I have read an old story that I have written it feels like ages ago, its called the color of yellow. Its on my old account you can read what I wrote if you click on the main page of where my old profile was. I read a bit of it last night, and though man I was really into something. I noticed I didnt finish it either. I might finish it, and I might not. I also see how naughty I was too, and think man everything I do now is really soft. I think its all right though some people change what they feel like doing.

I was right about my thoughts originally though, the person who claimed to be interested in me wasn't fully. My needs that have to be filled are to much for some to handle. I don't know where to really look to be honest. I get to nervous sometimes or I say to much either way it must be really bad. Its hard to believe that I am almost 27 years old, and have never had a really decent date. Why? Because I payed for all the dates, maybe its because I am more manly or something I am not sure. For once I would like to hear sure Ill treat you to dinner its on me! Maybe I am to picky, bossy, demanding, or something I am not sure about. Maybe I am really a B*tch, and I don't know it. I also know life isn't perfect, and I don't expect to find that perfect someone.

I am sure me going on, and on about this is really boring, and hammering the nail in my own coffin of desires. Is it really that bad to want companionship? To feel wanted, to feel alive? I would like to feel as if I am living, and stop the repetitive motions that I do everyday. I hardly get to much time to think of myself, and sometimes I would like if someone thought of me too. More then likely I would be thinking of them too. Maybe I just have to much in my bags for one single person to carry, or the prettiest person in the world. As time goes on I know sometimes don't last forever. I would like to not walk this road alone, but it seems that it is set that way.

One day I will wake up, and someone will be laying next to me. Those tend to be dreams though, and I wake up with just me in my bed. Some are happy being alone, but I am not. I have people in my home sure, but I still feel lonely. Its contradicting itself, but its true. I can hug those people as many times as I want, and feel slightly happy. In the end I wind up thinking about how I ended up here, and the feeling of being withdrawn from society. I don't expect a miracle to happen, I don't expect someone to fall right into my lap for me to have. Even though I wish deeply that it would be really easy to find that one person you have a connection to.

Maybe, just maybe I will, because even though a lot of people believe that in the someday you will speech. There's also the people who don't, and spend there time searching or giving up. There are a lot of fish in the sea I really dislike that saying even if its true. Even if you find a fish, sometimes it is really hard to let go, and I ask myself why couldn't it of worked out? Self blaming, hating, and finally letting go completely. These are just some of the tasks that are all about life. Every page, every step is your own. Live life they say to the fullest, and don't look back. The life I did live even if its short, is right at my heels, and it shows its face to the world. It can't be forgotten or stay hidden forever. A time, and a place when there is no more doubt will be the best of all. I try to find it, but so far not yet. My hopes, and my dreams slowly fade away with each year. I try to embrace what I have, and what is given to me. Its hard to enjoy it even if I try. The hallow innards parts of me are taking over. Sometimes its better not to think about it then to feel the things that have or will happen.