So, a couple weeks ago I journal'ed about taking in an abandoned cat. In the meantime, he was transferred to another foster to finish up vet stuff. And now, he's been adopted! So some good news today :)

Guuuuhhh...

So, I'm on pretty select meds to help suppress some of my condition (deafening screech in left ear, sensation of falling to the left, no orientation up/down/etc). When I'm on my meds, and relaxed enough around the apartment, I can do things like take care of myself. When I'm not, though, I start to get scruffy and smelly (I can't take the noise of the shower or electric razor, and don't want to fall in a shower).

Ah, so why do I go off my meds? Well. I currently receive SS Disability. Which is separate from Medicaid/medicare. So the Medicaid looks at my income (my disability), and goes, "OH! You're making a bit more than allowed for the program." -_- BUT, I don't get enough from dis for any medical insurance. And the budget rx plan sometimes runs out, and I go a few weeks without.

When one of the meds is $135/wk, there's not much to do but curl up and hope you don't alienate too many people with how curt you are (cause everything that you hear causes intense pain and you wish they'd just stop talking!) The near total lack of sleep doesn't help much either.

Sigh. Still around, just sometimes wish I wasn't.

I just took in the, jeez, 3rd abandoned cat since I moved into these apartments. Some people, when they move from their apartments, don't move their cats. Instead, out they turn them, scared witless and alone. It's easy to tell them; they act like a child who lost their parents in the mall.
And, he's acting just like the previous two. PUrrrpurrrprrrrpprrrpuuurrr and <3's, followed later by eating, followed later by sleeping for a /DAY/. He's in the guest bathroom now zzzz'ing. I'd like to take him by the vets to make sure he's ok, but that'll have to wait till Monday, when I can get him to family for vet'ting and adopting. Funds aren't as they used to be.
At least now I can sit through through those /super/ depressing SPCA adds guilt free for at least half a year :D
(And extra thanks to Nesil for putting up with all this ^_^ :)

Wow, another FC? That's amazing.

I remember my first only-furry con (used to be furry was a side-track to many cons (Duckcon anyone?), crazy as that sounds). CFE2. I wasn't even drinking age then! Or barely an artist!

Was it AC 2 that shared half a hotel with a wedding reception? That was priceless.

What was your first con, or con of interest? It's the new year and a new con--let's reflect a bit before rushing through yet another year.

Something I can talk about.. tv! :D

The Simpsons is actually good again; I know, shocking! But the current gen of writers seems different, and has made me a fan again.

The MacFarlane family of shows, sadly, has tanked. It'd been coming for awhile, but this season has really been unwatchable. Family Guy has been the worst--it seems to me that it's gone Allen Alda, all preachy while forgetting the funny. American Dad has a little something left, but that's it :/

Good thing we have Archer. Or, well, we'll have new later. That three parter ruled :D And Cartoon's Network Adult swim gets me tuning in. Allen Gregory is just bad. I mean, the insults are good, but the characters make it hard to watch.

And as for video games, lately it's just been Skyrim ^_^

It's been forever since I've updated on my condition, so I figure I'll make some notes here and there. I just need to .. talk it out, I guess. Thanks in advance ^_^

To reduce the vertigo/dizziness I feel through the day, I have to refrain from sudden or repetitive movement of my head. It's so weird to talk to people without nodding/shaking my head--but, it keeps that feeling of wanting to fall over lessened, so I'm getting used to it.

And speaking of talking to people.. the hearing in my right ear is fine, but half of what I hear is gibberish. It's not that I /don't/ hear someone, they just sound wonky 8| I get by on contextual clues (often why I pause while speaking to people, as I'm trying to figure out what I just heard) and repetitive use of the word, "what". It makes conversation in public spaces next to impossible (especially when I can't gesture freely, and /know/ I'll fall if I try).

In better news, my folks got me a Horizion ex-59. I had been trying different forms of exercise to frustrating results.. my condition is painful enough baseline, but weights or chin-ups, sit-ups.. I just hit a pain I couldn't push myself past. But this elliptical doesn't move the head much at all :D and is smooth, aerobic exercise, so on good days I can get some time :)

...yeah, stuff like that has been my last two years, so it's really the only thing I have to journal about, which is why I haven't been journaling. Grats if you've gotten this far :D

The last few months I've been improving quite a bit. It took.. well, almost two years now, so that probably says enough. For those that've read the Sword of Truth series, it's kinda like Richard and the aegial (not near as bad of course, but 's all I got ^_^ ). But I really had to learn to remove myself from the maelstrom in my head. It's slow going, but it is going, so yay and such!
Luvs to alla yalls. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_death

Oh Other Countries, you is funnies!

In Progress:
Magic: The Gathering - Duels of the Planeswalkers 2012 (PC/Steam)
Pokemon, White* (DSi)

In Queue:
Monster Hunter Tri (Wii)
Dungeon Siege III** (PC/Steam)

Watching***:
Ratchet & Clank: Crack in Time (PS3)

Wanting:
Zelda: Orcania of Time#
Starfox 3DS#
Might and Magic Heros VI (PC/Steam)


*color chosen cause it sports a strong Nubian Pokemon ;9
**Unlockunlockunlockunlock
***I like to watch Nesil play ^_^
#but lacking needed 3DS!

As per my image submission, I'm releasing my CD collection to public domain via torrents.

I had wanted to do this for about a year, but had been reluctant to as I didn't want the people that had paid for them to be pissed off. However, after consulting from many sources, from Rabbit Valley (bless 'em!) to career-long clients and/or friends, I finally did. I'm really relieved no-one's really upset about it ^_^

So, for reiteration, the original torrent links are:

http://tursilion.com/tor/FoxxFire%2.....5-2000.torrent
http://tursilion.com/tor/FoxxFire%2.....0-2002.torrent
http://tursilion.com/tor/FoxxFire%2.....ad%201.torrent
http://tursilion.com/tor/FoxxFire%2.....ad%202.torrent
http://tursilion.com/tor/FoxxFire%2.....ad%203.torrent
http://tursilion.com/tor/FoxxFire%2.....ad%204.torrent

Thanks to Tursi for the original links, and for Techwolf and others for super-seeding it (hahHAH! Super seeding. There's a pic there somewhere)

And I'd rather share these links--if you have spare money, buy something from another awesome furry artist who's relying on it :) But if you'd like to throw a little extra my way, you can send via PayPal through my mate Nesil at nesilr at gmail dot com. Thanks! :)

So today's the one year mark of when I collapsed to the floor of our apartment, when several senses just went 'pop' and stuck me in this continuous, concussion-like state.

One year, just.. gone.

But, now that disability payments have started coming, food stamps applied for and received, the edgy financial state we were in has settled, and there's no more stress on that end.

As such, I've finally been able to relax some, and starting to re-enjoy things despite the constant overlay of suck. I never would have been able to make it through this far without Nesil, and the support of family and friends. They were what I definitely gave thanks for this year. I made it through the roughest part with their help; the rest should all be uphill :)

Take care, and happy holidays (take your pick! I'll have mine over-easy)!

--for people catching up.

Dec 3, 09, after coming home from work, I started to feel strange, with my ears plugging up and ringing. I came in, sat down for awhile...then suddenly went "Argh," and fell onto the floor. Nesil helped me up from the floor and to the bed, where I lay for half an hour unable to move, and /feeling/ things breaking in my brain.

I don't have the medical vocabulary to cover everything it did in my head, but it's easier to just say I had a neural stroke.

Ever been hit in the head by a baseball bat so hard that the next thing you know you're on the ground, ears ringing, not sure if you can stand, vaguely aware of what's going around you? Now, hit 'pause' and keep it there. It's messed up things from hearing to speech to eye tracking.

My left ear went completely deaf, to be replaced by something that sounds like an apartment fire alarm that's on 24/7. Both inner ear balance centers register no function at all. Other stuff I don't have the vocab for.

It took me three months until I could steady my eyes long enough to be able to read. I still sometimes have problems. I also heard my own voice when I talked for that long, and sometimes still do.

It's not safe for me to drive. The last time I was out of the apartment was this last Aug 13th.

I can't play FPS, platformers, fighters, shooters and the like for games. Pretty much just RPG and strategy.

I've gained weight, as I haven't been able to find a way to work out for very long before starting to slip into an incoherent state.

There's more, but I've probably said enough. I know some people are just now catching up, and some that don't know what this is really doing to me...

But, I'm trying. I'm using FA to get back in touch and as a social lifeline, and whereas I don't know if I'll really be able to art again, it's pleasant for me to reminisce.

At least I was granted disability insurance through my Social Security, so I do have some income now, even if it's half of what I was making. Not as much stress in paying the bills now ^_^

Thank you to all the well wishers; it's been helping perk my mood ^_^

To everyone--have Fun, do That Thing you've been putting off, and Be Good to each other. Everything else is fluff :)

So, last month I was approved for government disability. Very mixed feeling. I don't /want/ to be disabled, and this is like a full financial admission of such. But, we really really really need it. So that's good.

I still have on and off months (or days). Some days I'm around doing some light cleaning and such around the apartment, and others I just curl up and sit, as I can't process anything coming in. I HATE that this is impacting my cognitive functions, not just the balance/hearing loss.

There's still stuff I need to mail about to people, but I haven't driven since...March? April? I need to get a list of what I owe folk and see how I can make it right, as I'm not sure if I'll be returning to the art scene (even scanning photos.. after awhile the concentration I put in it makes my head feel like it's in a sonic vibrator and I have to stop and rest).

This condition, on top of all the meds I'm on to help deal with the symptoms, has also left me.. feeling like I've been to the vets and 'fixed'. Practically no urges, and sort of a general detachment to things physical. For me, that's.. that's huge.

Much more to go on about, but eh.

Anyhow. Still alive. Got disability. Still relearning to live.

And now, back to...

I'm back in from a balance clinic in Athens (as opposed to just hearing). It's kind of weird; just a few weeks ago the doctor had finished her dissertation on similar symptoms, and had heard from everyone that no-one ever sees those cases pop up--and bam, there I am.

It turns out that I lost balance in /both/ ears, not just the left. That's why I've been dizzy for so long. With one good ear, the brain can remap itself to that. However, there is no good ear for it to calibrate to. She's going to hit some books and call some colleagues, as she had (too many) "Oh, wow" moments in the exam. But I learned two new names, 'bilateral vestibulopathy', and 'neural labrynthises' (no idea if my spelling is in the ballpark ;) There were lots of other neat sounds words involved, but as they were being thrown around while I was in testing not many stuck.

I'm going to start going to two different physical clinics, one for the tinnitus, and one for the balance. Good this is, there are some close ones in the Atlanta area I can have people drive me to (driving is /right/ out the window, especially after this exam).

Blaaaaaaah. Stop this ride, I wanna get off.

So hey, more fun stuff! My appendix ruptured Tuesday night. Nesil took me to the ER 2am Wed morning. Just got back home Thursday afternoon. Today the doc ripped off the old bandages and shunts and sent me back home.

Fuck all this.

Slight improvements. I started on another med that helps get the symptoms under control. Ever taken a really hard hit to the head, and had it ringing and spinning so that you were totally stunned? This is a lot like that, but it's not as bad now.

The 2nd ENT I saw gave my problem the name "labyrinthitis". Looking it up, it explained a lot of my emotional and physical condition much better, and helped me understand what was going on. There's possibility of all senses coming back, but it seems to be told to me in much the same tone as someone going "Well, you could win the multimillion lottery jackpot if you keep playing.."

I've gotten a phone call from work, with a letter of pseudo-severance. I'm so glad that I have Nesil and my family to help me through this all. On the other paw, I feel like a useless drain, as I'm still very limited in my activities. I can't draw yet (for those who get motion sickness, think of it as trying to read while in the backseat), but I can make short car trips for some groceries and my rx's.

I'll keep on keeping on--there are still folk I wanna see again, and places I want to revisit.

Take care guys.

I saw another ears/nose/throat specialist today (one to whom the MD in my family knew from school, so, pretty damn good).

It's not Menier's disease (that's a largly dormant virus that presents 1-2 of my symtoms for 1-3 days 1-4 times a year). I forget the name he gave it (and I'm settled in nicely right now and don't wanna look for it right this minute), but it is crazy rare. If Meniers' is a car-crash, this is a cargo freighter train wreck.

I could have exploratory surgery done to try to see under the hood, figure out if there was a rupture or some-such. Though it's not a problem in my case, there is the possibly of the procedure causing hearing loss. And even if they found something, "maybe fixing it" is a less accurate phrase than "not a chance". With the high risk and low probability of results, I'm not exploring that just yet. New stuff's being found every day, so I'll leave the hardware intact and see if there's a better firmware update down the road.

I'm going to file for disability, but GA's the worst state in the nation to receive that in a timely fashion (average time from submission to acceptance is three years here). The MD in my family has had people die while waiting for it (Claims: "Dr.so-and-so, disability has been approved for your patient." Dr: "That's great. Only he's been dead for two weeks now.").

Guh. Maybe I'll be the first person to write a song whose only word is 'fuck'. It would be fantastic to sing along with that right now.

Thanks for support/sympathy/commiseration. I had no idea so many furs have ear problems, and it's nice to see that a normal life can be achieved.

Till then, though, I'm probably going off radar again for awhile. Dunno if/when I'll be back, but I'll always be working on that goal. Miss you all.

So long. And thanks for all the fish.

So, the time came that I was expecting. They're going to have to bring someone else to do one part of my job (one part that only I did; everything else was assisting other departments with tech issues).

However, they're keeping me on company insurance through March, and I have an open door if/when I can come back to work.

I'm currently working on lining up a second opinion with a specialist to see if he might catch something the other didn't, or maybe know of another treatment.

In the meantime, I'm doing things here and there to try to adjust (though when I'm on a Xanax RX and don't notice the symptoms as much, I still have them, and still work not to trip while walking). Read for a bit, browse for a bit, watch tv a bit, work on some adobe photo touch-ups (and now I'm starting to be able to play some games on short stints).

One thing I haven't tried yet is drawing. I'm terrified that I can't, and I couldn't take that much more right now. So, I'm trying to get to functionally normally before I give that a crack.

And yet galaxly cluster HCG87 could give less than a gluon about the whole matter (Cluster HCG 87 is a dick). Seems like it's the better perspective to take on the matter. Guess I'll ignore it all while I curl up in my den, licking my wounds.

Thanks for all the support. Dunno that I'm worth it, but thanks nonetheless :)

So...it would seem I am hosed. At this point, with what I've been presenting, there's nothing else to do. Treatments for what I have are for low-level presentation of single symptoms (and each of those is still just so-so and often temp) -- there's nothing for this shotgun blast to the head I've gotten.

I'm setting short goals currently for adjustment. I'm up to 30min-1hr of reading, about 30min in Photoshop, 30 min household stuff, before I have to take a break. But, right now, that's all I can do.

However, that'll leave me gainfully unemployeed after a bit, I guess. Not that I'm bringing anything in at the moment (what with not going in to work and all), and can't focus enough yet for arts.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I can't even play that new Mario for the Wii, as shaking the controller for the propeller helmet jars my head too much D:

Sigh.

...I'm bringing nunchucks."

Wow, this sucks.

As some know, early last month I came down with what seems to be a Meniere's disease in the 1% of severity percentile. In the space of half an hour I went from full hearing to hell. The hearing in my left ear is totally gone, along with what seems to be all inner ear activity. Hang an acute case of ringing in the ear (50%+ of whatever my right ear is hearing at the time), and it's been...well...taxing.

Without a solid decade of college and con inebriation, I don't think I'd currently know how to walk. Being in a car is like blowing a 0.2% BAC while putting in a full day at Six Flags. Every extra audio source brought in by my right ear geometrically increases the ringing in the left ear.

MRI's have shown nothing, which is good news/bad news (good that there's no tumor or something, but bad in that there's nothing readably solvable). My next appointment with my Ears/Nose/Throat specialist is this Thursday, and really the best I can hope for at this point is finding meds/treatments to get these symptoms under control.

Cabin fever is driving me nutty and to despair. I'm stuck as it's dangerous driving, but it's hard to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes before I'm totally distracted by the ringing. Nesil's been behind me, and I know this has been hard on him too.

This post is mostly explaining my most recent drop-off and total lack of response lately. I'm sorry, but please forgive me, it's been rough.

Take care out there guys--it's a fucked up world.

This is just the worst.

10 days ago, I fell onto the floor from a sudden attack of vertigo and pressure in my left ear.

Since then, I haven't been able to hear /anything/ from my left ear, aside from a loud constant ringing in it. A patch behind my ear is helping with the dizziness.

I can only hope I can make it to work again Monday, with my followup ear/nose/throat doctor on Tuesday.

And this, after I had just started to get things back together in years.

I'm just so glad I have Nesil around; I wouldn't have made it this far through this month without.

That month kicked my ass -_-

I still have to mail off my auctions, get to my commissions, and reroute life back on track.

I really envy all the artists that can stay productive and live life at the same time :/ Not that I begrudge them! Keep it up ye paragons of furry! :D

I'm posting a bunch of sketched works up on FurBuy under the username "FoxxFire2001". My current auctions are up at:

http://www.furbuy.com/seller/FoxxFire2001.html

As some know, the recession's hit my place of work pretty hard, and I'm not getting many hours in. So I'm using the extra time to try to work myself back into furry work, pursuing both erotic and hopefully some more exploriatory arts later on.

I'm going through the closet and selling some stuff off so that we can afford things like, oh, staying on-line *^_^* Good wishes will be just as good if ya can't pick these up :)

Found myself back online finally. Catching up on submissions.. down from 18k last week to 13k now :D

Yeah, I dunno. I find myself continually removed from what used to be. I'm not sure what's up, but I just find less interest in... I dunno. Almost everything. Can't remember the last time I've been 'online'.

Just a sort of shout out to folk to let people know I'm still alive. Just not doing much.