A B R A S I C

tl;dr: dumb-vent-womp-womp post where i talk about random bullshit from my head and why ive been very inactive. i am no longer interested in sharing my work anymore for the foreseeable future because i am a wuss. im not necessarily quitting, just focusing on myself for once. don't worry about me. thank you for your support throughout the years.

ok so i wanted to post this journal sooner, but every time that i tried to proofread this, it kind of came off as a 'woe is me' post in which people would think that they should care about my life problems. incase it sounds like it, that is not the point. this is not a post in hopes to earn your sympathy nor do i expect you to care about my personal bullshit, but rather providing a somewhat complex answer to the simple question of why ive stopped posting and interacting much as a whole.

so obviously it has been quite some time since ive done much here nowadays. as of now, im doing pretty good. great even. ever since i 'left' i felt as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. and to be honest i never really knew why. because at the time, it was fun to put whatever bullshit i had in my mind and put it on a screen to share it with people. it felt good knowing i can make certain people happy with the work i was doing. it kinda gave me somewhat of a purpose in my quite boring life lmao. it was fun to put my 'skills' to the test, to try new things, to learn, and to improve so that my next project could be even better. keeping myself happy while making others happy was a win-win for me. that would be until, something changed.

i really can't explain it. maybe i got older, maybe im more self-aware, maybe it was divine intervention, but my gut was suddenly telling me to outright stop. i know this doesn't sound like much sense, but it's like i was being told by myself to stop doing this kind of work and just move on. this sudden change of heart was the beginning of something that i didn't really want at the time. so i told myself, "but why? what about my connections? what about the people that expect me to be here? move on to do what? this is the only thing i got. why stop now?". despite what my heart wanted, i persisted. i kept going to try and keep people happy. i didn't want to tell anybody about these personal problems because i didn't want to make others sad.

over time this personal goal to constantly keep people happy was at the cost of my own. i started to cut corners. i started to tell myself my work was simply "good enough" even though i probably could have done more. i wanted to provide good and honest work even though i no longer had faith in myself. i grew depressed. i stopped sleeping. i got extremely burnt out. what was once my hobby and fun pastime has now slowly morphed into a job. people say my work looks 'good' and now i tell myself i don't think it is. i started to hate my own work. there were many times where i just wanted to delete everything and simply disappear. but i didn't. because i knew people would be sad. the sole purpose of "being here" was the only thing that was honestly keeping me around. and i am glad im still here. i genuinely, truly am. but then i finally snapped. i simply had enough. i finally decided to put my own heart first. so i stepped away from it all. i dropped everything and left.

that was about more than a year ago now. from there i took my time to figure things out, i focused on myself more, i maintained a good work-life balance, and since, ive felt significantly better. not because i just quit my one and only decent "talent" in this life, but because i simply put myself first. and over time i started to slowly realize what kind of person i really am. i felt more happier being less public. i felt happier knowing that not all eyes are on me anymore. im not built to be a leader. im not built to share my own work. what i built here was merely an icebreaker, an attempt to escape my comfort zone, but ultimately i realized that this might not be for me. "anything is better than nothing" they all say, yet my willingness to share my work was ultimately ruined by my introverted paranoia, and i blame nobody for this but myself. there is so much work (even from years ago!) that i really really really want to show you guys, but its being stopped by my inability to pride myself into doing it. and maybe this is for the better. and ill be brutally honest, i still think majority of my work is dumb as shit and to some degree i wish i have never posted them, but on the other hand it has given me access to the connections and friends that i have today! so maybe i don't completely regret all of it.

i think the biggest regret in my life is not keeping in touch more with my close friends. i wish i was more social and open with you guys when it came to problems like this because i feel like i would be in a much better spot if i were more transparent with my problems. whenever it feels like i want to talk to someone, ill regret whatever i say seconds later, or that i feel like i would be a burden to them. sometimes i feel like the whole world is against me, even though that is obviously not the case. maybe i just need to work on my social skills. maybe i just need to talk to more people who can give me the continuous drive i need in order to continue doing what i like to do. because i believe that us as humans (or whoever we are) are designed to be around others for friendship. for confidence. for inspiration. for happiness. because i feel that now i am way too paranoid to share my thoughts or even my work anymore to continue this kind of thing. and assuming that this is still the case for the years ahead, this will probably be the last journal/post in general that ill probably make for a long while.

i should also add that NONE of you were the cause towards any of this. i was practically in a battle with myself the whole time. you all are such amazing people. this fandom honestly has the most grateful, generous, thoughtful, down-to-earth people that ive ever had the honor of meeting and interacting with, both digitally and in the flesh, and i will take that statement to my grave. i am eternally grateful for this community and its people, the supporters who have been with me since day one, and to all who has enjoyed my work in one way or another. i want to thank the friends that i have, and the memories that we've shared between us. thank you all for giving me a chance!

as of now, i still plan to keep to myself and continue work on personal projects to stay busy. i know to most, this might not seem like the most exciting life or turn of events, but honestly im much happier focusing on myself again. i will still be around, but nowadays im just more of a 'lurker'. if you've got my contact, you are more than welcome to shoot me a message at any time!

somewhere in time, i do hope that someday i am able to break through the ice and share my work again in brighter spirits. if there is anything to learn from this; be the greatest and happiest versions of yourselves that you can ever be. even if life looks grim on the road ahead, things will ultimately get better. you must own this life with all you can. because you only have one of them. don't let anyone take your passions away from you, even if its yourself.

i love you all. may we be in better touch soon.

take care!

A