This will be long, and I am sorry about it. But I have a lot that I want to put out there to anyone here willing to read about it. (Long story short I went and made my self a sad boy and found my old FA account to get even sander boy hours so now I am venting about the past.)

I have been fairly active on the internet since the early 2000's. I cant say for sure when I started making internet profile and friends. But I can say that I've had some profiles that are almost old enough to drink. Back in the early days of community sites I never really identified with furies. I had friends who did, but I wasn't out here making fursonas or getting a fursuit or going to furcons. But I wasn't also spreading any sort of hate towards the furry community. I was just aware of the community from the out side.

Something like 10 years ago I did a shitty little drawing and posted it to my Deviant art page. On that drawing I got one comment that stuck with me. It was from   voltage-x suggesting I should do comics. This had always been an idea of mine to do comics. But I not only am bad a drawing, but bad a writing. Any who, I ended up making a comic about the conversion we had with our characters. This sparked a friendship that then became a long distance relationship. This lasted a while till it imploded. Then about a year and a half later the two of us reconnected and rebuilt a friendship. And then rebuilt that relationship. Volty even moved to Michigan where I lived at the time.

It was around this time that I started to get a little more involved with the furry community as Volty was getting deep into it. We even went to our first fur con, Furry Connection North in 2013. (RIP that con) We both had a great time, meet some cool people, bought a little merch. And I got introduced to my all time favorite game, Werewolf. Soon after FCN we decided to move back to Vegas where Volty was from. Once we got to Vegas we started going to the Vegas furry meet ups. There we made some friends and I got into LARPing. Volty would eventually make me a nice fox tail, a fursona, and a badge. All of which i still have.

It was then that we decided to go to BLFC in Reno around 2015. We had it set that her and I would share a room with one of her friends, and another friend would ride with us. It was 3 days before we where to set out Volty ended up breaking up with me to be with our "friend" who was going with us. I say "friend" as I was never too fond of...lets call him Rad. Any who, Volty dumps me to hook up with Rad the same day. Volty insists that nothing ever happened prior to this between them, but as you'll find out if you keep reading, my trust in what Votly says about this remains low. Anywho, Volty then guilted me into driving both her, Rad, and one other friend to Reno.

Now prior to leaving, and the break up, I was told that Rad would be bringing a cot for himself to sleep on, since it was 5 of us in a 2 bed hotel room. It wasn't until after over 8 hours of driving that I find out that he didn't bring one, since him and Volty would be sharing the bed. This meant that I had to sleep on the floor. And the hotel that BLFC was held at was out of blankets and pillows the first thing we got there. So when I asked Volty and Rad if they could spare a pillow and blanket for me I was met with "hummms" and "but" and "wellllll" from them. I finally after 20 min of talking able to get a blanket and pillow from them. And even though I footed most of the cost of the trip, I was given just 7 feet by 2 feet of space in on the floor between a bed and a wall for all my stuff and to sleep. I was miserable trying to sleep on the hard floor each night. Being a skinny person, I had pressure points all over from the hard floor, to the point of bruising. Over all it was a good con, I just had a shit time thanks to my person issues.

When we got back from BLFC Rad started to treat me like shit. All while I was trying to move out he'd push me to try and fight him. And many of Volty's friends backed him up and started to alienate me. My fairly small friend circle got even smaller very fast. I do want to clarify, I wasn't a bad boyfriend, like I didn't do any thing bad to Volty. She left me because she found someone else, and because my struggles with communication made her fell like I didn't love her anymore. (Thanks undiagnosed at the time autism.) But none the less Volty's friends gave me shit. And as such my brief foray into the fury community was largely ended. I just wanted nothing to do with that whole circle of people.

Flash forward a few years and I am in a healthy new relationship. My new partner, Saben, had showed some interest in the fury community, so we had talked about doing BLCF as a way to make new good memories for myself. But time and cost have so far prevented that from happening. Meanwhile after several years of not talking, Volty reaches out to me one day in hopes of rebuilding our friendship, and getting some relationship advice. See, since then, I've learned about and stepped into the world of polyamory. And Volty wanted some advice regarding that as well as to see the personal growth I had made. So we had tentatively started to rebuild that friendship. Soon after I hear that Volty had left Rad for this new guy.

Then in March of 2020 not bad happened.....JK COVID, divorce, me emergency moving, and murder! So my roommates at the time ended up going though a divorce and basically dumping an apartment that we could barely afford on me. So I had to scramble to to find a new place to live. I get a text from Volty asking if I can give her and her new boyfriend a ride to California. I told her no because i was very buys with packing and moving the last of my stuff to Saben's house. Volty then asked if they could come over and help pack, to which I also said no because I was in a good grove and having any help would have actually slowed me down. This is the last time I talked to Volty.

A few months go by and I think nothing of it. Votly was flaky and would often not say anything for weeks or months to me and thats just how it was. Then I get a text from my mom in all caps "DO YOU KNOW WHAT VOLTY DID?!" "No, what did they do?" My mom then sends me a new article showing Volty and their boyfriends mug shot. Turns out they killed someone to steal their car to get to California. I was floored. I think put things together, talked to people, and got a better timeline of events. From what I gather, between the last message Volty sent me and when her and her BF killed someone was just 4-5 hours apart. This scares me because it could have been me. Or, had I agreed to drive them any where, someone wouldn't be dead. Or I would have somehow been involved with the murder. Its been 2 years since it happened and this shit still fucks with me. And yea, I am in therapy for it. It's just...a lot. Someone I once loved, who I was rebuilding a friendship with, just goes out and ends another persons life.


-sigh-


So on some brighter notes, and why I dug out this old ass account, Saben and I went to Las Vegas Fur Con and had a blast. It was nice getting what felt like a fresh restart into the fury community. And now I am at a point money wise where I could toss money at people to make things. Maybe I'll dust off ye olde graphics tablet and doodle something. I have some big trips, not fury related, coming up. But after them I could see maybe, and this is a big maybe, commissioning some art or maybe a fur-suit head or two. Something that if I did wouldn't be till like fall/winter.

If this feels like I rambled its cause it took me like 4 hours between thinking, eating, and just generally fucking off to take a break to get though it all. Sorry if there is anything that doesn't make sense.