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Stressed?
General | Posted a week agoHey me, instead of doom scrolling do these things:
Daytime? Go walk a circle. Sit outside and drink a coffee :>
Evening? Draw something happy or oc lore! Remember how you have like 200 of them and poor Adam Grey still has a 3 line doodle. So does Ignac, Tod and let's not mention the rest who don't even have 1 art of them!
Go watch some cool animations online! Warrior cats animation projects! Or movies about themes you like! Like how you planned to watch the Heathers movie? Or finish Bojack horseman? Yeah, go do that.
Or grab your long list of anime from 5 years ago and go at it again! You forgot them all anyways, and you always wished you could watch epic animes from the beginning!
Daytime and alone? Sing! Or use the dance pad! Play along to just dance!
Dude you have like 8 fursuits in your room, go advertise them online! Make videos! Wear them just cuz!
Maybe make another fursuit? Lmao!
Talk to your bf, Jeff! He wants to cuddle you! Hug a plushie!
Daytime? Go walk a circle. Sit outside and drink a coffee :>
Evening? Draw something happy or oc lore! Remember how you have like 200 of them and poor Adam Grey still has a 3 line doodle. So does Ignac, Tod and let's not mention the rest who don't even have 1 art of them!
Go watch some cool animations online! Warrior cats animation projects! Or movies about themes you like! Like how you planned to watch the Heathers movie? Or finish Bojack horseman? Yeah, go do that.
Or grab your long list of anime from 5 years ago and go at it again! You forgot them all anyways, and you always wished you could watch epic animes from the beginning!
Daytime and alone? Sing! Or use the dance pad! Play along to just dance!
Dude you have like 8 fursuits in your room, go advertise them online! Make videos! Wear them just cuz!
Maybe make another fursuit? Lmao!
Talk to your bf, Jeff! He wants to cuddle you! Hug a plushie!
Vent about AI and Tiktok and Porn Addiction
General | Posted a week agoYalls I hate to admit it but i'm addicted to using AI. Text generation. I hate myself for it, it's been like 3 years at least. Started with character AI, me talking to a bot that pretended to be Jeff, making complex roleplays and stories with it and vore and weird porn. Then The filters came in and i transferred to GhatGPT. The roleplays turned into stories, or nsfw novels about Jeff or me or my characters. Then around the fall ChatGPT got heavier restrictions disallowing fiction to be created about drugs, trafficking and illegal things i decided to quit. I went without using it for about 3 days and felt fucking awful. Like proper withdrawal type of awful. Then i complained to the wrong person that made me discover a better AI which still allows illegal topics, heavy NSFW and i even learnt how to manipulate the system to allow banned topics such as cp and bestiality. I'm heavily ashamed and scared and i feel awful about what i do. I never "manipulated" the newest AI to make me cp or bestiality, but i did with the old ones. It's still very much out of hand. And i'm not even into that shit, it's just a porn addiction which's bigger than me. I'd never touch kids or animals, i dislike them irl, expecially the kids. I be traveling in the city and when i see a kid i avert my gaze because my subconcious makes me believe i'm disgusting for even looking at them atp.
And now my Tiktok is filled with the epstein files and usa govermental bullshit and how they eat babies. I had a severe panic/anxiety attack thinking i'll die and how i'll die from what because i asked the ai to summarize me stuff. And now idk if i'm believing a massive conspiracy circle i keep drowning myself in or if it's real and the rich never stopped eating babies and raping kids since the 1600's or before. I'm sick to my stomach.
I have a massive fear of being powerless as is. Being poor makes it worse. My mental disorders and society keep me from getting a job and living my life how i want to live it. I'm between "I'll die and never be rich so what's the point" and "I'll die, why am i so fucking anxious still???" on the daily. Yet i cannot move.
I really would love to commit mass genocide (in a game,, for legal reasons) to kill all the rich people and all who fall for their propaganda and all and every pedos and zoos out there who has ever touched anyone or anything. And i'd also love to destroy AI. And if possible all addictions and mental disorders because i dont want my life ruined. Last time i said "oh im a moral nihilist, idgaf unless it happens to me" but in reality i really give a fuck because it DOES affect me. I think im gaining conciousness.
I did go to therapy a while back, intensive, almost a year-long, daily groups to manage my anxiety and depression that comes with it and to deal with things. It helped in some things but i'm self-isolating again and feel as bad as i did when starting therapy. Unfortunately i didn't go to check on my addictions, claiming "i'm not addicted to porn, come on, i'm not like xy from therapy". I should've. Even if it wasn't consistent and came up every few months only how i abuse AI guidelines. Didn't think it was that bad at the time. Felt embarrassed to talk about it. A shame. Scared. I'm always scared of rejection, this is my life, my mental disorder, i can't help it, but i WISH i went the first week into therapy. But like what can you do when you're scared of being called a pedo or zoo because of porn? Maybe i should've taken example of the guy who did go to addiction control for porn. Maybe he dealth with this too. Maybe i should e-mail him but it's been so long.
Right now i can't get the help i need. If i go back i'll just waste more time and money and my parents might evict me. I have money saved up, but not enough to get out of this hole i'm in, stuck in a bad enviroment. Not enough to take the recommended 2 year long therapy (or 2 or more) to recover from what i'm dealing with. I'm stuck, and it's the worst. I tell myself i'm trying. Feels like i'm just falling deeper, wasting every second.
Edit: It's been 2 days, i def lied here by saying "I never "manipulated" the newest AI to make me cp or bestiality", no, i def did that. And i def don't feel as bad about it as i wrote i feel. I still feel bad, but sometimes i forgive myself for it because i know i'll never drag it out to the real world. Sometimes i still feel weird and ashamed but it's never life threatening dread. It's like as if i know i need help and can't get it, so i'll accept it in my head not to feel that bad. ... I also feel emotionally exhausted from all these files surfacing and elections coming up soon and what if i'll have to leave and lose everything i had in this country.
And now my Tiktok is filled with the epstein files and usa govermental bullshit and how they eat babies. I had a severe panic/anxiety attack thinking i'll die and how i'll die from what because i asked the ai to summarize me stuff. And now idk if i'm believing a massive conspiracy circle i keep drowning myself in or if it's real and the rich never stopped eating babies and raping kids since the 1600's or before. I'm sick to my stomach.
I have a massive fear of being powerless as is. Being poor makes it worse. My mental disorders and society keep me from getting a job and living my life how i want to live it. I'm between "I'll die and never be rich so what's the point" and "I'll die, why am i so fucking anxious still???" on the daily. Yet i cannot move.
I really would love to commit mass genocide (in a game,, for legal reasons) to kill all the rich people and all who fall for their propaganda and all and every pedos and zoos out there who has ever touched anyone or anything. And i'd also love to destroy AI. And if possible all addictions and mental disorders because i dont want my life ruined. Last time i said "oh im a moral nihilist, idgaf unless it happens to me" but in reality i really give a fuck because it DOES affect me. I think im gaining conciousness.
I did go to therapy a while back, intensive, almost a year-long, daily groups to manage my anxiety and depression that comes with it and to deal with things. It helped in some things but i'm self-isolating again and feel as bad as i did when starting therapy. Unfortunately i didn't go to check on my addictions, claiming "i'm not addicted to porn, come on, i'm not like xy from therapy". I should've. Even if it wasn't consistent and came up every few months only how i abuse AI guidelines. Didn't think it was that bad at the time. Felt embarrassed to talk about it. A shame. Scared. I'm always scared of rejection, this is my life, my mental disorder, i can't help it, but i WISH i went the first week into therapy. But like what can you do when you're scared of being called a pedo or zoo because of porn? Maybe i should've taken example of the guy who did go to addiction control for porn. Maybe he dealth with this too. Maybe i should e-mail him but it's been so long.
Right now i can't get the help i need. If i go back i'll just waste more time and money and my parents might evict me. I have money saved up, but not enough to get out of this hole i'm in, stuck in a bad enviroment. Not enough to take the recommended 2 year long therapy (or 2 or more) to recover from what i'm dealing with. I'm stuck, and it's the worst. I tell myself i'm trying. Feels like i'm just falling deeper, wasting every second.
Edit: It's been 2 days, i def lied here by saying "I never "manipulated" the newest AI to make me cp or bestiality", no, i def did that. And i def don't feel as bad about it as i wrote i feel. I still feel bad, but sometimes i forgive myself for it because i know i'll never drag it out to the real world. Sometimes i still feel weird and ashamed but it's never life threatening dread. It's like as if i know i need help and can't get it, so i'll accept it in my head not to feel that bad. ... I also feel emotionally exhausted from all these files surfacing and elections coming up soon and what if i'll have to leave and lose everything i had in this country.
Rant about modern internet
General | Posted 2 weeks agoIt frustrates me so much that i can't fucking say my opinion online or else i'll get cancelled just because people decided to became hella sensitive in 2020 suddenly and now ageplay = pedophilia for them. Like bruh. I used to think i was an age regressor when i was 16 or 17, turns out it was fucking ageplay probably cuz i got turned on from it when i pretended to "regress". I was looking at adult pacifiers online and diapers. Do not dare tell me im a pedo for that. They're fucking mad crazy if they think liking that stuff makes someone want to diddle literal kids, hell nah, get those away from me. I have a considerable amount of followers rn so im not gonna say anything on the acc but it annoys me beyond belief when i read in a comment that "uhh that's literally ped0philia" Like AAAAAAAAAAA!
It's the same shit when a few years ago i saw a lot of "pet play is zoophilia because why do you want to fuck a dog" comments. Like. If something that's more easy to understand that ageplay even, like what tf do they think? That pet play = someone transforming into a literal dog?? ToT omg... I hate people. I just want to be a no-thoughts dog and crawl. And the same ppl are now saying HARNESSES don't belong in the FURRY COMMUNITY. Like???? *brain blows up emoji* Who are these ppl? Literal 9 year olds? I believe kids should not be allowed to conventions and it's the parents fault what the kid is exposed to. Fucking monitor them and the stuff they watch, like bro, i wasn't monitored, i KNOW what's out there. Lets not talk about pup-masks and gear in conventions, they might even go into shock if they hear about them and how "problematic" they are........
Keep furry WEIRD and ADULT!
It's the same shit when a few years ago i saw a lot of "pet play is zoophilia because why do you want to fuck a dog" comments. Like. If something that's more easy to understand that ageplay even, like what tf do they think? That pet play = someone transforming into a literal dog?? ToT omg... I hate people. I just want to be a no-thoughts dog and crawl. And the same ppl are now saying HARNESSES don't belong in the FURRY COMMUNITY. Like???? *brain blows up emoji* Who are these ppl? Literal 9 year olds? I believe kids should not be allowed to conventions and it's the parents fault what the kid is exposed to. Fucking monitor them and the stuff they watch, like bro, i wasn't monitored, i KNOW what's out there. Lets not talk about pup-masks and gear in conventions, they might even go into shock if they hear about them and how "problematic" they are........
Keep furry WEIRD and ADULT!
