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Bluesky codes x 5 💙
General | Posted 2 years agoHave some codes :)
If ya need one, just comment ^^
If ya need one, just comment ^^
Hi, i'm Luka (ADHD/depression content vent out)
General | Posted 3 years agoHey, I’m Luka and I am sick.
Not sick like dying (even if sometimes I would like to not wake up).. I’m mentally ill.
At 32y I got finally diagnosed with ADHD, after years of depression mixed with motherhood and a lot of fuck up feelings, I got told its not Me but my brain the problem.
I have hard time to make friends or keep them because I can’t invest or keep my focus/attention or RSD , overthinking and get so overwhelmed by what they going to think, that I sabotage myself.
I hate myself for so longs it’s kind of normal that I don’t trust and do think people hate me. You know that little feeling something wrong, you tried to shake that but it come back and you start worrying, distancing yourself from the relation and when you try to come back to express yourself, you take a step back so the communication broke and the friendship take a hit. Sometimes you find people who say take your time and come back when you feel ready.. those are rare and precious. And sometimes you feel overwhelmed by people with probably good attentions, but they are pushing you to talk, you feel forced to hang with them because they are your friend, feel like your trap in their words: You don’t want to disappointed them but what IF? and again your brain is making it worse. You suffocate. You can’t choose, you feel like a bad person, they are so nice and you are so ungrateful.
If we are close, I will probably vent a lot about my family life, how I have troubles to deal with without blowing up. It will sound like I hate, hate, hate but it’s just me screaming HELP, I do not have a psychologist or lots of friend to be open about that part of my life so if I share theses deep thoughts it’s because somewhere you are really important and I tried to trust you even if my brain shout loud, I try. And the fear to lose my babies, my husband is always something big in my brain, I can’t ask for real help without fears.
But I’m working on myself and I do seek the help of my doctor for medications to ease the thinking, the stress, the anxiety and me wanting to never woke up somedays. It’s in progress, I have to be patient, I lose so many years to depression... what’s wrong with one more.
Some people will say I have a bad or do not have personality and maybe they are right... I don’t fell like myself but what its ‘’myself’’? I’m always afraid to lose peoples that I will try to please them, gift them stuff and if the dopamine is there, I will be the person always sticking to you, until… I feel like I’m a fraud, that they going to hate me if they knew or if they catch my dark side or If I said i don’t like this or that or be stuck on place. And when my brain going to need the break, my dopamine is gone, I need to isolate to charge up... who going to really understand without asking 2 times in the same conversation if I’m ‘’happy’’ with them and if I want to leave... OF COURSE I will take the door! I will read it like you want me to go, you want me to take the burden to have fuck up, again. With years of being the problem, sometimes it’s just better to stop fighting even if you beat yourself up for something you did think was real, you need to stop to torture yourself, the voices being so loud that your hurt yourself. BUT WHAT IF?
I know some actions are clumsy, some thinking is not rational, some reactions are dramatic or overreacted but I’m also a human, I’m fragile and even if I play tough, I do get hurt, even sometimes by my own decisions. I AM NOT perfect, everyday is a fight with myself and life. You can’t just judge me for drowning in so many mixed emotions, trying to reach some happiness/dopamine by jumping and jumping on games, new playground, new interests, new peoples to talk with. You can’t put your ideal thinking on me, you don’t wear my life buoy, the only thing helping me to stay alive. You do not have the right to judge if you didn’t walk in my shoes. You do have the right to have your opinions but if its just to make you feel better, more good cause you know you would have handle that differently and this and that, we can’t be friend, I don’t need to be criticize more than my brain do. But if you give me advices and I feel you really want to help, I will let you speak up and will try to rethink my approach, but it demand me time and works.
When I start a new friendship, I start with how bad I’m at it, I will lose track, forget to call/respond back, got so hyper on something else that I will ‘’ooops shit shit shit I forget to answer’’ and if you going to be angry cause I choose to play and not to hang or got distracted by cleaning, family, life... I do not need you. I do not need more toxicity to my ocean of thinking. But if you are open minded and ready to chit chat 2-3 times by this and there, respect my space and pace, I will share and try to be around but mostly if you need me you can always poke me and I will try my best to respond. But I cant be glued to a small group anymore, I learned that the hard way recently and its still bleeding, hurting and making me so weak when I do think how special that person was for me, how I was opening my door if she needed it, how I shared so much of my family, my worrying and my dark side to be just considering like hating on everything. I have some regrets but knowing and reading some conversations at the end about me, I feel like I was not crazy and I was not really in the wrong. They didn’t like me, it was fake.
So, I close the door and open an another one, hoping for a space I can feel safe again.
But brain sabotages my life, my demons eat me.
I pray for my next pill to help me.
A video a really like cause it's so well explained: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYp1nvec/
**Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense.
While rejection is something people usually don’t like, the negative feelings that come with RSD are stronger and can be harder to manage or both. People with RSD are also more likely to interpret vague interactions as rejection and may find it difficult to control their reactions.
Not sick like dying (even if sometimes I would like to not wake up).. I’m mentally ill.
At 32y I got finally diagnosed with ADHD, after years of depression mixed with motherhood and a lot of fuck up feelings, I got told its not Me but my brain the problem.
I have hard time to make friends or keep them because I can’t invest or keep my focus/attention or RSD , overthinking and get so overwhelmed by what they going to think, that I sabotage myself.
I hate myself for so longs it’s kind of normal that I don’t trust and do think people hate me. You know that little feeling something wrong, you tried to shake that but it come back and you start worrying, distancing yourself from the relation and when you try to come back to express yourself, you take a step back so the communication broke and the friendship take a hit. Sometimes you find people who say take your time and come back when you feel ready.. those are rare and precious. And sometimes you feel overwhelmed by people with probably good attentions, but they are pushing you to talk, you feel forced to hang with them because they are your friend, feel like your trap in their words: You don’t want to disappointed them but what IF? and again your brain is making it worse. You suffocate. You can’t choose, you feel like a bad person, they are so nice and you are so ungrateful.
If we are close, I will probably vent a lot about my family life, how I have troubles to deal with without blowing up. It will sound like I hate, hate, hate but it’s just me screaming HELP, I do not have a psychologist or lots of friend to be open about that part of my life so if I share theses deep thoughts it’s because somewhere you are really important and I tried to trust you even if my brain shout loud, I try. And the fear to lose my babies, my husband is always something big in my brain, I can’t ask for real help without fears.
But I’m working on myself and I do seek the help of my doctor for medications to ease the thinking, the stress, the anxiety and me wanting to never woke up somedays. It’s in progress, I have to be patient, I lose so many years to depression... what’s wrong with one more.
Some people will say I have a bad or do not have personality and maybe they are right... I don’t fell like myself but what its ‘’myself’’? I’m always afraid to lose peoples that I will try to please them, gift them stuff and if the dopamine is there, I will be the person always sticking to you, until… I feel like I’m a fraud, that they going to hate me if they knew or if they catch my dark side or If I said i don’t like this or that or be stuck on place. And when my brain going to need the break, my dopamine is gone, I need to isolate to charge up... who going to really understand without asking 2 times in the same conversation if I’m ‘’happy’’ with them and if I want to leave... OF COURSE I will take the door! I will read it like you want me to go, you want me to take the burden to have fuck up, again. With years of being the problem, sometimes it’s just better to stop fighting even if you beat yourself up for something you did think was real, you need to stop to torture yourself, the voices being so loud that your hurt yourself. BUT WHAT IF?
I know some actions are clumsy, some thinking is not rational, some reactions are dramatic or overreacted but I’m also a human, I’m fragile and even if I play tough, I do get hurt, even sometimes by my own decisions. I AM NOT perfect, everyday is a fight with myself and life. You can’t just judge me for drowning in so many mixed emotions, trying to reach some happiness/dopamine by jumping and jumping on games, new playground, new interests, new peoples to talk with. You can’t put your ideal thinking on me, you don’t wear my life buoy, the only thing helping me to stay alive. You do not have the right to judge if you didn’t walk in my shoes. You do have the right to have your opinions but if its just to make you feel better, more good cause you know you would have handle that differently and this and that, we can’t be friend, I don’t need to be criticize more than my brain do. But if you give me advices and I feel you really want to help, I will let you speak up and will try to rethink my approach, but it demand me time and works.
When I start a new friendship, I start with how bad I’m at it, I will lose track, forget to call/respond back, got so hyper on something else that I will ‘’ooops shit shit shit I forget to answer’’ and if you going to be angry cause I choose to play and not to hang or got distracted by cleaning, family, life... I do not need you. I do not need more toxicity to my ocean of thinking. But if you are open minded and ready to chit chat 2-3 times by this and there, respect my space and pace, I will share and try to be around but mostly if you need me you can always poke me and I will try my best to respond. But I cant be glued to a small group anymore, I learned that the hard way recently and its still bleeding, hurting and making me so weak when I do think how special that person was for me, how I was opening my door if she needed it, how I shared so much of my family, my worrying and my dark side to be just considering like hating on everything. I have some regrets but knowing and reading some conversations at the end about me, I feel like I was not crazy and I was not really in the wrong. They didn’t like me, it was fake.
So, I close the door and open an another one, hoping for a space I can feel safe again.
But brain sabotages my life, my demons eat me.
I pray for my next pill to help me.
A video a really like cause it's so well explained: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYp1nvec/
**Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can’t regulate rejection-related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense.
While rejection is something people usually don’t like, the negative feelings that come with RSD are stronger and can be harder to manage or both. People with RSD are also more likely to interpret vague interactions as rejection and may find it difficult to control their reactions.
