Long story short, I've basically withdrawn from social media, slowed to a crawl on art and got addicted to video games while I'm working my full-time job. I'm constantly exhausted on a mental, physical and emotional level regarding my finances, my family and my addiction. I'll keep it brief of what I've been dealing with though it is more of the same of my last journal.

My initial plan to sell with a realtor company has failed after half a year of marketing with and dealing with a house flood. However after discussing with a law firm interested in buying my property, I am currently waiting for them to open with their chosen escrow agent. In the meantime I've still been paying my mortgage and HOA fees for a vacant home on top of rent to a close friend which has been a financial burden that my job is barely paying. I'm praying escrow opens very soon!

My foolish father has become too ill to have surgery for his lung cancer, and he is currently surviving with my foreign half-brother who was forced to migrate back to the USA with my dad's citizenship (it's complicated). Once he passes, I am likely going to discuss with my family on our plans for my half brother. I haven't decided if I want to help teach him life skills or if I want to help him obtain citizenship in his childhood country, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I'm back on my BS escaping into video games again. I've relapsed on Destiny 2 which is not helping my case of FOMO to grind for cosmetic items. Even if I am not playing an MMO, I've been playing a lot of retro and modern single player games. I've said multiple times that I really cannot justify the severity of my procrastination habits. That doesn't mean I've lost interest in art, but work has been chaotic with mismanagement and quitting employees. I'm hoping that I reduce my exposure to video games when my stress levels start lowering as one life problem gets tackled at a time.

I'm not seeking help nor am I expecting your patience. I am asking for your understanding, and I want to let you all know that I intend to return to making smutty artworks when I resolve all of my life problems. I want to reestablish weakened bonds with my fellow pals, creators and commissioners upon my return. Heck, maybe I will finally pursue my dream to become a game writer and designer afterwards. Please just wait a little longer as I endure the most difficult year of my life.

Thank you for reading, and I promise to return with content hopefully soon.

-Risque

TL;DR, working and gaming.

Long story since my last update from my house having a hole in the ceiling, that has already been repaired by the offending neighbor. Now I've just been working at my job and trying to sell my stuff online or locally. I've only recently gotten the mental strength to resume drawing after months of stress. I'll admit that I've fallen into a bad habit of gaming throughout this time when I could have been drawing, and for that I am having an admission of guilt for my blunders.

I am unable to properly apologize. My brother once taught me that to be truly sorry is to promise the mistake will not be repeated, but I can't promise do that at this time. I am praying that I can soon prove to myself and you guys with my actions so you can believe it when you do see it.

After this week of work I'll be off from my job for the rest of May, and this weekend I'm visiting my home state to check up on my father and his chemotherapy, my second nephew's birthday and just being with my family and a friend. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to ask my family for financial help when they themselves are not in a good position but I've become desperate enough to consider pleading them for help.

For context, I've recently moved in with a roommate and I'm paying for my mortgage of my property and rent to them so it's financially taxing. With the state of the economy and the blunders of my HOA, selling my condominium has become increasingly difficult where I'm forced to make compromises in hopes of trying to break away from my financial anchor.

So what are my plans? After my visit to my family, I'm going to start working on owed commissions. Maybe I'll consider opening for commissions with my current price sheet one last time before I also raise prices. I'm hoping to start another Bardis Mayternity freebie giveaway while concurrently working on older submissions from last year, but I'm contemplating on handling it differently (i.e. art stream participants). I'm also considering promoting a sort of donation platform for some income (completely optional) but I'm not sure whether to go with Ko-Fi or BuyMeACoffee for this.

Thank you for reading. I'll stay in touch soon.

[EDIT] I'm off for two weeks of work, not months. I was typing in a rush.

I've had a very rough February so far. The rainstorm in Las Vegas on February 13th had caused me to hydroplane and crash one of my front wheels into a curb and a large rock causing damage to my tire rim. Thankfully I was able to get this repaired by switching the rim of my spare tire, but now that means I'm out of a spare tire so I cannot afford another car accident again. While my car situation had been salvaged from the rainstorm, the same cannot be said for my bottom condominium unit I'm trying to sell.

That same rainstorm has caused severe water flooding into my home specifically the ceiling. This is likely caused by my condominium property's roof to have a hole that has flooded into the upstairs unit which has flooded my unit beneath it. At first I thought the damage was significant and not dangerous until the ceiling in my empty main bedroom had collapsed by the morning of the 15th. I have notified my homeowner association and my home insurance company regarding this issue. Unfortunately for me I am forced to remove my home off the housing market so I'm unable to sell my property as it is until the house receives the repair it desperately needs.

With my income I barely make enough to cover for the mortgage and HOA fees but not for the bills as I am the only occupant of my house. I may potentially have to evacuate into my local friend's home sooner rather than later like no later than today due to the risk of house mold and more debris. I didn't want to keep my clients waiting on commission and art trades, but I need to address this issue. The stroke of bad luck has been hitting my mental strength making it harder for me to disciplining myself to do the required tasks I need to do. All I can ask is for more patience. I promise that I will return to art as quickly as possible, but I feel it is important to let all of you know that will not be anytime soon.

I'm really sorry to let you guys down like this.

Personally I've been living in Las Vegas for over three years now so I'm personally fine, but my family in Southern California are currently at risk in what is one of the worst wildfire in recent history. I'm personally worried about them even if their home isn't considered in the evacuation zone which could change at anytime. I may have to cancel my house selling if they need a place to stay.

Just updating my thoughts and plans. Today is the first day I go back to work but on a short shift for today and tomorrow. Also getting a handyman to do minor repairs for the condominium I'm trying to sell.

In short, I'm selling my house, moving in with a friend, and dealing with my dad's cancer. I thought to give a summary of most things I'm going through and my plans to resolve most of my ongoing obstacles and issues.

The beginning of 2024 was a new start though because I began working at a campus barista job under school hours on top of managing a condominium co-owned with my busy younger sister. I've admittedly relapsed into playing multiplayer games with my online mutuals and close friends during the middle of 2024. I know that isn't what a lot of my watchers wanted to hear, but the truth is that I have been neglectful of my art due to severe burnout.

December of 2024 is the most chaotic time of my life balancing my work, vacations and visitations. Back in November my formally-estranged father was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer. My dad wanted to reconcile with my older sister who is temporarily staying in Japan. I agreed to join him on his trip and bought my flight tickets so I could visit my sister and best friend in Tokyo however due to his health declining rapidly he could not travel overseas. At the very least most of my expenses were covered by my family so it was manageable.

Midwest Furfest 2024 was a bit of a lonely trip this time around since my usual friend group opted to abstain that time around. I figured that would be a decent time to see if I can find a nice lady to sleep with. The murrsuit meetup event at MFF taught me that my conversational skills are fine enough but rather the odds of hooking up with an AFAB woman were very low as a straight man (the girls were either curious with their partners, curious on their own or are sapphic looking to hook up with other girls). Still, this did boost my confidence as a conversationalist, but yeah looks like I'm going to be a virgin for a little while longer. I'm holding out hope I'll find a girl that would give me a chance!

After returning from Illinois, I had only the morning to clean up the house and convince my house photographer to take the pictures before I flew out to the Haneda Airport by midnight. I've enjoyed my time in Japan for the most part including visiting every Nintendo Store in Japan, joining my best friend at the Monster Hunter Hunter's Bar, and visiting a secretive game developer cafe with my older sister. I did not like getting stuck in unexpected Osaka lodgings (also don't ever miss your prepaid bus in Japan). Then after returning back to US I visited my family in California to check up on my dad which he has only received chemo therapy recently. Now that 2024 is over, I will resume work at my barista job in the middle of January to rebuild my financial savings.

So for 2025 my current plans are as follows: once I sell my house and move in with a close friend of mine, I plan on finding a new and manageable part-time job that will be closer to my new place and give me more time to relax just like before. That way I'll have time to recuperate AND restart my art passion. I would be interested in reopening commissions again but will be simplifying my process, but I won't be able to open until all of my ongoing commissions are completed. As for my love life, I think I will start attending furry meetup groups or hang around video game themed attractions.

So there you have it. That's the journal. Happy New Year of 2025.

Long story short, I'm preparing to put my condominium for sale to free myself from homeowner responsibility.

Full story is that recently two of my roommates have moved out this month, so I'm now making the decision to sell my home and move in with a close friend of mine. Art from me will resume soon!

Please help my pal  TheDeadTimeZone! They recently moved away from their family (Info Here) and are looking for commissioners. They have great prices like flat colored character for $40 USD or a full render character for $80 USD!

TheDeadTimeZone's Commission Prices

Continuation from the last journal.

Been wanting to make this journal for a while. I think I'm putting a pause on actively searching for a girlfriend until my house situation improves since I've been wanting to move out of my problematic condominium projects for a while now. I've been feeling like I have not made myself financially and wittingly desirable as a suitor, but perhaps this is the wrong way of thinking about attracting potential partners especially if I don't want to have a materialistic relationship. Maybe once in a while if I notice any interest I'll take a chance, but for now partner seeking will no longer be my priority until I feel I can get my life straightened out. Thanks for reading my brief thoughts and stay safe out there.

I'm slowly turning prehistoric...

I'm aware I'm making yet another journal other awkward straight guys complained about and potentially making myself unappealing but this is a recurring frustration and anxiety about sharing my life with a partner not just in the furry fandom but generally.

I'm aware that I'm still young enough to find a girlfriend, but as the years pass me by the fear of never finding myself a significant other grows stronger. It's not that I never had a date before but I've never had a successful date that followed up a genuine attempt to connect.

Every time I ask for dating advice from successful couples it's always the same conclusion: Don't. As in "don't look for love because it will only find you." Ironic because if I'm desperate for love then that seems like I'm doomed to forever repel anyone I have romantic interest.

I look at straight couples and clap for them. I often admit my jealousy of what they have. I often look to myself trying to fight the intrusive thoughts that I'm not good enough for any woman whether it's financial security, attractive behavior or loyalty to be a supportive man.

I always knew there needs to be more than kindness, respect and communication in a working relationship. There needs to be intrigue, competency and openness to maintain that level of trust for both parties which is something I don't think I have.

For as long as I've remembered I've been told by my friends and family that I've had creep tendencies whenever I approach women I easily become infatuated with. I never had parental figures guide me on how to shoot my shot with potential love interests and I've always been weird.

I've always fantasized about the idea of having the love of my life and raising children together, but I'm always scared how I would ruin being the perfect father let alone the perfect husband with my frugal, absent-minded and bizarre personality. Doesn't help I draw fetish art.

This whole journal may make me sound entitled which is not what I wanted to convey but rather to voice my feelings and vulnerability about how I perceived myself towards friends, acquaintances and strangers. I appreciate anyone that has taken the time of their day reading my vent.

Pardon the sudden and unsolicited trauma overthinking dumping if that's what it's called (Edit: This isn't actually trauma, sorry for using that term too loosely). I'm just exhausted from work and got jealous of one of my co-workers today. I'll be resuming art as soon as tomorrow after a good night's rest! Thank you all for being patient with me!! 🥰

Update continuation here.

2023 has been one of the scariest years of my life. I lost my original barista job of three years back in April due to my struggle with attendance after the company acquisition with stricter policies. Since then I had a falling out with a former third roommate, a bad flirting experience at BLFC 2023, and several broken expensive devices including my smartphone. At the very least I secured a seasonal job mid-Fall and a new relatable third roommate after Christmas so it wasn't all bad, but I suffered severe art burnout due to the exhaustion of holiday retail work and reuniting with family for past two months.

Now in 2024 my retail job had severely reduced my work hours so I applied for a new full-time barista job (same company, different branch). I got hired for full-time for weekday work so I will be available on the weekends! I just need to finish the remaining paperwork to make my cafe employment official. This tremendously helped regain my confidence and comfortably with my financial stability which is why you have seen me suddenly posting three colored sketches just the other day. Technically if this job works out I won't need to work on furry art for money anymore and I can just draw whatever I want like I used to. However I don't plan on putting my commissions services on hiatus, and I want to continue to help bring your ideas to life at an affordable price.

For those that are still waiting for their commission turn, I aim to finish my current commission queue by spring. I need to figure out my new work routine and manage my willpower so I can resume delivering your ideal artworks. Although I have not taken any payments from my commissioners waiting for their sketches, I understand if financial circumstances have changed or that you found an artist more suitable for your production. I hold no hard feelings if you wish to cancel your slot due to my unsatisfactory work ethics.

For those interested in commissioning my art services, I will slightly be raising my commission prices after few more batch opening announcements. I'll will let you guys know ahead of time when my next opening will have revised prices. I understand if this news is upsetting and I apologize for the inconvenience. For those that I had split a commission with other artists in exchange for my art trade, you guys have waited long enough therefore I will be in contact with you as soon as I can likely after I finalize the sketch of the first commission.

I do have higher hopes with 2024 going forward. I've been wanting to rejoin the indie video game industry and create interactive story-driven adventures. Whether I shift my priorities to indie game development or double down on anthro illustrations, I hope show you guys my (sexy) projects down the line. Thank you for taking the time to read my journal.

I'm recovering from a cold since Christmas, but I want to apologize to the followers of my artwork for the drought. Even working at my seasonal job it was inexcusable to neglect my commissioners and art traders since November. I aim to resume drawing soon. Thank you for patience.

Ever since Twitter Circles and Mutuals-Only replying existed on this platform, my FOMO to become social has been on overdrive. I realize there are so many people I thought I was mutuals with are not the case, and I get to miss out on conversations and giveaways. This is so wrong. I get that people have the right to choose who can and can't interact with them, but to be shut down from any chances of interacting with my idols I've admired for years makes me feel like an outsider to them and their follower base. I know I can't be everyone's friend, but still. Worst part is I've neglected my mutuals because I'm hyperfixating on those I can't interact with. This mindset of wanting every secret clubhouse access is spreading me thin. This platform is poisoning my mind and I ignore political tweets. I will focus on my friends that matter.

Pardon for getting this out of my thoughts. I wouldn't put it past any specific mutual that is no longer comfortable following me after reading my vent. Thank you for reading. No one man should make too many connections lest they shall never find time to invest their friendships.

This has been copied from my SFW Twitter which is why my texts seem brief and compressed.

So recently I had to close commissions due to having a new convenience store job which had been giving me a lot more work for what is lesser pay. It had thrown off my days of relaxation and I'm finding myself having lesser time to get around to doing errands. That's not going to fly with someone that has ADHD and constant choice paralysis. I personally don't mind the tasks of cashier and logistics, but in my area shoplifters are prevalent because of drug abusers (I work closer to the center of Las Vegas) and my employers are expecting me to catch them while under heavy workloads. That's insane especially on days we're understaffed.

I'll be requesting fewer work hours so I can go back to the things that matter to me the most and I could get back into the freelance artist life. Plus with two roommates now living with me I can afford to not rely on my job as much. I really want to apologize to my commissioners for not being able to return to your commission on a timely manner. Thank you guys for your patience and I promise I will get them all done by this month or your money back back guaranteed.

Tonight I spotted a journal regarding a question about an artist's decline in visibility with their audience, so I am reposting my thoughts here. Perhaps I'm 'preaching to the choir', but I believe there are still a select few furry enthusiasts that are still unaware of the current issues that is plaguing the art community that could use my insight about the condition of the community. Feel free to engage this journal in agreement or correction, or don't. This is mainly to help organize my thoughts about the anthropomorphic art community and the struggles of selling furry art as a luxury service.

There are a lot of factors going against several freelancers losing visibility and commissioners looking for cheaper options. The global recession is forcing creators to increase their prices and commissioners to change their spending priorities towards fewer artists in their budget range. Not only that but most social media platforms (especially Twitter) are forcing algorithm recommendations to users which can lower priority for artists especially if they post art nudity and porn artworks.

Some users are also resorting to artificial-intelligence generated art for creating pieces. We are in a renaissance of AI artworks and deepfake voices which has yet to be properly regulated by governments. AI content uses stolen art assets without the permission of hard-working creators that put effort into their projects. AI should always be used as a reference tool but never the final product. Heck, I even used someone else's AI generated picture as a REFERENCE to create an artwork of that character FROM SCRATCH with my artistic changes (Also AI-generated content and prompts does not file under USA copyright meaning I'm the first that has drawn that character by hand SO THAT CHARACTER IS TECHNICALLY MINE TO TAKE).

Art has and always will be a competitive environment, and many artists have chosen to take any advantage to work with the platform system and economics. I've seen creators strongarm their viewers to see the exclusive uncensored versions on their creator platforms like Patreon or SubscribeStar (and keeping exclusive there never posting them publicly). Unfortunately, artists are forced to choose between ethical practices to build their fan base slowly and generously, or adapt with the competition that uses temptation tactics to cater to paying customers for uncensored access for profit leaving out frugal users that are not likely able to afford access.

I did not believe I had a lot to say about the difficult landscape that is freelance furry art creation until I had typed this out. In conclusion, the artwork environment has become much more competitive than ever before with algorithms suppressing viewership, AI content becoming an unregulated solution and the economic recession forcing freelancers to strongarm and buyers to finding the cheapest solution in order to survive. Like it or not I am playing this game of life like everyone else. It's always been a crazy world, but as people we must adapt to such struggles not because we should but because we must.

Thanks for coming to my Risque Talk. I try to not get political, but I can't deny that I have some strong opinions of my own.

Until further notice, commission orders to me are temporarily closed until I'm notified of my next days off. My new job be putting me to WORK (I'm a convenience store associate now)!

In other news I finally secured a third local roommate. Hopefully we all can get along and sing kumbaya for years to come! This also means I'll have enough funds to maintain and repair parts of the condominium!

Making a quick update for myself as I try to get my life back on track.

Looking For A New Home
- My current HOA raised their fees by 20% this year, and I now feel that I am overpaying for my occupation in this condominium project. I plan on house hunting this month and apply for down-deposit relief for my next home. Three months in they still haven't repaired the jacuzzi nor the clubhouse. I should have researched the property reviews prior.

Plans to Seek New Employment
- Ever since the transition phase of my barista employer, my work schedule has been cutting hours and support has been decaying. Strict clock-in rules are one thing, but the removal of the lunch discount program was the last straw. After I relocate to a new house, I'm going to look for new local work with hours to support my new mortgage.

I'm Opening Commissions This Month!
- Because of the previous item mentioned above, I'm opening commissions for the first time! All the details you need will be both in the header and commission page. I'm actually embarrassed to be opening them without a proper commission price sheet, but expect a commission example sheet sometime this month!

Game Development Passive Until Relocation
- My dream game project will be on official hiatus until I sort out my financial stability especially if I'm going to be opening for commissions. I vow to return to my working title Project Maiden in the soon future, but until I'm settled in a better house with a stable job, this will have to be on the backburner indefinitely.

I'm not great at remembering commitment nor keeping motivation to draw and improve, but my plans are slowly in effect. Thank you for reading!

HOA raising their fees (embezzlement probably) this week, and my job cutting its discounted lunch program today. It's been a fairly stressful month after my furry convention vacation. I am already looking into switching to a new house early 2023. Roommate ads are on hold for now.

Sorry if this isn't news any of my followers want to hear. I will try my best to get back into drawing again, but I have been stressed out for this past week.

After some rest and recreation, I don't feel as confused about my situation anymore. However a bunch of rare commission openings popped up, so I jumped on that wagon to reserve and buy a few slots (Fear-Of-Missing-Out, am I right) so you will see some content coming in slowly but surely.

• Nature is healing at work. All of my coworkers have recovered from COVID-19 meaning schedules should begin to stabilize soon, although our newest barista bailed when people started getting sick.
• Condominium document signings are going slowly but smoothly. Despite the rental restriction clause in the condo, I will be seeking roommates with mutuals and friends that intend on moving to Las Vegas, Nevada. I will create a separate journal and Twitter post announcement when I begin seeking roommates. I *kind of* would like to start an art house, but I'll take anyone familiar.
• For the time being I have packed my drawing tablet and do not plan on drawing until I have moved everything due to packing up my belongings after the flash flood that occurred in Las Vegas. I want to apologize to anyone I promised an art gift or trade, but I really hope to have this move done by the end of August or beginning of September!
• Boost Mobile has activated my SIM card behind my back screwing me out of porting my current phone number. I plan on calling them today and refute this. I'd hate to be "that customer" but I have never seen such unprofessionalism with activating a phone properly. It is very likely that they refuses to take accountability and me charging back due to their malicious practices (doubt I'll win my case).

I know this is boring news, but I want to update those that are curious about what I am up to. Art and game development will eventually resume, so I ask those that miss my artworks to please wait a little bit longer!

I can't believe I'm making this journal, but as of July 18th of 2022 I thought I should let all of my mutuals and acquaintances know that I'm going through a lot of things right now. Some good, some bad, and some ugly.

• My family and I are looking into investing in a condo home for me to live in. I've never done any loans before and I'm currently waiting on my bank statement to hand to my loan agent so I can get ready to put a down-payment. Until I know what my future budget is going to be from there on, I am putting a halt to seeking commissions aside from the queues that I am currently in.
• My car registration in one state expired a few weeks ago, and I have all the documents ready (especially auto insurance) to get my vehicle registered in the state that I currently live in. I am locked into an appointment but I've neglected to notify my employer of my appointment so I'm going to attempt getting that done via walk-in on my only day off tomorrow before my moving permit expires next month.
• In my current job there is a huge turn-over in staff especially in upper management due to family issues and disgruntlement, so I'm being asked to work more than what I wanted my hours to be due to understaffing which is making objectives very difficult for me to clear which is making me anxious. Sure I'm making more money that will help with my down-payment but I'm losing out on my piece-of-mind. Everything should be fine in a month once we get a permanent manager and supervisor replacements. Until then, I'll be too drained to work on either my artworks or my game projects efficiently.
• A month ago I bought two used phones from two different buyers on OfferUp.com (don't make this mistake as I did). The first phone turned out to be carrier-locked which I regrettably agreed to buy after finding out. The second purchase however became a total nightmare after I discovered the phone to not only have a broken touch screen but now the phone refuses to use my carrier after reformatting, so now I am having difficulty setting up a small claims case against a seller that has essentially scammed me due to false advertisement. Like the point above, I'm being asked to work a lot more which makes looking for legal help difficult on my end as well as getting OfferUp's cooperation if I don't have a legal representative case to hand me the second seller's information TO start a small claims case. I just want my $360 back, man.
• I bought these pre-owned phones because my current phone is on its last legs, so I'm hoping to bite the bullet and use the carrier-locked phone anyway. The problem is the carrier its locked to is Boost Mobile, and they have the most unhelpful service I've ever had the displeasure to work with (nothing against the tired workers). I was sent a faulty SIM card which was unusually assigned a phone number when I wanted to port my current phone number, so I've contacted customer service multiple times and have a pending case for a SIM card replacement. If this goes on for another month with no success, I'm threatening to charge-back my purchase due to their lack of service that I paid for an entire year for and will be attempting to sell this carrier-locked phone.

Hopefully I can resolve each of these events in my life one at a time so I can open for commissions like I wanted. I didn't think living on my own in an unfamiliar state would be this difficult, but that's what's being an adult is about, right? It's all a learning experience, and as long as I'm still breathing I can still overturn the obstacles in my life. I just wish I had more support on focusing my own goals, but sometimes you have to learn how to handle your own problems even if it means making a lot of mistakes. Take whatever support people are willing to lend you in life because you never know when their help becomes limited or worse unobtainable.

Thank you for reading to those that are on the rare lookout for me. I hope to return to the scalie (and furry) community again soon.

Well, it's that time of year, only this one marks my third decade of existence as of this posting.

I've been quiet for a while now for various reasons, mainly that I got distracted while I was working on my game development project. Unfortunately said game project deadline is a failure, but this doesn't mean I will give up. I did however promise to some people that I will resume furry art after my birthday, and I've been considering opening for commissions soon, but I need to create a proper visual price sheet before I dip my toes into the freelancer world part-time.

Anyway, thank you guys for enjoying my arts and my commissions, and I hope to catch up with some of my mutuals and friends again.

Holding this for future use. Don't mind this journal. But the next one is actually the birthday journal.

Something. Birthday post further down.

That's it. Just wanted to say Happy New Year to you guys!

This year's resolution I plan on buckling down and work on my game project with a playable dungeon by my next birthday. Maybe I'll open for commissions someday, who knows? Just gotta focus on my new life here in Nevada! Here's hoping I'll find a girlfriend this year too!

Last updated: May 3, 2024
My commission list because I'm forgetful.


Commission Work Queue: (Details on my Trello)
• DragonAutie
• Tiepilot
• Seargit
• Sirgir
• Blokeofthemen

My Bought Personal Commissions:
• N/A

"Pump the breaks!"