Anybody ever wondering, I'm always open for commissions!

Will do SFW/NSFW, fantasy, mechanical, scifi, whatever you desire :)

Quick rough sketch: 5 bucks
Cleaned sketch: $10
Lined: $15
Flat art (Bust or thigh up): $25
Flat art (Full Body): $30
Cell shaded (Bust or thigh up): $45
Cell shaded (Full body): $55
Full shaded (Bust or thigh up): $65
Full shaded (Full body): $75 (depends on details and character count)
Reference Sheet: Flat $60
Reference Sheet: Shaded $90 (will receive flat color reference sheet as a bonus)

(I swear I'll get a proper price sheet going soon)

Did a pretty extensive dump of sketches from the past few weeks, check it out :3

I have been pretty active with art lately for the last three or so months after squashing my art block, but posting elsewhere due to the issues FA had, but I think it's high time I repost them here as well, so be prepared for a flood of new stuff, some anthro, mostly not.

Seriously serious. What have I been up to? Finished up a 15 week certificate course for workplace competency as a ski/snowboard technician, and totally crushed it. That and just doing other arts, mostly design nonsense for a company I am starting up, not sure if I should post that, as it's not furry related at all. Anybody that reads this, what have YOU been up to? How is life in general? Can you tell I've been living under a rock? Good :3

Lately can't sleep at all, just full of guilt and horrid thoughts. Self-medication only works so much, and can't afford proper therapy or medication. I feel absolutely terrible, and it's even the top of my list of guilt, but the fact that I cannot handle projects on my own (that is self-employed) that are given to me by people because they thought I could handle it, then I completely don't do it because I get overwhelmed, and well, that bridge just spontaneously combusts, and nothing to put it out with. There's that, that makes me feel horrid, I always had problems with that and still can't get around it. I'd love to get closure from people that seem to drop off the radar, but that won't happen, I'm just one big mess and unstable at that, best not to tell me anything, right? And what is it with employment? Is my skill set that terrible, or is it a terrible resume? I have no idea, and to be honest, I have no dreams, no goals, and no hopes any more to do anything with my life, I'm not even comfortable where I am at, and why should? I try and try to search for some kind of employment, but doesn't matter where I look, I get over looked, or they hear about me and my instability and inability to work with others. That and apparently non-creative or some crazy shit like that. I've never looked at it, but people say I am creative, how? How am I more creative than the rest of you sods? Seems that nobody wants to gamble these days with crazy employees, especially once word gets around. Whatever, that's all.

So far, everything is going dandy after my move back with my friends, meeting my mate in person has been a great experience thus far, and he is almost perfect. I say almost because I can't shake this feeling that he thinks I am faking my mental problems, which I wonder to myself, why the hell would somebody lie about having bipolar or PTSD? To get attention? To get pity? Anything else I can't really think off the top of my head? I'm definitely not in any of those boats, if anything, I try to keep my issues as understated as possible, which isn't always an easy task.

He's a darling of a gentleman, but it seems he's never fully dealt with somebody with an entire book of issues, which I have told him I have seen help for it in the past, and plan to get more, and possibly medicated when I have a job again, I know I need it. He's asked if I had any episodes since I got here, and yea, I have, but not as bad as what I had over in CO, for some reason my parents cause me undue anxiety, and unneeded stress. Funny how that works. The main thing here is the little bits of anxiety attacks that he can cause unknowingly, but I love him for the fact he listens after I tell him in private of what happened and why I seemed off or wigging out, or what have you, take your pick.

Another thing I love is he respects me being an introvert, and lets me work when I need to, or at least do my own thing when he's over, but I do heed attention to him, he's something quite special. I just want him to learn I am not lying about my disease, but it's my burden, all he has to do is understand, don't try to interfere in some crazy way, understand, help by helping me cope when you see signs, and pull me out of danger when I can't. Hopefully he reads this, but as of late, he doesn't, strange, but it's ok.

So, it's another restless night filled with anxiety. Not much to it, been sleeping two or three hours each night (I count that because it takes me two or three hours to stop wrestling with my thoughts), exhausted, groggy, dizzy, I feel undone, though shuffling myself off this mortal coil is too easy, too cheap, why I never have gone through with it, tried, but then I thought through an anxious daze, what's around the next corner.

Scary monsters? Nope. Just the future, and filled with hope, and hopelessness. Wish I could afford seeing a psychiatrist for therapy again, then I could actually get on disability pay, and that would relieve SOME of the stress. Seriously, the ones that read this, you have no idea how tough the situation I am going through right now. I just want to get paid as an artist again, and that is a steady pay, or some damned compensation.

I can't rely on my friends, they know I'm off, and well, I keep saying, most people avoid people with mental problems, we are too much of a burden, too much of a problem. I keep fighting with past thoughts, which is my boon, and gift, remembering every damn thing that has happened to me like it was yesterday. I have friends who can't clearly remember two months ago, yet, I remember nonsense two decades ago quite clearly.

Now the past thoughts I fight with are again, my friend who fired me, mainly due to my mental instability and his insensitive girlfriend, who frankly short-judged me, was quick to call, made a shot in the dark, and put the word forward to get me ousted. Why can't people just learn to try to understand? Instead, we, that is, the bipolar community get labeled as nutters and loons, and well, most would rather part with that baggage, and that is what I feel like 99% of the time, baggage. If I'm not being distracted by mundane work, or even work I am interested in, I feel like extra cargo, only to be tossed aside at a moments notice.

Why the hell do I keep repeating myself, because it's all I can think about, I have nothing else to think about, sure the future, but I have to think about the present to keep myself less anxious. Wish I had more people to listen to me ramble, and understand, and try to care and comfort me somehow.

These oddjobs I've been doing for the last two or so years is making me lose my damned mind, more so than I already feel like I've lost. Yea, I had a short stint with a friend doing video editing, it was in a field I loved, and it was something I loved doing, but that was of course, taken away from me, all because I have a few mental issues, that some people think you can turn off. Yea, I am repeating myself, but I feel I need to vent, I'm just feeling down and completely stretched thin, and about to just give up on everything.

I understand the road to success isn't easy, and it necessarly doesn't mean a monetary success, that can lead to even worse situations, like being miserable but having money. That's something I am trying to avoid completely. What I had with my friend, who I'd like to think as a close friend, was awesome, I had a ton of fun, I took what he gave me seriously, and put my entire heart into it. Then, a few months down the road, my heart and job torn out from under me and out of me, and run over. What am I supposed to do? Get medicated and possibly have serious issues down the road from the medication? Am I supposed to get lobotimized and institutionalized? Seriously, what the fuck do certain people want me to do? And then saying I abandoned them when I had a next to impossible time getting a hold of them. There isn't a damn thing I can do, and I am trying my best to fix what I had, or at least the friendship.

Losing his friendship would destroy me. I don't have too many people I can relate to on a one to one basis, I can count on my hand how many people can relate to me almost completely. Not even my boyfriend is on that level, sorry babe, but to have a healthy relationship, from my research and understanding, you need some common ground, but enough opposite to make it work, you can't make two magnets of the same polarity stick, it won't work, that's nature AND proven science.

I love having it rubbed in my face time to time that I wasted my time in college for a piece of paper, or at least what I was told. The fact is, I feel I didn't waste my time, only in the sense I didn't get the ground work for experience done while I was in college, I was spending 12-16 hours a day that wasn't class days studying and researching the software I was using, alternatives, and getting to know all of it intimately, because I sure as hell can't do that with people. I hate gloating, I hate talking about myself, but what my friend had with me editing was a solid as hell editor who was quick, efficient, clean, and organized. Work was given, work was completed in a VERY timely fashion, never complained about the job, and nothing wasn't too difficult. No task was too monumental or complex, that it was out of my reach. It can't be, I've been using the software for too damn long to be confused or perplexed by it. If I could have one damned thing in this world, it'd be to sure that future career with him, it was leading to something, something awesome, hell, it was awesome.

It's a shame towards the end I was considered a prying snoop, when all I wanted was to hang out, and do more things, but nope, some people just have never been around a eschewed introverted bipolar weirdo, that some have called me a complete loon. I did my best to hide my episodes, but it got too difficult towards the end in what was a combination of a lack of sleep, and a lack of contact with two people I was living with. And no, I never signed in the mornings or was emo, per the norm, I was doing yoga and breathing exercises. Also, I was reading a damned good book with my breakfasts.

Whatever, I'm ranting again, same old same old, nobody reads this shit, not even my boyfriend, which I do wish he did, maybe he'd just stop dismissing my mental problems and act like they are a puzzle to solve, they aren't, they have been already solved, just things I'd rather not discuss with anybody, that's just how I am, who I am, and yea.

Who cares if nobody really responds to this, the usual case of anybody that knows somebody that has bipolar or related mental issues, is to just ignore the problem, assume they are crazy, and shove them aside. This has been the case over, and over, and over.

It doesn't help I've been technically alone for the past 5 or so months, that is, I do have internet contact, but that doesn't even begin to come close to actually talking to a real human being that can relate to your interests, and hold an interesting and intellectual conversation. There is something about being next to another human being that is alive, in front of you, able to converse with, something alive and real. Being an introvert, I tend to avoid such situations, but there are a few I don't feel paranoid around, as if these few people won't hurt me or try to drain me. These few seem to understand to some extent of what I deal with.

In reality though, I nobody except the handful of friends I know that suffer the same illness, yes I call it that, because it is an illness, it's something you can't "get over" as some have told me, you can't really "cure" it, it is what it is. I am aware I can possibly treat it with medication, but I am extremely fearful of being either addicted, tempted to do something stupid, or the possibility of losing my creativity, or a part of my self, my human being.

Rambling and long walls of texts, nobody these days seems to care about that, or reading books, or self-educating for some reason, it's all about ignorance and being blissfully stupid about it. There are real people out there, try to understand these people, some of them are very interesting, despite seeming crazy on the surface. I swear, the last incident I had, it hurts me to say, but I seriously think, and still do, that this person thought I was going to hurt them. The fact of the matter is, I abhor violence in real life, sure, I enjoy a horror flick with gory scenes, or violent FPS's, but that's fake and Hollywood nonsense, I can, and do understand the difference there, it's a big one.

The fact that somebody thought I'd cause bodily harm seriously hurts my feelings, it doesn't even offend, it just hurts that this person didn't even bother try to reach out to me to ask me what is actually wrong, and well, I feel wronged. Will it be fixed ever, hopefully, but sadly probably not. I do sometimes hopelessly wish I could talk to some people again, maybe work with them again, but they say my energy is either too negative or too positive, well fuck, I can't do much about it, I have tried numerous things, but nothing really fucking works, YOU, you who I say, and keep anonymous, have hurt me put yourself in my shoes and deal with my anxiety, my mental instability for a day, I dare you.

It really isn't easy now is it. Oh you can fix it right, I already said you can't, sure you could say that is a negative view, that anything is fixable, well mental issues aren't, they are manageable to an extent, but that's about it, and I don't know what the hell do besides toke up, but can't do that everywhere legally, and well, it's an expensive hobby. I can tell you for three years of my college life were kind of stable due to that, kind of being the operative word. For anybody reading this, and thinks "emo-kid, get over it, and grow up", fuck you, seriously fuck you.

Anybody that just scrolled to the bottom of this wall of garbage, and expect a TL;DR, not here, you want to read a journal, here's a journal, why the hell do I bother writing these? Reason being, I am unemployed, fearful of getting a job and dealing with getting fired again for something I have little control over. I am working on something, but who the hell knows if it'll work, my anxiety kicks and gives me a massive guilt trip that leads to a low-episode, fucking happy day.

Good day.

So my mate told me to use FA as kind of a place to vent, or spout off issues, due to the large community of caring and helpful individuals, and as well as a handful of people that go through the same nonsense, or in my case deal with certain problems.
Not to ramble on too much and get to the point, I'm not even sure what the hell I am doing, but then again, I have learned nobody my age knows what they are doing half the time. What I am getting at is, I have two degrees that well, are kind of worthless, but I know the experience I gained from that is invaluable, I have learned a lot of software, mainly video editing and digital content creation. That aside, each job I have gotten since then, I have lost due to one thing primarily, my mental issues, each time, the employer in question fires me, gives a few reasons that are not related to that, then at the end, do admit that was at least a third of the problem, if not more. I do my damnedest to not let them be apparent or interfere with work, or my work ethic.
If you are wondering, I deal with a severe case of bipolar, anxiety, avoidance disorder (it took me a month to think if I should write this, I know I make a lot of comments on here, but I don't feel like they are a going to harm me some how), and I am severely introverted. Despite the fact you guys and gals see my artist ID is me, there is still a level of anonymity here, minor, but somehow, online I am able to express myself far better than in person. These issues generally get out of hand that even I can't control, and I'd rather not be prescribed medication, I already know I'd have issues with them.
I don't want to be dependent on any substance, I've had close friends (one of which I worked with, and let me go due to me having a few severe episodes, and that scaring off another coworker, which if they read this, I'm sorry, and sorry I haven't communicated, it's extremely difficult for me to talk sometimes) ask me what I can do to manage it. I know THC has helped me a little bit, despite it being a downer, it seemed to keep me level headed enough to socialize a bit, work properly without feeling worthless or what I am doing has no value or point.
I am actually having a bit of issue writing this out, but I guess, this is the only way to do this.
I recently cut out alcohol and caffeine out of my diet to manage the bipolar, it helps a bit, but I still have my ups and downs, and being recently separated from friends, has led me down to a hole I've had difficulty getting out of, yea there were things that kind of helped, skiing was enjoyable for the short time, I do exercise, but the endorphin rush does almost nothing. I try to keep myself distracted as much as I can, but there isn't much I can do that will completely keep me off of myself and out of my mind, which sadly, my last job did a lot for me (I did video editing), I felt quite comfortable, in my element, felt like I was doing what I was supposed to, it completely kept me out of my own mind and focused.
I'm not exactly sure what else to talk about, or whether or not I am just yelling into the wind with this long winded, over-worded pile of text, probably just need to talk to somebody in an actual on one on setting, that or actually be out side, with like-minded people, who may or may not be my friends, I sadly don't have that where I am right now, talking with my parents is more or less small-talk, a lot about nothing, and no huhu.

I kind of feel alright doing my how-tos and walk-through video game videos, but they don't feel like they will get me anywhere sadly, despite having people telling me they will grow to something grand, but nothing feels right, ever. I'm not sure if things will feel right ever again, but who knows, you never know what tomorrow holds. I do know I have to try to be a better human being, or at least the best I can be at this moment, or the next one.

The TL;DR of all this rambling is, I feel little or no self worth due to losing jobs due to several mental problems, which people tell me to get over it and over myself, as if it was a switch to turn off. I feel like I need to do something with my life, or I'll lose my sanity completely, and I need somebody to listen, and not just "yea uh-huh" me.

I'm quite happy about being in the fandom...and quite happy I saw this :3

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9602400/