I should learn to never make plans. It just gets my hopes up for nothing.

So, I'm supposed to be visiting friends later today. Finally got a hold of them to ask when, and now at the last minute they want to change the visit to Sunday. Not too bad, I suppose, but when I haven't been able to see my friends since the end of September, it just makes me that much more antsy to be able to get out and about.

On the bright side, my plans for Saturday seem to be holding, so at least I get to do that. Then Sunday instead of today, so my weekend will be pretty darned good if all works out well.

All I have to do now is avoid going to the casino for a few days, and this month won;t end up like the last couple. Wish me luck.

So it seems Youtube's policy regarding fair use claims is to ask the publisher if they'd kindly release their block on certain content, in this case music, and when told no, instead of doing something intelligent like investigating, they bow down and say, "Oh. Of course. We'll go smack the person with threats and tell them to go screw off even though the law is on their side."...

Hello all. It's been a pretty good month, overall, from where it started. I'm heading out later today to visit a friend for a couple hours.

I didn't lose my place to live, like I'd worried I would at the beginning of the month. I just have to not be stupid and I'll avoid the situation entirely from now on.

Somehow I've become addicted to the youtube video "What Does The Fox Say?" by Ylvis. This may or may not be a good thing.

Had a blast at RF, like I mentioned before. Met lots of people. Unfortunately, I'm not getting my staff comp for next year because I missed the deadline to turn in my work sheet. Oh well. I think I'd rather help out by paying than get it free. RF is that good.

Lost my rent money and now I'm probably going to be homeless. Yay me.

Hello all. Had a great RF2013. Worked my butt off in Reg. Got 22-24 hours in, most on Thursday and Friday. Always a good job, as you get to meet so many people, even if only briefly, that you might not meet any other way.

Rekindled old friendships, met people I hadn't seen since last RF, and made new friends from all over the country. Had some issues, but then, with a furry con, drama is a given at some point.

Missed Furry Karaoke, which I'd hoped to attend, but I did get to the Whose Lion Is It, Anyway? panel, which was an absolute pleasure.

While I was sad to leave, and will have post-con depression for a few days, I am glad to be home, with my internet back and a TV I can actually watch without roommates i the hotel room bitching about my choice of programs that I watch.

That's about it. I spent so much time in Reg on Thurs and Fri that I didn't get over to the convention center much. But that's fine. Always next year.

So I'm supposed to keep journals. Record my thoughts for posterity. Huh. Not sure I have anything worth putting down.

I moved recently. Still getting used to the new arrangement, waiting on a new bed before I can actually get into my room proper.

Working on my self-esteem issues. Having been a larger person most of my life, that makes it very difficult, but I'm working on it.

I suppose my biggest fear right now is that, alone at 36, I'll be alone all my life. Pretty decent shot at it, anyway. I just thought, years ago, that my life would be so much different from how it turned out.

I thought I'd be with a partner or married, nice small house, decent job, at least a little bit financially secure. None of those. Well, small house, but I don't own it.

I've attempted suicide four times in my life because of weight issues and other things. I'm still here. I suppose it makes an argument that someone still needs/wants me around, though I'll be damned if I can name more than a handful or two of people.

I dunno. An old saying goes that it's darkest before the dawn. Well, dawn better arrive soon, because it's been pitch black for a while.

But enough of my ramblings for now. Must watch Doctor Who on In Demand.

Something I picked up from Facebook. Using one musical artist, the point was to answer each question with a song title by that artist. I used Garth Brooks. For those who dislike country, sorry...

Pick your Artist- Garth Brooks

Are you a male or female:- The Old Man's Back In Town

Describe yourself:- Friends In Low Places

How do you feel:- Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old)

Describe where you currently live:- Nobody Gets Off In This Town

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?- Ireland

Your favorite form of transportation:- New Way To Fly

Your best friend?- Beer Run

You and your best friends are:- Tearin' It Up (And Burnin' It Down)

What's the weather like:- Cold Shoulder

Favorite time of day:- Midnight Sun

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:- Victim Of The Game

What is life to you:- Do What You Gotta Do

Your relationship:- Shameless

Your fear:- Burning Bridges

What is the best advice you have to give:- You Can't Help Who You Love

Thought for the Day:- We Shall Be Free

How I would like to die:- There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays

My soul's present condition:- Kickin' And Screamin'

My motto:- Whatcha Gonna Do With A Cowboy?

I sit here at night, alone and afraid
Wishing I had someone to hold
But as my mind considers the pathways I've taken
All I can feel is the cold.

I never thought by this time in my life
I'd still be by myself
Depression and blackness all around me
My heart collecting dust on a shelf.

So many things I'd change about me
If my life had the chance to reset
So many areas I could make better
If I could just fix all my regrets.

But as we all know life won't work that way
So all I can do is move on
And hope things change as I proceed
Moving towards a brand new dawn.

God has His plans and laughs at ours
So I might just be one cosmic joke
But I keep plowing on, looking ahead
And keep clinging to hope.

Late at night, I often wonder
If I'm doing right in life
Dealing with the issues
The pain and all the strife

Quiet nights are the worst for me
When my mind is allowed to roam
All my mistakes coming back to haunt me
Just not leaving me alone

Unable to visit friends often
I end up a sheltered recluse
Trying to break out of my shell
But at this rate, what's the use?

There's good things too, I won't lie
There's furries and friends I know and love
And I thank the heavens for them
Filling me with peace like a dove

It's an interesting picture that my life paints
Such extremes of bad and good
Never sure if I'm doing what I want
Or doing what I should

It would be so much easier
If I knew where I stood and who I could trust
Who my friends and allies were
And who to avoid and leave in the dust

Never works out that way, as most people know
But still I stumble on through
Weight issues, image issues, and everything else
Trying not to be blue

When I first "came out" as a furry, about June of 2010, I was told of this convention called Rainfurrest that was such an awesome thing that it just couldn't be missed. So I attended, and I had an absolute blast. I wanted to help more, so this year I volunteered for staff in Registration.

The experience this year was markedly different. Not worse, just different. Though I will admit that most issues that came up were handled quickly and efficiently. A couple snafus with the credit card I was using and the location of my room were solved within 10 minutes and 1 hour respectively.

My only real regret of the convention in 2011 was that I didn't get to socialize nearly as much as I'd have liked to. I spent most of the con either in my room sleeping, in Registration, in con Ops overnight, or in transit between those three locations.

I did get to the Convention Center a couple of times. I had a blast with the three panels I went to, one attending and two hosting. Mental note for next year: Don't leave your plans and notes for your panel sitting by the front door of your home waiting for you to pick them up. But I think my Anthropomorphic Creatures In Doctor Who panel went okay. Next year it'll even fit in with the theme.

As far as working on staff, it went really well. Cerb was my direct supervisor, and he really had his stuff together, or at least seemed to. Even with the Thursday issues with Registration, he kept his cool and worked through it. He'll be excellent as Ops Lead next year.

Sevet as Ops Lead was fun. I believe I'm required by law to razz and harass him most times I see him, though only out of respect and friendship. A little eccentric (but then who isn't?), Sevet got the job done and did it well.

I love being able to match faces with names, and it seemed everywhere I went, I was meeting someone I knew previously only online. Bijoux, Saph, Rastlin, Icey...the list goes on and on.

I even got to get to the dance on Saturday night thanks to the Hilton being willing to let me use a wheelchair. Now, I'm a fat bastard. I know this. I can't walk long distances without extreme pain in my back and shortness of breath. But thanks to furs like LexCoyote and AlleyGator, I made it out and even got to dance for a short while.

Sunday is what I could have done without. I don't know if it was PCD setting in or what, but I was having serious issues Sunday that made me need to leave right after Closing Ceremonies. If anyone really wants to know the details, I'll share in private.

Other than that, I kinda regret not getting to see Dealer's Den or Art Show...and that the Thursday night poker panel never got off the ground...but on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most super bestest convention in the whole entire world, I'd have to rate Rainfurrest 2011 about a 9.

Every convention will have glitches in it. The true test is how those glitches are dealt with and how well (if at all possible) they're kept under wraps. We did damn good this year, and everyone on staff should give themselves a pat on the back or a round of applause for their hard work. Obviously I can't name them all here, or this would go on forever (if it already hasn't), but those I haven't named, know that you're just as appreciated.