.•♫•♬• Ⓣⓗⓔ Ⓑⓛⓤⓔ Ⓛⓐⓩⓤ •♬•♫•.

TL;DR is I've been struggling. More than I have in a long time, possibly ever.
Heartbreak in January, death of a love in May, then lost my job in September. Now panic episodes.

The initial month or so after the job loss was hard then just focusing on being positive and working on my skills. But around the end of November I felt a decline.. A hard decline.

..I found myself making attempts as my anxiety started to drown me. I recovered from a heavy episode but after that, I kept having heavy anxiety all the time and occasionally severe panic attacks. I thought I was managing at the least, but without healthcare (and my state's services dragging their feet and now not explaining to me what deadend I'm in with a "you're applied but need to proof yourself even though you already did"), my struggle to honestly want to find help and medication has stalled. Eventually last week, the day after an interview that went very well, I had a spiraling panic attack that woke me back up in the early morning and eventually forced me to have Dervak drive me to the ER between nausea, bathroom issues (to put it nicely) and spirally dread and what felt like heart palpitations that were going to stop my heart. It felt like ages going through everything, eventually getting some IV solutions for the nausea and panic and knocked me out for a short while.

I woke up okay but the anxiety was still there so they gave me a few days worth of ativan to take as I needed to try and mitigate the worst of it but it still takes a lot of effort and focus to stay on the wire; meaning I can't really do anything with myself. I can't enjoy even watching youtube to distract myself without the back of my mind telling me something is wrong with my heart despite the ER having taking a quick xray or something and some nerve test thing and saying everything is fine.

It's just in my mind.
It's just in my head.
BUT IT WON'T LISTEN.

I am wondering if...having gone and watched my ness pass away in front of me has caused some form of stress-related PTSD. I am overtly aware of morality and combined with the fact that..she was basically the first person I had to watch full on die in front of me..maybe it's cracked a lot of my shell I've held onto. I couldn't experience anything during that time. I was there for her and her mom and her other significant other. Yes I cried so much in the edges during that time but I buried everything else to stay strong..but I'm afraid the pressure has cracked my scales.

I need healthcare, I need therapy and medication. I can't seem to hold myself up anymore and Dervak is doing a lot to keep me at ease until then..
I had, on better news, my first day of work today and made it through that with little anxiety flare ups. Keeping busy learning and poking around. But returning home I feel a weight return and it's light, for now. But I worry it will get worse every night as it always seems to. I end up crying every few nights until I tire myself to sleep.

I no longer see friends, talk to friends. Get to go to cons. I just work, if I can, and curl up at home and watch things. I've barely been playing my PC games anymore, it just feels like work and makes me anxious to sit in that chair and feel like I'm wasting my time even though I just go lay on the couch and turn off my mind to watch stupid things. I sink into my past comforts and memories and falsify a potential future where I will have people to talk to, to hang with. Who care to know I am around and want to do something. And it weighs me further as a failure to see it nowhere near my grasp, just the same as reliving my conversations with Her bring me only a moment of bliss before reality caves in because she cannot respond anymore to my heart's attempt to bash itself into the screen where I see her.

I am trying to live for you, as you asked, lil Red. My Pet. But gods its so hard this year. I can't phantom what will even be left for the next one.

I cry for a while, like now, and then I shake myself off and attempt to fly again and ignore the schrodinger's box that is my heart.
I am terrified to find out what's left for fear I find no more reasons and that's why it does nothing but panic now.


Sorry for the dump but..this is my life. I am here and I am trying. I wish to hear from people more, I want to build bonds and find reasons in each other. It's what is most beautiful in this life, as much as how dark and terrible its opposite is. And I strive to fight against it. I strive to "rage, rage against the dying of the light."

I am meant to glow.
So gods help me do so.