First the good news, the bloodwork came back and the infedction levels in my blood are droppuing it looks like I will not have to end up in the hospital for now.

The bad news, I think I am at the end of an abusive relationship.

Rob just spent 20 minutes screaming at me because I didn't get up ten minutes before I told him I would so I could drive him to the store. As a result, he is walking there and has taken my car keys from me for my own good so I am still here when he gets back.

It has been building for a while, but I am scared of him. Not physically because I think he knows that if he strikes me it is defiantly over. But for fucks sake we shouldn't be screaming at each other over me getting enough sleep to function.

I spent the greater portion of my day today running errands, from 9am this morning after 4 hours of sleep. You see, I work a third shift schedule, but he has to be awake for job interviews, trips out, the liquor store. I am spending anywhere from $25-$50 a week on booze for his tooth pain. I don't doubt he is in pain but I wonder.

And if he knew I was writing this it would result in another screaming match. That I am crazy and he is only trying to help, that should be happy that he is still here trying to keep me on an even keel.

I used to wonder how the women who let their men abuse them keep living in the same situation. Well now I know. You feel trapped, mentally wondering if maybe it is your fault, that you are that big of a fuck up, that no one else will want to be with you.

I turn 40 in a week and if it wasn't for him I would be completely alone. I kinda know what the problem is, we are cooped up in a 10 by 10 room all the time now. and every time I go out he wants to know where I am going, when I will be back. I don't know if it is genuine concern for me, or if it is controlling behavior. I suspect the latter. This morning I walked out of here after paying the weekly rent to get into my car and go somewhere and he comes flying out of the room wanting to go with me. Is it selfish of me to want to do something with the money I earned without having someone along?

When we did go out a couple of Baraboo police sat down for lunch at a table across from us. Rob then began panicking again and then left the restaurant forcing me to cut my meal short. Damn it, I know I shouldn't care but I just cant see someone in distress and not do something about it.

And he knows it. I don't know anymore if it is genuine fear of losing me, or fear of losing what little money and access he has to shelter and booze that keep him here.

I want to get the hell out of this place, but I cant get the money together because it is being spent so fast. Nearly half of what i take home is going to pay the weekly rent on this place and he is happy enough to sit here and play his games on the computer. I want even some place where there is a wall or two, perhaps even a kitchen, he says here is what we can afford and anything else is living beyond our means. I start the second job again next week half because I need the money and half because I don't want to be in this room anymore either with him OR without him.

I watched people who I thought were friends abandon me and the sinking ship and I never want to do that to someone else. And he knows this as well. My wallet and car keys went with him while he walked to the store, pissed off at me because he started poking me at 6.30 to go because he was hungry. I told him we would go at 7pm while I was in bed sleeping. At 6.50 he wakes me again and tells me he will walk if I am not going to get up to drive him. He his driven my cars without my permission in the past without a licence and it scares the hell out of me. The attitude of Nothing will happen worries me because he is right. Nothing WILL happen to him that he isnt prepared for, if he gets pulled over my car gets impounded and he gets hauled off leaving me with another mess to clean up.

Now he wants to introduce another person to the relationship/ Another girl. She would help us get a new place again and start a new leaf.

Is it too much to ask that if he loves me, and wants to be with me then why is he pushing for someone else to be here with us? Another person for me to take care of? Someone else who he can be with and cars for while I do the grunt work? He still isn't working and I am ready to take on even more responsibility.

He is out there somewhere with my wallet and keys. I am scared for what happens next. I cant even run because now I have no where else to go to.