Hello everyone, this is Chase (chasevrocket); some of you may have known me as Blaze. I'm posting on behalf of Rukus's fiancé, Sable, who is currently in North Carolina visiting with Rukus's family.

I don't know how many of you know me, but Rukus and I have spent a lot of time around each other. We saw each other basically evey day. To escape the loneliness of my condo, I spent my time here with him, Art, Sable, and other roommates/friends who came through the household. He and I had a good relationship and I am honored to have been one of his close friends.

First off, I want to thank everyone for their tremendous support. Rukus didn't think he had many friends, in fact, he sometimes believed that no one actually liked him, but if he is still with us in spirit, then he knows now more than ever how much everyone truly cared about and will miss him.

Rukus's ashes were spread Monday evening outside of Raleigh in North Carolina. Those who contacted Sable were given the address and I thank those who attended. While it is impossible to have a true funeral for Rukus due to lack of monetary means, we will be holding a celebratory wake of his life - a party where we can all get together and be merry about our departed friend - when Sable returns from North Carolina. This will give everyone the opportunity to see each other and trade stories, eat and drink. Obviously, this meet will take place around the Orlando, FL area.

Further details from this point on can be found on Rukus's Live Journal which is being maintained by myself and Sable. His Username is "Rukusu." This account on FA has been graciously open by my friend Dragoneer so that I could post this information for you all to have. So again, please look to his journal for any relative information as there will be no more journals posted here on FA!

Furthermore, if anyone has any pictures with Rukus in them please email them to sablenine@gmail.com. It would mean the world to him.


Wishing you all well,

Chase

Living life is but a dream
Hard times is all we see
Every block is kinda mean
But on our block we still pray
But on our block we still pray...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the emergence of sexual habits and what causes the formulation of specific interests in partners on both a sexual and emotional level. I think it's an attempt to understand and become comfortable with my own sexuality, but I'm also afraid it could be a way to rationalize the abuse that I've endured. Sometimes I don't know how to feel - I'm emotionless. In the past I've just laid there, as if dead, I can't speak and I don't know what I want just that it's happening. I feed into things like being dominated, I get drawn into that pale faced and defenseless vision. Maybe I'm screaming for somebody to protect me. I wish I could understand my feelings.

It's really irritating me lately how people dwell on their "bad lives." I understand the concept of a "bad life." I was forced to have sex with a member of my own family by a 65 year old man, which is one of the lesser painful/damaging things in my life, and that's all I have to really say to clarify the intensity of my life experience. Some people might read this as hypocrisy (stating one of my own damaging moments) but just understand the point is to avoid comments stating things such as, "You wouldn't understand" or "You don't know how hard life is" and other things of that nature, because lol, I assure you that I do.

I understand that people have a need to be validated and have their experiences mean something to the influence that is them - because sometimes difficulties, and problems developed (social, economical, or otherwise) from them, may indeed effect the perceived opinion of the discussed party. An elementary example of this is being teased in grade school over the clothes you wear. It's an unfair judgment, but it happens. Another, more adult example is being judged because you're 23 years old on the outside but because emotional development was stagnant from whatever variety of events in childhood, it took longer to "grow up." Unfortunately the judgment has already been made and you're scum, except to yourself, and then that leads to just hurting. Oh, and years of rebuilding relationships with people who have negative faction standings with you.

Anyway the point of all this is not in the nature of a rant or argument. I just wish people could realize that it's -them- who makes the opinion of themselves that others develop. Playing the victim while telling people how hard your life was/is and listing out all the abusive occurrences in your life will not positively influence anybody's opinion of you. At best, they will pity you, and most likely what will happen is that they will group you in a social caste that you don't want to belong to - ie people who had childhoods around drugs are assumed to be drug addicts as adults. I'm a prime example. That's the most sincere advice I can give.