Yep, still alive and kickin' despite all things. Message me or something if you want to talk, I miss most of you. Just kidding; I missed all of you.

You want to know how lame my life is? This is a copy/paste of a journal I just posted elsewhere.

I just got home from work. It's ten at night and I got there at seven in the morning. My mother found out by accident that things are in order for me to move out and get an apartment at River's Edge, and believe me, it was a fun time when I got home. I work about sixty hours a week right now. I'm so tired. I'm going to need help moving on Thursday if anyone's in the mood. I'm so fucked if this all falls through, like with my car being changed over into my name and getting insurance and moving and paying for the move and rent. And my mom's just adding to the stress. I'm stretched so fucking thin these days, and I'm sorry I haven't seen much of anyone or spoken to most of you in a long time. I haven't even been online in about two weeks. I'm sorry. I'm just dissolving into nothingness right now and I'm scared. I don't know if I can take another failure or another heartbreak. I don't know if I can start over again. I don't know if everything's going to work out. It just feels like I've been dead for a long time, or at least spent a little too much time in the company of death. There's a part of me that knows I'm supposed to be dead already. There's a part of me that wishes I was. If I'm not out of my mom's house by this weekend, I'm going to kill myself. I just can't do it anymore. I'm just too tired. I'm tired of fighting for what really amounts to nothing in the end. I'm tired of it and I want to lay down and never wake up again. I just want some peace. Because I'm losing what's left of my already fractured soul and it's too painful. I just need things to work out for the best for once. Just this once and I won't ask for anything ever again, I promise.

I just noticed how close I am to 1,000 hits on my little FA page here, and I must admit I never expected even that kind of response. I have 48 favorites. I love you guys so much, you have no idea.

Anyways, to the point:
I'm finally starting to draw again, I have several pieces of gift art in the works right now, but I want more to do. Whoever gets a screenshot of my thousandth hit and sends it to me first gets a special prize, which I won't even mention to anyone but the winner. Trust me, you want to win.

That is all for now. (Wow, Jesse in a good mood? Who'd have thought?)

I really do. It just feels like every time I'm almost back to feeling alright, like maybe I've got something to live for, this world just deals me another huge blow. Last night was a really nice evening, it really was, and like usual it tricked me, I thought maybe things were getting better. Today, my mom called the Humane society because she was worried about my cat, Persephone, and the fact that she kind of seemed sick. Apparently, it's pretty good chances that she has lukemia. And my kitten probably has it too. And they might have given it to my mom's two cats. She took Nix, our kitten, and Persephone to the Humane Society earlier today (I had to come home and I had about five minutes to say goodbye to them). They were so scared. They didn't know what was going on. If they haven't been put down yet they're probably still scared in their little cages, after being stuck in my mom's laundry room for almost a month now this. God, I hate myself. I should've gone with her to see that they were alright. But no, I had to go apartment hunting today with my boyfriend and our room mate Mike. The Humane Society is going to call me later tonight hopefully, because they're going to do some tests and see if they are indeed sick. If they are there's nothing that can be done for them and they'll just put them down. I'm amazed I can even type right now, because I just can't stop crying. I'm wearing Persephone's collar as a bracelet right now and it just won't stop jingling but I can't take it off. I wish I had some money so I could go drink this away. I wish I had a car so I could just drive away somewhere alone. I wish I knew what was happening to them or how I could've helped them more. I wish I knew where they're going to wind up, or if they're just going to die. There is no god.

I moved back home to Michigan, so to those of you from around here I promised I'd hang with, feel free to give me a call sometime, or even send me your number. Right now my internet access is very limited and rare, so all apologies if I don't respond to anything right away.

Much love,
Jesse

I'm going to be starting some art today for the first time in months. Sorry If I owe anybody any work I promised them and it's been forever. A few of you can expect surprises in the coming week or so.

 jjmrpg04 - I have your birthday/trade art started in the conceptual and lineart sense. Sorry it's kind of late.

 SkyCroc - Whether you like it or not, I'm drawing you something.


*UPDATE*
I just uploaded some more of my writing, seeing as I finally organized some of my files and transcribed more of it to my computer. I'll be organizing my gallery soon as well, so that there will be a distinct seperation between poetry, lyrics, photography, and artwork. Because I'd hate for this to be as confusing as my series of notebooks I keep my work in is.

Seriously, I don't have a job right now and the move isn't for another couple of weeks, I should have nothing but time, yet all of the art I was working on and all of my writing has come to a dead halt. I don't know why.

I'm sorry I haven't been very active in the community lately, and to all my pals, drop me a line or something.

I know I've been absent for over a week. It's because I took a much-needed trip back home, where soon I'll be living for good if all goes as planned. I could post some massive update right now, but I feel lazy and I want a cigarette. Suffice to say it involved skinny dipping, much hardcore dancing, dirty pictures, lots of tongue, and some other wonderful happenings.

I jsut got Open Canvas and Hamachi, so once I get it figured out somebody come and play with me.

I've been talking to some of you about some very serious issues at hand... and I just want you all to know that everything's fine and all has been resolved. I fixed things, but it was a joint effort. Thanks to those who were listening, and thanks to those who helped me out.

Somebody please give me something to draw - I'm really bored, and I need to get my mind off of some things I really can't avoid. I just need somebody to give me some ideas as to what they would like to see, and besides, it'll help with the whole "now accepting commissions" thing if there are more examples of my work up, especially of stuff you guys like.

Much love,
Jesse

Information is here, for those that wish to partake:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/617200/

Enjoy.

My computer is a Sony Vaio that I bought with the second little bit of money I got working at my first job (the first bit bought me my first guitar). It's almost seven years old, and is kind of decrepit at times. Tonight I will be updating a lot of software and ridding myself of trivial things no longer necessary. Also, I will finally get my scanner working again if it fucking kills me, so expect more artwork from me, and by more I mean years' worth of work, in the next week or so.

Much love.

I updated Stephan's story... It now describes the first day in a very long week he has, and is intended to be part one of a (you guessed it) seven-part series about him. I'll also have artwork of him, as well as artwork of him with Larathen's Kaboose character, up either today or tomorrow. Plus, if I can indeed fix my scanner as I plan, then I'll also have some other artwork surprises for you.

Funny how I was originally going to draw Stephan's story in comic book form, only to realize I'm not competent enough with that format to do it properly. Oh well.

When you don't know how to speak. Or what to say, for that matter.

There's no excuse. And no escape.

It's like I'm dead already and my body just hasn't gotten the message yet.

This hurts more than I could ever properly express or convey to you with words.

I'm sorry, and it just isn't enough.

I saw this meme on several people's journals, and decided it looked like a fun time.

1. What is your favorite anime?
Cowboy BeBop - amazing music, epic battles, dogfights in outer space; what's not to love?

2. What is your second one?
Wolf's Rain, although the ending made me cry then smile then cry again.

3. If you could change your username without losing your stuff would you?
I really don't know - wolfsquirrel simply popped into my head when I was trying to name myself on here, and I enjoy the thoughts it evokes in the people who know me on here and the fact that it sounds like a D&D monster of some sort.

4. What is your favorite Japanese song?
"The Real Folk Blues" (the end credit song from Cowboy BeBop; I know it was written by Yokko Kanno but I have no idea who performed it)

5. Who was the reason you came to FA?
 Lolly-Pup convinced me to join because he knew I was just starting to appreciate the fandom and needed some direction. He was the only furry I knew in real life, and is one of my best friends, so I listened to him. And I'm glad I did.

6. Who was your first watcher?
 Af-Mas and I really appreciate all the words we've shared.

7. Who was the first person to do a commission for you?
It wasn't a commission, as I'm poor and a cheap bastard so I've never done one, but my first and so-far only trade was done with  Kade. She's a sweetheart and an amazing artist. Why are you still reading this? Go check out her gallery. I'll wait.

8. How many people are currently watching you?
Twenty-two. Where's the love?

9. Do you currently have any problems with FA?
My only beef is that the browse feature isn't more specific, although it is much better than any I've encountered on any other site.

10. What is that problem?
See above.

11. What is your favorite furre related online game?
They aren't technically online games, but the Star Fox games have always been a favorite of mine, both for the gameplay and the characters.

12. What is your favorite non-furre related online game?
Age of Empires/Mythology or the Half-Life games and mods.

13. What online game do you wish you could play?
I've never played World of Warcraft, and damn does it look like fun. Shame I'm so cheap.

14. Do you wish you could draw?
I can to a certain degree, but damn do I wish I could do a better job at it.

15. If you could somehow be able to draw by trading your writing abilities for drawing ones... would you?
I already do both. And even if I couldn't, the answer would still be no.

16. Do you wish you had more people reading your stories sometimes?
I don't care how many people read my work; just that those who do enjoy it.

17. What do you hate most in the world?
Idiots, bigots, and people who try and cram their religion down your throat because "theirs is the only way." Technically, all three of those count as one thing for the most part.

18. Would you leave FA anytime soon?
No, but who's asking?

19. Do you wish you had as many people watching you as you watching other people?
I could care less, really. I figure that of the many people on here, I'd rather associate with those who are going to take the time to talk to me and be my friend than those who won't. Twenty-two may not be a huge number, but damn do I love all twenty-two of you.

20. What is one of your fantasies?
A life where I don't have to be afraid, where I don't always feel like I'm fighting for my life on every level whether it's my health, bigotry, or something else coming to silence me forever, where I can walk around down town with my boyfriend holding hands and not have idiots staring at us like we're freaks. It'll never happen, but it's nice to dream sometimes. Sometimes, it's all you can do.


Yeah, I know. I'm a lame-ass. Bite me.

I added to Malik's story and just re-uploaded it in the same place. Things are about to heat up, I just haven't gotten around to it just yet. I hope you enjoy.

I've been really weird and out-of-touch lately. I haven't even been online lately. And I think I know why. I was supposed to come home, back to Michigan, back to my life that got ripped right out from under me, yesterday. Everything fell apart so fast, I guess I just couldn't even cope with it. Now I'm in the process of changing jobs while sitting here currently unemployed, the apartment is starting to feel like a home and i don't know if I lvoe it or hate it, and I have a lot of things just making my head want to explode. I haven't called any of my friends in over a week to at least let them know, I haven't spoken with my family much (although things with my dad are going really well, surprisingly), and I'm starting to grow distant from my boyfriend simply because I feel dead inside sometimes these days. It's like there's this hole in my chest, and every day a little bit more of my will power and happiness just fall out of it. I can't focus, I can't sleep, my eating schedule's even more fucked than normal, and I'm smoking more than a pack a day of cigarettes and drinking way more than I should. Something's wrong with me and I don't know if it's depression, stress, loneliness, bitterness, or this impending sense of death that's causing the problems. Maybe I'm just an idiot. Hell, I know I am. I'm an idiot, I'm a fuck-up, I'm a loser, I'm a bastard, I'm a bloody fucking mess. I'm dying because I simply don't know if I want to live sometimes. The only thing that's keeping me sane is my boyfriend, and sometimes I think he's going to leave me because I'm an asshole. I just want the pain to stop. I just want to feel alive again, and I don't mean that whole "You were smiling and laughing earlier today and now you're an emotional wreck, what the fuck?" thing my mind does lately. I want to finish something, maybe a drawing, maybe a story, maybe something more important. I want to go back to school. I want, I want, I want, like I'm an impudent child whose mother doesn't know how to properly scold him into complacence. It's always fucking about me. Shit, I'm screwed. Now I'm just typing more proof of my failure at life into a public blog where everyone can read it if they want and think, "God he's pathetic." and be right. Fuck me.

I've been gone for a long time, and I know it. I'm sorry about that. Expect more lameness from me in the coming days, maybe even some new uploads! Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm kind of in a weird place emotionally these days. At least the tears would sell if I could get them up on furbid.

As  jjmrpg04 posted in his journal:

"I decided to make a new kind of meme lol. Since no1 actually reads shit i post, it probably won't go far but here is what you do.

***O Face MEME***

For those of you who don't know, an "O Face" is the face you make when are having an orgasm.

WHAT TO DO: Take a pic of your best O Face and post it, then tag 5 more people to do it. Now I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE SELF CONSCIOUS or whatever, but get over it, cause this could be very humorous. You can draw a pic if you must but RL pics preferred (Nothing explicit).

HERE IS MINE:
http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d.....4/RES02883.jpg

LOL enjoy that."

Here's my O Face: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/500177/

Next to O:
 Kade
 Af-Mas
 Larathen
 Kadath062
 Lolly-Pup

And although I would prefer a picture, like jjmrpg04 said, drawings are acceptable.

 Af-Mas posted this, and I found it amusing, so I figured why the hell not and decided to do it.


IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.

Opening Credits: "You Don't Know Me" by JoCaine
How appropriate.

Birth: "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club
Was?

First day at school: "Poetic Tragedy" by the Used
It's high school all over again!

Falling in Love: "I Greatly Dislike You" by Idiothead (a friend's band that you should totally check out, Google them)
That really doesn't seem like a healthy relationship, does it?

Fight Song: "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by Leonard Nimoy
I fail at life.

Breaking Up: "I Need a Man" by the Eurythmics
Sounds like I would be.

Prom: "Seven Seas of Rhye" by Queen
I got plenty of Queen played at my senior prom, so this fits really well, especially seeing as it's one of my favorites of theirs.

Life: "When Tomorrow Comes" by the Eurythmics
Sadly, that would make it today. The story of my life.

Mental Breakdown: "My Plague" by Slipknot
Wow. Just, wow. Like I said, high school all over again.

Driving: "Can't Get Away" by Third Eye Blind
One, no I can't, and two, Third Eye Blind is my favorite band, and three, I'm a whore for long car rides involving car karaoke.

Flashback: "Through Being Cool" by Devo
Taking the changes I've made into account, this is perfect.

Wedding: "How's it Going to Be" by Third Eye Blind
I sing this song to my fiance all the time, and lick his face when the lyrics scream "I want to taste the salt of your skin." How perfect.

Birth Of Child: "Potions Yesterday" by Draco and the Malfoys
So my child is going to be an evil nerd?

Final Battle: "Pinball Wizard" by the Who
So apparently it will be an epic battle of arcade nerds? Fuck yes!

Death Scene: "Narcolepsy" by Third Eye Blind
Seeing as I'm terrified of sleep (but not death, ironically) and death is "the big sleep," plus the way I want to die is detailed in this song, it fits perfectly.

Funeral: "Alien" by Idiothead (again, plug plug)
Seeing as I often feel like one, plus my funeral will likely be some sort of crazy stage act, this is perfect.

Ending Credits: "Tank!" by Seatbelts
The saxophone is the sexiest instrument ever. This song is part of why that is true. And the way I've always seen it is it's all about departure and adventure. Delicious. "I think it's time we blew this thing, so get everyone and their things together, ok 3, 2, 1, let's jam."

I finished my badge trade with  Kade, and posted a shitty photograph of it. It now needs only be mailed.

I'm almost done (!) coloring "Jesse and the Dangaroo." As it was probably the first piece of furry art I was truly pleased with, I'm taking extra-special care of it. The sad thing is, I think I'm going to have to start over on coloring it, because there are several things that have gone wrong thus-far that are frustrating the hell out of me.

After a couple of private messages, I've begun doing reference pieces of  Kadath062 and  Af-Mas for use in a couple of pieces that don't star my fiance or myself for a change. Unfortunately, I'm having difficulties drawing the intricate glowing markings that cover Kadath's body. I would also love to draw  Larathen, and I'm waiting on a response from him as to whether or not I may.

I'm hoping to acquire a scanner today, so that I can upload some artwork. It's long-overdue, and photographs just don't cut it.

That is all for now. Maybe if today goes as planned I'll upload some yiffy goodness for you.

Well, here's a bunch of random tidbits for the lot of you.

I'm almost done coloring Kade's badge (*EDIT* I am done, now it needs only be shipped to her. */EDIT*), and I feel crappy that I haven't had as much time as I thought I would. It should actually be done tonight/tomorrow, and then I can try and upload a shitty photograph of it while simultaneously shipping it off to her. "Jesse and the Dangaroo" is about halfway done being colored, as it is something of an experiment in mixed media (oil paint, sharpies, colored pencils, inks). I'm going to open for a few commissions once I get a few pieces I'm working on done. Don't worry, I'm cheap, and I work in multiple mediums including pen, pencil, sharpie, marker, paints, charcoal, pastels, and my favorite, ceramics. Just don't request anything too complex please - I'm really nowhere near as good as I wish I was. Prices will be up soon.

More of my writing will likely be uploaded soon, hell probably tonight. I actually have the beginnings of two stories based around my Dungeons & Dragons campaign world to upload, although they are non-furry so be warned, haw.

*EDIT* I uploaded two of my stories, one of them about my drug-addicted young Half-elven prostitute named Malik which is non-furry related, and one of them about the lizard people in my campaign (it has some really great gay lizard sex in it actually, making it somewhat a furry tale). */EDIT*

We got cable in the apartment now, and let me tell you, over these last five months I can't believe how much I've missed television (even the commercials).

Plans to return home to Michigan are going very well, and if all goes as planned I should be back home around May 21st.

I just noticed somethign earlier tonight - the song "Bananaphone" must have been inspired by "Mellow Yellow." Lyrics that make me think this:
"Electrical banana
Is sure to be the next big thing.
Electrical banana
Is sure to be the next big thing.
They call me Mellow Yellow..."

1. When did you realize you liked boys?
when I was eleven or twelve, in my karate class, when I couldn't take my eyes off of my instructor's sexy chest

2. When did you first kiss another boy?
18

3. when was your first time?
19

4. top/bottom/switch?
I like to try and do both, but my health limits me sometimes

5. is your fursona gay?
yes

6. Do you have a preferred body type?
I like my guys to have a little bit of extra; not anorexic, not obese, just a healthy and slightly stocky middle

7. Have you ever had a crush on a straight guy?
lots of times, and three of those times I managed to get the guy, so maybe sometimes they were liars

8. Celebrity crushes?
Jake Gyllenhal, Jared Leto, Guy Pierce

9. Furry crushes?
all of the male characters from the Rampage video games, Fox McCloud, Falco Lombardi, Peppy Hare

10. Dick, butt, balls or other?
all of the above

11. Shaved or not?
trimmed and kept neat and in-control

12. Any particular kinks?
one of the only normal things I've never tried is the rim job, but I will NEVER be into scat or piss or any of that stuff, it's just gross to me

13. Fav Porn Comics?
I have no idea what it's called, maybe some of the rest of you do, but it involves a teenaged fox and a teenaged cheetah (Cougar? Leopard? I don't remember.) having their first times together

14. Would you consider doing it with a girl?
never again

15. Have you done it with a girl?
yes

16. Do you ever do anything stereotypically flaming?
I hold my boyfriend's hand and kiss him in public which immediately shows what I am to anyone, I am very animated at times

17. Do you try to act 'straight' around non-gays?
I'm not very "gay-acting," so no, I really don't have to put up any sort of pretense, and I wouldn't even if I was "gay-acting"

18. Are you 'out' to your family/close friends?
yes

19. Who was the first gay fur artist you encountered?
artdecade and Zen

20. What is a 'must have' in your porn?
I have to like it

21. Do you ever daydream/have personal fantasies?
everybody does

22. Do you have a fur species besides your own character that really gets you hot?
tigers and horsies and kangaroos

23. Do you know any gay manga/anime you could recommend to folks?
Metanoia (it's a webcomic and I HIGHLY recommend everyone read it)

24. How many gay friends do you have?
Less than a dozen, but then again, I have a lot of friends and some of them are probably liars (see question #7)

25. Do you own any sex toys?
I've always been one to improvise

26. Are you circumcized? Do you prefer cut or uncut cocks?
I'm circumcized, but I wish I wasn't, because tink of it this way: when we were young, many of us had a piece of our favorite body part cut off, without anesthesia, because several religions and cultures DEMAND it, regardless of what we wanted because we were too young to make the choice for ourselve. I honestly don't think it's right to mutilate our children for our own purposes, hell, I refuse to neuter/spay/clip my pets, because I don't think it's right. Now I don't have a preference as to whether my man is circumcized or not per-se, but that doesn't mean I don't have a slight leaning towards the uncut meat.

27. Rough or Romantic?
a healthy balance is the key to a healthy relationship


Wow, that was gay.

I've entered into my first trade, with  Kade, who happens to be one of my favorite artists on this site. Go check her stuff out, it's delicious.

And in other news, I'm almost finished coloring the piece I just uploaded last night, plus I'm working on my trade, plus I've got a couple other pieces I might upload.

That is all.

EDIT:
Amazing how smoking a cigarette, drinking a Mike's Hard Berry, and watching The Island of Dr. Moreau can inspire me.