Hey, posting this update so people can know. We were having a large dead tree removed and part of it dug into our ground and tore our internet cable in half. We don't have any internet and won't for the next 4-5 days.

So if there's a delay in commissions that's why 😢

Hello! Upon advice from commenters I have made a Blusky
https://bsky.app/profile/ghostiebash8.bsky.social

There's nothing exclusive going to be posted over there(and I'm just reposting finished art for now) so you if you follow me just here you won't be missing out on anything.

Open YCHS will be cross-posted there.
(for future references/auctions: if a Blusky commenter comments to buy something first that you commented on later here on FA, you will be notified)

Advice from people who use these things is welcome, as I don't use them!

Does anyone know if Furry art sales on Blusky are more consistent that Furaffinity? Sales have entirely dried up here. I've basically been selling nothing the later half of 2024, and this year already. I've only sold to one person this year, and while selling to one person is better than none and I am grateful I'm used to selling to between 2-5 ppl, and sometimes a new person will show up.

I used to sell fairly consistently, the NSFW OC ychs(the ones without backgrounds) from between 65-120$ sometimes, but that started declining in 2024. Some of them would remain open for months. I was selling both the sketchy lineart and the clean lineart versions, but then I only started selling the sketchy lineart versions and now they don't sell at all. I've tried pinups, and even when trying them for 65$(which some are still open in my gallery) they haven't sold.

There could be a variety of reasons, I'm not sure. I've never had success on any art website I've every use so maybe I'm cursed or maybe some other ppl just get popular and not me.

Some ppl have suggested a patreon but I am entirely doubtful I will have any success there even worth its time, given my sales here. That and a big draw of Patreon is making a monthly image or rewards for patreons but I'm pretty comfortable taking commissions how I do. I'm bad at managing things like a patreon.

I've tried things like cheaper shading and line options. I've had several people tell me they don't see a difference in sketchy + clean, so I've been putting everything for sketchy as they have a higher chance of selling. I've had images of chibis as cheap as 20$ and they didn't sell at all on Christmas last year. I used to sell fat/chubby YCHS and for some reason I haven't sold one in YEARS. I've tried a bunch of different pricing options to bring in new customers with no luck at all.

(PS: if you're one of those "this image is 20$ and I'm going to tell you it's "not worth the price, sell it to me for 5$!" please go away. I am fully open to price critiques to help me find a proper balance for selling artwork to consumers as I have issues figuring out pricing but this is not helpful to me and it's disrespectful. I can't afford a PS5 but I'm not going to go complain to the seller. I find these types of people for some reason have nothing to say about other artists, selling at same prices as me. They only have issue with me).

I've noticed I have higher chances of selling when there isn't a complexity surcharge, but the surcharge is there for a reason and I've even set my prices at similar prices I've seen consistently from OTHER artists(5-15$ they sometimes cost more). I've tried finding a pricing balance that won't be monetarily a waste of my time, but also a better pricing for a consumer to interest them but even when I've dropped couple ychs to 50 on a sale a few times, they don't sale.

I want a pricing range that benefits me so I actually GET paid worth my time but enough to interest a buyer :/ if I got paid consistently every time I posted, prices would drop but the issue is I'm not even selling small items consistently so I price some things higher because I know I'm not going to be paid for a long while(sometimes months...) so the higher profit is needed.

I've seen some other smaller artists on FA struggling to sell consistently too, which makes me wonder if FA is only for big artists as a lot of artists I see selling have a following from other websites.

I don't sell on Facebook anymore, sales completely dried up for anything over 15$ there years ago even with posting in multiple groups.

What is telegram? people tell me I should use it because furries do and someone said they sell art there. I looked it up and it's a messenger like skype? How do I sell art on that? I think there's plenty of furries on Blusky. Is Blusky easier to sell on? I don't use it.

Thanks for advice

sorry to post another one of these, again, but I feel its better than saying nothing
Sorry for the delay on commissions, for like a week now I've been having weird random sickness, namely stomach problems and insomnia. not like the insomnia really ever goes away but today was just pretty freaking bad and I could barely get out of bed. This is with even trying to go to bed an hour or so earlier
So I dunno what's up

My commission sales have also basically entirely dried up suddenly, which sucks and is pretty demotivating. I guess its better my list is short but early June and before I was selling art pretty consistently and then suddenly I didn't sell anything for two months, all of July and August if I'm sure, until a week ago.
I don't think my sales have been this nonexistent since 2019 when I went 8 months without pay.

It just sort of reaffirms to me art isn't a job and I'm going to need to find a real one, at some point if I'm able .- .

at least my commissions are almost done though. I'll have more time to focus on my art and things I actually wanna draw, I guess.

my commissions list is pretty short as most of them are partially lined already, or already have completed coloring

Just saying if something is slow that's why : / very sorry

Posting this just in case, if commissions seem to have slowed down, it's namely because I have the current I think four YCHS that were bought recently partially lined almost complete, and one that just needs coloring and shading.
I switch off lining each of them every night, but given one of them just needs shading and coloring to be complete it will be posted next.

As for posting slower, as of two days now I've had a weird inexplainable migraine and my right eyes is swollen. Not sure why, I haven't hit it or rubbed it or anything. It just started hurting yesterday and the pain of it has caused me a migraine, which I still have exclusively on the right side of my head. I assume in conjunction with the eye being swollen.

Who knows more random mystery crap I can't be bothered to go a doctor for only for them to just go "lmao I dunno". At this rate I just assume I'm cursed to constantly these random illness crap with no explanation, and none of them being tough enough to gift me the sweet relief of death >: ( fuuuu

I assume it's from lack of sleep, and eye strain from playing video games in the dark all night. It started hurting yesterday when I was doing that :/ so I will just try to sleep more, I guess.

I haven't forgotten to send line art wips if you're a buyer and wondering; I'm not going to send you partially completed lines(even if it's something as small as the whiskers not being added yet) because I only send completed wips.

Thanks for the patience, I am sorry to be slow.

Tired of looking at the -last- journal I post here (it also takes up half my front page when scrolling, so) thought I'd post another short journal.

If commissions are slower(...er ) than usual I'm recovering from some kind of heat stroke or some crap. I'm not sure what it is, it was like 100something in Texas where I am and I made the mistake of sitting outside and now I've got all these weird ass symptoms I can only put down to heat-stroke, or dying, or one of the two. I'm like burning up but shivering and been throwing up and I'm constantly tired/and or migraine but I also feel like I'm tripping balls. It's been like this for more than a week now, which was when it first started but it seems to have gotten worse today.

To add to that my brain or whoever decided it was gonna have another mental crisis for like the third time this month, I think that makes two in a week. Shit lasted two days going on three(fuckin today)
I've got one larger commission that needs the bg/shading completing, but most everything else is lines or partial lineart right now.

Ain't got anything new or good to say.

Felt like posting this, but it will be shorter I think, I don't have much to say, I don't have much to say at all lately.:/ I've been thinking about things and I guess life in general, and my general utter lack of ideas on what to do. I mean that's the least of my issues on life, but doesn't everyone have issues :/

People say a job is anything you earn income with regardless of what it is. Being paid for art is no less a "job" than stocking shelves at walmarts.
Meanwhile other people, usually boomers, say I need to punch a 9-5 at a walmarts/stocking shelves to have "a real job".
Everyone has different opinions on what counts as a job. I do live in bumfuck Texas nowhere with mostly old people around me so everyone generally has very old fashioned ideas about work. Generally if you aren't punching a 9-5 then you're considered lazy.

Call me a crippling depressed lazy bastard, I still don't have a job yet. I don't know what I want to do for a job. Or more what works with me. My only ideas have been stocking shelves but my mother pointed out the other day I'm 5"3 and barely 100lbs and almost everyone hired at these stores are expected to lift heavy shit, which I can't do. It's possible they'd have me doing something else, but there is still the expectation of lifting heavy shit or dealing with cleaning chemicals, and I have asthma.

I'm still considering this even with those mentioned issues.

There's also the problem none of them where I live are flexible. You have to come in when they ask you too or you often end up fired. I don't have a car yet, and even if I did... Do I WANT to be called in at random times ANY TIME of the day? Sounds fucking shitty. But that's what EVERYONE deals with out here. I'm sure where I just live is shitty.

I'm not at risk of being kicked out of the house and there is no rush to move out, but I don't think any art "job" I have right now is sustainable to moving out sometime in the future. But then again where am I going to move? The city? I want a apartment in the city but the nearest city seems to only have apartments worthy of only Detroit, unless you want to shelve out 1000-4000$ monthly to live with the rich of Texas.

(Please do not suggest onlyfans or camgirl shit. I'm glad this works for some women but it's nothing I have interest in doing, it's not for me.)

So is art as a job sustainable? I have money. I could buy food or clothes or something, I am at no risk to being kicked out. Why does it still feel like I'm unemployed/"useless" by boomer standards? Is a job really anything you can get currency for, or do I need to punch a 9-5 stocking shelves to be considered a real adult?
I thought bout my sister, she works at the library part time basically stocking shelves... She's not fulfilled either in life(a,one her many other issues) She gets paid about as much as I do for art, sometimes less depending if she shows up for work.

She spends it all on video games.
Are we arguably not financially the same?

I've considered patreon, but I don't know how to manage something like that and I feel patreon is very niche.
Also why a patreon? I don't have to move out, I have enough money from commissions for things I need if I needed them, like food or clothes. I don't leave my house often if at all. I have no friends irl and nowhere to go anyways in bum fuck Texas. My friend is in a similar situation to me, but he is attending online art college.
He says he's going to complete art college and then get hired to do art for a living.

By who? I pointed this out to him and he seems to have his eggs in one basket figuratively, but his art is also better than mine so he may get hired.
I'd like to get hired by an actual company to do art but lmao who would even hire me, how and for what? I doubt capcom will hire and pay me to draw zombies for their video games.

I know Rome isn't built in a day but I'm tired of waking up at 3:00 in the morning and having the urge to "fix my life" so strong I can't think about anything else, and then it feels hopeless. I don't know what I want for life, money wise or anything else. Rome isn't built in a day but for me it feels like it's not being built at all.
I guess I should think about Things I want in life and why, maybe.

Posting this here just in case anybody knows
Also pardon the whiny agitated journal, I'm experiencing the definition of fIrst world problems, ive already had a moody crappy week so this is just making me even more horribly annoyed as of the last few days. I'm not having a mental crisis or dying or something, but I am just very angry at every electronic I own frankly.

I've been locked out of my Gmail account. The one I have linked /logged in on my phone. I have an android alcatel if that helps. It's the newest model I think, I got it last year. Our stores carry the newest models when they are out so I have no reason to think its otherwise.

I was trying to download a app from the google play store. Said I needed to login. I tried logging in, could not remember the password. I don't have any automatic/ saving of passwords enabled on this phone. Couldn't find it written anywhere.

Clicked forgot password.
Claimed to have sent me a code to verify on my phone. The code arrived. But i entered it wrong because I don't text on the android often, keys are small I didn't notice
Tried to resend it. Showed up blank.

I went into settings, as in "settings" typed In password. Went to "google account"
It says I reset the password.

I put it as something easy for me to remember and not complicated.

It won't work. "Incorrect password".

It says "you changed your password 19hrs ago" but it still says I am entering it wrong.
Trying to recover it through YouTube, or on my pc doesn't not work.

It doesn't give me "try another way" options anymore. Just says "can't verifying its your account". Gives me no other options besides entering the last password I used.
Enter last password.

"You changed your password 19hrs ago". I'm. Not sure what to do. It won't send me a text message, en email nothing. It says it sent me text or email it never did.

I'm still logged into the email on my phone. But I can't access the account any other way. I need to log in to the Google play store, or YouTube.

Am I fucked? I have my phone number linked and verified. It's not working.

I've had a shit week and now I'm locked out of certain things on my phone. I can't find anything else to do. Does anyone know anything about this? Googling isn't helping me. I don't have another email to make a new one and want to recover this one anyways.

It seems everything electronically I own is just terrible. My PC seems to be breaking, or is having issues my iPad dies so I get a new one, the Internet is suddenly so shit the wifi Id not possible out here to the iPad.
So I'm stuck using the shitty android phone. Now I'm locked out!

Tired tired tired of Fukien everything honestly.

I posted a journal a few days ago, I thought I'd post another.
My cat of 10 years unfortunately had to be put down the other day. I've already talked about it to multiple people and only multiple places so I don't feel like copy pasting the entire situation again. TLDR: she had a aggressive cancer that ate her face and eventually her brain, resulting in multiple strokes.
It's been a few days and I still can't believe she's gone and I'm still in horrible emotional pain.

However the point of this journal isn't that in particular its about commissions and what to do with myself.
I didn't eat or drink almost anything(I actually went two days solid without food) so as a result I'm fucking ill. Me going to the bathroom obviously isn't the same or normal going two days without food(I think I was pissing blood for instance) and almost as long without water. I've started eating and drinking again but I'm still incredibly weak, dizzy and sick. The hallucinations aren't helping either I'm constantly tripping balls from being sick.

In between this and the obvious emotional and mental turmoil, I haven't gotten any sleep. So I'm constantly sick, sleeping or not doing anything.

This brings into fact my commissions. I want to work on them because I'm not feeling interested or motivated in my own artwork at the moment but I am physically fuckng Ill right now. I finished one last night, and I can already see a dip in quality. Nobody else will see it but me, of course but I see it. I didn't draw for a entire week and drawing suddenly feels strange and foreign to me.
I want to draw the commissions because I literally have nothing else to do but sit around sick and crying and vomitting so I should work on them because I have all the time in the world, but I think I'm physically unable to. I want to saunter through but I don't know if I should hold off on certain commissions or not. I don't think anyone is going to complain about a dip in quality besides me.

But yes between my cat passing and the obvious toll that is on me, I am not sick because I went almost three days with no food and almost as long without water. I don't know how long recovery from starvation takes.

I figured I'd post this here, since commissions have been slow, not that they weren't already

But my older cat is sick and very likely going to have to be put down at some point if she doesn't improve.

I haven't drawn in 3 days because I've been spending time with her.
Commissions are potentially on hold

I'm not sure at the moment. I'm not well.

I felt like typing my feelings here, namely because I'm certain my sister and family don't know or remember my Furaffinity so they're very unlikely to read it.
Not really related to commissions just my thoughts and problems on current life. I really don't think I have anywhere else to post this and my friends are probably tired of me at this point and rightfully so, I vent to them often.

I feel lost in life on every avenue and I don't know what to do, and there never seems to be a fix for anything. I don't know if it's my fault, my mothers fault, or the fault or my up bringing. I'm constantly looking for someone to blame, either myself or my mother, but I never find anyone to blame so just end up feeling further anger and stress. But I don't even know if finding someone to blame will accomplish anything. Some of my friends say it won't, and I guess it won't.

I feel like when I talk to people, namely my parents and adults(boomers) IRL they alternate between treating me like a stupid retarded child who doesn't know if you get hit by car u Die and asking me why I don't have a job and house yet and retardedly telling me to "bUY a Car" as if I can afford a car right after they fuckng asked me why I don't have a job yet and then tell me not to apply for a job because I don't have a car...it's a never ending circle at that point. How am I supposed to buy a car if I have no job to get money to afford the car? How am I supposed to get the job to have money to afford the car if I cannot get to the job because I have no car and no one can take me?

I feel like life has set me up for failure and every time I try to find ways to fix or change things I hit dead ends and it just keeps getting hit back into my face and nothing ever changes.
I'm a constant procrastinator that does nothing and even when I do something nothing ever changes so it feels like what's really the point?

And my GED.
I spend most my time trying to avoid thinking about it, I feel like I never confront it directly and say it out right.
Every time I think about the fact I don't have my GED yet I feel shame. I feel shame that I'm 21 and don't have my GED yet. My sister got hers at 16 or 17 but even then she says she literally one by 1 point and didn't even know what she was doing so she clearly lucked out. She took twice and passed and I'm on my fifth or seventh try. How shameful is that?

Who's fault is it? My mothers? Mine? I don't know.
I try to ignore the fact but there's really no changing it so I might as well just say it.
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know what the fuck anything is in the math help YouTube videos. Is it my fault? Maybe. It makes me feel fucking stupid and maybe I am but I've never had good reading comprehension skills my entire life
Given the fact my mother beat me as a toddler when I couldn't figure out how to read so I've hated reading ever since then.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?? She stopped giving me and my sister school work when we were both 12 or 13. The highest grade of math I ever remember studying was up to 8th and some 9 and 10 which i didn't understand. My mother gave up giving us school of any kind because we were too difficult to raise.
What age are you even in 8th grade? I don't fuckin know
She never taught me basic algebra. I don't even know what the fuck I'm looking at when I look at algebra. I try to pretend I know what I'm looking at when I watch these YouTube videos as if my sheer motivation will somehow will me to have the ability to understand what I'm reading but I don't and still don't. I can't afford a tutor. I've had people still trying to help me and I don't know what I'm reading. So then the question becomes what math DO I understand??
Basic math. Multiplication, division... Some barely basic idea of algebra and I know graphs to a certain level.

Don't fucking homeschool your kids if you're a high school drop out that was barely making C's. What a fucking idiot to assume a abusive individual could not only raise kids but teach them anything. Such a arrogant asshole.
Just because you were a piece of shit in school and got bullied doesn't mean I'd have been dumbass.

So I don't know shit and I'm stupid as stone.
I know it's probably stupid but it does and has effected me. I have never had any positive reinforcement my entire life related to school. It was either beatings or constant beratments. It was never I'm doing good it's I'm doing shit.
And the best part? She'd fuckng finish our school for us if we got too annoying!

She let us do whatever the fuck we wanted with no structure and now she wonders why she raise lazy pieces of shit who do nothing. She never had to motivation to try to make us better so now here is how we are.

I'm a lazy piece of unmotivated shit because that's how she raised us. She treated us like shit but we were arguably raised in supreme laziness. It goes without saying but being raised without any rules fucks you up. Maybe it does for some kids but it fucked me up.

Structure. I have no structure. I have never had structure in fucking anything. I don't know anything about structure or sticking to them because I never had any. I don't understand them and they are foreign to me. So the result is I have no structure and I'm sitting here like an alien observing human life confused about what humans are doing. And she fucking EXPECTS me to have structure in my life. She constantly tells me I have no structure and I'm lazy and don't want to do anything.And I guess that's true I'd rather be sleeping. It's probably my fault on some part but I just can't adjust to any structures I don't know how.

Why is this a problem? Well for one good luck adjusting to society one of these days. I was raised without any concept of this shit so I don't get it. I know what it is but I hate structure or maybe it just scares me to stick to one thing for too long. But on the flip side lack of structure is too many options. I wish I had someone to tell me what to do but I have too many options and I probably wouldn't listen to them anyway. I'm an adult and have to run my own life and I'm poorly suited for that. Who the fuck would trust me with anything?

The lack of structure effects me "attempting" to study for my GED. I'm either miserable and upset and being angry that I'm not drawing, so not thinking about my GED or trying to study for my GED and doing nothing else leaving myself miserable. I can't find the fucking balance that even feels good. I feel like I have been raised and allowed to stew in this for so long that I can't seem to find any other way of life that works or feels comfortable.

So I'm stuck in a rut and I don't feel like anything will ever change. I can apply for jobs ; but who will take me? Dad says to just apply and hope it works out and I'm probably gonna try that but that doesn't fix my other problems or the fact I know shit about math and the fact getting a GED seems integral to living or something. Everyone around me and adults act like if I don't have one I'm a Neanderthal and may be I am.
I have no solution for things and I feel lost, ashamed and stupid. Stupid a shame.

Thought I'd post a update journal on the arm and spider situation.

My arm is, once again, hurt. From what this time? Who the fuck knows at this point. It's doing the exact same shit it was doing when I slept weird on it earlier this month. I'm not even convinced that ever fully "healed" or whatever it was supposed to be doing.

I've spent the combined maybe week probably less of this month actually drawing.
And the drawing I WAS doing was commissions. If it wasn't for commissions I'd probably just lay in bed all day, not that I don't already do that.

So the arm situation is leaving me feeling not only more depressed(if that's possible) than I already am but leaves me feeling hopeless because there seems no fix for it.
Maybe I'm just a pussy or something and just suddenly relized my arm has been cramping this entire time and suddenly NOW it's an issue for me. I think this might have to do with the spider bite but a day before I got bit by a spider I drew some of my own art, and my wrist cramped even into the morning after I had slept.
It seemed like not such a issue then because I felt relieved that I was not only invested and engaged in something enough to have drawn something for myself and managed to ignore the pain(what surprisingly little there was that night) that I thought it meant I could start fully drawing again so I was ignoring it. But then I got bit by the spider and it seemed my pain returned.

Or maybe separate pain returned combined with already pre-existing pain. Again.
If I got bit by the spider would I had drawn that night? Possible but it's also possible it would've hurt again and I would've had been so dispondent over it I would've not drawn. I believe I am healed of the spider bite symptoms; I feel to like I'm tripping balls and dying anymore but my body still aches in places.

Which I guess brings me to my next point: I can no longer tell if I am actually in pain or imagining it.
If anyone knows me, specially my closer friends I have a history of chronic hypochondria usually related to anxiety. I have literally imagined or convinced myself of things before in the past.
I'm not trying to, but my brain seems completely unable to stop doing it. I will have full on panic attacks at small things. Like when I got stung by a stinging weed and was convinced the pattern was a black widow bite and that I was going to die.
Insert fake symptoms based on what I know about black widow bites and symptoms. It was a stinging weed and it a black widow, obviously. But my brain decided it HAD been bit by one and that I was dying so went full anxiety fake symptom.

The problem is it does this on literally everything uncontrollably. I don't know if my arm is hurting because I expect it too, or if it is actually hurting at this point. I think it is hurting, I feel real pain in it
But there are times during the day I don't feel pain with it. Usually when I'm distracted or thinking about art I want to do. But when I go to do said art insert pain
I have pain when working on commissions, which really don't involve me putting my personal emotions into them like my own art, so maybe that is what my arm really feels. But when I want to work on my own art, my arm hurts more. It does it less when I doodle random shit.

I tried drawing last night and I drew a ok looking image
But the pain in my arm felt so stiff it felt pointless. It wasn't fun or enjoyable I was in horrible pain like a splint in my arm.
Obviously through this commissions are still being worked on.

But that doesn't help me or my problems and I feel hopeless it will ever heal.
I guess there's the other issue; I am completely unmotivated and uninterested in art in general. When I want to do my own art I am in pain. When I am not in pain I don't want to do art. I don't remember how this healed last time. It either healed by itself or my mind decided it wasn't a issue because I was so motivated to work on my own art that I ignored it.
My friend says "if I'm distracted I'll ignore it" well I'm not properly distracted and even when I seem to be I'm still in pain.

I don't know what to do anymore and I don't feel like trying anything. I used to wake up and be excited for what I'll draw after working on commissions but now I don't even bother wondering that, because I know I won't be drawing tonight because I'm in pain. I'm either imagining it at this point, or my brain has decided arm cramps is enough for me to stop drawing.

Either way I'm not happy and haven't drawn this entire month because of it.

Just posting this to tell everyone I'm probably not going to be drawing for 3-5 days.
I got bit by some kinda fucking spider again and I'm currently tripping balls high off my ass shivering like I got flu x5000, weak shaking

And my absolute favorite: every single muscle in my entire body is screaming in agony.

No I do t think I will die
Sadly

Because this happened once before.

Now I feel like I'm fucking dying but whatever asshoke spider bit me won't allow me the sweet release of death from this agony.

I'm literally just going to be sitting in spot not moving for three days because of this.

No I don't k ow the spider my friend said it was a common Texas spider or something which main symptom is crippling pain.

But hollllllllyyyyy shit I am literally tripping balls right now I'm not fucking lying is this what drugs feel like? I feel like I'm on some other goddamn planet fucking woah

This is great but shut


Bye if I die I don't think I will I'm sorry

Felt the need to update, because outside of I think DeviantART and my friends I forgot I haven't posted it here. I assumed I wouldn't need to, as I thought it would be healed by now, but apparently not.

I've had an arm injury!....again!. I hesitate to call it a "injury" but it hurts so whatever the hell else WOULD it be called? I think I posted about my previous arm injury here, but I didn't think I'd have another one.:/ yay

Our water-line for our entire neighborhood busted somewhere a few weeks ago(I think towards the end of last month?) and every single time this happens, the pipes in our house scream like rats being raped with cactus'.
So me, in my infinite wisdom, and angry I couldn't sleep because the pipes were busting loud nuts
decided to plug my finger of my right hand in my ear
I couldn't find new earplugs in my defense.

Well, it worked! I fell asleep
But apparently falling asleep with my arm propped up was a bad idea because now my arm hurts to shit and I haven't been drawing.
It's gotten better, but it still here.
The pain is gone from my wrist and elbow but my shoulder, and the area where my armpit is connected to my tit burns like if you stood in place with your arm tensed for hours.

So that being said I'm not exactly drawing.
It felt better a week ago, ended up typing to my friend for three hours. Hurt it
Next day it felt vaguely better, drew all night
hurt it

so now we're a week past that and I tried stretching as my friend suggested, now it burns more so I think I'm just going to stop that and go back to being a lazy fuck until it feels better.

Also there's the issue; I am entirely unmotivated with art of any kind.
why is this an issue?
Well the last time I eventually forgot about my arm because I was so motivated to draw it just seemed meaningless.
Well I'm depressed, antsy, swamped with commissions and broke(per usual) so I am entirely unmotivated with art.

Not saying it would stop the very REAL pain I am having
but being happy and distracted WITH pain, is better than being upset, tired and depressed with pain.

I haven't stopped working on commissions; they will just be slower because I am not drawing at night.
But I need my nightly "move my wrist" shit so when I do I work on commissions.

so yea fml sleeping wierd janked my arm to literal shit.

If got exists he's a bitch with a sense of humor for this kinda shit to happen to me.

Posting this because a commissioner decided to post a artist beware on me for being slow, without even having the courtesy to send me a note asking about the progress of their commission(s). Granted I did forget to send them a requested WIP on a YCH but in their commission I heard nothing from them.

I am not responsible for sending unprompted updates outside of specific stages, unless specifically asked to.

This refers to ONLY "how is my art/progress going" notes, not when you ask for art at a certain stage (line work, colored, shaded). I am speaking of check ins only.

You are responsible and free to send me a "how is my art going" note at any time.
I am not going to do it myself, i have a large amount of commissioners to work with at any given time(and currently) so I'm defiantly not going to remember to do this.

And on another note, a commissioner decided to block me. I was, again, received no "how is my art going".
This is a problem because now I cannot send them the image, or even apologize for for not completing it faster. To the person with the arcanine you has me blocked: your commission is still going to be completed. I cannot send it to you and won't contact you given you deemed to block me instead of messaging me at any time.
I did not mean to forget about the YCH, I think I forgot to add it to the que. I really wish you would have sent me a note, even a angry one before blocking me because now I cannot contact you.

I am very sorry.

I don't know if people think I have the mind of a robot because I am not going to remember to send unprompted check ins to over 30 people.

And another thing: I don't know why every tries it, demanding a refund is not going to get you a refund. It states in the description of my images I do not do refunds, so demanding refunds is as useless as trying to argue "the devil made me do it" in court. I assume people try this to scare me, but I already state I don't do refunds and if your image is literally half complete surely isn't gonna happen then.

Please send "how is my art progressing" notes at any time, you are allowed to do that. I will not remember to send you a note saying "just finished line arting the tail." "Just finished the colors on the toes" or something.

Hello, if you sent me a note or a comment I have not forgotten! I have likely read it(assuming FA has not deleted them or not bothered to notify me) I have been overwhelmed with my mental issues as of late and equally overwhelmed trying to organize commissions and reply to people :( a bunch of people want WIPS at certain stages and I have to figure out who I've sent what to as I can't remember atm
if you have not received a reply yet that is why!

Also on the off chance you see this because I cannot find your email or your notes; whoever paid me for the chubby bear YCH please note me I cannot get in contact with me, I am trying.

I am very sorry ;__:

Smh don't know why I'm posting this
or at all, because I don't particularly feeling like talking about it. I've spoken to it with friends, and made a reddit post just for the habit... I suppose. I feel like talking about this should make me feel better or "normal" but I don't really think it will.

My mental issues aren't good. That's the least said. There are many new and old problems I have been dealing with, most I might list out or some I don't think I'll bother with kinda depends how much I feel like typing.

I've posted about my mother in the past, and how she's shitty and treats me like shit, that's nothing new.

Well she found my reddit account and to some extent my DeviantART account. I say "found" because she already knew about it and technically with the help of my stupid ass lardass bitch sister stumbled across my status updates about them.
Nothing really new there to be honest.

This has really messed me up to say the least.
None of my accounts are private, I make no pretend of that. They're private to no one and have never been. I think I deluded myself into thinking they were some kind of safe heaven private or something when they weren't and never were. I always had the assumption they either knew about them(and to some extent they did) or knew about me shitting on their asshole behavior online.

Obliviousness is bliss as they say. Technically I was (slightly) 'unknown' by them, but if your neighbor farms vegetables out of his front yard and then you discover her also farms vegetables out of his back yard, will you be surprised he farms vegetables?
Same knowledge different location. same thing.

I feel like my privacy has been raped up the ass, but there was never any privacy to rape up the ass.
Everything has always been public.

I'm having a lot of really bad anxiety, I think, but I really can't think of what for.
Because them seeing my accounts, is literally no different than the hundreds of ex friends and general people I've spat with over the years seeing my accounts. they ARE public. Nothing is private.
Every time I post
I post to the public. This is like if I wore a shirt of Barney in public and someone says "hey is that Barney?" and then I have a anxiety attack because I felt anonymous until someone pointed it out.
It's stupid.
Nothing was ever private and nothing online wasn't shit I said to their faces.

They,of course, in their infinite obliviousness and shittyness tried to make me feel shitty for posting online.
My stupid ass mother implied I'm supposed to "keep it to myself"
If I did that I'd have killed myself eons ago mate.
She also per usual tried to justify her shit on how she talked to me. There really is no arguing with people who refuse to ever change their viewpoints. My sister took out of this that I shit on her liking K-pop.
K-pop is shit. If she is gonna shit on me for liking things then I'm gonna shit on her for liking things as well.

They both act like just because they don't talk about me online I shouldn't.
I'm not living my life for them.

It feels incredibly shitty they found my accounts and I'd rather they have not but I just don't think I care all that much. I'm having bad anxiety but I always have bad anxiety anytime I get upset.
I feel like nothing has changed but at the same time my mind has convinced me things have "changed". What has changed? Nothing really. They just heard things I already said about them and they knew about, just posted online.
Boomers and hermits don't understand young people. Their world was whatever the fuck they did back in the day and my world is the internet. It's where I talk to people and interact with people.

I think out of all of this I'm worried this is somehow going to "change" me or something. Like the knowledge they seen or have seen my accounts will ultimately mean anything when in reality it really doesn't or shouldn't mean any more than discovering my ex-friends sometimes stalk my accounts. I don't think they spend all day reading my posts, I think my sister does but my sister can suck a dick so I don't care about her.

I feel like emotions are having some kind of "expected reaction" and I'm tired of having it even though I genuinely don't give a shit. It's not going to stop me from posting. It's not going to make me delete my accounts. It's not going to make me stop venting on there.
Every time I post I post with the knowledge people I might not like will potentially see it. Why do trolls or random assholes mean any different ot me than my mother and sister? It doesn't, but my anxiety and depression will pretend it does.

I'm having all kinds of anxiety problems; fatigue, lack of concentration, spacing out, headaches.
But I also can't be sure if this is just random shit from being tired. The caffeine is fucking me up, was some before this happened and I'm still having similar problems.

I'm tired of thinking about it. I wish I could go back to being "normal" before they found it, but really that was just false peace before they inevitably got mad at me about something else. It would've been the same shit, another day another form.
I've been gaslighted me entire life and I'm tired of the feeling of guilt I get for talking about how they make me feel. As if my feelings are invalid or something or I should feel guilty when I shouldn't.
I'm angry at them for making me feel the way I feel.
But I feel shitty all the time regardless so just another day another shit feeling.

I know this feeling will go away eventually but atm my anxiety isn't good.
I guess there's nothing to do but sleep and wait around until I feel better but I worry I will never feel better. My mind keeps returning to, and pretending things are suddenly different somehow when they're not.

"My mother found my reddit account where I shit on her"
instant anxiety.
But same effect can be applied to anything I have or haven't accomplished. job, whatever.

Sorry for rambling and sorry for the wait on commissions. I don't know if posting this will make me feel any better or not. Maybe for a while.

I suddenly feel like everyone is watching me and I'm antsy. Not even my private messages feel safe but I know this is a unrealistic thought. No one can see my thoughts or my pMS for that matter.
I look at my accounts and feeling nothing is safe anymore. But it never was so what a stupid idea.
I like to imagine I will forget about this sometime and pretend it never happened. I feel disassociated or in denial somehow but I cannot change what has already happened.

I'm sorry for the delay on commissions
I linearted and fully colored eight of them
Except now I have nothing but eight, fully detailed images needing completing, Ie; backgrounds and shading and finishing and doing nothing but backgrounds and shading have sapped the shit out of any "creative juices" I had, namely because backgrounds take the longest in thought and effort out of the whole image.
So grouping this process eight times over isn't helping anything.
So basically I've been shading fucking trees on eight separate images for weeks now that all look indistinguishable to me.

Obviously the solution would be to switch to linearting again.
I would but as I said I linearted to completion like eight damn images.

What the fuck am I going to lineart??? I have a few more to lineart but as soon as I finish the lineart it moves to "to be colored" status
a.k.a what I already am AT

I don't even know what goddamn month it is anymore honestly.
I swear I've been doing nothing but sleeping.
I haven't even logged in to any accounts in like two weeks. I haven't been doing anything.

I still have the big depression, shocker

Amazon gave me a bullshit fine so now I'm broke and can't buy a DA membership, bar $5, if you don't have a membership DA locks your account.
what am I going to sell for 5$!?

I haven't even really been talking to my friends.
I don't feel like talking to anyone.
Trying anything lately feels pointless. I don't want to try anything because I never succeed because I'm a failure.
I haven't gotten a job yet.
And because of that my family still considers me a lazy, unemployed piece of shit.
how the fuck am I supposed to get a job when every single one I have come across requires 2-5 years experience?!
On STOCKING SHELVES?
I don't even need a GED but it has a bunch of other shit for that.
What am I supposed to do??
Time to try Linkden.

Nothing makes me happy anymore.
Not even drawing.
I don't want to do anything but sleep and live vicariously through cartoon characters I draw having a fun time and in the loving embrace of their families who don't shit on them every day and call them useless pieces of shit.
I'm gonna die a virgin like Velma from Scooby Doo. But Velma at least had a nice ass

I'm basically undateable. who wants to date the high maintenance girlfriend who's not even hot enough to support the upkeep? I look like I'm fucking 12 I'm literally barely 5'3 and 95 lbs with no tits or arse to speak of as my mother likes to remind me
Can't help it I have medical problems effecting my weight, shithead mother
Honestly I'm so dead inside at this point I would probably not even enjoy sex.
Relationships seem like too much trouble I can barely keep up with friends how the fuck I keep up with a boyfriend?

None of my friends like the same shit I do
I used to not care but damn sometimes it would be nice to talk to some people about a video game I like and they would like it equally but I mean at my current mind set I'd not enjoy the deep debate about the genders of Lumen sages and Umbran Witches or their mythological inspirations in their architecture

FML, I wish I was hot enough to be a hooker.

fmlfmlfmlfmlf

Honestly half the time I post these it's so I can come up with increasingly stupider fucking titles as references for how many times I talk about my life problems here and give updates.

Blahblah not really a art update journal just another one talking about shit I'm going through and life problems. If you wanna read read if you don't then don't that's 'bout it
There is some commission shit in here though so whatevs'
Also sometimes people in the comments have advice that might be helpful or insightful; like that time I complained on here about a computer and ended up with a new homie

And holy crap the last time I posted these was only three months ago? What was I happy for, like a fucking WEEK in between that? eh
Gonna be a joke at this point, "I'm never happy" E-yore lookin- ass.
Not really sure how to start this journal
I've been doing shit lately.

In between the last time I posted a journal I had like three mental break downs, not that I quite remember what those were about or why
Uhh
My mother destroyed some drawings I did as a kid, told me she wished I'd die and she had never had me. So that was a whole thing. I spend most my time trying to avoid or hide my feelings usually, save for the people I talk to about it. But even then I don't bother to go into as much detail as it seems because explaining my feelings is hard, especially when depression is making me want to sleep and do nothing else, sort of like it is now,:/ I'm sure its from a lifetime of repressing feelings, but I feel like at this point I just accepted I'm never gonna be mentally happy and always have issues. Doesn't feel like its going to get much worse, frankly.

A the end of January I got into a fight with my mother in which she accidentally closed a door on my hand. My drawing hand :/
It hurt for more than a week after that. I had a lot of other issues with said arm and hand after that, I wasn't and am not sure if I am imagining it as I've done shit like this before in the past. Not really fun to have basically no control over weather your brain decides to pretend you're dying today or not So my hands been hurting like shit and I haven't been able to draw. I've been working on commissions because I got paid too, what else am I going to do with myself, and I need to get some shit finished
but I haven't done my own trying and any attempts to has left me miserable. My arm alternates between burning and cramping so I'm not really doing anything.

Not really sure what it is, at this point. It went away for like a week, but I slept on the arm and now its once again hurting horribly.
Started wondering if this is my life now and if I should just kill myself, because honestly I'd have no reservations about taking a bullet to the head at this point, I'm pretty goddamn dead inside and not much effects me anymore, but I can't in good faith say my hand is irreparably damaged from a light smush in the door.

Reasons its probably NOT the door?

*smashed my hand in a door before; it healed fine and it was a worse wound, it turned my hand solid purple where as this one barely turned it red.
*My left arm is doing this too and my left arm hasn't been injured.
* I spent a entire week before my hand was smushed doing 7-10 hours in one sitting on one image every night.
*I was progressively getting achier and achier
*I may have some kind of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
*the pain is now coming from my shoulder(s) and neck, not so much the hand.
I closed my hand in a door again to prove this point.

Reasons its probably the door?
I dunno... *didn't have this pain like this until it happened. So.

The only other time I remember having shit like this was when I spent a entire month or two playing Okami every night for six hours and my arm ended up like this. Maybe I should just sit around and do nothing and hope it improves but I'm depressed as shit so waiting around is fucking me up mentally, not that I already wasn't.
I've tried ignoring it and that seems work like... 30% of the time.
For some reason I occasionally forget about it then its back.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I may be ill because every muscle in my body burns.

I've spent the last week breathing chemicals because our pipes broke and had to be repaired, it snowed for three days in a row, which is apparently hasn't done in like 30years. My asthma has been shit because of it. The water is apparently "not safe" according to the water people out here. we didn't have water for several nights.

As far as art goes commissions are arguably going better than ever as I've been boredom working on like seven a night compared to the usual I do so I've got a bunch almost complete.

So blah blah I'm depression(nothing new) I can't draw, I'm in crippling pain and much doesn't look like its getting better or will so I'm pondering the big questions like if I should take up heroin or off myself
either one is fine honestly

I'm fuckin tired.

Got some sketch books I wanna get before they sell, $20 here and there is nice but not doing me so good as far as the big picture monetarially goes...
so journal advertising! not really a 'rush' but I'd still like to get them before they sell. Looking to purchase a few lol, they're 20 each + shipping so pricey bastards.

Willing to mark the $75 to a 65 https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40166982/



I have these chibi fat YCHS open- $20 each,
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40180759/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40134485/
Finish them quickly and they're easy to finish

I have this TLK lioness YCH open-https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40167102/

Willing to mark this one down to $55 https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38278532/ with degraded shading

STILL OPENS
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40181208/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40181213/

I dunno. Just felt like posting shit. Nothing related to commissions in here, I'm just depression rambling.
my friends are busy and I don't want to bother them again for the eight time this month to discuss how I'm "not doing well". I've definitely turned into that emotional baggage friend and I avoid being around people because of it. Not because they aren't there for me but because I don't want to be a burden and I know I am in some way, I guess to myself.

Man I like
don't feel shit anymore.
I don't feel happy anymore and I really don't feel sad either. I don't feel much of anything. Least not when my mother speaks to me anymore. I constantly feel like I'm trying to make myself feel anything and I don't feel anything, nothing is making me feel anymore. I laugh at movies and videos I find funny, but I don't "feel" like I'm laughing.
I get berated by mother and just ended up feeling surprised it didn't make me feel anything anymore. I feel like I'm asleep all the time emotionally or mentally. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
I've been trying to enjoy things all year and I have enjoyed nothing this year.

My birthday is in a few days and I don't feel anything. I've been trying to feel festive and I haven't felt any way at all.
I don't know if its mental related or just because its been what I've been watching but lately all I've been drawing in my spare time is gore. Not for any reason; I just enjoy drawing it and blood. I don't know if its because its one of the things I rarely if ever draw so when I do it I get to practice guts, anatomy and blood( a different kind of fluid) but all I've been sketching is things tied up, bound or incapacitated or smothered and unable to escape something or someone. I only noticed it when I looked at this months sketches and noticed they were all the same bar three.:/
A intelligent or uppity person might tell you this is projecting of ones mental state.
And maybe. But I could say that of everything, couldn't you?

I don't know what to say. I usually have some kind of reason or thing to accomplish by rambling about my mental health but I don't feel like i have any this time. Just not doing well, I guess. I wish I could feel something again.

I had a dream the other day of some unseen voice telling my I should draw Spyro again, things I used to draw when I enjoyed drawing
I looked at a drawing of Spyro I apparently did, noticed it looked different and said "I won't be the same as it used to be." and I guess that dream is indicative of my mental state.

I wish the weather matched Autumn. It does not.

I made a version of this on DeviantART but I figured I should post one here as well. Not entirely sure why, I guess if people want to know about commissions or whatever.... they aren't on hold or stopped, don't worry. I truck through shit.

Thought I'd post a journal because I dunno if more people read them... or something, than status updates. That and I guess it feels more formal since I haven't been posting much and I dunno if I will

if anybody hasn't noticed I haven't been on much lately, or really doing anything.
I've got the big depression, lads. I haven't been doing anything but logging on to my computer, maybe talking to my home-skillet bestfriend and then logging off and going to sleep.

I literally don't feel like doing A N Y T H I N G let alone fucking drawing. I barely have the motivation to type this fucking journal.

And I think it goes without saying, if you're into this this won't make sense to you
But god damn Drawing cartoon dogs having sex. every. single. night. is one of the most fucking soul sucking things I've ever set through doing. I know I'm on a furry porn website, no ones is making me stay here. Yadda yadda.
I swear I'm completely desensitized to fucking porn or something at this point.Just turning off your brain every night to sit through drawing cartoon dog vaginas and dicks gets to you, if you're not into this shit. the only joy I get outta this shit is the money and knowing the commissioner is happy. fuck whatever friend told me to get into furry porn for cash years ago. The only thing I can imagine this is like is being the art equivalent of a whore and not enjoying it.

I felt like typing how I feel would somehow make me feel better but I got into a cycle of "I don't feel like it right now" so then I just don't do it. So I imagine this journal is just gonna be shit because rather than making sure I type it in some kinda sarcastic, assholish 'witty' manner I usually do I'll just type the basic shit to describe my feelings. Or something.

I talk about it often so I think everyone knows I've been struggling with depression for years , actually I think my entire life at this point. I could probably give a timeline of when specific shit started that irked my ass out that stayed and never went away that lead to where I am currently, but that's like starting a WWII documentary with "so in the beginning of time god made the earth..." kinda shit

too much info with little matter

But yea I got the big fucking depression. I'm doing jack shit and haven't been doing anything for a while now.

I think my currents issues started in August when we had a power outage that "broke" my computer(it was the cord. not the computer). I was doing all good and happy drawing How to train your dragon stuff

the suddenly my computer is broken and I'm back to not doing anything but sitting around jacking off with the laptop trying to get money on fucking Furaffinity to pay for the repairs, motherboard, I think a few cords(?) and some other shit. Not to mention fucking bank fines. Did you know if you don't pay the bank fine within three days they recharge you double? yea fucking figured that one out the hard way. Byebye nearly $100 fucking dollars.

So it seems like every time I get happy even remotely something shows up to shit on my damn parade. So I spent all of August going into a depression more so than usual, I was already having concentration issues and my mother treating me like shit per usual. And then I started getting into Slasher shit again

and y'know Slasher movies are great for normal people but I've had a weird relationship with them since I was like 15. I usually only watch Slasher shit when I'm depressed. I think everyone goes through a depression/emo phase and slasher movies just became the thing over the years I would take part in/consume/watch/read about whenever I was in a bad depression. I dunno maybe something was cathartic about watching Michael myers gut a bitch because it was some physical aggression helped me feel less aggressive
or drawing my Slasher wolf ripping the entrails out of something was a physical movement to get stress off. But being depressed and watching slasher movies might not be bad for normal people but I dunno man I think it fucks me up or something. After a while I start getting desensitized to violence, start having weird dreams and it effects my mood. Watching people choke on their own blood via Jason Voorhees is cool for a while but shit gets you down after a while
It also doesn't help the weird violent nightmares I end up having about my mother or myself.

All in all a shit mindset y'know not a fun place or whatever.

So I started getting into slasher movie shit again even after I got my computer fixed. And it was all fun for a while but I got fucking bored and kinda bummed, dudes. There's only so long a homie can write a story about a giant ass crazy slasher dog pulling entrails out before shit gets old.

So I sat around doing nothing for like half of September. I think I doodled some creepy pasta shit but I can't remember what the hell else I did.
At some point I got into my mind I wanted to try playing a game called Feral hearts again
Oh what a bright fuckin idea that was.

I posted about it a lot, but Feral hearts became like a fucking obsession for me. Like "imperative to my happiness I literally can't do anything if I don't play this game" kinda shit. I guess it was just another thing for me to obsess over because I didn't have nothing else to do. I dunno Feral Hearts always has this type of "feeling" I wanted to capture again. A feeling I used to have back when I was less depressed or some shit

So I spent all of September trying to get this game to work to no avail.
To the point it started seriously impacting my happiness. I began not drawing because I wanted to save my artistic interest for Feral Hearts. Think of the art I was going to make! I started not drawing at all. I hadn't drawn for like a day or so. I couldn't even work on commissions. Felt nothing but depression and no motivation what so ever when I went to draw I just fucking couldn't. did not feel it.

I've been feeling tired and burnt out on art for a while now.

Man I genuinely can't remember the last fucking time I actually wanted to draw. I draw because I don't have anything else to do(not counting commissions which I don't consider my 'art' at all. Punch in punch out, sell burger, I go home and use money on something I want). Art hasn't been "I wonder why I'm gonna draw tonight! Hope I finish enough before it gets too late and I have to go to bed!"

Its "jack around doing nothing and maybe draw some random shit for a hour I'm never gonna finish". I haven't wanted to fuckng draw in forever, man.

That is until I got the Feral Heart bug.

So I finally got feral hearts to work! How? by installing a driver! the issue? pretty sure it fucked my computer. experienced a whole host of shit after installing the computer, all of which I'm certain I fixed.
The issue? I'm not happy. It didn't make me happy. I haven't even played Feral Hearts. I potentially fucked my computer
14% sure I am still having issues but I'm probably hallucinating at this point, have to be honest. Go into a building wanting to see a ghost, what will you see? a ghost. Yea.
So I've spent the last three days or more pondering if I'm going to have to system restore my fucking computer. First it was the right clicking. Couldn't right click without freezing the computer. Fixed that with the help of my friend

my computer was lagging to shit and back. With the help of my dawg again, I uninstalled the INtel Graphics control panel, stopped it from starting up when the computer did
yay ya the world is great
But no it isn't; my computer was still lagging on Photoshop to the point I couldn't draw. Was certain it was the driver. Was certain I'd have to system restore the computer again. Y'know bringing a whole host of anxiety with it. Because every time I system restore this computer it lags for like three fucking days as HP, and every computer I owned does.

I mean imagine being put under anesthesia and waking up 3-4 days prior and having to remember the fuck you usually do. That's the effect.

Discovered as of tonight it was Furaffinity; they have new fully animated Ads that lag the pC to shit. Thanks Furaffinity, I almost system restored the computer because of you. Dickwipe. So all should be good in the world, right? my computer isn't lagging; it was furaffinity.

I can play Feral hearts. I don't have to system restore my computer. yayyay?

No Yayyay I still aren't alright. Still can't shake the feeling the computer is fucked. I spent the last two days on repeat drawing fucking circles in photoshop trying to catch it slipping but I haven't. I spent the last two days going <a href=" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2xbLV_NSbk "> I'll get you, Bitch</a>
But I ain't ever got it. I discovered that it was Furaffinity or screen tearing because of the colors on the canvas. Y'know. The normal shit it always done before.

And the colors. I've been trying to catch them slipping but I ain't caught them sleeping. I think I haven't. They seem whiter than usual, they seem more pale or grey at times. But guess fucking what? If I don't get enough sleep; they do that. If I look away from the screen and look back, it will either look brighter or darker because my eyes art complete shit. But because I installed a driver, I cannot convince my brain it is not broken.

I feel like I'm trying to lie to myself to convince myself it isn't broken, but lying to myself isn't going to fix anything so I think I'll just say it to get it off my chest and stop pretending I'm not upset:

I think the driver fucked my colors and fucked my computer.
Is it LIKELY it did? no. I have found nothing about intel drivers fucking the computers colors up. Literally nothing. Nvidia graphics are known to do this but not intel.
But at the same time I'm fully aware its probably my brain convincing me of it.
I yanked the cord by accident the other day and I convinced myself the colors were messed. Am I really imagining it or are the colors actually miffed? who the fuck knows.
Even before the damn driver I was doing this avoidant shit.

I had a brush in PS I avoided using because it would lag occasionally.

Every time I look at the fucking computer I swear its doing what the adapter cable was doing; inconsistent colors. Sometimes things looks white, sometimes things look grey. I dunno, it could also be my eyes.

I feel like if it did do this before the driver I never somehow noticed.
I swear the photoshop brush is lagging slightly but I think its just because my brain is seeing it go to fast, or expecting it.
It just doesn't make sense the colors *suddenly* look different than before the driver. Because there is LITERALLY nothing logically or scientifically different. The driver cannot change my computers colors.
Least not going through the fucking MONITOR and CABLE.
The adapter cable was shit because its three cables linked through a adapter and then my PC. It was shit because of that.

But there is no logical reason as to why what I think is happening is happing.:/ Does telling myself this, or having multiple people who work with or on computers make me feel better? no. No it does not.

This is like if I said "I believe touching this orange will kill me instantly".

Is there a logical reason for that belief? Is there absolutely ANY scientific evidence that would support touching this orange would instantly kill me? no. No there sure as fuck is not. Not gonna stop me from thinking it, now would it?

Tired of this shit, man. It's constant. All the time.

I'm tired of every day waking up and feeling like 'I can't draw today."

I can't draw today, because I'm tired. I can't draw today, because I got into a fight with my mother and now I'm upset.

I can't draw today, because I want to play Feral Hearts on my computer, and it won't run.

I can't draw today, because the driver I installed to run Feral Hearts is causing my computer to stick when I right click.

I can't draw today, because the Intel Graphics Driver control panel starts up on boot.

I can't draw today because my internet and photoshop is lagging.

Everything was fixed. I uninstalled the intel graphics control panel. It does not boot anymore because it does not exist.

Photoshop was lagging because Furaffinity updated their website with more adds.

I can't draw today because I don't want too or feel motivated. At this point I am unconsciously trying to or find reasons as to why I haven't been drawing. This in truth is probably only another one of the many things "making" me not draw today.

The colors? I still don't feel the colors are ok. I still feel the computer is going to lag when it hasn't been. I've been obsessively testing it, and it hasn't lagged. I've been obsessively testing it over and over again and it hasn't done it.

What looks like lag? Screen tearing from the bright pink and black sketch. Which its always done.

I guess at this point I should just assume and feel accepted that the computer is fine, and the computer isn't broken. But I don't feel like that
I feel like I'm waiting for the lag or the color errors to justify myself to myself.But it hasn't happened. I think I proved what it is.

But I still don't want to draw. I still don't feel like drawing. I think making excuses is just so I don't feel ashamed. I guess saying things out loud or getting them off my chest might help in some way. But it doesn't make me feel like drawing right now. When I say it is why I wasn't drawing I mean it:

>I don't want to draw right now because I am convinced my computer is broken. I am convinced it will lag. I am convinced the colors aren't right. I am convinced it will screen tear and it will break.

That is what I feel, unfortunately.

Is it factual or proper belief and paranoia? No. But welcome to mental illness.

So yea long ass journal on where I am been mentally. Not good really.

I wake up every day feeling like wanting to draw at some point that day.

"You can't draw today. You have to make sure the colors aren't broken. You have to try and convince yourself on the small, minuscule chance they are somehow broken you won't be upset."

I'm tired of trying to convince myself the idea of the colors being broken doesn't bother me. The fuck I d then? they logically aren't broken. just because I feel they're broken, doesn't make them broken. Welcome to the joys of mental illness.

maybe I should buy a entire new cord just to convince my brain it isn't broken.:/

But yea I think thats all I have to say right now. Not doing well. haven't been drawing. can't shake the OCD cycle.

I don't know anymore. I'm not doing that well.

thanks for reading if you did,

For anyone who has been following my Feral Heart journal I posted offering two free NSFW/sfw fully detailed commissions, I have a update!... as in none. There is no update.:/ it was never fixed. Never got it working and it looks like I won't be.

I feel like nobody knows jack shit about ANYTHING, including me. I know jackshit about anything. You know who SHOULD know jack shit about something? the fucking mods. I don't want to shit on them because they're being very nice and attempting to help me, but fuck the mods and head admin on this site are fucking terrible at management and I think they always have been.

They've done the equivalent of asking me to turn it off and on again. They don't seem to know shit past this. I've gotten the polite equivalent of "lmao I don't know".

And that's the issue. They don't K N O W.
This has to be the worst fucking "customer support" I have ever experienced in fucking ANYTHING. I know its a free game and its always been run like this, but the mods don't seem to know shit about this game. And if it doesn't work for you, well lmaaaaaaaao too bad. At some point I've just gotten "we don't knows" and that's the end of it.
I've been told "the customer is always right" and I personally think that is bullshit, but damn I swear I have never experienced a team that just eventually goes "we don't know" when you can't get their fucking game working and something is obviously wrong with it.

I feel like I'm just given a *shrug* and nothing else. The fuck do I do now? I haven't gotten it working and it doesn't look like I will. The hell DO you DO when you can't get a game working? give up? I guess I should give up. I could go on for fucking ages at how shit the management team is at Feral Hearts, but I don't think that would do anything.

But I'll just say it because I'm tired of pretending it hasn't been bothering me; fuck this useless, stupid ass, terrible and pointless 1.17 "patch" that was supposed to "improve the game" but didn't add nothing but some stupid tail-resizing scroll wheel and making the emotes go wider-mouth or squinty eyes.
It's fucking stupid and pointless, and this poorly managed, already in the pits game when fucking down heel since then. Fuck this stupid fucking patch that literally B R E A K S T H E G A M E for a shit ton of people
Thanos-snapping-his goddamn fingers had more thought behind it than releasing this stupid fucking patch. This is also apparently patch number 2. Why is this number 2? Because the original patch they released broke the entire game for EVERYONE and after getting a hold of the guy running this game or likes to apparently vanish for stupid amount of time leaving no one else able to manage the game, he released this patch.
That fixed it for SOME people. Not everyone. Enjoy the randomization if it will work for you.

I don't know why it isn't working for me. There is feasible reason it shouldn't be working for me. I tried everything imaginable, I did everything everyone told me to try bar like two things. But it just won't work. Why the hell won't this game work? why are other people installing it a-ok right off the bat and not issues but it won't even run for me? I never fixed the libstd++-6.dll issue. My computer never was able to read that file. I tried about 7 different things, none of which did anything.
My laptop has no issues running this game I don't know why this computer can't even run it. I did eventually get it to open the open by splicing the old and new folders together.
issue? no colors. no markings. no items. won't register any markings. I sure enjoy playing a solid white black.

Even my laptop has weird issues running it. I can get colors and markings but the items don't work proper(sword the wolf is supposed to have in her mouth is floating at her left shoulder) and manes don't show up with color(my lion with a neon pink mane, its mane is black despite registering as pink in the color scroll).

The guy running this fucking game hasn't been on since August 03, 2020. So we have no word for him or if he even plans on releasing another, hopefully working .exe file.

Smh I am fed the fuck up. I feel like I have tried everything and nothing works. I'm not built for PC shit or troubleshooting, it doesn't fill me with a sense of interest and wanting to solve shit it makes me absolutely livid and frustrated when I can't get anything to work. I wanted to play FH's again this year now that I finally got the perfect computer but it seems down to the bullshit mods god awful fucking patch I won't be able to. Way to ruin a fucking game, man. They should've just left it. Every time they try to improve something they make it worst.

It don't think its ever going to run on this computer and I should probably just give up on ever playing it again. I'm tired of attempting to get it to work every night for a week or more now with no results. I clearly should just go find something else to do with myself artistically than sitting around wanking off this broken fucking game.

Fuck everything, man.

I'm at my wits end with this. I've been asking everywhere and everyone and I still have not managed to get anywhere. I've been told this game is popular with furries, so I'd thought I'd ask here in the off chance some intelligent computer wiz could help me. Figured the only way I might actually end up getting help is offering some kind of art incentive.
And if I know anyone who can pull through for me at the offer of free art its furries who like porn. B)

Case in point: I'm offering a fully detailed image with BG, two characters. SFW or NSFW(depending on your choosing). My rules and terms of service still apply, for anyone who can get Feral Hearts working on my computer.

If you don't know what Feral Hearts is you should probably just click off this journal. Not because I don't think you're not intelligent enough to help me, (I frankly think there are some intelligent people on this website that would be able to help me even without knowing what this is) but if you have 0% knowledge of what Feral Hearts is or how it works you probably won't be able to help me.
I'm going to describe the errors I am experiencing with this game so if you don't know anything about it it will make literally 0 sense to you.

It will be like someone expecting you to speak perfect Dothraki because you know what Game of Thrones is.
I don't think you will know how to help me if you haven't played FH or have some knowledge of it.
I don't know how to describe what the errors I am having mean.
I have been playing it since I was 9 so I just know certain files do certain things. If you have a friend who knows what FH's is they might be able to clue you in if you feel inclined enough.

>Also, if you've come here solely to tell me to upgrade to a windows 10, kindly please fuck off. It seems like every time I mention I have a computer problem some jackweed shows up for the sole reason to tell me to update to a windows 10, even when I state I do not want too. I hate windows 10 and won't use them. If you came here for this, kindly please get off your windows 10 dick-throne and piss off. Thank you, captain useless for your ever so helpful "well you should upgrade" comment. You have improved my life SOOO much and fixed all my issues. If I wanted to upgrade to a 10 I would've already done that. "I'm having issues on my perfect condition windows 7" doesn't mean "please come condescendingly talk to us lower peasants. I'll wait for your response, because I assume your windows 10 is still updating again.


***In case anyone WANTS to try with no knowledge, here's the basic run-down of what FH IS****

Feral Hearts is a online role playing game. Its popular with furries, according to furries. You make a wolf or a llion and RP. The end. That's all you need to know.
Here is the website-https://feral-heart.com/
Here is the help forums-https://feral-heart.com/smf/index.php?board=24.0
If you want to see footage of it just type in Feral Hearts on YouTube, if it matters to you.

*** THIS PART IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE SENSE IF YOU HAVE PLAYED FH.***
I haven't played FH since 2019, way before my computer crashed. They made(another) shitty update in that time. This update breaks the entire fucking game. I seem to be the only one experiencing these issues with it and no one knows how to help me. I have done literally everything the mods and other players have told me to do on the forums with no success. I have never installed it on this new computer before, so anything about "remnants of the old game" is bullshit and doesn't apply.

I installed it directly from the website, using these exact instructions in this video-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zto.....bhf9E4lQRY-4AT

But it won't work.
Whenever I attempt to open Feral Hearts it just turns white, says Feral Hearts not responding and shuts off. That is it. It does nothing else. There are no errors, there are no prompts, there are no missing files, there is nothing. That is ALL it does. I have literally found not a single soul with this exact issues.

People have told me its possibly this computer.
No. No it is not. I tried it on my working laptop. It does not work either. Feral Hearts is compatible with a fucking Vista so this makes no sense.

Here's a video of what it is doing-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNG.....UAU9E4v6hpnRNB
Here's a screenshot of it not responding-
Here's a screenshot of my FH folder to see if anything is missing.

There exist no FH.LOG file to tell me what is wrong.
This is a fresh, vanilla install. I have not modded it. It has no been on this computer before. I already uninstalled it and reinstalled it completely. I have tried moving it out of programs.
It does NOTHING.

I fully believe there is something wrong with the 1.17 patch file. Swapping various files from a old FH folder will allow it to turn on and run, but I cannot play because "download 1.17 patch at Feral Hearts.com".
Put patch in > does not turn on or crashes.
There has to be something causing it to not respond and crash. But I don't know what and neither do the people running this game, apparently. I love Feral Hearts, but as a game its a trash heap. It's always broken or constantly not responding or going off the air usually because some stupid shit the mods do. They keep adding patches and "fixes" but never fix real issues with the game and break it further.

That is all I have to say, if anyone knows anything and any way to help me feel free to comment. I fully believe someone on this website is more intelligent and capable of figuring this out than anyone on Fh.com ;/

AS I said free art to the user who figures out how to help me.

Should've posted this yesterday but I had been up for over 12hrs and went to sleep hah
Wanted to post this formally...


My computer is fixed! I got it back, yay!: D
Turns out nothing was wrong with it.:/ the cable was fried. According to the PC guy a power outage actually breaking a cable is "one in a million" so I guess I got the shit end of luck on that.
Hundreds of dollars and time and worry and stress later...

Beh

Wanted to try and properly thank people individually who helped me out this month, couldn't have done it without you people<3 You literally funded everything lol

:iconLegacy9412 : Generously commissioned me for a $75 commission! This paid for the entire power supply I needed(it wasn't turning on several times)
Unfortunately the majority rest of the $75 went into bank fines I wasn't aware were incurring when you don't pay them fast enough.:/

Speaking of which did you fine people know if you don't pay a bank fine by a certain time, sometimes within 1-3 days they will re-attempt the charge and then charge you a second time?
That's where half my money went. Fuck my life. I had no idea how banks work.:/ I guess I do now. I didn't know what was happening or what I was looking at.

 temppora Bought a YCH for $67

 TrainerAQ Paid me $50 for a YCH
These two payments unfortunately majoritively went to fucking bank fines. Though they technically paid for a huge chunk of the money that went to the motherboard(that turns out I didn't need and got fined for going exactly 3.00 in the negative)

 Beasius generously commissioned me for $100 commissions! Haven't got paid that much for a full commission before, thank you so much!<3
they funded the expected $100 on repairs, but ended up being $85. Like the other money some of this went to bank fines :/ shet

And these people who bought the $20/25 priced smaller YCHS, which helped with the smaller bank fines LOL
 karmadragon Onyx MetroidBob Lucky_fuzz_butt Vlads
and  Kaeryn who's payment gave me enough to pay off my friends $28 who originally gave me money for the power supply before Ebay decided it didn't go through fast enough, resulting in the beginning of the fines...
agh
 KettuTheFox and Kaeryn purchased the last slots on the YCHS, Kettu's money will probably go to buying the new cable if this one doesn't work out currently.:P

On another note I actually have enough money left over to buy some posters I wanted! Sweet :) I finally got that Chainsaw Massacre poster I wanted,

Thanks for everything everyone did, not limited to the peeps who offered me kind words and computer advice when I bugged them constantly about it.
I still have a lot of work to do, I have to get back to commissions and have even more to work on:( I know there are some people wanting WIPS I need to go find and send...


thank you for everything!