He was an enigma, bright, shining, fleeting. He came to me at my weakest point and left me even weaker, barely a shadow of my former self and yet I still love him with a ferocity that no one but he will ever be able to understand and the worst part is he would not care if I lay dead before him at this point. </////3

But that does not keep me from my feelings, raw and painful as they are. The true depth of it all is not something I ever wish to full show again, but it's the ocean of my heart, and regrettably will still be quite some time yet, yet that is just way and nature of love. You can't undo what has been done and you can't take back what has been said but you can still feel and so I do that with my entire heart and soul.

I will never stop hating myself, causing what I did like that really was stupid even for someone like to know better and I did but in the heat of all those single moments, stacked upon each other, I just could not hold back and so here I am now, broken, tattered, tormented for it. No one to blame really since blame was equal but still not really comforted by that small piece of knowledge either.

He was everything to me!!!!! NO ONE is ever going to see why, understand it from my skewed perception and that carries its own weight of burden especially when my heart still stays loyal to him. All anyone else sees is a crazed, tormented girl, fucked up for still having loyalties lay with an abuser but to me that is NOT what he is!!

Yes I do acknowledge without hesitation he beat the living hell out of me emotionally and he was not a safe person, but the heart sees the essence of someone, not who they were made to be due to unexpected circumstance. He hurt me in too many times to count, in inexcusable and unforgivable ways, but still my heart can only lead me back to his core, his essence, his truest, deepest heart, his "secret heart" as it were and that is why I can still treasure him.