First thing's first, I'm typing this to get these thoughts out of my head and give myself some clarity as I've been lacking it as of late. This being said everything I type from here on is my opinions and state of mind as of these past few months. Secondly, take it as whining and grabbing for attention if you will, again I reiterate, this is for me and I have nowhere better to put it all at this point in time. Lastly, I do seek advice to an extent and as such, I accept any given for me to consider.

These past few months have been interesting to say the least. Doing what I feel is right has gotten me nowhere but into quite the mess as of late and life hasn't offered me much reprieve from it, nor does it seem to want to. Work's been fine, I got a new boss, one I can finally stomach. I've been diligent in my work and have been given praise time and time again. However, my company absorbed another and as such despite the praise I've taken quite the loss. In the coming months I'm to possibly lose my health insurance, almost half my hours, and lose a quarter of what I used to make... Seems rather pathetic to complain knowing how well off I've been, working as little as I do most days and still collecting a decent wage, higher than my state's minimum wage. The thing that bothers me is not the job search I've taken up now to regain some sense of stability, but rather the back handed nature of these past few events. High praise from higher ups, my work being displayed to the company nation wide as "ideal and exemplary" yet the sudden down shift in pay, benefits and hours all at once. I understand why it's been done but the things being said are what has frustrated me to no end, "We hope you don't leave, you can't leave." and the like. I'm still employed and income is still not an issue but it's been an aggravating past couple of weeks sorting through this and the changes that emerged with it all.

My second gripe is more so with myself, or rather my lack of foresight. I've acted out of line to an extent these past few months, namely towards those I once called my close friends. I've stood by my morals and did what I felt was right only to lose more people in the end, or at least their respect for me anyways. I still stand by the things I've said and done, the past is just that it can not be changed despite how much we'd wish it could. What I wish I could change has been my reaction to it all, however. I'm a fairly sociable person I feel or at least so I've been led to believe by my boon in self confidence and courage in the past year or so. Yet, I still fear disappointing people, making enemies and losing those I feel attached to. I'm also terrible at reading signals it seems, but I digress on such matters. I've been quite the recluse as of late, avoiding group chats I used to long for and have willing sought confrontation among those I have held near. In truth I have no one to blame but myself for keeping my social circles so small and for having been relatively close minded to others and their opinions.

Lastly, and rather briefly, I'd like to kick my own ass with my lack of self control and exercise. Now by no means have I let myself go to any extreme, but I am rather disappointed in myself and what I've become. Since basic training, my will to exercise has all but evaporated and it showed today when I went out and jogged. Needless to say I was not thrilled with myself and my performance... And there's not much else to say really on such things.

So now I come to what's the point of any of this, what am I to do, if you will. Well exercise and eat healthier is clearly the simplest solution for my latter problems, but the others will require a bit more. Work will sort itself out, applications have been filled and I've considered joining the ranks of those with 2 jobs if it's able to help. My concern however lies in the lack of health insurance that is to come undoubtedly. It's to effect a majority of my company so I know I'm not alone, yet at the end of the day I have to look out for myself and my well being. Then lies the hardest thing for me to correct and improve upon, myself and my attitude. Historically speaking I'm one to incite reactions, go digging and see how far I can get under one's skin, and that's far from healthy. So I guess I will start there and tame myself to not try to start fights but rather look for chances to communicate better and be more civil in expressing differences. As for my running away and hiding from people, I will have to take the time and force myself to meet new people whether I like it or not. As for my morals... Well that'll be something I will have to evaluate and consider which is more important, ideals or people in my life.

All this being said, it was said for a reason. To clear my mind of these nagging thoughts and to maybe help someone else who may be in a rough spot. Maybe even open myself up to be critiqued by those around me who bother to read any of these. This has been my interesting little slice of life and yeah...