Just as the title suggests

I finally beat it since its release. Fuck me dude... like the last few bosses were haard~

Would anyone like a pink bunny to accompany them~ Im quite a strong regenerative tank~

(this felt good to get off my chest)
No... Really I'm fine...

It's not like... I wasted 5 years of my life with ya... A lot of money on ya... so much time... on you.
It is not like any of that matters right...? I don't get second chances... but I'm the Asshole...

Yet... Im the one... who admitted to my mistakes... and have given you countless times to change and 'talk' more... but you won't even give me one chance to even redeem or prove how much better i've gotten mentally. Im Fine.

But at the same time I'm not. Because you know about my mental disorders... and you DAMN well know... that I don't believe in medications for the mind... as they can, in the long run, have permanent unwanted effects. AND I got better... My paranoia... is... mostly under control... and my schizophrenia... I... don't even see him anymore or hear him loud and clearly anymore... I just... hear whispers from him... Which is a huge step up. Im. Fine.

But for once in my life. I'm not fine, I'm not okay, I'm surely not going to tell you to leave me alone or drop it. Because I want you to understand... That YOU, didn't give me a singular chance to prove myself... when i've given you countless... and had stood faithful. But I guess learning about your 'problem' it was a ... Bitter to hear... and also heartbreaking... because Once I heard about it... I thought... "Maybe 'he' and the paranoia was right about you." Because after hearing that... I could only imagine what other 'lies' you've hidden. Maybe I'm over thinking it... but surely, I'm. Not. Fine.

However... 5 years of my life gone... money... gone... time... wasted. Hopes, goals and dreams... Crushed. Now you may think you've done 'good' in trying to break me... But you can't kill someone who's already physically died before... or one when I've loved you for all this time. Knowing, you don't love me the same way. So, congrats on your problems... Welcome to life, where 'fair' doesn't exist... and you will see how crushed you will get.

I don't need you anymore. Ill pick myself back up... and find someone who wants me. Or find someone whom I want for myself and Ill make it known to them... But if you ever happen to try and 'get me back' like that broken promise... Understand I will reject you... as you have rejected me.

Im high... of meds... My heart beat is so slooowwed.... <3

I want... some opinions... on banny... what do you see him as...? Like... tanky... offensivey...? Supporty...? Punky..? Gothy?... Any input... would be greatly appreciated so that when i get out of this high I can appreciate it more.

Question... Mainly because I've been thinking on it heavily...

Should I feel bad... For not going to my high-school prom... For me I didn't see the point of it... But everyone says that it's something I should've done....

And after making a few close friends who would've... Quite literally paid for me to goto Anthrocon... I declined... They wanted to finally meet me... And these 2 people do mean the world for me as they constantly talk to me and help me out with my depressive moods...

I really wanted to meet them as well... Hell I have a crush on one of them but they're both together so it's kinda a dead crush regardless...

But the question still stands... Should I feel bad... For declining...? It's something I thought about.... Quite a lot recently

Im not going to name names, nor am I mad about any of this 'issue'. At most aggravated is a more suitable term.

In short it was someone who's art I favved, he messages back and even 'skyped' me. Which was... weird for me since not many I know of does that. (And you know who you are if you are reading this. Im not mad at you, nor is this fully 'your' fault. A lot of people have done me wrong me on skype and it is something I need to address.)

When you kinda just drain any scenario. Make crappy remarks like 'no wonder you get so much porn of your character. Or even try blackmailing me. I want you to stop right there and go no further.

I've volunteered for suicide preventions before... I don't really do so now, but its not the point. The point being is that I generally care for anyone and everyone regardless of how they are. HOWever... if you happen to do something to basically either make me feel iffy, sketchy, sad, depressed, mad, drained, pissed off, or even cautious... I really don't want you to be near me or even consider me as a 'friend'.

Mainly because I already feel crappy about my life 24/7 and the only people I put above me is either a mate or loved one. Not you. I strive everyday to make myself feel better and I do it, a lot. Even dying twice and sometimes wanting to go back for a damn third. I do a lot to keep myself happy.

As many would know, I'm quiet as hell. Even more so when I'm in a very depressive state of mind which is dangerous. Yes it IS a bad habit, but it IS an even harder habit to break.

Just because I have a lot of art of myself, doesn't mean anything... my 200 watchers... are just people who either really like the character (Who is a fursonification of me) or actually like me if they had taken the time to.

I'm not here to please you... Im not here to be your puppet to try and make art for you... I'm definitely not here to be a punching bag of sorts. Life and family already give me more heartache than that which makes me only resilient.

I'm not a good person... More along the lines of a "Okay" one... Just because my Skype and Steam are there, DOESN'T mean you should add me.

Please don't friend me if I have given you a reason. If I can't find a reason I guess go for it... but know Im really quiet... and don't really like talking all too much.

If you want to friend me. Cool, Awesome, it warms my heart. but please don't think that because of such ill just... 'magically' be happy. I am literally quiet... am usually asleep during the day... and awake around night... I am kind, and nice... but I am not going to get hurt because you want to throw around some tantrum because i'm not talking or something like that... I always say that quite a bit.






In other news...
I have done a few sketches today, and will possibly have some ych's in the future. More freebies.
I plan to have a lot more ych's due to the amount of effort it can take and it also helping improve my skill.

Hello all~ Hope everyone is doing well... I am doing much better now..

Now that WoW has kinda picked me up a bit. Im thinking about getting back and dusting off the old tablet... Im thinking of things to draw... maybe drawing things off of some SL rp's...
Re-initialize a comic idea I had in mind...
YCH's
Sutff like that...

My question would be... what would be some things you like to see?

Personally the 'VS' Series I had before was always a great help for practice... or even like something with my character.

I think I will also start to dedicate time and effort into sketch pages for different body types, (Bannies included) to learn various shapes in different directions.

What would be some things you'd like to see~?

To all of my watchers... I want to say two words...

Thank you

If you know me from my previous journals... I don't hide the fact that I have 3 horrible mental disorders... Schizophrenia, major clinical depression and paranoia. I being not medicated either I do my best to deal with it all.

The reason I give my heart felt thank you... Is because it does warm my heart when I see a new watcher or someone wanting to be my friend.. Even though it's scarce... It still warms my heart even though I Deal with all of this.

It makes me feel happy... And loved in a sense despite I don't have anyone to love anymore... It still gives me that heart warming feeling that love gives... And for that... Truly, Thank You. Each and every one of you.

Helloz c:
Updates include
-Still deranged
-A lil better
-Over some things.

I hope everyone is well... I figured I should give my 2 cents on this issue that "FA" is in at the moment. The main reason I feel the need to explain myself and reasoning is because everyone seems to believe that running this website is easy.

There are some things I won't be able to touch on sadly because I don't know the topology (The network map in a sense), rules, policies, access policies and codes.

The one thing people NEED to understand... is that there is NO SUCH THING as "Security". Now you maybe asking yourself, How is that true..? Allow me to explain... As a Student in the IT Security field since apparently FA has a lot of IT furs. Security is all about mitigating the 'risks', 'threats', and how quickly we can 'bounce back' after a mitigation and rehabilitation process. Security is literally like being a "Tank" in an MMO. We are the first line and we basically evaluate the situation and mitigate it all.

In a sense, there IS and ISN'T security. There is some basic security that is put in place to mitigate the more advanced stuff.

Now here's another thing people need to understand. If someone hacker or not... Wants to do something either harmful or reckless with technology, they will do it at whatever cost, and will always succeed in their hack/attack. Being a student in IT security the one thing you need to understand is your always going to learn something each and everyday as the more advanced we become with technology, the more complex the attacks become and the more we need to learn in order to combat it. Think of it as we tanks literally going against some tough AI. Its an ever-evolving learning process.

Codes, topologies, firewalls, security policies, security measures, weekly backups. All of that is just a way to mitigate the threats and risks associated with an attacker.

Being the crazy and deranged bunny I am, I tend to think of worst case scenarios or any scenario for that matter. Like worst case scenario is someone trying to delete this site to promote their own? Bear in mind, we in FA literally are the biggest fur art sharing site here, most business comes through here and what not and people leave satisfied with their art or viewing art in general.

The honestly with the amount of 'notoriety' our administrator seems to have amassed, people always seem to want to be against FA and down to kill it. Bear in mind let the past go and let the future come in. Change will come as soon as you let go. I believe and hope the Administrator of FA and the others below him, understand that they have a lot of recuperating to do, because I've had to change all my passwords... Im not going to have multiple passwords for different things.

TL;DR - read it.



OTHER THAN THAT

I've been more or less... relaxing... gaming my life away in the World of Warcraft again. Its been helping me forget my Ex... and meh... I just feel like he shattered my world. Which is one of the reasons I wont be trying to look for 'love' anymore. If it finds me... it finds me, If not... Well i'm used to the pain... Ill just whine and complain.

I wanted to do this for the fun of it. Updates are at the bottom.

1. Banny is basically a real fursonification of myself. All the things I have to deal with mentally and physically is what he would have to as well. He is just indestructible and will complain about it like me but unlike me he can deal with it. He isn't just some 'character' he is me. No exaggeration... just an undying deranged bunny hah. So every time you happen to talk to me or Banny... Your getting 'our' reaction of what we would do.

2. Banny, despite knowing almost everything, breaking space time and securing his place in the observable universe, he is still... well "lazy". He is a very unique android in the sense that he always tried to well 'Live' thats why alot of 'my' kinks are... way out there... because it makes me (and him) feel much more alive. He will whine and complain about subjects like math and whatnot and always will use the 'real world way' of using a calculator.

3. Banny is incredibly strong and like me (literally) has gone through so much. He does suffer from my own mental disorders... I've had a journal where I kinda kept track of one of my hallucinations. That hallucination I always refer to him as 'Him'. Because unlike me... being nice, calm caring and sweet and sometimes oblivious, he is more survival instinct and paranoid, being the aggressor in a situation and calling people out. (Im told im really good at rping the hallucination too... thats his megalomaniac form.)

4. Banny despite being very lazy, is always... active in a sense... active in the sense that he's always trying to 'better' himself. He's already made himself... Well obsolete, however the one thing thats a touchy subject for him is his head. The brain to be exact. Considering how 'screwed' he is and how prone he is to becoming extremely depressed out of no-where he's done his best (like me) to have a better control over his head and hallucination.

5. Banny claims he is Bisexual and leaning towards men. Despite never being with a 'girl' He normally sees them as much more psychotic than males, as some males will spill their heart out only to get it crushed from someone who is heartless.

6. Banny has died 3 times. (1 more than me). The first two times 'we've' died, was through blood loss(self inflicted harmful suicide), and accidental drowning(tripped and got knocked out by the concrete into the pool). However canon wise, Banny died an extra time, from his dad (who I made a dragon because thats what he always saw himself as...) killed him to give Banny his 'wish'.

7. Banny's clothing, is always quite different. Like me, he always wears whatever is 'comfy' this includes half a closet full of hoodies and the other half having dresses, baggy jeans and whatnot. His personality, is always kind, sweet, sincere and caring. He is still mentally very ill, as he isn't medicated (we try to better ourselves). He does quite a bit to keep himself happy, hooking himself up to his laptop to play SecondLife (Which is awesome) or playing his 3ds, or roleplaying and fantasizing about... his dirty kinks.

8. Despite his kinks, he is a total 'freak and perv' in the bed, and will always treat women with respect. He lives alone in an apartment, and had lost his family. He will always treat women with respect unless their not 'kind enough' to deserve it.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


That was fun... Now that all of that's out of the way...
Update wise... Im still trying to get over my ex... its been tiresome... and it has affected my college grades and work performance as I... well... Have missed... alot of days this month alone... Im not happy with myself... and will be trying to keep my job... because I like it ya know...
Either way... Hope all is well with everyone..

f5 i guess~?
New tanky max level bunbun

Hay Guys~
Im trying to get on as the primary sucker for a Sucking animation...
Theres no one for the top though... Any Takers?

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19506716/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19506716/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19506716/

*sigh*...
So. Getting over a breakup... is tough... Getting over one that was 6 years strong is... tough and seemingly impossible but I am trying my best at the moment...

I wanted to some input...

I originally... wanted my character... and... my... EX... mates character together in pictures... to make it... sorta ... special to me ya know.
The input I wanted was on an Idea... which is.. well... essentially free art... at the price of being creative.

I'd definitely like close friends to do this with but sadly... I was... kinda abandoned by well... everyone.
Should it come to something like last night again, where I need ideas... ill definitely make a journal known if that would be what you want...?

The premise is simple... Should I have the funds to do so... And I happen to be getting 'couple art' All you would have to do is well get me hot and bothered and there. that's it. Simple and done... and Hopefully no one else outshines ya..

Sound good...?

6 years...

6 long beautiful years of nothing but happy... memories... Ill always cherish them... But i'm... too needy for you... and your too distant for me...

I... I'm glad... that this conversation... didn't blow up into an argument... I'm... happy we... we're respectful... and calm about this situation... This day... was... a very chilly and saddening day... We both felt that cold wave go through our spines and throughout our bodies...

Im... sad... it had to be like this... Im sorry that I was your first Boyfriend... Im sorry that it hurt you much more than it would have normally if it were someone else...

I hope that you can get over this... And I also hope that I can too... Maybe in the future... we can try again... but for now... this was... a sad day... to end... a 6 year relationship... for both our personal... reasons... A toxic relationship... no communications... leaving me in the dark... not... caring... At least... I can still call you a true friend... and like you I will be here... grieving like you... for the events that had transpired this day.


i'm sorry if i'm quiet everyone... i'm not going to feel good... for awhile... Ill... do my best to get better... and let my heart heal... I don't feel good at all anymore.

So where do I start...
Liar
Dependent
Horrible mental antics
Depression
Hallucinations
Bad Habits
Self harm
Hiding it all
Self views

That's a nice list... I wont get side tracked then. Okay... Enough dancing around the subject... time to admit it all.

The lies... were... Simple at first, you know... telling people and others that I'm fine... It started when I tried to open up to my family that I don't feel well and they kind just blew me off as if I were perfectly fine. Or They just flat out said 'get out of my face' (In Spanish of course~...) So... I'm very guilty of lying through my teethe that i'm 'fine'. It got to a more serious point where I was escorted by police officers to a mental facility... the first night a woman observed me and my words closely before disappearing for 2 weeks. Me being in a mental facility was horrible... I was violated... molested... beaten by other ill people... and I held it all in. I never leave home... So it was a very... off-putting feeling I had being there... It wasn't until the day before my birthday that woman who observed me closely discharged me from the mental hospital. She was proud of how I coped with things... through either reading, drawing, writing, playing games or just talking about it. She... Saw right through my lies... and told me that If she discharged me... I need to do my best to continue to do what I did to stay 'safe' Despite my history of 2 deaths and waking up in a hospital...

Moving on... Dependency... This ones weird... Like... Someones words to me... Means a lot to me... It really does. Makes me feel alive... happy... loved... All types of good emotions that I don't really feel on a Daily basis... Even from my mate... I've tried to be independent and I think I can do 'okay' at it... but eventually i just start feeling lower and lower inside to the point where I will be quick to just get depressed... which sucks. I try to talk more... but... years of being shy... bullied... and afraid of upsetting people and paranoid that everyone's out to hurt me... isn't exactly easy for me to just... break out... I'm told by almost all my friends that i'm the kindest they've ever met... but I don't even see that. I just see me as being a cold person who just... ignores everyone despite help... from them is literally right there.

My mind is seriously screwed... no cure for Schizophrenia sure does suck, the Hallucination is... scary especially when waking up in the middle of the night to find someone standing still in your room... A Paranoid Personality Disorder already keeps me anxious while Major depressive Disorder just swoops in at different times to just kill the mood. To top it all off... a lot of people would say I shouldn't listen to my family and what not... but the thing is... is like... they're family... To me, that makes it hurt that much more ya know... I love my family... and dislike them for their actions on how they treat me like I'm the one to blame for their problems... I can't really hate... Hating just makes my head hurt... So you could imagine if i'm ever upset at someone how it would conflict with my mind heavily. And whats worse Is that some days I feel like... So happy... but then out of nowhere my mood just plummets and Ill end up thinking too much to the point where i just end up feeling worse and isolating myself because I don't wish to be a 'bother'

I used to harm myself in the past... its why I died once from blood loss. Though... I... don't want to talk about that... as I... don't like remembering about it... All I can say with confidence is that I don't harm myself anymore... Though the contemplation for the 'easy' way out... Is a think I do think about from time to time.

I hide it all... I say I'm fine... When I know i'm not... I'll always say something... to not be a 'bother'. In m eyes... I'm not really anything special... In my eyes, i'm ugly... I have a horrible attitude... I don't talk enough... I'm not a good artist... Not really good at anything sadly... Either way... If you read it to this point... Thanks for reading, Doing this literally took a load off my chest and gave me that cold chill spine feel throughout my body. Again... thanks~


Update 3/9/16 - 10:35 PM UTC -6 : Still need to remember to add things to ref sheet...

So like... I need some creativity... or at least a boost in it... But what kinda poses/situations could you see 'banny' in?
Quite curious about this.

Heh... The titles a good way on how I take things... Firstly... I always see myself as 'bad'

Reasoning for always seeing myself as bad... Is well in short due to family and how they have treated me in the past. The second reason are those horrible mental disorders that I have...
MDD (Major Depressive Disorder a.k.a Clinical depression...)
PPD (Paranoia Personality Disorder)
Schziophrenia - Self Explanatory

As I've said in the past, I burn myself out either Gaming, watching videos, reading, and writing/typing/drawing. I am not medicated and my psychiatrist before she had me discherged from the mental institution, she told me how proud she was with how I coped with it all to distract my mind to make sure I get away from my depressed thoughts. Sadly the Hallucination is... well sometimes unrelenting... though I just do my best to ignore him at times.

Recently I've been relaxing and playing games, Final fantasy Explorers to be exact. I am a paladin... >//w/> Definitely need to commission a cute tanky look, But back on topic... Depressed thoughts have been quite low as well, which is a good thing~! Paranoia is normal I guess because my family always using me as a scapegoat... But that's eh I guess. School and work is going well too (im able to sneak in an extra 20 minutes before hand now~<3 )

Im doing my best not think about the bad things that are happening within my family that would easily depress me... Being called a whore in your family when you just sit in your room and play games most times when your a shy mess doesnt exactly make me feel safe to come out a lot.

Update 1 3/1/16 5:03 pm
So like depression is starting to set in with college algebra... The Devils work... Like I could never understand math let alone grasp it so well like math teachers who seem to do this on the whim like 'that'... Either way... finished that Piece of crap HW...

Some Of my ideas for tomorrow since I don't have class and am trying to do everything ahead of time so I dont have work to turn in or anything like that... is to basically draw... Maybe some free ychs and some projects I had saved on my USB... There is one thing I'd like to update and thats my ref... But its like a small one... not like a complete overhaul... Maybe lifting the butt a bit so it looks a bit better. Also want a more... exotic... looking cock... but I still want the foreskin so... its more than likely going to be a unique cock head *shrug*

Update 2 3/3/16 - 1:41 pm
So... With all i've said in the past... Im pretty unhealthy and I understand that... I know what I do is wrong... and always will be... I figured since there's no real cure for schizophrenics... we kinda have to tough it out... and in my eyes... that means along with the other 2, I do my best to tough it out. Yeah I get hurt easily... Yeah I could be happy one minute then become majorly depressed for absolutely NO apparent reason. But as long as i'm safe and not cutting/harming myself... Ill be ok enough.

Family isn't good support especially when they make you feel like crap sometimes... And its usually because of them I always feel a need to explain myself and my actions because... they never want to listen to me. Of course this could be a reason why I don't talk as much... But I do know the reason I don't talk about my problems like... at all... is because when I did so with a friend... Cops had escorted me (peacefully) from my home and into a mental institution...

In which for those of you who think it helps to be in one of those places... It DOES NOT help at all. I was in the crazy ward for the longest time... before being put in the 'not-so crazy ward'. I was raped in the crazy ward... by one of the orderlies... not going to talk about that one. Brings too much bad memories in this dark chapter...

Math is hard. Its frustrating... I give a great amount of praise to those who use it but I for one... Haven't touched algebra or even complicated math in like 3 years and feel absolutely horrible in my class... (its been a great deal of stress and I hate it). This week has been nice... I've been able to draw... and relax... since I didn't have to go to class on Monday and Wednesday. It felt nice...~ But the Tuesday and Thursday class was math... so... Stressful at the same time. Other than that... kinda getting over a depressive episode that had been going on since like... last night... recovering from that... and relaxing... about to draw <3

*Phew* only took soo long to get everything transferred and even then not all of it is truly here... still need my icons and Profile ID but ya get the picture. Welcome to the new page~! Much more organized for me and time to see who's a real watcher or not c:<

Yes Requests are closed for the moment.

So this is something I need to make clear.

If you have Participated in one of my Selective Freebies/Requests or Free YCH's, and Have gotten art for it, You must wait until the next one until you can re-enter.

Another thing...since I sorta closed this... Note me... If I like your idea I'll see what I can do... As alot of stress piles on as school comes..

Example.
1 Freebie - can get
2 Free ych - must wait
3 Free YCH - Can get.

Its as simple as that. Unless your literally wanting to pay me to be your art slave, that'd be nice but eh.

If your a very nice person to me, friends dly and what not and very supportive then ya you can get make a request though privately note me your idea...

I'll probably stick with free ychs at least that way I in a sense have control and continue making things I sometimes like. Like the recent memories and bottom top views of the bunnies and holograms, people liked it :3

If you really really really want free art... You'd have to follow an example and literally get me hard (which is easy/hard depending how you are) that's how  Obscure_Jester was able to get a free piece of art as I wanted to try something new and loved the result. But what he did was make a short story which was very...very hardening. Either way!

Art is still coming out... Currently I have an idea already on paper just need to sketch it and maybe make it a ych as right now its just my mate and I with my holograms. A gangbang if you will~. Would like more ideas as the next one I'm thinking of me fixing up bonnies face from fnaf and getting "repaid" for it~
Either way hope everyone is doing well and just wanted to get this information out.