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OMG SO BUSYYYYYY! X_X
General | Posted 13 years agoHoly tits, I'm fucking exhausted, it's been a crazy past few days. Good stuff, but still super crazy.
I'm gonna, like, go pass th' fuck out right now ... but just wanted you peeps to know that I'm not dead. XD Better journal tomorrow, prawmiz.
Oh, and Pook sucks 'bout updating his FA, so I'mma spill the beans for him. He rocked his interview and got hired, too. His first day of training and mine were both on this last Friday. So yay and junk!
Okies. Passing out now. Zzzzzzz...
I'm gonna, like, go pass th' fuck out right now ... but just wanted you peeps to know that I'm not dead. XD Better journal tomorrow, prawmiz.
Oh, and Pook sucks 'bout updating his FA, so I'mma spill the beans for him. He rocked his interview and got hired, too. His first day of training and mine were both on this last Friday. So yay and junk!
Okies. Passing out now. Zzzzzzz...
Just Got Home From My Interview...
General | Posted 13 years ago.....And I start training this Friday at 1pm. =3 Tomorrow, 
pookin has -his- interview at 1pm, so here's hoping his goes as well as mine (which I'm fairly sure it will).
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go run around all over the place, screaming, while my cats looks at me like I'm psycho, LOL.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
pookin has -his- interview at 1pm, so here's hoping his goes as well as mine (which I'm fairly sure it will).Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go run around all over the place, screaming, while my cats looks at me like I'm psycho, LOL.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel
General | Posted 13 years agoAn end to the suffering may -finally- be neigh, you guys ... me and Pookin got called for interviews with one of the jobs we both applied for, and if all goes well, financial freedom will be -ours- again. No more helplessness, no more watching my life go by, no more being a burden ... but FREE.
I need lots and lots of hopes, prayers, and positive energy that everything pans out, you guys, so whatever your faith or creed, just send out some good mojo in me and Pook's direction.
My interviews on Wednesday at 3pm and Pookin's is on Thursday at 1pm. Here's to hoping, guys. This may finally be it.
I need lots and lots of hopes, prayers, and positive energy that everything pans out, you guys, so whatever your faith or creed, just send out some good mojo in me and Pook's direction.
My interviews on Wednesday at 3pm and Pookin's is on Thursday at 1pm. Here's to hoping, guys. This may finally be it.
TAKING COMMISSIONS AGAIN!
General | Posted 13 years agoOkay, the announcement is FINALLY here! After sitting down a while and really planning it all out, I now have the totally of my "catalog" fleshed out, so you can know what you can hire me for:
::DERP ICONS::
Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7941350/
Price: $5
What You Get: A transparent profile-sized PNG version and a transparent icon-sized GIF version.
::DERP MINI-BADGES::
Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7959047/
Price: $10
What You Get: A JPEG badge version, a transparent profile-sized PNG version, and a transparent icon-sized GIF version.
::HEADSHOT SKETCHES::
Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8115889/
Price: $5
What You Get: A JPEG of your pencil sketch. For an extra $5, can be colored in Prismacolor pencils (example of that coming soon).
::FULL-BODY SKETCHES::
Example: (Coming soon!)
Price: $10 (+ an extra $5 per each additional character)
What You Get: A JPEG of your pencil sketch. For an extra $5, can be colored in Prismacolor pencils (example of that coming soon).
Another style of icons is also coming soon (animated this time!), and whenever I have some completed, I'll be putting up one-of-a-kind adoptable characters for sale. I'm sure new stuff'll get added over time, but for now, this is gonna be the core of what I offer and do.
And while I'd -much- rather you actually hire me to draw you something, if you wanna toss a tip my way just 'cuz you feel like it, my PayPal is:
synwolf85[at]gmail.com
And regardless of whether or not you buy anything or donate ...
::DERP ICONS::
Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7941350/
Price: $5
What You Get: A transparent profile-sized PNG version and a transparent icon-sized GIF version.
::DERP MINI-BADGES::
Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7959047/
Price: $10
What You Get: A JPEG badge version, a transparent profile-sized PNG version, and a transparent icon-sized GIF version.
::HEADSHOT SKETCHES::
Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8115889/
Price: $5
What You Get: A JPEG of your pencil sketch. For an extra $5, can be colored in Prismacolor pencils (example of that coming soon).
::FULL-BODY SKETCHES::
Example: (Coming soon!)
Price: $10 (+ an extra $5 per each additional character)
What You Get: A JPEG of your pencil sketch. For an extra $5, can be colored in Prismacolor pencils (example of that coming soon).
Another style of icons is also coming soon (animated this time!), and whenever I have some completed, I'll be putting up one-of-a-kind adoptable characters for sale. I'm sure new stuff'll get added over time, but for now, this is gonna be the core of what I offer and do.
And while I'd -much- rather you actually hire me to draw you something, if you wanna toss a tip my way just 'cuz you feel like it, my PayPal is:
synwolf85[at]gmail.com
And regardless of whether or not you buy anything or donate ...
Considering Putting Some Adoptables Up For Sale Soon
General | Posted 13 years agoAs I'm still pretty hard up for cash, I'm in the process of coming up with some character concepts for guys and gals to put up for sale.
Now, I know how a lotta folks feel about adoptables, and lemme tell you, I'm totally with you. So here's some factoids on how these'll be done:
- Each adoptable that goes up will be wholly and entirely unique. No "palette swap" or "hue adjustment" types of characters. No two are going to be anywhere NEAR alike.
- You aren't merely purchasing the submission featuring the character for sale. You're also purchasing a full-completed ref sheet all set and ready to go, that WON'T be uploaded--only the new adoptive owner will receive it and be able to upload the sheet in their gallery (with a link back to me, obviously).
- Said ref sheet will also be slightly customizable, for an small additional cost (such as wanting to add specific tattoos, markings, scars, piercings, etc; no full palette swaps or major changes to the finished line art).
So yeah, that's the direction I'm headed in with this right now. So if either you, yourself, are into adoptables or you know people who buy 'em, by all means, PLEASE send them my way. XD
Good stuff's comin', guys, so stay tuned. I'm not -all- rainclouds and sulking, LOL.
Now, I know how a lotta folks feel about adoptables, and lemme tell you, I'm totally with you. So here's some factoids on how these'll be done:
- Each adoptable that goes up will be wholly and entirely unique. No "palette swap" or "hue adjustment" types of characters. No two are going to be anywhere NEAR alike.
- You aren't merely purchasing the submission featuring the character for sale. You're also purchasing a full-completed ref sheet all set and ready to go, that WON'T be uploaded--only the new adoptive owner will receive it and be able to upload the sheet in their gallery (with a link back to me, obviously).
- Said ref sheet will also be slightly customizable, for an small additional cost (such as wanting to add specific tattoos, markings, scars, piercings, etc; no full palette swaps or major changes to the finished line art).
So yeah, that's the direction I'm headed in with this right now. So if either you, yourself, are into adoptables or you know people who buy 'em, by all means, PLEASE send them my way. XD
Good stuff's comin', guys, so stay tuned. I'm not -all- rainclouds and sulking, LOL.
You Know It's Love When...
General | Posted 13 years ago.... Two of your cats rub all over your face, covering it in cat hair, and you don't even care.
They've been extra-attentive ever since things took a bad turn on Thursday. I think they know mommy's been feeling like shit. These boys are so sweet and sensitive, and I love the shit outta them. Even if one of these sounds like a Jewish person clearing their throat 24/7 (loose palette; he "snarfles" when he breathes) and has horrible breath, LOL.
Seriously, people, love the fuck outta your animals while they're still here. You never know when they'll be gone. Tomorrow is never promised to us. Only today.
They've been extra-attentive ever since things took a bad turn on Thursday. I think they know mommy's been feeling like shit. These boys are so sweet and sensitive, and I love the shit outta them. Even if one of these sounds like a Jewish person clearing their throat 24/7 (loose palette; he "snarfles" when he breathes) and has horrible breath, LOL.
Seriously, people, love the fuck outta your animals while they're still here. You never know when they'll be gone. Tomorrow is never promised to us. Only today.
I Dare ANYONE To Watch This Without Getting Emotional
General | Posted 13 years agohttp://youtu.be/5_v7QrIW0zY
This video not only made my day, but possibly my whole -week-. Seriously, this gave me all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings inside. I love sweet romantic things like this. That all the actors involved are also friends and family only makes this even -more- special.
This is gonna be one of those special somethings that creates a memory for each and every one of those people that lasts a lifetime.
This video not only made my day, but possibly my whole -week-. Seriously, this gave me all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings inside. I love sweet romantic things like this. That all the actors involved are also friends and family only makes this even -more- special.
This is gonna be one of those special somethings that creates a memory for each and every one of those people that lasts a lifetime.
Just When I Thought We Were Done With Drama...
General | Posted 13 years ago...More fun happened at around 1:15am this morning.
I -really- wish I was making this up, and I'm pretty fucking embarrassed to talk about something like this, but ... here goes.
For those who don't know, I have a HORRIFIC phobia of roaches. If one even so much as -touches- me, or I even -think- one is going to touch me, I jump into a blind panic. You'd think I were being chased by a rabid tiger or something, with the way it looks and sounds. It isn't dignified. >_< Even less so when a roach comes at you while you're on the toilet ... and you shriek at the top of your lungs and come flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell ... and you forget your pants are still around your ankles.
My left hip took -all- the impact against hard tile floor and as I'm not a very -lightweight- person, well ... I was stuck on the floor right where I was. Couldn't move that leg in any way, shape, or form without something feeling ... wrong. Like trying to crack a knuckle that won't 'pop'. Or like a joint being strained to it's maximum rotation. Just from the slightest movements. Convinced I'd dislocated it, my mom called the paramedics to come get me. Thankfully, the hospital is VERY close to my house, as they were at our house in under 5 minutes, and got me to the emergency room in less than 3. Was my first time riding in the back of an emergency response vehicle, too. o_O
To make a long story shorter, when the results for my x-ray finally came back and they checked some things, turns out that there was no break and no dislocation. What -had- happened is that at the moment of impact the joint shifted slightly out of alignment; enough for an air pocket to form in the socket. Because sure enough, when my leg was moved up ... the socket 'popped' exactly the same as a cracked knuckle would, or a crick in the neck. And the reason why I hadn't been able to move it was because I'd hit it so hard the band of muscle on that side of my hip literally spasmed and locked up. It was a bad hit, sure ... but no lasting damage, was the final verdict from the doctor. So less than 4 hours after arrival at the ER, I was discharged and sent home, thank goodness.
Thankfully, it was a bad scare, but no crippling injury. Once I knew nothing was out of place or broken, I began forcing myself to move and walk on it, and over the next several hours, that go progressively easier. Took a shower, went to bed ... and now today it's still pretty damn sore and the joint still occasionally 'pops' when I walk, bend over, or sit down, but I'm sure once all the air's out of the joint, that'll stop altogether. I'm just relieved it wasn't anything really serious.
Today, I'm saging -every- last square inch of this property, top to bottom. EVERY nook and cranny. Inside the house, outside the house, from the edge of the sidewalk to the back fence and everywhere in between. Between yesterday and this morning, there is some -seriously- bad energy lingering around here, I'm sure of it now. Need to clean out the negative vibes, PRONTO. >_<;;
I -really- wish I was making this up, and I'm pretty fucking embarrassed to talk about something like this, but ... here goes.
For those who don't know, I have a HORRIFIC phobia of roaches. If one even so much as -touches- me, or I even -think- one is going to touch me, I jump into a blind panic. You'd think I were being chased by a rabid tiger or something, with the way it looks and sounds. It isn't dignified. >_< Even less so when a roach comes at you while you're on the toilet ... and you shriek at the top of your lungs and come flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell ... and you forget your pants are still around your ankles.
My left hip took -all- the impact against hard tile floor and as I'm not a very -lightweight- person, well ... I was stuck on the floor right where I was. Couldn't move that leg in any way, shape, or form without something feeling ... wrong. Like trying to crack a knuckle that won't 'pop'. Or like a joint being strained to it's maximum rotation. Just from the slightest movements. Convinced I'd dislocated it, my mom called the paramedics to come get me. Thankfully, the hospital is VERY close to my house, as they were at our house in under 5 minutes, and got me to the emergency room in less than 3. Was my first time riding in the back of an emergency response vehicle, too. o_O
To make a long story shorter, when the results for my x-ray finally came back and they checked some things, turns out that there was no break and no dislocation. What -had- happened is that at the moment of impact the joint shifted slightly out of alignment; enough for an air pocket to form in the socket. Because sure enough, when my leg was moved up ... the socket 'popped' exactly the same as a cracked knuckle would, or a crick in the neck. And the reason why I hadn't been able to move it was because I'd hit it so hard the band of muscle on that side of my hip literally spasmed and locked up. It was a bad hit, sure ... but no lasting damage, was the final verdict from the doctor. So less than 4 hours after arrival at the ER, I was discharged and sent home, thank goodness.
Thankfully, it was a bad scare, but no crippling injury. Once I knew nothing was out of place or broken, I began forcing myself to move and walk on it, and over the next several hours, that go progressively easier. Took a shower, went to bed ... and now today it's still pretty damn sore and the joint still occasionally 'pops' when I walk, bend over, or sit down, but I'm sure once all the air's out of the joint, that'll stop altogether. I'm just relieved it wasn't anything really serious.
Today, I'm saging -every- last square inch of this property, top to bottom. EVERY nook and cranny. Inside the house, outside the house, from the edge of the sidewalk to the back fence and everywhere in between. Between yesterday and this morning, there is some -seriously- bad energy lingering around here, I'm sure of it now. Need to clean out the negative vibes, PRONTO. >_<;;
A Very Sad Day...
General | Posted 13 years agoI ... -really- can't get into the details right now without falling apart again, but ... one of our foster cats, Brock, suffered a fatal heart-attack today, about 3 hours ago ... we rushed him to the vet, but they couldn't save him ... he was only 4 years old, and was in peak health condition, with no known medical conditions. Not a single one of us could have -ever- expected something like this to happen. We're completely beside ourselves in grief and confusion.
I'm still utterly shocked and heart-broken, but ... I'm slowly returning back from the brink of total and complete meltdown.
If I'm not very communicative or active online today ... well ... now you know why...
I'm still utterly shocked and heart-broken, but ... I'm slowly returning back from the brink of total and complete meltdown.
If I'm not very communicative or active online today ... well ... now you know why...
I'm Realizing Something...
General | Posted 13 years agoSure, things suck right now financially ... and such, I'm not making headway quite the way I'd like in fixing that ... but y'know what...? I have some pretty damn amazing friends. And a -phenomenal- family that I love more than life, itself. And two wonderful mates who, quite frankly, are the fire in my heart that give me the strength to push -that- much harder, when I feel I have nothing more to give.
Sorry for the emotional blah-dump in last night's journal, guys. I fall down sometimes, but I always climb right back up on my feet again.
"A single battle lost, but not the war.
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain..."
-- Jo Dee Messina
Sorry for the emotional blah-dump in last night's journal, guys. I fall down sometimes, but I always climb right back up on my feet again.
"A single battle lost, but not the war.
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain..."
-- Jo Dee Messina
Tonight Is NOT A Good Night...
General | Posted 13 years agoI don't really wanna get into REALLY specific details (because no matter how angry at him I am, I respect Pookin enough to not want to slam him on here, nor air our dirty laundry in a public place), but having a -really- bad argument tonight about a lot of ... long-standing issues, to put it delicately. Critical things that not only haven't improved but have actually worsened over time. Financial things.
Feeling ... -really- whittled down and helpless tonight. Week by week, my depression's been getting steadily worse, as the financial situation becomes more and more desperate, with seemingly no relief in sight. Tonight, I feel like I've hit my breaking point. Normally I can just stuff it, put on a brave face, and act like everything's dandy. But tonight ... I'm really sorry to put up a vent journal, you guys, but ... I can't keep swallowing it down anymore. I'm fucking -terrified- about the situation that I'm in. -Have- been in, for over a year. And it keeps getting scarier and scarier, as time wears on.
I'm ashamed to say it, but I will. The one and only reason why I'm not out on the streets squatting under an overpass right now, is because I have a -far- better family than someone like me deserves. They struggle quite a bit, themselves (my mom is also unemployed with sporadic side income and my stepdad loses a large portion of what he makes due to child support for his kips from another marriage), yet they always do their best to help by at least keeping a roof over our heads, making sure I have a working phone, and food to eat. They're ... amazing people. And it disgusts me so -damned- much that I'm such a damned burden. That I'm so ... utterly and helplessly useless. I try not to let that self-loathing and depression cripple me ... I try to keep my head up, stick to the family motto ("never give up"), and keep trying to find my way back to an independent life, so that I gave give rather than take ... but it gets so hard to maintain that positive outlook when not a single doorknob you touch leads to an open door.
I'm never going to stop trying. Ever. Til my last dying breath, even if all I ever do in life is fail, I want the -one- thing that nobody can EVER say about me was that I was a quitter. No matter how broken down I am, life can't take that away from me. It will -never- rob me of my will to find a way out of the dark.
But tonight ... tonight I just can't be strong anymore. I'm just so, so, SO tired of everything in my life feeling like it's stuck on hold, because the only things I ever have money for anymore is food and gas. I feel like I'm just ... existing. Not living. I'm twenty-fucking-six years old ... I'll be 27 this year ... I'm living what're supposed to be the "best years of my life" as nothing but dead weight. With all my goals, aspirations, and dreams falling by the wayside, out of my reach. Even the -simplest- of pleasures. Can't even remember the last time I had the spare change to just by a 6-pack of Magic cards. Everything I get goes -straight- to groceries and gas, and there's never anything left. Anything and everything that I -do- still have as a luxury item? It's not because of me. No, it's the kindness of someone else, just keeping me afloat, out of the goodness of their heart. My stepdad's the one who covers our phone plan and internet. When my mom has the cash to spare, she gifts me a little extra to unfreeze my WoW account for that month. And my grandparents give me $5 a week so that I can at least still stay on top of my DDR workout at the arcade, because they don't want me staying stuck at the house all the time. Am I grateful? More than they'll prolly EVER know. But it's -not- a good feeling to be carried, when -all- you want more than anything is to stand on your own two feet. And even be able to carry -them- awhile, for a change. It hurts me so -damn- much that I can't repay a -single- ounce of that kindness.
I'm so emotionally exhausted. So spent. So -completely- dried up inside, that it's difficult to even cry. So damned tired of being useless, and feeling like I'm in this struggle alone. I just .... -really- don't know what to do, guys...
I really don't.
Feeling ... -really- whittled down and helpless tonight. Week by week, my depression's been getting steadily worse, as the financial situation becomes more and more desperate, with seemingly no relief in sight. Tonight, I feel like I've hit my breaking point. Normally I can just stuff it, put on a brave face, and act like everything's dandy. But tonight ... I'm really sorry to put up a vent journal, you guys, but ... I can't keep swallowing it down anymore. I'm fucking -terrified- about the situation that I'm in. -Have- been in, for over a year. And it keeps getting scarier and scarier, as time wears on.
I'm ashamed to say it, but I will. The one and only reason why I'm not out on the streets squatting under an overpass right now, is because I have a -far- better family than someone like me deserves. They struggle quite a bit, themselves (my mom is also unemployed with sporadic side income and my stepdad loses a large portion of what he makes due to child support for his kips from another marriage), yet they always do their best to help by at least keeping a roof over our heads, making sure I have a working phone, and food to eat. They're ... amazing people. And it disgusts me so -damned- much that I'm such a damned burden. That I'm so ... utterly and helplessly useless. I try not to let that self-loathing and depression cripple me ... I try to keep my head up, stick to the family motto ("never give up"), and keep trying to find my way back to an independent life, so that I gave give rather than take ... but it gets so hard to maintain that positive outlook when not a single doorknob you touch leads to an open door.
I'm never going to stop trying. Ever. Til my last dying breath, even if all I ever do in life is fail, I want the -one- thing that nobody can EVER say about me was that I was a quitter. No matter how broken down I am, life can't take that away from me. It will -never- rob me of my will to find a way out of the dark.
But tonight ... tonight I just can't be strong anymore. I'm just so, so, SO tired of everything in my life feeling like it's stuck on hold, because the only things I ever have money for anymore is food and gas. I feel like I'm just ... existing. Not living. I'm twenty-fucking-six years old ... I'll be 27 this year ... I'm living what're supposed to be the "best years of my life" as nothing but dead weight. With all my goals, aspirations, and dreams falling by the wayside, out of my reach. Even the -simplest- of pleasures. Can't even remember the last time I had the spare change to just by a 6-pack of Magic cards. Everything I get goes -straight- to groceries and gas, and there's never anything left. Anything and everything that I -do- still have as a luxury item? It's not because of me. No, it's the kindness of someone else, just keeping me afloat, out of the goodness of their heart. My stepdad's the one who covers our phone plan and internet. When my mom has the cash to spare, she gifts me a little extra to unfreeze my WoW account for that month. And my grandparents give me $5 a week so that I can at least still stay on top of my DDR workout at the arcade, because they don't want me staying stuck at the house all the time. Am I grateful? More than they'll prolly EVER know. But it's -not- a good feeling to be carried, when -all- you want more than anything is to stand on your own two feet. And even be able to carry -them- awhile, for a change. It hurts me so -damn- much that I can't repay a -single- ounce of that kindness.
I'm so emotionally exhausted. So spent. So -completely- dried up inside, that it's difficult to even cry. So damned tired of being useless, and feeling like I'm in this struggle alone. I just .... -really- don't know what to do, guys...
I really don't.
Zombie Apocalypse
General | Posted 13 years agoSuffering through some cold-like symptoms today (a shitty lil' cold has been trying on and off to take ahold of me for the past 3 days--UGH!), saw this "meme" on someone's Tumblr, and decided to post it here:
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l.....ibzio1_500.jpg
It's a Zombie Apocalypse, Last person you texted or IMed is the person you survive with, last weapon you used in a video game is your weapon of choice, and you have a lifetime supply of the last thing you ate.
How FUCKED are you, Meatbags?
pookin , Graal Spike Thrower (ME3 Multiplayer), Spaghetti.
Well ... unless there are working stoves in this post-apocalyptic wasteland, we're gonna starve. But at least we'll kick a LOT of zombie ass before we do! XD
How 'bout you guys?
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l.....ibzio1_500.jpg
It's a Zombie Apocalypse, Last person you texted or IMed is the person you survive with, last weapon you used in a video game is your weapon of choice, and you have a lifetime supply of the last thing you ate.
How FUCKED are you, Meatbags?
pookin , Graal Spike Thrower (ME3 Multiplayer), Spaghetti.Well ... unless there are working stoves in this post-apocalyptic wasteland, we're gonna starve. But at least we'll kick a LOT of zombie ass before we do! XD
How 'bout you guys?
I Swear To God My Cats Can Be -Assholes- Sometimes! LOL
General | Posted 13 years agoWatching Amnesia Let's Play vids from PewDiePie at 1:30 in the morning ... and one of my cats keeps stealth-pouncing me from behind my computer chair and making me jump. You'd think it'd startle them to see me jump and they'd stop doing it but, NOPE. He keeps doin' it.
It's like he knoooooooows. XD LIL' PRICK!
Still love his fuzzy face. Even if he gives me heart attacks while watching scary gameplay videos in the dark. =P
It's like he knoooooooows. XD LIL' PRICK!
Still love his fuzzy face. Even if he gives me heart attacks while watching scary gameplay videos in the dark. =P
Friend Of Mine Badly Needs Help
General | Posted 13 years agoA friend of mine's trying to get out of a very BAD situation in his home (his psycho of a mother beats his sister and nearly killed his new puppy by trying to strangle it to death) and he needs loans and/or donations to get out and into a new apartment.
Details in his journal located here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3472366/
Even if you can't toss in money, spreading the word will help SO much.
C'mon, guys, I've seen the power of furry compassion firsthand. We saved Fernando's, surely we can help save a fellow fur and his puppy.
Details in his journal located here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3472366/
Even if you can't toss in money, spreading the word will help SO much.
C'mon, guys, I've seen the power of furry compassion firsthand. We saved Fernando's, surely we can help save a fellow fur and his puppy.
Lil' Somethin' I Wrote Up Just Now
General | Posted 13 years agoIt's never been an easy thing to read you
You hide it all behind a countenance of ice
That no one can ever see through
I can sympathize with how you feel it needs to be
But I wish it didn't have to be with me...
When every path you choose becomes a solid wall
And stagnant silence resonates down every hall
Please don't forget me
Standing here with open arms to receive you
Don't turn away from me
I've always been here all along
A silent guardian watching from the dark
Always with you, right or wrong
Don't forget me...
Intentions are so hard to read
So many ways to be misunderstood
In this crazy life we lead
Every sight and every sound just whizzes by
And the comforts that we know become the lie...
Where every stairway's pointed down
And I never seem to be around
But please don't forget me
Even when you cannot see me, I am there
Don't turn away from me
I've always been here all along
A pining soul with so much love to give
Always with you, right or wrong
Don't forget me...
Laying it all out on blind faith
It's never been an easy choice to make
But I'll catch you every time you leap
And I'll mend you every time you break...
Just please don't forget me...
----
Was just feelin' a lil' blah about someone today, so decided to do some lyric writing to help work the feelings out. Who knows, maybe someday I'll feel inspired enough to turn this into an actual song. For now, it serves as a good venting piece.
You hide it all behind a countenance of ice
That no one can ever see through
I can sympathize with how you feel it needs to be
But I wish it didn't have to be with me...
When every path you choose becomes a solid wall
And stagnant silence resonates down every hall
Please don't forget me
Standing here with open arms to receive you
Don't turn away from me
I've always been here all along
A silent guardian watching from the dark
Always with you, right or wrong
Don't forget me...
Intentions are so hard to read
So many ways to be misunderstood
In this crazy life we lead
Every sight and every sound just whizzes by
And the comforts that we know become the lie...
Where every stairway's pointed down
And I never seem to be around
But please don't forget me
Even when you cannot see me, I am there
Don't turn away from me
I've always been here all along
A pining soul with so much love to give
Always with you, right or wrong
Don't forget me...
Laying it all out on blind faith
It's never been an easy choice to make
But I'll catch you every time you leap
And I'll mend you every time you break...
Just please don't forget me...
----
Was just feelin' a lil' blah about someone today, so decided to do some lyric writing to help work the feelings out. Who knows, maybe someday I'll feel inspired enough to turn this into an actual song. For now, it serves as a good venting piece.
Derp Icons & Mini Badges! (List Updated)
General | Posted 13 years ago*selective copy/pasta from previous journal*
These cuties are still up for craps, ladies 'n' gents!
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Completed!)
2. Dineegla (Completed!)
3. MuscleWolf (Completed!)
4. Jrogenshin (Completed!)
5. Kwolf (Completed!)
6. lunaxsolace (Completed!)
7. Crashthedog (Completed!)
8. Ekanssssss (Completed!)
9. Vene (Paid; WIP)
10.
As a reminder, there are 2 available options:
1) Icon/Profile ID Combo - $5 (can be upgraded to the Con Badge Bundle at any later time, for an additional $5)
2) Con Badge Bundle - $10
I'll be uploading an example tomorrow of what the digital mini-badges look like, once they've been printed and laminated. They're REALLY friggin' cute, you'll wanna wear 'em everywhere, con or no con. =3
These cuties are still up for craps, ladies 'n' gents!
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Completed!)
2. Dineegla (Completed!)
3. MuscleWolf (Completed!)
4. Jrogenshin (Completed!)
5. Kwolf (Completed!)
6. lunaxsolace (Completed!)
7. Crashthedog (Completed!)
8. Ekanssssss (Completed!)
9. Vene (Paid; WIP)
10.
As a reminder, there are 2 available options:
1) Icon/Profile ID Combo - $5 (can be upgraded to the Con Badge Bundle at any later time, for an additional $5)
2) Con Badge Bundle - $10
I'll be uploading an example tomorrow of what the digital mini-badges look like, once they've been printed and laminated. They're REALLY friggin' cute, you'll wanna wear 'em everywhere, con or no con. =3
Derp Icon Slots - Day 3!
General | Posted 13 years agoAlrighty, people, we're on day 3 of taking commissions for these icons, which means only 2 days left to get aboard the list!
ONLY 5 SLOTS LEFT!
Here's the list, as it stands right now:
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Pending)
2. Dineegla (Paid!)
3. MuscleWolf (Paid!)
4. Jrogenshin (Pending)
5. Kwolf (Paid!)
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Still awaiting payment from 3 more people. One should be sometime this afternoon, another I'll be getting either Friday or Saturday, but still waiting to hear from the third.
As a reminder, there are 2 available options:
1) Icon/Profile ID Combo - $5 (can be upgraded to the Con Badge Bundle at any later time, for an additional $5)
2) Con Badge Bundle - $10
I'll be uploading an example tomorrow of what the digital mini-badges look like, once they've been printed and laminated. They're REALLY friggin' cute, you'll wanna wear 'em everywhere, con or no con. =3
ONLY 5 SLOTS LEFT!
Here's the list, as it stands right now:
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Pending)
2. Dineegla (Paid!)
3. MuscleWolf (Paid!)
4. Jrogenshin (Pending)
5. Kwolf (Paid!)
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Still awaiting payment from 3 more people. One should be sometime this afternoon, another I'll be getting either Friday or Saturday, but still waiting to hear from the third.
As a reminder, there are 2 available options:
1) Icon/Profile ID Combo - $5 (can be upgraded to the Con Badge Bundle at any later time, for an additional $5)
2) Con Badge Bundle - $10
I'll be uploading an example tomorrow of what the digital mini-badges look like, once they've been printed and laminated. They're REALLY friggin' cute, you'll wanna wear 'em everywhere, con or no con. =3
Okay, Let's Do This Differently - Derp Icons OPEN!
General | Posted 13 years agoYup, going to change how I take slots for this, to give more time for people to get in (and increase the likelihood of all slots filling up). Technically, yesterday was Day 1 (and I've already got 4 people on the list when the last journal went up XD), so slots are still open until Saturday 12 noon EST. If they fill up before Saturday, then I'll announce it and then begin getting people's icons out to them (some are already done, believe it or not XD).
Here's the list as it currently stands:
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Reserved)
2. Dineegla (Reserved)
3. MuscleWolf (Reserved)
4. Jrogenshin (Reserved)
5. Kwolf (Reserved)
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
All the people who are currently listed as Reserved, you can already send payment. For those of you using Paypal, the email is: synwolf85[at]gmail.com
The rest, send me a note or text to arrange payment.
EDIT: Hurrr, forgot to add pricing info. XB For those waiting to jump aboard the list, the price of admission's $5, which includes 2 sizes (a larger one usable for profile IDs and the icon-sized version). Also thinking of making digital con badges of this character style, too, if the interest is high enough. Con badges of this would be $10 and would also include the profile ID version and the icon.
Can't wait for you guys to see how these icons are turning out. Seriously, I'm EXTREMELY pleased, and I'm sure y'all will be, too. =3
Here's the list as it currently stands:
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Reserved)
2. Dineegla (Reserved)
3. MuscleWolf (Reserved)
4. Jrogenshin (Reserved)
5. Kwolf (Reserved)
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
All the people who are currently listed as Reserved, you can already send payment. For those of you using Paypal, the email is: synwolf85[at]gmail.com
The rest, send me a note or text to arrange payment.
EDIT: Hurrr, forgot to add pricing info. XB For those waiting to jump aboard the list, the price of admission's $5, which includes 2 sizes (a larger one usable for profile IDs and the icon-sized version). Also thinking of making digital con badges of this character style, too, if the interest is high enough. Con badges of this would be $10 and would also include the profile ID version and the icon.
Can't wait for you guys to see how these icons are turning out. Seriously, I'm EXTREMELY pleased, and I'm sure y'all will be, too. =3
Upcoming Icon Template Commissions - LIST UPDATED!
General | Posted 13 years agoOkay ... as much as I was hoping my days of doing commissions were behind me, the financial situation is growing more and more desperate, and month's worth of frantic job searching has turned up nothing. So ... I really see no other way of keeping afloat anymore. O_O
The only thing I'm opening up for from here on out are icons and the occasional adoptable character I plan on putting up for sale from time to time, but the brunt of my income I plan on earning through icons. They're simple, they're easy, they sell, people love them, so ... why not?
So here's what's going to be offered: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7941350/
Using myself as the first example, this is the style that I'll be going for (backdrop will always be transparent, unless otherwise specified), with various templates for body types, ear shapes, tail shapes, with fangs/without fangs, etc. There's gonna be a HELLUVA range of customization, THAT'S for sure. Here is the official species list of what is going to eventually be available (tho the more "unusual" species templates prolly won't start becoming available until I actually get commissions for them; only some of these will be available at launch this weekend, which I've marked with an asterisk):
Wolf*
Fox*
Many Dog Breeds (Shorthair Terriers*, Chihuahuas*, Dobermans*, Labradors*, Rottweilers*, German Shepards*, Huskies*, Malamutes*, Mutts*, With More Coming Soon)
Lions*
Many Other Felines (Tigers*, Leopards*, Cheetahs*, Jaguars*, Lynx*, Caracals*, Servals*, Pumas*, Saber-Tooths*, & A Wide Variety Of Domestic Cats*)
Crocodiles
Alligators
Lizards*
Snakes (Including Cobras & Rattlers)*
Dragons*
Raptors*
Horses*
Bulls/Cows
Goats
Sheep
Pigs/Boars
Bears*
Pandas
Kangaroos*
Rabbits*
Squirrels
Skunks
Ferrets/Weasels/Stoats
Beavers
Mice
Rats
A MULTITUDE Of Birds (Ostriches Included)
Giraffes
Llamas/Vicunas
Deer/Elk
Moose
Some Antelopes (Thompson's Gazelle, Impala, Sable Antelope, Oryx, With More Coming Soon)
Anteaters
Elephants
Rhinos
Hippos
Crux*
Sergals*
Galaecoma*
As you can see, when all's said and done, this is going to be a -massive- production line. It's going to be a lot of work to get off the ground but once it is, they'll be fairly easy to churn out in pretty sizable batches.
Speaking of which, upon launch this Saturday, I'll only be opening up commission slots for a batch of 10 of these (though to be perfectly honest, I'll be really damn surprised if all 10 slots fill on the first weekend. T_T), but as these become more popular and interest goes up, I'll be increasing the size of the batches I do per week.
Now comes what I[m sure you've all been wondering this far ... how much? So glad you asked! The going rate for these beauties is a cool $5. Here's what you get with your purchase:
- The original 500x500 sized image (usable as a profile image instead of an icon, if one prefers, but can also be resized to whatever dimensions you want, for use as icons on other sites).
- The actual 100x100 size icon, immediately usable as your FA icon.
Another style will be opening up in the future (and even a few by the elusive pookin, himself! *gasp*), so be expecting the announcement on that to come sometime next weekend.
For now, lemme know what you guys think of the upcoming debut this weekend. I'm pretty damn excited about it. ^_^
EDIT: Holy crap, already getting hits! Already gonna start putting people down on the list for Batch 1! XD Work on these won't officially begin until Saturday, but by all means, snag a slot while you still can until then!
****
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Reserved)
2. Dineegla (Reserved)
3. MuscleWolf (Reserved)
4. Jrogenshin (Reserved)
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
The only thing I'm opening up for from here on out are icons and the occasional adoptable character I plan on putting up for sale from time to time, but the brunt of my income I plan on earning through icons. They're simple, they're easy, they sell, people love them, so ... why not?
So here's what's going to be offered: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7941350/
Using myself as the first example, this is the style that I'll be going for (backdrop will always be transparent, unless otherwise specified), with various templates for body types, ear shapes, tail shapes, with fangs/without fangs, etc. There's gonna be a HELLUVA range of customization, THAT'S for sure. Here is the official species list of what is going to eventually be available (tho the more "unusual" species templates prolly won't start becoming available until I actually get commissions for them; only some of these will be available at launch this weekend, which I've marked with an asterisk):
Wolf*
Fox*
Many Dog Breeds (Shorthair Terriers*, Chihuahuas*, Dobermans*, Labradors*, Rottweilers*, German Shepards*, Huskies*, Malamutes*, Mutts*, With More Coming Soon)
Lions*
Many Other Felines (Tigers*, Leopards*, Cheetahs*, Jaguars*, Lynx*, Caracals*, Servals*, Pumas*, Saber-Tooths*, & A Wide Variety Of Domestic Cats*)
Crocodiles
Alligators
Lizards*
Snakes (Including Cobras & Rattlers)*
Dragons*
Raptors*
Horses*
Bulls/Cows
Goats
Sheep
Pigs/Boars
Bears*
Pandas
Kangaroos*
Rabbits*
Squirrels
Skunks
Ferrets/Weasels/Stoats
Beavers
Mice
Rats
A MULTITUDE Of Birds (Ostriches Included)
Giraffes
Llamas/Vicunas
Deer/Elk
Moose
Some Antelopes (Thompson's Gazelle, Impala, Sable Antelope, Oryx, With More Coming Soon)
Anteaters
Elephants
Rhinos
Hippos
Crux*
Sergals*
Galaecoma*
As you can see, when all's said and done, this is going to be a -massive- production line. It's going to be a lot of work to get off the ground but once it is, they'll be fairly easy to churn out in pretty sizable batches.
Speaking of which, upon launch this Saturday, I'll only be opening up commission slots for a batch of 10 of these (though to be perfectly honest, I'll be really damn surprised if all 10 slots fill on the first weekend. T_T), but as these become more popular and interest goes up, I'll be increasing the size of the batches I do per week.
Now comes what I[m sure you've all been wondering this far ... how much? So glad you asked! The going rate for these beauties is a cool $5. Here's what you get with your purchase:
- The original 500x500 sized image (usable as a profile image instead of an icon, if one prefers, but can also be resized to whatever dimensions you want, for use as icons on other sites).
- The actual 100x100 size icon, immediately usable as your FA icon.
Another style will be opening up in the future (and even a few by the elusive
pookin, himself! *gasp*), so be expecting the announcement on that to come sometime next weekend.For now, lemme know what you guys think of the upcoming debut this weekend. I'm pretty damn excited about it. ^_^
EDIT: Holy crap, already getting hits! Already gonna start putting people down on the list for Batch 1! XD Work on these won't officially begin until Saturday, but by all means, snag a slot while you still can until then!
****
SLOTS
1. Eric_the_bull (Reserved)
2. Dineegla (Reserved)
3. MuscleWolf (Reserved)
4. Jrogenshin (Reserved)
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Looking For A Texture Modder For SL Avatars
General | Posted 13 years agoDunno how many watchers I have that play Second Life, but I wanna pick at your brains t'see if any of you might be able to help me with somethin'.
Been wanting to return to SL as of late, but one of the things I've been wanting to do is get the sergal model I'm using retextured to have Syn's coloration (as well as eventually purchase the male sergal model and do the same thing). I've only found one thus far offering commissions for them, but they wouldn't be able to take a commission til June, and I'd raaaather not wait that long for a recolor. X_X
So yeah, if anyone knows of anyone who is openly accepting commissions for texture modding/reskinning, lemme know. Appreciate it!
Been wanting to return to SL as of late, but one of the things I've been wanting to do is get the sergal model I'm using retextured to have Syn's coloration (as well as eventually purchase the male sergal model and do the same thing). I've only found one thus far offering commissions for them, but they wouldn't be able to take a commission til June, and I'd raaaather not wait that long for a recolor. X_X
So yeah, if anyone knows of anyone who is openly accepting commissions for texture modding/reskinning, lemme know. Appreciate it!
Someone Please Shoot Me (Oral Surgery)
General | Posted 14 years agoRoot. Canals. Hurt. So. Fucking. BAD.
Not a single pain med so far has lessened the agony and my jaw muscles ache from not being able to close my mouth (ANY of the teeth even remotely in the AREA of the affected one hurt when touched). If I don't see a -drastic- improvement tomorrow, I'm going back to the dentist to find out what the fuck is going on, and maybe see about upgrading to stronger painkillers. I'm not even able to function in this state. >_<;;
*cries and tries to fall back asleep*
Not a single pain med so far has lessened the agony and my jaw muscles ache from not being able to close my mouth (ANY of the teeth even remotely in the AREA of the affected one hurt when touched). If I don't see a -drastic- improvement tomorrow, I'm going back to the dentist to find out what the fuck is going on, and maybe see about upgrading to stronger painkillers. I'm not even able to function in this state. >_<;;
*cries and tries to fall back asleep*
Stupid God-Damn EA...
General | Posted 14 years agoNot only do the PC players of ME3 not have the Resurgence Pack DLC yet, but I've been continually getting the "Mass Effect 3 servers are down" error message since 5:30am this morning. Bravo, EA. You're the worst thing that's EVER happened to Bioware (not counting Mac Walters). T_T;;
A very frustrating thing to deal with, on top of the fact that I've got a migraine that doesn't want to let up, literally less than 20 mins before I have to leave for a dentist appointment (stage 1 of a root canal), and that I'm also dealing with a multitude of other frustrating stuff. Not shaping up to be a good week so far, I can already tell. >_<;;
Blegh ... hopefully life proves me wrong.
A very frustrating thing to deal with, on top of the fact that I've got a migraine that doesn't want to let up, literally less than 20 mins before I have to leave for a dentist appointment (stage 1 of a root canal), and that I'm also dealing with a multitude of other frustrating stuff. Not shaping up to be a good week so far, I can already tell. >_<;;
Blegh ... hopefully life proves me wrong.
Clearing The Air & Stepping Into A Braver Tomorrow
General | Posted 14 years agoFor a lot of folks, this is gonna feel like it's coming from out of the blue, but ... it's actually, in part, been a long time coming. It just ... got a bit of a 'helpful push' this week in coming out into the open. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just get the heavy part outta the way first.
I'm gender fluid.
For those who aren't familiar with what that term means, I'll copy/paste the summary from the group that I've recently joined:
Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.
Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation.
"No, I'm not a boy, and I'm not a girl either. I am gender fluid."
That established, I should kind of go into a little bit of history and explain why. Long before I even had a full understanding of gender identities and such, I've always been equally comfortable in either "role", per se. Even as a child, I was neither girly nor a tomboy, but somehow always coasting along as both. I had no trouble at all pretending to be male characters, nor did it ever feel weird or uncomfortably difficult to pull off. This was something that continued to carry on for me well into my adolescence and adulthood, tho sometimes to more or lesser extremes than others. Looking back on it, now, I see that all the signs were there and that there really wasn't anything "weird" or "wrong" about any of it ... but it was a great source of confusion and shame for a GREAT many years.
But the more I come to know and understand about the transgender culture, and various types of sexual orientations, I feel I understand enough to know that I'm not transgender. I don't feel like I'm a "boy trapped in a girl's body". But neither do I feel like I'm a female that likes to "pretend" to be male sometimes. I've always whole-heartedly believed that in some capacity, I was both. But I didn't know if there were others who felt the way I do, or experienced life the way I have, with this ... unusual sense of gender identity. You can't begin to imagine how much relief I obtained in discovering this:
genderfluidfurs
It was something I was very excited and motivated about, in fact. Hell, it was the main reason why I got a whole new look, to go with my brand new lease on life. I was totally syched about this new beginning ... up until this week.
The haircut was ... not as well-received by some of my friends in class as I was hoping it would be. Despite the fact that it was supposed to be equally functional as being appropriate for either gender (and a LOT of people agreed that it was VERY much capable of looking feminine), some seem to think that no matter how I dress or accessorize, I'm "stuck" as always looking like a male to them (or at "best", like a dyke; their words, not mine). Which ... is offensive, to put it mildly. Gender identity should be -my- choice. That's not something -other- people have the right to try and decide for me. It's MY call whether I'm male or female and to what degree. No one else's.
And ... I struggled hard with the feeling of that for a couple days. Tried to shrug off the sting of it, but it just kept nagging at me. Reminded me just a -little- too much of all the years of ridicule and mockery I endured from elementary to middle school for multitudes of shallow reasons, still so fresh in my mind even after ALL these years. But then, after I worked my way through to the other side of all the self-pity, anguish, and shame, I had to sit down and come to a decision. Was I going to let people tell -me- who and what I am ... or was I going to tell -them- who and what I am, on no uncertain terms...?
And so now...? I've this to say, to those who've either knowingly or unknowingly cut me down (this doesn't in any way include my family or those I consider -as- family, as I know they love and support me no matter what).
You may not like or understand the "real" me, people, but if you want to foster any sort of real friendship with me, you DAMN well will respect it. And I'm not -asking- for that respect, I'm -demanding- it, as someone who has the right to live life being true to themselves, free of judgement or abuse by those who are supposed to be closest to her. Don't you -dare- try and change me. Don't you even DARE try to tell -me- what I'm supposed to be, to conform to your narrow and rigid understanding of what's socially acceptable.
Because right now? I'm charging forward. I'm blazing trails with a courage and a zeal that I have -never- known before, and I won't be stopped. CAN'T be stopped. Not by you, not by -anyone-. Love me, or leave me. It's as damn simple as that. Because the harder you push me, the harder I'm gonna push back. I don't hush up and quiet down, just because you don't like the beat of the drums I dance to. I just keep banging louder and dancing harder. I don't need your damn approval in order to decide who and what I truly am. That's already been decided LONG before you.
I need people to stand -with- me. To support me, even if they may not "get it". I've had a -lifetime- of people whose only investment in me is as a punching bag and a lightning rod for mockery. Those are -not- the kind of people I want having my back. Friends--GOOD ones-- don't hurt each other that way. And I sure as shit wouldn't do that to any of you, if circumstances were reversed. I care about you guys too much to do that.
'Cuz damnit, I'm still -me-. I'm still the same person you've always been friends with. But I -need- to finally be open and honest about myself. My -true- self. And that self is a gem with MANY facets. Not just two. And I need you to get that, if you're gonna be in my corner. I don't have time anymore for people whose only function is to bring me down.
I'm not gonna lie to you ... sometimes it might get a bit weird, for awhile. I'm gonna sometimes feel more comfortable wearing/doing guy-like things (such as wearing chest binders etc.). And I understand that it's tough to "get", but ... there's a world of difference between not getting it, and being an ass about it. Let's make a -really- damn concentrated effort not to do the latter anymore, alright? This was hard enough to come out into the open with, without getting sucker-punched by the people I felt were among my closest friends.
Whether you were partly kidding or not, there's just ... there's a certain level of friggin' sensitivity that needs to go on with this kinda shit. Seriously. And when in doubt...? -Ask-. I'll NEVER get offended by genuine questions, born from an honest desire to want to understand better. I'd rather that than the shitty jokes or the snarky judgmental remarks.
Sorry for the bit of a rant, but ... I hadda get that out where the involved parties could see it, to address this crap.
By and large ... like I said before, I'm still the same ol' Syn. VERY little is going to change. Especially for those of you I only know online. I still answer to female pronouns more comfortably, and I'm not gonna go get a sex change or anything like that. Just that sometimes, I'm gonna meander a bit off the beaten path. At some times more than others, but I'm always gonna be the same person you've always known and loved. Just that the "other side" will come out into the open every once in awhile.
I'll end this with what's now written on my profile, in regards to being gender fluid:
"Be true to who you are. Let nothing change you. Not judgement, not mockery, not even fear."
I'm gender fluid.
For those who aren't familiar with what that term means, I'll copy/paste the summary from the group that I've recently joined:
Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.
Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation.
"No, I'm not a boy, and I'm not a girl either. I am gender fluid."
That established, I should kind of go into a little bit of history and explain why. Long before I even had a full understanding of gender identities and such, I've always been equally comfortable in either "role", per se. Even as a child, I was neither girly nor a tomboy, but somehow always coasting along as both. I had no trouble at all pretending to be male characters, nor did it ever feel weird or uncomfortably difficult to pull off. This was something that continued to carry on for me well into my adolescence and adulthood, tho sometimes to more or lesser extremes than others. Looking back on it, now, I see that all the signs were there and that there really wasn't anything "weird" or "wrong" about any of it ... but it was a great source of confusion and shame for a GREAT many years.
But the more I come to know and understand about the transgender culture, and various types of sexual orientations, I feel I understand enough to know that I'm not transgender. I don't feel like I'm a "boy trapped in a girl's body". But neither do I feel like I'm a female that likes to "pretend" to be male sometimes. I've always whole-heartedly believed that in some capacity, I was both. But I didn't know if there were others who felt the way I do, or experienced life the way I have, with this ... unusual sense of gender identity. You can't begin to imagine how much relief I obtained in discovering this:
genderfluidfursIt was something I was very excited and motivated about, in fact. Hell, it was the main reason why I got a whole new look, to go with my brand new lease on life. I was totally syched about this new beginning ... up until this week.
The haircut was ... not as well-received by some of my friends in class as I was hoping it would be. Despite the fact that it was supposed to be equally functional as being appropriate for either gender (and a LOT of people agreed that it was VERY much capable of looking feminine), some seem to think that no matter how I dress or accessorize, I'm "stuck" as always looking like a male to them (or at "best", like a dyke; their words, not mine). Which ... is offensive, to put it mildly. Gender identity should be -my- choice. That's not something -other- people have the right to try and decide for me. It's MY call whether I'm male or female and to what degree. No one else's.
And ... I struggled hard with the feeling of that for a couple days. Tried to shrug off the sting of it, but it just kept nagging at me. Reminded me just a -little- too much of all the years of ridicule and mockery I endured from elementary to middle school for multitudes of shallow reasons, still so fresh in my mind even after ALL these years. But then, after I worked my way through to the other side of all the self-pity, anguish, and shame, I had to sit down and come to a decision. Was I going to let people tell -me- who and what I am ... or was I going to tell -them- who and what I am, on no uncertain terms...?
And so now...? I've this to say, to those who've either knowingly or unknowingly cut me down (this doesn't in any way include my family or those I consider -as- family, as I know they love and support me no matter what).
You may not like or understand the "real" me, people, but if you want to foster any sort of real friendship with me, you DAMN well will respect it. And I'm not -asking- for that respect, I'm -demanding- it, as someone who has the right to live life being true to themselves, free of judgement or abuse by those who are supposed to be closest to her. Don't you -dare- try and change me. Don't you even DARE try to tell -me- what I'm supposed to be, to conform to your narrow and rigid understanding of what's socially acceptable.
Because right now? I'm charging forward. I'm blazing trails with a courage and a zeal that I have -never- known before, and I won't be stopped. CAN'T be stopped. Not by you, not by -anyone-. Love me, or leave me. It's as damn simple as that. Because the harder you push me, the harder I'm gonna push back. I don't hush up and quiet down, just because you don't like the beat of the drums I dance to. I just keep banging louder and dancing harder. I don't need your damn approval in order to decide who and what I truly am. That's already been decided LONG before you.
I need people to stand -with- me. To support me, even if they may not "get it". I've had a -lifetime- of people whose only investment in me is as a punching bag and a lightning rod for mockery. Those are -not- the kind of people I want having my back. Friends--GOOD ones-- don't hurt each other that way. And I sure as shit wouldn't do that to any of you, if circumstances were reversed. I care about you guys too much to do that.
'Cuz damnit, I'm still -me-. I'm still the same person you've always been friends with. But I -need- to finally be open and honest about myself. My -true- self. And that self is a gem with MANY facets. Not just two. And I need you to get that, if you're gonna be in my corner. I don't have time anymore for people whose only function is to bring me down.
I'm not gonna lie to you ... sometimes it might get a bit weird, for awhile. I'm gonna sometimes feel more comfortable wearing/doing guy-like things (such as wearing chest binders etc.). And I understand that it's tough to "get", but ... there's a world of difference between not getting it, and being an ass about it. Let's make a -really- damn concentrated effort not to do the latter anymore, alright? This was hard enough to come out into the open with, without getting sucker-punched by the people I felt were among my closest friends.
Whether you were partly kidding or not, there's just ... there's a certain level of friggin' sensitivity that needs to go on with this kinda shit. Seriously. And when in doubt...? -Ask-. I'll NEVER get offended by genuine questions, born from an honest desire to want to understand better. I'd rather that than the shitty jokes or the snarky judgmental remarks.
Sorry for the bit of a rant, but ... I hadda get that out where the involved parties could see it, to address this crap.
By and large ... like I said before, I'm still the same ol' Syn. VERY little is going to change. Especially for those of you I only know online. I still answer to female pronouns more comfortably, and I'm not gonna go get a sex change or anything like that. Just that sometimes, I'm gonna meander a bit off the beaten path. At some times more than others, but I'm always gonna be the same person you've always known and loved. Just that the "other side" will come out into the open every once in awhile.
I'll end this with what's now written on my profile, in regards to being gender fluid:
"Be true to who you are. Let nothing change you. Not judgement, not mockery, not even fear."
*Facedesk*
General | Posted 14 years agoNrgh ... 6:51am and I'm only NOW just tired enough to sleep. X_X;;
Fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu, insomnia. Just ... FUUUUUUUCK ... YOUUUUUUUU.
*flips off the sun filtering through her window and drags self away to bed*
(P.S.: Mass Effect 3.)
Fuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu, insomnia. Just ... FUUUUUUUCK ... YOUUUUUUUU.
*flips off the sun filtering through her window and drags self away to bed*
(P.S.: Mass Effect 3.)
Treading Water...
General | Posted 14 years agoDon't want to get into details or anything, but ... been going through a really rough patch the past few weeks. The past 2 days especially. I'm pretty emotionally battered and bruised.
But I'm still around ... and eventually, things'll get better.
Just letting everyone know I'm still around, even if not in the best of spirits.
But I'm still around ... and eventually, things'll get better.
Just letting everyone know I'm still around, even if not in the best of spirits.
