Haha guess what

My only other working computer
the windows 10

Just died : )
won't turn on either.

God fucking hates me.

If you excuse me I'm going to go cry in the bathroom while watching videos of a guy dressed as Michael Myers stripping until I feel better.

Fuck me up the ass with a cactus

Thought I'd post a journal on things.
Not that anyone on here really gives a shit. Pretty sure people only show up for the porn but whatever.

At the beginning of this month, I think the 3rd(?) we had a power outtage that took out power to the entire neighborhood from 6:30-7:00 PM to 1:50 AM in the morning.
Lightning struck three places in our yard, closest was 20ft away from me. Not saying I could've been electrocuted to death...but I could've been electrocuted to death probably.

So whatever.

Go to turn the PC on.
Black screen, won't display. Have to wait about five days for a new wifi modem because ours was fried. Left to be depressed and ponder if my shit is gone(again). We finally get one. Ask around and look up that its the power supply. Have to borrow money because I don't paid shit on this fucking website to have ANYTHING left over to actually replace anything when it breaks.

Fuck this website, I can't wait until I pass my GED so I can get a real job then abandon this shithole. "Freelance art is profitable" my ass. I literally haven't been paid in months pre THIS month.

Get paid $75 which entirely went to my fucking bank fining me $50 something fucking dollars because the money my friend sent me apparently didn't show up on PayPal fast enough so Ebay thought it wasn't there and fined me. Had to pay back what it took out of my negative bank(fucking shocker) and the like $30 fucking fine.

So there goes my fucking $75.
If I had money I'd refund every commission I haven't started on this site and be done with it.

The first money I think I have been paid in months and bye bye it is gone. All of it. I have $20 now I think but that's it. And it all went to this power supply.

Put the power supply in. It doesn't work. Same fucking thing as it did before hand.

Because of my lack of money and this computer being dead, I missed several limited edition Ebay items I had been waiting months for. So again, fuck this site, shit art job, and my nonexistent income. Forget having money for shit I actually want or hobbies to peruse, I can't even pay to replace my PC or fix it.
Fucking hate this site. Commissions are a waste and load of shit. I am never paid consistently enough, I alternate between working with assholes or having people threatening to PayPal charge back me constantly. This "job" is worth NOTHING, especially monetary gain. I don't get any joy out of this job, I'm pretty sure everyone knows it by now. I yearn for the day I pass my GED for the sole reason as soon as I do, get a real job, and finish my last commissions I will be abandoning this site. what a happy fucking day. I'm not a furry. I don't fucking belong here. I don't need to be told a lot by random assholes who note me out of nowhere why they want to suck horse cock. Keep your degenerate shit to yourself, unless you're paying me for art. I'm not clicking your livecam scam links. Fuck off.

So the PC is still dead.
I can't draw. I haven't drawn. I literally only have this laptop and my windows 10 which I do not want to use again because if anyone remembers, it ran like SHIT. Working off it was a FUCKING N I G H T M A R E. I can't draw on this laptop that barely runs and gives me a head ache.
Forget fucking commssions, I haven't drawn for MYSELF either. So I am not having fun. I am in a shit mood.

And to add to my issues, might wanna look away lads if you're bothered by this...
I've been PMSing OUT THE ASS. I hate being a woman sometimes fuck this shit. I'm normally not bothered by it but this month chose to give me nearly crippling cramps, vomiting and constant emotional swings.
I'm talking "what 1800s men think women were like" emotional swings. Thank god I am single for I would feel shit for whatever man has to deal with me violently sobbing while watching Spongebob and eating everything in sight.
I am literally crying more than two times daily every day at this point. Between PMSing and my current situation I am not having a good time of it.

Back to the PC. I have NO ONE to fix it. Why? The only person I trust with my computer who recovered my last art files issues had/ or still has covid. He will not wear a mask. he coughs constantly. I am not getting near him. He won't do curb stop. I have crippling Asthma and am constantly getting sick.
Assuming I wanted a certain death wish and wanted to take it to him I couldn't anyways.

Why? Well, he's hired N E W T E C H S. New Techs, you say? W hat is so bad about that, you say?
The girl tech fully admitted "I am still learning." Yeaaaaaaaaa. No, motherfucker. I am not having my PC be gang raped in oblivion because some teenagers need experience. I fully support teenagers and giving them on-job experience, after all you have to start somewhere, but my 350-400$ PC I spent MONTHS, a shit load of art, and borrowed money to buy and set up is not going to be your patient 0.

I asked PC man if he'd work on it specifically for me. He alternated between saying he would and then dodging the question and his techs seemed eager for my PC. Tech said he'd give it to PC man specifically, then let slip "I'll have it taken care of myself". Yea fuck off. He'd given it to the tech. All the bad reviews on his google reviews is LITERALLY about how EVERY TECH he hires breaks the Pc. If you don't work directly with him you might as well fuck off.
And even for some reason I was suicidal and wanted to risk certain death and throw my PC under every bus in the entire fucking planet with some damn T E E NS they're so busy they can't answer phone calls, and are working to midnight almost every night when they close at 6:00.
The tech says he'd "put it in a box with a note" a.k.a. my Pc would never be seen again and I assume sold into some sex trafficking PC ring for parts.

So I cant take it to literally THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET I TRUST WITH THE PC.
So now what? now what the utter fuck do I do? I can't repair it myself. I tried and nothing happened. Now what? The tech fucking claims he needs to "reset the motherboard" because it "controls Java scripts"??? what the fuck does that mean? Is that true?

Does ANYONE on this fucking side know how to reset the motherboard on a HP Workstation z230?

i don't know what to do anymore. I have to find some complete stranger to take it to. And even then, I don't have money for the fucking REPAIRS. I don't have money for the fuckIng PARTS. I don't have money for a potential entire fucking COMPUTER replacement. Don't even get me started on my emotional and mental issues I am already dealing with.

Further shit happening to me? I somehow have some kind of fucking rope burn across my ass. I have no fucking clue where the literal goddamn hell I would've got some kind of rope burn across my ass, specifically the tailbone. I can barely sit I am in such excruciating pain. Just woke up the other day and O H WHA T IS THIS?
MY
ASS
IS
ON
FIRE.

Fuck. My ass. It hurts.

So yea TL;dr fuck my life I wish the lightning would've killed me. Feel free to suggest anything I'm open.

My new computer is dead. We had a power outage and now it won't turn on. I don't nknow whats wrong with it and I don't have money to get it fixed :/.

Feel free to buy anything to help but lmao welcome to this site where I don't get paid shit to even have the PC fixed.

So commissions are on hold until I get a computer again. If we don't get it fixed by next month i'll have to go back to the 10.

Sorry for the lack of updates and or commission posts. I realized the last journal I posted was a fricking month ago. So here's another 'update' journal or rambles or whatever.

I'm still working on commissions, obviously. I spend most my time doing that. Have three almost complete linearts, two or three with almost complete coloring and started sketching a few original commissions and a edit/upgrade of a chibi I owed someone.
I'm sorry I am terrible slow. I don't know why I am terribly slow but I'm like this when attempting to draw for myself, so you aren't getting less time than my own art. In fact I think commissions are getting more time.

I feel like the months have gone by fast but at the same time it feels like time is going nowhere. I don't like either feeling.
My last post was about how I don't enjoy drawing anymore and my issues with a tablet.

I don't really think either have been fixed. I don't enjoy drawing, but I haven't since the beginning of this year. When I posted that journal I had been drawing Okami. I stopped drawing Okami for a while and moved on to Lion King. I worked on a comic I had been wanting to work on it but between mental illness and medical issues and a few mental breakdowns I quit working on that again right now. Not really doing anything at the moment art wise. Doodling random shit.

I wish I could say I am mentally better, or something has improved, but it hasn't. Everything is still the same and not any better. Not any worse but not any better. Still mentally 'unwell' and not really enjoying anything in life.
I have lost contact with a majority of my friends, all but two to my knowledge. Including one here on FA, but she's busy and won't reply and I don't want to bother her or anyone else. I don't really speak to anyone but my one friend and my dad.

I'm bored, lonely and depressed and dealing with the emotional baggage and self confidence issues brought on by a life time of emotional abuse from my mother. Which I assume will never go away. But whatever.
If I had to try and list every single thing that is bothering me right now I assume it would go on for hours and no one would understand because these issues are uniquely my own. Other people go through them as well but I go through them differently and holey my own as everyone else does.
I have nothing but time on my hands to be mentally ill and not do anything.

I miss my friends I have lost contact with. I often wonder if they still like me when they tell me they do. Who knows.
Discovered someone I hate is on a art website I joined recently. Not that she is bothering me or plans too, just stumbling across her art upset me. Don't like seeing her shit.

I'm happy to have my one friend who is probably one of the few reasons I haven't taken my mental issues down darker areas.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I am still working on commissions.

Journal will be unrelated to commissions and what not, just want to post a sort-of-vent journal because dunno how else to get my thoughts out, I guess.

For a while now drawing hasn't been fun for various reasons. Depression, lack of confidence I guess. Lack of motivation. I spend most my time trying hard to "make it feel like it used too" with no luck or no success. Nothing I do or try works and it never feels like it does. You always hear and I'm always told 'things will get better, you will succeed eventually"

But I haven't. I haven't succeeding. People telling me I will has no effect on me anymore, because I HAVEN'T succeed with ANYTHING yet. I feel like I'm trying and trying and nothing is working.
Last month, once again, it was depression. I didn't feel motivated enough to draw. So I didn't for a few days. But I HAD been drawing and I had been sort of enjoying it. More so than after then. I drew and picture, and it came out great
but it wasn't fun. Drawing isn't fun anymore for me. I've been having lack of motivation since early last year even before my PC died and I lost several pets, and recently my grandad and being emotionally abused by my mother. But lately it's just been worse to the point I don't even want to draw anymore. I don't really feel ANYTHING anymore on any level. I WANT to draw. The IDEA of drawing is fun to me, but actually doing it makes me feel nothing but either stress or depression.

And lately, as of a while now it's definitely at an all time low. I'm tired and frustrated and I'm not winning with anything. I feel like I am stuck in a hole and there's no way out. And it's over extremely stupid thing which is making it worse.
What is it?

I moved my tablet. My wacom tablet. I moved it. I bumped it with my elbow when trying to move something and entirely moved from whatever position it was on my fucking desk.
Why is this an issue? Well if you're an artist with a tablet you'll understand, but if you're not I have a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY particular spot the fucking tablet goes. "Won't be able to fucking draw" very particular kind of spot.
This shit has happened in the past and has caused me so much issues I took a pair of scissors to my desk back in 2015 or 16 and cut a square into the wood so I would always know where the tablet went.

But that square hasn't fucking done ANYTHING. I haven't gotten the god damn tablet back where it is supposed to go.
That was a fucking month ago at this point I'm almost sure of.
I can't find where it went.
I have never had this much of an issue with it and it feels unfixable. I cannot remember where it went. Last time this happened it took three days and I figured out where it went by fiddling with it.

Well I did that. And I did that and I did that and I did that.
Every day and every night for a entire fucking month now and I have not found where that fucking tablet is supposed to go and I cannot remember and I'm about ready to quit fucking art permanently outside of commissions I have to finish because those are muscle memory and my comfort doesn't count on those. Every day and every night for a entire fucking month for HOURS at a time I do this. I try to draw, and I spent 90% of the time trying to figure out where the tablet is supposed to go.
But I don't know anymore and nothing is working.
I don't know why I can't figure out where the tablet goes. I can't fucking draw. I CAN draw but imagine trying to draw a image with your non-dominant hand upside down. it feels like that. Nothing I try works and I don't know what to do anymore.

What's the fucking options? there isn't. This is something small and something no one would really give a shit about but it really affects my drawing because drawing isn't fun anymore. I've went nights where I didn't fuck with the tablet but as I said, drawing isn't fun or comfortable because of i. Every day I wake up and I don't know why I bother to think "what will I draw tonight?" because I know I can't draw because I know what I'm gonna be doing when I GO to draw. Every second of attempting to draw is going to be me feeling how shit the tablet feels and how I haven't gotten it where it goes.
I don't know what I'm doing fucking wrong. I literally have had it all over the desk and its like it never existed here to begin with. I had gave myself wrist pain trying to find it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I'm tired of trying. I have literally tried everything and I'm all out of options. What the fuck is the point to draw if drawing feels like someone ran my wrist through a blender? there is none. There is no point drawing if it doesn't feel fun anymore.
There is no fucking point to any of it. Everyone I have discussed this with tells me it will get better
but it HASN'T gotten better. When WILL it get better? why HAVEN'T I found it yet? it makes no fucking sense if I covered every fucking square inch it could possibly go for it not to feel comfortable anymore.

This is a stupid thing and I'm left with frustration and anger at myself because 1: I'm letting this bother me and hindering my drawing a 2: depression and anger because I haven't fucking fixed it yet.
I miss drawing. I miss feeling like I have full control over my artwork and my tablet.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm trying to draw with my left hand instead of my right.

Nothing I have tried works and I'm tired of trying. I'm a failure on everything least not this currently.
This stops me from drawing and this effects my already nonexistant mental health. But what am I supposed to do? what is ANYONE supposed to fucking do? I can't find a genie and magic wish the fucking thing back into place. Part of me thinks its me mentally thinking there is something wrong with it but I don't there isn't. Drawing didn't feel shitty like this.

I'm tired and there is never any break from my issues on anything. There's never a fix for me and my stupid ass issues.
Talking about it does nothing. There are no options.
Time to quit drawing and become a lazy asshole again.
fuck life I'm tired of living.

Hello, just wanted to inform everyone we are once again having storms with power outages, hence no commission uploads. I don't wish to risk my PC so it has been left off during the storm(as of currently and the last few days) so if you don't see any uploads that is why.

Sorry for two days of no uploads. We've had a two day storm so I didn't really want to risk my computer during a storm. But the storm seems to be clearing up! If you see no posts again tonight assume it came back. It's sunny right now but it is also thundering
quite a lot and I can see storm clouds in the distance again...

Anyways wanted to also give a update on commissions! Sort of, I have... One that just needs a background and shading, three that need completed colors(i.e. The markings and details) and the multi slot I did of the male dogs, I have them all complete do non just needing shading.

They aren't open anymore, I just haven't edited the title. I've been thinking of stopping trying to work on multiple commissions a night. While I am happy I have almost four fully detailed commissions nearly complete this isn't really efficient I guess. I think I should just pick one to spend the rest of the night on and go from there instead of attempting to split my work hours between coloring on, then shading one, then working on the background on another. I've been trying to find a faster method for years now and haven't really found one. I can spend my full time in one but that results in taking longer on the others... I think making when I complete the line art on a group I should just pick one to complete. I guess.

Anyways blah blah the usual. I got shit open. Nothing's selling. I go months without pay. Nothing new.
Can't wait until I get a real source of income to quit this site. I hate it.
Depression. yada yada

Thanks for everyone's patience. If you haven't been added to the que it doesn't mean you're forgotten I literally just have that que because People wouldn't stop asking for me to have one I don't actually check it I check notes or images in my gallery to see who is done or not. I hate lists so that thing is only there for the commissioners benefit.

***edit lmao I think someone DIDN'T steal my email I think I made this acc back in like 2015 wtf

I know this is random and I don't post this kinda shit here but I just HAVE to share this I fucking cannot right now

Someone STOLE MY FUCKING EMAIL and signed me up for a Japanese art website

I went to sign up for this Japanese art website named Pixiv and its all "email already registered" and I have never been to pixiv so I'm like yea like fuck it is what does this mean
I do forgot password, lol in

Some motherfucker stole and registered my god damn email and has a active account apparently.

Well I don't know who the fuck Saeha is but I got some bad news for her
my account now bitch

Oh my god my brain hurts I literally cannot believe someone stole my email and registered me on a Japanese website what the ever loving fuck right now

Anyone here work for gamestop or Best Buy? Been asking around and can't figure anything out

If so do you know if either of your stores still get in new shipments of Nintendo switches? If so are they still $300 or are they higher?
I seriously can't figure out where to get any. Assholes, at least out here in Texas nowhere, are buying them from the stores at like $300 and price gouging them up to $450-700+ depending on the sites(walmarts even is!) because its quarantine and everyone wants one.:/ I don't have that kind of money and I really don't want to drop that much on this console, I think that's a outrageous price gouge. Not giving my money to those kinda people.

Even auctions on eBay still end up over $400. Used ones as well, before anyone asks, but I don't trust the used ones, they all are either fucked up or apparently been jail broke. No thanks.

I'm not interested in the lite one before anyone says anything.

So I didn't want to post this until I was for sure on it but....

I got a new computer! One that ACTUALLY works!!
after months and several failed computer attempts, about three failed attempts at finding the cables for it and finally fixing the disk drawer I have a working computer! It runs amazingly, there is no lag, it runs my old version of Photoshop perfectly. It can have Firefox open while running PS, Sai and even my out dated version of Manga studio!
I was amazed how god damn fast it was; it didn't even load this massive 3000x 7000 PS file it just opened!

Couldn't believe it :D!!!
This is going to make commissions so much easier lol.

I'd like to thank the people who purchased my YCHS and commissions, because you paid for this computer lol
and a thank you to  orionthecougar who has offered help multiple times to me all the way back from when my computer first died and he offered to data mine it for me :) I appreciate the offer man, thank you
and thank you to my DA friend for lending me money and buying me so many cables, and helping with the computer<3 couldn't have done it without her.

If I finish enough commissions I wanna hold a free raffle sometime to celebrate 1000 watchers!

Stay tuned

Not really sure why I'm typing this, mostly just wanting to replace the last journal I made without deleting it... might do that later.
So random untitled 'update' journal. I guess.

I don't have too much to say, or anything new to say. Usually my update journals have something to, well, update. Nothing new has happened either good nor bad. I feel stagnant, in both art and life. Nothing feels like anything is happening or ever will happen. Coronavirus keeps me in the house.

I really don't draw for myself anymore. I still have mental health issues that feel neither worse nor better. My insomnia and constant nightmares have not improved since I last posted a journal. They never went away and I still have them. There is not a time when I sleep where I do not have nightmares. I've tried all the methods like falling asleep listening to specific things, some suggestions from friends and what-not. Short of taking sleeping pills, which I do not trust myself with. I've been basically watching nothing but slasher movies, which I'd like to mention I somehow have not had a single nightmare from. It seems my brain deems my real life much more miserable than a slasher.

I guess I feel less like killing myself lately. But then again I don't really feel anything anymore in either direction. I feel completely apathetic.

I feel like my art situation will never improve. I have yet to get a working computer to run the art programs I want to run. I am working towards it but I feel I have no distractions in the mean time. I feel like my entire life revolves around waiting for a computer so I can "finally draw". Which I assume is a lie my brain tells me which is why I haven't been drawing, I don't count commissions I speak of art I want to create. I feel as if things hold me back, namely my shitty computer. And while my computer is actually a issue I feel like my mental health stops me from drawing as well. I feel like it tells me I can't draw so I believe it.

I feel most people would have compromised or moved on or something by now. I have never been good at making small things not feel big to me. Anyways I run a MLP group on DeviantART with nearly 10,000 members. I'm pretty happy about that and honored to have been given it.:)
One of my favorite YouTuber's roasted me live on his stream when I requested it lol, that was lit.
I've been watching a show called Boardwalk Empire, since I have run out of historical-based shows. I watched AMC's the Terror season 1 and 2 as well as Chernobyl. I quite liked them, Adam Nagaitis is great in everything. He's in another historical drama I want to check out. I hope they'll make a season 3 of the Terror.
I have, in my spare time, been doodling furries. Not really for any reason just boredom. I want to proper finish them but I will wait until I get a proper computer, I think. My current one runs like shit.

I've been having "movie night" with myself every so often, which is something I usually never do. I actually never really watch movies outside of theaters. I have the attention span of a fly, afterall... I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I really liked them. TCM2 is def one of my favorite movies now. I love all the Big Red Soda that was in it, it was actually filmed really close where I live. As a Texan I really enjoyed seeing Texas in a movie. The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre definitely is scarier than any horror show I seen. Most horror movies feel like action movies now a days, this one felt different.

"Look what your brother did to the door!"

"If I have any more fun I don't think I'll be able to take it!"

"Nam flashback, nam flashback!!"

I watched the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, Jackie Earl Haley was the best part of that movie.<3
I feel perhaps I need more hobbies.:/ I want to do a free art raffle some time, but I need to finish more commissions. I wanted to do a free raffle to celebrate 1000 watchers but I am busy at the moment, I will have to hold a late one when I get more time. I did a free raffle one time for a YCH slot, I enjoyed doing free art for once. It was different and nice compared to occasionally price gouging with certain people... eh better times and better circumstances will come in the future, I can hope.

well I thought I would share the things I have been up to, or haven't. Thanks for everyone's commission patience, I hope you are all well in quarantine and with the virus out there :( stay safe friends, I hope wellness will find us soon.

*********Edit as of now, I have internet on the PC again, managed to get it to shit itself through downloading Opera.
Still, buy my shit so I can get a actual working computer.

Guess what? Commissions on hold again. My computer is basically fucking dead. I now officially have no computer to work off of. Why? Well can't open internet. any internet browser fucking crashes the computer. This means I cannot get onto furaffinity or any internet on the computer meaning I can't complete your commissions. Why is this a issue? Well my laptop fucking died two days ago. The laptop, previous me getting internet on this computer I would plug Usb into to transfer files to the Internet.

What computer do I have left? A Windows vista. With no internet. No internet on anything now.
So officially cannot work.

You know how I been saying I need fucking money but I barely get paid on this shitting site? If anyone wants to help out this would be a great fuckin time. I have $120 of $300. Got shit open if anyone wants to help me. I'm not taking donations because I'm not a Esbeggar, buy my. Art.

Just posting this here for I don't know what reason. Maybe people with similar issues will have advice or something.

I am doing unwell, very unwell mentally. My mental health has gone into effecting my physical health that's how bad it is. I had a fight with my mother a few days ago which greatly furthered my mental issues along with the fact I haven't been drawing and have no other outlets for my depression but drawing. And then my dog I had since I was 9 died two days ago.

I don't feel anything anymore besides constant depression and sadness. Or nothing at all. I'm tried of having constant nightmares whenever I go to sleep, I have severe crippling insomnia and haven't been getting any sleep. My nightmares are either me getting killed by my family, me killing myself, or me killing them. The last two always make me feel glee in the dreams but not when I wake up. I'm not a violent person so this isn't what I'm worried about, I hate having these dreams and they make me feel gross. I fall asleep with anxiety and wake up with anxiety.

I don't feel good. Nothing feels good. I'm so upset and sad and angry and I feel like there is no one to talk to despite there being people to talk too. I feel like nothing matters anymore and I can barely motivate to get out of bed. I don't enjoy anything anymore. Nothing makes me feel anything anymore.

I think if I was more motivated I'd have killed myself by now. Nothing feels like it will get better anymore. I feel alone.

If anyone reads my journals or descriptions or wherever I've been putting it(I've got like three hours of sleep today and am baked because of it and been crying all day lmao I can't remember shit right now soeones seen it I guess) I have shit open in my gallery and need somewhere between 150-300$ for a new PC because mine is shit, old and isn't working with photoshop. Yaddda yadda I'm not changing photoshops so don't tell me again, I can still draw but its lags and is annoying as fuk so new PC it is.

So I got YCHS and stuff open ranging in prices that are actually useuful to me at the moment unlike $10 or something. I need a lot of money.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35131121/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35131137/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35140026/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35140044/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35140058/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35140086/

thanks if anyone is interested or whatever

I'm not personally invested in it but it's making hard to work on stuff I owe people because I can't get to notes for references why the hell is Furaffinity down so much???

Decided to post a random 'update' journal on things... I guess. Not sure if this even counts as a update more of a 'here's things happening right now' statement. Whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Anyways having PC troubles. Again. No surprises there. My PC that I am currently using cannot run the version of photoshop I've been using since I was 10. Photoshop Elements 8.0. After trying literally EVERY option known to man kind and further proving it by testing it on a older PC I have come to the knowledge that my PC cannot run this old version of Photoshop due to having Windows 10 on it.

So time to buy a new computer. Well a new old computer, specifically I am saving for one with Windows 7 on it. Current test PC off Ebay is $150 all together, counting shipping.
So if anyone wants to chip in to helping with the PC I got shit open in my gallery. No this doesn't mean commissions will stop, it only means they're going to take longer because I do not currently have a PC that can run my version of Photoshop without shitting itself. Something that might take 30 minutes will take me near an hour because of lag. There is no way to fix the lag. This is also partially why commissions are taking even longer because I have to fight the program.

Per usual if anyone gives a shit, and based off certain notes a few people don't, I am barely drawing for myself anymore. If at all. So all my time I spend "jacking off doing nothing and not working on commissions like your lazy ass should" are now non-existent as well because any drawing I am doing is almost exclusively commissions. Not that anybody on this website really gives a shit about me or my mental well being but why should they. And certain people wonder why this is just a job to me... eh

Anyways Tl;dr computer is shit and I need a new one, buy my shit in my gallery and it'll help me. If you haven't received a response to your note or comment I currently have 10 unread notes and I am still trying to organize and find lost PS files of commissions. If you asked or haven't been added to the que yet you're not forgotten.
I have at least 10 things completely linearted and haven't figured out which to work on first. I'm thinking chibis and non-BGS so I don't have to deal with them anymore.

Thanks for everyone's patience.

Hello, just wanted to give a update on the commissions and whatever. While I do not have the extra files I need from the PC repair man yet(photoshop brushes, fonts and several photoshop files) because he's been horribly busy. "Can't pick up the phone has phone calls all day" kinda busy(poor man he sounded baked out of his mind with fatigue) I have been linearting the commissions that need linearting so they can be completed when I get the brushes and such back(hopefully this month sometime lmao). I personally think the new lineart looks like shit on the new PC with the new resolution and whatever and would really like to wait tell I get the other PC set up to draw comfortably, but my personal opinion of the quality of my work has never really interested anyone and no one has ever cared or for that matter seemed to notice any quality dips so I'm content to just finish them as fast as I can:/

When did personal interest go into my commissions anyways... Years ago I think. Rip.

Also massive thanks to the very lovely  Gwolo for helping me attempt to get internet on the PC. The USB didn't work so I'll purchase a new used one when I have cash. Currently have $0 in the bank so not going anywhere with that.
Have YCHS open in my gallery if anyone is interested, I have gotten all the ych photoshop files back so they're able to be sold. Any money helps, just note the wait might be a bit.
I might complete ychs that don't require my grass brushes.

I don't know.

On that note if anyone is up for helping me "acquire" a old program I am no longer able to find feel free to note me so I can email you about it. Can't find it anywhere and want to know if anyone has it or can help me have it again)) I need it for drawing and can't find it anywhere to buy :/ only one I could find was near $300 on Amazon.

Had my new PC as of the day before New Years. Still haven't been able to figure out how to get internet on it even with extensive googling. I don't know how to use Windows 10. I can't work on commissions without internet because I can't get references or upload them. Computer repair man has been busy all week.

Be a grew help if anyone is able to help me, I'd be able to finish non-background commissions like chibis that don't require the brushes I am currently waiting to be sent.

Hello everyone, I thought I'd do a proper update as to the good news regarding my computer.
I got all my files back! Including commissions, couldn't be happier.

I've been reinstalling all my art programs and such on my PC and trying to get everything semi-organized back to the way it was. Work still not done yet as I'm waiting for my fonts, some more photo shop files and Photoshop brushes to be emailed to me(they had to be sent separately).

A bit on the fence right now if I am going to be using my Windows 10 pc or just drop everything back onto my Windows Vista SP2 8( I don't like Windows 10. I wish I had a Vista SP1 but I don't see that happening right now... regardless of my personal vices and wants towards a certain PC I will be starting commissions again as soon as I get my fonts, brushes and the extra files.

Thanks for everyone's patience, I hope this year will be better 8( Apologies on the wait...

Also regarding my offer of chibis/headshots in the last journal, those are no longer open because I already paid for the PC so don't need to pay for anything atm.

Hello I thought I'd give a update on the computer situation for those who care/wish to know(for some reason nobody actually reads my journals, as evidence by 5+ people asking about their commissions with my last update journal on my page LOL. I mean I don't read stuff but have to go to my front page to note me, how do you NOT see the very obvious click-bait title journal? eh I digress)

Computer is still dead and at the repair guys place.
I thought I'd have it back by now but I'm told repair for this kind of thing generally takes a month(friend with exact same issue took this long as well). He says it looks hopeful but I won't hold my breathe until I can confirm I have my files back.

Speaking of which: I cannot work on previous bought commissions, otherwise I'd have started again. I do not have a computer that can draw properly. I have a laptop, the one I am currently typing this one, but it absolute shit and it can barely muster chibis let alone a huge, proper completed image. I COULD, and I say COULD, work on the commissions already bought but that would be a serious disservice and borderline rip off because of the quality drop. You would not be getting my usual quality of work, and that's what you paid for. You did not pay for a compressed chibi drawn on a laptop from the year 2000.

But on this note I am still in need of funds :/ and my only way to get funds is through art. I am unemployed and don't have a real job, and lets be honest between mental break downs and other issues I have not gotten my GED yet and I somehow doubt between mental break downs and decline of my mental and physical health I am going to get both my GED and a actual job within the next month. I had $1275 in my bank I wasn't supposed to touch but bills came up.
I am down to 300-500 atm which is just barely enough to cover the computer charges at the moment. But assuming something else does not come up I still need more funds.

I have this posted-http://www.furaffinity.net/view/34290693/ which will be completed on my Laptop however there have been no buyers :/ I am surely not going to ask for donations, I am not a E-beggar.
I also am offering bust/headshots starting at $20 each if anyone wants to help me out. I literally have no source of income ._ .

On That note assuming I get my computer back regardless if the files are retrieved, I may quit commissions after I complete all the ones I owe people. I admit I really don't like doing this 'job'. It's stressful, my income is absolute shit, I barely get paid anything its not really even worth my time. Even before the computer died my income was not good. My income on this website has never really been good, its not enough to support myself, fuck it doesn't even cover bills often. My income on this website has been slowing down for a while, it's really just honestly not worth bothering anymore. My income was barely anything to begin with but all this year its been dwindling, I went almost four months without pay. Not worth my time at all honestly. Restaurants don't stay open if there is no interest and neither should I.

Another issue with my commissions is I do not complete them in a timely manner. I have years old commissions at this point. And while I absolutely hate using this as a excuse I am being honest when I say this is the one thing holding me down and slowing me down; my mental health. It's shit. Really really shit. This year has been one of the worst years of my life next to the year when I was 9 and my cat got run over and it fucked me up for years after.

My mental health has been going down the shitter this year and its worse than its ever been and not getting better, infect worse! I am starting to have delusions which I assume is some early sign of schizophrenia.

I don't usually talk about it on here because this is my job, I don't know many people here, certainly not here enough to feel comfortable talking about it, but my mental health is complete garbage lately. "I should be on meds legit don't care if I'm dead" levels. If any of you watch my DeviantART you can see the now in thousands of posts I've made about my declining health to get the gist. My anxiety and depression controls me; I barely get out of bed lately. I am not well.

But yea between mental health and getting paid less than a mcdonalds worker I will probably quit commissions when I get my computer back and can finish the existing ones. Not worth my time honestly. I can't deliver art in a timely manner and the interest in my art has died almost completely. I guess it has to do with me not drawing hard core porn but guess what? I don't get paid enough for hardcore porn. Hence why you don't see any. If I got paid for it it be worth my time but I don't. I'm not gonna excerpt what is gonna take me more than a weeks of constant drawing for what amounts to less than I could get paid flipping fucking burgers. I'm not here for fun, I'm not here because I enjoy working here. I am here because I enjoy getting paid and having financial comfort. I don't have that so that leaves me with 0 reason to continue.

But yea tldr computer is still dead and I still need money. I got headshot/busts open. Comment if interested thx

My computer is dead. The hard drive is dead. Everything is gone. Nothing was saved. My art is all gone. Everything.

This includes commissions.
None of the commissions were saved. I have to start from scratch. If you've received wips from me and still have them I'd appreciate having them so I can finish the commissions.

If I didn't have commissions. I'd quit art. I don't want to draw again. I don't want to draw anymore but I unfortunately have to finish commissions. I wish I had money I would just refund all you.

Just updating anyone if they care
...unsure if my journals actually get read to be honest lmao

But computer is still dead and no drawing of any kind is being done :/ will update when it's fixed.
Thanks for everyone's patience.

Gotta hold the commissions. Again
Computer actually fuckn died tonight and it's not turning on. And it looks like it won't be and there's no one in my house with money or intelligence to put a new power supply in it and I can't switch to another one because I haven't backed up anything new on the PC including commissions because I don't have enough fucking money for a USB drive.

And I don't have any other working computers with no crippling issues(I have one that works but the screen resolution makes it impossible to draw and there's no fix currently for it and the one my sister gave me doesn't boot up properly so it's basically crippled) and I don't get paid enough on this fucking website to buy a new computer so I don't know what the fuck to do.

I fucking hate everything. Fuck everything

Sorry for the sudden lack of commissions. I was doing good, I linearted about seven things, I have multiple things to color and complete. I have that group YCH just needing shading, another just needing a background

Our cat of 12 years died the other day and I really haven't been doing anything but laying around crying all week multiple times a day
I've not even drawn for myself.

A few days before my birthday too.

I am particularly sorry to  Repi I don't think I will be finishing your YCH this month like I said I would. I have it almost done but I can barely motivate to get out of bed right now so I don't think I will finish it swiftly.
I'm trying to get back into the commissions.

I'm sorry.

Got a bunch of YCHS open, ranging in prices from cheap to less-cheap! Some been here a very long time and will probably be deleted soon if they don't sell and put into 'retirement'

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33850823/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33876784/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33876922/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33877621/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33879330/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33850857/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33850882/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33863891/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33879298/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33879317/