Recently, I’ve just been feeling so depressed and guilty, knowing that there’s a good chance a victim venting about their bad memories somewhere else on the internet, like a time someone lashed out at them, or at their graduation from primary school, the older brother of one of the graduates screamed at the top of lungs that he wanted a lawsuit over NOT GETTING A COOKIE.

The thing is, that person they’re talking about is me, and they’ll never know that I feel deep regret and remorse for those I’ve hurt.

I keep trying to improve myself, like trying to get rid of my anger issues, but I always fail. Every now and then, I get angry over small things, I go onto my discord server, and write in all caps while spamming “@everyone” that I want horrible things to happen to them, or that I want to do horrible things to them. Which makes me think I have undiagnosed IED. About 20 minutes after crashing out, I realise my mistake and delete the messages. But I’m destroying my reputation doing this. I’ve been banned from several discord servers for screaming that I wanted to commit horrible acts of violence against the admins.

Whenever I see somebody venting on social media about the bad things that happened in their past, while I obviously feel deep sympathy for them, I sometimes wonder about the perpetrator. I keep a small shred of hope that they feel deep regret and remorse for what they did, just like me. If there was just one perpetrator who opened what they did and expressed their regret, it’d make me feel so much better knowing I’m not alone.