Deleted the last journal because Jesus Christ my brain was in a terrible spot.
Still, I stand by a lot of it.

Right now, I'm still questioning if I do a shit ton of self-sabotage.
The most recent example honestly would be the birthday. In the weeks leading up to it my brain was in an absolutely terrible spot about it, since the last few birthdays were increasingly worse and isolated. I got to where I resolved myself to not announce it; thought being those who knew or cared would press to find out when.
Lo behold, the birthday this past Monday was even more isolating and my mental state further deteriorated until I eventually boiled over per my standards and I started culling. Although my thoughts about culling are likely that I should've elsewhen, I don't think it was fair to do so then.

I know I'm not the most secure person, but it's really a struggle to not be when the people around you have said shit and done shit that aggravates it. Most of it comes down to feeling like I'll become irrelevant to people if I don't constantly have to remind them that I exist, be it posting hot art, or constantly shoving myself in the DMs for others. It's why in the past I've espoused intense frustration with feeling like I've always had to be the one to initiate any sort of group things that explicitly involved myself; those tend to be overwhelming biased towards me as the initiator.

The basic reality of how I feel is that I have a small friend circle, but not really any sense of community, and attempting to nurture one is fruitless.
Speaking of communities (and really, subcultures), as much as I want to, I'm still kinda put off from posting kink content. I just have too much ire toward both in different ways. Towards one, I'm absolutely disgusted with how one handled a particular situation that became ugly from the shitty optics that seeking safety under the pretense of it being drama. Towards the other, being owed a thing from someone years and the frustrations that come from consistently publicly overpromising and underdelivering in spite of a situation just has me irate. Towards both, I just don't really have much sense of community regardless; I just kinda felt here, never worth celebrating, and what and how I like things makes me a perpetual outsider. Outside of that, I just really struggle to actually "vibe" with people, which further hurts my sense of community. Which is tough, but years of feeling like you never really sustainably found your people does that. Also makes me bitter, which is very much a constant fight. IDK what to do about it.

Bleh. That's it.

Life's kinda fucking stagnant and brain has been subpar to me on many fronts.

Also I've fallen off terribly so there's that.

Where do.

The site formerly known as Twitter sucks and I kinda want to show the shit I can squeeze with the little motivation I have, cause oh boy I have sketch/doodle ideas

X. That's it. That's the opening paragraph.

First of all, don't take this as some sort of triumphant return. I haven't been drawing much lately, part because time and partly because it's become a miserable-feeling experience,, in the most tactile of senses. I also actually work fulltime now, so there's that, though truthfully drawing and posting being the worst slog does it more to pretty much fall into the shadows of whatever artistic community exists.

What working fulltime does mean though is that it's probably time to really fucking put up when it comes to actually maintaining contact with people tho. The less said about that, though i acknowledge myself as having not been great there.

Socially has kinda been an event. Been feeling pretty much burned in some way since idk, June, maybe April? Started in February if we're being honest, and I won't spill the details, but it does have me feeling frustrated in honestly, a lot of people, one way or another.

Still fighting that ever-chronic feeling of alienation from near enough everything I like, that feeling that I absolutely cannot relate to the people of the communities I theoretically should be a part of, and that feeling that beyond visual art, I don't offer much to the point where I pretty much will disappear from the consciousness of others should I stop actively and aggressively reminding people of my own existence.
It's whatever. Y'all know how it is. Doesn't help with how some people do and will post to that effect.

Don't ask me about commissions. They're not happening again. The whole prospect of it just frustrates me now.


Eh, least there's a positive soon. Hopefully. Something about seeing   thatbluepup soon in the flesh. So there's that. Trust me, I'm more excited than my written tone might indicated.

idk

This is one of the years of time

For real though, this entire last has had a couple of things happen, generally positive, but not exactly great.

On the positive side of things, I finally graduated with a degree.
Also for those who aren't that astute to things (granted it's more visible on Twitter), I'm currently dating thatbluepup /@pinkierawr and have been for about three-ish months.

On the neutral side, I am still looking for either engineering or CAD technician work. Still in progress, got to one second interview but it's not one i'm particularly excited about. Granted, job market here is a bit sucky and outside my interests, so that's fun.

Speaking of technical employment, and this is where I start transitioning more into the negative, I had been trying to do part time gig courier work, which has completely fallen to shit lately. Like, oh my god. When do I ever come home before dark on a Friday. Yeah, market's dead, which is incredible considering where I live and what i'm proximate to. Eh, DoorDash is a shit company and although I'm past that time now, I was hoping only to be in it for about six months, hopefully having landed something by the end of the month. Don't expect me to even reconsider something like comms; I still have minimal faith there being honest.


Oh yeah, birthday part. 26 now. Oh no.
Like, actually, oh no.
IRL's been a bit testy, with being this old coming with the caveat that I lapse out of my mother's insurance at the end of this month. Can't get proper engineering work with benefits soon enough. Not that it mattered with mother being laid off while on medical leave. Yeah :/ Not the worst situation, and there's nothing particularly dire about it, but not great. Hmph.

Outside of that, still trying to build myself up more. It's something ig. Socially feels like a fuck (furry truthfully fucking sucks for me there), and as much as I try to mitigate some of my defensive and asocial tendencies, they exist for a reason. Something about resource management. IDK. I kinda want to find community again in some interests, but like I said, asocial tendencies. Still trying to also build up my professional skillset and although i've been putting out a few more things artwise than i thought i would or probably should be, it's still on the backburner.

What do I want from this year though? A job, and to save so hopefully by the end of next year I have a strong enough resume so I can take the risk of applying to jobs elsewhere and eventually be able to rent a place with Sugar where we can be more ourselves, really. It's not a lot but it's something. There's also thoughts about wanting the feeling of at least some influence/notoriety regarding certain kinks (it's gum what else), but that should take a backburner to the first. Still, would be nice.

Anyhow, jackal out until I feel like posting again.

Don't

And if you do, make sure at the bare fucking minimum it amounts to at least 2.06 times that of local minimum wage for the time you deal with the specific art. Maybe 1.65 if you remember to fuck around with QBI. 1099s and shit.

And if someone says you're too expensive, tell them to shut the fuck up

That means you, artist open for comms.


If you make it work, so be it, but truthfully, don't expect me to ever go back to taking comms ever again. Just about every gig market is fucked.

Holy shit I came underprepared for this.

Imma be out for a couple of days wrt any potential art posting. unless i decided to keep the old laptop for art and other stuff

So after being emotionally-defeated by a GPU failure in the laptop, I decided now was the time to get a new one. Was just waiting for some funds to come in

Anyhow I finally bought it.

This will have absolutely no effect on my art posting; that's purely based on what RNGesus decides my talent will be on a day.

depression.

available only today.


besides that, onto the thing people are actually here for, i'm just chipping away at things. nothing else to report.

I'm not doing a linktree.

Anyhow, musky husky keeps doing a dumb and now what.

Everyone's doing linktrees to "stay connected" or some shit but I can't bother. I truly believe a desire to stay connected would be met with result by now. I'm results oriented. I gotta see shit down the line you know.
Anyhow, pivoting now because of some emergency...man, I'm fucking tired of responding to everything like it's a crisis.


I don't have the energy to pursue people, I've all but lost the desire to try to take commissions, and really, I'm more in it for fulfilling social relationships at this point, which by percent, Twitter was the worst for.

Nobody has really created a overwhelmingly good case for any alternatives as far as art posting goes anyhow, not that anyone seems interested in it.


All I hope is that the Twitter brain rot eventually goes away. I'm basically just keeping myself cooped up between two discord circles while dealing with college, and I do not have the drive to act like I should care beyond that.

Idk I'm craving bubbly cartoon furry gals, with a preference for ones I've not drawn before.

So for once, a list without Krystal, Rivet, and Daisy.

(update; it's 4 and I've already picked the two I was going to do)

School still kicking my ass. I'm admittedly still having a low-key breakdown about that.

Also, the core laptop bits were thankfully funded by two friends of mine. Y'all've seen one result of that and the other is eventually. Once this proposal stops kicking my ass.

Anyhow, that's all.

I'm not really open for comms at the present moment, which is a shame.

You know the deal with laptops. Because plastic, the chassis fails before the screws, leading to a whole bunch of shit.

In this case, the whole bunch of shit is the laptop screen cable is showing signs of fraying, leading to display issues. Imma need to replace the chassis, cable, and possibly the screen, which I'm going to buy JIC I need it during the repair, plus some minor parts to.

It's going to total to around 160ish once everything is applied so yeah.

I'd try some marketing thing like a formally-drawn drive or one thing, but somehow one university class is managing to kick my ass a ton. Either way, consider this a sign of intent to push with comms during my personal off days of Tuesday and Friday/Saturday. That or you know, direct suppourt.

Either way I'm going to make sure I have the parts before next Friday so I can effect repairs as soon as possible, payment be damned.

Link for the based people who feel like covering it directly: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/.....?ref_=wl_share

So the one class I need to take started.

It's a class II don't think I'll be particularly-efficient in just cause of things I know I'm weak at, not that it's going to slow down my art production much lmao.


Either way, I'm not closing comms still as it's still the only form of income I have at the moment. as I try to set myself up for actual work and I try to not bleed dry what bit i have saved.


That's all, really.

I don't feel like being verbose here

Summer was kinda a flop comm-wise, if i'm being upfront about it, especially since I've been out of work since the start of the year. So yeah, there's that. Probably cause poor marketing but it's whatever. I've never considered myself a marketable person in the slightest, and the things i find conventially-marketable do not intrigue me.

Even then I kinda have a backlogue to upload of the few things I did do for myself and for others this summer.

Anyhow I'm taking a course this fall and gonna try to graduate finally and get my shit rolling so I can do worthwhile work outside furry.

Also, this laptop is starting to feel like it's nearing its life end.

I don't really have a lot to say, really.

I'm a person that needs to make money and the art market is still largely fucked from it being generally-undervalued compared to the actual labour tied to it.

On the flipside, I've been considering doing something like $10-15 sketches/doodles so I actually have a cheaper option out there. Those who follow me on my twitter know what my sketches can be like.

That'd be the only change; my prices otherwise haven't really changed from late-2021.

TLDR I purchased an extra Huion H320M to see if the root issue was tablet or pen.


The root issue was pen.

Anyhow, I have an extra H320M that needs a PW100. Trying to figure out what to do with the old tablet and the new one as well.

But this time it ain't a talent issue. Oh boy.

Tldr tablet is sucking. Don't want to replace j for a variety of reasons but here we are.

Pride.

Also, I'm open to taking comms.


I don't have anything special lined up.

Oh hey I can finally rent a car on my own.


Also birthday

*flops*

Uni and figuring out my fucking body. That's it.


Also been sucking shit at art.

Also sucking bigger shit at uploading here [i]but who even likes to upload here in the first place. it's why so many people have PostyBird or similar[i].

Also my physical condition keeps oscilating. Chronic sore throat and head chills+aches really do kill the drive. Yes, I've been testing and all that, yes it's all negative, and tbh I'm getting exceptionally frustrated at doctors not really being aggressive when it comes to diagnosis testing. But that's not here or now.

Anyhow that is all. I'm not dead somehow.

On the flip side it's two weeks until the birthday (5/13) so that'd be neat if it wasn't uni exam time.

Oh god I'm doing one of these.

Also, I hit 300 here so i guess y'all included too.

https://twitter.com/FormulaAzureArt.....29604364554246

Oh yeah,I closed this week for comms to give myself enough bandwidth for exams.

Also, much as journals have are a shit place to announce things and age-filter things, I am doing a thing on Twitter soon. Probably should extend that here since I've lept well past the 300 follower mark here as well. You can probably guess what that thing is.
For those that can't read subtext it's a raffle.

That aside, I do plan on taking comms across Spring Break.

So it seems like the current workflow I have is giving me a good amount of free time in the short term.

With that in mind, guess who' comfy in opening for art comms again.

Yep.

This asshole.


now will there actually be a response

As the astute might observe, I am currently cloosed for commmisions.

However, I'm thinking of changing it, but only allowing a very limited basis of like a max of one per two weeks.

which i mean would be more than my average throughput if it wasn't for the reality that commers tend to bunch together.

but ye


trying to somewhat account for uni-driven food costs and possible future needs.