Havent been on here in awhile... just felt like updating. Im a mess. Im very sick more than a cold or flu.... im tired... my energy is gone .. my love for life has gone away... my want and desires have dwindled into nothing..... ive known this feeling all too well... havent felt this way in a long time.. because for awhile i had someone... someone i truely... deeply loved.... but i found out... i never meant a thing to that person. I sacrificed my family..my friends.. my life... my money .. most importantly, my time... time i can never hsve back.. time that i could have moved on.. time i could have spent elsewhere... all because of that person.... why does this hurt stay with me..? What did I do wrong? People think im some charity case to be pittied... someone you need to walk on eggshells around.. someone people cant talk to... i never used to be that person.. i thought i was kind and caring.. i went out of my way for so many people and i never asked for anything in return... i spend my days taking care of the mentally disabled and thats where im at in my life, where work is the forfront....helping oeople is the only thing that give me true happiness. I just wish I had someone to love me again... the feeling of being held in someones arms... being kissed sweetly on the forehead... holding my hand when i least expect it..... but i dont... and thats ok.. ill take this time to discover my new life. But there are somethings that i can never forget.. all the songs we heard...the new movies we watched... the laughs we had and the tears we cried together.. all of those things are a permanent reminder that you exsisted.. and because of that i willalways look at those things and hear them, and remember why i love them now.... They are a part of me now. I was always happy yet you never saw... i never meant to come across the way you perceived me... it was never meant to end up the way it did... I dont know how I didnt see it.. hiw did we let it come to this? Now someone else is in your arms...and its not me, and thats something that kills me more than anything... how can I sit back and watch someone else love you the same ways I did... touching you in the places I did... holding on to you when you felt like breaking... sticking by your side through everything....i wish i could change the events that made it lead to this... if icould take it all back and start over again i would... id give anything just to have you back as my friend. I dont like living in a world where you dont exsist. Youre hooks are in me so deep. No matter how hard i try to forget... no matter how many nights i sit in my bed alon and thinking its a bad dream that I never wake up from.. and no matter how many times i try to tell myself and lie to others and say that im ok.... this hole youve left in my heart will never be filled... theres no one like you in this world... ihope that girl knows just how much shes going to love you.... when she sees that smile on your face ... she will never let you go. As for me, ill stay here and wait for something to happen for me... no matter how long or how far away.. ill be ok one day.. i know im young and have my life ahead of me.. but please understand that this was the only life i ever knew for several years.... a beaten and battered girl who was attacked and hurt by so many... the beautiful soul that was blackened by fear... but all of that went away when i found you.... i found love and light... and now that im alone...that little light has gone out. Now im back to where I started. But you know wat,, for that little infiniti had with you, ill never forget any of it, ill always remember you. One day everything will change. I can and will be hapoy again one day. Someones out there waiting for me..... as much as i want it to be you, i know youll never come back. And thats....ok.

Signed ~ the one who had it all, the one who messed it up, and the one who lost it.