Saying Mo Fo is fun.

Wish my time at the medical office was fun today.

I went in to get my renewal for my DOT Physical card.

Instead, I left there with a rejection to my renewal, a Diabetes pamphlet, and a nice device to check my sugar levels.

I am so fucked. But hey, at least it's not worst.

Last day on the 3rd. I hope I didn't make a huge mistake.

Well, not sure what to say. Things been going so so.

Mom's been a bit insulting lately since I been a bit of a jerk about not wanting to stay here anymore and wanting to leave state. All I'll say is she's not making me want to change my mind.

I will admit though my comfort zone is going to be thrown away when I do leave. She herself is not my comfort zone. But just being able to come home to SOMETHING at night is nice compared to just being on the road all the time. Fighting to find a safe, legal, welcoming spot to park my tractor and trailer for the night just so I can hop into the back to sleep on the bed back there. And it's nice to have 3 days off instead of the typical 2 days off offered at a typical full time job.

But really, my Mom is driving me nuts. And I am 31 years old. I want my own life. And quite frankly, nothing is improving around here. Not to mention, she's growing old along with her husband. Despite her wanting me to stay in the house (it's a Thai thing.....along with a few other cultures who do this similarly) so the family can care for her as much as she cared for them. But in reality, when it was just Mom and I 10 years ago. It made sense. We both worked dead end jobs getting next to nothing, and we felt we both rooming with each other would make more sense than rooming with strangers. So yeah, we split the rent.

But it's been nearly a decade since she met her husband, we moved in, and they eventually married. He takes care of the rent, she takes care of the food and if needed, the utilities. ME? For a little bit, the phone and some of the rent. But since 2003, nothing. I had no job for awhile, was going into college. Only to end up trucking and not even living here. But since I been back in 08 and working a typical 40 hour work week. I hadn't been able to afford to pay anything for them. Despite the full time job, I drive a 100 miles a day just to work in a lobby at a hospital. I got too many bills, and I break even. The rest of the extra money goes to gas and repairs to one of the vehicles I own to get to and from work.

I know I said all this in the last journal.

But I am a bit calmer now. Point I am trying to get at is, I am grateful. Things could be worst. But damn it, I feel there's gotta to be better out there. And for an extreme short bit, I had my own place with an okay job. Granted, the job only last 3 to 4 months. And the rest of the time I was on the road. But I had my own little decent place in Indianapolis. It was nice. I would like that again.

Either way, this time I gotta make something work. Even if it means I wound up jobless, on a street with bill collectors hunting me. Cause really, if I stagnate here, nothing will improve. I may be okay living with Mom when it comes to being dry, fed, and safe. But how long will it last? She may die tomorrow. She may kick me out tomorrow. Or she may live on till the point she's too old to keep going and stop working. Then what? If I can't support myself, how can I support others?

Really, I am scared of all this. But I need to do something. I want to be my own person. And maybe if I stop making living with Mom an option, it would be fine.

Talked to my sis abut these plans today. She's in town for a couple of weeks here. She made it clear she won't be able to help me this time if it all goes to hell like she did the last 3 times. Can't blame her really. But she said I can come over to visit. And if nothing else, she can try to help me with a place to stay to go from point A to point B. But the last time was it. Apparently I upset her and her husband when they tried to let me stay the last few times and all I ended up doing was leaving anyways. My sis do want me to stay in Indianapolis. But I guess I made it very clear that I really don't like Indiana. The state wasn't that great to me when it came to KEEPING a job.

Ah well, but she didn't chew me out for going back into trucking. A job is a job. She just wishes it was some one else other than Werner again.

Ah well, about all on my end. I just have to call Werner again on Monday to see if I can start next month. Or if I have to re-apply next month before I'll jump on (each application last a month in trucking. Then I'll have to redo it all again. Depends on each company. But that's the way with Werner). Either way, once I know for sure (or close to sure) I'll give my two weeks. Going to try to leave Allied Barton on good terms. Mainly cause when I leave Werner (not if, but when.......I know Werner will be bullshit regardless) and where ever I get off. I need any chances I can get for a job. Then start working. If I have to be a guard again. Then I'll have that option.

I bet some are wondering why I am willing to jump back into a company that I don't like. Well, the one thing I noticed about trucking that is annoying, but beneficial is it gets me lost all over the country (even in Canada). Where ever I turn the truck in (gotta turn it in on my own in one piece in order to keep myself in good standing....hence I am able to get rehired), the place I turn it in may be a decent potential spot to move to. Hell, Werner got terminals in interesting places. Omaha, Denver, Fontana, Indianapolis, hell, even Allentown. Those places I been to, and the towns look ripe for work.......just if there's any work is the big question in this economy. But still, potential locations. Werner do have terminals in Dallas and Phoenix. But Dallas is dangerous (sorry, each time I went there was a risk of a mugging or death to the point I refuse to stay in Dallas longer than I have to when I was still driving. I would drive 40 miles out of Dallas to wait on another load. I am that scared for my life of that place). As for Phoenix, nice place to visit. But it's just too damn hot. Though now I think about it. I rather be in Phoenix than Fontana.

So far I only got one plan for just in case this fails. I am sorry if I am skeptical. I seen too many people close to me who had buddies who said they'll help out, only to just watch that burn when needed. And even my own Mother had that happen to her a few times. Hence why I usually don't make fall back plans with friends. Let alone any life plans with friends. But....well.....I am needing something to grab onto this time. Or at least hope to grab on to when needed. So yeah, I am going to be putting blind faith on this limb being out there when the time comes. I am a bit frighten by it being yanked away from me with the words "psych" being heard. Sorry, but I worry. But want to believe.

Ah well. About all the ramblings from me.

I do my best to be optimistic. And there had been times when people say I am too optimistic. Even though I am really pessimistic and cynical.....which most people say I am.....with at least a dab of angry.

The car I got hadn't been driven for awhile since I had the transmission's torque converter freeze on me. It's unstuck now and I disconnected the electrical power to it so the over drive won't kick in. BUT, I just hadn't trust it since. I want to trust it, though I am SLOWLY still working on it's interior. Lack of funds makes it slow going.

The Jeep I been driving......wow....where to begin? I like it, it works. But the two big issues with it that keeps popping up is it's cooling system and front disk brakes. Since I got the Jeep, I had the front brakes go out THREE times in less than 2 years. The third time thank god was under warranty, so I didn't pay a dime for that repair. As for the cooling system. When I got it, it ran super hot. The clutch on the manual fan went out, so I replaced that. I changed the coolant, ran cooler. Then the damn water pump broke, replaced that. Since then, been okay till last week. The radiator broke......the NEW radiator that was placed into it before I bought it. I had the receipt from the last owner, but the warranty expired. So I spent Thursday replacing the Radiator myself cause I am low on funds to hire some one else to do it. Topped off with the cover plate for the gear box on the rear axle is leaking, and I need to still replace the transmission filter and oil (since I did swap the radiator that also have the tranny cooler inside of it), I am just.....throwing money at it.

I guess what I am trying to say is, WHY? Why am I doing this? For a job I hate. For a job that I must admit is simple if I ignore the fact I hate it. But it's a 100 miles round trip each day.

Then, sounds dumb, but a thought hit me. I know this may sound stupid and what not. But honestly, this state's mindset is set to exploit every little simple life luxuries out of you. What do I mean about that? Well, let's see. Is a car needed to get a job? NO! Is having a car considered a luxury? In a way, yes. It's your option, your right to have a car if you choose to or not. It is NOT required to have your own personal vehicle. There's no reason why you should if you live near a town and have decent bus services.

So please, anyone, explain to me this. WHY the hell can't I ever find work near home? Why is every fucking job I find that shows maybe some interest is always at least 40 miles away? I been in the work force in Washington state since 1998. And it's the same fucking story. I lived in Stanwood, couldn't find a fucking job. Not even to flip a burger at McD's. Yet I was able to find a McDonald's to hire me in South Marysville. NOW, that's close to 40, one way. For nearly 6 years, I worked in this same spot. One year I worked elsewhere, only to work back there again. I'll explain in a bit. While living in Stanwood and working in Marysville at McD's, I had another job for a short bit with Work Force Development in Mukilteo. Now that's over 40 miles from Stanwood. But I worked these jobs, cause I felt things will be better. Just work it, and it will open doors. Too bad that job in Mukilteo ended as fast as it started.

2001, was the one year out of the 6 years working in Marysville. I went to work at a Holiday Inn.......in Monroe......while I still lived in Stanwood. Honestly, that's probably still the longest drive to and from work I have done with Arlington to Seattle being the second longest drive (which I currently do). Within this time frame, my parents and I moved to Marysville. Then I got my old job back with the Holiday Inn in Marysville. Probably the ONLY time I got a job that was super close to home. And it was a fluke (too much drama to go into. I'll just say I got my job back ON September 11 right after I lost my job in Monroe 3 days before).

In 2002, I started college in Bothell. Holy fuck, allot of driving. I lived in Arlington at the start of 2002. I drove me and my buddy Nick from Camano Island to Bothell nearly every day for 2 years to get our associates. While Nick lived in Camano island, he couldn't find a relative who'll house him for more than a couple of months for his education. And the jobs he found was grounds keeping work in Bellevue. I am not joking, and he didn't have a car then. Nor does he now.

See a pattern here?

We finish college. I try to get work in the IT field. 2004, I am out of college, spent the last 4 months of college working part time as an intern at the college. No longer worked with Holiday Inn at that time. I could NOT find shit for work near home for the IT field......but I found ALLOT of volunteer work in Seattle that I am told that if I do allot of those, I'll build a great network of people who'll find me work. UH......I live in Arlington, and I got NO job. You want me to drive 40 to 50 miles on my non-existent dime to work for free for an unknown amount of time?

FUCK YOU!

2005, after getting turned down for a job at Microsoft to do tech support at trade shows (this job was in Renton. MS do have OTHER locations in Washington), along with my driving record got cleared of all my fuck ups from high school. I decided to take on trucking. Especially the long haul, over the road, 48 states and the neighboring Canadian cities (so they say, but I had done a multi-stop load that took me from Winnipeg to Toronto driving on Trans-Can 1). Now I wont' go into the drama of the job itself and why I love/hate the industry. But I will say this. Despite this job took me away from home for many days, weeks, even months at a time. One thing is for sure, I LIVE at work. No driving to and from work cause you are LIVING at your job. That truck is your HOME. You EAT in it mostly. You do SLEEP in it. If your desperate, you'll piss in a bottle in the truck. If you got no shame, you'll shit in a bucket in your truck. That truck is your home while you are at work. You drive it, eat, sleep, wake up, eat, drive. That's all you do. Every waking moment you are DRIVING. And when done driving after you run out of DOT hours to drive, you SLEEP. That's all you do. So really, I can't complain I am driving to and from work cause I am living at work.

Late 2005 to early 2006, I lived and worked in Indianapolis. My only complaint about Indy is the bus system sucks. A spoke system? WTF? Why must I go to the heart of Indy, just to catch a bus to where I need to go when I can just drive straight down 5 blocks from my place to the store? But despite my issues with how the bus system runs in Indianapolis and making me feel like I need a car. The beauty of the place is the jobs I had wasn't so drastically far away. Hell, my first job wasn't too far from my sister's old apartment. And the apartment I moved into was closer. Less than 5 miles. Probably 3 miles. Now the second and last job I had there, I drove a decent distance. Then again, it wasn't allot of miles. 15 miles. And I was told that's allot of miles to commute one way. Fuck that, that was a dream compared to the shit I get here in this state.

Mid 2006 to 2008, trucking.

2008 till now, I am a security guard working in Seattle.....I live in Arlington. I applied to jobs near here and I don't get noticed. But damn, I HAD offers from people I talked to about getting work at the University of Washington's medical building. I had offers from various driving jobs who take care of patients. There's allot of personal reasons why I didn't take the driving jobs. And I got petty reasons not taking the inside information for UW. But the biggest reason that I feel is a valid reason is it's TOO FUCKING FAR AWAY. I drive 50 miles one way to work every fucking day for nearly 3 years now. And the best I can find is more jobs in Seattle. WTF?

Seriously, WTF?

What's next? I move to Seattle and the jobs I find who'll want to hire me be in Olympia?

Really, I am fed up with this state.

I am fed up with everything.

I am going to junk my cars.

I got two buddies who's been un-employed for years cause they don't posses a car of their own, no drivers license. One cause of health reasons, the other cause he feels he don't need one since he's got the buses and lives near many places to find cheap labor jobs. Like McD's. Yet none of them can find work near home. And the work they do find is either far away that they can't get to within a reasonable amount of time due to distance, bus times and hops. Or because the damn job THINKS they need a drivers license to do a non driving job.

Fuck this. Why do I allow myself to be part of this nightmare? My time with cars is short now. I can't afford it anymore. Once the cars go, I got no way to go to work. I'll lose my job. Then I'll be stuck like these two.

I am going to jump on a tractor, any company, even if it's Werner. And I will work it till I am sick of it.

And what ever town I quit in. Well, may God have mercy on me, please. Cause I will start new some where else. I WILL make something work.

But I am not returning here anymore.

I love Washington State. But she's an abusive bitch. And I am ready for a divorce.

Fuck it. I been a fucking good boy for a very fucking long time.

So I decided to have Mike's Hard Lemonade.

It FUCKING SUCKS.

Why do people like alchohal? Even the 5% taste like shit.

But anything taste better than beer. Fuck beer. I'll haul it when I was a trucker. But fuck it.

Whee......no buzz. I am not drinking for the buzz though. I just felt adventurous.

So far, the adventure is very un-eventful with a crappy drink.

Taste like spoiled lemons......WAIT, isn't' that what alcohol is? :-P Spoiled what ever it's made out of?

What ever, at least I can now say I tried Mike's Hard Lemonade. Shit, 31 and only now I tried it.

Heh......what ever. Fuck it....actually, don't. I don't think the ER team would like the idea of getting a call of a guy having is dick stuck in a bottle.........though I seen too many porn videos of women shoving the bottle up orifice you can think of.

Maybe I'll cheer up eventually, I don't know. But it's nice knowing I have an idiot DM who tried to call me all week. I didn't answer cause I figured he was going to try to force me to change my shift for the idiot fuck nut they hired to do my days off. Turns out, there was STOLEN property on Wed night. And instead of asking my Supervisor if I worked on Wed. He litterally called me up to chew me out for it and demand the stolen merchandise back. Oooooooooh, I am so angry, yet depressed. Nothing will get better. NOTHING. Nothing.

This is why I hate being a security guard. And this is also the same reason I hated doing audit when I was in Holiday Inn Express years ago. No reason, no research, NOTHING Just, "Oh, something missing, quick, an easy target.....

I was having one of those issues where I felt like NOTHING would get better. And it's hard not to think that when I look back 10 years and NOTHING had changed for the better. But I guess I can't complain cause at least it's not worst.....if I ignore the fact I am seeing a doc every month for steroid shots and zapping me with lasers. BUT then again, 10 years ago, I didn't have health insurance. So yeah.......there's been allot of changes when you looking in from the outside. But when you look inside, I am way in debt, and despite making more money than I did working at McD's, then later at Holiday Inn Express.........I am STILL NOT GAINING anything in the banks. Just more money made to have more money taken by bill collectors. Still living at home.

Anyways, that's may beef. I usually can ignore that. But when it gets to be the shit topper when I realize that I still hadn't made my life aspirations, that's when I get really down.

I thought by this time in my life I'll either be married with a family. Or at least just steady with a lover. I don't want to die alone. But then again, I am not really alone. I got friends and family. So really, I am not alone. BUT, intimacy is what I lack in life. Everything from simple physical contact like pats and hugs. To major things like massages and sex. Hell, the later I never experienced with the opposite sex.

Point is, admitting that to myself along with acknowledging my issues from the start of this entry is what throws me into a depressive rage. If that is even possible.

Though recently I put myself up on a personal ad that I took down and won't "share" it now. I'll just say "I" am not mentally ready for this like I thought I was. With so much shit I am dealing with in life and making myself "accept it" and move on. Last thing I need is trying to put myself out there. Only to be disappointed with rejections.......or in this case I was dealing with, flakes. I can only give out so much till I am sitting here wondering when do I get some? And I don't mean tossing out money and affection in hopes for sex. Hell no, that's not what I meant. What I mean is, I strike up a conversation. I say hello. I try to get us to talk. But instead of a conversation, I am feeling like I am an entertainer who must perform like as if I am either a news anchor or a Comedian. While the person sits back, give one to 5 words, either to edge me on, or ask questions. But not once take over and try to get me interested. Not even joining in my apparently one way conversation. Not being engaging. Maybe I am dealing with ADD women. I don't know. Then again, I too have ADD. And it takes allot out of me trying to be engaging when the other side is not. It pisses me off that I am here, trying to work around my ADD to the point I got allot of people fooled into thinking I never had it. Yet in reality, I still do. If I don't force myself to focus, I am in la la land.....or off doing something else without giving a warning.......like these ladies I been dealing with. I hate people who instead of trying to work around their personal issues and instead use their issues as a personal crutch to just not give a damn.

If I was an entertainer, I would definitely be making a living off of my talent. But the talent is not there. Either way, I was put off and quiet frankly, offended. If I bored you. Sorry. If your not interested, then fucking say so. Really, I see so much fucking ranting about "nice guys" that these same women are doing the exact bullshit they complain about these "nice guys". Just tell me your not interested. Or you don't want to talk. Yeah, I may be offended. But I rather be put off right away than to be ignored and "humored" in hopes "I" get a clue and stop. Uh, fuck you. Your a "NICE GIRL" when you do that. And makes you no better. It means I can take advantage of you if I ever got to be more than a stranger. Practice what you preach....or in this case, be what you demand of men and stand up for yourself in a polite, yet firm manner. I'll give you way more respect that way. Especially if your able to be civil about it (no cursing and going into an angry spartan mode).

I got way off subject.

My point is, I gone no where I wanted to be. And I accomplished none of my life goals so far except being able to travel the country (USA) as a trucker. And even got to see a small part of Canada. Would love to see more of that nation. VERY nice, wonderful people, especially on the country side. Something you don't see often in the USA anymore (but places like that still do exist in the USA. Like Montana).

And the reason I asked, "Do you ever felt like you been cheated?" WELL, I spent my whole life doing what was expected of me since I was old enough to realize I am not going to be able to get away with anything I wanted because I was a kid. I had choices, I can do what came to mind. Or I can do what is recommended of me to do. Churches, schools, and even family all dictated what they felt was the right course while growing up. And sometimes I still get told where to go.

NONE of them worked for me. NONE. None what so ever. The CLOSEST thing I done that worked for me was what Mom told me to do. Stick to something and cling onto it until "I" feel ready to jump ship. But even that have it's issues. I GO NOWHERE like that.

I was told to be kind, be nice. Nice will get you far. How far it got me? Got me as far as being stranded in the middle of bum fuck nowhere off of Trans Can 1 in western Ontario in the middle of the night with nothing for amenities. And I barely had food to last me to my trip to Toronto from Winnipeg while I was trucking. Really, being nice sure got me far. And I been in worst situations till I started to act like an ass and stand up.........which involved me having to walk more than once......so......I lost either way.

Keep myself true for my future wife. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, where is she? 31 and I am still a virgin and only dated once......in high school. All this have done is made a conversation piece.....that's it. "Oh, your a virgin. You need to get laid man," by the guys. The gals, "Oh, that's romantic, your a rare breed." Yes, let's put me up on a museum shelf and lets see if I can be a virgin till I die at 60 years old.....if I even get to be 60. With how things are going, might as well start making a seat for me and get the hot wax tub ready.

There's allot of things I can list. But these are the major ones that keep popping up and peeving me off. My favorite is from my Father. "You just need to do what you feel is right and jump on it. I never knew what to expect in life, and I had no goals, and still don't. I just figure what I want to do, jump it, and hope for the best." Uh.....yeah, I did that Dad. That's why I was in college, that's why I was in trucking. That's why I am in fucking debt with NOTHING to show. If I just did what I felt was right at the time years ago and NEVER touched the credit cards. I would have been fine. But instead, the moment I felt I could jump since Mom was no longer dependent on me as much as I am still on her. I would have never gone to college, never got into credit cards in hopes to build credit. I think I may have gone nowhere......but at least I would NOT be in debt. So yeah, just jump and hope for the best isn't the best advice at all for me. It's definitely put me in a bind. And jumping blindly some more will just make it worst.

Speaking of college. Go to college, get an education in a field that is up and up. Any level will do fine. WRONG. The field I took was computer networking science.....but really, just working on the hardware aspect of IT network infrastructure. NOT PC programming and software analyst. Though I did little programming here and some software analyst there. But mainly, hardware setup and trouble shooting. Along with wiring and layout. I did 2 years of study. Within that time, the "bubble" burst, and now 2 or even 4 years isn't even enough. The field wants you to invest in certifications.....to the point that they won't look at your college education. Just the certifications. I been turned down by places like Fry's (in Indianapolis when I was living there for a year) and Best Buy's Geek Squad (both in Indianapolis and Western Washington State) all because I don't have those magic certifications. And I always get, "Why don't you just get them?" Why don't you GIVE ME THE MONEY TOO? I am in 40 grand in debt in hopes to get into this field. Do you think I want to spend more money on a job that won't pay me more than I am making as a truck driver or a security guard? Fuck that. Either way, I seen guys with 4 years not getting work either. And in the end, I no longer care for it. When the field is over saturated. And there's a certain mind set needed to be able to get noticed that you do not possess. Then your best off leaving it alone. Cause fighting to get into something you don't fit in to start with is just going to leave you starving.

Trucking is a gravy train. Especially Long Haul (cross country). Uh.....if it was, and if it was well managed for the drivers well being. WHY, oh WHY did I jump that gravy train? Ask me Mom and Sister about my experience. You'll find I borrowed more money from them to pay my bills more than not during my time in that industry. YES, you can make 3 grand in a week (and that was ONCE). BUT it's not stable work, and there's been times when I first got into the field where I made NOTHING in two weeks of just sitting in my truck or in a hotel waiting for a load or getting the truck repaired. You do NOT have a typical 40 hour work week like you do in an office. You do not stop at hotels every night, you live in your truck. Every waking moment is you driving that truck. And the moments you finally get to stop legally, you'll spend it sleeping most of the time before you wake back up to drive that rig. You only make money when you have a load in your trailer. And it's paid by the mileage. And it's not the actual miles you drive, it's the miles off a map some asshole used a ruler from point A to point B to calculate your pay.

I can go on and on. But I won't.....I gone a long moment here.

Point is, I feel cheated. And I don't know how to make things right. All I can do now is just work with it and not make things worst.

Especially in life?

I don't remember. What happened? All I can think about yesturday was I wanted to relax on my day off and read rants for/against women tracing their vulvas.

I won't go into yay/nay on that. But I'll just say this. For a man like Bush who wanted to make sure we never forget that tragedy from nearly a decade ago. He did it the wrong way. Since there's no calendars marking 9/11 as an important day in USA's history. And I am just talking about the US. And 9/11 is not marked as a legal holiday and/or day of remembrance by the Feds. 9/11 pretty much is just another day now. Good job Bush.

Funny how yesturday 9/11 was still about bushes. Just not George Bush. And to be honest, I like female bushes than the man named George W Bush.

I want to rant about people, especially a couple "vixens" who seem to be so poised on letting the Drama Lama fuck them despite wearing the anti-drama lama Chasity belt that I am starting to think they are purposely RAPING the drama lama.

Why am I lashing out all the sudden?

Well, I am in one of those, "I am tired of being the punching bag" moods. And to be quite frank. Tired of being "Mr. Nice Guy" cause I genuinely care.

Anyway, this goes for everyone who is just like vixen one.....

I never fucking ignored you. And quite frankly, I did my best to advocate my free time to get a chance to talk to you. And for awhile you were receptive. And even a bit fun to just idle chat. But something along the way in YOUR life that changed, and YOU became distant. The chats were not only boring and dead, but it was driven BY ME. And you countered each subject with, "I don't wanna talk about it." Or worst, "I don't wanna talk at all." So after awhile, I avoid just saying "hi" randomly cause I NEVER KNOW if your in the mood, busy, or not there. You send me a message thinking we are going distant. And to be honest, we are. But I did want to try to remain friends and not become strangers. But my attempts where not only shot down. But when I said one thing remotely wrong, despite my best to correct myself, I was crucified.

Ms. Vixen (and others like you), YOUR the issue on why people are getting up and leaving you alone. Not the other way around. And it don't help that you get major mood swings, major life changes on the fly, and pretty much flip flopping worst than John Kerry during an election long forgot....or wanting to be forgotten. Really, doing one thing, then getting pissed you did it and do another thing is mind boggling.

And lastly, mostly directed to this particular vixen, "If you don't like doing furry art and you just want to be an anime artist. Good for you. There's the door, either stop whining, or start packing and head on over to a place that will be very receptive to your art. Like DA."

Vixen #2 and those like you.......

Stop whining about wanting a family man and a man to be...well.....a man in your life. Stop looking for a loyal, monogamous man to be your lover and father to your child if your going to do nothing but grab the nearest fuckable boy toy that comes your way......only to cry that it don't work out. I am sorry, but the fuckable, hot boy toy is only there to be a fuckable boy toy. Not to be your husband (mate) and Father to your little girl. He just wants to get laid....hence why he's a fuckable boy toy. I am sorry, but if there's such things as both, allot of women would have that type of man by now. And who knows, I can't say that guy don't exist cause I know at least one. But those guys are a rarity. Either way.....stop crying for one thing, crying to EVERYONE for that thing. Getting the attention. Only to drop EVERYONE the moment you get "the one", only to come out of hiding the moment that boy toy fails. Why oh why I waisted my time on you I have no fucking clue. But oddly enough, I still have feelings for you. Anyway, for you and others like you, grow up. Figure out what you want the most and what your willing to live without, and for fuck sake be honest with EVERYONE including YOURSELF. Cause it's hard for me to yell at you (and others like you) to be honest with me when you obviously are lying to YOURSELF.

To both vixens (and others like you), I wish you well, and I wish you good tidings. I also wish that you two would fucking wake up and realized the only one that is making people distancing themselves from you is YOU and YOU alone. And stop blaming people for your hardships. And stop blaming people for ignoring you and wanting to hurt you. And for god sake, stop using people to be your emotional punching bag and ego booster.

I am finish with this ranting. I refuse to give names of these two or others like them. And to be quite honest, this is me ranting and not trying to start a band wagon of "let's hate such and such". That is not the purpose of my rant.

It's August. Nothing new for me so far.

Unless you wanna hear me whine about my wisdom teeth acting up and up to this point, I got 3 out of 4 removed.

Here's a lesson to those who are 25 and younger. GET THEM DONE right away the moment you know you can. Cause you can heal really fast and you'll NEVER have to endure the pain I had to endure. FUCK, imagine some one pinching your nerves......a MAIN nerve.....that affects more than the spot....like parts of your jaw, cheek, and inner ears. Now imagine it happening for days, weeks, MONTHS. And the learning that there's a high chance it could be worst if you don't fix it.....could even lead to terrible infections that's life threatening.

Your roots for your wisdom teeth don't fully grow out and become long and strong till the middle of your 20's or later. So it's no surprise to the oral surgeon that I am 31 and only NOW I am having issues with roots fucking my main nerves.

Since I meantion this, I am being made to "pull one out at a time." Meaning, pull one, heal, pull another one.

I had to some how convince my oral surgeon to remove both my upper wisdom teeth on the same session cause he says my uppers are actually the easiest to pull. And I guess it was since I had a tinny cut on my upper left just so he can get some ground on the tooth to yank it out. While my upper right didn't need to cut the gums. He just yanked that no problem. And no stitches. So it was an easy operation that healed up fast (thankfully).

Now my lower wisdom teeth, hell. I got my lower left done Friday before lunch. I got about 4 stitches and allot of jaw bone drilled just to get the damn tooth out. But it's done and over with.

Anyway, the younger you are, the more comfortable oral surgeons will be removing all four. They just want to make sure you'll heal well, and your wisdom teeth won't be so rooted in that it won't become an issue where there's a high chance the roots will damage your major nerve line in your jaw. They had to section mine allot, cause one it was impacted horizontally, but also cause my roots wrapped itself around the main nerve for my lower left (my upper left was pushing on the main nerve, but not wrapped around it, thankfully).

Ah well, I am close to 2 grand in bills, and I still have my lower right left to remove. Fun.

About it from me.

I had to do this. Grabbed from many. So I'll just say it's viral and I got infected. :-P

***"I'm sorry"***

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough moxie to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'


I done this way too many times for so many people. Including from someone who even did THIS on that person's own journal.

Honestly, I don't know why I care anymore. If the person acts like that and have many, many, many issues. Then yeah, I am not only sorry for all that. But I am sorry I wasted my time for an idiot and should have focused on others who really do want my friendship.

I had to do this. Grabbed from many. So I'll just say it's viral and I got infected. :-P

***"I'm sorry"***

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough moxie to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'


I done this way too many times for so many people. Including someone who even posted THIS on her own journal.

Honestly, I don't know why I care anymore. If the person acts like this and have many, many, many issues and drama in that person's life. Then yeah, I am not only sorry for all these things I done for her (and even him). But I am sorry I wasted my time for an idiot and should have focused on others who really do want my friendship.

I just been working, working, working.....

Had a buddy over from Australia, pretty cool to see him in person for the first time. Too bad he won't be coming around allot.....pretty pricey to anyways. But hey, it was fun when he was here couple weekends ago. And I finally tried Vegemite.......UGH. BUT, it does taste like something I would use to prepare meals with. So I will try it very soon. It's NOT a loss.......just....you won't see me putting a spread of it on toast, sorry.

Today is Canada Day. So happy Canada Day. May you all blow your country up before we do on the 4th. :-P

Kidding.

But happy festivities for all.

Well, I am wide awake (tried to go to bed after waking up from passing out on my computer chair), can't sleep, and bored.

This week been uneventful, which is good, cause it means nothing bad happened.

Week before, damn Jeep's front brake system went out. No, I mean it. The entire front end's brake system went bye bye. 800 bucks down the drain (with help from Mom), I had everything replaced. Rotors, calipers, broke hoses, you name it. Oddly enough, I had this same fucking thing happen 6 to 8 months ago to it. But hey, what ever I guess. I do put at least 400 miles a week on that thing. The upside is the mechanic I ended up taking the Jeep to in Renton (where the damn brakes locked up) was able to answer my questions about the tranny problems on my Buick. Long story short, I drove it back home from my buddy's place without a problem. I just disconnected the power connector to the over drive in the engine compartment. The over drive was the lock up issue.

Today (Thursday in my mind), I had a productive day. I changed the tranny fluid in the Buick (cause I over filled it....it was low anyway.....but I was panicking when I was stuck on the side of the road with it). Going to test drive it tomorrow. I replaced the heater blower motor (another thing I installed in less than a year). Though turns out the old motor was fine......just rats made a nice nest in the blower blades with shop towels and twigs. SO, I spent time sucking shit out with a vacuum. But hey, now the blower motor is NOT making noises and I am getting strong (stronger than before the issue) air blowing through the vents again.

OH, here's a valuable lesson people. NEVER LEAVE YOUR CAR PARKED FOR A VERY LONG TIME. Rats will get into ANYTHING and make a mess out of things. This winter I had my Buick parked with the interior in pieces cause I was working on the upholstery......and didn't want to do it in the cold rain. I am now very close to done with the upholstery, BUT I had to clean out the AC/heater assembly due to rats making a nest in it. I am sure they were in there around the same time last month when I had an issue with rats eating up my spark plug wires and chewed a huge hole in the engine compartment insulation........and making a huge nest between the alternator and where the spark plugs used to be. Believe me, having to wash that engine compartment due to shit and piss from them, THEN working on it is not fun. And you must wash it out with a strong deodorant. Pine Sol not only removes their order, but it does make a strong scent to cover up any areas you may had missed. You need to do this so no other rats or mice would wonder back there for a potential home. So I got a nice, clean, Pine Sol smelly engine.

ALSO, never park it near bushes and grass IF you plan to have it sit for a long while. Have it on pavement with NO places for anything to hide. Wide open spaces, on pavement if you can. And leave the hood up. At least enough for it to be uncomfortable for the little bastards. Ah, the price to learn things the hard way.

Anyway, about it on my end.

I never had the most self esteem ever in myself. Then again, I have little faith in the world.

I am not going to allow myself to grow bitter to point I would curse the world and everyone in it. I don't trust it much, but I refuse to give up on it. Cause really, if I do, then I am just like the rest of my buddies who recently have given up life around them. It's not worth giving up on life. Cause if you do, you may as well just end it. Cut yourself, bleed to death. I mean, hell, these same people rant about the world being to crowded, may as well help out and thinning themselves out.

Okay, that was mean of me. But I never had people in the past push me up when I fought to move up. I always fought to prove to people that I wasn't the stupid, irresponsible, short tempered, ADHD brat I was. I fought with my fist as a child. Though in high school up to now, I just fought with kindness. I tried my darnedest to move away from a violent asshole to the sweetest nice guy. I wanted to make people happy.

I think somewhere I had gone from prick to "Nice" guy. Not the "nice" I wanted to be. But to this day I am either an asshole or "Nice" guy.

I don't think I ever knew the world, though I thought I had a decent clue. I really did thought I did.

But I can sit here and say I don't need no significant other. That all I need is my friend's. Only to flip and say I need a significant other to love, to hold, to just feel special. To do the same for her.

But honestly, love DO exist. BUT EVERYONE'S got a different idea what love is and how it functions. Hell, for awhile now, I am finding my ideas to be outlandish to most. Maybe it's just the small crowd I deal with that tells me I got ridiculous ideas of how love is, how friendships are to me, and importantly how I believe how the genders are NOT so different as we all want to believe.

Maybe people around me are right. Maybe there is no such thing as equality between the sexes. There's no such thing as friendships when hormones kick in.

But when I think about people I get along with from the opposite sex. I still say these assholes are wrong. And in a way, I think THEY are the ones with issues.

Either way, I bring this up cause I find it fucking retarded to be told that I can't be friend's with such and such cause she's a lady. I find it really nerve whacking to be pushed away all because I am being pushed into the "Nice Guy" category. I get VERY exasperated when I have friends who tell me I should have tried to just jump in there and let these women know I wanted to date them....WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO. I won't lie and say the thought didn't cross my mind. BUT my true intentions was not to get into her pants. If it was, I would be trying to lay it on thick, or try anything possible other than try to just say, "Hi."

Either way, I feel I been Naive this whole entire time. Yes, I do have some women friends. Just not many. And these women I have no intentions of trying to date them. Though I won't lie that there's been at least one point where my mind went, "What if?" I think there was only ONE woman out of all my lady friends where I felt it could have tried. The rest, I am just glad to let that thought die.

I am 31, my thoughts of being in a stable, decent job, a place of my own, with a wife and kids is dead now. I am through crying. I am through trying to figure out how to complete these goals. It's trivial. I just want to be happy and live. So I guess in order to live is to stop trying to prove myself to people. Stop trying to win affections, love, friendships. Instead, keep what I have, what I can control. If there's a chance to go far in life, I'll take it when it's available. But I won't force my way in, I won't kick down that door anymore. I tried, it's got me burned, it's got me owing people life. And in the end, I am still back where I started ten years ago after high school.

I am me. Love me, hate me, I don't care anymore. I'll just stay away from you if you hate me. I won't make you like me, I will not even try. My door is always open, but I am willing to close it if you try to push me around.

I refuse to be an asshole. I refuse to go back to being a prick. I like being nice and helpful. But I refuse to allow myself to get into that "NICE" category. And if being nice means I am in that category, so be it. Cause I rather be nice than to be a prick or asshole.

So I guess this year I am going to work on not getting heart broken when ever anyone does me wrong. Not to cry cause I was not able to make a customer smile. Not to get mad if some one looks at me wrong.

But mainly, stop listening to people telling me HOW to live. That includes Mom. And that includes dating tips. Most tips fit for that person's style and likes......but not mine. I am not a smooth talker. I am not a "man" who'll manhandle women. I am not a charmer. I am NOT looking for sex. Sex would be nice, but meh, I been told I am not missing much. So forget it. I just want love, respect, and to hold and be held. But I am SICK of advice on how to bag a girl in the dating scene......it's all geared toward sex.....with a mind set of the opposite sex as some "weird exotic creature".

And no offense to my sis, but her advice on how I should dress and groom myself to attract a woman is good advice......IF I am looking for women who matches HER qualities. Really, I had been told by some women I am good looking (sadly not many women). And I even had one (crazy "Nice Girl" at work) throw a huge fit and telling me how ugly my short hair looked and demanded me to grow it back down to my shoulders again. And I cut that hair cause of WORK told me too. AND so my relatives back in Indiana won't bitch about my long hair when I went to visit in February.

SO I'll do what I like. And so far, I like my look, I like how I dress. And I am comfortable with who I am. My weight is my issue. So I'll work on it. I already lost 20 pounds so far. So that's what I'll do.

I didn't get the job.......no surprise. BUT, at least the interview was not a lost. Cause now the building manager and I got a chance to settle our differences. SO, not only is she nice to me on the phone and is working with me instead of just "telling" me what to do. But she's making my account manager work on getting me "trained" for the supervisor position. So I guess it means she would like me to be the supervisor "next time". Ah well, it's really not a total lost at all.

Hehehe, my B-day was Saturday, the 15th, so happy b-day for me.....I guess.....I did nothing on Saturday. But had a quiet B-day with a bud and his wife in Everett on Friday.

Here's something I been wanting to rant about lately.

Since when the word "love" is officially used in place of the word "fuck"? WHY must I used "heart" instead of "love", cause "heart" is the safest way to say you love some one without wanting to fuck them? Really, I should not have to say "heart" to tell my friends and family I love them. That's just stupid and fucked up. And for those who want to title their fuck stories and fuck art with the title of "This is Love." Uh.....no, the correct title is, "This is SEX." Love and sex are SEPARATE things, which I must admit, experiencing BOTH at the same time could be wonderful. But it's not always done at the same time. Sex and love are two separate things.

And I'll shift gears here. Just because you don't believe in love. FUCK OFF. No one asked you. I must admit, I have to agree to a degree. BUT, if some one is happy and saying, "Oh, me and such and such are so madly in love and it's going to last forever and ever." LET THEM BE. YOU telling THEM that YOU believe love don't exist or is a joke is RUDE. They didn't ask you. You want to prove love don't exist (or does). Talk to your buddies or make a journal post like I did here to rant about it. But, DO NOT go to THEIR little space on the net to tell them know what you think is WRONG with them. Doing that is only to make you look like your jealous and hope they can prove you wrong. Just because you have an issue and feel miserable and lied to about it does NOT mean you go ruin things for others who feel they "succeeded" in what YOU failed at.

Ah well, what ever I guess. I guess people will always think love and sex is the same thing.......therefor Rape is a joke. THINK ABOUT IT. If sex and love is one beast, then why does "rape" exist? I am sorry, but sex and love are two separate things that can be experienced at the same time, but it's NEVER one beast.

Forget the interview. Apperently our client finally put their foot down and told the idiot to leave now and bring in the other Jon for the supervisor positon. Ah well, I am just happy he got it and nobody else other me or him.

So yeah, last week was hopeful, uplifting moments that got crushed and not gone far. Buick, finished, only to have the tranny go out. And work, had a shot for a promotion......shot down before I got am interview.

What ever, not the end of the world. Just more hurdles. I am glad I still got a job and my Jeep still runes. What ever, I been silent cause I am tired of ranting and mopeing. I want to at least be one less negative, gloomy person on the net whining.

This week had been a mixed bag. I'll make it quick.

Work been insanely busy with all sorts of weird shit going on. From crazy tenants who don't want to believe that their monitor is "burning" and think it's our buildings wiring. To my favorite, my idiot supervisor is leaving and asked everyone including me if we want his position. Idiot me, I thought he was joking and wanted to one, get him off the phone quick, and two, piss him off that I want his job.

SO I have an interview for his position on Tuesday......uh.....ooooookay. I'll give it a shot, but my heart isn't really there. BUT if I get it.....then I guess I'll do my damnest to not fail this opportunity. I been passed up for advancement in ALL jobs I been in that I no longer give a shit. So this turn of events have me both feeling defeated already.......and actually quite hopeful to the point I am going to give it my best shot regardless.

And I got 95% of my Buick's interior done and decided it's ready for the road. I got the insurance on it and parked my Jeep. Yay.

DAMN THING, transaxel fouled up. The tranny and gears are fine. But the automatic clutch FROZE. It refuses to release itself so I can idle while in gear. In other words, like a manual who's clutch cable broke. I put it in gear and the car surges, then dies. SO, in the morning....couple hours from now, a few buds of mine will go to it where it's dead on the shoulder in Lake Stevens on WA-9 and drag it to my buddy's place not too far where I broke down. Then from there, I found a salvage yard that will pick it up for free and pretty much just take it out of my hands without a cost to me (I just need to get it off the shoulder and to their place before law enforcement tows it).

SO yeah, works been more stressful than usual. A possible promotion (I doubt it...but hope). And my favorite car that I been working hard to restore just finally pulled a stunt that I just don't see me spending 1500 for a new transaxel to be installed when there's allot more to be done to make it look new....not to mention the car itself is only worth 500 bucks. UH...............bye, bye Buick Century. You been goo to me till last year. That thing been everywhere, even to eastern Washington State and somewhere up in BC. Ah well.


NOW, typing wise for me. I just been too fried lately to come up with stuff. But I do have Shandra 30 on the works.....in case anyone cares.

I just hadn't had much to say.

I so want to get out of my job.

I so want to drive cross country again.

I so don't want to rock the boat I am in now.

I think I am in a point in my life where I don't feel alone, I don't wanted.......I am just.....meh.

I can't please everyone, and I do my best to make sure I give some tact. But sometimes it's best to say fuck all and just do what comes to mind.

I don't know. I am just fed up with life. But I got no feelings or wants to end it. So I'll just keep stagnating in the routine I am in now. At least it's keeping things in a stable motion.....just not getting ahead.....but at least I am not forced to stop though.

And honestly, I don't know what more to say. I just feel so ripped off with life in general. Will I ever lost that feeling? I don't know.

Trip to Indiana was interesting. All I'll say is, I enjoyed seeing my brother in law and sister again. Meeting my half sister who flew in from North Carolina was interesting.....she's older than me by 8 years....and oddly enough we both have very similar view points....probably a coastal thing, I don't know. Then again, she learned allot through experience while most of my crap I learned from just watching people fuck up with little to some of my own.

Seeing my step Mom after 11 years was interesting, just as stoic as ever. She flew in from Beijing to visit all of us. But happy to see me smile and laughing. Though at the end of the trip, she just sighed and said, "Well, now I know why you were so angry as a child."

And for her comment, I got to see Dad.....and he PISSED ME OFF in less than 24 hours of me arriving to visit. Actually, he was pissing all of us off. I won't go into detail, but I'll just say both biological parents are really flipping annoying. My Mom's crazy, but easier to deal with. My Dad, just a big mouth who just won't stop, slow down, and listen. In other words, allot of past issues he refuses to talk about and put closure on.....BUT he keeps expecting me to make those same mistakes. I swear, I was close to disowning my Mom once I leave move on my own. But Dad I had not thoughts of disowning him till I saw him. Gah, really, I am not the same hot head bastard......what ever.


Anyway, with work being hell and things going on around me with my private life, my muse had been really shot for a bit.

Other than that, all fine. Meh.

Does anyone care I exist? Just curious.

Not much to say really. Life is life, and I am tired of ranting about the same thing for the last decade. Life sucks, I get no where, but at least once I get a crappy job, I can stagnate like no body's business.

Anyway, I'll be in Indianapolis, Indiana from Wed to Sunday. Getting ready to pack for the flight...after a 10 hour shift. But it's some sort of needed vacation.......visiting relatives. Though this visit Dad will be there besides my sis and her husband. Step Mom is already there from China. I hadn't seen her in more than a decade. And this will be the first time I meet my half sister who's flying in from North Carolina. Hehehehe, so....this WILL be interesting. Hopefully for GOOD and not Bad.

Ah well, about it. Later.

http://belfrycomics.net/view/mostread

As of this post, I am at #2 for most read. I didn't know about this page till now. And I was told I was up at 1 at one point. I doubt that's true. But shit, I am #2 on the TOP 3. WTF? I am crying, really, I am at #2, STILL considered as a NEW comic. And I am at #2. I saw the snotty review I got for being "Top Read?" But I didn't realize I AM top read. Or as of now, #2. Woah, woah, woah, mind blow.

I know the art is not stellar to most people's idea of art. But really, I do love the art style for what the comic is. Either way, these story arcs coming out so far have been done by Seth Triggs of Buddies in Big Places. www.bibp.com Not safe for work, nor is mine. BUT without him doing the art, this would have never existed. And he's been encouraging me to keep writing. If it was not for him, I would have never gone past the FIRST story I wrote.

Anyway, I guess I said too much. But really, this is just so freaking awesome. Granted, I am sure eventually, I'll shoot out of existence. So I may as well enjoy this feeling while I can.

I been using The Belfry Comic list for years, a decade actually. And I submitted my comic to that list. And yesterday it already became a readers favorite. Hehehehe, I am actually feeling quite giddy. I hope I won't disappoint later down the road.

Makes me wonder if I should try posting it on a non furry comic list. Granted, The Belfry had for a long time now become another comic list of all comics that exist. But it's mostly used by furs and they do put flags on the comics that show they are furry. Ah well, I think I'll stop when the stopping is good and just continue to update the comic while I still have material to update with.

I must admit, despite how shitty works been and how I wish I can change allot of things in my life. This little thing actually put a smile on my face......and gives me hope that I am good at SOMETHING. Even if it might be a quick 10 minutes of praise. It's better than nothing.

New year, new what ever.

So far it started off shitty with work.

But at least everything else is going okay. Yeah, me and Mom got into a huge fight that we didn't talk for more than a week. But it's clear up now (in Mom's weird way of saying sorry without saying sorry). But either way, the attempt was there, so we are talking again. So one less thing to worry about.

Other than that. About it.

And this is NOT safe for work. I'll just say it took about....oh....I think years to write stories. Then the last 2 to 3 years of SLOWLY getting material into comic format.......and kicking my low self esteem issues aside to put this up. SO, all I can say about this is, it's not safe for work. It's FURRY (hide the children and NUNS). BUT, it's tame most of the time. Heh, so I hope some of you enjoy. And those who don't, well, you don't. Then again, those who's watching me here already seen the strips. But I am heavily considering taking the strips off of here and leaving it here at the link below.
http://unconventional.smackjeeves.com/

But Merry Christmas.

About it. I am just up at  mikefurry's place for the time. Hehehehe, so yeah. Enjoy all.