Straight out of the brain with minimal filter

its been a hell of a year, emotionally its been better than 24 but i feel like my average mood is lower but its more consistent. at some point i have a piece of paper that i mark down when i have a "good day" and theres 28 on it, so a full month if that month is february. Fortunately my boyfriend isnt noticeable worse since the start of the year, though i think hes lost a step in his voice. But when i close my eyes and put my head next to his it feels just like our first night together, hes just one held blink away from being asleep and in that small bubble of time and space everything feels normal. Its difficult to imagine things improving in the coming years, in any aspect of our lives, i dont see things changing in any positive way knowing the problems and roadblocks we have. Still drawing and painting and learning and getting stronger and wiser but i cant help but wonder what happens when im 40 and everyone around me is old or gone and i have no practical functionality in the real world. But then i remember how things have been in the past 12 years and how i wouldnt have guessed back then that all of that would happen and theres no reason to think the same wouldnt happen in the NEXT 12. take it day by day. i get out of the house and go into london and travel around which is good for me even though id rather not, but im always trying even though sometimes it feels like im not. Its easy to see that im not getting marked results and thinking i havent tried, but that that follow.

creatively i havent been drawing all that much this year, mainly just enough to maintain myself, but its difficult because drawing gives my head time to wander and then i get anxious and then i want to distract myself by doing other stuff, unless im in a low mood then its easier to concentrate on drawing but then id rather perk myself up with something else anyway. Still i started learning how to do anime and clothing better than before, i want to develop that more and do better with it. I know for sure that my muscle work is much better, and i really appreciate the commissioner who payed for the boof and brave muscle transfer sequence. There will be more of that type of thing btw, but also i want to do more audience engagement type stuff with raffles and the like, as well as non-comm stuff since most people dont care about OCs as much as established IPs, its just hard to find the time when im concerned with money. Ive been gradually shaving off expenses, like how i got a Railcard thing which reduces train costs by 30%, and i bought a scooter which saves on paying for the bus on the way back to my house. It even saves on time, and adds at least SOME cardio

Ive definately lost some steam with my consistentcy this year. Motivation is hard to come by, i have a lot of negative but not much positive because i mean really whats it all for in the end? My life has always been a matter of avoidance, and the one time i figure out and decide to try to go TOWARDS something it blows up, its a real mental challenge ontop of being an autistic fuck. all my battles are internal and inherently im stacked against myself to the point it feels completely futile to try. I came across a DayZ streamer who was raising money for Alzheimers research and it reached like £100k in the end and that was incredibly reassuring to know that theres people who care and offer so much to helping find solutions to arguably the most proportionally underesearched medical problems, being brain and neurological diseases. Pretty much theres only minor treatments that give people a few extra months of time and its absurd. i know cancer is a big thing but theres so much attention on that and people get cured, even if it means months of radiation bombardment there exists a hope. Its just with neurological stuff its basically everyone holding out for a few extra months until a miracle gets discovered.. The line "theres literally nothing we can do" is just so crushing. Sure everyone dies in the end it comes one way or another, but how much life comes before that?

i know ive said all that before its just always on my mind how absurd the situation is. On the plus side brain problems are only becoming a greater thing because people live longer and arent killed by some other thing first... so thats... nice

But this year has been pretty empty. Lot of the same thing every day, nothing really changing except small improvements here and there, i just wish it wasnt outweighed by the loss of other things at the same time

thinking emoji

the masculine urge to destroy the world that destroyed mine

but birds and the sun are pretty

preserve beauty wherever you see it, no matter what its never wrong

you can do this