I know full well that this is going to sound incredibly stupid as soon as anyone reads it. The logical part of my brain understands that I am silly and stupid and that I overreacted. However, I am in an emotionally compromised place right now and I need to just write it out, so bear with me here.

Tonight I spent a good 5 hours with my group of friends playing Dark Heresy- a Warhammer 40k tabletop role playing game. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, in a nutshell, it's the grim dark future where everyone worships the god emperor of man and members of the inquisition (the players) go around looking for heretics to kill. Simple enough.

I just recently joined this rpg, making a quite wonderful little cleric who has low weapon skills, but who has super high fellowship and enough health to tank just about anything. I'm playing her like Scar from Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, all moody and super loyal to my people and my emperor. We've only had about 5 sessions so far, and only 2 major arcs within the overreaching story, all of which I managed to be little to no help. I'm a nervous person and this is my first rpg ever, so I just didn't really know what to do. This night was the first night that I went in feeling more confident. I had a good handle on what was going on and even had a sneaky and clever plan that would play to my character's strengths as well as set me apart from my squad mates. It had been brought up that our supervisor was suspected of heresy- which recent events in our lives had confirmed that she was in fact in cohorts with heretics. So, I being the good little cleric would stray from the pack and strike up a secret deal with the rival inquisitor squad that had been giving us hell from day 1. It was a beautiful plan.

Then I managed to fuck it all up.

Basically, the GM gave me the opportunity of a life time. One of the rival inquisitors was sitting right in front of me, charming me and giving me wine. I could have easily pumped him for information, told him I wanted to join his cause, even double cross if I wanted to. But I let it all go. Instead of being awesome and collected and cool, I stuttered through my words and made him admit to blowing up my home planet, which of course pissed my character off. This clear and present anger made it obvious that any attempt I made at switching sides would be a lie, as my desire to kill him would be too great. So I fumbled through my anger until he up and left, leaving me not only fuming that I couldn't just kill him then (it would have jeopardized the mission) but also mentally kicking myself for not taking my chance. I had fucked myself up.

To add to this, a new girl just joined the group. She's super perky and annoying and the type of person that you just can't stand losing to. Tonight was her first time roleplaying ever, and she had less knowledge about the universe than I did when I cam in, but she still took to it like a fish to water. Everything she did was golden and frankly it pissed me the fuck off. I had a plan and through it all away. She doesn't even know why we're doing what we're doing, but she still manages to kill 1500 people in a blaze of glory. Furthermore, one shitty roll by me ended up landing one of my teammates in jail. Hooray!

So, having three hours of play left to ruminate over my failings (as well as having to bottle up those bad feelings so as not to disturb the game), as soon as I went back to my dorm room and was alone, I broke down crying. Seriously, I was sobbing. My mate comes in, as he is want to do, sees me breaking down and proceeds to try to make it better which he fails miserably at. He just keeps saying that he's proud of me which means nothing to me when I'm in a state where I can't be proud of myself. Eventually he gets frustrated and kind of yells at me, saying he can't understand why I'm so upset over something so small. It's a valid point, but it really just made things worse. So I told him to leave and cried even more.

The tears have stopped now, but I'm still out of if. I feel so bad, like I'm a failure. I have a lot of self-esteem issues as well as an unhealthy competitiveness learned from years of being mocked by my older brother. I just can't stand losing or failing. I get these grand ideas in my head of how awesome I'll be, I make an expectation for myself, and then when I can't do it, I just break down. It's awful, and awfully stupid. I know that Dark Heresy is just a silly game and that no one is really mad at me for getting my squad mate thrown in jail and that in reality I did ok at roleplaying (Scar would have been pretty broody had he met the killer of his people and couldn't kill him back) but it wasn't what I wanted or fantasized about. I wasn't in control and I couldn't stand out. I'm still just a derpy cleric and it still feels like everyone is a thousand steps ahead of me and one hundred times better at this.

~sigh~ Sad Kitty.