Just to let you guys know, things are getting a lot better since I wrote my last journal. I got a new job at Amazon, and I will start working in two weeks. I was able to revive my Twitter account, even though I don't use it as often. I'm also seeking treatment for my depression.

I plan to revive my FA account and use it for making character adopts. I already bought the bases from Chesta. I am starting to design a few characters for people to adopt at $10 each.

I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise in my last entry to upload what I posted on Twitter. I have been away from Furaffinity for a while. I found it easier to post on Twitter anyway. On FA, I had to make sure to give a description, accurate tags, and the proper maturity filters where necessary. Not to mention, I needed to make sure the picture was a small enough file to upload. I thought Twitter was an easier approach to show my art, and at the time it was. All I had to do was post the picture, and that was it. I was pretty lazy about posting art. Little did I know of the tragedies that I was left unprepared for.

Not to long after I posted the last journal entry, I found out that my favorite teacher's youngest son, who was a friend of mine since I was in kindergarten, died in a car crash caused by a drunk driver. I spent weeks filled with hatred toward the drunk driver, imagining hundreds possible way that I could kill him or make him suffer. Of course, I had no idea where he was, so I felt helpless to do anything about it. The uncontrollable feelings of revenge, grief and helplessness triggered a really bad case of depression that made my creativity come to a complete halt. At the same time, I was enrolled in a Technical college. After the tragic car accident, I struggled with my school work, and I dropped out when the coronavirus reached my state. I also was unable to get a job and gained enough weight to be borderline obese.

Last month, things got so bad for me that I attempted suicide, and failed. After that, I talked with a lot of people on Twitter and finally noticed how toxic they can get due to the politics, the coronavirus, and the BLM movement. People were so mean to me for no apparent reason that I took it out on my old car with a shovel and permanently deleted my Twitter account. To this day, I no longer have an account on that awful website. Luckily, all of my art I posted is still stored on my phone, which I might or might not post on FA.

The only thing that kept me going was my access to VRChat. Looking like whatever I wanted while talking to hundreds of people around the world in similar situations with similar interests was a dream come true for me. I started using VRChat last December before hell broke loose in 2020, and it did bring back some of my creativity later on, but not in the same form as it did last year. Now I am learning to customize avatars for VRChat. It is basically like coloring 3D models. Sure, It may not be as creative as drawing like I used to do, but it is what I currently enjoy doing.

Overall, 2020 was the worst year I've ever had, but not everything about it was bad. I also don't think I was the only one who had a difficult year.

Writing this was not easy for me, since it took me hours to write. I apologize for the excessive rant in this entry. I needed to get this off my chest. I also wanted to let everyone here know why I was on such a long hiatus. Feel free to leave me a comment, but please be respectful. I'm still having a hard time, so any kind words will be appreciated.

-Redclayrob

I have a lot of artwork that I haven't uploaded in 2019, so to celebrate the new year I'm going to start showing my art from 2019. A lot of art can be found on Twitter redclayrob.