Something i've been thinking about a lot lately is the lottery. I'm currently in a lotto pool with 8 of my coworkers, hoping to win millions of dollars so we can quit and live our best lives. Along with this comes thoughts of what i'd do if we DID end up winning the big jackpot, aside from paying off debts and making investments. Well, it goes like this:

I'd build my dream house, which has always been a log home. Not a log cabin mind you, a full on log home, almost ski chalet style, and if at all possible i'd want it to be built by Golden Eagle Log Homes (you can find them on youtube or their own site). I've had a dream for a very long time of a home like that, while me and Prisma sit on the porch of it, clinking drinks together as we watch the sunset. But that's not all, this dream home also has a dream basement, something Prisma and I have talked about at length... our basement would be themed tavern.

We've gone back and forth on it a lot and have trouble deciding if it should be a Viking Meade Hall or a Pirate Bar or an Adventurers Tavern (maybe something hobbit style, I dunno) but either way it would be wonderful with a wet bar (I don't drink but this place would be hosting all kinds of family events) a space for a large table to play DnD at, and a small stage, fully equipped should someone want to sing or perform something (I come from a large family of musicians). Ambience everywhere too. I wouldn't want just a regular bar that has SOME theming, no it should be completely immersive, like you just stepped into Middle Earth or tamriel, but also surround sound playing ambient music be it bard songs or sea shanties or what have you.

We'd go on actual vacations, not just going to cons, but actual vacations. Cruises and tours and the like. See beautiful mountain ranges or the wonders of the world, or try out the nicest restaurants we can find. Have VIP stays at Disney or Las Vegas. Do the things that we've always been afraid of doing or just couldn't afford. It's always been a bucket list dream of mine to go to a Broadway show. Same with Wrestlemania. The freedom to look at Prisma and say "Wanna go somewhere next month?" and actually be able to do it.

I'd take up acting again. I miss it so much. I'm sure i'm rusty at it now but it's something i'll never forget. I'd go to auditions, memorize monologues and plays, show the world and everyone who doubted me that I was indeed good enough. Show my family that even my biggest dreams could still come true.

And on a much smaller note, i'd buy art again like I used to. Much like the acting thing, I miss entertaining and combining my creativity with the creativity of an artist to see what comes out.

That's about all I got right now. I was motivated to write this because I ran across a 3 hour youtube video of hobbit tavern ambience.

36 years have gone by, and I can say i'm still just me.

So, this weekend took a bad turn. I got a phone call from my condos property managers saying that neighbors were complaining about our cats making noise and they were "concerned about their wellbeing." So I told them that I apologize and that was Runar's first real test to see how he does when we're away, and that we'd be home to deal with it on monday. The call seemed to end nicely enough, but then the next day I get an email saying that they're still making noise and that the neighbor who was complaining was also threatening to call animal control. I told them there was nothing I could do about that because we have the only keys with us so we couldn't just let someone in to check on them... so without any better options, I had no choice but to cancel my vacation and come home to deal with this.

Lo and behold, i'm home and the cats are indeed fine. Runar just makes noise when he's alone, and Elune was chilling on the couch. They had plenty of food and water still (a fountain and automatic dispensers) and nothing was broken, neither one of them hurt... it's like I didn't have to drain my bank account cutting short my vacation.

And to put a cherry on top of it all, the one who complained slipped a "condominium association owner and resident handbook" under my door.

I hate people.

because I am

Happy birthday to me, i'm 35 now and i'm spending it sick. Yaaaayyyy...

Just in case you peeps didn't know, i'm here. Ayyyy.

I know I don't update this that often anymore, and whenever I do it usually ends up being something awful and tragic... and today is no exception. Prepare for another stream of consciousness style journal.

This sunday at 2 AM my niece who had been fighting Cancer the last few years passed away. She was only 10 years old. It tears me up inside that I wasn't a better uncle. Sure I saw her whenever I was at the lake when my brother was visiting, but it's not like I stepped away to play with her or converse or anything. Maybe it's because my uncles were never like that either, I dunno. This morning I went to work, then left almost immediately after because I was cracking up. Thankfully my boss is understanding and is handling the bereavement for me. I just can't shake the thoughts. She was only 10... and for the last few years she spent most of her time with treatments and hospitals and therapy along with a healthy mix of fun and trips to zoos and theme parks and such. All this child knew was kindness. Even with what was happening to her, she cared more about what was going on with everyone else around her. Now she's gone... and she was only 10. She'll never get to know things like high school or boys or driving or getting in trouble for staying out too late... she never got the chance to grow up.

This all seemed like more than enough to deal with already, then I read one of the most vile responses to such a thing in my life. I won't repeat it all here, if you're curious you can find Prismas twitter, but simply put, her sister will never be welcome in my house after what she said. I'm offended we breathe the same air.

On top of that, Prismas parents are coming to visit and we have no money. Along with family tragedy, bills kept rolling in... thankfully they're paid, but at the cost of being able to do anything while they're here. Road tripping all the way from the states, just to sit in a hotel room in a small town in Alberta because I can't afford to drive to any of the places they said they want to see. I don't see many other options than asking my dad for money, which I hate doing... I hate asking ANYBODY for money, and this just seems like i'm trading disappointment from one side of the family for disappointment from the other. I don't know what to do... I couldn't ask people on here for it because I still feel guilty for the last time I did 5 years ago.

Well... thanks for listening. If nothing else i'm glad her suffering is at an end. Any help is appreciated, and you know I hate asking for it. Hug a loved one close and tell them you love them. <3

So it's been 6 months since the last update, let me get you up to speed.

I got a new job. It's been alright. Full time work, benefits and such. That's good.

We're moving to a new apartment. A bigger one. That's also good. It involved a lot of help from my dad, which I always hate asking for. Sometimes i feel like i'd rather just suffer and go hungry than ask him for help. It makes me feel useless and disappointing that i'm not a better person with a fat bank account like how he expects me to be.

Our cat Elune has been stressed out from the move, and that stress has been making her pee in places she shouldnt. That's bad.

Taking her to the vet has yielded a $300 bill, with medication and different food that she refuses to eat. That's also bad.

The move and the cat combined have rendered us in a state of perpetual sadness, depression and fear over how we're going to pay for the move as well as everything else. When I started the new job, I thought things were finally going to get better. They haven't. I somehow feel like i'm doing worse even though i'm making more money.

I also lost my wedding ring while at work and worry that it's now gone forever. That's also bad.

Does anyone know when things are supposed to be getting better?

Today I was finally let go from my job. After starting in 2007, working there til 2010 and leaving, then returning in 2015 to today, putting in a collective 9 years, closing in on 10... I got dropped, just like that due to corporate restructuring. Guess it's time to process that for a few days, then tr and come up with a new plan.

I tell ya peeps, this has been a pretty lousy year. Not just for me, but for everyone... but I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself, so might as well make a journal entry right? Just general updates, a little ranting on my own flaws and essentially a list of my fears for the future. Bear with me as I go all over the place. I'm just writing these down as they enter my head. Who knows, it might be therapeutic?

So many problems, no way to solve them. Work has me furloughed until further notice due to the pandemic, in the meantime i'm doing a side gig working for my dads friend who is an auto dealer, traveling places to retrieve vehicles he's bought at auction. Not a bad job but not sustainable either, plus it means dealing with the fact that i'm in my 30s and I still need my dad to bail me out. I'm terrified of what next tax year is gonna bring because i've been having to take the governments CERB program, which people CONSTANTLY remind me will have to be paid back sometime. I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat but every day it feels harder and harder to do. It feels impossible to save money in a climate like this, but somehow it feels like I have a thousand eyes on me at all times expecting me to be better and to do more, but that can't be how it actually is, right? I'm in my 30s now, my teenage angst phase was supposed to have come and gone years ago, wasn't it? I wish I didn't feel so tired all the time.

I try not to watch the news because it just makes me feel awful. Angry, sad, fearful, take your pick... but I know I can't ignore it either, otherwise i'm just burying my head in the sand and keeping myself willfully ignorant of the world around me.

People tell me all the time "Oh you can talk to me about anything if you need to." when I really can't either due to differing ideologies, my own fears, or the sense that the people who offer that REALLY don't know what it is that they're offering. I've seen it a million times, someone says to talk to them about my problems one moment, then the next moment acting completely annoyed that I would have the nerve to say anything about it. I know i've said this same thing to others and acted the same way, I feel awful just thinking about it. I suppose I WANT to help, but i'm very much not equipped to do so. I'm not a professional in the slightest, there are people far more qualified to deal with such things.

I don't even know if anything i've typed up so far is how I really feel, because it seems like how I feel about anything is constantly changing from one minute to the next. Sometimes I feel like all I have in the whole world is my wonderful wife, this tiny, shitty apartment we live in, our cat, and rolling dice every friday and sunday to make our imaginary characters save the world. I have some wonderful friends who I know I should be able to talk to about my issues, but I can't for reasons I already stated, which I know are probably not good enough... I just can't. I wish I had a better answer but I don't... I just can't.

It's funny that I can dispense advice for people for days, but I can't figure out anything for myself. Part of me wants to blame my father for many of my problems, but I know it's probably all something I did or didn't do. I've pretty much been a failure/loser at everything i've ever done. Prisma constantly tells me what a good husband I am, but it's hard for me to see it. I want to like myself more. I used to, but somewhere down the line I lost it. I had an idea to try and deal with most of this. A writing exercise where I write out a conversation with 3 different aged versions of myself. I think that it would be interesting and maybe even a touch fun, but i've been too lazy to do it.

I don't want feel like this anymore. I miss having self confidence.

So that's what's been on my mind. I dunno if any of it made sense, or if i'm just whining. First world problems, right?

Potentially the last session of a 2 year long campaign, tonight we're facing down Tiamat, and we're gonna take her down or die trying! You can watch here:

http://www.twitch.tv/prismalin

It begins at 7pm MST (about 20 minutes from this journal posting)

Come hang out, see how we do ^_^

Tonight I step behind the screen for the first time to DM a one-shot DnD game. If you wanna watch, you can at http://www.twitch.tv/prismalin

It begins at 7pm Mountain Time, 8pm Central, 9pm Eastern

wish me luck because i'm scared as all hell ^_^;

Yep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUbzTdF__4o

I am SO TIRED of what Hollywood has done to Superman ever since Superman Returns. I can't stand whiney emo Superman anymore. Remember when he was supposed to be a beacon of hope that stood for truth and justice and all that? When he actually smiled and cracked the occasional joke/one-liner? This whole "it's not easy to be me" thing was interesting at first but I feel as though they've ridden that particular train right into the ground. Which isn't to say Injustice isn't good, it's REALLY good, partially because you understand his motivation and see where the fall happened. Hollywood whiney-emo-superman on the other hand is just the living personification of the color grey.


Say what you want about the old days of the Richard Donner films... at least their Superman was likeable.

I am now officially 31 years old. Does it ever start feeling...good?

If you ever feel like something is very, very wrong, wrong with life, wrong with yourself, I understand. I have that feeling too but in actuality that feeling isn’t wrong. That feeling is just being human. That intense feeling inside is the feeling of existing, of being alive, of being a person. It’s a mountain to climb, it’s a test to pass, it’s a challenge we are ultimately worthy of and rather than dread or resent this challenge we can embrace it, we can learn from it and we can celebrate it. Life is very intense but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Understanding this is what partying’s all about.

In your darkest moments never forget that you can and will make it through. Never forget the hard times that you already have made it through and understand that in the future there will be more challenges but also more rewards and all of this counts as life. It's all part of true joy. Everything counts. After all, these ups and downs aren't here to hurt us, they're here to thrill us, to make the rollercoaster ride of life even more interesting and spectacular. Deep down inside we don't really want an easy life, we want an amazing life and the strength to love it with all our heart. Besides, darkness and shadow, those are not our enemies. They're as necessary and natural as the nighttime is to the day. The dark isn't bad, it's simply the light casting a shadow. Our ultimate quest is not to destroy the shadows or our demons but to learn to hold hands with that side of life. To party with our demons.

In the midst of all the doubt, all the uncertainty, all the frustration, all the confusion, we must never lose sight of the parts of life that we're absolutely clear about. The parts of life that bring us undeniable and reliable joy. These are sacred. They give us strength. They give us pure physical and emotional energy, and that purely good feeling that tells us that life really is worth living even when it's hard. The truest part of ourself is found inside the clarity of this feeling. This feeling is the life-force. It lives inside the undeniable love that we have for the people and aspects of life that bring out the best we have to offer. Let this love define us. Let our spirit be fortified by this loving clarity. This love is our destiny and our ultimate quest is to protect it, to amplify it and to rejoice in sharing its power with all the world.


--Andrew W.K
"The Feeling Of Being Alive" "In Your Darkest Moments" "Confusion and Clarity"

For the last couple years, I've been VERY into Dungeons and Dragons to the point that it's quickly become one of my favorite games/hobbies. It's some of the most fun I've had in ages, and I have the twitch show Critical Role to thank for that. For those unaware, Critical Role is a show where a bunch of nerdy ass voice actors get together and play D&D. That's their description of it but it's so much more than that and it's hard to describe. It combines great story and character balanced with the right amounts of drama and humor and action, as well it taught me how to play D&D 5e.

Why do I bring it up? Well, tonight is the end of their 4 and a half year campaign and emotions are running high. It's really been a journey to watch from start to finish and I recommend it for anyone interested in such things. You can find it on geekandsundry.com or YouTube or Twitch as well as in podcast form (they've been releasing them incrementally). You won't be disappointed, it's a beautiful ride.

So 11 days ago, me and Prisma began a 30 day ab challenge where the winner gets a steak dinner and the loser eats vegan for a week... and not gonna lie... it's been difficult ^_^;

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uvK2ijIvl.....enge-chart.png

You peeps that are into fitness and working out and such.... how do you do it? Any tips you got for us to pull ourselves through?

Not quite sure how to talk about this peeps, but I feel I need to otherwise I might go a little nuts. I feel like i'm losing my grip on things. Everythings been weird and it all stems from money. I have barely any and I need more to fix everything going on with me right now. I'm actually legit scared. All the time. Everything scares me because I don't have enough of anything to deal with it. Property tax, condo fees, bills, gas, let alone providing for myself and my wife... i'm working 2 part time jobs and there doesn't appear to be any hint of full time in the future, nor do any full time jobs near me fit my skillset. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to be scared anymore. That's what I got.

For once I got ahead and paid off ALL my bills.... then my insurance came due. So, I am totally open for donations, possibly commissions but I have no idea what I could do in exchange because I cant draw and i'm not as good a writer as I once was but if it's what you want, i'll do it.

My paypal is sled130[at]hotmail.com

Let's talk about a family movie about singing furries!


Spoiler alert for those who haven't seen it, if you don't wanna know what happens in the end, back away from this journal now, i'll even give you a few line breaks to buffer it starting now:











Those of you still here, we all know that the competition was a sham and they all wanted to perform anyway and all that jazz, but upon hearing and seeing their performances in the end, who do you think should have rightfully won it if it HAD stayed a competition? Let's go over it and simon cowell this bitch!

Rosita (the pig lady) was the one I WANTED to win it from the start because, well, I dig the whole housewife/full time mom with hidden talents angle and while it was a great performance, I don't think she would've won it...also, call me crazy, not a fan of the batman outfit thing.

Johnny (the gorilla) probably had the best pure singing voice out of everyone (and that's debatable as they all could sing) but I wasn't crazy about the choice of song. I think his talents would have been better suited for a slow, more soulful song, though points for the piano.

Seth Macfarlane (the mouse...I know he has a name but really, did you call him anything else?) is where it starts getting tough to judge, because my god, his voice for lounge singing is amazing and it was a perfect song to show that off with. He could have easily won it in my opinion, but we have more to go on with this list.

Meena (the elephant) much like Seth, another amazing voice and I believe the movie itself wanted you to believe that she would be the clear cut winner of the whole thing, while i'm not a fan of the song itself, I cant deny that it had the hell sang right out of it.

Ash (the porcupine) is without a doubt, my pick for who would've won it. She had a dynamite voice, stage presence, the intro was great and I love the song, plus playing a guitar along with it.

Though its personally my favorite performance, i'm not exactly a pro critic... what do you guys think?

Well I've been 29 for a week now, i'd like to thank everyone for the kind words and birthday wishes ^_^ It's nice to feel loved <3

My birthday ^_^ i'm 29 today

*looks at gallery... looks at faves list... looks at contact list... looks at list of ideas... looks at list of people to get porn with... looks at self...*

Yknow... I think I might be a little bit of a slut.