Finally reactivated my account and nuked every thing to just start over.

Well it has been a while since I have really said anything about how I am doing. Well last year was a ruff one, but I survived and am doing much better even though I'm in debt up to my eyebrows.
Last year had lots of doctors and tests, a period of malnutrition from not being able to eat hardly anything for a couple months, lots of meds, lots of car repairs, damage to the house, the death of a truck engine, death of a stove, and a failed apple crop. On the upside I lost a lot of weight and am able to regularly sleep through the night of the first time in a very long time. I am in a much better mental state not being sick and tired most of the time now even though I have to take a ton of pills to stay that way. At least none of them are habit forming, impairing, addictive, or anything like that.
I had to break down and borrow money to replace the roof on my house and to buy a new car. I got a new Jeep Renegade and am loving it. I also made the needed repairs to my house's foundation and seem to have stabilized it for many years to come. I had to cancel my home internet to afford debt payments to do all that but I think it is worth it.
I am still single though I do have a pet. He is more a companion and close friend then what many people think when you say "pet". We have helped each other a lot with getting over things from our pasts. I think I may be able to try a relationship again sometime soon though I still have my doubts in being able to maintain one. In truth I don't really care if I do or don't find a true life mate. I think feeling your life with friends and family will be enough if I can't manage a relationship with a partner. I'm just not going to worry about it and keep meeting new people.with an open mind.
I will end saying I miss my friends that are far off and wish I could come visit you. I am hurting for money still but hope to turn that around in the coming years. Hope ya'll are doing well and thank you for being my friend. Take care yall.

Never give someone that would do bad onto you keys to your place.

Guilt and fear are not good building blocks for a relationship.

Working through issues often goes better when you talk them out with someone.

Being fully capable of taking the abuse doesn't mean you should take it.

When preforming crazy and/or stupid stunts, always wear proper safety gear; and always where a helmet when doing them no matter how hard your head is.

Never piss-off a psychopath without a good escape plan.

#5. If someone swears if they can't have you no one can it is best to believe them and if you ever do leave them do it quickly, somewhere with witnesses as well as good escape roots, and change your locks or just move all together.

#4. If you know they have a high sex drive and yet don't seem very interested in sex they are probably getting it else where.

#3. If they are unhappy with you in some way and don't get to see them fix food and/or drink they make for you and they won't eat or drink it them selves you probably shouldn't either.

#2. If you know they are mad at you and they are being way to sweat be afraid, be very afraid.

#1. If you find yourself defending what the do to you or how they treat you all the time, and it isn't because you are into that kind of treatment, you need to leave them quickly.

I'm a Primal Daddy hear me roar and get me a beer.

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
94% Primal (Predator)
93% Non-monogamist
89% Exhibitionist
85% Switch
84% Daddy/Mommy
84% Experimentalist
84% Primal (Prey)
69% Pervert
63% Voyeur
58% Bondage Giver
58% Bondage Receiver
58% Master/Mistress
58% Sadist
50% Dominant
50% Submissive
49% Girl/Boy
49% Masochist
45% Degradation Giver
42% Brat
42% Brat Tamer
38% Slave
31% All-Rounder
25% Degradation Receiver
20% Vanilla
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=126192

I have some Redbox Movie rentals I won in the McDonald's Monopoly game I'm not going to use. If anyone uses Redbox and would like a free one let me know below and I'll note you the code. First come first serve.

Well it has been a ruff spell. Just this last two weeks: 2 cars with dead batteries, Jeep's stabilizer shock broke, Jeep's rear end nearly came apart, trouble finding parts, popped fuses, blown serge protectors, annoying engineers, rich people that think they can use politicians to get around the law, and topped off with a slide across a sheet of ice into a 6 foot deep ditch nose first today on my way to a site linked to some of said rich people and engineers that has made the already beaten front bumper and bad front alinement on the Jeep yet worse. Those are just some of the bigger troubles over those weeks. Some times life just wants to kick you in the balls to see if you can walk it off.
Also on a side note; funny how the first Valentine's Day season I have been single on in years was more weird then anything because I'd catch myself thinking about what would be good gifts with no idea who they would be for.

Oh, I still have the rooms for rent. No one seems to be interested in renting one out here in Amish country.

I'm looking at renting rooms in my house if I can find the right renters. I live out in a rural area of Indiana, but am in a town with the basics in walking distance. I have a number of rooms to rent, some furnished, some not, and one with it's own half bath. Rent plus utilities (power, water, and internet) will be between $300 and $450 a month. Rent may be reduced if the renter helps with work around the property on a regular basis.

If your interested PM me contact info.

If know someone that may be interested feel free to link them to this journal and tell them about it.

I am making good progress and have been able to brake through some walls. I've been much happier the past week. The anger with myself I've been fighting has been greatly overcome. I also have a lot less sadness. I'm very happy I'm making good progress now in healing this part of myself. I hope I keep getting better.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5129034/

She's trying to get some funds together quick. She does good work. I love what she drew for me.

The last journal (now gone that things have been ironed out) was not about anything that was said to me in yesterdays journal really. It was about stuff that came out of it I never thought would come out of something meant to help me make progress in trying to heal myself. I just need friends to be friends and help support me when I need it and have fun visiting and talking with when we can. I'm not looking for pity parties. Sorry if it came of that way and sorry if the journal earlier today hurt any ones feelings. That was dealing with stuff that was revolving around me that yesterdays journal seemed to ignite. Once again THANK YOU to all my friends new and old for being friends.

Emotional semi rant semi getting stuff of my chest so maybe I'll quit making myself cry.

Well I think I'm finally broken. The last back and forth with my former mate of 3 years may have confirmed it (don't anyone get on his case there is no reason to do so and I don't want you to, we are still friends). I would need to much time and affection from a mate to be any good in a relationship. They would likely always have to fight me becoming afraid of them for no reason and lashing out at them because of it. Not to mention the amount of anxiety and paranoia I get currently just considering thinking about relationships may never truly go away. Even the idea of friendly cuddles nearly sends me into an anxiety attack right now. If I manage to heal up past those things being crippling I'm still probably not fit to be anyone's mate. The large amount of self hate I have is probably enough to put the nail in that coffin. Have to wait and see what happens but I have little hope of ever being haply mated, so don't worry about me not being so.

I want to say thank you to all my friends that have kept me from sinking completely into a pit of darkness and have helped me get to a point I can get out again to make new friends. I will also thank my new friends for being my friend and hope this will help the ones that read it understand why I might get weird and disappear for a bit or run off from hanging out with no true reason. This kinda tells what's up with that. I'm doing good with getting back to being social after nearly completely isolating myself and becoming a real mountain wild man a few years back. If I get a little stand offish or kinda run off and disappear for a bit I will go ahead and apologize now for it. I'll be okay on this front with time I think.

To all my ex mates that still watch, I'm sorry I put yall through so much, and even if you did things that may have added to my issues. I shouldn't have allowed it to come to that. I should be able to forget them, and not show and at times reopen scars from them. I'm sorry I'm not better able to just let go of everything that has happened to me, I just live with it and forgive. Though I need to work more on forgiving myself.

I'm going to IFC up in Indy. I hope to meet some of the local furs there and to see any of yall that may be going. It is the first con I've been to in years. I'm looking forward to it. Plus there may be a meet down south of here soon I can got to. Been a long time since I made a fur meet anywhere and it is another good chance to meet local furs. Hopefully I'm on the road to not being so lonely out here.

Well have had some progress over the last half year. Got a full time job. Bought a house. Moved to a new state. On the down side I seem to be moving even more towards living a permanently lonely life. My job won't likely win me very many fans being an environmental regulator. My mate still would rather be visiting friends and making the seen then spending time with me. I have no close friends (I mean none near by) or even people I can really hang with close enough to do so more then once in a blue moon if I can scrape up the money. The loneliness and homesickness has been getting to me anytime I stop to rest so been working myself to exhaustion at times fighting it. I am making some progress there to though, seem to be coming into excepting likely mostly being alone in this house, getting to know the neighbors and my coworkers and getting settled in so the homesickness isn't as bad. Hope all yall reading are doing good and catch ya laters.

Figured I had better do an update on that matter. I got a jop as a clerk at a local golf course for the rest of the season atleast. Getting close to being done building my parents house too. Still have around 86 acres of land to fence before we get livestock started. Hope everyone is doing well. Laters.

Ok, when there is someone dear to you that seems to beable to make me feel rotten without meaning to by managing to make me feel abandond, alone, and genraly like they want you to f*** off a lot and you don't seem to be having any luck explaining this to them. Should one just make enough space between you that it will not be an issue (this may mean loss of them completely), continue sucking it up because it is just you being a nut, or start pointing it out to them even more which would likely hurt them?

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and may all yall have a very great New Year.

 PrideKingAzzy has a cool contest for free art here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2451161/

 PrideKingAzzy has a cool june contest for free art here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2361712/

Wow, I wandered across these and it just screamed a furry was involved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0&feature=related (Why does this gummy bear remind me of someone I've meet at a con before?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHsi_f99F_U&feature=related (The crabs are so cute to me for some reason.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd12hR68sWM&feature=related (This made him remind me of that guy even more. Also, why does a gummy bear have a 5 o clock shadow?)