Last Friday, on the 11th, I get a call to come into work due to this incident.

http://www.king5.com/news/local/MED.....-79100837.html

It's REALLY have made work a living hell for awhile. With people who were frantic.

BUT, guess what came out just around 6 PM an Wednesday the 16th?

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ht.....apelie17m.html

Yeah.....a medical worker......how's messed up. Wow, this really blows my mind. Then again, considering how much stress these guys are under....you know....not loving their job, only in it for the money, and top it off, having to deal with people who got mauled.....I guess I would go crazy too after taking so many medications in hopes to go through another day without losing it.

No, really, WHY the heck would some one lie about something so terrible? It's sickening. Everyone was scared for their lives. I and most of the guards were fearing for both our lives and jobs. Really, she better not show up to work ever again. Or her clinic better know better to transfer her elsewhere. She will have allot of angry people wanting to give her a piece of our minds.

Pretty much. Nothing new.

Hi

Still am.

I have no idea where to begin. BUT I'll just ramble like I always do. :-P


Here's the gist of things.

Work is work. Of course, fun never ends as a guard in general. Though add I work in a lobby at a medical building, then you get your unique bullshit and excitement/boredom.

I hope you all enjoyed that last comic ark. There may be a new ark by December. Got to play catch up with bills and what not.

My last story I typed was something I come up with quick, finished, but only recently posted. I hope some read that, it's defiantly uplifting than the comic ark "Wilted Rose".

I been putting my stories on hold since I found a new distraction that I been looking for. Sadly I can't share with you all, but it's writing none the less. A nice fresh of air for the time being. It's a project with an ending that I am reaching quickly, so once that's done. I'll get right back to writing everyone's favorite nut job ring tail and her crazy family.......well, everyone in the corner here....about 5....yeah. :-P

Anyway, I am doing okay. Hope you all are doing fine too.

How's everyone else?

Still am.

I have no idea where to begin. BUT I'll just ramble like I always do. :-P


Here's the gist of things.

Work is work. Of course, fun never ends as a guard in general. Though add I work in a lobby at a medical building, then you get your unique bullshit and excitement/boredom.

I hope you all enjoyed that last comic ark. There may be a new ark by December. Got to play catch up with bills and what not.

My last story I typed was something I come up with quick, finished, but only recently posted. I hope some read that, it's defiantly uplifting than the comic ark "Wilted Rose".

I been putting my stories on hold since I found a new distraction that I been looking for. Sadly I can't share with you all, but it's writing none the less. A nice fresh of breath air for the time being. It's a project with an ending that I am reaching quickly, so once that's done. I'll get right back to writing everyone favorite nut job ring tail and her family.......well, everyone in the corner here....about 5....yeah. :-P

Anyway, I am doing okay. Hope you all are doing fine too.

How's everyone else?

Some people can do great things. Some do decent things.

Then there's people who can blow your mind so many times that you just have to back up a bit and take a break.

All I'll say is, www.bibp.com is a pretty good comic. I said this before and I say it again. It's a classy comic that gleefully jumps into the gutter, roll around in it like dirty pig. Then jumps right back out all clean and classy once again. And it continues to repeat, repeat, repeat, REPEAT.

Either way, I will NOT say what's going to happen in the future. I been lucky enough recently to be allowed to see future strips. And I am at the point I must back away for now. It's got allot of great moments, and hurtful moments. It's not something for some one who's got too much empathy. Not for some one who's flaw is their emotions are affected with the area around them. It can be down right silly. But it touches allot of real areas of life, from the social norm to the down right weird.

I am sorry, I gotta back away a bit. There's a few story archs that have got me so upset. I got to condition my mind to remember it's just a comic. it will TEST YOU while it entertains you.

I swear, if people would look past the art (cause there's allot who'll like to bitch about it to the point they ignore it's contents), there's allot of gold there.

Makes me feel small in a big world.

And don't get me wrong, I love the art as is.

Hell, he is the artist for my stories currently. Though he makes me feel small in story telling at this point.

For those who have read my stories......or at least been keeping up with the comic releases.

I want to know. What's your favorite lines or favorite scenes. I am so curious, I could die. :-P

But nothing I can do about it.

I am actually glad I seen some compliments and no flames over the last story I posted. I am glad....was not looking forward to getting the zealots on my ass. The next story I'll type up will be a bit more serious. Since it will be continuing where we left off with Jason and Shandra.

I hope most of you are enjoying the comic. I get so giddy when I see new faces get interested in them each arch we get a chance to put in comic format. I just hope that when future comics come out....if they are coming out, that we can still keep the old fans happy while the new ones from now and later are enjoying it. I have to say this, and I think I said it allot. I don't think my writing and story telling is all that great. But I am always blushing and giddy when I hear compliments and praise. It makes me feel really happy that the stuff I shared is being enjoyed. Especially if it makes some ones day. Or it makes them sit down and think. To me, that's a sign that I have really done well with putting my thoughts onto paper....or in this case, the monitor screen.

Anyway, I need to get back to work. I am having one of those days I wish I was still a trucker. I had so much time between loads and off hours to type. Let alone able to schedule time to visit people within the 48 states. BUT, then again, being a guard is stable work, and I been taking care of my tumor. My doctor feels that hopefully I'll be done with this by the end of this year. But too close to call yet. Ah well.....economy is bad right now that I am sure I won't find work in trucking by the time i decide to jump back in.

AH well, about it.

Allot have been going on my end. But NOTHING has amounted to anything helpful. SO for now, I decided to drop all my plans for a better future and continue to do what I always do.....which is live in the current moment and hope I don't make another stupid decision to screw me further in a hole. Wheeee.


Now the question. And it's a stupid question, but I am curious.

WHO is going to Rainfurest? And if you are, would you be curious enough to meet me?

I said before I won't be showing up to anymore local gatherings (which I only showed up to one years ago...so no problem there). Let alone I don't plan to show up to any conventions in the area (last one was AFF 09). BUT, I am just curious since  mikefurry have been trying to talk me into showing up for one day (a Saturday). I am just curious, who's going and who's curious in seeing me, let alone meeting me?

Cause really, I was and still not impressed with Rainfurest. I was very disappointed in All Fur Fun this year (even though I was told the last two was awesome.....and I did not complain cause it was at least tame). I just don't feel like showing up to an event when I am having to deal with a bunch of con staff who's too busy trying to show off how furry they are instead of just giving furries of all walks of life something to enjoy. Meaning, the convention is tailored mainly to lifestylers instead of tailored to everyone, from fans to lifestylers. IN other words, I feel the two conventions are just secrete clubs where you must be hardcore to be accepted. And to be honest, I am not hardcore. And I don't take things to extreme.

That, and there's a couple of people I want to just avoid seeing. Especially one where I am more upset and angry with that I am afraid I'll make an ass of myself when I lose my temper and chew her out......and get myself banned......

Anyway, anyone would like to see me there? If I do show up, it will be only one day, and on a Saturday. Friends I know in person don't need to reply, since I already know how they feel about it. I can see you people any time of the week. I am asking this for those who I rarely see, if not, never met in person.

Well?

My close friend from high school, Nick left on the 17th for Alaska. I sure hope something works out for him up there. If not, at least he'll be back with his Mom and dogs out in the boonies. Either way, I no longer talk to the rest of my old high school buddies......so I guess that's it about that. I do wish him luck though.

For the last couple of weeks, I been trying to get some sort of loan going to help me get my bills consolidated. Long story short, bad time to be looking. The banks refuse to give any type of personal loan unless you got collateral equal to the amount you want to borrow. This feels like 2005/2006 when I moved to Indianapolis. I was told then I had everything BUT a stable job. Now I am being told I need collateral. Heh, you know, I am so sick of life at the moment. At least when it comes to dealing with bankers and what not. So what's next? 2 years from now I am asked to donate my kidneys for a loan? Strangely, I see that happening.

I don't think I want to go through every single bullshit I done this last month. I'll just say this though. Despite how I was not able to improve anything. NOTHING terrible happen, at least not so far. So as long things stay as is, I can't complain. I am just upset I was not able to do much this time.......that, and it feels like I shall always fail. I'll catch up, only to have a new obstacle in the way, cause I did not catch up fast enough. How many more obstacles must one put up before it starts to hinder themselves.....or their offspring?

Amway, about all that I had been up too. Oh, Mom was thinking of trading my Buick or Jeep in for that cash for clunkers thing. BUT, I can't trade the Jeep in cause I had it less than a year. And my Buick is on the list of fuel efficient vehicles (for it's time). Then again, I do get between 27 to 30 MPG, so that is good for an 89 yank tank.....well.....more like a small boat than a tank. Cash for clunkers ends this Monday, so ah well.

So.......yeah, I won't complain, and I am just going to take this like a douche.....er....man (what ever a man is).

I hope you all enjoyed it. I like how it came out. Though I hope you all too.

I am amazed to get nice comments. It's really nice to hear, makes me feel like I am not a total asshole. Hehehehehe.

Seriously though, I do the stories for myself in a way. BUT, I share them cause I hope others would enjoy them. And to get some feed back. Either way, I am not picky on feed back. Just as long it's not hurtful. :-D

So anyway, I put my heart into it. And it makes me happy to know that I got people looking at it for what it is. What ever it is to them. But one thing is for sure, it was not in hopes for porn. Though I don't mind sharing that.....though I am a bit jittery about sharing those.

Anyway, I noticed I got a couple younger viewers...readers.....something like that. SO, if you can't see the last page, and want to, I'll be happy to send it to you if it don't offend you. Though it's nothing really terrible, just one panel shows a nipple. I hate leaving people hanging all because they are not "old enough". If your interested, I'll show it. Just to give closure to the lat part of that story art.

Ah well, enough from me.

I ask this allot, rant about it, and just gripe. So I guess I should drop it.

But really, why oh WHY does the word "Furry" have to be associated with "porn"?

And my favorite is, I see people complain how furry got allot of crazy, weird fetishes in the fandom. And of these people even want to make a demand to flush those fetishes out.

But here's the kicker that boggles my mind. These same people would turn around and say something like, "Wow, Minerva is so sexy, she's definitely furry." Or, "The writers who came up with that episode of Animaniacs where Minerva's little cartoon short came up are definitely furry."

So.........there are those who don't like all the fetishes in the "furry" fandom. BUT, if anything with anthropomorphic animals that are remotely "adult" like......or straight out porn is considered....."furry".

Then all I can say is, we doomed ourselves to having the word "furry" mean nothing but "porn" for anthropomorphic media. And like the word "porn". Furry WILL represent all sorts of fetishes that associate to the word "porn". Let alone be a fetish to the word "porn" itself.

Want to make the furry fandom wholesome again. Need to get our heads to rethink what the word "furry" means to us. Till then, "furry" will always be a word to be used to describe.....in a nice way, "adult funny animal media." Or crudely, "Anthropomorphic porn".

Think about it.

I am not saying that those who like the porn side of the fandom are evil and should be shunned away. Nor those who are fine with giving what some people want. I am just trying to say that it weirds me out to see people wonder WHY those who are not into it, are weirded out by it. And just saying "furry" means your a sicko pervert who likes to fuck animals. BUT since we say "furry" to tell others that it's "adult material funny animal junk." Then I guess we doomed ourselves.

I actually know some one who heard a radio message where the announcer describes how he drives as a Gazelle, and how others drive on the road like jack rabbits. And pretty much describing how driving like a jack rabbit was bad. While driving like a gazelle means your graceful and calm. I felt THAT was furry enough. Cause it was using animals and their behaviors to compare it to drivers on the road. But then my buddy says, "That's funny, I GOT to make that furry."

Can you see where I am trying to go with this? And can you see WHY I am shaking my head with how "furry" was just used right there to describe turning it into a perverse idea? I have NOTHING against him doing it, if he wants to. BUT, he just used the word "furry" to describe his intentions to turn it into a perverse anthropomorphic idea. Using the word in that context will ALWAYS make those outside of the fandom look at us as nothing BUT sick perverts.

And I really did not join the Furry fandom cause I enjoy nothing but the porn. I enjoy anthropomorphic media where animals have human characteristics. I enjoy most aspects of it. But I did not join it cause I am a total "furvert".

Last thing to this little rant.

WHY should I expect to see sex, let alone tits and ass when I am looking at a furry comic or reading a furry story? If it's there, it's there. If it's not, it's not. If having tits and ass, and gratuitous sex is the ONLY thing that is needed to make it "worthy" of the title "furry". Then once again, we are facing the issue of the word "furry" being associated to porn. And therefor we'll always have the issues of being marked as sick perverted idiots who fuck their dogs. Cause "furry" is associated to porn, and the porn have animal like characters.

I better shut up now.

I guess I was having one of those months when everything felt like was crushing down on me to the point that my body felt like it was thicker, larger, bigger than normal.......and it could snap. If that makes sense. But basically I just felt so small that even my own body felt bigger than me. Weird, huh?

Work had calmed down. Once again, I am amazed how the idiots I deal with at work some how cancel out the other idiots who try to personally make my life a living hell. Either way, I am fine for now. I do NOT want to ask for a transfer within my company, cause they are the shit. But I am weighing between just leaving for a totally different field. Well, more like trying to get a job in a totally different field. OR, since its my first job in years where I lasted for more than a year. I COULD go apply to a (hopefully) better company that pays better and probably NOT a joke. Though I honestly HATE being a security job. I only took it cause it was available and the only ones who did more than look at my application.....like actually hired me.

Military is an idea still. But it's still an idea I truly don't want to take. That, and I past the age requirement for the Air Force. So I got the other branches to look at. Though I am NOT interested in those either. Especially not the Marines. Air Force was the only thing I was considering while I was growing up.....that......and Dad was in it.

SO, for those who are under 27, if you want to join the Air Force, do it before you turn 27.

Anyway, not much to say. I hanged out with buddies here and there, gone to work. Hell, even visited  mikefurry last weekend up in BC. Nothing much to say. but I am happy to see my buddies. And its been going well.

I just don't want to rant anymore. It's good to get it out of my system. But there is also a time where the issues have been spoken and placed out on the table. NOW, how to go about fixing it?



I got pretty upbeat with the comments to the last journal entry. Those where helpful comments. Thanks for caring all. I really didn't think anyone did.

There's been allot of stupid things on my mind for a long time. Like being 30 years old and still living at home. I got a dead end job. I am still a virgin, only dated ONCE in my entire life. All my funds is going straight to bills. BUT, I guess I can safely say that I still look the same as I did in high school......despite the huge scar on the left side of my face. Speaking of that, I had a tumor removed around 2002, and I STILL have to get it treated to this day. And to top it off, I got a huge rift of what people think of me, but they are so violently sure of how they feel I am that if any of the two sides try to tell the other otherwise, they'll get into a huge fight. I have not seen the physical yet, but it's odd to see the verbal. But the extreme is usually asshole/saint. Lazy/resilient. I just want to say I am just a normal guy, who's actually lazy, but once I start something, I make sure I get it done.....unless your my Mom. Then I just let HER finish it. Since her way is always the best way, therefor don't question it. And yeah, I got "mother" issues.

But what happened in the last few months been nothing more than hell. As far as I can tell.

I won't go into details about the first one other than communications was all the sudden dropped. No reason, no explanation. NOTHING. It's just, "your a nice guy," to "..............." What did I do wrong? What have I done? What in the name of God did I do to deserve this? Please, tell me. Talk to me. It's driving me insane. For some one who asked me not to hate you, you sure turned around and making me really want to hate you. Want to rip right through you. I want closure, I want peace. I don't want to hate you.

Mom started to realize that I been ignoring her when she goes into her rant modes. It don't matter if she's telling me (for the 200th time) how to flip eggs, or how much she hates the neighborhood kids. I just nod, and pretend to agree, and I do my own thing. Recently she started to not only demand me to listen to her, but she'll get in my face about it. She'll force the issue. Even nearly stopped me from getting out of the house for work, just so I can hear her bitch about....once again, how I do stuff, how she's can't relax, and how God will smite children of this neighborhood. It's really starting to drive me insane. If I could afford my own place, I would have done it a long time ago. Then again, maybe I should have stayed in Indianapolis.

Despite how work is calming down between me, the patients, and the company I am employed under (though I still think they are a bunch of morons.....my company). The tenants, mainly idiots who make so much by doing little, like the Nurses, Doctors, and even the receptionists for the clinics in my building, actually sent a formal complaint about me just on Weds on how much I am NOT like the last guard. I will admit, the last guard was a very nice old man who was very into customer service with little to no guard skills. THESE IDIOTS GOT HIM FIRED. "I" and others who where fired also replaced him and guards like him. Our morning guard in my building who I relieve is the ONLY guard left from that age of time. And she only lasted cause she knows how to be both a guard and a representative. The rest of us are just guards. Even me, who actually got allot more customer service experience compared to the others hired (minus the morning guard), are nothing more than guards. In a twist, the letter was more of a blanket complaint. As in they are complaining about ALL the guards EXCEPT the morning guard in my building. But the reason I am taking it personal is, well, I got chewed out by some of the staff in the building for not doing my job. Even though my job is to guard the building. NOT allow them to sit on their asses and refuse to answer questions cause "I" happen to be in the lobby, sitting my ass....LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. Do these assholes really THINK I LOVE sitting on that chair for 10 to 12 hours?

Really, how Mom been acting recently, it's got me thinking on how I can get out of here. Some where I can just, you know, be myself.

Unfortunately, I got nothing. The military idea was just an idea. I was THINKING of looking into it. I was not planning to actual go through with it. At least not as of yet. I asked that earlier question cause I just wanted to see what's people perspective of it. To see if people really are concerned about me.....or concerned about the military. Some actually did show signs for my well being (I did this question on other accounts I got). Some.....well, the tiny few, went straight to the military....either for or against it. BUT, they ARE good points.

BUT, since what happened with work. And everything else I mentioned, I just feel so dead inside. I honestly felt that despite some people may have felt about me, I had allot who at least tolerate me, if not, like me. Though now I feel like no body likes me, and the very, VERY small few that do like me, seem to adore me, if not at least consider me a good friend. Not saying that last part was bad. But I hate feeling like the world hates me. And a sick twist of fate, the only jobs I can get my hands on are CUSTOMER SERVICE JOBS. Really, if I am such a horrible person, WHY do I always get these fucking jobs? I tried to get into factory jobs, assembly jobs. And either I don't get past the interviews (though I passed the damn entry tests all the time), or I get into it and they get rid of me quick. Yet I always get these damn customer service jobs, and I some how stay till "I" crack and leave.

Either way, I had not felt this shitty since Mom and I was homeless, and I skipped school to try to find a place to live cause she was too chicken shit to do it herself cause "she's Asian". Something on those lines, loosely. Not a good feeling to have when you finish your last class of the day, and while everyone is talking about after school activities, all you can think about is, "Okay, where did Mom and I going to meet up and plan to sleep tonight?" I was dragging my feet and slowly going to my car, just not wanting to even do anything. But I had to muster up the courage, cause I did have hope. And I went to people I never thought of going to. Even went to a church to ask for help.

Strange, after it was all done and what ever, years later, MOM takes the fucking credit. And tells everyone "I" did nothing. BUT, that's a different issue.

Currently, I feel the same way. Everything happen so fast within the first FIVE minutes of my shift, that the rest the 9 hours and 55 minutes was hell. I had to force myself to smile, though I fought back tears. When I was alone in the hallways, doing my patrols, I literally just dragged my feet and walked super slow. I had to force myself to move after work, cause I literally stood in the elevator for half an hour. And once I moved, I just walked super slow. I didn't want to drive. Honestly, unlike the time I mentioned earlier. This time I don't have any hope. Really, what is there besides this?

At this point, I feel like joining the military, not for stability, not for respect, and not for a better future. I gave up, and I am too chicken to kill myself. I can't think of anything positive anymore. The only fight I can muster with myself is to just smile and act like everything is okay. Try to FIND something positive. But I can't find any routes to take for something better anymore.

The worst part is, I honestly have this gut feeling I'll be turned away from the military for many reasons, mainly body fat and weight. So really, I am not sure if that should be positive, or WORSE. I mean, washout or rejected, which is worst? But I really can't bring myself to look into that either. But it's on my mind. Either way, I am not riding my motor bike for the time being. I can't even keep myself up.

SO, this is a typical Live Journal entry. Full of drama and emotional emo......emo is short for emotional, right? What ever. You all wanted to know, now you know. And I can't wait to see what type of comments I am going to get.

...will I be looked at the same way as I am seen now/

Sorry for not responding to the last comments. I am not sure if I needed to say more than what was said. But I do appreciate the comments.

I hope you guys liked that last commission piece. :-D

Anyway, I can go on and on and on about how depressed I am with life at the moment. Let alone how I feel that my perspective on life finally got so tainted that I really don't know if there's a point in living.....other than death is scary. BUT, I am doing okay other than feeling hurt inside.

Work has been okay. It's still dumb, but at least things had calmed down a bit. So the only thing that is getting to me is a bunch of high horse riding jerk offs keep looking at me as scum cause I am a fat bastard working as a guard in a hospital where EVERYONE should be healthy. Fuck them. But the job itself have calmed down. From the way things are going, I think I am here permanently. Unless I piss off the building management......which is easy to do.


Home life is okay. And I am still working on my cars, though things had finally tamed down to the point I can keep up with the repairs. I still would like to get rid of both of my cars and get ONE reliable car. BUT, once again, no funds.


Anyway, about it. Most of my buddies had turn on each other lately. And the ones I care about are looking like they may have to leave state soon if they can't find work and get things stable around them. Some may go to the midwest, one is already planning on heading to Alaska. Heh, honestly, if it was not for this job I got right now, I'll leave this state. I am fed up with this state. Though I got my reasons.



*add*

OH, and just when I was asking myself this question. Foamy just comes out and say it.
http://www.illwillpress.com/FI22.html

SO much has happened in a month's worth of time. I had been very angry with anyone and everyone. I am still angry. But I am claming down and getting my mind back to my optimistic (or lack of) state of mind where I try to keep things positive. Even though I do have a gloomy out look on things.

I guess what I mean is, I always had this "doom and gloom" view of life. But I done my best for a long time to try to find ways around what I THINK may happen. And/or just do it and hope it works out. Most of the time the "doom and gloom" out come didn't happen and it was actually all okay. But when it does happen, I don't feel too horrid cause I saw it coming. And i just get upset with myself for not making a plan "B". Or I get mad for allowing it to happen. But I am not a fortune teller. If I was one...and a very good one, then I probably would make millions......only to be shot for knowing too much and maybe even be seen as a heretic.

But what got me mad nearly a month ago was something I honestly did not see coming. I mean, I still saw the "doom and gloom". But what I saw was tame compared to what really happened. It left me dazed and confused. What happened was worst than I thought "could". I will NOT get into it. But it left me feeling betrayed, alone, worthless. And pretty much, the scum of the earth.

But the main thing is, it just made me super anti-social and so easily tempered that I actually blew up more than once at work where I had to storm out of the building before I started lashing out at the typical ass hole public I have to deal with at work. Either way, it's something I am not proud of. And I am lucky that NO one complained yet.

I am starting to get a bit optimistic again. Though not in ways I am used to. I think I am ready for a reset switch in life. And I do not mean suicide. I mean, I want to start over again with my personal life. Work, friend's, people I respect, people I hate, even what I do on my spare time. Cause it's really not making ME happy. And recently it's not making me look better with others and it's not keeping me out of trouble.

I am keeping this account and what not. And I'll still be enjoying being a fan of furry. Of anthropomorphic animals.

But I am going to make this official. I been HAPPY not having to think or be associated with the lifestyle attitude that has become the furry fandom. So for the fandom itself, I am not on hiatus from it. I am QUITING it.

I do not need to live, act, talk, and pretty much make my life revolve around a bunch of concepts by a bunch of people who can't distinguish reality to role play. Role play can be okay at times. But turning it into life? How the hell does that work? It does not. And the last two conventions I been too are nothing more than lifestylers showing off how much of a "furry" they really are and just doing anything and everything they can to show they are somebody as a furry...instead of just anybody in life. It's not life people. It's a hobby. And until most people figure that out. The "others" who are looking in are always going to peek in, not sure if they want to even try to understand. And most who don't want to try to understand will always see the evils of the fandom.

I have no idea why I say "fandom" It's not a fandom anymore. It's on the same levels of those who consider themselves "Goths", "werewolves", and even "Vampires". It's not a fandom at that point, it's a lifestyle.

Anyway, I am done ranting on that.

But personally, I been okay. And I'll move on.

But I am tired of always being an outsider. If I can't join them. Then leave them, that's how I feel.

But I won't.

So meh. I am still alive.

I am on hiatus.

So take care all. I am off for awhile.

I won't be on my messengers.....at least not on my main one that I give to everyone. If you see me elsewhere, you do. If not, well, if you really want to get in touch with me. Page me on here. I'll be checking as much as I usually do. Just won't be doing much with the fandom. Which I rarely do much with the fandom to begin with. SO no loss.

SO, thanks for all the watches, and the faves. I'll be back soon. And like I said, if I put up a new story, I'll post it on here. Along with any art I acquire. Like 3 sketches I got at AFF in my sketchbook that needs to be scanned. Once I get it back (or the scans) from *iconmikefurry*. I love those sketches. But kinda hard to show I like them when I don't have them to share. Bleh.

Anyway, about it. Have fun all. I'll be keeping my LJ up to date, as always.

But I am going to have a hiatus from allot of things. One of them is the fandom.

Does not mean I'll avoid checking up once and awhile. It does not mean I'll stop writing.

It just means I won't be socializing and making plans around it.

I am NOT going to blame the fandom for my current distaste for it. It's me, that's all. Just me.

I never felt I fit in to begin with. And to be frank, I am so "different" from everyone who's in it.

It's hard for me to feel sorry for those who CRY cause they are not accepted cause they are different. When for one, no ones going to like you when you are NOT with the same KIND in a room. Reason I say that, cause when these people CRY, they CRY to most people in the fandom who are like THEM. Not realizing that they are not as different from a norm than they think. Either way, they are the norm in this fandom. And I usually don't try to fit in a clique, I do feel that I am really not part of it either.

Point I am trying to get at is, I am treated as a stranger everywhere I go lately. Some strange freak who won't fit just cause I do things that are "not in sync" with others who are categorized in the group I associate myself with.

Either way, I put up with it at work, at home, and even around friends lately. So I need to ax a few things that are trivial to me. And maybe once I figure things out on my own end, I'll might fully associate myself with this fandom again.

I am a furry, and honestly, I can't make up shit to make it sound like i am not part of a fandom that I still like. SO I won't try. But I do need to break away for the time being. I am not leaving cause people anger me (though I am upset with some). I am not leaving cause I have a chance of a better career.....though if I did had that chance, hell would freeze over. And I am not leaving cause I feel the fandom is hell on earth.

I am just going away cause I need to work on "ME". That is all.

Funny thing is, nothing much is going to change. Just I will NEVER show up to a furry event again though till I feel ready. And I will NOT act as a representative towards or against the fandom. I am just going to be left alone for a bit and watch from the side lines.

About it. Have fun all. And thanks for the watches and enjoying my stories and comics. BUT if I do type more up or there are more comics coming this way, I'll post them. But that's about it.

I been quiet as of late. Just because I been either frantic about personal issues, people around me....or recently, junk I depend on (like cars).

But never mind that. I want to say HI to all the new watchers.

I hope i do not disappoint. Hehehe.

And for those who are enjoying the current comic, I hope you all continue to enjoy till the end of that chapter.

And as for my latest story, "Wilted Rose". WELL.........I am not sure what to say other than that type of story needed to come out. To show how far the mindset was towards the morphs in the story. Hehehehe, that, and wanted to show that Bobbie do have her reasons for being who she is.....stuff like that.

Ah well, what ever, I am dead tired.

So enjoy all and thanks for the watches and faves. If I had not commented, it's nothing against you, I just don't have an idea on how to reply to it. There are just some comments that I can't figure out an answer. Or there are those comments that are best not to even make an attempt to answer.

Anyway, take care all.

I am lazy, read my LJ. It' not drama unless you want it to be. I mean, damn, your reading a journal for crying out loud. :-P

www.livejournal.com/~mickstover

I think  mikefurry sums it up best. That, and I am kinda tired at the moment. I'll just say after all that happened, we made it here around 1 AM, Friday morning.

IF anyone really want to see me or say hi, I am in 340.

So, I hope we all will have a fun time.

I am actually looking forward to this. I never been to AFF before. And from what I could tell, this is year 3 for them. Hehehehe, but anyway. I am sorta excited cause I had not been to a furry convention in a long while. And it's small, so I am sorta curious to how this will play out. Not to mention this is a first con in a very long time I not only got the time off for, but I got planned out well AND the fund to do more than pay my share. I'll actually be able to buy small things here and there. Granted, I am still low on funds that I can't go out and get allot of art stuff and what not. I can still do more than just walk by.

Work is getting interesting. My company hired an outside source to look into the problems at our side two weeks ago. Me and all the guards literally went to town, either in person, or in letters. It's amazing to see our stupid site supervisor who lives on strife all the sudden become a happy puppy. No really, he's nothing more than a shitsu. Very smart, yet annoying, ankle biters who think they are large enough to take down a bear. So to see him act like a cute puppy is a nice turn around. Either way, I'll be shocked if he's off the site by the end of June. But I won't be surprised if he's still on the site by the end of June. Knowing security companies, they'll protect their site supervisors till an out side source tells them to get rid of them. And since we shot at both him and the accound manager. Well.....I won't be surprised if the company ignore the outside source and keep things as is. But the company did hire the outside source cause we LOST allot of sites near the end of last year. They are desperately trying to keep what we have right now. They would be fools ignore the problems laid out to them by the outside source. BUT, then again, they ARE fools. So yeah. At least it's amusing to watch.




Thursday, the family went out for some BBQ food in Everett. A new place that's got southern BBQ foods in mind. Unfortunately, it's pricey, the southern sweat tea is NOT sweat (trust me, southern sweat tea is pretty much having tea with your sugar). I mean, if it had just a tad bit more sugar, it would have worked. It don't need to be super sugary. But it needs to taste sweat. It's made fresh in the restaurant, so yeah, they CAN mess up making it. The portions are not as big. The only reason I got full cause my Mom is a small person who don't eat allot, so I end up having her portions (cause her husband refused to take em. Hehehe). And their beef brisket wasn't what I call beef brisket. Though I will praise that the meats are made well. Just not prepared well for anything but Beef brisket. Their ribs are good, and their BBQ chicken is good. I been dying for BBQ chicken. So it was good. All this to celebrate Mothers day.

Friday sucked cause it was my Mom's birthday. NO, I do not hate my Mom, and normally I won't call her birthday a sucky day. It was sucky, especially for her cause she only started her first room to clean at work, and a large old TV that was too big for the shelf it was placed on fell down onto her head. She's under 5 feet. Close to 4, maybe 4 and a half feet tall. Either way, she was conscious. And said she went to a co-worker and told them she was very dizzy and seeing stars. She didn't realize her face was bloody. NOT as bad as I make it sound. But still bad enough to make the boss take her to the hospital. She was there for hours, getting checked up and waiting for x-rays. She came home in the afternoon (her husband was with her later on), and she just spent her day here in the home, sleeping.

Saturday, nothing. Just hanged out with Nick. And about it.

I am being weird, but in a much better mood, that is for sure.

Well, all I did last week (besides moping), was work, work, work. Then Thursday I worked on my Buick more. Finally figured out what was wrong with it, and not only got the thing to run smooth and correctly. But I finally got rid of a trouble code that the car had since I got it in 2003. Heh, weird, 6 years to figure that trouble code out. Though now the gas in it is bad. I filled up at an AM/PM (BP) couple of weeks ago, and it's not burning very well. BUT, I took it for a drive Friday. And it works well, despite every now and then the gas messes it up. So I'll be replacing the fuel filter again once I burn out the gas in that tank. Hehehehe, I am just happy I finally got it to work. I can do it. :-P

Friday, hanged out with my old high school buddy, Nick for lunch. He's been working on call for a landscaping outfit in Stanwood. BUT, it's good than no work. Either way, he's been pretty happy lately. Then later hanged out with some buddies in Everett and did some Star Wars RP. I am not a fan of Star Wars, BUT they used the old rule books before Episodes 1 to 3 came out. And it was fun to just role play in general that made it worth while. Either way, I think we all had fun.

Saturday, I just relaxed. About it.

Now I need to some how get to sleep so I'll be ready for work tomorrow.

Since when have I never have felt each day? :-P

Seriously though, I told myself I won't freak out when I reach 30 years old. I am just weeks away. The first official day of All Fur Fun in Spokane will by my birthday.

But when I look at all I done....which really wasn't planned. And all the things I would have liked to have done....which most I a barely skimmed the surface. I can't help but freak out a little. I mean, I am pretty much 30 years old now. And I still live at home and working dead end jobs that I hate. And still single.

I guess I could say I gone places when I was a kid, being an Air Force brat. I got an associates degree in computer networking science (or lack of), and I had a decent number of years as a long haul trucker, going across the US mainland and parts of Canada. So I got to see the country. Not it's historical land marks, but still got to see the country to the point I can quickly look at a map to remind myself what the route numbers are to give a decent by-pass route through or around major cities.

But really though, I guess my problem that got me up to this point was the lack of vision. Along with the lack of direction. I was already working two jobs by the time I reached my senior year in high school, trying to put in more of my half of the rent while me and my mother shared a one bedroom apartment. All I could think was, "Get a stable job, and just don't do anything stupid to add more bills." Despite how I hated working for McDonalds, I stuck it out. Only to some how later work at the Holiday Inn Express next door to McD's (I never applied there, though my Mother did work there...).

When my Mother got married to her current husband, my mind set switched. I was out spending money on things to make me happy, AND started college. Long story short, I am still in debt to this day. Cause I lacked foresight. I still do. But I felt at the time, and I got this stupid lesson from both college and work, "Gotta spend some to gain more." Well, I definitely spent allot, but all I gained is useless toys and a nice piece of paper to hang on the wall.

By the time I was out of school, I was jobless and living off of credit cards to pay bills. I had a little help from Mom, mainly fed me and pay the minimum on the credit card payments. After a year of looking for work, I ended up going to a truck school for a month. Then became a trucker on and off for more than 3 years. Within the off times, I worked at a call center for Verizon and refurbished printers for Epson......the only things I was able to use my degree for....all in Indiana, living with my sister and her husband.

After getting out of trucking a year ago, I moved back to Washington state and some how became a security guard, posted at one of the many major hospital in Seattle. Been there since.

The point I am trying to get out of this is, it may look like I done allot, and to some....including myself, not much. But there's a few things that I have no accomplished. And I guess I never will unless I figure out exactly what I want to do. But I have general ideas.

I just want a decent job that I enjoy. If not, tolerate where I can live well, or at least decently with a wife and kids. I saw myself with a decent job with a wife, and a family. But, looks like I failed that.

Most people I noticed worry about the significant other, not think about "what if kids are in it." Or, "I need a decent job so I can support the other if I chose to, or if he/she can't find work." Yet some how, some how, strife seem to bring people together than comfort. I guess, I don't know. Either way, what I am trying to say is, I had been so focused in my early 20's trying to keep stability between me and my mother when she was single. Then I spend my middle twenties to now with just trying to situate myself in a good job, being financially stable, with my own place to live.

I feel that if I keep trying, I can pay off my debt's. But I also feel like that's all I'll be doing for the rest of my life.

But I had been so focused on me that I honestly don't have a clue on....nor courage....nor will power to even try dating. I honestly feel I am not worth anyone time. I am not financially stable. I live at home. And I am not good looking.

Top it off, I am starting to be honest with myself, but I just don't feel comfortable around women, and I don't trust them. I been shot down, insulted, and humiliated through the years for just being the opposite sex. And I see too many women who are married who make fun of their own husbands and sons for being men. I just can't get myself to trust them enough to drop my defenses. And if I do, they think I am trying to come onto them anyways and avoid me. But wow, can they open up to me sometimes and tell me how much their boyfriend or significant other treats them like shit, yet they turn around and talk about how witty, funny, and HANDSOME he is.

Of course, I sometimes feel men and women are brought up that there's no such thing as platonic friendship, just only sex between the two sexes. I mean, look at the show "Friends". Either way, I hate how I become "friends" with women, only to be dropped when they "grew up". What? I am not a good friend? I was the only guy who refused to fuck during your time of "exploration". Yet you de-freind me cause you grew up? Along with un-freinding everyone else you used you as a rag doll? I guess part of being an adult is you alienate the opposite sex....unless it's time to flirt and fuck.

I don't care how old or young the lady is, or how big or skinny she is. Just as long we get along and click.

I been saving myself for "the one" for years. Though I am starting to feel that I not only wasted my time, but I lost my time. What I mean is, when I was 12 years old, I was in a cafe downstairs of a hotel my family and I was staying in on Guam, just minding my own business. A bunch of late teen girls came in and tried to flirt with me. At the time, flirting to me was stupid, but they did catch my eye. A girl asks me my age, I told her. I then get told I am too young and got ignored. Yeah, it shot my ego, being cast away for being "too young". But then again, I figured, "What ever, I'll be an adult soon and I can be part of the game, if I choose to."

Well, now I am close to 30, I am too old a couple girls I actually have thoughts of pursuing. And I am too young for the older females.....if I ever found one worth pursuing....that's available. And obviously, I am still not in the game, despite how I been actually considering.

Sorry to go off on an emo rant. But I need to let this out. Cause I really need to toss it out and hopefully find closure in myself and just move on. There's more to life than living that fairy tale dream I grew up on. But damn it, I guess I could live that so called saint hood dream. I am not a religious person, but I'll die a virgin. Take that, you so called holier than though zealots who keep trying to convert non-believers like me each day.