"I'LL KILL FIVE OF YOU!!!!!" he shouts.

"I humbly request vaginal clearance."

...That Homestar Runner used to be a thing.

None of you understand! You all understand!

As it turns out, this journal isn't nearly as saucy as you'd think.

If you played PC games back at the turn of the century, you probably played Diablo 2: A game often imitated but never duplicated, not even by Blizzard themselves. If you've played it, you probably get the basic gist of what Marvel Heroes is about: Beating up bad guys and taking their stuff so you can beat up bigger bad guys and take their stuff. The game had a fairly tepid launch, but the development team have been busting their balls and it's now a wonderfully dense title filled with explosions and fun play mechanics.

Give it another try if you wrote it off at the start or haven't even given it a look yet - Especially if you're a fan of Marvel in any capacity. The license is used to full effect and there's a huge roster of playable heroes, right down to Squirrel Girl. Seriously, you haven't lived until you've sent a gangbanger ragdolling into orbit with a typhoon of angry squirrels. They fucking FLY.

New life goal: Call one of those Jersey Shore types 'Super Mario Sunshine' to his face.

You may not even realize it! Consider this shocking truth: It is entirely likely that the secret to human immortality will be discovered and perfected within most of our lifetimes. If you can just live 30, maybe 40 more years, you won't have to die at all! Yet... Human life is as fragile as it ever was, isn't it? We're all one nasty accident away from losing our chance at eternity. What a shame it would be to come so close to the stars only to fade from existence at the last possible moment.

...I'm sure we'll all be fine, though. Haha!

Kinda gettin' into it. It's a big dumb Warcraft card game. Also, if you happen to play WoW on Moonguard, be on the lookout for a Worgen DK by the name of Aluinn!

EH HU HU HWEH URRRRRRPPPPPP. UH HWEH EH HU. UH-HWEH. URRRRRRRRRRP. HU!

EH HWEH! ECH!

*Spit*

URRRRRRRPPPPPP.

I'm just so happy for you right now. I love each and every one of you, except for the one weird guy who occasionally notes me about crushing. I don't even have any of that stuff in my gallery, guy.

What a beautiful world we live in, where we can do things like breathe and have fun with friends. Goodness, look at the time. I don't even know what time it is. That's how much fun I've been having with you tonight. Know that you're welcome here and that I'll always have two shoulders for you to cry on. That means you're covered if you ever grow an extra head, and that's what true friendship is. I love you; I think you're very special and we're all so very blessed to be born into this life on our beautiful blue planet.

My favorite bugs are spiders. They kind of scare me, but I like the way they kill.

I'm sure you've been reading my journals for a while now - That means you're interested in what I have to say, which means you're a good friend. I'm not sure what I did to deserve you, but know that I'll always be here to hold your hand when things get rough. I owe you that much. We all owe one another that much. This holiday season, let's all take a moment to step back and consider the thoughts and feelings of our fellow man.

May the universe cast the warm light of her gaze upon you. I've been thinking about it lately, and isn't it a bit strange that homosexual men also come out of vaginas? As a primarily gay man, I have very little interest in the vagina, but I guess it wouldn't be any better to come from a butt or a mouth. You could get hurt if you came out of someone's mouth! They're typically full of teeth and those teeth can be razor sharp if the one giving birth happens to be a vampire. Always practice safe sex, even when you're gay.

Nobody needs to know about this. It'll be our little secret, yours and mine. I'll get the extra shovel, sit down here so the tarp doesn't blow away.

Was in the hospital visiting with someone today. Swear to God, this Indian doctor introduced herself as Project Blammo. I'm sure it was actually something like Prah'jeyt Bilamo, but that's what I heard and that's what I want to have heard.

Project Blammo. What a fucking awesome name.

So my aunt was visiting this one time and she had a bumper sticker that said "Single but looking" so I cut an extra T out of a magazine and pasted it on.

SINGLE BUTT LOOKING

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I mean, women have this hole that you're meant to stick stuff in and men have this big floppy dingus that gets all hard so it can get stuck in. I demand sexual uniformity of the universe.

ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, MAKE UP YOUR MIND

I photograph medical equipment. Not like, animals or sweeping vistas or horrible disasters or anything like that. I don't even cover wars. I just take pictures of Grandma's breathing machines and that one knobby part of her fancy adjustable bed. Was called up to start with about 14 hours notice a couple'a days ago. I think this is probably the single most boring full time job a person could possibly have, but it pays well enough.

I normally wouldn't write about something so mundane, but I didn't want my stalker getting worried about me. I'm okay! I miss you! Never come near me again! Love you!

I'm horny as hell. Sorry if I look at anyone's butt. It just, you know, it gets crowded in here and my eyes, they wander. Sorry.

What? No, sorry, sorry, that was my dick, haha. It's totally cool if you want to touch it.

Oh, look at that, a condom fell out of my pocket. How embarrassing! Haha.

Seriously though, it's lubricated.

It's really, really good. Not just as an MMO, but as a Final Fantasy game. It's a return to form for the series, so go pick it up if you're in the mood for a satisfyingly old school JRPG story. It's polished from stem to stern, the combat is less spastic than WoW's and there's fantastic animation/audio feedback on every hit so you always know exactly what's going on.

I will say that it's something of a slow burner in that you won't have a real sense of what your class is capable of until midway through the thirties, so give it some time if levels 1-10 are seeming overly simplistic. If you're already playing/going to play, feel free to come find me on Balmung! I'm Rifter Dask, a level 46 Monk.

Refresh this journal that you might understand.

I love this thing.

I JUST DRANK THIS STARBUCKS KOOLAID MIX THIS SHIT GOES DOWN HARD GUYS I FEEL JUICED AS FUCK I'M GONNA GO DO 200 SQUATS AND HEADBUTT A FUCKING SEMI

GET HYPE

Took her to the vet, got her vaccinated, deloused and tested. She's now in the loving hands of a former co-worker who owns three other cats. I feel pretty damn good about having helped the poor little thing, but damn if it wasn't stressful.

Please, no more kitties for a while. My heart can't take it.

I've been adopted by a seven week old kitten. She's a beautiful little thing; good natured too. Maybe a little skittish. I'm allergic and I live on a busy road, so nobody's being done any favors by my keeping her. Which sucks, because I'm really starting to care about the poor thing.

Anyone in the Louisville area want a kitty? :|

I'm going to invade your personal space until the sexual tension is so thick as to be unbearable. Or until you punch me.

I get my rocks off either way.

You know, now that dudes can marry dudes in the US. Anybody? Anybody? Little celebratory marriage?

Right now, I'm leaning pretty heavily toward "MY FIGHT MONEY!" I will go to my grave quoting an old ass fighting game, yepyep.

If you have a 3DS and like chill games about hanging out with your animal pals, go get it. I'd say it's worth getting even if you're a veteran of the series, there's just so much new stuff to do and the online functionality is actually great this time around.

My friend code is 3952 8077 9783. Feel free to add me, we'll go fishing and we can maybe fuck later if you want. Not like, in the game though. That'd be weird.

I'ma just gonna leave this here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRwBh7HZdak

Sony just destroyed Microsoft onstage. Games out the ass, full used game support, no always online DRM checks, lower multiplayer pricepoint and $399. Xbox, go home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWSIFh8ICaA