ahahahaAHaha I don't want to be alive right now

I don't even know W H Y

I was doing alright and right now I just feel listless and crap again like I'm not even ON my medication

I hate my doctors, I hate being me, I hate knowing that no matter how much I do to my body to make myself look the way I want I won't be able to get bottom surgery done ever without it looking like a mangled sausage and that really fucks me over like

I have to find a new place to live soon and I don't even know how to go about that, I've forgotten how to be confident and do shit like a NORMAL person I'm just a fucking waste of space who hates his own body and claws at it daily as if it'd fucking help and it WO N T

My face is so remarkably round and feminine that I'm constantly misgendered no matter how hard I try to bind, have male haircuts, walk in a male way

FUCK

I just hate being me, I want to change, I want to look like the guy I am and not some 'butch lesbian' as people think I look like, even the fucking hairdresser thinks I'm a butch lesbian

Nothing against lesbians or anything, it's just not me

I'm a guy

I'm a guy with such a shitty mental state right now

And I wish someone could help

Ugh.

Uggggggh.

There are times that I honestly sit here as apathetic as Hell and ask myself if it's really worth going on. I'm needing more commission work than ever due to paying back a fursuit partial that I was unable to work on (stress, anxieties, depression, etc) and I'm not making money. I'm barely breaking even. So most of my time now is dedicated to drawing art for other people, no games, no anything. Just one after the other, as much as I can do.

And I still need more work.

£70 out of my pocket every two weeks sounds like only a little to some folk, but I don't earn money except via the small amount of commissions I get. I'm jobless, on a sickness allowance, and I've not been able to drag my sorry self to the doctors for about two weeks now, so I'm gonna end up being put back on the lower medication again so I can 'build back up'.

Which means weeks upon weeks of feeling like shit whilst drawing art for other people and having literally no time to myself.

So those who are waiting on any sort of commission from me, there's a queue, so please be patient. I'm getting through as much as I can.

I should write a journal to get rid of that awful one from seven months ago.

So!

I'm getting better, I'm on a different medication and I feel all-round better in myself. I'm in a safer place now.

So woooo!

Hopefully I'll be churning out more artwork as the days go by.

Sorry about the delay, everyone~!

Love, Gnat. x

TRIGGER WARNINGS: TALK OF SUICIDE, TRANS ISSUES, EATING DISORDERS MENTAL ABUSE. SKIP THIS SECTION AND READ FROM THE BOLD FURTHER DOWN IF ANY OF THESE TOPICS DISTURB YOU.

It's been a rough time for me recently. You don't have to read this section but it'd be appreciated, that way you'll get a grasp of what's been going on and when to expect your suit commissions. As of a month or two ago, I've been in a constant state of issue with my ex partner who has caused me quite a few problems recently. I'm unable to upload this rant onto Facebook as I'm 'friended and followed by quite a few people who are mutual friends, moreso his friends than mine.

My ex is trans, with a heck of a lot of body issues concerning his weight, etc. And I'm not going to go into them all but it was difficult to support him, and no matter how much I tried he found it difficult to see the better sides of him. As such, he became quite bitter of my 'perfect body' (and trust me, I've many issues with my own too, I just kept them quiet for the sake of not wanting to seem like I was complaining when I had it so 'good', if that makes sense?) and was outwardly volatile and snappy. Now, I'm a rather sensitive individual and having him tell me often that me being quiet or saddened (I'd also had to give up a well-loved pet recently due to him becoming aggressive over his poor eyesight, and I didn't have the knowledge or experience to care for him, so I did what was right and handed him to someone who could deal with his issues) wasn't helping him and that I was being a terrible partner. I thought that entirely unfair but I kept quiet for the sake of trying to help him feel better, trying hard still to absolve his issues in regards to his take on himself, and to help him take the first steps towards his transitioning.

Eventually, I couldn't deal with it all. He threatened suicide on more than one occasion, telling me that if he did decide to do it then I couldn't stop him. He would act proud when he'd eaten nothing but a snack soup in a mug, drive himself at the gym for much longer than he could handle with no energy, and laugh about almost blacking out on more than one occasion. I too suffered from a lack of appetite during those days, losing a stone in just over a couple of weeks due to only eating a couple of slices a bread a day. That was due to my stomach being uneasy from worrying about my then-partner, and soon my stomach began rejecting anything more, even if I tried hard.

He would be angry and abusive one moment, telling me I was neurotic and over-sensitive, and that I was being jealous and worried about nothing (I'll get to that part in a moment) and in the next breath tell me I was flawless and perfect... Eventually for my own mental health (I'm a sufferer of chronic depression and have attempted to commit myself on more than one occasion) I told him it would be better if we took time to deal with our own issues separately, as I couldn't deal with both mine and his at the same time. He flew into an angsty rage, calling me a selfish bitch and that I wanted him to die. "Break up with a suicidal person, who does that?" he ranted for over an hour, flicking between being incredibly angry and abusive to broken and weepy...

A few years ago, a friend used to do the same thing. Self-harmed, showed me the marks, would tell me it was my fault (and usually over the most minor of things, like not meeting her that morning to go to college etc) and so when my ex was telling me anything he did after that was my fault -and that I didn't care anyway- I broke down and attempted to overdose on medication.

After that, we didn't speak for a long time, and I was back on my depression medication at a high dosage, with my parents making sure I didn't do anything stupid like that again. The next time we spoke, my ex acted like we could be best of friends and that in the future there would be a chance of us getting back together. I was just relieved to know he was alright and hadn't done anything stupid...

I moved out of my parents house and into my bestie's boyfriend's house due to my parents becoming too reliant on me for money (borrowing amounts I couldn't afford, with my fursuit work) and said boyfriend told me that my ex had been cheating on me.

With eight people.

I handed him my medication as he told me the long list, and how almost everyone knew that my ex was doing it but me. Even my best friend knew, but she couldn't do anything about it. He'd broken down and told her about it but had her sworn to secrecy... But due to me and my ex breaking up, he thought it'd be fine to tell me. Of course, I'd been in love with my partner and hearing about how he had been in this 'poly relationship' behind my back brought me to break down yet again, and I contacted my ex, arguing with him about it until the early hours of the morning. I'd told him to leave me alone after that but he harassed me daily, telling me he missed me and loved me and that the eight other people were either mistakes or misinterpretations.

He called me at 8am one morning to tell me he was going to commit suicide. I tried for a couple of hours to talk him out of it, panicking and telling people I knew that lived near him to try and find him. It turns out in the end that the entire thing was a setup to try and get us to talk again, and I broke down for the third time. I couldn't handle the stressors he was putting on me, but he cheerily told me he hoped to see me at his birthday gathering a few weeks down the line. This was after he'd been 'let out' from the mental institution, which I found out later to have all been lies.

We didn't speak, he whined about it, asking me why I was ignoring him and asked why I 'acted' like I cared when I really didn't care about him, and we spoke, arguing for the final time before I blocked him on Facebook, Skype, mobile, everything I had. He then messaged my bestie's boyfriend with a snide remark of 'meh we're not friends anymore but I expected as much' after everything he did to me.

Nowadays, we don't talk, but I had to take a five day holiday recently to clear my head as I couldn't focus on suit making. I've been in and out of sickness since the stress started happening, and my eczema has come back in full force on my upper back and arms, making it difficult to work.

END OF EXPLANATION

Now for those who didn't read that, I'm sorry but this is going to seem pretty rude and dismissive. I will be unable to meet the deadlines at any time soon, as I've other work that also needs doing alongside them and I need to pull my weight in this household. I refuse to rush the suits and I will be willing to give photos of progress (despite how little there is) and any further explanations, etc. I'm sorry that I've been less than chatty but life has thrown me a few curveballs and I'm going to have to go to the doctors to increase my medication again.

SUITS AND THEIR PROGRESS:

Teko: Head is done, fur needs sewing down and clipping, earrings inserted, armsleeves need finishing, feet need building.

Kry: Furring needs doing, need to purchase shoes.

Emily: Need to build head with moving jaw, get shoes and order shoe foam.

Again, I'm so very sorry for this. And I'm sorry for my silence.

Stuff is actually majorly looking up for me now. I have a bit of a close deadline for my personal suit, but now I have a half-decent trimmer, the fur's coming up much nicer than before... Super happy.~

Things're hard right now.

There's not much more to say.

My fur finally arrived~! All the way from America... And it took a lot less time than I expected!

£35 customs charge though, owwie...

But it's soooo plush...~ I've never handled a faux fur that's this luxurious! The pile is long and the density is super thick... And don't get me started on just how soft it is.~

Now I hope I don't ruin it with my sewing...

I'm nowhere near popular enough to open commissions... At least, cheap ones.

... But am I good enough to?

Decisions, decisions...

Eek. But I'm so bad with interacting with people in regards to money...

But I need money, I'm so poor at the moment.