http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwQBI_ltB_c

Oddly enough, if Fujin were an actress, I 100% expect she woulda done this herself. (She loved doin' the shimmy - tried to teach me how too.)

We've all heard it through every sappy love story.... "I would die for you". I know some of us have said it to others. Even meant it.

At night, before I go up to bed, I talk to our wedding picture - the image that I feel is the most beautiful she ever was (no, this pic hasn't been posted.. yet. Interest?), tell her how much I love her, how TinyTrib is doin'.. you know.. Mundane stuff. And I said something that shocked me.

"You knew, from so early, that I'd've died for you. --No... I'd ENDURE for you.... (*BLINK!*) I guess that's what I'm doing right now, huh?"

In 'The Princess Bride' it was said, "Death can not stop True Love." Maybe... but he's damned well pissing me off.

First thing I'm gunna do... gunna hamstring his damned horse... THEN I'm gunna get right MEAN with Death.

Melvining's too good for him.

Only because I felt guilty for not putting it up after answering a few of these. I don't expect to get answers... and honestly, I'd be grateful for even ONE "Yes"... So... without further ado....

1. give me your number?
2. let me hug you anytime I wanted to?
3. let me kiss you?
4. watch a movie with me...even a really sappy one?
5. let me take you out to dinner?
6. drive me somewhere/anywhere?
7. take a shower with me?
8. have a fling with me?
9. listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
10. buy me a drink if i didn't have money?
11. take me home for the night?
12. let me sleep in your bed?
13. sing karaoke w/ me?
14. sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
15. re-post this for me to answer your questions?
16. come pick me up at 3am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
17. Do you think i'm cute or hot?
18. Do you like my style?
19. Do you think I'm funny?
20. cry if I died?
21. dance with me?
22. sing happy birthday to me?
23. take advantage of me if I was drunk?
24. strip for me?

Take a quick peek at  FoxyTangerine 's journal
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/229141/

I signed up, and damnit if I didn't have a metric assload of furs listed within 50 miles of me...
Within
10 Miles: 8
25 Miles: 32
50 Miles: 38
Total: 78 within 50 miles of my zip code...

Now, that might not sound like much.. but if you consider I live out past West Jesus, NY (running gag), I'm impressed....

Soooo... Who else is out this way towards the Holland / Aurora / Boston area?

So, yeah... JUST found out that AnthroCon 08 and the Ride For Roswell are on the same weekend...

ERGO.....

I will do the Ride in the AM / early afternoon, then drive home to offload the tent / chairs / supplies... OH! And the bikes... and drive the 4 hrs down to Pitt / AC - have dinner, get a room... then stay up WAY too late in the zoo / takin' pix and beggin' fer art / cuddles / hugs / gropes / wet-deep-soul stealing kis---

Wait, where was I? OH! Right...

 Yunicoon /  Guyver47 /  Coffinberry /  CigarSkunk /  Kit_wickliff /  TigerBlack /  patches_namaki  smexydemfox  Fossil and more others than I can't count....

I >WILL< be there.. Just... a little later than I'd like to be... But... you know full well that I'll still want to see you all at some point... Hell, I'll be bringing money....

And maybe, JUST maybe.... I'll bring some extra R4R shirts to see if anyone wants to buy some for a donation to the R4R team too?

I can dream, right?

Anywho... You've been warned.

If you don't already know, please read  Cheska 's journal - http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/227051/

You "kids" born in the 80's and 90's listen up.

Back in the days before Stereo TV's and CD's and Dave Letterman and Saturday Morning Toy Advertisements masquerading as kid's shows, there were TV moments that old farts like myself (born in 1969 - so 38 now) remember vividly....

These are two of those - arguably two of the most memorable Public Service Announcements from the early 70's. The quote, "People Start Pollution, People Can Stop It" still rings true today for me, just as it did way back then.

Canoe - http://youtube.com/watch?v=k197LOJof9Q
Horseback - http://youtube.com/watch?v=DH0U2AsyoWU
Wiki - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keep_A.....rica_Beautiful

Now for the record, the Indian, Iron Eyes Cody, was NOT a Native American as he claimed often, but a 2nd generation Italian American.
From: http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/ironeyes.asp

Even if Iron Eyes was not a true-born Native American, he certainly did a lot of good on behalf of the Native American community, and they generally accepted him as one of them without caring about his true ancestry. In 1995, Hollywood's Native American community honored Iron Eyes for his longstanding contribution to Native American causes. Although he was no Indian, they pointed out, his charitable deeds were more important than his non-Indian heritage.

I'm no Environmentalist out to burn Hummer sales shops or yell at Corporate America... I'm just one man who thinks, So long as I keep my little bit of the planet clean, isn't that a noble enough cause?

Here you go, kids - here's part of the reason you return cans and recycle newspapers. 'cause I don't know about you, but I don't wanna think of Mother Earth as one big landfill.

I want a picture of...

"Mr. Green Jeans getting balled by Mr. Moose"

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/.....m-in-ur-chare/

(*Sigh*) Ka-thumpa - ka-thumpa!

Q.
What goes: BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*) BANG! (*Thud*)

T
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s

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i
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A.
A Time Lord committing suicide.

Don't believe, me? Listen for yourself:
http://tombakersays.com/jokes.html

Seems like only yesterday we met - back at college...

Yeah. Chance meeting my ass, right?

And then the semi-formal.... graduation.... living together.... loosing your job.... getting married.... working through all those 'Cheetoes'....

And loosing you.. knowing I had to be Da Shuj on a scale I never would have imagined before.... You trusting me far beyond anything we'd ever talked about...

And now the Next Big Milestone is here: Kindergarten. MAN, hard to believe it's taken forever for this to sneak up on me like this.

But, you know.. you trusted me to get her ready - to make sure she was adjusted and happy and secure and....

--and we did GOOD, kiddo. Really. She's ready - she's SO beyond ready and we did good, you and me.

So... Thursday morning, off she goes.. and Friday after school we'll leave you flowers, as always, in the band room - right where you were that first day; Watchin' that weird upper classman in day-old clothes, yukkin' it up with the percussion guys....

We'll keep doin' good. I promise....

--and I guess I know what I'll do while she's at school her first day.

Matane, Fujin... Dream of us. (*Sad smile*)
....I miss you

If you don't wanna read 'cause it's my one-and-only political rant, hey! No worries... I can only tell you that I've got an opinion that you may not have heard before... at least not like this.


Ok.. now that the witty disclaimer is over....

Like a lot of others, I've read  cigarskunk rant on about the Iraq War / Police Action / Global-War-On-Terrorism: Middle-East Edition... and... truth be told....

I'm up to my eyeballs in frustration right now. (Ok, yes.. a tribble stands MAYBE 35 cm tall... but that's not the point!)

Look, bottom line it doesn't matter what your feeling is about the invasion of Iraq by The United States of America (and friends)... because no matter how you slice it, that's what it was; simple enough. No matter what the provocation, that's what happened.

It doesn't matter how you feel about the whole "Were there or wasn't there Massive Weapons Caches"... 'cause, to be honest, right now that's immaterial....

Look, I'm more Libertarian than anything else. I did NOT support the idea of invading Iraq, I did NOT believe Colin Powell was at all happy about giving the UN Briefing about Iraq's supposed weapons capabilities and threat, and I SURE as hell did NOT want Our Boys (And Girls, forgive my using a WWII-ism) going on a Wild Goose Hunt when The Target was lookin' for a dialysis machine in the middle of the dessert. I STILL don;t think our combined troops should be on anyone else's soil unless they were first countering someone else's overstepping of borders...

With that said, here's my stance:

Do NOT bring the troops there OUT! Hell, send in MORE! Damned near anything we got that's already outside the US Borders!

How do I justify that? Simple - and I sum it up for you in two words:

MORAL RESPONSIBILITY

Look, bottom line, we drove in, we usurped power, we collected the people who WERE in power with an established order... and just removed them - with nothing else in place to viably maintain political and civil control.

You Broke It - You Bought It! That's what it comes down to. We did it - Plain and simple. Its OUR responsibility to do WHATEVER needed to re-establish that country's stability and viability as a sovereign nation again.

Sadly, if that means holding the borders from an influx of troublemakers so the resident populous can turn each other into red bloody ribbons of Hellish pain... maybe that's what needs to be done. I don't know... and I admit that....

But geeze, folks - you wanna scream and demand that those DAMNED brave folks WHO SIGNED UP FOR THIS JOB AND KNEW THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE TO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THE GREATER GOOD! get onna Greyhound and head for Trippoli....

Look, I feel for you. I don;t want they guys there either... but, damnit... WE screwed it up by pulling the damned thing apart and not putting it back together soon enough NOR effectively enough. That's why there's now so much pain... should been done better MUCH earlier.

But, you know what they say about hindsight....

I am SUPREMELY pissed at my Country's Leader for doing what was done, AND for doing it in a piss-poor fashion... but I STILL love my Country and every single one of its Armed Forces - from the Boston Tea Party members to the people who died while I was writing this up.

So folks, when you think about people yelling and screaming about "I don't want my (son/daughter/wife/husband/cousin/niece)'s blood left on that God-forsaken slab of sand", just remember two things:

1) They knew what they were getting into. They may not like the job at the moment, but ask them if they'd shirk their sworn vows to their country or their brothers and sisters in arms.... aint a one of them would do that. Its simply NOT in their makeup.

and

2) THEY didn't choose to be there - there we TOLD to go there. You wanna be pissed at someone, be pissed at the one(s) who, literally, gave the marching orders. THAT'S where your anger should be directed.

Now, I know some of you are gunna blast me for laying out my political feelings on this.... and that's OK... but if you are gunna flame me, at least have the respect to argue me with valid points to counter what I said.. and not just hurt vile epitaphs at me. Like we learned from Monty Python, that's not an argument.

And with that I tip my hat to the following, just to show that I'm not a .MIL-Hater:
Granpa K - US Navy WWII Ret (RIP)
Cousin D - US Army (SEAL / Ranger / etc trained) (Active)
Brother S - US Air Force (USAFA Graduate / prior A-10 Pilot) (Active)
Father - SCPD (Beat Cop 33 years) (ret)
Brother E - MCPD / EMT (Highway Patrol) (Active)
Best Friend K - SCPD / NYC Housing / NY Transit (10+ years) (Active)
Cousin N - SCPD Forensics (Active)
Father In Law E - US Army WWII / Japan Occupation (Ret)

Yeah... I have enough folks in my close circles to be considered Military Aware.

A quick Happy Birthday to my daughter, "TinyTribble"...

5 years and man... how much you've grown in such a short time.

I'm PROUD of you, li'lone...

--and I'm sorry.

After getting my book started by  blade at AnthroCon07, I started getting ideas for future sketches. If anyone wants to play with an idea, by all means, have at it.

"Misunderstood"
"Tribble Porn"
"Charcter Sheet - Parody"
(Ok, this one I wanna explain - I've seen the usual character sheets showing how many heads tall a character is, placement of arms and body art etc... and I thought, well, hell.. THAT would be funny as hell.. if pointless, for a Tribble.. So.. Why not?! *GRIN)

"Because no one suspects a Tribble...." - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/651046/ done by  panthras

I also created a BUNCH of pages for the running idea, "Tribbles Are Not......" So.. Here is the list I have currently.

...Furbies
...Athletic 001 - Tennis
..." 002 - American Football
..." 003 - Shot put
..." 004 - Polo
..." 005 - Croquet
..." 006 - Bad mitten
...Bobble-head Dolls - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/737037/ done by  yunicoon
...Computer Savvy
...Dust Puppies - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/676936/ done by  shujintribble
...Well known in the underworld
...Well known in the porn industry
...normally sad
...not to be trusted blindly
...morning people
...members of 'The Hair club for Men'
...well suited for radio
...to be used as a flotation device
...easily amused
...'falsies'
...babe magnets
...without friends
...left handed
...toys
...fat
...vegetarians
...automobile decorations
...emo
...pirates
...ninjas
...artists
...on, 'The List'
...bribed with Tim-Tams and coffee.... usually.
...from 'Star Wars'
...from 'Babylon 5'
...from France (I was actually thinking of The Coneheads when I wrote this.. nothing political here)
...easily impersonated
...universally recognized
... ammo (Added)
... cleaning aid (Added)

Left the homestead in the foothills of Buffalo, NY at about 3am... hit the store for a greek pasta salad w/ feta and spending money... and Hit The Road in Hamburg, NY - Destination, Pittsburgh, PA and Anthrocon! Gotta tell ya.. using the GPS system to navigate was HEAVENLY! Point - to - point, just 4 hours on the nose (including construction speeds) worked out well... until....

Among others, I was planning on meeting up with  bondofox - he's been a great booster regarding what happened with Fujin, the RPCI fund raiser.... so I took my good camera with me, intending to help him with a fursuit bondage photo shoot... IF it were to happen. (I actually brought along a piece of foam-board to use as a flash-bounce / diffuser to minimize harsh shadows. So if you saw me walking around with it, that's what it was for.) Sadly it didn't happen... but the possibility is still there.... or, minimally, it hasn't been nuked from orbit just yet. So, one never knows.

After calling BondoFox to ask about parking, figuring he'd already be there (I actually woke him up! *SORRY!*), he suggested I go to one parking ramp close by. Pulled it up on the GPS, navigated right to it, started to pull in and, =KLUNK!= The bike-rack on top of my Honda CRV tagged the warning tube at the entrance that proclaimed, after double checking, a max hight of SIX FEET! I mean...  cigarskunk would have to stoop down just to walk in there! I pulled away figuring I could just unscrew the parts off the rack and I'd be golden.... except that one section REQUIRES a wrench... Oh well. Found a new place down off Wood Street and headed to the place.

Hooked up with  verm and  Panthras and... oh, hell... My brain's shot. Guys, help me out here.... Anyway, met them for breakfast at the Steel City Diner - basically a hole-in-the-wall-sized short-order eats place... and I give them credit! The folks there welcomed the furry crowd (and it was a SIZABLE one!), never seemed to bat an eye at the various fashion accessories (ears and tails) and DAMN, they worked their proverbial TAILS off! Kudos, guys! After breakfast went up to get me registered.. then off to the con!

I can't say enough good about  verm . He was a gracious personality, selfless tourguide and gave me a LOT of leeway in terms of getting lost in the throngs... either that or I was so completely overwhelmed with everything like a starstruck 1st-time con-n00b that I was, "Oooh! SHINEY!" all over the place.

Verm? Thank you, man... Seriously. I owe you deeply for that. (*Kowtow*)

I got "dressed" for the con in my blue yukata, japanese headband and 'Mini-Tribble' tied under the headband... since I had no idea where else to put him. I'll find somewhere better for next time. (More on THAT later)

Going into the artists' alley the first time was... just... WOOOOW! I was amazed at some of the people there.. There's Fursuit builders and sketchers and painters and button makers and (*GASP!*) holy HELL! there's  maxblackrabbit and  gnaw right next to  Panthras (Which, by the way, Super Coolness!).... and then, I turn one corner.....

"Holy COOL! I =LOVE= Star Trek stuff! Can I take your picture?" It was Blade (Not sure where her page is)... and she wanted my picture. (Get that? An Artist... at one of the biggest furry cons.. wants *MY* picture!?) I was shocked, stupefied.. and agreed.. if *I* could get a picture with her. the deal was done.. and I asked her to be the first to defile my book. "SURE! What would you like?"

*` <<Tribble with an Anime Head Sweat

I had no idea.. then I figured, How About the Pictures We Just Took? She was on it.. and that's how I got my first sketch! She did such a GREAT job on it and I loved the touch of the Inverted Avitar thingy. SO cool!

It's a few minutes until the 22nd... the day marking the next year after having lost my Fujin; I refuse to use the "A" word.

My past journal ( http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/125387/ ) pretty well sums up how I feel about her, however....

Today.... today is going to be bad - far worse than I was expecting, I think.... And trust me, I was expecting a BAD day.

I've said so much already recently... so I'll just use my soapbox moment for this:

Folks.... If you have something about your body that you think is "odd", abnormal, unusual, weird, out-of-character, strange, unusual.... Get. It. Checked. Out.

If you get what you feel is a blow-off / dismissive answer and you are SURE it's something, do NOT feel bad about getting a second, or even a THIRD opinion!

Fujin's angiosarcoma (cancer) started in her breast... and we noticed it when we hugged before she went to work one morning. It felt 'wrong'. She thought it was my dragon necklace in the way (she was a Double-D, basically); I wasn't wearing it.

--She was 31 at that time.

Mammogram computer said it was "just" dense breast tissue... the doc signed off on it WITHOUT A CLINICAL EXAM, and sent her on her way telling her to come back when she was 35 or 40 for her 'real' mammograms.

Fuj asked for a 2nd opinion anyway, feeling like it was a brush off... and was given one to a doc with poor English skills (Doc was Japanese), so couldn't properly explain that the needle-core biopsy was inconclusive.... saying it doesn't look bad, but she should come in ASAP... but there's no rush, but it could be something....

Serious mixed message.

We got the THIRD opinion from Roswell Park Cancer Institute about 7 weeks after TinyTribble was born... and that's when the CORRECT diagnosis came through; Angiosarcoma.

My point is - there is NOTHING in this world more important than your health. =NOTHING=. People's feelings will heal, bridges can be rebuilt.... but your health.....

If you remember nothing else... remember that today and take it to heart.


Now, if you'll excuse me.... I have much grieving to do today.

...May you NEVER know what this is like.

I'm not one for spilling my guts on the floor often... but right now, I feel like it. So, if you want to skip over this fearing it's gunna be a wussy-assed emo-fest, by all means, feel free. But then again, if you've seen my references to 'Fujin' before, maybe you'll learn a little something about it.

I met Fujin 7 Sept 1988 - her first day of college classes (SUNY @ Fredonia), the start of my third (and final) semester. She was late coming into All College Band (ACB was around 2pm) and I saw her peek her head into the band room and waved her in telling her she was in the right place.

We left band and didn't interact at all.

After dinner, I went over to one of the all-girl's dorm to see if my friend from the year before was still in the same room. Turned out she was, met me in the hall outside her room, gave me her BIG hug and then said, "...And this is my new room mate, __________."

Fujin, not batting an eye, looked at me and said, "I know you..."

I had NO idea wtf she was talking about... but she clued me in pretty quick.

Three days later, after professing up and down that we were both scared of our baggage and didn't want a relationship, we knew we were an item when we kissed.... "Groovy Kind Of Love" by Phil Collins played right after - Our Song.

We knew.... We were and ARE... Soulmates in the truest sense of the fairytale world.

I left school that Dec and moved back to Long Island - 500 miles away... I didn't do well / wasn't ready for college.

I moved up to be with her 14 Nov '92 in a basement apartment....I do NOT recommend that experience to anyone!

We married 17 Jul '93.

Our baby, 'TinyTribble', was born 23 Aug '02 - she's going to be 5 this August.

About 7 weeks later, Fujin was correctly diagnosed with a RARE cancer - Angiosarcoma. She had to stop breast feeding and begin chemo / radiation / surgery to get it under control.

We (including the cat, Bandit) slept in our house after construction 18 May '03... though we REALLY should have waited so I could clean it up more.

The longest we had ever been apart was a four-month stint when I couldn't drive from Long Island to see her at Fredonia (a nearly 10 hr drive including rest / nap stops).

On the 22nd of May at 7pm Eastern time, it will have been 2 years since I lost her.

She was 34 years, 9 months, 12 days old and in my life 16 years, 8 months, 15 days.

I know you've all seem me say how I love her, how certain chars you've done reminds me of her...

Mapper, Yawg, Verm and a bunch of you from the Yahoo groups that have known me for a long time shared my grief and my pain as some of all that was going on... and wept with me at her loss.

I keep going on, being a single dad, a full-time father AND mother to TT as best I can... and I started the website, www.Angiosarcoma.org to help the other families... as well as the fund raising team, End Of Cycle For Sarcoma for the Ride For Roswell ( www.RideForRoswell.org ) - a pledge drive for the Roswell Park Cancer Institute in Buffalo, NY, that treated her and helped her get the experimental treatment that, sadly, might have saved her life if she'd gotten it a year earlier.

I'm not looking for pity - that's useless to me.
I'm not looking for donations - That's not my way.
I'm not looking for anything except to explain why I say the things I do....

So, you folks watching me.. you couples, no matter what label your relationship has, this message is for you:

If you Love, LOVE! Tell your partner, daily, HOURLY, that you love them.. and you LOVE, deeply, with no restraints or caveats or limitations. GIVE your heart - let it go to your soulmate, and you will find the GREATEST shining pleasure that Life has to offer.

And to you others who, as yet, still don't have your other-half.... They are out there. They will join you and make you whole and so completely blindside you, you will wonder how you ever lived without that person before... Hell, you'll wonder how you lived with your eyes half-open.. your heart, only half-filled.. your soul half-complete all those years.

Fujin was MY Soulmate... My Half... She was my equal, my partner in all things, my TieGress, my pony, my princess, my geisha, my purpose, my submissive, my Heart and my light.

I have said many times before, i do not wish this pain on anyone.. and I mean it. I don't have a martyr complex; its just the truth - no one needs this.

If I could have taken her pain, her disease, so that she could have walked away... I would have, in an instant, unhesitatingly, unequivocally....

So... if you read my comments later.. and I compliment you... or offer to help in something... or whatever.... Please, know that I say it in total honesty with no pretense nor ulterior motives or meaning. My life and mind doesn't play with petty double-meanings or hidden agendas anymore.

So, if you made it this far... I am TRULY grateful and I wish you well, peace, strength and HALF the love we knew.

And to my Fujin, whose ring I still wear 'round my neck.. and will until TT needs it....


Matane, Fujin.... Dream of me.

(Medical Workers, think about HIPPA a moment... it'll all make sense.....)

Today was a nice day - sunny, comfortable... perfect day to get the tandem bike on top of the car, a liberated old bike INTO the car, and take a trip out to the bike shop that I like and trust... it's about a 40 minute drive from where I live... but then again, what isn't for me now?

So, I take the bikes in, get told the tandem will be done right away since they don't have a lot of space to hold it... and the other one is worse than cold shyte. (Well, ok.. fair enough.) After lunch, we get the bikes back in the car to head home.... and I suddenly realize we're going right near Fujin's ObGyn (was the one that birthed TinyTrib) . So I figure, I haven't seen Dr. Rush in a LONG time (almost 5 years, really), why not pop in quick, say hi, show her TinyTribble and head home.

We stop at reception I tell the woman there I obviously don't have an appointment myself, my wife used to be a patient of Dr. Rush's and might I be able to say a quick 30-second Hello to her.

She gives me a baleful look, tells me to wait so she can get the office manager. (O_o) Ok, sure... seems odd, but ok.

The office manager comes out to see me and starts off with:
"Your wife was a patient of ours and now you want to talk to Dr. Rush? In order for the Doctor to talk to you your wife would have to have given us permission to talk to you. Did she already do that? I'm guessing, 'no'." (Dark Stare) (BTW - That was delivered with all the frigidity of a 50's Catholic School Mother Superior with delusions of Godhood.)

If you don't know about my relationship with Fujin already, y'r about to get a huge surprise....

I just looked her in the eyes (not a good sign), smiled predatorially (ditto) and answered, "I don't believe you have any idea about this situation whatsoever; My wife died nearly two years ago...... (Cue $Panic_Stricken_Ashen_Faced_Apologies)

"..... Y'r not having a very good day today, are you?"

Needless to say that office manager now has something to think about, a better appreciation for asking first before jamming both feet to the hips into one's mouth.... AND that Dr. Rush must be a DAMNED fine Doc to have me show up out-of-the-blue just to say a quick hi.

And for the record, she was THRILLED to see TinyTribble, commenting, "Wow! She's gotten so BIG!" (Uhm, Doc... they do that, remember? You were there when she was born.)

[BONUS POINTS: She might sign up / join us for this year's Ride For Roswell - details VERY soon.]

With appreciation to  touchmybadger for inspiration

Valentines Day
A haiku by ShujinTribble....

Once Again it's time.
The day is once again here....
A day that we loved.

I miss you greatly....
My Soulmate. My Rock. My Love.
Without you I'm lost.

My days stretch out far...
My heart reaches out to you...
Forever reaching....

And yet my promise....
My Word Is My Bond to you.
Never will I fail.

Yet again, it's time.
Today is once again here,,,,
A day filled with tears.

I will cry within.
To the world, I am quiet....
So few understand.

My Fujin, My Love.
My One. My Heart. My Only....
Matane, Fujin.

Its the middle of the night; On this Christmas Day
I've still gifts to wrap; So I thought I would say;
Though this year's been a letdown; Far as my mood has been;
I still hold out hope; Ne'er drown it in gin.

But now, fast approaching; Four in the 'morn;
I wish I could go back to when she was born.
Comparatively idyllic; I now know it to be;
Cleaning up poop and cleaning up pee.

But the most treasured of any mem'ry;
Would be of that woman; She who had me.
We fought and we argued; We had our own spats.
Even the fairy tale life wasn't always a gas.

But still, we would check, at the end of the day;
A simple question - "Are we still OK?"
And always the question was answered in full;
With a smile and a kiss and a spoon-hugging pull.

And now, the second Christmas is looming ahead.
And me, sitting here typing, instead of in bed.
Wracking my brains, trying to make my own sense
Of how to write this chapter... It's hor'bly Immense!

I don't expect you all to understand what this is;
I barely have brain power enough to handle this.
And yet, I press on - through no fault of my own;
And gather the gifts I've been hiding at home.

I'll wrap, and I'll tape; And I'll set out the treats.
And TinyTrib's asleep - never hears papa feet.
And, soon after, I'll go up to bed.
Kiss my wife's ring as I lower my head.

I'll cry and I'll sleep, and maybe I'll dream
Of yesteryear's events. Of yesteryear's team.
I'll look in the sky - and I'll wish Fujin well;
And I'll tell her I miss her in my personal Hell.

" 'Ma-tah-NEH', Fujin" I end every day,
Wishing good night in our own special way.
And if by some chance, a Santa there is,
Then maybe, an answer, will be on his list

of presents, too nebulous, for someone too young.
But for Shujin, the gift that he wants - only one.
So here I will ask him, if it isn't too late.
If you can find that I'm deserving - but I'm willing to wait.

I ask for no computers nor orange basketballs.
I ask for nothing tangible - No, nothing at all.
I ask, only this, from my wife far away;
Hell, if it'll help, I might even pray.

Please bring back, to my One Question, the answer;
Bring back to me, a single word from her.
I hope, with all that I am, that the answer is, "Yes";
And that finally, in my mind, I can put this to rest.

The doubts that I've had - Feeling so cold;
That I disobeyed her wishes in a plan so bold.
I know, of course reader, it was for the best.
That what we did was the ultimate test....

But still, to this day, I simply cannot shake
The feeling I might have may the total worst mistake.
It's irrational, it wastes strength.... and I know that it's wrong.
But... you see, kindly reader.... It continues to gnaw.

So there you now have it - Shujin's One Christmas Wish.
I've gifts to be wrapped - and then, a cookie dish.
In the morning I'll wake to my daughter's loud cheers.
I'll groan and roll over... "Daddy! Christmas is HERE!"

I'll get up, we'll open presents in the tree's sparkling glow;
While outside, it's raining. Not a hint of any snow.
And maybe, JUST maybe, as we reach underneath
the tree for more gifts, we'll hear the door wreath;

rattle 'gainst the door - and ringing the bell....
Angel's Wings for Fujin....?

Maybe...

--at last...

Shujin will be spared from his Hell.

I apologize for this one... it was just something I needed to get out of me. I wish you ALL well.... and peace.

Ok, WTF?!

Normally speaking, I don't remember dreaming. Ever.

I know, I know.. we all dream a few times a night. R.E.M. sleep and all... I know.

Well, today I took a mid-day nape with TinyTribble and Bandit in my bed. (Queen size - perfect.)

So at some point, I realize I'm dreaming, looking around my room, and I see Fujin in the doorway. I KNOW this is a dream and I tell her, "This is a dream. Come here!"

She does and I hold her and kiss her gentle, then more.. then DEEPLY... all of about 7 seconds before it fades and I'm awake again....

Yeah, I'm grateful for the chance to hold and kiss her again... but... just TOO short. So short...

Matane, Fujin... Dream of me again.