I didn't want to, but I will. I really to get this out. been years that I kept this but I can't anymore. honestly been years that I noticed that, but I feel so ignored, SO ignored.

I never was the dude who keeps his dm open all time, but when I do, no messages. now when I'm offline, which mostly means that I'm not up to talk, messages. it may not be always like but seriously, it happens often kinda. and when it's not that, it's the whole day with nothing happening.

now I can simply leave my status saying I'm online. I believe few know that but when my status has the green dot it means "message! he'll like it", but no. but as soon as leave, messages. sigh...

listen I know that I complain a lot, I know a vent about many shit, so I ask you... do I annoy you? am I a burden to you? do you expect me to STOP being like that? bcus someone unfriended me everywhere bcus of that. you know how this hurts? shit I stopped interacting, engaging with people cus they simply DON'T RESPOND BACK, don't leave a like or anything. I only see people giving hearts in my DA comments, hearts in vent posts, but I also see that people already ran out of things to tell me when I vent about something.

so I'm really sorry if I'm annoying, if you chose to ignore me bcus of that. it's cus all have I have are YOU. each single one of you, following me. becides that, I have and am nothing, I'm simply another dude in internet after all, as well as in real life.

well... idk why I decided about it, probably people will only message me or comment or send notes bcus they read this, I just wished that I wasn't so underrated like someone once said (and I'm not saying that person was bullying me, he wasn't).

well yeh, once again here is me talking about something that makes me sad. wow

https://lightwavedrake.newgrounds.com/

well that's it. I'll try to use it often

I'll not example names of any artists here, but I have some reflexions over some of them... what are the limits of the art?

some age up characters to do fanarts of them, some use adults, furries, humans, anthro, many others. stuff like that have been existing since LONG ago. but nowadays, things have changed, we need to be very careful with what we do now.

these cause me to think that fanarts (from me) aren't so worth it to do now, simply bcus the tolerance over certain things have dropped.

I'm seriously thinking that I'm very limited here. I mean, I have my oc's, but I love to draw characters I like, but now I can't, rather bcus of other people or the site itself. of course, I don't wish to be a criminal or anything, after all the art are about characters that don't exist in real life and never will, but it still bothers people.

you're having fun drawing something people will like, you gather favs, then suddenly "your deviation -XXX- was taken down by rule infringements (under age characters)". so here's my problem, you slip off, then "EEEW PEDOPHILE! CANCELL". heck, I don't really support people drawing this kind of crap, like... a certain dude with a skull head and a.... "square mustache symbol" on his arm. but I used to think, "aging up the character is really acceptable?", I usually thought doing it with characters from old media was ok, like sonic characters for example. heck², sonic made 33 YEARS OF EXISTENCE, but still bothers.

so, since these thoughts haunt my head, I don't wanna be known as one of those damn artists who don't care what they are doing, I didn't really mean to catch much attention with this journal, at least not like I was like "I feel bad for that yadda yadda", but it's a vent from, cus I'm.... actually feeling kinda for characters that don't exist irl at all.

what you guys think? is it ok? should we stop these?

yay for me

25th, ja. just wanted to let.
also wanted to let know that I'm doing pretty bad

I'm still not 100% but I'm trying to feel better, struggling. however, due my lack of creativity these days, a long wave of fanarts of my fav artists may come, cus ngl... I'm needy of attention, ngl -///- sorry, I'm cheeky

I'm in the worst moment of my life ever. I can't draw, can't feel happy, all I feel is depression. I feel like commiting s[censured]. should I even keep going? drawing? all hope that was in me is lost now, everything feel like death, like pain. I disappointed you all, and above all else, I'm disappointing my parents. what's the point of keep going

Honestly... I'm having s[CENSURED] thoughts. I mess everything up, I make people sick of me and what I say, I'm someone nobody understands, no matter how much I try to explain what I feel. All I'm good at is art, something that isn't having any return. I live in a kinda problematic family, I have to deal with things like yelling (not directed to me) and orders of what I should do to my life, even that I'm not the plane good mental health, and bcus of the course I'm doing, I don't even have time anymore to talk to a psychiatrist recommend from a friend. My only theory is that I sinned so badly that God is punishing me until I abandon those art things and start going to the church. I broke a wood chair in anger and now I have to hide it from my parents, just bcus I'm tired of bottling my emotions
stop, lukas. stop being an idiot, stop being such a spoiled darn and do something to make your creators proud of you. why can't you just do something right

I think I may abandon this account. No delete, just abandon. There's too many responsibilities to take care now, responsibilities that kill my creativity and will to draw. I'm sorry, but life is not fair and I'm not alone, am I?

tsk, sigh... I'm speechless honestly.

well, some time ago, few weeks ago, my parents convinced me to subscribe myself in a electrotechincs course. And just when I thought I would be reject... today I realize I've been accepted, and there will be classes every day.

Seriously, no kidding, I can't feel happy with that. Just the fact I'll need to go there every day obliterates my creativity and feelings to draw. I'm seriously thinking of giving, being very frankly. I really don't know why I feel like that. does anyone else feel like that? geez, what am I

1 - Happiness:

Due some inconvenience happening here (in my house, not the site), I'm honestly through with trying to find joy. I'm a sensitive guy and some specific stuff beats me, things that people would probably be like "seriously dude? I deal with it everyday and I'm not crying". Well, things like doing exams, finding a job, hearing my mom yelling at my bro, just all of this really feels exhausting for my mind, it really hurts me inside. And since these things happen right when I leave a depression moment, I don't think there's any point to keep believing things are going to be well. Whatever happens, it happened, I'll just deal with it.


2 - Making a game:

I looked a lot in internet, for help, for tutorials, even AI, but absolutely nothing helped. Nobody I know knows how to code, and all the tutorials I found are like 10 years old, and the new ones just takes many hours with the dude talking and talking and I end up not undertsanding anything or just nothing finding what I'm looking for, which sucks cus I have some ideas I'd like to put in practice but without help, I'll have to throw them away, and all I want to do is a simple 2D platformer. Well, I can't say I didn't try.


3 - Finding a partner:

Almost nobody knows that, literally, but years ago I considered becoming homosexual. Since most of my friend were men, I thought finding another one would be easy, but then I realized that I wanted to indentify myself as straight like I always did. pls don't get me bad tho.

Well, some can finding someone in internet is not really as "easy" as in real life, but I'm honestly kinda anti social due some... "home misundertandings", if I can say it that way. I did try to date few girls but it's fail after fail. Due to my extremely low self esteem, I really don't think I'm good enough for anyone. Seriously, not even the shadow people that made into my sleep paralysis moments came back ever again. It happened twice and the second time wasn't even that bad. So yeah... I give up of trying to find someone to date, for real.


4 - Being reasonable:

That might sound controvercial but I have some kind of anomaly that, no matter how much I try to be clear in my words, no one really seem to understand. No offense, but it kinda feels like people are like "duuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" when I talk to them, which is weird bcus I talk formally and polite in person, and I try to do the same digitally. Not only people don't read what I have to say but they also don't get the idea I pass, causing major embarrassing moments. Do you even take me seriously? if you don't, at least say it with education. I'm honestly a man who gets pissed off easily for I don't know the intentions behind internet words, so sometimes I think the person is trying to hurt me with their words.

I know I didn't tell why I disabled the comments but I'll make something clear: if you piss me off, you're out. think before you make a comment bcus I can't read your mind, and make sure to shup up if you don't like what I do if you're a meany who likes to spread your hate through words just bcus you're not into certain something.
if you get blocked, don't come crying and saying how much you hate me, nothing will change. so yeh, just saying that bcus as well as I receive good comments, bad ones can come too, so open your eyes. you don't wanna see the devil in me. okay? okay

I gotta say sorry, I hate to be a bearer of bad news, all I'm doing is just letting you guys know of things I believe are important. by my other vents you guys know I'm not doing well and I need to recover from it, right? at least I believe you guys do.

so what I want to let you know is... next week will probably be a hell. Next week my father will have his day off, which I don't think it will be just a day. He'll probably stay home for a long time, and you know what else? my young brother will be home... -_-*

if you don't know, my brother can be very picky and grumpy suddenly, and so my father. anything can ruin the mood of this man. want some examples of what bothers him? me inside my room all day, me doing nothing but using my pc and/or my cellphone, me not getting out much, me not finding a job. lovely.

and when my brother starts to become all chaotic and doing mess, my father will sure lose it and become boiling angry.

by analyzing those facts, I'm almost sure, starting from the next monday, that this next week will not help with my damn depression. my life is pure happiness isn't it :3

I could make vent arts to express and explain how I've been feeling these last days but... the sorrow, the emptiness, the sadness I feel inside of me is so, SO, SO FREAKING BIG that I can barely think. I'm struggling so hard inside my mind to convince my person to not kill myself. I'm doing that bad.

hope, happiness, everything I used to care and love for, all of this feel so meaningless to me, everything feels blank, lifeless, colorless. I am definitly so tired of living, nothing changes. and around me, people is willing to help me, but even some of them just end up making everything worse. so worse that I came to a point that I don't want help anymore. seriously, my body wants to give up of being helped and accept the harsh future I've got. I do want to be helped but... at this point, only God know what will help me.

if I could find a definition of life, it is to cause and feel pain. it's impossible to live without causing harm to anything. for me, it's impossible to live without constant pain. it's like the hulk... but I'm always sad, and I mean it.

recently, a brazillian fake news page was responsible for destroying the life of an inocent girl. she wasn't a famous person, she was a common person, like all of us, living their life.

the fake news was so bad it made her depression become more serious... until she gave up of life. I didn't know her, I didn't know what she passed through, but something I respected on her was how cult was her knowledge about what she felt. I'm not saying what she felt was good, but how accurate her arguements were made me feel her so much.

"Imagine a gun, and think the gun is loaded, you pull the trigger and shoot. now imagine that the gun is the sadness and the bullet is the depression. a huge mess, isn't it? yeah, depression goes beyond just sadness, way beyond. depression destroys pleasure, happiness, everything that used to bring joy now feels blank and empty. everything around you is colorless, grey, feels boring, meaningless. things like eating that large pizza, staying with a friend, having an ice cream, hangout with your boyfriend/girlfriend, everything feels like nothing."

and it's not like you tell the depressed one to have the threatment to get rid of it, depression doesn't go away like sticking a bandaid on a wound, depression is not a virus that can be found and taken down, depression doesn't care who/what you are, it just want to beat you down quietly. and day after day, it gets worse and worse.

who knows what future is reserving for me, for us, for everyone.

I'm poor, my parents are poor. I can't even buy a pencil, my mother can't even order ifood, my father owes months of credit card bills. and now, the headphones I bought with the money my rich uncle gave me are not working.
with that, not only I didn't have the privacy I wanted. my parents passing by the door almost all the time, or even the window, looking what I see in my monitor, sometimes while I'm drawing something, now "life" took me my most important material ever: my headphones.
with them, I could hear anything without them saying "low that fucking volume" (not like it even happened), but they can't explode our eardrums with their bullshit they follow.
you might think I'm overreacting, but I'm a very sensitive guy. things like that really upset me to death, and with the conditions we live... it's like praying for a computer last few more years or else we'll spend several years without even seeing one.
I almost lost my cellphone once, my laptop, now my headphone is gone for real.
what else do you want, life? want me to give to you? want my soul? want to drink my blood with bakery sugar and lemon? want to eat my eyes on a skewer and bbq sauce? what else will you take from me? cmon then, make a damn asteroid fall at my house like the nightmare I had once, end our suffering bcus it's better to die and rest than remain alive and always feeling the stinging pain with lemon juice on the wounds that is the struggle my family is passing through. I became a guy who things if you pray once, whatever you prayed for will happen immediately, but if it didn't happen, then I don't deserve it.

you'll all need to wait til 21th for some pics I've been willing to do. hope you guys can wait :3

youtube link here: https://youtu.be/gAJpcJIwINc

it's reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!
I'm back baby -w-

Thanks everyone who tried to support me, not only here but also in DA and Twitter. I know just asking you to convince me not to give up sounds like it's not that much but that made quite some difference for me.
Whoever, "unfortunately" this is not a genie's lamp that will grand me the mighty wish to fix my laptop. What I mean? I mean I'm ok but I'll not be able to upload stuff here cus I'm very tired of drawing on paper.
Well wish me luck, pray for me, do whatever you want, I won't force you to do so tho. I just want you guys to believe on me just like you did when I asked for help and also believe everything is gonna be ok. I think this way of thinking may change lives somehow.

Cya

I need help. May you help me with kind words? I know it's not much, but I would appreciate.

I think I give up. I think I don't want to be an artist anymore. At least, you can TRY to make me change my mind, bcus all the hope on me is dead. And I know no one here gives the shit.

https://www.deviantart.com/lightwavedrake/art/Look-at-him-slumbering-for-so-long-971292417

You'll need to see this link bcus I'm too sad to waist 6 minutes to just upload a vent image that no one will see.

Yes, it's my bday today. I'm 20 now. Yay ^^

You'll absolutely not believe it. I was giving few details on my latest drawing, until the app freeze, the logo appeared on the screen, and it stayed that way for many many seconds. Until my cellphone FUCKING SHUT DOWN.

Literally my phone shut down, remained in that screen for what felt it was an eternity. I hold the power button, nothing happened.
The phone was like it finally reached its final days.

For a moment, I literally thought my life was hopeless. I felt that I lost EVERYTHING. Communication, contacts, friends, files, drawings, EVERYTHING.
But by God's will, my cellphone returned to normal.

My God, thank you so much.