Alright, so as of lately I've been trying to be more social, to make new friends and such but I've been hitting a wall.

I am simply useless, that is I have no value of my own, I'm not very funny or talkative, I don't really do art or write or other stuff of value, and as of lately I've been really blocking on roleplay as well.

Like, I can't roleplay like I used to, when I try I just find it tiresome and I'm not very good at it anymore, I mean I don't have any
creativity to put into it or effort. I just feel like I have no value, why would anyone be my friend if I cannot provide them with anything? Why would someone love me if I can't produce anything of value to them?

I dunno, I just feel really crappy right now, no matter how much I try it seem like I cannot produce anything at all, I am useless.


I know, real friends will like you no matter if you're productive or not, but those are very rare, most people look at you for what
you can produce, what you can give them, and if you can't give them anything then you're not worthy of their love.

I just... I wanna be loved, I try, I do, but it just doesn't work.


I dunno, maybe I'm just being a little bitch and I should just suffer in silence like so many people do.

My skype is kernac_kernac for anyone who feels like chatting right now.

So I've been thinking about ways to get money, especially since I have so few for myself.

I've started to think about what I could do, what I was good at, and then I thought of this: Money for RPs.


It might sound ridiculous, but hear me out: Despite my poor grammar I've been told I'm a pretty good RPer, and seeing on how difficult it can be sometimes to get a good RP, especially if you play prey only, I thought: what if I offer to roleplay with people, exatly how they enjoy it? Isn't giving someone a good time worth something?

Now hear me out, I'm not thinking of having a foxed price per session or anything like that, instead I was thinking of a system similar to tiping. What I mean by that is: If we RPed together and you had a good time, you could choose to leave a tip of sort, whatever you feel like and if you don't feel like leaving anything then don't. However if you don't I will be far less likely to RP with you again.

This idea is kinda weird, I feel weird thinking about it, kinda feels like RP prostitution. But then again if I give people a good time, then why not reward me for it?

I dunno, its just a weird idea I had, comments? Idea?

I'm not kidding, 2014 was the worst year of my life, depression has almost pushed me to suicide many times, but its in the past now so let's not dwelve on that shall we?

Instead, let's look up at the future, our future, and do our best to make it as bright as it can be.

To 2015! To a new hope, a new beginning and a new chance!

I did.

Despite being alone for christmas, you guys have made my day quite enjoyable, with all your cheers and good willl, you made me forget my loneliness and made me smile throuout the day.

It is then I realised something.

I was happy, I am happy... and I cried, because I felt a happiness I haven't felt in years.


Thank you guys and gals, from the bottom of my hearth, thank you <3

I know this christmas is kind of shitty, and I shouldn't be happy right now...

But what the hell, I am, and I wish a merry christmas and happy holidays to everybody!


Merry christmas to you, merry christmas to everyone!

Seriously, its raining...

On christmas eve.... least magical night ever!

I would like to thank the people who supported me on my last journal.

I don't know much what to say, but thanks to everyone who did. I wanted to thank each of you personally, but I cannot go back to that page, it makes me feel too bad, call me a pussy if you like, I don't care. I am a pussy, I'm extremely sensitive and I know I should man up and not let these things bother me but they do.

Anyway, I wanted to thank all of you and apologize, because it was stupid and selfish of me. I don't really know how to express this, I do not have the words.

With a plastic bag, tied around my neck. Gonna knock myself out with pills and then I will run out of oxigen in the bag, suffocating myself to death.

There is nothing left for me here, no hope, no future, no possible happiness.

My brain is sick... and it hurts... why does it hurt? What am I even? I have no friends left, everyone hates me, despises me, they all think I am weak, a looser.

Every day, I feel like trusting a knif into my skull, so that it might quiet the pain that is within it.

God make it stop, I can't stand it anymore.

Its hard being alone.

Those who have famillies, who have friends and loved one, don't know just how lucky they are, how blessed their life are. I do not have a family, I do not have loved ones. I love no one, and no one loves me.

The only family I have left is my mom, which lives thousands of miles away, with no way of getting in contact with her really. I have no father, never had, my father abandoned me before I was even born, I never knew him and he has done his best to make sure I couldn't find him. I have no brother or sisters, my aunt and uncles live very far away and refuses to speak to me or my mother because of past feuds. All of my grandparents are dead.

I have no family, none what so ever, I am all alone in this world, and so shall I die alone.

The demons in my head that torture me every day also pushes me away from any friends I might have had. Every single day I am more alone and in this time which is joyous and blessed for other people I find myself more in darkness then I have ever been.

There is no light, there is no hope.

All there is is darkness, and cold.

There is no laughter, only silence.


What will become of me, I wonder? My mind is against me, it has become my enemy.


I am in hell.

*Sigh*

What am I even doing here? What is it even worth?

So I saw the movie. And i like it. A lot.

Its funny, action-packed and very indeering.




So that is my review. Now go watch the damn movie!

I want to appologies for my last journal, titled "Suicide" and to a lesser extend, for the previous journal titled "Retiring from social life."

I am sorry, because I know people get really worried about me, and when I post this kind of journal, it hurts people, people who care about me. I want to reasure everyone: I am not going to kill myself, and neither will I abandoned everyone and cut myself completely from social life.

I would like to thank everyone who talked to me, who cares for me and who reasoned with me, I know it is often hard to deal with me and it often feel like I'm not putting in any effort.


Alright, let me try and explain my behavior... I am diagnosed with clinical depression as well as asperger's syndrom (And yes, both of those where diagnosed by a proper psychiatrist.) Sometimes I get these moods... I don't know how to really call them, the closest thing I can relate them to are panic attacks, but they're not exatly that either.

Basicly, when something happens and it upset me, sometime I become extremely upset and sad, like, way more then the situation calls for... but it is what happens. When I get these "attacks" I become extremely self-loathing and self-destructive, often I end up posting a journal about suicide. Many people think this is only a ploy to get attention, well they are partialy right, as I do end up craving attention when I get like that.

But understand, its not just a cry for attention, it goes much deeper then that, I am not trying to manipulate people into pitying me... I did hurt myself in the past when I had these attacks, its like there is so much emotion and pain that comes up at one that my mind gets confused, and when this happens I do not think logicaly anymore... I am not myself anymore.


I am taking meds, but there is only so much those can do. I will be starting a therapy sometime in the near future, but the date is still to be confirmed.


I am really thankful, to everyone who speaks to me and care for me while I get those attacks, all of your words and advice helps me stay calm and resist hurting myself until I start feeling better again.




I am sorry if it feels like a broken record, I know this happened countless times in the past already, and I know it is selfish, to worry and hurt others so I can feel better, I will try and make it up to you, all of you, perhaps with some free art? I am yet not very confident with my art, but I have nothing else to offer... so if you want me to draw you something, just say so and I will try (No garanty about the result tho.)



So please, everyone, accept my appology and... let me make something for you, it would help me feel better, to the very least.

I've just been thinking about it a lot.


I... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to think, or what I want.


Been thinking about ways to kill myself, like via rat poison, or pills. But most likely I will be going for asphyxiation, tie a plastic bag around my head and then knock myself out with pills... painless and clean.

I just... I don't know anymore, I don't know what is going on in my head, I don't know what the pills are doing to me...

It feels like everyone hates and despise me, it feels like nobody respect me. I feel like because of my autism and clinical depression I will never be able to have a normal life... I feel like I screwed up everything and now its too late to fix things.

Is my life nothing more then a big fuck up? I don't know anymore, everything is confused in my head.







I love you all, I love you all so much.... and I don't know what to do to solve this, every time I try to socialise it feels like I fail and set myself back even more.



Maybe I should kill myself... after all I'm just a big fuck-up, I do nothing right and nobody likes me.



Arggh.... why am I so retarded? I need something to dull the pain.

Some of you might have noticed I haven't been around much recently.


I have decided to quite any online social life, that means no chatting, no posting, no commenting ect... The whole thing is just too stressful for me, I found that not getting involved and staying invisible is easyer on my emotions.

You know, I wanted so much to have friends, and being part of the community, being part of something. But I am unfit for that, having friends is so much trouble, its so much pressure, I'm not cut out for that.

So I am going back to lurking, no more friends, no more socializing, back to being invisible, where I am most comfortable.

Yes, you.

And you, and you, and you too. I love you all so much. You're fantastic, creative, hardworking.... just really awesome.

I love you.

I love you.

And if I never get to see you again.... I love you.

Ok, so I haven't talked about this yet, but its gone to a point where its hard to ignor.

Ever since I helped my mom move two weeks ago, I've been having back pains again, only this time it isn't in the upper back like before, its in the lower back/butt area.

I thought it would go away with time, but it just got worst, tomorow I'm going to see the doctor, today it got so bad I couldn't even sit anymore.

So yeah, it makes it pretty hard to skype or do anything, just writting this is pretty painful. I don't know what I will need to do about it, might be a while before I can resum my normal activities. :(

Ok, so I've been drawing a lot recently, and I do mean a lot, haven't posted much because its just not worth it.

You know, I once had it for ambition to become an artist, to post stuff and maybe become popular or something, but exploring the subject more in depth made me realise it just wasn't made for me. There's something about art... you have it or you don't, and I don't.

They say practice makes perfect and hard work can overcome anything, well not in this case anyway. No matter how hard I try, no matter how often I try... there is just something about it that evades me. You have to have talent to begin with to develope it, and seeing as I don't even like drawing... well I can't get better at it. I do not enjoy drawing, no matter how much I try.... so there is no use to keep on trying, its just over.

Althought, that tehnicly means I am of no values whatsoever.


I have no money, so I cannot remain relevant by purchasing art, I have no art skills of my own, no matter how much I try, I have no talent, no affinity for art.

I'm also completely devoided of social skills, in the past I often found myself trying to make friends without any success whatsoever, and that is because I'm not sociable in any way shape or form, I have nothing to say to people, and I have nothing to tell them.

I am completely worthless, and as such I shall fade into non-existence sooner or later, it already began.


I just couldn't keep up with the world, I was hoping at some point to be rememebered, but I have nothing even remotely exeptional to be rememebered with, people will forget about me, it is inevitable as I have nothing to offer to anyone.

Just saying.


Thumbs up to anyone who gets the reference.

Sometimes I find myself contemplating death... but not for the reson you might think.

Somehow, I find myself wondering if I could mark people by killing myself.... I mean, if my death affects people, that would have meaned that my life mattered.


Sometimes I wanna kill myself just to make an impact, to shock people out of their complecency... If I can shock people wnough, then I will be remembered, then I will finaly exist. Sometimes, I feel so much pain... I just wanna make everyone feel my pain, make them hurt, make them suffer... so that maybe my life would have meant something.

If I kill myself, wouldn't I finaly become relevant to the people? Wouldn't I finaly be aknoledged?


I don't even know anymore... I'm just searching for a meaning to my life, maybe dying is this meaning?

No matter how hard I try, I keep failing at art... I may seem to have churned out a few good pics in the past but.... I used a model for pretty much everyone of them. There just seem to be no future for me, everytime I try to create something from nothing.... well let's just say it ends up being a catastrophic failure.

Is it feasable to recycle myself into a writter? I mean, writter are obviously not as popular as artist... and I want people to care about what I do, how can one become a popular writter? Is there such a thing? Can my writting bring me to the attention of more people?

Still working on the system, should be done soon enough.

I have deleted all of my journals and all of my art, again.


And there I had such a good start. Yesterday I had a burst of energy amd motivation.... but today... it all went downhill.


This journal is.... pretty much just about whinning in confusion. I started a new medication today... and I went into a state of mind I never had been before.... it was like being stuck in a great void and nothing mattered anymore, nothing had value, everthing wa just... a mess.


I am ashame, and do not know what to do now. You are all rightfully tired of me, maybe I should just go away.


I have no idea, I'm confused, and scared.... its like my brain cannot conceive a future anymore.