I love him. I told him I love him. I gave everything I had to him. Did my best to be a good mate. Wanted to make sure he was loved. Wanted to be there for him the way a good mate should be.

I was a good mate.
I got cheated on.
Then I got dumped because I got cheated on.

Yea...
Just like old times.

Stolen from  unlovedcoatwearer

LET'S GO!

ONE - Write your username without vowels: lfrc
TWO - Are you single?: Nopez!
THREE - Whats your favorite number?: 2
FOUR - What color do you wear most?: Black and Red
FIVE - Least favorite color?: Salmon?
SIX - Favorite candy?: Sky Bars. or...or 3 musketeers...or...Twiz Nibs...or Raisenettes...ionno...
SEVEN - What do you smoke?: Hookah ((occassionally))
EIGHT - Are you happy with your life right now?: I miss my bat...
NINE - Anyone ever said you resemble a celebrity?: Yes, yes they have.
TEN - What is your favorite class in school?: Dance/Math/English
ELEVEN - Do you shop at hollister/DC/Bluenotes?: Nuu...((wth is Bluenotes?))
TWELVE - How do you make money?: I don't...not yet
THIRTEEN - Who is your best friend?: MARK EDWARD HERMANN JR.!!!
FOURTEEN - Where do you go to school?: Beloit College
FIFTEEN - Are you outgoing?: Yes, yes I am.
SIXTEEN - One word to describe you?: Furry!!!
SEVENTEEN - Favorite pair of shoes?: My Vans...((all i own are Vans))
EIGHTEEN - Do you own big sunglasses?: eww...no...
NINETEEN - Where do you wish you were right now?: Wif my bat.
TWENTY - What should you be doing right now?: I has no tasks at the moment
TWENTY ONE - Do you have a crush on anyone right now?: Yesh, a huge one!

HONEST SECTION:
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?: If my Bat is ok. And why my dad keeps trying to get on my sprint picture mail. AND WHY THE HELL AM I IN SUNNYVALE!!! ...and I'm sorta hungry...
Honestly, what are you doing right now?: This meme.
Honestly, have you done something bad today?: No, I has not.
Honestly, do you watch disney channel?: Yes, yes I do's
Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?: Passy
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?: A wittle bit. But I never met them, and their gone now, so I'm pretty much over it.
Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?: Ionno...
Honestly, do you bite your nails?: Nopez
Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?: Yes...yes I do -whimpers-
Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now?: Yesh! But it's not mine!
Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like?: Hehe...no?

THE CANS:
Can you blow a bubble?: Yup
Can you dance?: Tiz my major
Can you do a cart wheel?: Yepz
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: Omg, I should try and find out
Can you whistle?: Sometimes
Can you wiggle your ears?: Nuu...
Can you wiggle your nose?: nuh-uh
Can you roll your tongue?: Yep
Can you make a clover with your tongue?: I'ma say no...

ANGER SECTION:
What do you do when you’re mad?: Nuffin
What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?: Attempted to run away?
Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: Yes

CRYING SECTION:
Ever really cried your heart out?: Yepperz
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yesh
Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder?: a little
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Umm...no
Ever cried over the same sex?: A couple times
Do you cry when you get an injury?: noperz
Do certain songs make you cry?: they make me want to cry
Do certain movies make you cry?: no

HAPPY SECTION:
Are you usually a happy person?: Absolutely
What makes you the happiest?: My bat. Chocolate. Mango Juice.
Does being with your friends make you happy?: It does
Do you believe in yourself?: Sometimes
Do you wish you were happier?: A little bit
Is being happy overrated?: No...
Can music make you happy?: Yes it can

LOVE SECTION:
How many times have you had your heart broken?: Once
Have you ever loved someone so much that you’d die for them?: Yes I have
Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said ‘I love you'?: Yea~ -swoons-

HATE SECTION:
Do you actually hate anyone?: Not right now no...well...maybe
Have you ever been on a hit list?: Probably
Are you a mean bully?: I'm not a bully
Do you hate George Bush?: I don't know him...so...no?

SELF ESTEEM SECTION:
Is your self-esteem extremely low?: Sorta
Do you think you're good looking?: Not really no...
Do you wish you could be someone else?: Nopez

LOOK AT ME:
What is your current hair color?: black
Current piercings?: None
Have any tattoos?: not yet
Straight hair or curly?: curly

CURRENTLY WEARING:
What shirt are you wearing?: A "Current" polo.
Necklace(s)?: The string from my half of the DDSF bond
Shoes?: None

HAVE YOU EVER:
Hugged someone?: Of course
Been on the phone until the sun came up?: Yesh
Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: Eww! No!
Laughed so hard you cried?: Hehe, yea
Got in a fight with someone?: Indeed

THE LAST:
Person you talked to in person?: Dad
Person you talked to online?: Caleb
Person you hugged?: My bat

RANDOM:
Do you like surveys?: Kinda, good ones at least
Do you get along with your parents?: for the most part
Do you have mental breakdowns?: I dont know...

CURRENT:
Current mood: Sorta sad
Current music: History Channel
Current hair style: Umm...short?
Current crush: Fotus the Vampire Bat -smilez-
Current thing I ought to be doing: Ionno? Job hunting?
Current windows open: IE, YIM x2
Current desktop picture: A pic I found on FA of this guy spraypainting a wall of a guy spraypainting a wall of a guy spray...and it ends up being a fox

THE DIDS:
Did you ever get into a fist fight in school?: Yep
Did you ever run away from home?: Once
Did you ever want to be a doctor?: Sometimes
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?: Sorta

THE DOS:
Do you know how to swim?: Yesh I do
Do you like roller coasters?: I do
Do you own a bike?: I think so
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: I think I could fight through it

THE DOES:
Does hair loss run in your family at all?: No
Does your car get good gas mileage?: No car
Does your family have family picnics?: Oh...no...

THE HAVES:
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yep Yepz
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Of course
Have you ever painted your nails?: Yesh

THE HOWS:
How tall are you?: 5'9" ... ok 6'1" ... i think
How much money do you have on you right now?: Uh...maybe 3 bucks in silver

THE LASTS:
Last person you hung out with?: Dad
Last thing someone said to you?: I dont remember...
Last thing you said out loud?: Ooh!

THE WHATS:
What are you listening to?: Pushing Up Daisies
What is the weather outside?: Night time
What radio station do you listen to?: 91x, 94/9, Random
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: -thinks- Denny's?
What was the last thing you had to drink?: Milk
What was the last movie you watched?: Legally Blonde 2

I bet you don't remember. But it was around this very minute/hour of this very day, one month ago, that you were getting ready to leave my house after watching Slumdog Millionaire. I hugged you then. It was a different kind of hug. A longing sort of hug, and it only broke because you said, "I don't want to, but I really have to go doll." And I blushed ever so slightly (my dark fur hides it well -smilez-) and let you be on your way. I walked you to your car and paused before closing the door, telling you to think about the question I'd asked you a few days earlier.

About 40 minutes from now, and exactly 31 days prior to that point in the future, you YIMed me and told me that you'd thought about the question the entire time we watched the movie. I thought it was because I was laying in your lap and we were watching a love story, but you brushed it off as one of the many things your mind was racing through. I let it go just so I could figure out what it all led to. In the end, you said yes. Yes to being my mate, and by consequence, yes to liking me.

It's been a few weeks (roughly 4 but time is sketchy). And we've gone through some stuff (you going M.I.A. is most of that stuff). But in the end here we are. It took me a while to be sure, and at first I was all about the hypotheticals. Slowly I graduated to the possibly's and the mights. And eventually, just took a sharpie to your chest. One of which, you completely ignored. So my second attempt came through song and writing on myself. An event that worked...right up until you decided to listen to the words of the song and be critical of my actions. (thanks for fucking that moment up by the way) So finally I just gave up and one day you were heading out to school and I just off handedly said it. Just so you'd know, but not expecting much. I don't think you even realized you did it, but you said it back to me. It to, was a bit off handed, but it was there.

So overall, this is what this was coming to:

It's been one month Fotus (hehe, i totally typed year by accident) and I've been with you for that month. I've been your mate and damned happy because of it. You do some jack ass things and sometimes I wanna light you on fire (there's a song that goes "if you love somebody better set them on fire") but in the end I come to realize that: I'm happy when I'm near you, I sleep peacefully when I hold you, and I'm utterly and completely consumed by the idea that yes, in all honesty,

I love you.

Happy one month Fotus.

I meant to talk to him.
Tell him how I felt.
Ionno, maybe try to find some way to work things out.
Maybe it was just that he didn't realize it.
Or maybe it just never really crossed his mind.
So I thought yea,
I'll just talk to him and I'm sure it'll be ok.

I ended up laying down.
And we slept the way we always do.
I held him and gripped my fist.
And we let the night pass us by.

I thought, maybe this morning.
I would get over the calm I feel when we're asleep.
And I'll just mention it.
But I forgot again.

As he was leaving I said I loved him.
For the first time
He said he loved me too.

Now I'm lost again.
I don't know what to do.
I have to go to San Jose on Wednesday
I don't know how long I'll be gone.
I really don't wanna go but I don't have any choice.
I really should talk to him about this...

Stolen from  Unlovedcoatwearer

DO IT!!!


If we had sex..."
1. Would you be in control?
2. Would you pull my hair?
3. Would you whisper in my ear?
4. Would you talk dirty to me?
5. Would you kiss me with a little tongue or a lot of tongue?
6. Would you say my name?
7. Would you go down on me?
8. Would you let me give you a hickie?
9. How many rounds would we go?
10. What would you wanna do afterwards?
11. Would you take off all your clothes then take mine off slowly?
12. Would you lick and bite me all over?
13. Would you like to play or get straight to the point?
14. Would you want me to take my time?
15. How freaky are you, 1 - 10?
16. Would you want fast or slow?
17. Where would you wanna "do it"?
18. Would you be loud or quiet?
19. Would you want me to be loud or quiet?
20. Would you mind if i liked you?
21. Do you like me?
22. Would you call me the next day?
23. Would you scratch me?
24. Would you let me scratch you?
25. Would you have to be drunk?
26. Would you date me?
27. Would you do it today?
28. Would you do it tomorrow?
29. Do you think that we would go any further then just sex?
30. Are you going to re-post these so I can answer them for you?
31. Would you make love to me or fuck me?

I'm painfully aware of the song
"You Don't Love Me" by Josie and the Pussycats

...
title comes from
"A" by Cartel.
...
"A" or "Q"
but I'm fairly certain it's "A".

...
Talks to me like he doesnt know me.
Walks through me like he doesnt see.
Makes me hurt like I tried to avoid.
I waited to tell him I loved him cause I wanted to be sure.
I waited so I wouldn't be hurt.
...
My blood coated arms keep me warm.
But the constant seeping from my wrists makes me shiver inside.

I...I dont know what to do anymore.
Everytime I think things are going well im brutally reminded of the shitty condotion that is my love life.

I dont know.

Cons making me see a lot of stuff I couldnt back home. I think Im gonna end up falling out or having awkward conversations on the ride home.

I told him I loved him. Twice now. The first time he ignored it, the second, he just chuckled. No affection, no attention. I've got to forcibly take kisses and drag him into hugs.

I dont know what to do...

So...I will start wif a survey stolen from  Summercat

Where are you staying?
At the hotel...I think. Servants Quarters?

Where will you be most of the time during the days?
Working! I dont know where. But there, or wif my mate, or wif Passy.

Who will you be with?
Fotus, Passy, FEL, strangers!

Do you do free art or trades?
I...can't draw to save my life...But if you count dance as art, I'll gladly do that.

Do you do commissions?
Um...uh...nuu...I cant draw -cries-

Do you have prints/CDs?
Yes. Not of stuff I've made. But I printed stuff off the internet before and I own some music CDs.

What suits will you have?
A random butler-esque one. Not fur, just...I WANT A FURSUIT!

What is your gender?
Boy!

How old are you?
19

How tall are you?
6'1

Can I touch you?
Uh...sure?

Can I talk to you?
Please? I swo lwonewee...

Can I buy you lots of drinks?
Yes. I try not to drink soda. but if you get mango juice, I'd love that idea

Can I give you lots of money?
...yes...yes you can.

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
-nods- But don't get too frisky. Fotus will beat you up.

Are you nice?
EXTREMELY!

And thats it for that.
Uh...
I'll be heading up with Fotus on Friday and from then on...its party!! er..work...
Same thing!
-positive attitude-

Stolen from  Unlovedcoatwearer

Level 1
(X) Smoked A Cigarette (like 5 min ago)
( ) Smoked A Cigar
(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(X) Are / Been In Love
(X) Dumped someone
(X) Been Fired
(X) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 6

Level 3
(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(X) Skipped Class
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(X) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 9

Level 4
(X) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Furaffinity Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(X) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 11

Level 5
(X) Eaten Sushi
(X) Been Snowboarding
(X) Met Someone Through Internet
(X) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 15

Level 6
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(X) Taken Pain Killers
(X) Liked/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(X) Made A Snow Angel
SO FAR: 19

Level 7
(X) Had A Tea Party
(X) Flown A Kite
(X) Built A Sand Castle
( ) Gone mudding
(X) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 23

Level 8
(X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
( ) Gone Sledding
(X) Cheated While Playing A Game
(X) Been Lonely
(X) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO far: 27

Level 10
(X) Watched The Sun Set
(X) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 29

Level 11
(X) Been Tickled
(X) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Been cheated on
(X) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 32

Level 12
(X) Won A Contest
(X) Been Suspended From School
(X) Had Detention
(X) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 36

Level 13
( ) Had / Have Braces
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Danced in the moonlight
SO FAR : 38

Level 14
(X) Hated The Way You Look
(X) Witnessed A Crime
(X) Pole Danced
(X) Questioned Your Heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 42

Level 15
(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(X) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(X) Swam In The Ocean
(X) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 46

Level 16
(X) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(X) Played Cops And Robbers
(X) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 51

Level 17
(X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(X) Made Prank Phone Calls
(X) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
( ) Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 54

Level 18
(X) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
( ) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(X) Blown Bubbles
(X) Made A Bonfire On The Beach Or Anywhere
SO FAR: 57

Level 19
(X) Crashed A Party
(X) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(X) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 60

Level 20
( ) Worn Pearls
(X) Jumped Off A Bridge
(X) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
( ) Swam With Dolphins
SO FAR: 62

Level 21
( ) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cubes
(X) Kicked A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top and watched the stars
SO FAR: 65

Level 22
(X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(X) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(X) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 69

Level 23
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
(X) Had/Been In A Tree House
(X) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 72

Level 24
(X) Believed In Ghosts
(X) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
(X) Visited Jail
SO FAR: 75

Level 25
(X) Played Chinese Chicken
(X) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(X) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(X) Broken A Bone
(X) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 80

Level 26
(X) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
(X) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
(X) Caught A Butterfly
(X) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(X) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 85

Level 27
( ) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You (like 10 min ago. x3)
(X) Cheated On A Test
(X) Forgotten Someone's Name
(X) French Braided Someones Hair
(X) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
SO FAR: 90

Level 28
(X) Rode A Roller Coaster
( ) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(X) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
( ) Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 92

Level 29
(X) Been Used
(X) Fell Going Up The Stairs
(X) Licked A Cat
(X) Bitten Someone
(X) Licked Someone
SO FAR: 97

Level 30
(X) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain
( ) Flattened someones tires
(X) Rode in a car/truck until the gas light came on
(X) Got five dollars or less worth of gas
TOTAL: 100

Repost this with the title:
I've Done __ of the 120 stupidest things. (with your total in that blank spot

It hurts.
Like a small demon was born in my chest and is too young to feed itself.
So it feeds on my heart.
Knowing it was placed beside the organ so it could nourish itself.
It has no parent, no caretaker.
It's alone now and all it has is the meal provided for its birth.

I love him.
I know for a fact now, I love him.
I can feel the timer counting the seconds till he's gone.
And I try to cherish what I've got but it's not enough.
It's not enough to sustain me when the clock hits zero.

I feel the concavity of my chest.
Sinking in on itself as the heart that pushed it out is consumed.
I feel the trickles of blood running down my sternum and dripping off my ribs.
I feel the demons claws fumbling to break off small enough pieces to chew.

It hurts to know he loved.
It hurts to know how intensely he loved.
It hurts to know that they had epics written about them.
Both during and after.
And I don't even have a sentence to claim as my own.

I feel it breathe.
The little demon inside me.
I worry that my shattered and decayed heart won't be enough for him.
I fear he'll die in my chest and fade away before he is grown enough to leave.
I try to comfort him with tears, but they only run down my cheeks.
Never permeating the skin to wrap him in their salty warmth.

I thought maybe I could do it.
Maybe I could make him fall in love with me.
Maybe I could get past my own faults,
and he'd get past my insecurities.
I thought if I gave it everything I was I'd be enough.
Maybe not everything he's wanted,
but enough to sustain.

Little demon can you hear me?
Do my words bring you comfort as you hide alone?
Does the beating of my heart hold you when you sleep?
Or are you shivering and cold like the shell you inhabit?
Are you yearning for someone to wrap around you like I?
If I could...would you let me?

I don't remember the last time I cried.
And I'm not crying now.
I've tried to, I've tried to will tears to fall.
But there's nothing left.
Nothing to exert or lift off.
Nothing to act as a weight that I can push off and find relief.
Nothing to make me beg...or even ask.
If I told him...just flat out I loved him...
I think he'd turn and walk away.
If I told me I loved me, I would turn and walk away.

Sometimes I feel the little demon put his hands on my ribs.
I think he sees them as bony prison bars.
He looks up through my chest at a sky that he can't touch.
He glances to the side and sees the remnants of my heart.
I think he knows it won't sustain him.
I think he tries to free himself.
I think he knows he won't escape.

Give me a moment to let it all go.
To just, open my hands and let it slide down my arms to the floor.
I can be food for my demon.
If I surrender myself, I can be enough to grant him serenity.
If I fight, I could win my serenity.
But I can't fight a war I won't win.
No matter how willing and ready I am to give myself to the cause.

I heard him once.
Sobbing as he held his knees to his chest.
My poor little demon.
Abandoned and left in an unsuitable shell like myself.
I wish we could be happy.
But somehow I know...
Neither of us will ever get there.

My timer started ticking. And after I had come to terms with its length, it was cut drastically short and now my timer is ticking...and the deadline is upon me. I don't know if it's right, or if I know for certain. But something in my can't just let it go. I want to do something. Something grander than my means allow but unfortunately, I don't have the means to allow it. So I think...I'll just have to do it by bravery alone.

I...

I love him.

Or at the very least....I think I do.

Tonight I went to a rave with Fotus. Well...okay let's start at the beginning of our night.

Fotus came to pick me up, as usual -smilez-. We went back to his place to watch a little tv and wait for his friend to be ready because we were gonna bring him along too. While we waited, Fotus decided to teach me a few free hand tricks. Some I knew already, others I picked up really fast. The one I didn't like was the butterfly(?) It was a figure eight that had its center over your head and then the circles in back and in front. It was making me angry because I understood the concept, but not the execution. After a while though I figured it out. But it hurt my head because I had to will it to do so through brain power. Which isn't exactly how its supposed to be done. However, his friend had something else to do so he didn't come and Fotus and I went to the rave on our own. We got there and I saw a bunch of my old friends from High School. Some who had graduated, some who were still trapped...er...attending the school.

The party was pretty chill. Everyone was being very mellow, just kinda hanging out and letting the night go wherever it went. Which is good because sometimes house parties are just crazy and sketchy to the max. Fotus started freehanding and everyone watched him. Obviously. He kicks rocks! ((that means he kicks ass for those who've never listened to a Cowboy Bebop soundtrack that was DJd from somewhere over the red planet)) We were getting pretty into it for about an hour before the cops showed up. Some 17 year old was at the party, got drunk, tried to drive home, was pulled over, and ratted out the party. That was a fail because the first rule of a rave/house party: IT DOESN'T EXIST! So no matter what trouble you get into outside its doors, you make up a story or you refuse to answer. You never put the party in front of a firing squad. Way to fail little girl, way to fail. Oh yea, the snitch was a girl. So the party popped and we all had to leave.

We invited a few kids back to his place but they said they had to stay with their friends who drove down from up north. So me and Fotus went home just the two of us. But after a while the kids called us and said they were gonna come and we spent all of 5 minutes cleaning the house. Surprisingly, it looks way bigger when clean...and it wasn't hard to set up. Except...for random make out sessions that occured during the clean up. Hehe...I's get frisky. -blushes-

The kids came over ((none of who's names I remember)) and we raved for a little while. Cracked all the glow sticks we had just so we could have a mass amount of glow sticks. Which we did. Did a little free handing. Then tried to juggle. Tried to play catch. Ended up in a glow stick war and pegging people. It was all pretty fun. Eventually everyone mellowed out and we lit a hookah. We talked about music, and good times, and all that jazz. Makin O-rings with smoke. Fotus tried to make a smoke shadow once but I didn't know that's what he was doing and I crushed it. I just wanted to clap in the smoke. I went schitzo on a bag of marshmellows and then inhaled a bag of Smarties. Both of those things are on my addict list. Along with Mango juice, chocolate milk, naps, and Sharpies. So I'm sorry -pouts-.

Then they all left and Fotus brought me home. But I left my phone on his couch. So now I have no phone. And I have to go the zoo. Cause I have an interview at 8ish. But its a job fair so there's gonna be a ton of people and they only interview until their spots are all filled up. So it's first come first serve. I was planning on taking a shower and heading over to be there at four but that seems really really early. But then again if I don't just hop in the shower and go, I'll end up falling asleep. And because I don't have my phone, I don't have an alarm. Which means I have no choice but to go. However Chester ((my laptop)) is really good at keeping me awake. So I think I'm gonna make my rounds on the net before I hop in the shower. Then make another set of rounds when I get out before I go. That way maybe I won't be ready to go till like 4ish. Then I'll be there round 5.

Things aquired during the day:
1 large red glowstick (cracked and dying at the moment)
1 beenie (-suckie suckie-)
1 Fotus t-shirt (in exchange for the one I left behind)

Things I was supposed to get today:
1 candi from Fotus (he forgot to do the ceremony)

Plans for the weekend:
Saturday-
a) Job fair at zoo
b) Meet up wif Fotus
c) Possibly hang out for a while
d) ...sleep?

Sunday-
a) Marathon rehearsal crash (old choir)
b) Sleep. For sure!

Maybe since Fotus is going to a rave tomorrow night. I can talk him into giving me his spare key and I'll just crash at his place. But that'll only happen if I'm really persuasive. Ionno...I think I just want to use his compy for WoW. Chester has trouble with it.

So I just had the most vivid dream of my boyfriend ever. ALSO! I just had the first dream of my boyfriend ever. Right? Double awesomeness. Anyways, there was nothing sexual about it unless your doing dream innuendo's in which case I have no idea but the dream wasn't inherently sexual. This is what happened.

We were at his house on the computer making a video. We were taking bits and clips of other videos and putting them together to a song that was ((apparently)) playing on my Zune IRL. ((more on that later)) The common thread in the videos we were using was that they all had a significant portion that was in chromatic techni-color. I'm not sure if that's a real term but it was used in my dream. It was where the entire scene was in chrome, the color, but it was as if the chrome was being hit by a light and reflecting off a rainbow. So highlights came out in rainbow hues and the rest looked like an animated etching on a slab of chrome.

My favorite scene was when this Eagle was running down a suburban sidewalk with the street on one side of it and a bush wall on the other. It was running cause it's wings had been clipped and it couldn't fly. It ran into the middle of a culdesack and tripped and as it crashed into the ground, it dismantled. It literally became parts. The parts kept moving forward and built theselves into a dog, a cat, a brother and a sister. They stood there for a moment, started laughing and ran back into their house as the camera panned out and the screen did that cartoony circle of black exit. It came back as a colored video that started with some girl on the handle bars of a bike as a boy was riding. I switched screens during that part.

Then there was a YIM message that came from one of his friends. But I was doing my part of the video so I responded wif some random goofy comment that I can't remember but I do remember after that it went:

Friend: Huh? Whose that?
Fotus: It's me now.
Fotus: My mates :3
Friend: Oh, cool.

I was like, "Yay! ...wait mates?" and he said, "Ionno, apparently your multiple people now." So I said, "Heh, apparently."

THEN! I saw the strangest thing. My favorite Pokemon is Gengar. I have no idea what his favorite Pokemon is which is why this all made sense. Next to the monitor was this stuffed Gengar in the arms of some Pokemon I couldn't identify. Not because I didn't know what it was, but because I couldn't focus on it. I was trying and in the dream I didn't really seem to notice that I couldn't really see it. But looking back at my dream, I distnctly remember this blurry form hugging my Gengar. And I went "Aww, it's Poke-us." And proceeded to take a picture with my phone as he giggled.

Then, as I usually do, ,I jumped out of my chair into his bed and rolled around a bit. I stopped rolling and opened my eyes to look up at him and, I kid you not, I literally watched as my room built itself in his room. I sat up and looked around and found out I was now awake and in my room. It was epic.

And sure enough, the song we were making a video for, had just started playing on my computer. It was so trippy. So, I decided to type up the whole story here in case I end up forgetting. I don't want to forget it cause I wanted to tell someone about my epic dream. And since I know only one person reads any of my journals...

Watcha think Rope?

I can't help but think out loud.
It eases my mind to not be burdened with bearing.
It eases my soul to let loose what it finds.
But I wonder if wondering worries the woe
Or if Woe is grown enough to stand on its own.
I'm frightened of losing but terrified of the fight.
Absoultely dreading the moment I win
And in utter incomprehensable terror of the prize.
So what now?
Here I go, as I did before.
Head up, eyes forward, shoulders back.
Walk straight and true.
Let the arrows fly and hope that none of them pierce vital zones.
Just keep moving forward and hope.
But I can feel it welling up
Feel it calling, begging, threatening.
I want to be eaten alive.
I'm pretty sure he'd say, "We just go vored?!"
But this isn't like a giant sandworm that splits in the middle
This is something like
If he were my black hole dino.
And I wrapped my arms around him.
Just to be torn in a million different directions.
A singularity to a multitude of points.
How I'd be consumed.
I suppose, once all the glitz and glitter is brushed away
Once we're alone and the night is yawning
Once we're just beside each other
Once there's nothing left but us
I think I **** my boyfriend.

...

I wonder if wanting worries the woe
or if Woe is grown enough to stand on its own.
And if it is than wondering what I want has no effect
and it will do as it pleases regardless
So if Woe can stand without want
And want has no feelings for what I wonder
Then...
Then...
then clearly I've stopped making sense.

...

Yea...
I think I've gotten to that point somehow.

So I spent all this time planning a first kiss. Something epic and rememberful. Even if that's not actually a word. The point is, I had a list of songs to try. A few scenarios to work with. Random ramblings that ran through my head to make the moment just right.

None of the list of things I had as ideas was a part of what happened. Everything that happened just...happened.

Track 13, or 17 or 12. One of those...Jason Mraz. A car. A hug. Or at least what was supposed to be a hug. But when I leaned forward to embrace I couldn't stop myself. I tilted just a bit to the side, moved a bit upward and there we were. As a randomly epic song played, we kissed. And it all seemed...perfect. Like, that's how it was supposed to happen. That's how it was meant to happen. OR at the very least. That's how it happened.

ANd it was epic. And rememberful. I had no part in any of the planning at all but still...it was...amazing. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe these sort of things aren't built on plans and scenarios and working actions. Maybe...maybe you just go with it. You feel it out and when you think there's an opening, you fire your torpedos and get the hell out of there before the ship blows. Maybe, I gotta just do what I do with the rest of life.

I think...this is like Spikes philosophy. I'm just water. And I can crash and roar and pound all I want. But the river is already carved. All I can do is flow. So I'll flow. ANd whever I end up, is where I'm meant to be.

It came to me like music
Drifting on a breeze from the past
A song that stopped me in my tracks
I inhaled and tasted fields of nothing
Grass and weeds and flora
Standing on concrete I saw mountains
A melody like magic overtaking my mind
Her cello wafted through my mental frame
And for a moment I was home
For a moment I could feel the instrument in my hands
The violins strings calling for attention
I remembered it all so vividly
And now
I can't recall the color of the sky

1) Who are you?
2) Are we friends?
3) When and how did we meet?
4) Would you kiss me?
5) Give me a nickname and explain why.
6) Describe me in 1 word.
7) What was your first impression of me?
8) Do you still think the same?
9) What reminds you of me?
10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?
11) How well do you know me?
12) Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you?
13) Would you meet up with me?

So...last night I went Kareoke-ing at like midnight.
Wif ((cast list time!))

FOTUS!!!
ROPE!!!
and...
DAIRRICK!!!

It was almost an entire furry party
but one of those 3 is not furry
I'll leave it up to you to decide who that was.

Anyways, it was pretty good times. Dairrick now approves of Fotus after much arguing on my part. Fotus has finally met Rope. and Rope is awesome sauce. That's...that's really all there is to Rope. Awesome.

P.S. about 3 seconds ago, I ran into a doorbell. Don't ask me how. It just happened.

So I was about to go to sleep but I checked my phone for messages and I got one. Which reminded me I was supposed to write a journal. Cause I'm supposed to be writing journals. So...I know I said I would start writing that story about the librarian, and I will! But I was reminded that I promised to write a story called "Then Came the Night." So...I think I'll have updates twice a week. Like, once for one story, once for the other. And they'll be fairly large updates. LIke...a whole chapter or something. As in, 3 or 4 pages, minimum, single spaced, 12pt font. Ionno. I'll try my best.

I'M GOING KAREOKE-ING TOMORROW!!!
err...today

I totally haven't been writing journals. All day everyday I think about what stuff to put into my journals but I just realized, I haven't actually been writing any. How strange is that? Anyways, I'm writing one now. It's not gonna be a god one. Probably done in bullet points, just to get up to speed.

1) Locked myself out of my house Saturday night->Sunday morning
a) Hung out with Rope
b) Ate at Denny's
2) Fotus came over Sunday night.
a) Watched the last half of "Big Trouble in Little China"
b) Watched 2 episodes of "Totally Outrageous Behavior"
c) Watched "Slumdog Millionaire"
d) Got pizza
e) Became Fotus' mate -blushes-
3) Finshed Sailor Moon on Monday
a) Need to watch the "Special Acts"
b) I think that's it
4) Loves you all
a) I think you all only applies to Rope since no one else reads these
b) -hugz Rope-

There, I think we're all caught up now.

Woke up at 7. ...grr... Learned how to make coffee in a new coffe pot. Note: Plug it in. Made coffee for Fotus. Watched the news. Against my will. Went home. Made breakfast for Fotus. Waffles and Lucky Charms. Went to the theater for the double show...got there early.

Went into the city for new plugs. Fotus got red fangs. They look pretty good. I like the color. Then we went to Sam Goody's. Apparently at one point Fotus licked Jack Sparrow...strange. Sanrio next. You know the Sanrio love. Kuromi plush oh love! -blushes-

Then the epic walk back to the theater and what was a pretty good moment in the parking lot until a certain someone popped up out of nowhere and messed it up. -sighs-

Double show! The break between the show me and Minako went to Sanrio again cause she wanted to see the sale. I found this awesome thingamajig that i was thinking of getting as a ... ((SPOILERS)) ...

Then we had closing night. The last show. It was pretty epic. Yay for awesomeness.

Okay, so sorry I wasn't here to do the postings and stuffage. I left on Friday and got home this morning. It was pretty epic. But don't worry. I have these "Rewind" journals so you can keep up.

Friday was opening night for the Dance Concert. That went pretty well. Fotus came to see me. Even dressed up and everything. That was awesome sauce. We sat together since I'm only in the opening and the closing. That was pretty awesome sauce. Afterwards we went to his place.

It was kind of funny because normally he waits for me by his car but this time he waited in front of the theater with all the people and people I knew in the cast kept running to the dressing room to tell me he was there. I knew he was there. But they all seemed very excited about it. Was kinda cool.

Finally finished watching Dark City. That movie was weird. Good, but weird. I think it could've ended a bit better but it was still a good movie. Then we watched something...and then Superjail! After that was bedtime. I slept on the couch...again...

Anyways, that was Friday. And like...an hour of Saturday.

So today is the start of "City Moves." The Dance Concert at my college. I'm pretty excited. I got to watch it last night since I'm just in the opening and the closing and it looked pretty awesome sauce. I haven't actually watched "Swing!" yet...but I have the DVD so I might do that sometime.

In other news, I think I've missed 3 weeks of my Writing class now. As far as attendance goes that's sorta bad. But It's alright cause I've been turning in all the work online like we're supposed to. I hope that's enough. Since I don't have any more rehearsals after Saturday I'll get to sleep before 5am and I'll be able to wake up for class. I'm sure everything will be alright.

Thanks again Passy for helping me with editing my story. I didn't get to go to class for those 2 weeks and do the Peer Review stuff. We did cut it a little close but we got it done so that's all that really matters.

Anyways, wish me luck tonight. Or tomorrow. Or in general. I tend to need a lot of luck just in general. What else...

Oh! My parents went on a vacation to Las Vegas this weekened. So I'm home all by myself. -sad- I fear my powerful need to eat will go unsated. Hehe, just kidding. I can cook. And if I'm lazy there's top ramen. Yay for noodles! I just don't think we have any rice. That might be a problem for me...

Later Days~

P.S. I'm trying to think of a better siggy then 'Later Days~" any ideas?

Today wasn't anything new. Slept in late, watched some t.v. Oh I'm pissed! The last dvd of the live action Sailor Moon won't play. I can't watch the last 10 episodes because the dvd is stupid. Damn you...DAMN YOU!!!

Anyways. Had light rehearsal for 'Fairtales from the Fringe." yes I know, if you've been paying attention you'd know that I gave you the wrong title of the dance last time. i'm sorry. It's an easy mistake. Anyways, at one point I'm like 2 inches from a light...and they decide it's gonna come on. I almost fell into the orchestra pit. So bright...

Um...what other news is there...Ionno.
OH RIGHT!
I asked this artist named Silver T to draw me so I didn't have to keep using the stupid cup of pencils and so that I'd finally have a picture of myself and she said yes. YAY!!! I hope it turns out good. I saw her other pictures and they all looked pretty awesome. So I'm confident that my first pic will be good too. And then I'll have a reference pic for others to draw me from. I's excited. -dances-

EDIT

So...I realized I posted this and had no reference to the title.

Sunday, still in tact. but we're going to my dance concert and to see a movie on friday. That was all. Laterz

I totally forgot to write a journal entry last night. But there wasn't really anything to write about. I did manage to turn my short story in 3 minutes before it was due so that was a pretty exciting time. It's called "City in Transit." I put it up on here too if you care to read and leave comments so I can edit and make it better.

Uh...my dance concert is this weekend. So I'm excited about that. And my date with bat boy is this weekend too. -squees- What else...Ionno. He surfs on saturday mornings but I was gonna try to cook him dinner Friday night. Except...I won't get out of my show till like 10 and they'll probably wanna go eat ot something. I don't know -sad-

The important thing is that I don't spend the money I'm using for Sunday. I've decided to leave it with B-Squirrel. That littled Badger plushie is very good at keeping things safe. He has big teeth.

So...right. I think we've decided to write...oh note: "We" usually refers to just "Me." So right, we decided to write "Dog Eared." Hopefully Rope will do the artwork for it since the story is inspired by a sketch of his I saw in his notebook. Yes Rope, I've named your fox eared Librarian Sarah Silvertail.