Hey guys.

So- going to start this off with a disclaimer. This is a semi-vent/rant journal and may or may not relate to the LAS series. Plus it has plenty of diva "starving artist" gibberish involved so be forewarned.

Well- I'm thinking of officially joining the furry fandom.
For the last 10 years I've stood behind the "I'm a zoophile, not a furry- I just enjoy the porn" excuse, and as time went on the fandom never interested me outside of that. A lurker, more or less. And times have changed since then- sure, the furries are still a running punchline both online and off, but the outside world has becomes more accommodating. You actually see fursuits and ears nowadays, and while they still turn heads they don't receive the same level of contempt they had a decade ago. And that contempt made me hesitant to join the fandom. It seemed harmless enough, and quite honestly the people I spoke to online back then (minus those who live in my town, let's be honest, Myspace was becoming a thing) are either zoophiles or furries. Or both, even. And today is no different.

I believed in the contempt. I mean, a grown man wearing an animal suit? Saying he's a fox? What kind of bullshit-itry is that? The animated porn kept my interest but seeing it in real life bothered me. How could this be a thing? It was like a regression, or an obsession over animated material. And I thought it was pathetic. You'd rather identify as a dragon with six-pack abs than visit the gym once in a while? You'd rather be the multi-colored wolf with a 10in penis, than accept that you're a human that's not 300lbs of muscle and eight feet tall? Yeah, I'll admit it- I detested furries in the beginning. And coming from somebody who was both active in 4chan as well as the people they often trolled, I was conflicted.
But let's be honest- if I truly detested the furry fandom, why am I still here after 10 years? Why do I still save pictures and still read journal updates from my favorite artists? It was fapping material then- and ok, it still is- but I've seen so much more within the community the more it emerged. And you'll still find your drama and the usual griping- 'no I don't RP' 'don't send me pointless notes' 'YCH and auction pieces are commercializing the fandom' 'only art-whores and people with money to commission get acknowledged' 'artists are jacking up their prices and playing favorites' 'this fox said something nasty to that badger'- OK, I can go on and on. We all have reservations against different parts of the fandom. Personally I'll never understand the obsession with paws, rimming, diapers, vore, and especially the hardcore furries who refer to themselves in the third person and identify as whatever species their sona is. Well, all of them do at some point, but I'm talking about the ones who SERIOUSLY get into it. There's refering to your sona as if it were another being, and then there is calling yourself that other being. But hey, to each their own.
I've seen much out of this fandom. Folks have come and gone. People have become celebrities within it. Some people work to afford commisions, and others make money for doing commissions. Artists can earn a living now, and that's not something you've ever seen before. Friendships have been made- people have found love. There's a support structure within the fandom as well as a hierarchy. All because we share at least SOMETHING in common. While I don't want to generalize, many of the furries I've spoken with have faced some major obstacle in their lives. Maybe they're shy. Or they're not 'the cool kid'. Or they have trouble making friends. Or they question their identity. Some may have functional and learning disabilities. And I've had some of my own. I was the fat kid in grade school, and the jock in high school. I've battled depression since I was in 4th grade. I tried to kill myself twice, once in middle school and once in high school. I had a mental breakdown my junior year of high school, when I was dropping acid and rotting my brain away with MDMA and opium. There was a period when I wasn't able to distinguish fact from fantasy- when I first started drinking, I got my alcohol from an older coworker. I'd become convinced he was me, ACTUALLY me, but from the future. At meals I carried my drink with me if I left the table because I KNEW somebody would spit in it. And during my senior year in high school, after a failed suicide attempt, I began making arrangements to shoot up the school and kill myself in the process. It was very real- I stumbled across old plans, plus a comic I drew during classes that depicted it. Thankfully it never occurred, but it still troubles me today. And I still struggle with mental problems, mainly depression, to this day. And it's tough when there's so few to reach out to. Family loves you so much that they'll pay to have you commited. Friends care so much that they'll buy you drinks at the bar so you'll forget about it. It's not a solution, nor do I need one.
Part of what's compelled me to join is the sense of community. We've all battled our demons in some form or another. And yeah, there are plenty of furries who live happy lives and are successful. But they're just as likely to reach out when they need to, and help out when they need to. And hell- your best friend halfway across the world has a fursona and you have a fursona and just last week you commissioned an artist to draw those two licking each other's paws while they had some sloppy buttsex. Now there's a friend you can be open to.

And before this journal gets any more pathetic- I'm not saying I feel lost or I need to belong. I'm quite active in the local theater group. In fact, there's a promising future involved. Rehearsals and performances are typically the happiest times of the week for me. Because I'm allowed to be myself while not actually being myself. And that's why I'm joining the fandom. How great is it that you can be as open and non-discreet with others when you're often forced to be the rest of the time?

ALRIGHT-
Well, as it might be a shocker, my fursona will not be a dolphin. I know, right? They're such magnificent animals and they have such little luck taking off in the fandom. There are some fursonas that are cetaceans (dolphins, orcas, porpoises) but they're relatively small compared to the scalies and foxes and wolves. And honestly, it just doesn't seem to fit me. They're great animals, why give them legs and make them wear clothes and walk upright? Again- that's just my personal opinion. I'm thinking a feral gryphon or some type of avian most likely. Then I'll have to get an F-list generated, perhaps make a few tweaks to the character. If I'm lucky, I'll stumble across a nice adoptable that hasn't already been proxy-bidded for like 200 bucks. And as for a name- good God, I have no clue how that works. My own screen-name on this account comes from the term "delphinic zoophile" (ie., someone who wants to bone a dolphin). I have NO clue.
Also, I'm still on the fence about conventions and fursuits. Fursuits, while from a fetish standpoint are sexy, seem odd to me to be in a casual setting. As for conventions, there is the one in Chicago I could feasibly make it to (hopefully without the chlorine pooling up again...erm, too soon?). But I wouldn't want to go alone, or even travel to one alone. Hell, I have a hard enough time going to the store alone. I'm not about to fly halfway across the country (or the world) in hopes that someone I've skyped with shows up on time. Plus, work being the way it is, weekends are tough to get off. But when I do create a sona, I do intend to commission certain artists. And I might create stories involving the sona, and give it a little backstory. BUT...I will remain human. The sona and I will have no connection. You might catch me refering to him as a being when describing a picture, but that's about it. And good luck getting me to say 'murrtastic' or 'pawing off'. Let's be honest- some things just never catch on.

Well, now that that's all out of the way, here's to the next ten years, I suppose. Unless of course I have a change of heart. Eh, we'll see.