I am sorry for my first journal being such a downer, I just got back, I was planning to try to start over, I am not leaving but I am not the same person I once was.

Last year.. Was terrible, the amount of fear and pain I felt made me unable to sleep and when I did I would kick and twitch like crazy, it was pretty pathetic, and I acknowledge that, I just could never forgive myself for my failures as well as the consequences for my actions that others had to endure with me. 2021 ended with another heavy loss I thought was temporary, but it appears I was wrong, with that loss I held onto anything I could that was left behind.

This year.. I lost one of those things I held onto. It was a very small, very tiny trinket, if I told you what it was, you would laugh, but it was the most precious thing in the world to me, and desperation and need to keep it with me on my person instead of retired to a box somewhere in my room, endangered it and resulted in its loss a little while ago..

I have spent long mornings, and cold nights, digging and searching my town, up and down, behind every corner, around every tree, under every bush, I have raked countless leaf piles. I cannot find it.. I still search to this day, and I suspect I will for a long time to come.

The loss of this sacred, sentimental item has opened up my eyes in a way I have never experienced before. Time is so fleeting, the world is constantly decaying and changing around us, if you do not seize the moment, you have no guarantee for tomorrow.

I will be haunted by my negligence for failing to protect this item, or find it, for the rest of my life. All of these silly little things we do are just distractions. Food, games, YouTube, porn, none of it matters, its just, escapism, a temporary reprieve to forget our shortcomings and regrets.. It just does not appeal to me the same anymore.

They say time heals all wounds, I know others have suffered greater losses, much greater, but I doubt many hold themselves accountable as much as me. Time and time again I have failed, I have failed to protect everything that I love, including my past watchers. In the past I wanted to make a stand, to be some sort of champion for the underdogs that get judged within a community that embraces so much other nonsense day by day.. I wanted to force things to be fair, I wanted to have an eye for an eye. I was foolish, and passionate, and arguably immature. I was a hypocrite and an asshole, I judged a perfect stranger as a drama queen and chastised them and I am no better, I am the most dramatic person of all.

I am dropping the sword now. My internal judge has slammed his gavel down and found my guilty. I do not know what I will do moving forward, but I am not the same person I once was. Whatever I do, it will be slow, because I am in too much pain to be inspired to do much of anything right now. Even though I never really got to know the guy personally... I wonder if Felix felt this way, near the end.

Sorry I wrote so much; I Did not expect it. Hang in there, the world is a cruel place with gnashing teeth that will chew up and devour everything. Hold tight to what you love, never let it go, never, take a chance.. Protect them, hide them, keep your head down, the endless circle of pain spins onward just like time, nothing stops it, and I for one, am tired of contributing to it.