So I figured it was time for a journal, not done one for a little while so I thought it was about time that I did one.

Firstly I want to start off by saying that I am now going to be getting a partial fursuit that I am looking forward to. its being made for me by a friend, once I have more information on it all I will post and let those that are interested know.

Next on the list is photograhy, recently I have started to become more and more confident in using my DSLR, so much so I have had a couple of people ask about so of the photo's that I have taken outside of the fandom. This is at least promising as it could be something I may be able to get into and bring in a little extra money.

Other then that I have started to attend the London Furmeets again, you can all thank  tiaan for this. As if I am honest I needed someone to motivate me a little to get me out again. That being said I have now done a Lincon Furmeet.

Other then that I don't know what to add to this so ask me stuff's :P

As some of you know I have recently been thinking on a lot of things well i guess its time I finally lay it all out and then go from there.

To Start off with Eurofurance
this year I was at EF had an amazing time, meet with friends and spent lots of money at the bar. This coming year I am not certain I will attend. the reason being is that the people I would attend with all suit, and I know will want to spend as much time as possible in there suits. So I can see me getting dropped by the wayside whilst they suit. I also dont want to room on my own again this year, cause the rooms are not cheap. if I had a full time Job I would likely room on my own.

Next on my list is a couple things that have been playing on my mind a bit recently. Currently I am single and just going with the flow of life, but more recently I have started to feel like, i guess a bit of a 5 minute wonder. A lot more people I am starting to notice are going "yeah want to know you" then after a while they seem to lose a lot of interest. So much so, when they ask me to visit them, im starting to become more and more recluctant to actually want to go. I guess Im doubting myself as a person, and im scared of the fact im not certain how they will react in person with me having a fake eye.

the next part of what is on my mind is the fake eye, yer i have fun with it. The thing is I am starting to wonder what others think of it, very recently I had someone comment, "because I have no problem taking the eye out, I am no more then a toll that enjoys making others sick". In some repects I can understand that, if eye's freak people out. Tho on the other hand the amount that ask me to take the eye out so they can see it makes me wonder what others really think. I guess i also feel ashamed I wear a fake eye, cause if I ever manage to get a relationship. I am scared that it might end it cause the person im seeing might not be able to deal with the fact i have a fake eye

I am going to scotiacon this year, if you see me feel free to say hello

Well i will be at EF tomorrow, I hope to see many of you there. I will have a badge this year so do come and say hi

ok EF is sorted just saving up spending money. so that is all good

next work is causing me a few issues, as such I am looking for a new job, hopefully i will get a new job soon.

now on to more interesting things. A lot of you know i volunteer with the fire service, well more recently I have started working with the fire cadets on a monday night. All i can say is damn is it taxing, working with 13/14yo's is rewarding but they do test a lot about your character. which frankly is getting very testing for me, but i have faith it will be both it in the long run.

With starting to work with the fire cadets means i have a lot to learn and understand, so please if you message me dont be surprised if i take a while to respond or seem distracted. Chances are I likely have my head in a manual that im reading. As recently i have had a few people getting upset I dont speak with them much. even going to the point of saying i should drop the fire service for them, you can imagine what i told them.

so feel free to message me if you want to talk but please do understand at times im going to be busy

im going to eurofurance again this year, managed to get myself a room in the hotel again as well.

super happy wolf

any that want to meet up at eurofurance let me know

So more recently I have been thinking, since getting my new fake eye (that looks utterly amazing) I want to get out and met people again, even tho im shy as hell.

I used to go to the London Furmeets but stopped because of work and the fact i was always worried what i looked like because of my eye.

So im going to put this out there now, if you live in the UK, message me as I would like to meet more people and actually get out more.

linked below are all the photo's I took at EF21.

https://www.flickr.com/gp/134938333@N03/72X315

as the title says i travel out to Germany tomorrow. if you want to meet up leave a message :P

Where are you staying?
In the Main-Hotel

What day are you getting there?
on tuesday

Who will you be with?
alone

What suit(s) will you have?
none

Can I dance with you?
I don't dance.

What is your gender?
Male

How old are you?
26

How tall are you?
5'7"

Are you mated?
nope

Can I touch you?
maybe

Can I talk to you?
if you want

Can I hug you?
only if you say hello first

Can I take photos of you/with you?
maybe

Can I buy you drinks?
if you want

Do you drink Alcohol/Smoke?
i drink Alcohol and i dont smoke

Can we hang out?
sure

Are you nice?
that depends

Where will you be most of the time during the con?
somewhere at the con

How to find me?
-shrugs-

Well this morning whilst cycling to work I managed to get knocked off my bike by a car on a mini roundabout. so I now have a bike thats a little bent and a great deal of pain from all the bruises i have but lucky nothing is broken. All because the driver failed to check the road was clear before pulling out in front of me.

I will say the driver at least had the decency to stop and offer to help.

picture of the bike after the accident https://www.dropbox.com/s/dbv70szt5.....G0422.jpg?dl=0

A lot of people have been asking what has been up with me of recent, and the easiest thing to say is im hurting a lot. My feeling have been toyed around with like its a game. People I have gotten close have gone off with others and it feels like the time and effort I have put into them has been wasted.

Now I have gotten to a point of wanting to give up with dating all together, and not waste my time being hurt time and time again. Most I have got close to said they would support me with my eye, but when i had my operation I was left by myself to mostly take care of myself, and deal with it. Now I hate what I see when i look in the mirror. So many told me, getting the eye sorted would be worth it, now I dont believe it was. im pain free but most dont want to deal with what i have to do cleaning the eye.

If anything now i feel like im something to be put aside and not cared for. all because of a disablity I have had no control over. Part of me hopes I am wrong, but I dont think that I am.

ok my operation to have my right eye removed is all done and i am now at home resting

Well as the title suggests, my operation is today in a little over 3hrs time

I only have a week to go to my eye operation. so at the moment I am slowly climbing the walls with I want the operation here and over and done with, but at the same time I am scared silly of the operation. so much in fact that i'm not sleeping right and have even had nightmares.

I also have everyone going "your be fine" but i don't think they understand my level of fear of operations. I am so scared of operations i would not be surprised if I break down and start crying, and the thought of that honestly makes me feel weak.

Even tho having my right eye removed is a relatively straight forward operation, and from what I have been told a quick operation its still not something I like thinking about. with all the information I have and all the people I have spoken to, to try and get my head in the right place for the operation, I still have a fear of the operation and a fear that I will not be able to go though with the operation, because I dont think my head is in the right place for it.

-sighs- is a weak and scared wolf

Ok all I will keep this short and sweet. I have the dates for my Operation.

my pre-op assessment is the 16th March and the surgery is on the 7th April

Ok going to keep it brief but I am looking at getting a partial fursuit. does anyone know any fursuit makers that might be interested in helping me design a fursuit for me keeping in mind I can only see out of my left eye. The right eye i am totally blind in and soon that will be a fake eye.

ok well I now have 3 fursona's I can use and simply put I want to use all 3 of them a little. this does not mean i'm changing my main fursona, im still going to be the same purple wolf you all like.

But I do want to start using Donovan as I have had his reference image for a while. so basically what im asking is, are there any of you out there that would like some art work with the Roo, if so please leave a comment or note me.

Now I have only recently brought berry cat so I am going to be looking to also get some art with him, and again if anyone is interested in art with him then please leave a comment or note me.

well for once i thought i'm going to post some good news, instead of all depressive.

This year i might be going to Eurofurance, I have costed it all and when I thought I might not be able to afford it, my mother does no more then offer to help pay for it, simply because i am still waiting on my eye operation and it would give me something to look forward to.

that said i'm now worried that I will have the bad luck of my operation will fall then or I will still be healing. but for now i shall try and remain hopeful as its time i'm due a little good luck

as some of you may know, I have been waiting to have my blind eye removed. today the hospital have put me on the waiting list for the operations and it could be done within a few weeks. so yer :/

I will say this now I dont care if anyone reads this its me venting.

Well I went back to the Doctor's on friday and was signed off work for another 2 weeks. this has annoyed my manger. He wants to have a serious chat when I return to work, I already know he wants to change my hours I work. I feel like the change is now going to be forced upon me. My manger also told me when I handed in my sick note, that Im not being paid for all this time off. Which is great if i am not getting paid as it means im going to run into money issues if im not careful.

All this is starting to make feel like everything is my fault. being blind in one eye, having pain from it, being terrified of an operation, getting depressed and stress to a point i need signing off. all of it, I just want to cry most days now as I don't know what to do any more. I just want to give up on everything. then maybe I might not feel like its all my fault. I wish I was different, not some thing that seems to be here to cause others hassle.

I need something at the moment to give me a boost, make me smile and be happy again. At the moment i'm just consistently feeling depressed, most days now I just cry, even the littlest things seem to get me down.

A friend said I should try writing to try and get out how im feeling but that does not seem to work, its the same when it comes to drawing, I used to love that now it feels like im making no progress.

So at this point if anyone has any ideas of things I can try to get me moving again it would be great. as im totally out of ideas of what to do now. I feel like I have no one to turn to for support at the moment

well i'm slowly getting to a point i cant mentally take any more shit, most days now I feel like I want to break down and cry, the anti-depressants im on dont seem to be helping me much.

I just dont know where to turn any more, each time i think something good might happen it gets thrown back in my face. now im getting to a point that im feeling both nervous and scared to go back to work tomorrow, because I know regardless of how much pain i am in, my manager will keep putting pressure on me. He seems to think that having an operation hanging over me that i am terrified off is silly and stupid. Its like he does not care that having to have an eye removed is not an easy thing to go though, I have tried so many times in the past to go though with the operation and each time I have not been able to. now I don't really have choice as the hospital cant do anything more for me.

I just wish I could make all this go away as i cant take this anymore, I dont know what I can do any more as I just feel so alone with it all ;-;

http://www.twitch.tv/wolfbite21
http://www.twitch.tv/wolfbite21
http://www.twitch.tv/wolfbite21
http://www.twitch.tv/wolfbite21

come watch and support

not often I pimp an artist but this one you will watch, you are not allowed to dispute this. :P

she has done a couple of commissions for me and i dare say i will be getting more in the future.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4789817/