Ugh...I hate to be bringing the drama, but I feel a need to blurb this somewhere. Feel free to ignore, it's just be being all whiny and kind of childish. This has been a day full of good and bad, and this just happened to kind of top it all off.


I had a girlfriend for a full two years. We were inseparable for the first, without a single argument or anything. We supported each other, could finish each others' sentences, etc. Second year kind of went downhill. I have to say that she isn't the type for commitment, at least not the kind that I was looking for, and at too young an age I'll admit. By and by, she broke up with me because she lost interest somewhere along the way and was interested in a guy that I kinda had a crush on. She wouldn't admit it to me, which made the sting a lot worse.

She told me that I was far too clingy, and a bit of a hypocrite. I didn't mind the latter bit, I could believe it. The former though, really got to me. I hadn't seen her in weeks, except for maybe at work or at play practices. I kinda wanted to take her out somewhere so we could just hang out like we used to. It miffed me a little when she told me that she couldn't make time for me everyday, yet everyday she found time to spend with this other guy. I was never too worried about it as long as she didn't lie to me...'cuz deep down, I knew that I would never be that important to her. I couldn't be, in a million years.

It honestly made me feel like shit for a few months after, because I honestly believed her. I believed that I was the worst thing on the face of the planet, that I'd betrayed her in some way, or that it was all my fault. Admittedly, I can't trust anyone anymore. No offense meant to anyone...but the only things I can really trust are my cat and God.


Now, we're talking a bit again, just on rare occasions, and by god it hurts me anytime that I'm around her just because I still love her. I don't think that it's lust, because I've never felt any sexual urges towards her, or towards anyone for that matter. Maybe it's fear, because for two years I felt like I'd die without her, and for anyone to have that much control over your life is terrifying, whether you gave it to them, imagined it, or what. I feel that it's love because I'd honestly rather die than see anything bad happen to her. When she's sad, I just want to hold her and tell her that it'll be alright, that I'll always be there for her. When she's happy, I'm happy for her, even though I feel sad that I can't be the one to make her happy anymore.

I know now that it wasn't entirely my fault, but a lot of it was. I was pretty damn clingy, far too intent on making her happy all of the time, babying her, or being a slave to her wishes. So, yeah a lot of it was my fault. Now I at least can stand on my own two feet, and I love her even more for giving that to me. I still don't know a lot, my self esteem is in hell, and I don't think I'll ever be able to open myself up to anyone like that again, but you know what? Things can't get any worse and I can't lose unless I give up.

Then she started having problems with him. The way she described it sounded just like how she'd treated me, and how she said I'd treated her, only far worse.

Part of me wanted to just smirk at her and say "How does it feel now, honey?"

Part of me thought that now, maybe she'd see how lucky she was when she was with me.

The rest of me wanted to throw that part of me into a dark dungeon and torture it for all eternity for feeling like that. How could I be that damn selfish? It made me realize how terrible of a person I really was, especially when she still asked me for advice. She apologized, saying 'this must be how you felt'. I wanted to cry then, because I felt like I'd wished it on her. That was the last thing that I ever wanted her to feel, was that kind of heartbreak, because I could tell that she loved him. It was in every look I'd seen.

When I thought they'd worked out their problems, she announced that they might be getting engaged. I felt my heart torn in two then, and at the same time felt like I couldn't be happier. She was honestly that happy with him, and I'd never have another chance.

Now, they're having more problems. Everything that I hear about him sounds like how she made me out to be, and I feel horrible for her. I want to be her knight in shining armor, to pull her out of that situation and protect her from him...but everything in me says to let her stand on her own two feet. She needs to decide this for herself...I can't make that decision for her. I can give her my honest opinion, and that's it...I want to give her so much more, but I can't. I'll still do anything for her, tell her anything if she asks...God, I'm still on a leash around her.

I still love her with all my heart and soul. Call it obsession, call it passion, call it whatever you like...but I still feel that pull in my gut and shake when I talk to her...I still think about her, more often than I'd like...I still have dreams about her...And as much as I'd like to treasure my memories of being with her, I hate myself more and more after every dream...every conversation...and every thought of her, because I can't let go and help her to be happy.


Goddamnit I hate it when I make promises...