Hey there.

Today I created a bunch of folders for my gallery. I really like having folders, it makes things much more organised and neat. Let me know what you think of my arrangement^^

-Kernac.

Hey there everyone.

For the last two months I haven't been feeling very well, mostly due to a sudden change of my anti-depressant medication. Well I've been feeling a bit better for about a week now.

My psychiatrist has increased my medication and I feel kinda alright now, when I first made the change I really wasn't feeling good but with a little time I felt alright again.

So I'm gonna try to be more active from now on, I don't know if it will work yet, we will just have to see. Mostly I just wanted to let you all know I wasn't feeling as crappy anymore.

I don't feel anything anymore. I feel like I've lost my soul... I feel no sadness nor joy.

I have no desire anymore... nothing seems interesting in the slightest, nothing entertains me anymore. I'm no longer Kernac, I'm just an empty shell... its as if I wasn't truly alive.

Life bores me now, everything is grey... nothing brings me joy. I have no soul anymore, I'm no one.

Why is this happening to me? I feel like I'm going crazy... Whats the point of living if you can't even feel joy anymore? Its not even like I feel bad... I just don't feel anything at all... I get so bored, so bored of everything.

I've lost interest in everything.... I don't even know if its the depression or the anti-depressant. I don't know what to do...

I don't know whats happening to me, I just haven't been feeling good at all as of recently.

It feels like no matter what I do nothing can make me happy anymore. I cannot find joy in anything at all. I just don't know whats happening to me... I can't even roleplay anymore.

It feels like I'm trapped in a never ending nightmare... every day I wonder why I'm even alive. This anti-depressant doesn't work at all.

I don't know... I just feel so bad right now...

Hello!

So last week I really wasn't feeling very good, mainly because I was making a switch to a new anti-depressant ( it takes a while for the new meds to take effect.) But this week I am feeling alright, the anti-depressant is starting to take effect and I don't feel as bad anymore.

So I will be slowly coming back to being active, commenting, posting and all that kind of stuff.

So yay for that :D

I haven't been feeling so good for the last few days.

I've just been feeling lazy and unmotivated about everything, its like nothing gets me exited about anything, I have lost all interest in pretty much anything at all. For as long as I feel this way I'm not going to comment much or post or be active at all.
Its like all the fun and happiness has been sucked out of life.

I know it will take a long while before I'm back at being my old self because this happened before, you see most anti-depressant start active within two weeks but takes up to 8 weeks to reach their full strength, in the past I have felt like this up until that 8 weeks marks.

So see you all in 8 weeks I guess, or maybe in 16 if I need to change anti-depressant again, which is likely.

Hugh, I hate being sick.

I've started feeling ill yesterday and had a really hard time sleeping last night. Today I woke up with a huge headache and I just feel tired and unmotivated. I also have a constant stomach ache and often feel like I'm about to puke.

I haven't been sick in a very long time, so I guess my number was up. I'll probably be pretty lazy for the next couple of days and not do much work.

-Peace.

Greetings.

So last friday I had an episode of depression. How do I know it was depression and not just me feeling bad for X reasons? Well for one it wasn't caused by anything, I simply started feeling bad for no reason and I felt bad for a full 5 hours afterward. Also, the feeling wasn't the same as when I simply feel bad because of crappy things happening in my life, its hard to explain but I recognized the feeling of depression, this kind of weird feeling of sadness and self loathing is unmistakable.

So why is this happening? Well I am in transition from my old anti-depressant to a new one right now, let me explain: I was on an anti-depressant that worked really well, I was happy and everything was fine, but due to an oversight from my psychiatrist that medication is no longer covered, forcing me to adopt another anti-depressant for the time being. Basically, my psychiatrist needed to fill out a special request form for my medication to be covered and he kept putting if off, he has made the request now but it takes 8 weeks for the request to be processed. If he had made the request when I originally asked him to by now it would be done and I would still have the medication that I need. He has made the request now but it will take 8 week before my meds are covered again. So now I'm on a new anti-depressant, have been for a week now, it usually takes 2 weeks for an anti-depressant to start taking effect and up to 8 weeks before it reaches full strength, so to a minimum I will still be susceptible to depression for another week still. That is, if those anti-depressant work for me.

Not all anti-depressant work for everyone, everyone has a different brain chemistry so trying out anti-depressant is really a shot in the dark as to if they will work or not. If those do not work, it will be 7 weeks before I can go back to my old anti-depressant and two more weeks for those to start taking effect. So I am looking at either 1 or 9 weeks of depression.

I will try my best to remain strong and not do anything bad to myself and to others, like when I deleted my gallery in the past. It will not be easy. I really hope this will not be too bad.

Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me and that will again when I feel depressed in the future, you have no idea how much this means to me.

Again, thank you to everyone who are there for me, I love you all so much.


-Peace.

I know this feeling.

I know it all too well. Its depression, its back. Its back and I don't even have anyone to speak to right now. I never wanted to feel this way again, I never wanted to be depressed again, and now I am.

And I don't know why. I just started to feel bad a few hours ago and it won't go away. I fear my depression might be coming back.

I don't know why I feel so bad... nothing happened. I just feel really really crappy right now and I'm afraid it might not go away.

Not the eka thing, the polling which I deleted. It wasn't well thought out at all.

Man I feel so stupid now. I haven't felt this bad for months. Not since my depression have I felt this way.

Hi.

Is anyone else having issues with aryion.com right now? All day long the site has been slow and laggy but it became even worst about an hour ago.

It takes forever for the pages to load and most of the time it doesn't load at all. Links and buttons are unresponsive, its been a chore just trying to reply to comments X3 I'm not experiencing any of that with other sites so it can't be my internet.

I just can't even right now, this sort of thing frustrate the hell out of me, I have no patience for it X3

Shameless self-promotion go!

So I wrote a vore story, you can find it here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16923429/

If you like big, dominant preds please consider giving this a read. I kinda feel bad for plugging this in a journal but I really worked hard on it and having some feedback would really mean a lot for me. Here's a little overview of what you will find in it:

-A dominant, curvy female pred.
-An unwilling male prey.
-Soft oral vore.
-Long digestion. (Not very graphic.)
-Soul vore (Or at least soul entrapment.)
-Fatality(No reformation.)

Of course if you don't like some of that please don't feel forced to read the story!

I also made a version with post-vore scat disposal, which you can find here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16923569/



-That is all.

For the last few days I have been feeling like my mind is on fire, its kinda hard to describe as it isn't a physical feeling.

I tend to feel this way when I get really obsessed over something, it is both a blessing and a curse, as it allows me to focus really hard on something but at the same time it is tiring in the long run. For the last few days I have been obsessed with the Niziria story I am writing. I am pouring my soul into this story and it feels like its consuming me (how fitting!)

But yeah, my mind has been burning, its a weird sensation of being unable to think about something else while being in a constant state of excitement over it. But yeah, an obsession would be the best way to describe my feeling. So yeah I have been obsessed with this story and with Niziria in general, I have already commissioned several pics of her and I am already thinking of several stories I could write after this one.

It kinda feels awesome, but I worry I might get too obsessed.

Oh well, might as well ride the wave while its here! I just hope people will like my story, it is very kinky in a vorish sort of way.

-Peace!

So yesterday I had a moment when I was feeling really crappy, don't know what it was about, I just suddently felt really bad and it went on for some time.

After a little bit I did start feeling alright again, don't know what it was about, maybe I just needed to clear my head. So yeah I'm not going on a hiatus, but I will be taking things more slowly for a bit at least.

So I might be less often on skype and RPing less too. I just need to take things one at a time you know? Otherwise it just gets overwhelming. So I'll take some time to relax and only RP when I feel like it.

Urgh.

I don't know, right now I just feel stressed and not good at all. I think I'm going to take a small break from posting and replying and stuff. I just feel like all of this is kinda too much for me, too stressful.

I was supposed to go on skype today and RP with someone but I just don't feel like it, today I don't feel like doing anything.

So my mom has been staying at my place since yesterday.

I can't stand her... Its really draining not be able to take a break from her. I mean I spent the whole day with her, and she's always around so I can't do much.

Every time I have to spent extended period of time with my mother my moods really crashes, its the lack of privacy that really gets to me, I mean by now we don't have much to talk about, so its just awkward and uncomfortable X3

I hate this situation, I hate being stuck with my mother, it feels incredibly draining, I'm an introvert god dammit X3 I need time alone. When I have to stay with people for too long it really drives me nuts.

Right here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6809466/

Go and give him a hug, he needs it!

So yesterday I had a panic attack or whatever you wanna call it, anxiety attack or otherwise, about today's pathfinder game which I DMed.

I was afraid I was going to be too nervous to speak, I was afraid I wouldn't be prepared enough, I got so stressed over it I had to just lay down and I couldn't do anything, to put this into perspective the last time I felt so stressed was when I was taking my finals during my last year of high shcool.

Well, today was the day of the game, I woke up and prepared, then people started to arrive, then the game started. I was a little nervous in the beggining, but as time went on it became clear to me that I had prepared well for this, everything was falling into place exatly as it should, everything went smoothly and everyone had a great time.

I feared messing up so much, I feared to be judged and I feared I wouldn't perform well.

I did not mess anything up, I performed well and everyone had a great time.


I feel so much better now, I feel stronger. I mean I was on the verge of calling off the game at the last minute I was so stressed, but today I did good, I did very good. Its been so long since I felt I did something good, since I felt proud of myself, for so long I always felt like I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't good at anything.

I feel so much more confident now, I haven't felt like that in so long, this feels wonderful!

I'm so stressed X3 I can't believe how stressed I am right now.

Tomorrow I'm DMing a game of pathfinder, and I got performance anxiety like crazy right now. The thing is, I'm stressed about the stress I will have tomorrow, I'm acctually stressing for how much I'm gonna be stressing tomorrow.

I'm afraid I wont be able to talk, that I'll make mistakes because of how stressed I will be. Thats insane, I mean I'm so stressed I'm paralyzing, I can't do anything but think about how things will most likely go wrong. I'm so stressed right now, I don't know what to do.

God, I hate anxiety, I hate stress, this is why I can never achieve anything, I get performance anxiety and it paralyzes me, to the point where I can't do anything but stand there and think about what will go wrong.

God damn it, I hate myself so much X3 I can never do anything right and am always stressing about my performance, so much so that I just prefer avoiding anything that will test me. God damn it I hate this so much, so stressed right now. Its too late to cancel the game, which is what I would wanna do at this point.

Dammit, I get so stressed I can't fonction X3

So I haven't been very active as of late.

Come to think of it, I haven't been very active in like years X3 I'm afraid people are gonna start to forget me if I don't do stuff anymore, in fact I'm pretty sure a lot of people have just forgotten about me.

The thing is, I don't really know what to do X3 I could be making stories but I'm afraid I'll lack visibility and no one will read them.

Any sugestions/ideas?

So it is my birthday today. As of right now I am 28 years old X3 God I am so old.

So now a bit of update as to what is going on in my life right now. I have been seeing a career councelor as of late and she's been really helpful in guiding me as to what I wanna do next. As of right now the most likely options are going into cooking or woodworking. So I am really exited that my life is finally moving foward, after being unemployed for so long, and having no idea what I wanted to do for so long, its kind of refreshing to finally have some kind of aim or goal to work toward.

Also I've been wanting to do more stuff, possibly draw more or write. So if you have some idea as to what to draw or write about, please tell me. I don't know if I'll acctualy end up doing your idea or not, it mostly will depend on how motivated I am.

So yeah leave me idea of stuff to draw or write about.


Its kind of incredible, a year ago I could not stop thinking about killing myself, to think I acctualy came pretty close to doing it makes me feel weird. Even if my depression is over now, I still end up thinking about it from time to time, its weird.


I just wanted to say... I am glad to be alive today^^ It may come off weird but I just wanted to say it, I am glad to be alive!


You hear me world? I'm glad to be alive! You haven't won over me, I'm still alive and I enjoy it! Sorry for being weird, I just had a moment.


But yeah things are going better slowly but surely, I just wanted to say that^^

Stuck at my mom's place for a couple of days. Sleeping on the couch. Really uncomfortable. No privacy. Access to internet really limited.

Damn this is uncomfortable, I hate being uncomfortable.

So I wanted to explain a bit whats happening with me as of late and why I have been so inactive.

As you probably all know about a year ago I fell into a very deep state of depression, it was horrible, everyday I thought about killing myself in horrible ways, I even made plans and almost when ahead with it. I have been getting professional help with that, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for almost a year now.

Progress was slow, my psychiatrist classify my depression as resilient and it took a lot of trying out different medication to finaly find something that works for me, most anti-depressant having absolutely no effect on me. So as of right now I'm on some very expensive medication thats basicly a last resort because everything else failed.

As of right now I am no longer suicidal: I don't feel very sad aside from some occasional hiccups. There is something else however, I just haven't been feeling very motivated to do anything at all. I'm not inspired, I'm not creative, I don't have much interest in anything anymore. Nothing feels fun.

Keep in mind, I can only see my psychiatrist every couple of months or so, so progress is very slow. I might not feel like killing myself anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm free from depression. So keep in mind that how I am right now isn't the real me, its not how I used to be and maybe one day I'll feel better.

I just wanted to put that out there, so you can understand how I am currently.

The kindness of people still amazes me sometimes.

People are so amazing sometimes, I mean yesterday I was really feeling crappy, like you have no idea. But the kindness that people showed me instantly lifted my spirit and made my day better.

I just really love every single of you, I love you all.

That is all.