im sorry with the suicide threats and all..
its just how i am... a very sensitive person who just wants some love and hates feeling left out and failing at love life.
Pluss i am suffering from depression as you all know.
Im sorry if i scared anyone.
However if i have to be brutally honest, the only bad thing i did was to cut myself atleast 16 times because when i tried it the first time, it felt good.. .and i just wanted more and more.

but ill be okay. I am sorry everyone.

yaay i had my profile updated to make it look better ^^

all thanks and hugs to  bunnybuns~

for being such a sweetie to code it for me :D

Aprils fools!

But in reality, i am singel and looking so come and get it.

so one of my friends told me that people have started to think i am faking my depressions for attention.

Seriously? you guys really think that about me? you really think that all the pain and suffering i go through every day is just fake and for attention?
To be honest, yes, I do it because i want attention, but that doesnt mean i am not depressed.
Why am i doing this for attention? What else am i supposed to do? I am just crying out for help and support, yes i am negative, yes i am dark and feeling low almost all the time. But thats because i feel depressed and in pain!
I seek my doctor or psychologist every 2nd week and i am taking 10mg of Escitalopram everyday.
But it appears it doesnt work properly, maybe i am too stubborn and hopeless or that i am not taking a big enough dosage.

And yet, and people think i am faking my depressions?

It really breaks my heart to hear this.

but i hope you guys do understand me and why i am doing this. I just do something i think can help against depression or venting!

isnt making these journals called venting? cant i do that?

why do i have these feelings?
I keep feeling like i dont matter or is worth anything, i feel like.. nobody cares about me and that i dont really should be on FA or in this world.

no seriously, why ?

its always just pain and misery no matter where you go.
and there is no main purpose anyway...

me and my friend lycanthris or  lycanthris

We have started an RP group called  furtasiarpgroup

we would like to bring the tales of Furtasia to life with the helps of you guys and by that, i mean i we want you to experience our or rather lycanthri's fantasy world of wonders called Furtasia.

We are looking for more players who would like to well.. share in an adventure!

if you are interested go here  furtasiarpgroup

while being in love with someone, who doesnt love you back.

isnt that a waste of time?

after all the temptation yesterday about killing myself from jealousy and pain.

i actually survived. but the pain is still there. How does one remove it completely?
its been 3 years since the day it happened when i got my true depression... and yet i am still alive and keep going, even when the pain hurts so much.
what am i doing, i dont know. I feel like i am just wandering on autopilot.

and what goes through my mind?

I wanna play Resident evil 5 and go draw some porns.

Porns is good, ja?

yeah, i want to find one who are good at drawing gay art at a reasonable price that is below 100 dollars.

do you guys know any?

yeah, im starting to think my art and stuff isnt good enough, like something can be done to improve it... but i just dont know how to do it.
its a depressive thinking, really. It also kinda ruins the motivation to draw and makes me feel like an unworthy artist and a failure.
although... i do belive there can be improvement.

this is the end....

nothing more to say but happy new year.
go nuts, drink wildly, blow up mountains and make love.

im gonna set a mountain on fire.

yay its christmas again, and im busy drinking fine wine and enjoying nice dinner or ribs while trying to draw and watch cartoons and have fun and yadda yadda

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
BØRK!

I can say it because i am norwegian

Børk børk børk børk børk børk

BØRK!!

i like polandball comics...

so yeah, some around here and even the bitch who called me ugly claims i am faking my depression for attention.

There is nothing more painful than being depressed and people who claim you for faking.
Now i ask, is it really wrong to be depressed and express it in form of art or in poems or yadda yadda... or do they really want me to shut up and just get over it and keep all my depressive and sad feelings inside me and fake a smile instead?

what a world we live in...

hey i wanna try this too,
So ask me anything.

hey i wanna try this too,
So ask me anything.

in the beginning you lit me up, made me feel alive, made me feel like i mattered.
Now... Now I am nothing to you, replaced by someone else.
Alone in the the dark, where love cannot bloom, in an area where depression thrives and evil shall rise.

An evil that will soon has it's revenge, and madness shall embark.
The lust for vengeance... will become my ultimate temptress.


I am such a dark person.

Holy crap, there could have been a fire here. I guess thats what happens when you forget to remove the ashes from the depths of the chimney and make a fire in the fireplace or oven. Our basement smelled like someone was burning dust. Worried, i checked if it was any of my electrical components but it just kept smelling. Then i passed the chimney, and the ash door there was.... emitting heat!
It gave of heat like a furnace. Luckily, we discovered it quickly and called the firedepartment to help us deal with the problem.

The problem was, we had forgotten to remove the ash.

So check your chimney for ash today, and make sure you dont do the same mistake we did.

thats the life of a university student, busy studies and so little time for hobbies and other freetime stuff.
So yeah, that means the ones i owe commission too, work is gonna be slow.
But that doesnt mean i have given up on you, ive got most sketches of your work done so its just gonna take some time.
God have mercy on me this week...
Hey wait, im an atheist, that means its all up to me.

yeah... that is in my opinion the worst pain... or maybe its not, but it really fucking hurts.
It feels so hopeless and i feel so worthless... i may have given up on love for good now. The future for me is nothing but pain and jealousy.

oh and then there is gonna be valentines day.... i will not survive that day, thas the day i might... disappear.

Thats when you loose faith in love and life...

So as you all know, ive been very depressed. Ive seen a doctor for help and he didnt mention anything helpful, even when i downright told him i wanted to kill myself.
There was this girl i liked and had a crush on, ive been going out with her 2 times for dinner and bowling so i thought that maybe i should ask her out again?
So i did, but then she just said: "eew no, you are ugly, i dont wanna go out with you anymore" turned her back at me and just.... walked away...

so yeah... i am ugly... my crush told me that. Now i dont know what to do anymore, i try to distract myself with other things.. but that rejection just keeps haunting me and i cant think of anything.
Why must i live a life like this? I wish i was never born at all....

im sorry for that last whiny journal,
I really just need someone to talk to and i just couldnt find any on skype or IRL.

It helps against the pain and makes me feel less lonely.

Well... not that i am saying that my art sucks or anything like that.
But im just worried if im starting to lose my touch and all.

Anyway, what would you guys like see in my art?
any specific requests or something that you guys would like to see?