Just wanted to say thanks for all the birthday wishes, y'all. Means a lot to me. <3

Probably onee of the better days I've had in a while, tbh, so really, thanks. :>

yay

First off, bloody hell. I know I'm late on this, but over 400 watchers?? Thank you all so much, really. I never would've imagined getting anywhere near this many, hah. Seriously, like... Thanks. <3

On a different note... Birthdays. My actual birthday is coming up in just a few days now, and... I don't know how to feel. I've talked before about how much I hate this time of year, and that hasn't really changed - too much noise, too much heat, too much sunlight, etc. - but... This has got to be one of the worst Augusts I've had in a long time. Granted, a lot of that is due to external factors (such as reaching my limits with some people and their shenanigans in chats and streams, plus generally feeling lonely 'cause this is the first August in the better part of a decade I've spent single), but one thing that's very much been eating away at me again is what happened with my therapist last year.

No matter how I try to reconcile it logically in my head, the emotional scarring and betrayal is just... too strong. And while it's normally something I'd be proud of, the fact that I can't bring myself to actually be angry about it - because I recognize that the way things happened wasn't intentional on her part, it was just awful timing and coincidence - is just burning me up, because this anger's got nowhere to go but inward. It sucks, and I hate it.

The fact it happened when it did just makes me resent the situation even more - I try taking the slightest bit of control over my life to improve my circumstances, and it only makes things worse in the end. So I'm starting to think, now...?

Fuck it. No more running away. If celebrating my birthday in April is just going to make August that much more agonizing for me, I'll go with my real birthday after all. I'm going to try and own this last week of the month.

...Whew, feels good to get that out of my system, at least. I've got enough stuff on my plate to keep myself busy for a while, I think!

<3 u all. I hope to get back to drawing and whatnot soon!

yay :>

Okay, so. I've still got some stuff to figure out here (mostly to do with my bank account and payment), but I think I've figured out how I might go about this.

I'll be going with one slot at a time, as mentioned, and instead of a flat price based on tier, I'll go with hourly rates - probably along the lines of $10 USD (about $13 CAD) per hour, rounded to the nearest 15 minutes. Depending on complexity, pose, etc., I'd estimate about an hour for a rough sketch, two hours for lines/flat colour. Simple shading would probably be about 15 minutes or so.

In terms of what I'll draw, my gallery's probably a pretty good guide. Furry guys, ponies, SFW, NSFW, bondage, and so on.

For a sketch, I'd send an invoice when it's done and approved, while for lined/coloured pics, I'd probably send two - one for the sketch when approved, and one for the final piece when finished.

What do people think of that?

---

Note that I'm still not 100% committed to this just yet. The last few days have been kinda rough, and I'd imagine later this month is probably going to be a down period as well, and when that happens, my ability/energy to draw goes right out the window. For the time being, I'm still trying to figure out how I might go about this.

Bloody hell. Doesn't feel like it was that long ago that I hit 300 watchers. I don't know what to say! Thank y'all for hanging around to see what this silly bird gets up to. :heart:

On a different note, though... I'm sure just about everyone's seen that trailer for Half-Life: Alyx (or at least heard of it) by now, yeah? Personally speaking, I'm pretty hyped. Half-Life (and Black Mesa) is one of my favourite games, and HL:A looks like it's going to hit on the same kind of "survival horror"-y notes as the original, which is very, very good in my books. Plus, I mean, new Half-Life! That's a pretty big deal in and of itself!

Having said that, I don't own a VR headset. Until now, I haven't been particularly interested - they look neat, sure, but nothing had really jumped out at me as a compelling reason to drop over a grand on one. This, though... Even putting aside the whole "new Half-Life" thing, I've been eager to play around with Source 2's tools for a long time now. Coupled with how immersive HL:A looks as-is (I know, trailers build hype, etc. etc, but still) I'd most definitely like to get my hands on an Index.

Problem is, I don't really have a lot of spending money on-hand, and I'm unemployed - not exactly great circumstances for saving up for an expensive new toy. My mom's getting some money soon, and she doesn't mind me putting my share towards an Index, but damn it, I'm tired of feeling like an economic leech like this.

To get to the point: I'm considering trying to open up for commissions sometime soon. The keyword there is considering - I'm still not very confident in my art, and kinda unsure of how I feel about charging for it, but I figured I'd make this journal to gauge interest. I'm thinking I might offer sketches (black and white and coloured) alongside flat-coloured pieces. Pieces with backgrounds I'm not so sure about, though...

If I were to take commissions, I'd probably take them one at a time - I'm still a very anxious individual, I don't think I'd cope well with having to juggle multiple pieces of art in a timely fashion, hah. I've also got a high-priority writing project to work on, so there's that, too.

My gallery's a pretty good guide for the kind of stuff I'm interested in drawing - simple SFW stuff, bondage (I'm fine with going more explicit on this, though still a bit inexperienced there), and a predilection to birds (though I'm more than open to other species as well, of course!)

So: Would anyone be interested if I were to open for commissions, and how much would people be willing to pay? Again, not promising that I will start taking comms, because I'm still more than a little nervous about that, but still.

Ho hum.

So, y'know a little while ago, I posted a journal where I linked to some tweets about how the year started to get really rough for me? The TL;DR is - therapist of at least four or five years (the latest of many) informed me she'd be moving soon, right after I finally worked up the nerve to tell her about some incredibly personal stuff that was bothering me (stuff I wouldn't tell anyone else in real life), and it shook me up... Really badly. Like, really really badly.

As a result, I kinda ended up withdrawing from... Pretty much everyone I know, because it just reinforced to my mentally-ill brain that I could get abandoned by anyone at any moment. Obviously, I know rationally that's not true, but... Well, when the one person who can really help me get my rational brain to take control leaves like that...

Anyways, I ended up withdrawing from my boyfriend, too. I've never really been good at opening up to people, including him, even before this happened, but... Well, we kinda ended up drifting apart. It had been at the back of my mind for a while, but I tried to avoid thinking about it. A few weeks ago, things kinda came to a head, so I stepped back for a while to take some time to think.

A few days ago, we finally managed to talk about things. We both knew we'd drifted, and we both felt responsible for it. In the end, we decided that things had changed, and they just weren't working out like they used to, so we went our separate ways. It was on good terms, and we're still good friends, we're just not boyfriends anymore.

It's kind of sad that things went this way, of course, but I'm feeling fine so far. Hopefully, Wing can find someone who can reciprocate his feelings, because I'm just not really that person anymore.

I know the instinctive reaction is along the lines of "I'm sorry to hear that," but honestly, I'm fine. If anything, with how warped my brain is at times it wouldn't surprise me if that kind of thing made me feel worse, lol.

I'm not going to take down any of my art of us or anything like that, and I don't want anyone else to, either. It's not like I don't think our relationship couldn't have ever worked out from the start, just that circumstances conspired against us. Just how things go sometimes.

I'm mainly posting this just to keep my friends (i.e. y'all <3) in the loop. It also helps me get my thoughts in order a bit, so that's good.

Relationship troubles aside, my depression and lethargy from this episode with my therapist are a big part of why I haven't drawn much lately. Hopefully I can get back in the groove soon - I've got a few ideas that'd be topical for Halloween. :3c

I've also got a different project I've been focusing on that's getting very close to completion. More info on that soon, provided I don't forget. I'm excited for it, and I hope you guys are going to have fun with it, too. :3

i'm tired and don't really have a lot in me right now, but uh
wow
i don't even know what to say

thank you all so much, i don't know how to express how much i appreciate it <3

So. If you're following me on Twitter, you might've seen some not-very positive tweets over the past few weeks.

Basically, uh, due to circumstances (see that first link), the whole idea of celebrating my birthday at a different time of year to avoid connecting it to childhood trauma? Well, my date of choice ended up getting linked to adulthood trauma instead, so. Yay.

So... Even though I kiiinda feel like an attention whore for it, I'm going to reassign my birthday again, and I'm gonna go with tomorrow. Kinda last-minute, again, but whatever.

(something something birthday not found joke here)

So I've sorta alluded to it a few times before, but my actual birthday? At the end of August? Pretty horrible time of year for me, lol.

So starting this year, I'm gonna be celebrating it today (March 14th)! Why? Because it's Pi Day and I'm a fucking nerd bird. :3

So, uh, yeah. Happy Pseudo-Birthday to me~

Alrighty, so! I haven't been doing much drawing recently - in part because I've been focused on writing, and in part because I don't really have any ideas that strike me with the urge to draw them.

To that end, I figured I'd ask here - what would you guys like to see me try drawing? Let me be clear upfront here: I'm not taking requests here, but looking for ideas. If something catches my attention, I might give it a shot. I'm not promising anything.

I'm not necessarily looking for super detailed/exact scenes here, either - just a general theme/scenario would be great, too. Character suggestions would also be good - preferably not OCs, but I won't rule them out, either.

You've all seen the kind of content I like to draw and explore - bondage (usually medium to heavy/extreme, but light stuff is good too), captivity, edging, teasing, orgasm denial, chastity (sometimes), etc. - and some of the species I'm drawn towards - birds, gryphons, wolves and werewolves, and pokemon, for example - so in all likelihood I'll gravitate towards ideas and suggestions along those lines.

So... If anything comes to mind, fire away, I guess! I'd be grateful to hear you guys' ideas. ^v^

yeah i was out of town for the past couple of days, had internet connection via phone but it was horrid and slow so i just didn't bother

also yes, a bit late but merry christmas/happy holidays/etc.

unfortunately that drawing-a-day thing did kinda fall through hard, but i'd still like to get some stuff done before the end of the year if i can
having said that my main focus for the next little while is probably going to be on something else, so who knows

Haha, oops. You can probably guess what I've been distracted by... I'm gonna have to work overtime today! ^v^;

have a quick falco pic i was working on but i can't be bothered to export it right now, let alone finish it

will post tomorrow maybe

I can't get a moment's respite anymore can i
not even two weeks of a positive mental attitude
what did i do to deserve this

EDIT: okay, sorry about that
Had a bit of a depressive episode there, I'll probably be okay. Just kinda one of those things. Feeling a bit better already, so I think I'll be fine.
Sorry for any concern caused.

Okay, I've had some time to recover a bit, and while I'm still not back at 100%, I think I've got it in me to elaborate on that last journal a bit.

I've mentioned before that I've got sensitive hearing, but I can't remember if I ever explained it beyond that. To be exact, I have sensory processing disorder - I've had it for... probably a good chunk of my life, though I'm not sure about all of it, and it affects more than just my hearing - smell, taste, and touch are all pretty majorly affected as well, and my eyesight probably is a bit too, though I'm a bit less sure about that.

My hearing is easily the most affected, though. On one hand, I do think it's helped me before with birding - pinpointing where sounds are coming from, picking up on quiet sounds, and noticing slight differences in different birdsongs - but on the other hand, it's definitely presented its fair share of problems, too. I can't stand being around crowds for long, I can't actually hold a conversation properly when there's much noise, relatively innocuous audio can hurt, and it really doesn't take a lot for me to start feeling overloaded and shutting down.

Usually, I can cope with things alright - my parents and friends who know about it are understanding and respectful - but between a mild altercation with my mom and a therapist appointment that did not end well at all, I was feeling really harshly reminded that... well, I don't know anyone else with SPD. The closest anyone gets is my dad, in that he's similarly irritated by noise sometimes, but only noise, and not anywhere near as severely. There are plenty of people who I can connect to on different parts of it - the anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, and so on - but I don't know anyone else who I feel just... intuitively "gets" it, without any long-winded explanations on my part (and I often feel like something's not quite being communicated when I try explaining things, but that's mostly due to my fear of being misunderstood).

Most of the grief is, it's not as if this is just something like "this music hurts my ears please turn it off" - combined with my OCD, anxiety, and depression, it's actively holding me back in a lot of ways. I have trouble leaving the house at times because even just being outside feels so much different to my senses, even when there's nothing going on, I can't do a lot of housework because my body goes into panic mode right away (I can't even dry the dishes after they've been washed), my diet is super limited because certain tastes and textures immediately set off a "rejection" kind of reaction where I can't eat anything... Even after years of therapy, I don't think I could reasonably find - let alone hold - a job as I am now. It'd just be too stressful, way too much for my system to deal with.

So, with that last journal... Sympathy usually helps, for sure, but over the past week or so, it just... served as a reminder that I don't know anyone else I can "naturally" relate to when it comes to this stuff. Thinking about it just made me feel even more isolated, it was pretty unbearable. Yesterday was probably the worst of it, partly because my intrusive thoughts were a lot more self-destructive than they've been in a long time, which was... pretty terrifying, to say the least.

Having said all that: That was yesterday. Today, I was doing reasonably well. I'm still kind of tired and lethargic, and a bit more easily overstimulated than normal, but today was definitely not as agonizing as yesterday. I can only hope I'm past the worst of it for now.

I'd like to thank you guys for your messages since I made that journal. I know I haven't really replied to any of them outside of Discord messages, but I really appreciate it. <3

At any rate! It's half past midnight here, and this journal ended up a lot longer than I was expecting it to be. I'm a talkative bird when I want to be, heh. For now, though... Good night, and thanks again, guys. Love y'all. <3

I had a long important journal halfway written out here but my fucking phone just cleared the whole text box for no apparent reason, fucking hell

I don't have it in me to write all that out again
Basically I'm feeling really lonely and depressed, and I don't know if getting support and sympathy is making me feel better or worse
Because it just sort of reminds me that I really AM alone when it comes to what's on my mind

That's not just the depression talking, I just don't know anyone (online or IRL) who I can really relate to about my problems

I'm just
So tired
I don't have any energy for anything right now

so here it is i guess
yay

come to think of it, would it be a birthday or a hatchday for a gryphon? hmm
anyways

thanks for all the well-wishes and such that i've already received, love you all <3
i'll probably have a proper "thoughts" journal up later today once i've had some sleep, because 2AM when i'm depressed is not a good period for deep, introspective thinking

So as a few people might know, my birthday's coming up, towards the end of the month (the 28th). Having said that... I'm not looking forward to it in any capacity, honestly.

I've never particularly cared for summer - I don't do well with extreme temperatures either way, but particularly the heat. On top of that, it's just too bright - too bright, too hot, too many people bustling around for holidays and things like that. It's not my time of year at all.

It doesn't help that school would usually start in September when I was growing up, too - and I had - have - a lot of baggage around school. Harassment and ostracization from peers and teachers turning a blind eye to how I was falling apart (despite all those stances of "zero tolerance" for bullying), for instance, left me absolutely fucking dreading the end of the month for a good... five or six years? Something like that. Talk about a good influence on a 10-year-old, huh?

Even now, some eight or nine years since dropping out, it still haunts me. All the fucking back to school adverts and sale posters and everything... I hate it. I really, really hate it! I'm probably feeling more worked up about it this year, because 1) the weather's been way hotter than usual, but 2) more importantly, in meeting with my therapist over the past month or so, we ended up discussing a significant piece of emotional trauma relating to one of the teachers I had the year before I dropped out, and uncovering just how much of a lasting impact it had on my psyche.

I've had the idea of changing when I celebrate my birthday at the back of my mind for... probably at least five or six years now? This year, though, I'm very seriously considering it, because I just can't keep dealing with this. It's too much.

If you actually read through all of this, uh... Thanks. It means a lot to me.

I, uh, wow. Jeez, I never expected to see a number like that here... I was expecting maybe a couple dozen at most!

Thank you all for the watches, it means a lot to me, really. ^^ I've made more friends here than I was expecting to, I've grown more confident in my art and writing, and even though it's still a slow and arduous process, I've been able to start really working through some of my anxiety. It's been a ride, heh ^^;

I would kinda like to do something for the occasion, but I've got a lot of stuff on my plate as-is... Maybe once I'm not as overwhelmed with projects, I'll do something as a late celebration, heh. ^^;

Thank you all so much, it means a lot to me that so many people think my content's worth watching for. ^^

I don't normally do this, but  Raux is in need of help! She doesn't have the money to afford her antidepressants, and the late fee will go up for each day she doesn't pick them up.

I don't have a lot of spending money of my own, so this is about all I can do, but if you've got money to spar,e think about commissioning her or donating, she does some really nice stuff. Thanks. ^^

So, needless to say, there are a lot of bird furries in games and cartoons and whatnot (Falco, Rawk Hawk, Kass, etc.). Having said that, I can't think of nearly as many gryphons - Lord Kass, all the MLP gryphs, Griff from Gargoyles, Pete from Housepets... Those are pretty much all I know about off-hand. Can anyone think of any others?

This is just as a matter of interest, mind. It's not as if I'm planning anything... >v> *hides rope and tape behind back*

for starters a belated happy new year, etc. etc.

So, uh, wow. One of my New Years' resolutions was to draw more, because I'm tired of having all these dry spells where I won't draw for weeks at a time, then I'll get like five ideas at once and finish one (and sketch out the other four) before going back to not drawing. Except, uh, my habit of starting projects without seeing my current one through to completion is biting me in the ass again. On top of other matters I've got to deal with, well...

Off the top of my head, I've got, in no particular order:
- A puzzle game mod that I've been building on-and-off since around 2012 or so (still a lot to do)
- A VN that I've been writing as a sort of collab with a friend (he drew the art and wasn't sure where exactly to go with it)
- A Garry's Mod map that I've been working on since 2015 or 2016 or so (though this is actually near feature-complete so that's nice)
- An Umineko reread blog that I'm in the final stretch of (in the latter half of Episode 6 out of 8)
- An Umineko Chiru mod to reimplement unused CGs from another version of the game (done the first two episodes, haven't started on the last two, and after that I'd like to look at the first four episodes as well)
- An Umineko podcast about Episode 7 to be on, which I need to reread in order to be ready for it (slightly nervous but also really looking forward to this)
- A set of maps for the Steam version of Black Mesa, to extend On A Rail so it's closer to its original length (I know OaR Uncut already exists, but this is in part just an exercise for myself so I can get better with Hammer)
- Regular therapist appointments on Tuesdays
- Birdwatching, because I really need to get out of the house more
- Learning a programming language of some kind, because I've been meaning to for years

...So, uh, yeah. I've kinda got a lot on my plate. Once I get some of the more pressing stuff out of the way (mainly the Umineko podcast, since that's not strictly on my schedule) I'll have more time to get back to drawing, but for the time being art's kinda on the backburner, unfortunately.

Hopefully I won't be too rusty by the time I get back to drawing, but... Eh, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.