I guess its because that I know... that people who know me, will never see this shit.

But the more I do this. The more I talk about my own issues.

Maybe someone might put 2 and 2 together and link things.

But I am not scared of that... at the moment.


A few hours ago I found something. Something old that hit my ego and I had to stop my thoughts for a moment.

So there is this thing, that has been going around. That has everyone's names on it. People who do the same thing I do. Obviously, the person who made it, is fans of all these people.

I have not seen it until now. And I had a look at it. And my name wasn't on it. There was something else like it I saw a year ago and I came to the conclusion that the person doesn't like me.

So is this someone else who doesn't like me?

What did I do for them to hate me?


I am so confused. They have everyone else's name on the thing. Do they not see me as all those other people. If so... maybe many others are thinking this way.

And it hits my ego so bad. It makes me feel like I am so far out of it that no one wants to be associated with me in those fields. No wonder why no one has come to me and asked me shit. Or am I just so unapproachable?


I don't know how other people see me.
And there is a part of me that just doesn't give a shit. That person seems to be more in control the more I forget things.
I really want to forget things.
Should I start drinking alcohol? Take drugs or something?

Whenever someone asks me what I drink. I tell them nothing.
EVERYONE seems to respond with a "oh". Like they think im a pussy. Weak. A werido.

IDK. Pepsi Max tastes better than that shit.

And I get a weird high. That makes me eager to do shit.

But these fucking thoughts are so loud now.


The only way to escape all this bullshit my mind tells me is to become brain dead. But I dont have the income to do so...


Do I deserve the name I gave myself 5 years ago?

I don't think so anymore.


If multiple people dont want to work with me. Be near me. Or even include me in things. Just for the way I am.
Then I don't deserve to be a part of this place.

I really want to go and leave all these groups I rejoined again.

But I am typing here to distract myself.

FUCK.

WHY DOES NO ONE ELSE CARE.

But then again. I don't tell anyone else. Besides whoever has read this bullshit.

Its better that way...

Fuck everyone else. No one needs to know how I feel.