And what’s this about an alphabet meme? :o

I’m turning 25 years old today



Sorry, I’m not as enthusiastic about it this year…

Not that it means anything this year but I’m gonna be 25 on the first of August


yay -3-


Also I hate my Grandmother so fucking much; after over a decade taking care of her and losing both my Mom and my Mom’s Mom she’s still acting like a total asshole and bringing up my dead Mom just to get back at me.


I got dark thoughts in my head and I don’t want them in here anymore

I hate my life
I hate myself
I hate my Father
I hate my country


I’m sorry everyone…I’m not as good as I make myself out to be…if I’m destined to die young then I can only hope that my time will come sooner than later…


Just forget about trying to help me; I’m too far gone to be helped, and I’m not worth the effort anyway. I’m an attention-seeking bitch and I deserve all the backhands that life has given me.


All I know is I’d do anything just to be with Mama right now…

i have no purpose without her

My life has become meaningless and empty


I just wanna join her in heave

All I want is to go home


Just take me away from here


Take all of my pain away


And let me be free with the clouds


There’s nothing left for me here


So just let me go home

I just wanted to drop a journal and say thanks to everyone who gave their condolences. My Mother was the most beautiful prime example of what a human being should be, and that’s not an opinion - it’s a fact.

Everyone who knew her loved her, and everyone she met she accepted and loved in return. She would never cast her judgement upon anyone who didn’t deserve it. Her knowledge and kindness and wisdom will never be forgotten, and I will carry on that legacy no matter what the cost.


I’m gonna need some time for this to marinate in my head. This is the biggest tragedy yet.

As if 2022 and the previous three years hasn’t shafted me hard enough yet, my Mother just had a massive heart attack and passed away. The ambulance got a pulse back for just a minute, but just like that…she’s gone…

I’m completely beside myself. She was everything to me; she was the most important human being to ever live in my life, and once again, just like her Mother, I didn’t get to say goodbye until it was too late.


I’m beyond devastated, I’m beyond words, and I’m beyond comprehending why life continues to take so much away from me.


If I grow silent online, then chances are you’ll understand why…

Ok I just want to stress that I have never once taken a flu shot, let alone any vaccines for covid or boosters, and despite that I’m mostly healthy save for my mental stuffs.

Well for the first time since before the pandemic started, I actually have a bit of a cold.


Got that nasty pressure in my sinuses, complete with throat and nose nastiness and the shivers and headaches. It’s been a really long time since I last got sick, hopefully it goes away after a day or two.


Anyways just checking in on y’all to see if you guys are ok ^,=,^

Shark Week’s about a month away so why not? ^,=,^

That pun was 1000% intended and no, I’m not sorry for it. >:c


Anywho, as you’ve probably seen over the past few journals, life has been throwing curveballs at me hard enough to bruise a rhinoceros, but I’ve done my best to keep my health in check and stay sane, and I have many of you to thank for that.

In the following months, I’m looking forward to finally make some big changes in my life. Come August, my state ID will be upgraded to a driver’s license, and I’ll be able to transport myself wherever I please. My Mother’s back in the hospital for a little while because her condition began to worsen, but now she’s in better care and she’s in high spirits as always. She’ll be home within the next week, I’m certain.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to stay strong and work on (maybe) drawing and creating stuff to post. Who knows? Not me. X3


Special Thanks:

 shinytotodude
 haystack
 mattprower08
 grandmasterdragon
 zitaiblackdragon

I wake up from nightmares so vivid they seem real


Then find myself in another nightmare called reality


Then I fall asleep and have screaming nightmares about my reality

Then I wake up to another nightmare




Things aren’t getting better

I’m not getting better


I’m not ok at all

I mean, I feel like I’m a good person, and I feel like something good should happen to me at some point. So why the hell am I getting shafted every fucking day by this fucking universe?

I have all this shit I have to take care of at home; tending to my crippled Mom, tending to my Grandma, going shopping, doing dishes, doing laundry, doing everything except taking care of myself. Yet no matter how many days pass I still have shit that has to be done and I have no energy to do it.

I haven’t slept well in months, my panic attacks have led to respiratory issues, and everything feels like it’s completely fallen apart. I have no control over my own life or health or hygiene because I dedicate all my energy to helping everyone else.


I can’t just up and leave either, ‘cause Dad’s the only one working and bringing home money, and Mom and Granny cannot be left alone throughout the day. So I’m stuck being the Caretaker 24/7 with no days off and no breaks. My mind is crumbling under the stress of everything and I’m scared that the next time I snap it’s going to be violent and destructive.

I have no hope for the future; the world continues to burn down outside while my mind shatters on the inside. What’s the purpose of living anymore, even?


I dunno…I just needed to get this out somehow…I feel completely alone and helpless. It feels like the Gods themselves turned their back on me and decided to make my life as miserable as possible. No reward for doing good, no recognition for my triumphs, and it seems like, in the end no one’s gonna care if I’m gone.


Everything feels empty and dead…including me…

If you haven’t seen Empire Records you probably won’t get this xP





Happy Rex Manning Day, punks~

Well too bad ‘cause here’s a dood playing drums with tortillas on them! (The kind that mutes the sound, not the kind you eat.)




Happy April Fool’s day, y’all~

Hey guys, just wanted to drop a hot new journal here and let y'all know what's been goin' on since my last journal.


First and foremost, I just wanted to say THANK YOU a thousand times over for all of your support, the amount of love I was given during one of the hardest times in my life has helped me stay sane through all of this, and for that, all I can say is "thank you." <3

I managed to acquire a new iPhone thanks to my buddy, Tony, after having waited over a week due to him also having a really tough time. I've been there to support him as much as I can but the frustration made it hard, thankfully he's very understanding and totally knew where I was coming from. I still have to get the SIM card swapped out but that'll be easy. Soon enough I'll be back on Telegram and all the ol' sites! I might even make some N E W C O N T E N T


In the interim, I've been listening to a lot of dark ambient, hauntology, and experimental music lately, and I wanted to share this piece in particular with you, as I feel like it perfectly encapsulates the feelings I've been having as well as just being an unsettlingly comforting piece in general. I hope you enjoy!







EDIT: Duhrrr...forgot to mention my Telegram is @ Doodlebobbeh

I forgot what it feels like to actually have a future to look forward to. I don't remember when the last time I was truly happy. I can't recall what the taste of hope feels like on my palate.


Mom's been stuck in the hospital for over a month after she nearly died from some kind of gallbladder infection, nobody knows when she's leaving, and no one can answer why she can't feel her legs from the knees down.


Couple that with the fact that my Dad's getting blackout drunk every night and acting like a total psychopath, and the fact that my only cell phone got put in the wash by accident?


Every day I get more and more eager to jump into traffic.....

JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOJOO



Ok so I'm kinda late in posting this cause I'd watched JJBA several months ago, but holy shit, I cannot get over how amazingly weird this show is. It's truly a love letter to everything that is Animé, and a love letter to American classic rock bands too.

I mean, lord, you have characters like Robert E.O Speedwagon, Master Tonpeti, DIO, Dire and Straizo, Black Sabbath, Cream, the list goes on and on!

Needless to say I loved this series, though I will admit I have yet to finish Part IV: Diamond is Unbreakable, so NO SPOILERS PLZ.

Anyway, just thought I'd post a lil' thing and say wassup to my peeps x3

So, obviously the podcast isn't happening any time soon, seeing as I don't have the means of recording properly nor do I have the energy or time to do so.

I've started this year off the same way I've started every year for the past several years; unemployed, stuck at home all day, and going nowhere in terms of my own personal life.

I honestly don't know when I'll get around to making content again. 2021 was awful all around, and - sad as I am to admit - I don't have high hopes for the coming year. I'm still absolutely terrified of having to work a day job, because I know how horrible people can be, and they seem to be getting worse every day. The town I live in is full of poverty and crooks, and when they're not around, it's the country fuckheads who don't care about anyone but themselves. Literally a town full of Karens.


I'm really sorry I haven't had time to connect with you guys as much as I want to, but taking care of both my Granny and my Mother has become a full time job in of itself for me, and I'm still unsure of where I stand in this world as a man, nor do I know what career path I want to take. I want to make my own money, have my own house, all those things, but as much as I want to get my feet wet, I'm terrified of diving in too deep and drowning. I don't want to live a life of quiet desparation, but seeing as that's the status quo of our modern world, I guess i don't get a choice.


Again, if I had the motivation, time, and energy, I could do so many great things with my life. But I'm still cowering in fear of the horrific world that surrounds me.


Sorry...I guess this isn't the usual "Happy New Year" journal everyone seems to be posting. My mind is swimming in doubt and my spirit longs for freedom. I genuinely don't know what I want out of this life. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I feel as though I'm already finished. I've done nothing, and I see nothing happening in my future. I will come and go from this world as too many of us do; begging for a better life and a better place to live in. I'm terrified of dying without having accomplished anything, but the faces that stare back at me when I step outside my house are unkind, uncaring, and most of all, judging. Of course, it's all in my head, and those people probably care less about me than they do the ants under their shoes, but that's the most damning thing about my mind.


My mind is warped; wired wrong from the very beginning, causing me to act and behave and think irrationally. I can't look into other people's eyes, because faces are merely windows for which judging eyes can peer through. If they look too long, they will see the ugly truth. I can't talk to people, because they either don't understand me or can't relate to me.

...and the worst part is; I'm fully aware of it all.



...again, sorry for the lack of happy in this New Year. Not feeling very hopeful...

InterestofBigness over on Twitter did this lovely animation that I figured I'd share here (because relevancy :v) and simply to say...


Happy Halloween!

Heya, everybody, been quite a long time since my last update, but I wanted to drop a lil announcement here, as I've got some big plans for projects to come, and the main project I plan on starting real soon, is a project I like to call...

Dustin Ray's: Expedition ARTpop

A brand new podcast starring yours truly that explores the relationship between art and culture, and how certain styles or pieces of art shaped the world we live in today.


Ever wondered what the most important cult film of all time is? I'll be discussing that.

Ever wondered why some songs sound just like others? I'll discuss that too.

Or how about the most terrifying piece of music ever made, and why it's so scary? I'll discuss that also!


That, plus why Eddie Van Halen wasn't credited for his solo on Michael Jackson's "Beat It," how analog horror terrifies the modern internet goer, what makes a song popular, and more, will all be discussed on this upcoming podcast.


More details to come soon! Lmk if you're interested and what you think!

Stress, sadness, and self loathing have completely withered me away inside until I’m where I am now: sobbing myself to sleep, as I’ve done 1000x before. Never knowing what direction to go, always doubting my future, and feeling lost no matter how hard I try to find my path.

This world has continuously beat me down over the past decade, after having the first decade of my life being filled with joy, wonder, comfort, and laugher. It was just a tease; a look into a life that I can now never have again. Now our world continues to die, everything gets more and more expensive, and more and more opportunities at success slip away or become obsoleted by technology.

I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot for thinking I have a chance. I’m stupid for believing I could make a living doing music. My hopes and dreams are that of a stupid child who doesn’t know how the world works. Me thinking that I could have a music career is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done to myself, and that’s saying a lot.

The way things are going now, I don’t think I’ll be making a living of any kind anywhere. I set myself up for failure, and that’s all I’ve ever known.

Hey y’all!

It’s August 1st! Y’all know what that means?

I was born today 24 years ago, in 1997.



Please supply plenty of balloons!


_{Just don’t make me one pls .3.;}

Don’t you just love coming back from a week-long vacation that sucked ass only to find out that you lost your job?


No? Me neither. But, that’s been my week.


Thankfully my boss is kind enough to provide me with a positive reference and is even still friends with me despite having to let me go. She was a great mentor that sadly couldn’t help me be my best. Figures.


So, once again, for the fourth fucking time in 3 years, I’m back at square one. Gotta find another job, gotta find a way to stay sane, all while struggling to get a single good night’s sleep. Seriously, over the past week I’ve probably slept 12 hours total


Again, sorry for the lack of activity or content. Just dealing with life kicking my ass as always. I hope your week has been much better than mine.

Well, well, well, I sure know how to be subtle with my Journal titles eh? x3x

Anyways, as the title suggests, I’m gonna be heading out for a vacation this coming week, and it originally was going to be a trip to just one location, but the ongoing bullshittery with the way Covid-19 is being handled here in the US, we decided to say, “Fuck the hotel, let’s take a road trip!”

The original plan was to visit Ginnie Springs up in North-Central Florida, but due to both my pal backing out at the last minute and the hotels asking for some rather stupid prerequisites, we decided that we’ll be spending the week of my Pops’ birthday taking day-trips to various locations across the panhandle.

Some of these locations are most likely gonna be the Keys, as well as Miami, but aside from that, a lot of our plans mostly revolve around going with the flow and doing what feels right, as is a majority of our plans tend to follow that same ideology. ^^;

That being said, I’m very happy to say that I’m looking forward to spending some time with the family next week and finally exploring the state that I’ve lived in for so long like a true Bohemian! :B

Needless to say, my activity will probably be minimal to nonexistent during that time, hence my reasoning for posting this journal.


Looking forward to a fun week ahead! Wishing y’all the best this Summer and sending my love to those who have been so kind to me. Bless!