Birthday is indeed today. Woo

I know I'm not really on here any more but I just haven't had anything to post. Trying to save up, and just been broke in general. And if anything being on here doesn't do my mind much good anyway. Maybe one day I'll be back.

As the title implies, content warning for death and grief.

Not gonna be a pleasant entry this, sorry.

Last week was pretty tough. I'm not gonna go into much detail, but mid September, we had a co-worker and a good friend pass away far too young. Yesterday, 5th of October, was her wake, which I went to and I'm glad I did go to, as difficult as it was.

I was on holiday when she got sick, although it kinda started before that, and only when I came back to work was I told that it was terminal. At first, I didn't really seem to have any response to it. But it came to me over time, and the week leading up to her wake I could barely stop thinking about it.

I've been trying to read up about how people with neurodivergent issues, or ASD like myself, deal with grief, but it seems to be a fairly unexplored area in psychiatry. It took longer for my mind to 'react' to it, and when it did, I was actually a bit surprised by how much it was affecting me. It's not my first experience with loss, but I think because I saw her every day, it felt so much more immediate, or her absence was a lot more obvious, I think?

I'll know I'll continue to think about it. And about her, as well. She really was a bright light in this world. I'm just happy to have been a part of it, if only for a few months.

I wonder how many people know about the GNU Terry Pratchett header. The idea that someone is never forgotten so long as their name is spoken. I'd like to keep that in mind for her. And I'll keep on living my life and trying to be happy, because I know she would want us all to do that, that's just how she was.

Or sort-of that day at least, it's technically Saturday as I post this :p

Been a while ofc but to be honest there hasn't been much that's very noteworthy lately.

I've been thinking about needing to take initiative more in things, in my own life anyway. A lot of things are very frustrating as I seem to keep asking and waiting for other people to do things. So lately I've been going on ahead and just getting it done myself. I'll admit, it feels awkward, but at the same time I'm often happy to be finally rid of tasks.

One of those being that I bought myself a bike. And now that I got it, I have no reason to keep the car any more. I haven't sold it because my dad kept asking me to hold onto it, for whatever reason, and he'd buy it from me or.. something. But it's been like that for.. weeks, months even. And now, instead of wanding about with "will he won't he" I can put my foot down with "look, either you take it or I'll find someone else who will"

I could really do with the cash from it, to put it simply. Driving a car is expensive as heck. Save that money, sell it, use it for better things. Top of my head, I'd pay my phone finance off early, and replace all these old crappy gross pans at the house with shiny new ones, maybe a good knife sharpening set, yknow, useful things.

As I think about it, initiative.. I can apply it to things online as well, not just in-person. Trying to progress my career which, if it all works out, would likely mean some kind of permanent or semi permanent online presence. Which means dealing with those of a less unsavoury demeanour. And I have to decide if I should be more willing or comfortable with engagements or more willing to cut out toxicity quicker? I feel like the real answer is halfway between those things.


Anyway that's all. I'm going to bed now <3

It is me
Here to spread chaos

Implemented a few things into life to (hopefully) draw less stress onto me
Like heavily limiting my time on twitter
Seriously that place is a cesspit even before space karen took over

And mostly just sticking to close friends and smaller communities
So far I've been feeling a lot better with things so hopefully these keep on working

Anyway that's about it :3

So this is a little different, yes. I've tossed about the idea of writing out a diary for a while now, and my partner says that it could help me dealing with feelings or emotional troubles.
Well here it is. I decided to make it public on here, just to be open to people and it might help me a bit more getting things off my chest. This won't be a regular thing (my ADHD would never allow that) but when I have time to do so, I'll be sure to write something.

First off, I want to establish something. When I write these diary entries, I'm writing and talking as myself. Not as my character, but the real, fleshy human IRL me. So a quick introduction: hi, I'm Evelyn. Okay that's plenty :)

How have I been feeling lately then? Well, the best way to describe it would be 'turbulent'. Some days are highs, followed immediately by lows, and even minor things can cause it. Sometimes there's highs and lows in a single day. Now that's probably quite standard for people, I assume. But it can be quite drastic, and it's definitely tiring..
Something that keeps bugging me recently is how I really struggle to move on. When things happen, they stick with me, I find it tough to ignore it or to not let it get at me, even weeks, months, years after. Some of my concern with this is the perception that I'm unforgiving, which I don't want to imply is the case to people. Not everyone can get along, agreed, that's just how things are. But after particularly bad experiences, when I just want to leave it in the past but I find myself unable to forget it, or more annoyingly, when I keep on being reminded of it, it can really wear on me.

Now I'm sure a lot of this is just personal issues. Issues I have with envy or an inferiority complex or both together. And sometimes I get the feeling that I'm.. invisible? I think that's the best way to describe it.
But yeah, invisible. Something else that really wears down on me, which I find somewhat unusual. IRL, I usually prefer being on my own, yet online I can feel extremely restless and almost require some constant engagement from other people. Actually thinking about it, that's just ADHD again. Jeez, and I never got around to getting it sorted for so long..

Anyway, enough on the depressing stuff. Other things going on in life. I'm still trying to expand out my skills, mainly with programming things, but it's quite slow. Books and courses can only keep my attention for so long. But I've made a few small things that I'm proud of! Even if they're extremely basic, it's things I used to not be able to do. Along with that, I got myself a laptop for the first time in years. I was worried I wouldn't use it much because my desktop can do anything I need it to do, but I've found it to be actually quite handy.
Something related to this is, funny enough, some music I've been listening to. I rediscovered a band I first heard a few years back. If you like metal music, give Destrage a listen.
Anyway, they released a song called 'Destroy Create Transform Sublimate' back in 2014. Not just good music, but the lyrics are (from my own understanding) basically encouraging people to do things, make things, be creative just for your own sake. It doesn't need to have a reason other than for personal enjoyment, because in the end, who cares but yourself? Don't let other people discourage you from doing things, just because they or society deem it to be 'worthless'. What might be labelled 'worthless' could end up being the most precious thing you have.

That does it for today, if you read through all of my rambles then many thanks <3

Hope everyone has had a good new year and good holiday season!

Not much to update on with me, but I'm planning out some commissions that I'd love to get over the year.
In real life, I finally got and started on ADHD medication. It's definitely working, that's for sure! But it's also a lot of new feelings that I'm not used to and I need to adapt to, plus my sleep health has also got fairly poor, not sure if it's related or just coincidental timing.

In short, I'm hanging in there, and doing alright overall. Hopefully I'll be around here more in 2024 <3

So it's a bit late, but I did promise you all a deeper explaination on what's been going on with me lately! Buckle up, it's gonna be a lot of info.

Last two years have been both some of the best and also some of the toughest times for me. It seems to quite quickly rock from one extreme to the other, and I don't know whether that's just me or something everyone experiences!

Late 2021 I was getting into a new relationship, one which I'm glad to say has only bloomed further. I feel like it was thanks to his help that I was able to get through some of the more difficult times lately. He encouraged me to seek professional mental health help, things that I am still working on to this day, but surely things are moving on, and looking up.

I've been on anti-anxiety medication for over a year now, and I can definitely look back and see the difference in my overall mental state pre and post medicating. And I was also officially given a diagnosis for ADHD this autumn, something which I and my partner had suspected for a while. Still yet to start treatment, however.

I've settled into a somewhat stable job, for the moment. Only part time work, but I'm thankful for it; it's nothing groundbreaking, or well paying, but it's not something I actively dread going to like my last jobs were, that's certainly a plus. While it can get frustrating at times, it's certainly helped towards improving my overall mental state.

Onto some more personal points, now. Something I've realised is how I have to be more weary about who I hang around with. I have my partner and several of my close friends, however there have been instances of people that I thought were decent, that I thought were good, that ended up just not working. And even on top of that, I think about one person whom I had known for many years, seemingly taking advantage of me during a several month period of particularly poor mood. Someone I had trusted, who I had opened up to, talking about how I had felt down for several weeks at that point, whether not talking to people or losing interest in what I used to enjoy. And the only thing he could think to do was to push me down further, based on a disagreement we had months prior.
It was certainly a sobering experience, but eventually I knew how to move on. Tying it into past experiences, I find myself more able to distinguish between those people who genuinely care, and those who do not. It's one thing I regret not learning sooner, having been pushed away by plenty, and some that still sting to this day.

On a positive note, however, the biggest thing that's changed over the last few years is how I've come to know and understand myself. I already made a journal about my.. somewhat confusing sexuality and my thoughts about it. But further on that, feelings, thoughts, and ideas I've had in my mind about gender identity have more recently came up to the surface. Hidden away not by choice but more that I didn't understand what they were telling me, or what they meant. Now they seem much more obvious, and I can look back on thoughts I've had nearly my whole life and I can finally understand them.
In simple terms, I'm non-binary. Tada! Still difficult to tell my family about it, but I'll get around to it, I'm sure. It makes me feel much more comfortable in my own skin; I have an identity that really says 'me', now. I'm sure they will be able to see and understand this.

Well, I rambled on quite a bit. That's basically the biggest points of my recent life. I'm still kicking, that's what's important. If you've read all of this, thank you. I appreciate knowing that you can handle my blabbering! ^^

Something that I've been kinda thinking about these last few months.
No doubt in my mind that I'm gay, of course, yet I don't think that's the full picture here. When it comes to actually doing it, as in, in person, I don't feel much desire for it. Whether that's just due to social anxiety or if I actually would classify myself as asexual, I'm not sure.
I wonder this because there's definitely things that do arouse me, it's not like I'm completely averse to sex or sexual ideas. I just wonder where the cutoff would be, or if there really is a cutoff for this kind of thing.
But what is clear is that I still have a lot of self-discovery still to do. Took me years to fully accept myself as being gay, so no need to rush to anything else. :)