So it's that day again but not a day like the others, it's the start of the end.


Starting today the countdown that I think will be 10 to 15 years tops to the day I finally decide to leave this plane for good, certain conditions being met.

As dad retires and the weight of our business falls on me once again I come clear how much of a mediocre man I am, a few months and already thinking that I may doom it: when you begin to put your own money into it it's a good sign that problems are eating you and you can't cope with them.

It was good while it lasted, many crisis were surfed and survived and being your own boss has its perks but also you have to forget what vacations look like, there's nothing else but work-house-work-house, work and house in the same place (and I lived at work for 9 years).

Rescuing dogs was as good as hard yet we had to put an end to it, they're heaven send yet they eat up the rest of the free time I get to get, now down to 8 furry children -three crossed the rainbow recently- they're one of the anchors that keep me tied to this plane.

The other, of course, is my dad who for his age still goes strong and now with a new knee is like he got a second wind and he's very excited about a trip we (he) are planning and here's the rub: I'm not.

I've pretty much everything he has/had planned for me to do (except career choice which of course he was right and I blew it up) and in spite of all if it wasn't for him I'll be a walmart cashier or a homeless person by now, he plans and I follow because I just don't have anything to put up against life.

So anyone normal would excited about this very 'once in a lifetime' trip but I'm not, there's too much on my plate now, I know i can't leave work alone and I'm 99.99% sure that I won't enjoy it because that's how I am, unable to enjoy things anymore; I'm trying (forcing) myself to appear 'excited' but I'm leaving the details to him (he's prowess to search and get everything done via internet is sure to fail), he's the one with free time now, not me.

So I'm dragging my feet in hopes that the trip doesn't happen.


Writing and drawing have lost their shine as most stuff have, whatever joy of life I had is gone and now nights are spent only looking for stuff to keep me distracted, mostly on Twitter and lots of streaming. And that gets boring too so I sleep a lot to keeps bad thoughts away.

Do I need therapy? Yeah but I don't trust people and therapists are people so I don't trust therapists either, besides trying to find one feels like impossible in the case I find one if he/she wants me to make some kind of therapy like going out or something out of my habits I would say no and get out, just tell me what a lousy human I am and get me some meds, thank you. But I won't take anything, my brain as faulty as it is is mine and not even alcohol is allowed to mess with it.

And that's why I live alone, I barely can stand people now after so many years of being alone, not only these 15 years living on my own but since I was 12 I found out what being alone was, not only at home but even when surrounded by classmates that either ignored or bullied me, no matter what I did I've spend most of my life alone and friendless, up until I found The Web and met you guys yet still and you know it, this is a lonely kind of friendship that I'm barely able to maintain.

As for ladies, well, I found out soon in life that my sole presence bothered them and many expressed that very solidly so I made the vow to never bother a lady with my presence ever again, anyway as much as I like women I can't fell in love with anyone so it's for the better, they don't like me and I leave them alone, it's a good deal. I'm too old for one now anyway and if when I was younger I was rejectable now as an old man it's safe to say that I'm out of the plate for good (though I have always been).


And so that's the plan, one day dad will pass on and my pets will follow him and then I'll reach 100% loneliness and I'll leave everything behind to find the perfect solitude, a place away from everything where to rest my bones and never be found or remembered again, that'll be the best thing I'll ever do in this life so void of sense and meaning.