Lifes a fragile thing... If theres one thing I can tell you all... Hold on... and always have hope. if your own will dies... then what chance do you have? I... May give up many times... I always thing death is "THE" only answer... But... I keep trying... even after losing 'all' of my 'will'.

However this isn't a post about me being sad... or dying.... I hope I am surpressing my schizo as best I can... but slowly he's appearing more often... HOWEVER~ I am doing better... I aint losin hope. Its not my time.

Health wise... I been sick for the past 3 weeks... real bad case of the flu. And now I am better~ sorta.. I still keep getting a dry throat... when i breath through my nose... ;w;.



Awaiting Art from...
 Dephy dick sucking animation
 Rhine Couple fucking/breeding session. gift
 keishamakainn MamaBanny and her daughter~
 DigiGEX MamaBun and Icon
 Lakrust PIXELSSss
 Fuzzies4You Cool lookin~ (Unpaid will update)
 LavenderPandy Gift


Artist I wish to get a com from.
 Rhine I absolutely adore her work... I hope she's okay..
 RedRusker Gonna have to save an AUTOBUY that. Whoevers the lucky bastard that wants to be in there would have to note me.
 Kabier Her art is awesome to see...
 Freckles Definitely a Must..~
 KittyDee I love how she made me look
 LocoSaltInc Love her...
 LavenderPandy Love her as well~
 Gamer2 Love her artstyle
 lapinbeau
 tatsumichi I love the colored sketches~
 fenrir-lunaris Furrrr~
 Zeiro Secret Comm Idea he gave me.~
 Munks Love it
 NightFaux Also love it
 Immelmann Love his work..~
 Shiuk Definitely need one from him... I LOVE how he draws Bunnies~!
 Patto Definitely a fan of his work as well
 Nargleflex Love his work ~
 JustMeGabeNewell I love his art owo

Hey everyone, recently an artist moved out and needs money for living arrangements. She is very kind and amazing to work with as she makes pixel art.

 Lakrust

Give her a look and possibly buy some awesome pixel art from her~

Hello everyone~. Hope everything has been fine for ya'll. Im guessing most had a great thanksgiving which is a good thing~. I had a great time... it was super nice to spend time with family as... they warmed my heart for once... Either way... I had been deathly sick and the allergies from the weather transitioning is horrible... but im still alive in a sense... But I wish to say something since this happens more often than not.

I have a very low tolerance of liars... I really do... especially if you say one thing to me... then say a certain phrase afterwards... its quickly going to make me 'not' want to speak to you.
The whole "Im here if you want to talk" thing has gotten old... and I frankly don't believe it everytime I hear it... theres probably a small select group of friends that I talk to if im feeling down and holy crap do they do an amazing job at distracting my head, which is a good thing. But if you say that.... then I talk to you and you say "I think you should seek professional help" Thats the quickest way for me to just stop talking to you.

I HAVE seen professional help and he tells me that I am doomed... and he is a great doctor in his field... if you don't believe me read it here HERE .

Other than that if you do talk to me and I don't respond... its because I am not a good person at following up with conversations... (even though ive been doing my best to change that.)

but other than that... ive been... decent... Sickly to the point I feel like im dying but I am hopped on meds so thats a good thing~..





Art needing to be posted... (This will be updated..)
Gift art.. owned
MamaBun



Awaiting Art from...
 Dephy dick sucking animation
 Rhine Couple fucking/breeding session.
 keishamakainn MamaBanny and her daughter~
 DigiGEX MamaBun and Icon
 Lakrust PIXELSSss

Artist I wish to get a com from.
 Rhine I absolutely adore her work... I hope she's okay..
 RedRusker Gonna have to save an AUTOBUY that. Whoevers the lucky bastard that wants to be in there would have to note me.
 Kabier Her art is awesome to see...
 Freckles Definitely a Must..~
 KittyDee I love how she made me look
 LocoSaltInc Love her...
 LavenderPandy Love her as well~
 Gamer2 Love her artstyle
 lapinbeau
 tatsumichi I love the colored sketches~
 fenrir-lunaris Furrrr~
 Zeiro Secret Comm Idea he gave me.~
 Munks Love it
 NightFaux Also love it
 Immelmann Love his work..~
 Shiuk Definitely need one from him... I LOVE how he draws Bunnies~!
 Patto Definitely a fan of his work as well
 Nargleflex Love his work ~
 JustMeGabeNewell I love his art owo

I know this is like super late... And im practically just 'starting out' with D3 but been playing monk... im around 20 at the moment.

I was wondering if there were any D3 furs out there that wouldn't mind playing sometime. Im going to be mainly playing on my Monk (because thats the Banny way), but would definitely like to play with others sometime.

Im a horrible Human...

I suck when it comes to holding conversations...
Im selfish and only think about myself...
I can't do anything right...
I cant get my love... or any love back out of fear now...

I... Don't have friends...
And before you say your a friend... bear in mind... this is me thinking friends talk a lot or something... The one person who did that... is... long gone... and wanted to be mine... but... The insanity... pushed him away.
I... I know when the day comes... Im as good as dead...
A sad excuse for a human being.


I... Shouldn't... Be... Alive.

Now... Before I give my input on the issue... allow me to explain.
-I am not racist
-I am not a bigot
-I am not anything Trump represents
-I am Hispanic (Puerto Rican) and Bisexual
-I'm probably one of the most chill and nicest people you will ever meet.
-ALSO I did NOT VOTE... Because the choices were just horrible regardless... I would've voted for Bernie.


Donald Trump is our new president. While Im not too thrilled about it... It's a hell of a lot better than Hillary. Do yourself a favor and do some research on her before your give me how 'she's' better. She wanted war, she would've started WW3, she got people killed, silenced..., Had multiple FBI investigations to which she paid off by bribes... And she even took out her biggest competition which was "Bernie Sanders".

The one we all wanted. She rigged everything (And there's a lot of footage that shows this but media NEVER FUCKING COVERED IT) that would've just changed your mind about her.

Im not too thrilled about Trumps victory but i'm silently relieved to know that someone that talks mad shit is in office rather than a criminal.
I am by no means a Trump supporter but considering I don't want to die through war... Vladimir Putin, even said that he would be very happy and comfortable to work with Trump rather than Hillary considering how she's been quite mean and aggressive like.

Again... im not a Trump supporter... I wanted Bernie... I did... But to know she rigged it to make him fail, the next best thing was the rich bigot... Which silently... I am thankful for.
For all I know, he's probably a nice guy... probably like us... just has a lot of money and the power to do things. Whatever the case maybe, the future looks very cloudy. Either way... Congratulations.

So... something that bored me decided to poke around at, i've finally reached 500 watchers.

Thank you all.
I think with my next paycheck Ill probably raffle something off with me from Rhine if shes back. I currently have enough for 2 comms at the moment then the rest is for bills.

So This I feel needs to be addressed. Mainly due to an influx of people who just want to either 'add' random furs on places or some other reason. There's a couple things you 'need' to know with me. I'm not claiming to be some special little snowflake so this is going to be put bluntly.



- I have mental disorders, MDD(Major clinical depression) and Hallucinatory Schizophrenia (This will keep continuing to 'develop' in my brain until it has fully 'affected' my brain. Its progress has been severely slowed due to me not taking ANY medications).
- I Have died already twice. My enthusiasm to live is heavily lacking at times.
- I am both optimistic and very realistic in my view on the issue of me 'getting better'.
- I tend to be very quiet as i'm either asleep, at work, at school, or distracting myself to silence hallucinations.
- I HAVE seen professional help and they've said the same thing I've said. (Whatever your taking, keep taking it as it is slowing down your schizophrenia. (Shocker as I'm not on anything))
- I WILL NOT ask you to stay, unless I really do value our friend/relationship. If I feel like I am being a downer to you. I will ask if you wish to delete me. Its no skin off my back as you are a stranger and your input isn't really 'valued'.
- Don't add me and say you 'care', then not even help and just say 'you need professional help'. I've endured more than you can imagine and saying that is the quickest way for you to get deleted.



The reasoning I feel the need to say any of this... is because seriously... I get that people want to make friends... But adding me out of no-where with no 'hello, this is XXX from FA or F-list or Inkbunny' like gets annoying when they keep asking 'you okay' and they get surprised with the same answer I give.

Like... Yes... I know I am in a very bad state of mind... A mental hospital won't help (They're built to contain... not help people). I deal with my issues in my own unique way... that so far has been much more effective in my opinion despite it seemingly 'dangerous.'


IF YOU WANT TO HELP
Literally the best way you can help is just talk... talk and keep me distracted if I have time to be distracted... like when I have free time you know?
Just talk and hope i'm not busy or dealing with my issues and bam. There you go. Your helping.

Yes it seems minuscule... but trust me when I say this... It. Helps.
Talk about Games, art, rpg classes, whats your favorite role, something you like, tell me about your character, what do they like or dislike... anything helps.
Hell if you leave a message and I don't reply... I'm either asleep, at work or school or dealing with my issues... and I will read your message... I won't just leave it in the dark. I do appreciate every message that is sent to me. Just understand I tend to be very realistic.

So a lot of things have been happening around me that I have been quietly observing... From F-list, to Second life I've had a lot of people say that "I seem like a great pet" due to my personality... and how I've had... quite a few people who are in open relationships... come up to me.

Now... the one thing in my opinion that people tend to... forget is how much someones past can affect their future. Think of it how in the beginning of this year... I was pretty damn happy with anything. However after that breakup... well I crashed... and burned heavily. Way way back in the past... (Even have art of those 2 masters) I had a couple... love me a lot and wanted me as their pet... or slave... one of the two... I forgot... But eventually I signed on with it.

However that 'loving' nature quickly turned into very heavy mental abuse with name calling that I just never was a fan of. Calling me names like useless, waste of air and flesh... Did not sit well with me and eventually I broke out of that and shut them out of my life... however the lion... came back... but even then my relationship with him is so heavily fractured I rarely if ever want to speak with him anymore. And the reason I know it was a heavily mentally abusive is because on F-list and SL masters who 'did' take an interest in me, tried to get to the bottom on why 'I didn't like masters'. After telling them about this whole ordeal... they explained that those 2 weren't masters at all but instead mentally abusive partners.

Then theirs... open relationshipped people... Now... I... don't really have a ... "Huge" issue with open relationships... its more or less the fact of how 'I' feel most of the time.
Like I'm never enough
And that's not the fault of someone else... its just... with all the disorders... it just happens a lot.

I'm a very loving and caring person... I'm not going to kick you to the curb and say 'get out of my life'. I mean I will but only if you've done probably damage to my well being where I don't want said toxicity in my life.
I'm very nice... I care a lot... and if I love someone... I guarantee you I love with all my heart... My family doesn't give me the love that I give everyone. I can't be a dick if I wanted... I can't be mean... the only time I do so is 'if' i'm looking out for me and my well being... and even then... I end up feeling supremely depressed about it.
Yes... I'm mentally fragmented... I am very insane... I'm also bound to have my mental break downs... and even though I say I want to quit... and more often then not... I do at times... I still try to make sure I stay alive... by any means necessary... saying those words just... help me vent out frustrations.

With some recent... talks with some individuals... I think... I'm going to break down the barrier for me to have open relationships and possible masters in the future...
Even then... Baby steps...

Hah... Ha..ha....

He... was right... It... will get worse...
its... going to keep getting worse...

Im... slowly but surely... losing
myself...

Definitely... my contact... with... anyone... is slowly disappeareing because im losing more of my mind...
yanno...?
I know im not the best talker...
no doubt... average looking and and a somewhat crappy personality and habit..
guilty of what I do and don't do... In the end im still trying... I see him more frequently... and ive been... trying to make him disappear again...

He has become more louder and screaming sometimes..


Ill get better... Ill get better... Everything will be okay...

I... Really was not expecting peeps to fav that warning pic... hah...
Barrier broken I suppose~!

Oh yeah, Im also fairly curious.
Head over to this link here.
Homestuck Land Generator


I'd really like to know what people get <3
These were my results here My Results
I Love my lucky draw.
What did you all get~?

So regarding my past... at least childhood wise... it wasn't a nice one... Thats filled with beatings... hate and neglect... Its something i've done my best to... kinda... cloud my mind so I 'can't' remember it well. Recent past could include... my deaths, suicide... and rape in a mental hospital.

My present... well... if the past journals are any inclination... Im not an okay individual... Probably very very bad in my opinion... But I try you know... If I were going to end it... I guarantee I wouldn't announce it... Just as I've done before... I only... Vent out my head because it helps me feel... just slightly better.

Im not going to change for you... Im not going magically begin talking to someone just because they say "Hey im here to talk if you want" it just... doesn't work like that with me... Im not medicated... I do actively get depressed... I do actively see hallucinations that speak and talk to me...
I do try to live... I do try my hardest to be 'happy' Even though its just lil bits and pieces of happiness I still try.

One of the biggest things... that makes me happier than anything is 'love' ya know... Like it really does wonders... this year has just been hell for me because of it... And its something I am thinking about giving up... reason being that One day im just going to lose myself... it wouldn't be fair to whomever was mine... to just... see someone they love change and disappear... but... so far its just... something im heavily considering..



My future... just seems rather bleak... to be honest. Knowing whether its sooner or later that I will lose myself to my Schizo... is whats more demoralizing... but at least im trying..

Im young... im dumb...
very stupid
emotional... and very self destructive.

Hell... No one wants me and its a lie if you say you do...
un-attractive, People... like me... disappear... because of how we are...
realistically... thats how I think with a side of optimism... however... realism... is just... how the world works... its not sunshine and rainbows... it never is.
truthful.. is what i am... I can't lie... because of the sheer fact of how much it hurts me mentally... Its why im so honest and 'casual' speaking about my disorders... its because it is an issue i need to be truthful about.

Mad... im pissed... that life gave me these cards to deal with..
young... and stupid... making choices on the whim that others... HATE me for...
selfish & the scapegoat... is something I tend to be more often... just because i have to look out for myself. Family... just... loves putting their problems on me... never giving me a chance to defend myself...
envious ... im very envious of others... whether it be their looks... talents or some other factor...
lazy... is true..
forgetful... my major clinical depression... makes it hard to remember kindness of others...



When I say I want to die... I do... im not going to sugarcoat it... ive already hurt myself... Ive already cut myself... its a habit I can't break just because my hallucinations come strong and this silences... them... I can't stop because my depression isnt going to go away just because someone says "Im here if you want to talk" or "Others have it worse so cheer up". It does NOT work that way... I'd... rather just die and be done with ... everything... I ain't got nothing to live for... and all this just... hurts...

Nah... Im fine... mentally im exhausted... but still fine.

However... now comes trust with family... All of my outlets in my room have short circuited and in short... no working outlets... I use surge protectors to keep me connected as well as an industrial orange extendable cable to keep me connected in my room.

I hope I can trust my family enough to not unplug the orange cable thats connected in the hallway to my room.

SFW or NSFW the more the better... I plan to want to have a list..

Android Banny - Equine/Lapine/uncut member
Banny - Equine/lapine/Uncut member
Breasted Banny - equine/lapine/uncut member
Female Banny (special one)

Maybe that can help with others ideas... im going to be passing out now... work was tough...

Ideas can be sfw or nsfw c:

So this is an interesting topic I should touch upon... Death... with Banny, my fursona. *these things will be added to my reference eventually*

I do Roleplay from time to time and a lot of my time is sometime spent of F-list where I do happen to get a lot of praise for my character and the 'interesting' way on why he's a "godmode/not godmode" like character. Banny is made this way... for differentiating reasons... One of them being is that he's supposed to represent me... He is my spirit as it doesn't really die... despite wanting it to.


So allow me to say... Banny... "CAN" die... but also "CAN'T". Now its... weird to explain so allow me to touch on his abilities.

These abilities, Incredible strength, Power surges, and Overdrive all have something in common... They're essentially locked behind folders which have their own unique encryption that is forever changing. Essentially he needs about two minutes to activate those types of abilities.
- The reasoning he has put this limit in place is because remember, mentally he is very very insane.

With the other 4 abilities, he can activate them in a shorter amount of time. These are... Regenerative Flesh, Holograms Forceful/non-Forceful, Teleportation, and Gender Re-assignment HOWEVER these abilities are more or less passive with the exception of Gender re-assignment... He toggles that when he wants.
-His Regenerative Flesh ability can be activated despite it being more or less passive. Once activated his Regenerative Flesh healing performance is tripled.

Now... with that being said... Banny Can take A LOT of punishment... Despite him hating it. This is why he's either seen as a tanky character or an evasive tanky character. Banny will endure pain for some people... but its rare.


On the subject of death... the way 'Banny' dies.. is...
- If he has sustained severe injuries that his body isn't able to keep up with healing.
-or-
- The amount of pain is too much for his pain receptors. In which others can feint from a large amount of pain, this way is essentially that. (His pain threshold IS quite high)
- Or he literally 'deletes' all of his core files and turns off. (Suicide)

So the way he dies, is his body can see when he's in a 'fatal' state. Once his body is in this fatal state it will put him in a 'sleep' mode. In this sleep mode, all of his bodily functions stop. The only thing that stays on is his regenerative flesh. Usually in about a day or two, his body will be back to normal and he would wake up as if he were asleep.

*In the event of him deleting his 'core' files. This way, NEVER works. Those files are sadly 'unable' to be destroyed by any means. They will end up in the recycling bin however once he wakes up, his body will make sure to put it back in its rightful place. If he does do this, his body treats it as if it were fatal and makes him sleep for about 2 days. (He HAS tried to do this on several occasions but of course thought of a way to make himself obsolete.)

So... Thankfully Im currently in my final class which is a 2 parter... with a really monotone professor...

But if that's not enough you know... I also work... and the class is Monday through Friday 10 am to 2 pm...
I have to schedule time off class for credit. So Weekends 10 am to 12 mid day...

Plus... I work... from 3:45 am to about 9:30 am so... You know Im hauling ass...

but if thats not enough... The last few discussion board assignments, i've over done it. I have emails and replys to my posts that praise me too much for all the information I put out there. To the point where im 'that' one nerd that is a know it all. Now... Im.. probably overthinking this... but... All the older peeps 'depending' on my posts... just... puts a huge weight on my shoulders.. X~X

Im just going to keep telling myself Im overthinking it.

New icon~

Whomever reads um...
hmm...
Tell me some fun fact about your sona owo?

So school has started for me... bout fucking time the class that was cancelled for a whole year stayed available... So time will actually be very limited.

Ive sent out notes of some sort of 3 commissions for now until something else catches my eyes... Need to start saving up heh...


I now can focus on school and work now so... hopefully those will be some strong distractions for me

In other news... i've found and put my blade back where it belongs... Haven't needed it in awhile. Haven't had... any mental breakdowns... been more or less relaxed~

Don't worry...
I haven't got any better... and haven't got any worse. That and most of my physical wounds have healed so thats a plus...

I guess I wanted an opinion on my new ref that I have made. Essentially its the final one. I personally am happy because from my last ref there were...
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18028997/ - (Old Ref)
-Troubles with hands
-Troubles with footpaws
-Thighs seemed... out there.
-Butt seemed saggy
-Arm posture was... Weird.
-Lines are bolded

In this new and "Patched" ref... I've corrected all of my past mistakes.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/20922258 - Recent real final ref.
-Added a fourth toe
-Feet look like small bunny feetsies
-Butt and backshot seem more appropriate as his cheeks are the only markings back there. That and I was too lazy to draw a full body back pic....
-Less Bolded lineart

But Id really like to hear some of your opinions.

Ok... so in the midst of my... mental torture yesterday... I see I haven't explained a thing. So Ill clarify... "WHY" I am upset about even... 'trying' anymore.

A few months back... 3 to be exact. I had a Neuroimage done on my brain. Mainly to check up on my Schizophrenia and Depression. My schizophrenia was... relatively tame... compared to more severe patients... but thats not to say there were a few blotches to show where its affecting my brain. Depression... was much worse... but... Its not what I was upset about.

Fast-forward to now... 3 weeks back... I had a Follow up to do with my neuroimaging to see how bad its getting. MY doctor was... shocked and impressed to say the least... Because normally a Patient in a 3 month time-span without medication for schizo... their recent Neuroimage will look devastatingly bad. Its like a drastic change you know... However... My recent neuroimage... was... 'almost' the same as my first neuroimage. Of course a bit more darker and a bit more splotches... But compared to other schizophrenic patients... Mine looks like it had been slowed... Because I worked on myself... But the thing he told me... Because he was the doctor... Who brought me back to life on those 2 separate occasions, was that whatever it is that "whatever i'm doing won't stop it forever... It will just keep eating at my brain to the point where... I won't be able to cheat death again." While it does sound dark... He is usually a very blunt doctor when it comes to mental issues, but regardless a good doctor nonetheless... So in my mind... all the pain and struggles to control 'it' will be for nothing as it will just continue to eat away at my brain.

Its kind of like... a zombie apocalypse in where you get bitten... You know what will happen... You know theres no cure... So whats better... Live to lose yourself... fighting it just so it slows... or end it... I've been fighting all this time against it... You have no Idea how tired I am because of it...



Im not a good person... At most... Im kind, caring and loyal... IM really weird... Unattractive, Really freaky, creepy and generally very distant... almost too distant to the point where... No one rather talk to me... so I just... keep everything bottled in... I know its not healthy... and Believe me... saying "Im here if you want to talk.." Doesnt exactly help 'me' in a sense... I already feel distant in talking and depression just tends to lock me in a silent state. That's why I've been feeling like giving up with love... and life... because it's... just so unfair for someone like me...

However I still appreciate all the messages... They do help me a bit... even if it seems so minuscule... Those... Little bits.. give me just slivers of hope...

But... eh... Im still alive and kicking... so I guess its a +plus+

You... know despite being... this... moody... broken PoS I am...
In the end im going to keep appreciating... all the little things that do give me 'hope'

Im sorry for being weak.

My will to live has been diminishing... I'm slowly losing my sanity.
I'm weak, beyond belief I really don't understand why I try...

Yeah that small sliver of hopekept me going.. But why try any more?
Life is filled with disappointment, sadness and is extremely unfortunate and unfair to people like me... Who have disorders and 'try'.

I want to disappear... But something is holding me back... And I don't know what it is.

Okie. So once I get the new tablets... Heres a list of things I will do...

-Update ref (Need to add facial heart and his... Body augmentations)
-RP pieces
-Sketch shots
-maybe some free ychs~


Short n simple.

So... my tablet. Still works.

HOWever... drivers don't seem to work anymore and have wasted at least a month trying to get it to work and nothin works... so essnetially.. I need a new tablet... I think im going to buy 2... with my paycheck

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B.....A3P9EAC3KD93H7
and
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B.....A17MC6HOH9AVE6

So if anyones wondering why there has been ... NO art on my part... thats the reason why.