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Posted 10 years agoHey guys.
So- going to start this off with a disclaimer. This is a semi-vent/rant journal and may or may not relate to the LAS series. Plus it has plenty of diva "starving artist" gibberish involved so be forewarned.
Well- I'm thinking of officially joining the furry fandom.
For the last 10 years I've stood behind the "I'm a zoophile, not a furry- I just enjoy the porn" excuse, and as time went on the fandom never interested me outside of that. A lurker, more or less. And times have changed since then- sure, the furries are still a running punchline both online and off, but the outside world has becomes more accommodating. You actually see fursuits and ears nowadays, and while they still turn heads they don't receive the same level of contempt they had a decade ago. And that contempt made me hesitant to join the fandom. It seemed harmless enough, and quite honestly the people I spoke to online back then (minus those who live in my town, let's be honest, Myspace was becoming a thing) are either zoophiles or furries. Or both, even. And today is no different.
I believed in the contempt. I mean, a grown man wearing an animal suit? Saying he's a fox? What kind of bullshit-itry is that? The animated porn kept my interest but seeing it in real life bothered me. How could this be a thing? It was like a regression, or an obsession over animated material. And I thought it was pathetic. You'd rather identify as a dragon with six-pack abs than visit the gym once in a while? You'd rather be the multi-colored wolf with a 10in penis, than accept that you're a human that's not 300lbs of muscle and eight feet tall? Yeah, I'll admit it- I detested furries in the beginning. And coming from somebody who was both active in 4chan as well as the people they often trolled, I was conflicted.
But let's be honest- if I truly detested the furry fandom, why am I still here after 10 years? Why do I still save pictures and still read journal updates from my favorite artists? It was fapping material then- and ok, it still is- but I've seen so much more within the community the more it emerged. And you'll still find your drama and the usual griping- 'no I don't RP' 'don't send me pointless notes' 'YCH and auction pieces are commercializing the fandom' 'only art-whores and people with money to commission get acknowledged' 'artists are jacking up their prices and playing favorites' 'this fox said something nasty to that badger'- OK, I can go on and on. We all have reservations against different parts of the fandom. Personally I'll never understand the obsession with paws, rimming, diapers, vore, and especially the hardcore furries who refer to themselves in the third person and identify as whatever species their sona is. Well, all of them do at some point, but I'm talking about the ones who SERIOUSLY get into it. There's refering to your sona as if it were another being, and then there is calling yourself that other being. But hey, to each their own.
I've seen much out of this fandom. Folks have come and gone. People have become celebrities within it. Some people work to afford commisions, and others make money for doing commissions. Artists can earn a living now, and that's not something you've ever seen before. Friendships have been made- people have found love. There's a support structure within the fandom as well as a hierarchy. All because we share at least SOMETHING in common. While I don't want to generalize, many of the furries I've spoken with have faced some major obstacle in their lives. Maybe they're shy. Or they're not 'the cool kid'. Or they have trouble making friends. Or they question their identity. Some may have functional and learning disabilities. And I've had some of my own. I was the fat kid in grade school, and the jock in high school. I've battled depression since I was in 4th grade. I tried to kill myself twice, once in middle school and once in high school. I had a mental breakdown my junior year of high school, when I was dropping acid and rotting my brain away with MDMA and opium. There was a period when I wasn't able to distinguish fact from fantasy- when I first started drinking, I got my alcohol from an older coworker. I'd become convinced he was me, ACTUALLY me, but from the future. At meals I carried my drink with me if I left the table because I KNEW somebody would spit in it. And during my senior year in high school, after a failed suicide attempt, I began making arrangements to shoot up the school and kill myself in the process. It was very real- I stumbled across old plans, plus a comic I drew during classes that depicted it. Thankfully it never occurred, but it still troubles me today. And I still struggle with mental problems, mainly depression, to this day. And it's tough when there's so few to reach out to. Family loves you so much that they'll pay to have you commited. Friends care so much that they'll buy you drinks at the bar so you'll forget about it. It's not a solution, nor do I need one.
Part of what's compelled me to join is the sense of community. We've all battled our demons in some form or another. And yeah, there are plenty of furries who live happy lives and are successful. But they're just as likely to reach out when they need to, and help out when they need to. And hell- your best friend halfway across the world has a fursona and you have a fursona and just last week you commissioned an artist to draw those two licking each other's paws while they had some sloppy buttsex. Now there's a friend you can be open to.
And before this journal gets any more pathetic- I'm not saying I feel lost or I need to belong. I'm quite active in the local theater group. In fact, there's a promising future involved. Rehearsals and performances are typically the happiest times of the week for me. Because I'm allowed to be myself while not actually being myself. And that's why I'm joining the fandom. How great is it that you can be as open and non-discreet with others when you're often forced to be the rest of the time?
ALRIGHT-
Well, as it might be a shocker, my fursona will not be a dolphin. I know, right? They're such magnificent animals and they have such little luck taking off in the fandom. There are some fursonas that are cetaceans (dolphins, orcas, porpoises) but they're relatively small compared to the scalies and foxes and wolves. And honestly, it just doesn't seem to fit me. They're great animals, why give them legs and make them wear clothes and walk upright? Again- that's just my personal opinion. I'm thinking a feral gryphon or some type of avian most likely. Then I'll have to get an F-list generated, perhaps make a few tweaks to the character. If I'm lucky, I'll stumble across a nice adoptable that hasn't already been proxy-bidded for like 200 bucks. And as for a name- good God, I have no clue how that works. My own screen-name on this account comes from the term "delphinic zoophile" (ie., someone who wants to bone a dolphin). I have NO clue.
Also, I'm still on the fence about conventions and fursuits. Fursuits, while from a fetish standpoint are sexy, seem odd to me to be in a casual setting. As for conventions, there is the one in Chicago I could feasibly make it to (hopefully without the chlorine pooling up again...erm, too soon?). But I wouldn't want to go alone, or even travel to one alone. Hell, I have a hard enough time going to the store alone. I'm not about to fly halfway across the country (or the world) in hopes that someone I've skyped with shows up on time. Plus, work being the way it is, weekends are tough to get off. But when I do create a sona, I do intend to commission certain artists. And I might create stories involving the sona, and give it a little backstory. BUT...I will remain human. The sona and I will have no connection. You might catch me refering to him as a being when describing a picture, but that's about it. And good luck getting me to say 'murrtastic' or 'pawing off'. Let's be honest- some things just never catch on.
Well, now that that's all out of the way, here's to the next ten years, I suppose. Unless of course I have a change of heart. Eh, we'll see.
So- going to start this off with a disclaimer. This is a semi-vent/rant journal and may or may not relate to the LAS series. Plus it has plenty of diva "starving artist" gibberish involved so be forewarned.
Well- I'm thinking of officially joining the furry fandom.
For the last 10 years I've stood behind the "I'm a zoophile, not a furry- I just enjoy the porn" excuse, and as time went on the fandom never interested me outside of that. A lurker, more or less. And times have changed since then- sure, the furries are still a running punchline both online and off, but the outside world has becomes more accommodating. You actually see fursuits and ears nowadays, and while they still turn heads they don't receive the same level of contempt they had a decade ago. And that contempt made me hesitant to join the fandom. It seemed harmless enough, and quite honestly the people I spoke to online back then (minus those who live in my town, let's be honest, Myspace was becoming a thing) are either zoophiles or furries. Or both, even. And today is no different.
I believed in the contempt. I mean, a grown man wearing an animal suit? Saying he's a fox? What kind of bullshit-itry is that? The animated porn kept my interest but seeing it in real life bothered me. How could this be a thing? It was like a regression, or an obsession over animated material. And I thought it was pathetic. You'd rather identify as a dragon with six-pack abs than visit the gym once in a while? You'd rather be the multi-colored wolf with a 10in penis, than accept that you're a human that's not 300lbs of muscle and eight feet tall? Yeah, I'll admit it- I detested furries in the beginning. And coming from somebody who was both active in 4chan as well as the people they often trolled, I was conflicted.
But let's be honest- if I truly detested the furry fandom, why am I still here after 10 years? Why do I still save pictures and still read journal updates from my favorite artists? It was fapping material then- and ok, it still is- but I've seen so much more within the community the more it emerged. And you'll still find your drama and the usual griping- 'no I don't RP' 'don't send me pointless notes' 'YCH and auction pieces are commercializing the fandom' 'only art-whores and people with money to commission get acknowledged' 'artists are jacking up their prices and playing favorites' 'this fox said something nasty to that badger'- OK, I can go on and on. We all have reservations against different parts of the fandom. Personally I'll never understand the obsession with paws, rimming, diapers, vore, and especially the hardcore furries who refer to themselves in the third person and identify as whatever species their sona is. Well, all of them do at some point, but I'm talking about the ones who SERIOUSLY get into it. There's refering to your sona as if it were another being, and then there is calling yourself that other being. But hey, to each their own.
I've seen much out of this fandom. Folks have come and gone. People have become celebrities within it. Some people work to afford commisions, and others make money for doing commissions. Artists can earn a living now, and that's not something you've ever seen before. Friendships have been made- people have found love. There's a support structure within the fandom as well as a hierarchy. All because we share at least SOMETHING in common. While I don't want to generalize, many of the furries I've spoken with have faced some major obstacle in their lives. Maybe they're shy. Or they're not 'the cool kid'. Or they have trouble making friends. Or they question their identity. Some may have functional and learning disabilities. And I've had some of my own. I was the fat kid in grade school, and the jock in high school. I've battled depression since I was in 4th grade. I tried to kill myself twice, once in middle school and once in high school. I had a mental breakdown my junior year of high school, when I was dropping acid and rotting my brain away with MDMA and opium. There was a period when I wasn't able to distinguish fact from fantasy- when I first started drinking, I got my alcohol from an older coworker. I'd become convinced he was me, ACTUALLY me, but from the future. At meals I carried my drink with me if I left the table because I KNEW somebody would spit in it. And during my senior year in high school, after a failed suicide attempt, I began making arrangements to shoot up the school and kill myself in the process. It was very real- I stumbled across old plans, plus a comic I drew during classes that depicted it. Thankfully it never occurred, but it still troubles me today. And I still struggle with mental problems, mainly depression, to this day. And it's tough when there's so few to reach out to. Family loves you so much that they'll pay to have you commited. Friends care so much that they'll buy you drinks at the bar so you'll forget about it. It's not a solution, nor do I need one.
Part of what's compelled me to join is the sense of community. We've all battled our demons in some form or another. And yeah, there are plenty of furries who live happy lives and are successful. But they're just as likely to reach out when they need to, and help out when they need to. And hell- your best friend halfway across the world has a fursona and you have a fursona and just last week you commissioned an artist to draw those two licking each other's paws while they had some sloppy buttsex. Now there's a friend you can be open to.
And before this journal gets any more pathetic- I'm not saying I feel lost or I need to belong. I'm quite active in the local theater group. In fact, there's a promising future involved. Rehearsals and performances are typically the happiest times of the week for me. Because I'm allowed to be myself while not actually being myself. And that's why I'm joining the fandom. How great is it that you can be as open and non-discreet with others when you're often forced to be the rest of the time?
ALRIGHT-
Well, as it might be a shocker, my fursona will not be a dolphin. I know, right? They're such magnificent animals and they have such little luck taking off in the fandom. There are some fursonas that are cetaceans (dolphins, orcas, porpoises) but they're relatively small compared to the scalies and foxes and wolves. And honestly, it just doesn't seem to fit me. They're great animals, why give them legs and make them wear clothes and walk upright? Again- that's just my personal opinion. I'm thinking a feral gryphon or some type of avian most likely. Then I'll have to get an F-list generated, perhaps make a few tweaks to the character. If I'm lucky, I'll stumble across a nice adoptable that hasn't already been proxy-bidded for like 200 bucks. And as for a name- good God, I have no clue how that works. My own screen-name on this account comes from the term "delphinic zoophile" (ie., someone who wants to bone a dolphin). I have NO clue.
Also, I'm still on the fence about conventions and fursuits. Fursuits, while from a fetish standpoint are sexy, seem odd to me to be in a casual setting. As for conventions, there is the one in Chicago I could feasibly make it to (hopefully without the chlorine pooling up again...erm, too soon?). But I wouldn't want to go alone, or even travel to one alone. Hell, I have a hard enough time going to the store alone. I'm not about to fly halfway across the country (or the world) in hopes that someone I've skyped with shows up on time. Plus, work being the way it is, weekends are tough to get off. But when I do create a sona, I do intend to commission certain artists. And I might create stories involving the sona, and give it a little backstory. BUT...I will remain human. The sona and I will have no connection. You might catch me refering to him as a being when describing a picture, but that's about it. And good luck getting me to say 'murrtastic' or 'pawing off'. Let's be honest- some things just never catch on.
Well, now that that's all out of the way, here's to the next ten years, I suppose. Unless of course I have a change of heart. Eh, we'll see.
Obligatory Update
Posted 10 years agoAlright, well-
It's been over a year since the last chapter was posted. And I'm not at all proud that "Welcome Delfin" hasn't been touched since then. I've gone back and edited what has already been written numerous times but can't seem to add anything else.
I've been struggling with mental problems, substance abuse problems, family problems and other assorted things in the time since the last chapter. While hiding has been more or less my MO this past year, I just want to clear the air a bit. Yes, I do intend to finish the story. But what's bothering me is the fact that there's nothing planned for after this chapter. I have no idea what to write for the birth of Isthia and Gregory's daughter. I have no idea how to end this story, no idea how to end it with some dignity and justice. "Welcome Delfin" may be the final chapter, but I'm conflicted in that sense. I want to include the birth of their daughter and not condemn her to be a MacGuffin in the end. But I have no name, no story, no scene planned for her. And maybe that's what is causing the lack of material. But, too- I've been troubled by many different things this past year, things that have been present throughout much of this second story. When I wrote LAS originally there were fewer distractions. While I won't say I'm busier these days, I have much more to handle and writing has taken a break. Which quite honestly, disappoints me. I tried drawing comics not too long ago and couldn't match the same caliber I had in high school. I'm rehearsing for two different plays and find I can't emote the same way as I could back then. And when I try to write, what comes out is not satisfactory.
Thank you to all of those who continue to stand by and be patient in the completion of this story. Frankly, I would've given up on me ages ago. I understand the frustration involved in awaiting the next chapter. All the emotion felt in this story or any other story I've posted- I felt it too, while writing it. If I didn't feel anything, I went back and rewrote it until I did. We're all frustrated that this hasn't been completed yet. And even though it might sound as if I want it finished so it will no longer be and obligation, that's not the whole truth. This is a very personal story, one I've put a lot into in the past- I want it to be completed so it can be enjoyed as a whole.
Anyways, I'm dealing with a high fever at the moment and feel like total hell, so I'm trying to distract myself until it passes. Felt like making a journal or some type of update. Just so everybody knows I'm still alive.
It's been over a year since the last chapter was posted. And I'm not at all proud that "Welcome Delfin" hasn't been touched since then. I've gone back and edited what has already been written numerous times but can't seem to add anything else.
I've been struggling with mental problems, substance abuse problems, family problems and other assorted things in the time since the last chapter. While hiding has been more or less my MO this past year, I just want to clear the air a bit. Yes, I do intend to finish the story. But what's bothering me is the fact that there's nothing planned for after this chapter. I have no idea what to write for the birth of Isthia and Gregory's daughter. I have no idea how to end this story, no idea how to end it with some dignity and justice. "Welcome Delfin" may be the final chapter, but I'm conflicted in that sense. I want to include the birth of their daughter and not condemn her to be a MacGuffin in the end. But I have no name, no story, no scene planned for her. And maybe that's what is causing the lack of material. But, too- I've been troubled by many different things this past year, things that have been present throughout much of this second story. When I wrote LAS originally there were fewer distractions. While I won't say I'm busier these days, I have much more to handle and writing has taken a break. Which quite honestly, disappoints me. I tried drawing comics not too long ago and couldn't match the same caliber I had in high school. I'm rehearsing for two different plays and find I can't emote the same way as I could back then. And when I try to write, what comes out is not satisfactory.
Thank you to all of those who continue to stand by and be patient in the completion of this story. Frankly, I would've given up on me ages ago. I understand the frustration involved in awaiting the next chapter. All the emotion felt in this story or any other story I've posted- I felt it too, while writing it. If I didn't feel anything, I went back and rewrote it until I did. We're all frustrated that this hasn't been completed yet. And even though it might sound as if I want it finished so it will no longer be and obligation, that's not the whole truth. This is a very personal story, one I've put a lot into in the past- I want it to be completed so it can be enjoyed as a whole.
Anyways, I'm dealing with a high fever at the moment and feel like total hell, so I'm trying to distract myself until it passes. Felt like making a journal or some type of update. Just so everybody knows I'm still alive.
Removed favs/watches
Posted 11 years agoOk guys, I get it. But it's not going to get these stories out any faster.
Really though, I don't mind being ignored. Does a bit better for my self esteem and determination than straight up hopping off. Guess all the kind words and appreciation which have in the past been a source of inspiration getting removed will really help out now.
Oh look, he's whining again. And still no new story.
Wonder if I'll lose anyone for this journal too. Whatever. Just gonna keep on truckin'.
But to those who have been patient and stuck around, thank you.
Really though, I don't mind being ignored. Does a bit better for my self esteem and determination than straight up hopping off. Guess all the kind words and appreciation which have in the past been a source of inspiration getting removed will really help out now.
Oh look, he's whining again. And still no new story.
Wonder if I'll lose anyone for this journal too. Whatever. Just gonna keep on truckin'.
But to those who have been patient and stuck around, thank you.
Now we know
Posted 11 years agoThis might actually be funny.
Posted 11 years agoHey guys.
So, before you bother asking-
"Shore Leave pt.2- Welcome Delfin" is well in the works.
But, guess what I'm stuck on?
A blowjob scene.
Yeah, I've quickly realized that sex scenes are not my forte. I didn't come into this writer business with sex scenes in mind, and certainly wouldn't have wanted to be writing sex scenes (or, ahem, MATURE scenes) this far into it.
After this scene is done, the story is more or less mapped out.
Welcome Delfin is the climax of the story.
Isthia and Gregory's daughter is just a closure piece. Up until she's born, the story is mapped out. At that moment and afterwards, it's so vanilla and calm that I often question whether or not I should include it in the story.
But then it's like- the whole story's been building up to this moment, so why back out?
Well, Lost at Sea (and even more so, LAS2-Good Tidings) have been a personal reflection.
With a few years between chapters, shouldn't the tone and writing styles be blatant at this point?
I wanted closure. And I complain a lot. And disappear a lot. And be moody a lot. But really, in hindsight I wish that this whole era had been kept private and unpublished.
You hear this all the time, but I DO want to finish the story. It's an obligation, sure, but it's also a chapter of my life I've wanted to close for years but got too cocky and wanted to resurrect. At this point, I just want to end the series so that it's gone for good. A reboot sounded so good back when it first appeared. But the story written these days is from someone who finally made it through the same loneliness, delusion, and suspension of reality that was bound to hitting that point during the first few chapters, as well as the whole first story.
I'm not denouncing anything. Going back, nothing would be changed. Even the moments I'm more or less not proud of. They were written with that current mindset and reflected changing attitudes and mentality. I loved writing "Lost at Sea". I loved writing every chapter of Good Tidings. I loved writing every story I've ever posted. But man, they were never written by the same person. Never. Even the ones produced within weeks of one another- like reliable and popular artists and authors would often do- weren't written by the same person.
Life is all about learning and changing your mood. Transforming like Gregory. When I wrote LAS it was my fantasy to leave my life and join another. And many people responded positively to that. So when it came to LAS2, Good Tidings, it was more a longing feeling. Not a longing to go back, but a longing to be there and set everything right before setting off. And really, this current chapter is NOTHING but that! It's just that I can't get past ONE. FREAKING. SCENE.
I knew the method behind making an erotic scene or appealing to the audience's best interests, but man- I really don't like erotic scenes. Even during Lost at Sea I copped out on the final climactic sex scene (IMO). I went for erotica because it felt much easier- just put someone's dick in a pussy, a dick in an asshole, or a dick in a dick (those stories do exist) and you automatically have followers.
Your support has kept me going, maybe even kept me alive. I dunno. All I know is that reading through year old comments and messages from members gets me going. When Lost At Sea was originally written I wrote from the heart. Good Tidings is all the support of members who wait patiently to see more. And it's greatly appreciated. Really :) I would've stopped long ago had it not been for support from the readers to continue.
This story will continue, and it will end. And really, if I do write more, it won't be FA material. Like I've said, I don't want to be considered an erotic novelist. Mainly because, IMO, I don't do erotic literature quite right. My mind wanders too much, I'm enslaved by formula, and erotica rarely changes from story to story.
But thank you all. You all have better patience than most do. I'll be around, I'll be practicing and writing, but can't promise a posting.
So, before you bother asking-
"Shore Leave pt.2- Welcome Delfin" is well in the works.
But, guess what I'm stuck on?
A blowjob scene.
Yeah, I've quickly realized that sex scenes are not my forte. I didn't come into this writer business with sex scenes in mind, and certainly wouldn't have wanted to be writing sex scenes (or, ahem, MATURE scenes) this far into it.
After this scene is done, the story is more or less mapped out.
Welcome Delfin is the climax of the story.
Isthia and Gregory's daughter is just a closure piece. Up until she's born, the story is mapped out. At that moment and afterwards, it's so vanilla and calm that I often question whether or not I should include it in the story.
But then it's like- the whole story's been building up to this moment, so why back out?
Well, Lost at Sea (and even more so, LAS2-Good Tidings) have been a personal reflection.
With a few years between chapters, shouldn't the tone and writing styles be blatant at this point?
I wanted closure. And I complain a lot. And disappear a lot. And be moody a lot. But really, in hindsight I wish that this whole era had been kept private and unpublished.
You hear this all the time, but I DO want to finish the story. It's an obligation, sure, but it's also a chapter of my life I've wanted to close for years but got too cocky and wanted to resurrect. At this point, I just want to end the series so that it's gone for good. A reboot sounded so good back when it first appeared. But the story written these days is from someone who finally made it through the same loneliness, delusion, and suspension of reality that was bound to hitting that point during the first few chapters, as well as the whole first story.
I'm not denouncing anything. Going back, nothing would be changed. Even the moments I'm more or less not proud of. They were written with that current mindset and reflected changing attitudes and mentality. I loved writing "Lost at Sea". I loved writing every chapter of Good Tidings. I loved writing every story I've ever posted. But man, they were never written by the same person. Never. Even the ones produced within weeks of one another- like reliable and popular artists and authors would often do- weren't written by the same person.
Life is all about learning and changing your mood. Transforming like Gregory. When I wrote LAS it was my fantasy to leave my life and join another. And many people responded positively to that. So when it came to LAS2, Good Tidings, it was more a longing feeling. Not a longing to go back, but a longing to be there and set everything right before setting off. And really, this current chapter is NOTHING but that! It's just that I can't get past ONE. FREAKING. SCENE.
I knew the method behind making an erotic scene or appealing to the audience's best interests, but man- I really don't like erotic scenes. Even during Lost at Sea I copped out on the final climactic sex scene (IMO). I went for erotica because it felt much easier- just put someone's dick in a pussy, a dick in an asshole, or a dick in a dick (those stories do exist) and you automatically have followers.
Your support has kept me going, maybe even kept me alive. I dunno. All I know is that reading through year old comments and messages from members gets me going. When Lost At Sea was originally written I wrote from the heart. Good Tidings is all the support of members who wait patiently to see more. And it's greatly appreciated. Really :) I would've stopped long ago had it not been for support from the readers to continue.
This story will continue, and it will end. And really, if I do write more, it won't be FA material. Like I've said, I don't want to be considered an erotic novelist. Mainly because, IMO, I don't do erotic literature quite right. My mind wanders too much, I'm enslaved by formula, and erotica rarely changes from story to story.
But thank you all. You all have better patience than most do. I'll be around, I'll be practicing and writing, but can't promise a posting.
Not well
Posted 11 years agoThings have just been bad here.
Just not the same as always.
Wish it could be 'method acting' exercises for the next chapter, but it just isn't. I'm never happy, never feeling well, or healthy. And although the kind words and concern amongst friends helped out substantially, it's not doing enough to make a permanent change.
I want to quit both of my jobs and check into a voluntary 90-day rehabilitation program.
Just not the same as always.
Wish it could be 'method acting' exercises for the next chapter, but it just isn't. I'm never happy, never feeling well, or healthy. And although the kind words and concern amongst friends helped out substantially, it's not doing enough to make a permanent change.
I want to quit both of my jobs and check into a voluntary 90-day rehabilitation program.
Not another one!
Posted 11 years agoAnother "New Years" journal, that is.
While I'd hoped to wrap up the year with a new chapter, work has once again interfered with writing. There hasn't been a day off for this phin since Dec.19th and there won't likely be one until the 12th of January. And all the "good money" well wishers have mentioned is already spent on paying off my medical bills, so there's little joy in that.
But, I'm trying to remain optimistic. After all, this is the best time of the year- the end of it!
Joined the YMCA with my roommates. It's not a New Years resolution, it's a desire to have something to do besides sittin around getting drunk and watching Netflix. I've signed up for Zumba, something I enjoyed in high school (and my more athletic days) while my roommates have signed up for karate and yoga.
Not that it's taking time away from writing, of course. This next chapter titled "Shore Leave" is split into two parts, and part one is about a page and a half away from completion.
See you all in 2014! And to those of you at drinking age (and the rest of you rebels), have fun and be safe. And maybe come visit me on New Years Day. I'll be working, and pancakes and sausage are natural enemies to hangovers! Trust me.
While I'd hoped to wrap up the year with a new chapter, work has once again interfered with writing. There hasn't been a day off for this phin since Dec.19th and there won't likely be one until the 12th of January. And all the "good money" well wishers have mentioned is already spent on paying off my medical bills, so there's little joy in that.
But, I'm trying to remain optimistic. After all, this is the best time of the year- the end of it!
Joined the YMCA with my roommates. It's not a New Years resolution, it's a desire to have something to do besides sittin around getting drunk and watching Netflix. I've signed up for Zumba, something I enjoyed in high school (and my more athletic days) while my roommates have signed up for karate and yoga.
Not that it's taking time away from writing, of course. This next chapter titled "Shore Leave" is split into two parts, and part one is about a page and a half away from completion.
See you all in 2014! And to those of you at drinking age (and the rest of you rebels), have fun and be safe. And maybe come visit me on New Years Day. I'll be working, and pancakes and sausage are natural enemies to hangovers! Trust me.
Happy Tanked-sgiving!
Posted 12 years agoHappy Thanksgiving to all :)
NOW comes the Xmas season...oh boy.
Had a nice trip with my dad up to our Uncle's house. Alcohol plays a big part of the holidays in my family and for the first time I got to drink. Was old enough the year before, but I was working later. This year, I got lucky- and a few Jack and Cokes in me.
As usual the little cousins wanted to watch me play Spiderman on the old PS2, which they always enjoy. Sure, it made me unable to catch up with the family for a while, but it's always funny to hear how impressed they get while I play. They say I'm a natural gamer, but I'm not. I was playing PS2 before most of them were even born. And they should see me play Call of Duty- they would NEVER call me a natural gamer again.
So after the food and second Jack and Coke I shot some pool with my older cousins and discussed local bands. Was quite fun. Apparently they're into the same stuff I am.
I feigned interest in the Green Bay/Detroit game, never was into sports. We also spotted 5 does outside near the patio. The little kids were so excited but really, they're out there all the time.
My oldest "little cousin", only about 10 years old, showed me his new iPad. What??? Nobody ever buys ME any electronics!
I would go shopping on Black Friday, but unfortunately I'm stuck at the restaurant. From 3am to 10am. So, fun.
Anyways, hope you all had a great Thanksgiving :)
New chapter should be up here shortly, been adding as much as I can. Have yet to hit a block!
NOW comes the Xmas season...oh boy.
Had a nice trip with my dad up to our Uncle's house. Alcohol plays a big part of the holidays in my family and for the first time I got to drink. Was old enough the year before, but I was working later. This year, I got lucky- and a few Jack and Cokes in me.
As usual the little cousins wanted to watch me play Spiderman on the old PS2, which they always enjoy. Sure, it made me unable to catch up with the family for a while, but it's always funny to hear how impressed they get while I play. They say I'm a natural gamer, but I'm not. I was playing PS2 before most of them were even born. And they should see me play Call of Duty- they would NEVER call me a natural gamer again.
So after the food and second Jack and Coke I shot some pool with my older cousins and discussed local bands. Was quite fun. Apparently they're into the same stuff I am.
I feigned interest in the Green Bay/Detroit game, never was into sports. We also spotted 5 does outside near the patio. The little kids were so excited but really, they're out there all the time.
My oldest "little cousin", only about 10 years old, showed me his new iPad. What??? Nobody ever buys ME any electronics!
I would go shopping on Black Friday, but unfortunately I'm stuck at the restaurant. From 3am to 10am. So, fun.
Anyways, hope you all had a great Thanksgiving :)
New chapter should be up here shortly, been adding as much as I can. Have yet to hit a block!
The bitch is back!
Posted 12 years agoHey all :)
In case you haven't gathered from the new chapters and journals, I'm now back into actively writing!
I've never really left. But since I was ready to scrap the story I was mainly lurking.
Keep in mind I'm not a furry. No RP, no fursona, nothing. I think the fandom is great and have met some cool people, but I'm just not into it.
Oh...about the pics in my favorites...ok, I like the artwork but that's it! Stories too.
Anyways, that explains why I've been lurking. I've only been coming here to get updates from my favorite artists.
Thankfully now I have something to contribute as well :)
The next chapter is going to be even longer than this one. It's the one I've been dying to write.
There's a Breaking bad reference in this next chapter as I'm grossly obsessed with that show (anyone catch the finale? I damn near cried). However, this story takes place before Breaking Bad so you may need to look for it. I couldn't have Gregory make some offhand comment about a show that wasn't out yet. Yeah, I caught myself before that faux pas. The story does take place around 2006. So that's why there's no reference to the BP oil disaster either. Let's hope they make it out in time!
So feel free to message me, either to chat or talk about the story (or Breaking Bad) as I'll be around. Just added a bunch of people and hoping to add more!
In case you haven't gathered from the new chapters and journals, I'm now back into actively writing!
I've never really left. But since I was ready to scrap the story I was mainly lurking.
Keep in mind I'm not a furry. No RP, no fursona, nothing. I think the fandom is great and have met some cool people, but I'm just not into it.
Oh...about the pics in my favorites...ok, I like the artwork but that's it! Stories too.
Anyways, that explains why I've been lurking. I've only been coming here to get updates from my favorite artists.
Thankfully now I have something to contribute as well :)
The next chapter is going to be even longer than this one. It's the one I've been dying to write.
There's a Breaking bad reference in this next chapter as I'm grossly obsessed with that show (anyone catch the finale? I damn near cried). However, this story takes place before Breaking Bad so you may need to look for it. I couldn't have Gregory make some offhand comment about a show that wasn't out yet. Yeah, I caught myself before that faux pas. The story does take place around 2006. So that's why there's no reference to the BP oil disaster either. Let's hope they make it out in time!
So feel free to message me, either to chat or talk about the story (or Breaking Bad) as I'll be around. Just added a bunch of people and hoping to add more!
Happy Halloween!
Posted 12 years agoWell, ok. I'm about 2 1/2 hours late (it's 2:38am here).
But still, happy Halloween!
Also, working well into the next chapter. Can't wait to get the next "phase" of the story. It's one I'm super excited writing about!
So here I am, enjoying some "Serial Mom" and Jack Daniels. No candy for me. I'm a big boy. My only sweet thing tonight is my chaser.
Also forgot how much I love this movie. Good lord, why bother with Friday the 13th? "Serial Mom" is the greatest slasher flick out there!
Take care, and prepare for Thanksgiving :) At least to my friends in the US.
New story should be up within the next two-three weeks. If it's not, feel free to harass me.
But still, happy Halloween!
Also, working well into the next chapter. Can't wait to get the next "phase" of the story. It's one I'm super excited writing about!
So here I am, enjoying some "Serial Mom" and Jack Daniels. No candy for me. I'm a big boy. My only sweet thing tonight is my chaser.
Also forgot how much I love this movie. Good lord, why bother with Friday the 13th? "Serial Mom" is the greatest slasher flick out there!
Take care, and prepare for Thanksgiving :) At least to my friends in the US.
New story should be up within the next two-three weeks. If it's not, feel free to harass me.
New chapter up- next one up soon!
Posted 12 years agoHola :) The most recent chapter is up and the next one is nearing completion.
Unfortunately I got bitch-slapped by my bosses this weekend, and it's....well, fri/sat/sun of double shifts. So there won't be any more work done on it until after the weekend. Whatever, I could really use the money. Forgot how easy it is blow it all.
Gambling? No, I wish. Mostly on booze and musical items. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
This next chapter....I dunno, the writing feels so incredibly off. Can't really tell why. Last chapter, although it took countless months due to lack of interest, once it got running it took off. Even though this next one is moving at a good pace, the writing feels so....ugh. Well, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Actually, it's one of my favorites so far. And there's a few new things tossed in the mix as well so......
Oh. And sex. Plenty of that. This new chapter has sex. You've been warned.
See you at the start of the week :) Assuming I'm still in one piece by then.
Unfortunately I got bitch-slapped by my bosses this weekend, and it's....well, fri/sat/sun of double shifts. So there won't be any more work done on it until after the weekend. Whatever, I could really use the money. Forgot how easy it is blow it all.
Gambling? No, I wish. Mostly on booze and musical items. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
This next chapter....I dunno, the writing feels so incredibly off. Can't really tell why. Last chapter, although it took countless months due to lack of interest, once it got running it took off. Even though this next one is moving at a good pace, the writing feels so....ugh. Well, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Actually, it's one of my favorites so far. And there's a few new things tossed in the mix as well so......
Oh. And sex. Plenty of that. This new chapter has sex. You've been warned.
See you at the start of the week :) Assuming I'm still in one piece by then.
Hey guys...
Posted 13 years agoSo, I understand it's not easy following me. Shit gets updated on a constantly irregular basis.
Well, despite what you think, I DO want to get this story finished. It's completely mapped out and ready to be written.
But you know, when I wrote Lost at Sea, I was 14. Those were difficult times. I spent 24/7 on the computer and had literally no friends. I spent the summer of 2004 in my boxers at the computer, literally not leaving the house for anything.
That's when I wrote the stories you read these days.
And those stories did wonders. I met the love of my life, as well as a group of people who had personal and sexual encounters with dolphins. It was like a dream. But that all changed, and the group fell apart.
I see now it was all a delusion brought about by my vulnerable youth. I fantasized about suicide, death, murder, things of the like. Things I'd like to think don't still haunt me today.
But as it went on, I started to stray away from the false world I'd created and the world that was, for once, opening up to me.
I started hanging out with people. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I began to have a better sense on who I was, and who those around me were.
So, the stories I write today aren't up to par because I can't reach that same level. Sure, people claim to love the stories that are coming out recently, but to me they're a struggle, a forced narrative, a lie. They're shit.
But you know what? It's not about me. The fans are what keeps it going, and they deserve to tap into the magical (albeit false) world that surrounded me during my teens.
So yes, I want to finish this story.
But don't expect it to be quick. Maybe I'm half hoping people will grow out of the fantasy as quickly as I did.
I'll keep writing...but by God, it's hard. It's so bloody hard.
Yours,
Delphinic
Well, despite what you think, I DO want to get this story finished. It's completely mapped out and ready to be written.
But you know, when I wrote Lost at Sea, I was 14. Those were difficult times. I spent 24/7 on the computer and had literally no friends. I spent the summer of 2004 in my boxers at the computer, literally not leaving the house for anything.
That's when I wrote the stories you read these days.
And those stories did wonders. I met the love of my life, as well as a group of people who had personal and sexual encounters with dolphins. It was like a dream. But that all changed, and the group fell apart.
I see now it was all a delusion brought about by my vulnerable youth. I fantasized about suicide, death, murder, things of the like. Things I'd like to think don't still haunt me today.
But as it went on, I started to stray away from the false world I'd created and the world that was, for once, opening up to me.
I started hanging out with people. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I began to have a better sense on who I was, and who those around me were.
So, the stories I write today aren't up to par because I can't reach that same level. Sure, people claim to love the stories that are coming out recently, but to me they're a struggle, a forced narrative, a lie. They're shit.
But you know what? It's not about me. The fans are what keeps it going, and they deserve to tap into the magical (albeit false) world that surrounded me during my teens.
So yes, I want to finish this story.
But don't expect it to be quick. Maybe I'm half hoping people will grow out of the fantasy as quickly as I did.
I'll keep writing...but by God, it's hard. It's so bloody hard.
Yours,
Delphinic
Happy Birthday Santa!
Posted 13 years agoJust kidding. Even if the origins of Christmas are just as vague and misleading as the book they've originated from....hey, "Merry Christmas" just has a nice ring to it. How often do you hear "I get so stressed during the Holidays". QED.
So, without further ado,
FROHE WEIHNACHTEN!
....
No translation necessary.
So, without further ado,
FROHE WEIHNACHTEN!
....
No translation necessary.
Keller Williams
Posted 14 years ago....was playing on my Ipod when I went to pick up my drunk older brother from the next town over, and he was imitating Keller's beatboxing...
Yes, I live in corn-county Illinois. Although I live in a "big city", there's not another proper city in the area for over 40 miles. We don't end up in neighborhoods when we drink in IL...we end up in another town/village.
Yes, I live in corn-county Illinois. Although I live in a "big city", there's not another proper city in the area for over 40 miles. We don't end up in neighborhoods when we drink in IL...we end up in another town/village.
New chapter 1-2 days away!
Posted 14 years agoHey everyone! The pivitol eight chapter (7th?) to Good Tidings is a short distance away. Although I have maybe 2-3 paragraphs left to write, I'm unhappy with the last 2 pages. With a few quick rewrites and a final check with Ruth of Pern, the chapter will be out.
Thanks for the patience everyone! With finals and the Twilight premiere my hands have been preoccupied lately. But with December mostly free (minus the holidays, of course), expect a more frequent output of chapters. This next one is when the action really starts!
Thanks for the patience everyone! With finals and the Twilight premiere my hands have been preoccupied lately. But with December mostly free (minus the holidays, of course), expect a more frequent output of chapters. This next one is when the action really starts!
Sthneaky little sthnakey sthnake
Posted 14 years agoGot my 1-2yr old red-tailed boa, Basil, about a month ago.
The private dealer I purchased her from didn't have them in the greatest conditions. When I bought her, she was extremely stressed (as is likely in a move) and had a bad respiratory track infection.
I've paid 70 dollars out of the 200 so far, as the money goes to a "third-party" who had little to do with the snakes. They made one person own/feed/care for them (around 30) and they got to have the money. So, I cut off payments to the third party (giving 20 to the dealer for care), and took her to the vet.
Now, 3 injections later, she's active, healthy and growing! Her strength increases every day. I'm going to continue paying for her.
My drunken brother, mid-black out, started reciting THIS video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ti4sqG85FU4) and demanding I name her "sthnakey sthnake". I brushed it off with a few laughs and a "I gotta go, see ya bro!"
So, I named her Basil because of "A Clockwork Orange", the name of Alex's snake. I was reminded of the scene his snake was smelling a poster of a spread-eagle nude woman. My snake was smelling a post on my wall in a similar manner. So, the name stuck!
I realized how hard it is to put a snake back in it's cage. It's like trying to pee with morning wood. You aim her one way, head goes another!
The private dealer I purchased her from didn't have them in the greatest conditions. When I bought her, she was extremely stressed (as is likely in a move) and had a bad respiratory track infection.
I've paid 70 dollars out of the 200 so far, as the money goes to a "third-party" who had little to do with the snakes. They made one person own/feed/care for them (around 30) and they got to have the money. So, I cut off payments to the third party (giving 20 to the dealer for care), and took her to the vet.
Now, 3 injections later, she's active, healthy and growing! Her strength increases every day. I'm going to continue paying for her.
My drunken brother, mid-black out, started reciting THIS video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ti4sqG85FU4) and demanding I name her "sthnakey sthnake". I brushed it off with a few laughs and a "I gotta go, see ya bro!"
So, I named her Basil because of "A Clockwork Orange", the name of Alex's snake. I was reminded of the scene his snake was smelling a poster of a spread-eagle nude woman. My snake was smelling a post on my wall in a similar manner. So, the name stuck!
I realized how hard it is to put a snake back in it's cage. It's like trying to pee with morning wood. You aim her one way, head goes another!
Somewhere along the line, I died.
Posted 14 years agoHey all.
If you're reading this, you're either extremely pissed off or a truly loyal fan. As for the both of you, I salute you.
Thanks to 4 shots of rum, I've come up with the courage to explain myself.
No, I have not been working on Good Tidings Part 5. Please, do not expect it any time in the future.
People often write/ask me about when the next part will appear. To be honest, I have lost total interest in the story. I can no longer relate to the characters. I can no longer follow the story. To this date, I have never actually READ the story as though it were written by somebody else. I often find myself scratching my head over some passages, and crawling under a rock at some.
I want to thank Ruth Of Pern, Kovu998, and others for their support all of these years.
But really, I believe you loyal fans deserve the truth about my stories.
You see, all of the stories you have read (and if you're a fan, loved...right?) were written by me between the ages of 13-15. That's right. The stories that have brought me love, acceptance, drama, and friendship were written before I could even drive a car. I lied to everybody. And for that, I am sorry. Above all, it was the guilt which drove me to abandon my stories.
You see, I've always aspired to be a writer. Growing up the son of a librarian who read to her children every night, I continue to enjoy reading.
However, I am no longer the person I was when I wrote Angie, Lost at Sea, Shimmering Water, or Being the New One.
True, I still write. I write all the time. I have a compulsion. However, the stories you read was by a person who I, this year turning 20 years old, no longer associate with.
During my time writing stories, I made a lot of wonderful friends. Many of whom I secretly wish to rekindle my relationship with. However, shortly after the release of Lost at Sea, I began to change. Although PHYSICAL puberty hit me at age 11, my psychological changes did not begin until about halfway through my 15th year.
At this point, I was delving into my "masterpiece", known as "Haitwan". I knew the story by heart, and was about 10 pages in. However, thanks to viruses and a careless best friend, the original manuscript was lost for good. It was a story I never had to think about, pre-write, or edit. It came out perfectly. Because of the careless of my friend who deleted all of my files in order to use Limewire, nobody was able to see the finished product.
At that point, I also suffered a devastating break-up with my boyfriend of 2 years who, a week away from visiting me, apparently did not matter enough for me to tell my parents. In the end, it was my doing which caused a chain of events which led me to burning the bridges of several close, internet friends.
But please, keep in mind. I wrote those stories at the lowest point of my life. Never since then have I hated, despised, and wished harm upon myself. Quite the contrary. Today I am respected at my job (a part-time projectionist at the highest rated movie theater in town) and have many friends. If I had not made friends my certain people, started associating with certain groups, and had the will-power to search for a job, I believe 100% I would be dead today. The time I spent writing stories was the only (and I mean it. THE ONLY) solace I found during those few years. I utilized self-hatred, alienation, and isolation to create worlds that some of you seem to enjoy.
Every fan is a blessing to me. Often times I am torn between hating myself, and delusions of grandeur. I have killed off one of my two chinchillas thanks to delusions of grander. I stopped feeding my pets or cleaning their cages because I saw myself above that. As my parents divorced and my brother became a hopeless alcoholic, I saw myself to be the best of everything. IN that sense, the older of my two chinchillas died off because of lack of food and care. Today, the younger one is strong-willed and vibrant despite being almost 11 years old. I take care of him as the final symbol of my pre-adolescent, pre-depression, pre-self deprecating lifestyle which I vaguely remember.
But now, as I am completing my freshman year at community college (money reasons, not grade reasons...trust me.), I reflect on the life I can no longer associate with. True, I suffer depression. I continue to abuse my body and mind through drugs and alcohol. In a sense, those two things are the reason why I no longer write stories. They helped me get accepted into the wrong group of people during the lowest point in my life. Even when I hit rock-bottom with alcohol and drugs, it will not even closely resemble the mentality I experienced before I started abusing these substances. I truly believe that there are two ways for me to die. First off, it will be drug/alcohol (mostly alcohol) related health problems following years of abuse. Second, I will die by my own hands. Even though I'd like to think of myself as being more emotionally and psychologically stable than I was during the times I wrote my stories, I know that to be a lie. I am not worse off. Perhaps I am, but I perceive myself to be better off. Now, I can actually COMMUNICATE with people. When I wrote my stories I could not trust a glass of water within reach of a family member in fear of some kind of tampering. Today, I can easily speak to a person begging on the streets. I'm not a saint. Some nights my grandeur causes me to BELIEVE I am, but the next day my mind tells me I am worthless, and not worthy of any kind of emotional connection to anybody.
This may be a rant...a drunken rant. But after an absence, I believe the few people who are faithful deserve an honest explaination. I do not like to associate with any of my past stories, simply due to the mindset I was in at the time. Few people realize the dark mentality I experienced while writing such "beautiful" works like Angie and Lost at Sea. These were the worlds I wished I could be in, and by creating them myself it allowed delusions of grandeur to run rammpant. I remember very little from this period besides sitting on the computer, 24/7, chatting and writting. I hate that about myself. It's another "brick" to add to my "wall" when I think of why I suddenly have visions of murdering everybody in the library of my college. I smoke weed and I drink alcohol, occasionally I will dose myself on LSD, but I do believe these are the only things keeping me alive.
If you disagree...would I be this honest if I were sober? No! Not even!
I am thankful I made it through the worst of my experiences. I am currently studying Psychology in hopes to become a therapist. My ultimate dream is to be an actor/singer, both of which I have/do pursue(d) both before, during, and after my rock bottom.
To be honest, I often feel ashamed of my stories. These were the magnum opus I was hoping for, yet I shared them with a relatively underground community who, although far more sympathetic and understanding, did not propel me to the stardom I considered "closure" for talent. I was named after a silent film star, and I received my first acting gig out of fate....yet I feel as though the furry/zoo community is all that understands me.
Even today, I feel alienated. However, thanks to years of training, I can say "I'm fine" confidently and soundly without causing a second thought in the person who asked.
To be honest, though, I am horrified. I fear myself. I have a mind that is constantly working. While walking around campus I have vivid fantasies of pulling out a gun and ending innocent lives. I do believe I need help. I need medication. I need a more structured environment, and I need somebody who I believe will listen. I chose to tell my most intimate secrets with a select few, and those few are often as intoxicated as I am. Psychology was a means to try to pinpoint the reason behind my emotional and psychological turmoil. Right now, I see it as an ex-meth addict treating meth-addicts. I can never CURE myself of my mentality, but during the period between stories I have learned not only to live, but to thrive off of my mentality. If I hear a song and want to cry, that is a plus for me. I have learned to throw my soul into music, while writing becomes a hobby. As I progress in bass guitar, I can't help but reflect on those years I sought solace in writing fantasy stories about dolphins.
I wish I could be that guy who charmed you (few) fans with Gregory and Isthia. I wish you all could feel how I felt during the writing of "Angie". But I understand fully those who have lost faith in me.
Please, I do not wish to have sympathy. Even at work, I feel guilty and go to bed with a heavy conscience when somebody does a slight favor for me. I feel unworthy. I feel unloved. However, that is the way I have become ACCUSTOMED to. I pre-plan those feelings. And anybody who tries to tell me I am worth something, I am actually a good role model, it makes me feel guilty and only causes me to further hate myself. I want to help people. I want to ASSOCIATE with people. But because of my mentality, exacerbated by cannabis, LSD, mushrooms, and mostly Alcohol, I have found the niche I believe I fit into.
And please. Don't try to give me sob stories. People telling me I AM worth it, I AM a good person...because of the way my mind works, it's like telling a morbidly obese person that they are actually in shape. I HOPE people tell me that I am worthless. I HOPE those fans of my stories tell me that I dissapointed them, let them down, left them hanging without a second notice....I HOPE these people let me know the truth. Because I honestly, 100% believe that I have lied and been shady with everyone. If you tell me I am wrong, it will only throw my mind out of whack.
I have cried, sure. I have sobbed, stabbed myself, cut myself, and lived unhealthy lifestyles. I carelessly chug away 2.5 liters of Mt.Dew every work period. I casually tell my coworkers I will have diabetes someday. I ignore lingering pains, I dismiss signs of ill-health. Personally, no day has gone by since the creation of my first story taht I have not wished myself dead. Often times, I believe that it would do the world better if I were gone. I have vivid visions of my memorial services, or A&E biographies of myself after I have become famous and killed myself. I find peace in hearing my current friends and family, who I love more than myself, telling cameramen and journalists that I was a good guy. Meanwhile, I tell myself I am a worthless piece of shit who only causes problems by being alive. But telling me otherwise will do no good. What if you told a wheelchair bound man at 600lbs that he wasn't really that fat? That's how it is for me. I WISH I could change it, but without some kind of medication I realize (and accept) that it will not happen.
Basically, I want to say that Good Tidings is about 99% pressure from loyal fans. I love these people. I relish the thought of theses people telling me my pubescent self was more competent than I was today.
Honestly, the only story I have expressed hope of completing is Haitwann. In this case, it offers closure and I can finally put this zoo/anthro/furry fandom to rest. I don't want to be famous in a subculture unless i am a reggae/dubstep artist.
I also want my friends/ex-friends to consider this. Nothing I have ever done, nor said, was personal. I believe your friendship helped me out of my funk. However, I quickly realized that friendship over the computer was the far most superficial relationship imaginable. Although my physical friendships have largely been based on the consumption of alcohol and drugs, I consider physical an automatic trump over virtual.
For those of you who are TL;DR- I am depressed, I hate myself, only hating myself more than now will produce more stories.
Also, OSAMA is dead. Even as a hippie who protested the wars these past 10 years, I am thankful of this news.
Thank you.
If you're reading this, you're either extremely pissed off or a truly loyal fan. As for the both of you, I salute you.
Thanks to 4 shots of rum, I've come up with the courage to explain myself.
No, I have not been working on Good Tidings Part 5. Please, do not expect it any time in the future.
People often write/ask me about when the next part will appear. To be honest, I have lost total interest in the story. I can no longer relate to the characters. I can no longer follow the story. To this date, I have never actually READ the story as though it were written by somebody else. I often find myself scratching my head over some passages, and crawling under a rock at some.
I want to thank Ruth Of Pern, Kovu998, and others for their support all of these years.
But really, I believe you loyal fans deserve the truth about my stories.
You see, all of the stories you have read (and if you're a fan, loved...right?) were written by me between the ages of 13-15. That's right. The stories that have brought me love, acceptance, drama, and friendship were written before I could even drive a car. I lied to everybody. And for that, I am sorry. Above all, it was the guilt which drove me to abandon my stories.
You see, I've always aspired to be a writer. Growing up the son of a librarian who read to her children every night, I continue to enjoy reading.
However, I am no longer the person I was when I wrote Angie, Lost at Sea, Shimmering Water, or Being the New One.
True, I still write. I write all the time. I have a compulsion. However, the stories you read was by a person who I, this year turning 20 years old, no longer associate with.
During my time writing stories, I made a lot of wonderful friends. Many of whom I secretly wish to rekindle my relationship with. However, shortly after the release of Lost at Sea, I began to change. Although PHYSICAL puberty hit me at age 11, my psychological changes did not begin until about halfway through my 15th year.
At this point, I was delving into my "masterpiece", known as "Haitwan". I knew the story by heart, and was about 10 pages in. However, thanks to viruses and a careless best friend, the original manuscript was lost for good. It was a story I never had to think about, pre-write, or edit. It came out perfectly. Because of the careless of my friend who deleted all of my files in order to use Limewire, nobody was able to see the finished product.
At that point, I also suffered a devastating break-up with my boyfriend of 2 years who, a week away from visiting me, apparently did not matter enough for me to tell my parents. In the end, it was my doing which caused a chain of events which led me to burning the bridges of several close, internet friends.
But please, keep in mind. I wrote those stories at the lowest point of my life. Never since then have I hated, despised, and wished harm upon myself. Quite the contrary. Today I am respected at my job (a part-time projectionist at the highest rated movie theater in town) and have many friends. If I had not made friends my certain people, started associating with certain groups, and had the will-power to search for a job, I believe 100% I would be dead today. The time I spent writing stories was the only (and I mean it. THE ONLY) solace I found during those few years. I utilized self-hatred, alienation, and isolation to create worlds that some of you seem to enjoy.
Every fan is a blessing to me. Often times I am torn between hating myself, and delusions of grandeur. I have killed off one of my two chinchillas thanks to delusions of grander. I stopped feeding my pets or cleaning their cages because I saw myself above that. As my parents divorced and my brother became a hopeless alcoholic, I saw myself to be the best of everything. IN that sense, the older of my two chinchillas died off because of lack of food and care. Today, the younger one is strong-willed and vibrant despite being almost 11 years old. I take care of him as the final symbol of my pre-adolescent, pre-depression, pre-self deprecating lifestyle which I vaguely remember.
But now, as I am completing my freshman year at community college (money reasons, not grade reasons...trust me.), I reflect on the life I can no longer associate with. True, I suffer depression. I continue to abuse my body and mind through drugs and alcohol. In a sense, those two things are the reason why I no longer write stories. They helped me get accepted into the wrong group of people during the lowest point in my life. Even when I hit rock-bottom with alcohol and drugs, it will not even closely resemble the mentality I experienced before I started abusing these substances. I truly believe that there are two ways for me to die. First off, it will be drug/alcohol (mostly alcohol) related health problems following years of abuse. Second, I will die by my own hands. Even though I'd like to think of myself as being more emotionally and psychologically stable than I was during the times I wrote my stories, I know that to be a lie. I am not worse off. Perhaps I am, but I perceive myself to be better off. Now, I can actually COMMUNICATE with people. When I wrote my stories I could not trust a glass of water within reach of a family member in fear of some kind of tampering. Today, I can easily speak to a person begging on the streets. I'm not a saint. Some nights my grandeur causes me to BELIEVE I am, but the next day my mind tells me I am worthless, and not worthy of any kind of emotional connection to anybody.
This may be a rant...a drunken rant. But after an absence, I believe the few people who are faithful deserve an honest explaination. I do not like to associate with any of my past stories, simply due to the mindset I was in at the time. Few people realize the dark mentality I experienced while writing such "beautiful" works like Angie and Lost at Sea. These were the worlds I wished I could be in, and by creating them myself it allowed delusions of grandeur to run rammpant. I remember very little from this period besides sitting on the computer, 24/7, chatting and writting. I hate that about myself. It's another "brick" to add to my "wall" when I think of why I suddenly have visions of murdering everybody in the library of my college. I smoke weed and I drink alcohol, occasionally I will dose myself on LSD, but I do believe these are the only things keeping me alive.
If you disagree...would I be this honest if I were sober? No! Not even!
I am thankful I made it through the worst of my experiences. I am currently studying Psychology in hopes to become a therapist. My ultimate dream is to be an actor/singer, both of which I have/do pursue(d) both before, during, and after my rock bottom.
To be honest, I often feel ashamed of my stories. These were the magnum opus I was hoping for, yet I shared them with a relatively underground community who, although far more sympathetic and understanding, did not propel me to the stardom I considered "closure" for talent. I was named after a silent film star, and I received my first acting gig out of fate....yet I feel as though the furry/zoo community is all that understands me.
Even today, I feel alienated. However, thanks to years of training, I can say "I'm fine" confidently and soundly without causing a second thought in the person who asked.
To be honest, though, I am horrified. I fear myself. I have a mind that is constantly working. While walking around campus I have vivid fantasies of pulling out a gun and ending innocent lives. I do believe I need help. I need medication. I need a more structured environment, and I need somebody who I believe will listen. I chose to tell my most intimate secrets with a select few, and those few are often as intoxicated as I am. Psychology was a means to try to pinpoint the reason behind my emotional and psychological turmoil. Right now, I see it as an ex-meth addict treating meth-addicts. I can never CURE myself of my mentality, but during the period between stories I have learned not only to live, but to thrive off of my mentality. If I hear a song and want to cry, that is a plus for me. I have learned to throw my soul into music, while writing becomes a hobby. As I progress in bass guitar, I can't help but reflect on those years I sought solace in writing fantasy stories about dolphins.
I wish I could be that guy who charmed you (few) fans with Gregory and Isthia. I wish you all could feel how I felt during the writing of "Angie". But I understand fully those who have lost faith in me.
Please, I do not wish to have sympathy. Even at work, I feel guilty and go to bed with a heavy conscience when somebody does a slight favor for me. I feel unworthy. I feel unloved. However, that is the way I have become ACCUSTOMED to. I pre-plan those feelings. And anybody who tries to tell me I am worth something, I am actually a good role model, it makes me feel guilty and only causes me to further hate myself. I want to help people. I want to ASSOCIATE with people. But because of my mentality, exacerbated by cannabis, LSD, mushrooms, and mostly Alcohol, I have found the niche I believe I fit into.
And please. Don't try to give me sob stories. People telling me I AM worth it, I AM a good person...because of the way my mind works, it's like telling a morbidly obese person that they are actually in shape. I HOPE people tell me that I am worthless. I HOPE those fans of my stories tell me that I dissapointed them, let them down, left them hanging without a second notice....I HOPE these people let me know the truth. Because I honestly, 100% believe that I have lied and been shady with everyone. If you tell me I am wrong, it will only throw my mind out of whack.
I have cried, sure. I have sobbed, stabbed myself, cut myself, and lived unhealthy lifestyles. I carelessly chug away 2.5 liters of Mt.Dew every work period. I casually tell my coworkers I will have diabetes someday. I ignore lingering pains, I dismiss signs of ill-health. Personally, no day has gone by since the creation of my first story taht I have not wished myself dead. Often times, I believe that it would do the world better if I were gone. I have vivid visions of my memorial services, or A&E biographies of myself after I have become famous and killed myself. I find peace in hearing my current friends and family, who I love more than myself, telling cameramen and journalists that I was a good guy. Meanwhile, I tell myself I am a worthless piece of shit who only causes problems by being alive. But telling me otherwise will do no good. What if you told a wheelchair bound man at 600lbs that he wasn't really that fat? That's how it is for me. I WISH I could change it, but without some kind of medication I realize (and accept) that it will not happen.
Basically, I want to say that Good Tidings is about 99% pressure from loyal fans. I love these people. I relish the thought of theses people telling me my pubescent self was more competent than I was today.
Honestly, the only story I have expressed hope of completing is Haitwann. In this case, it offers closure and I can finally put this zoo/anthro/furry fandom to rest. I don't want to be famous in a subculture unless i am a reggae/dubstep artist.
I also want my friends/ex-friends to consider this. Nothing I have ever done, nor said, was personal. I believe your friendship helped me out of my funk. However, I quickly realized that friendship over the computer was the far most superficial relationship imaginable. Although my physical friendships have largely been based on the consumption of alcohol and drugs, I consider physical an automatic trump over virtual.
For those of you who are TL;DR- I am depressed, I hate myself, only hating myself more than now will produce more stories.
Also, OSAMA is dead. Even as a hippie who protested the wars these past 10 years, I am thankful of this news.
Thank you.
Good Tidings Prt4 is done!
Posted 15 years agoYes, for the first time in X amount of months, I'm releasing some new material!
Right now it's been sent to my 'editor' who should be checking it out. Hopefully I'll have it up by tonight or tomorrow.
Again, I apologize for the overwhelming lack of updates. Frankly, I'd lost the will to write. It wasn't until I was contacted by a fan (who is now my editor) that it rebooted my drive. And thanks to him, I managed to STAY on track this time.
The next part is more a transition into the bulk of the story. There's a lot of conflicts and sub-plots going on, so there are bound to be sections where it's all dialogue or existentialist rantings similar to "Native Son". We're working to iron out the kinks where I wouldn't write for weeks or months on end and start up without rereading the section.
Hope to be more persistant in finishing this second part! If anyone's out there- thank you for your patience!
Right now it's been sent to my 'editor' who should be checking it out. Hopefully I'll have it up by tonight or tomorrow.
Again, I apologize for the overwhelming lack of updates. Frankly, I'd lost the will to write. It wasn't until I was contacted by a fan (who is now my editor) that it rebooted my drive. And thanks to him, I managed to STAY on track this time.
The next part is more a transition into the bulk of the story. There's a lot of conflicts and sub-plots going on, so there are bound to be sections where it's all dialogue or existentialist rantings similar to "Native Son". We're working to iron out the kinks where I wouldn't write for weeks or months on end and start up without rereading the section.
Hope to be more persistant in finishing this second part! If anyone's out there- thank you for your patience!
OK! Now hear me out-
Posted 15 years agoIf you're reading this journal, I salute you! Thank goodness there are still SOME people out there with a wee bit of faith left in me :)
Things have certainly been hard these past couple of years. I've suffered through severe domestic turmoil in my family (an edgy divorce and violent sibling rivalry), heavy drug and alcohol abuse, the loss of several close family members, a disastrous breakup with my mate, and my blossoming Manic Depression.
I've burned a lot of bridges with a lot of good friends. I've lost my drive to interact, to draw, and most importantly to write.
BUT. Things have suddenly taken an upward turn.
I realize in many previous journals I promised to write more, only to break it.
Fortunately, I've come across a group of faithful readers who agreed to collaborate story ideas and edit my work. With their help and feedback, I've regained my incentive to write!
Part 4 of "Good Tidings" is in the works :)
On another note, I also felt inspiration from the fantastic work of
Tojo-The-Thief. I can't really say why, but her work has really inspired me to put forth the effort to please the fans.
And to all of you who have stayed faithful- Thank you. Your patience is not in vain =)
Things have certainly been hard these past couple of years. I've suffered through severe domestic turmoil in my family (an edgy divorce and violent sibling rivalry), heavy drug and alcohol abuse, the loss of several close family members, a disastrous breakup with my mate, and my blossoming Manic Depression.
I've burned a lot of bridges with a lot of good friends. I've lost my drive to interact, to draw, and most importantly to write.
BUT. Things have suddenly taken an upward turn.
I realize in many previous journals I promised to write more, only to break it.
Fortunately, I've come across a group of faithful readers who agreed to collaborate story ideas and edit my work. With their help and feedback, I've regained my incentive to write!
Part 4 of "Good Tidings" is in the works :)
On another note, I also felt inspiration from the fantastic work of
Tojo-The-Thief. I can't really say why, but her work has really inspired me to put forth the effort to please the fans.And to all of you who have stayed faithful- Thank you. Your patience is not in vain =)
September 11th, 2010
Posted 15 years agoIn the past, my political demeanor has fallen under scrutiny from the largely Conservative population of my hometown. Called "Socialist", "Fascist" "Baby-killer" "Dirty Hippie" "Enemy" and my personal favorite "Un-Patriotic", it's odd to find a memorial towards the victims of 9/11 within the same pages as my anti-war rants.
You see, I do not HATE America, per se. The idea of personal freedom and practices rings well in my morale. The concept of pursuit of happiness and equal opportunity may not be available to everyone but hey, at least it exists.
Now, what I DO hate is what our country has come to stand for. We believe that to question our own leaders is unpatriotic. We believe that to help the needy exacerbates the situation. We relish the thought of social Darwinism. We set aside what is right for what is most profitable. We use fear to keep people on the sides of the richest citizens. We're pure capitalism, which is equally as bad as pure socialism. We are afraid of the dark because we don't understand it.
Nevertheless, the events which occurred on September 11th, 2001 was not a failure of our country, but a failure of mankind.
Now, I could easily go into the whole "9/11 Truth" business and point fingers to the recent Presidencies or those I truly believe to be responsible. But I won't. Just as the nation did with Hurricane Katrina, we are doing with 9/11: We're too stirring up the pot that we can't let the reality sink in.
Almost 3,000 people were killed in one day. Rather, almost 3,000 people were killed in the span of 8 hours. These were fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, sons, daughters, cousins, sinners, saints, children, babies. In the blink of an eye 500 people were incinerated when the first plane hit the WTC. And as the nation watched, we blinked again. Another plane, another tower, another 500 people.
That's all we should know about September 11th. Through the cowardly acts of 19 men hailing from across the ocean, the security of our once proud nation deteriorated. We realized that what occurs in other countries could easily happen here. Our sense of safety was gone. It proved to America how vulnerable we truly were. Whole countries may hate the United States, but it only took 19 men to attack.
My deepest, heartfelt sympathy goes towards the victims and the families of victims involved in 9/11. Our careless history and foreign policy ended the lives of almost 3,000 innocent people from all walks of life. On that fateful day, the United States became a social aggregate.
It's understandable that we acted recklessly afterwards. It makes sense that we used 9/11 as the Emmanuel Goldstein to rile up our troops and send them over to die like those in the towers. It's easy to see why the act we told we would never forget has NOT been forgotten- its been twisted and turned to fund a foolish regime and spark a Jihad.
In short, it makes sense why America lost the war.
We were scared. We panicked. We certainly hadn't made plans as a "just in case". Before the fires were extinguished we had made a plan and were sticking to it. It sure sounded like a good idea at the time.
But look at our state now. We lost 3,000 innocent people that day. We lost another 4,000 soldiers from the resulting wars. Innocent civilians add on about 8,000. That's 15,000 innocent lives lost.
All they lost were 19 men, plus those taken by the war. I doubt it's over 5,000.
Looking at the figures, can you argue who really won?
It's just unfortunate those 3,000 people weren't avenged by swiftly taking out the man TRULY in charge. It's unfortunate that we started a jihad against an entire religion of whom a microscopic fraction have actually harmed us.
And they call building a mosque disrespectful to the victims? Please. Just shut it.
It's so unfortunate that now, almost 10 years later, we haven't forget the date. We haven't forgotten the feeling.
But we forgot how to forgive.
And thanks to that, the fires still burn.
Happy Anniversary.
You see, I do not HATE America, per se. The idea of personal freedom and practices rings well in my morale. The concept of pursuit of happiness and equal opportunity may not be available to everyone but hey, at least it exists.
Now, what I DO hate is what our country has come to stand for. We believe that to question our own leaders is unpatriotic. We believe that to help the needy exacerbates the situation. We relish the thought of social Darwinism. We set aside what is right for what is most profitable. We use fear to keep people on the sides of the richest citizens. We're pure capitalism, which is equally as bad as pure socialism. We are afraid of the dark because we don't understand it.
Nevertheless, the events which occurred on September 11th, 2001 was not a failure of our country, but a failure of mankind.
Now, I could easily go into the whole "9/11 Truth" business and point fingers to the recent Presidencies or those I truly believe to be responsible. But I won't. Just as the nation did with Hurricane Katrina, we are doing with 9/11: We're too stirring up the pot that we can't let the reality sink in.
Almost 3,000 people were killed in one day. Rather, almost 3,000 people were killed in the span of 8 hours. These were fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, sons, daughters, cousins, sinners, saints, children, babies. In the blink of an eye 500 people were incinerated when the first plane hit the WTC. And as the nation watched, we blinked again. Another plane, another tower, another 500 people.
That's all we should know about September 11th. Through the cowardly acts of 19 men hailing from across the ocean, the security of our once proud nation deteriorated. We realized that what occurs in other countries could easily happen here. Our sense of safety was gone. It proved to America how vulnerable we truly were. Whole countries may hate the United States, but it only took 19 men to attack.
My deepest, heartfelt sympathy goes towards the victims and the families of victims involved in 9/11. Our careless history and foreign policy ended the lives of almost 3,000 innocent people from all walks of life. On that fateful day, the United States became a social aggregate.
It's understandable that we acted recklessly afterwards. It makes sense that we used 9/11 as the Emmanuel Goldstein to rile up our troops and send them over to die like those in the towers. It's easy to see why the act we told we would never forget has NOT been forgotten- its been twisted and turned to fund a foolish regime and spark a Jihad.
In short, it makes sense why America lost the war.
We were scared. We panicked. We certainly hadn't made plans as a "just in case". Before the fires were extinguished we had made a plan and were sticking to it. It sure sounded like a good idea at the time.
But look at our state now. We lost 3,000 innocent people that day. We lost another 4,000 soldiers from the resulting wars. Innocent civilians add on about 8,000. That's 15,000 innocent lives lost.
All they lost were 19 men, plus those taken by the war. I doubt it's over 5,000.
Looking at the figures, can you argue who really won?
It's just unfortunate those 3,000 people weren't avenged by swiftly taking out the man TRULY in charge. It's unfortunate that we started a jihad against an entire religion of whom a microscopic fraction have actually harmed us.
And they call building a mosque disrespectful to the victims? Please. Just shut it.
It's so unfortunate that now, almost 10 years later, we haven't forget the date. We haven't forgotten the feeling.
But we forgot how to forgive.
And thanks to that, the fires still burn.
Happy Anniversary.
That Controversial Meme
Posted 15 years ago1) Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
There's no shame on the internet. Unless you're posting your SSN on every website.
2) Would you do meth if it was legalized?
Not at all. Only things that come from the Earth.
3) Abortion: for or against it?
For it. If a woman wants to get pregnant to intentionally have an abortion (as many pro-Lifers try to infer) then that's her right, same as if she wanted to get a tattoo or piercing.
4) Do you think a country would fail with a female president?
It's failed under a ton of male presidents, why should a female be any different?
5) Do you believe in the death penalty?
Yes, I believe it exists. Uhhh, but as for supporting it I believe that we should leave it up to forensic evidence and not just "you were the last one the neighbors saw in the house"
6) Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
FUCK YES. I mean, seriously. If we're gonna have alcohol and tobacco and McDonalds we might as well have some good ol' sticky icky!
7) Are you for or against premarital sex?
It's the new millennium. People against it come off as prudish.
8) Do you believe in God?
Yes- but that's only so I can get into the Freemasons
9) Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yeah, totally. I mean, come on. New Milliennium. Prudish.
10) Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
The only thing I think is so wrong is that we make it so difficult for them to come here. That, and they take the jobs that any decent American would refuse to do (ie working in the fields). And its funny that the people against it rarely mention how often their neighbors put them to work for far less than minimum wage.
11) A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
No. Even girls in their 20s have a hard time raising a kid. Plus, this girl shouldn't miss out on the best years of her life. That, and she'd have to be pretty irresponsible to get pregnant at age 12.
12) Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
No. One's brain is still developing at that point and it is bound to cause more damage than when they're 21.
13) Should the war in Iraq be called off?
No- we need to leave once things are back in order. I don't support the war, but it's asinine to leave it halfway through and let the war-torn country try to rebuild its own piece. We were selfish to start the war, so let's finish it up and leave. No shifting the blame to the next country, no putting a new guy in power. Just clean up and leave.
14) Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
No. A person should be allowed to chose suicide if they want to.
15) Do you believe in spanking your children?
Yes. Not that I would if they spill their milk or say "shit" in front of Grandma, but I believe in discipline.
16) Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
Shiiiit I'd burn one for 50 dollars but if you want to go to 1 million....
17) Who do you think would have made a better president? McCain or Obama?
Neither- I was rootin for Ron Paul
18) Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
Let them.
There's no shame on the internet. Unless you're posting your SSN on every website.
2) Would you do meth if it was legalized?
Not at all. Only things that come from the Earth.
3) Abortion: for or against it?
For it. If a woman wants to get pregnant to intentionally have an abortion (as many pro-Lifers try to infer) then that's her right, same as if she wanted to get a tattoo or piercing.
4) Do you think a country would fail with a female president?
It's failed under a ton of male presidents, why should a female be any different?
5) Do you believe in the death penalty?
Yes, I believe it exists. Uhhh, but as for supporting it I believe that we should leave it up to forensic evidence and not just "you were the last one the neighbors saw in the house"
6) Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
FUCK YES. I mean, seriously. If we're gonna have alcohol and tobacco and McDonalds we might as well have some good ol' sticky icky!
7) Are you for or against premarital sex?
It's the new millennium. People against it come off as prudish.
8) Do you believe in God?
Yes- but that's only so I can get into the Freemasons
9) Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yeah, totally. I mean, come on. New Milliennium. Prudish.
10) Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
The only thing I think is so wrong is that we make it so difficult for them to come here. That, and they take the jobs that any decent American would refuse to do (ie working in the fields). And its funny that the people against it rarely mention how often their neighbors put them to work for far less than minimum wage.
11) A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
No. Even girls in their 20s have a hard time raising a kid. Plus, this girl shouldn't miss out on the best years of her life. That, and she'd have to be pretty irresponsible to get pregnant at age 12.
12) Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
No. One's brain is still developing at that point and it is bound to cause more damage than when they're 21.
13) Should the war in Iraq be called off?
No- we need to leave once things are back in order. I don't support the war, but it's asinine to leave it halfway through and let the war-torn country try to rebuild its own piece. We were selfish to start the war, so let's finish it up and leave. No shifting the blame to the next country, no putting a new guy in power. Just clean up and leave.
14) Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
No. A person should be allowed to chose suicide if they want to.
15) Do you believe in spanking your children?
Yes. Not that I would if they spill their milk or say "shit" in front of Grandma, but I believe in discipline.
16) Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
Shiiiit I'd burn one for 50 dollars but if you want to go to 1 million....
17) Who do you think would have made a better president? McCain or Obama?
Neither- I was rootin for Ron Paul
18) Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
Let them.
SUMMER CAMP!
Posted 15 years agoWow. What a weekend.
As some of you may have read it my recent journal, I was attending a hippie music festival known as "Summer Camp" in Chillicothe, IL.
The festival was, in one word, hot. You could also say crowded, dirty, unbearable, exposed...and fun as hell.
On Thursday night I packed up and went to visit my bank. Unfortunately I only had $100 (not enough for a 3 day weekend, especially when ice costs 3 bucks a bag). My banks ATM was being resupplied and every other ATM I visited would not let me get money. In the end I gave up and drove to Peoria. I made it there and met up with my other friend, who already had a VIP wristband. We got our Late Night tickets and left to return to Peoria, a good 10 minutes away. My friend was working until 9pm so we met him at Krogers. He was finishing work so we decided to shop for supplies, including toys that us hippies tend to enjoy playing with (bubbles, streamers, glowsticks, balls, hoops). I managed to break a baton so I brought that along. We stopped at his house for more supplies then to Taco Bell for food. We made it back to camp at around 11pm. We had a long walk, including a 60lb cooler, three chairs and several hundred bags, all of which was checked as security. We walked half a mile to our campsite, which was located directly in front of the "Sunshine Stage", located in front of an open field with stalls. Also, right next to the bathroom stalls. We built the tents and smoked a little herb, then went to bed after chatting with our neighbors. We stayed up in our tents for an hour talking anonymously people, some were girls who wanted to go to sleep and the others were three guys pretending to be animals.
We were woken up by a girl shouting "Wake Up! You got a full day at Summer Camp!" So we got up. By 8am it was already 75 degrees. We walked to the Sunshine stage and played Hackey Sack and Frisbee. At about noon I drove back home to pick up my check and more supplies from Walmart. It was a fun time to sit in the AC during the hour long drive. I managed to make it back and carried 60lbs of groceries to the tent. My friends were sitting in direct sunlight complaining how hot it was, and were already starting to burn up. I started flying a kite, then we went and saw a few shows. Nothing special. I took some LSD and they took some mushrooms, and we went to the "moonshine" stage to see another band play. It was packed. Rothbury (another major midwestern festival) had been canceled that year so everyone was coming to SummerCamp. Some hippie bought the rest of my LSD, and I was sure he was a cop because I was tripping. We came back to the tent and spent a long time trying to gather things together. We had water coolers on our backs and spray fans. When I first started tripping I went to see Umphrey's MacGee who put on a STELLAR show, besides the fact that I was standing next to a skinny old redneck who stood there looking bored as hell. After that I went to see Government Mule with my friend while the other went to see Bassnectar. While they we heard that GARY COLEMAN had died. Afterwards we went to campfire "late night" show. Our Bassnectar friend stayed behind to drink, but we got there in time to see the fire had gone out. Some people put on an impromptu bluegrass band (about 5 guys) and that attracted a huge crowd. Eventually people began to show up, all of us wondering WHEN they were going to start the fire. Eventually some people threw on logs and a hippie with a head full of glow sticks sprayed beer on it and it came to life. Finally the band started and people were dancing next to the fire, which was so large we had to shield our faces from the heat. My friend left because he was tripping too hard, but I stayed behind. I watched people pass a "snake" made of glowsticks around the camp fire, then I returned back. I grabbed my laptop and we started watching "Ren and Stimpy" while tripping hardcore. I fell asleep but my friend couldn't get any rest.
The next day we woke up at 8am again, only now it was 80 degrees in the tent. We drove into Peoria and ate at Denny's. We cleaned up in the bathrooms and talked to a waitress about the camp (she wanted to go but was too busy working). We had huge appetites but were unable to eat much. We went to Schnucks to buy blunts and glowsticks. We then drove back just in time to see Rebelution and Steel Pulse (two reggae bands) up front in 90 degree, direct sunlight. After walking around for a bit and trying to cool down with 6 dollar Lemon Shakeups, I took 3 hits of acid and stood up front to see KELLER WILLIAMS!!! Quite an amazing show, and it wasn't so bad to be in the sun because people would spray us with water. Right before the show started a girl passed out at the gate and started throwing up from the heat. I used a whole camera on Keller. Once it was over and people were chanting for an encore, the crowd started getting a little restless because Keller wasn't allowed back on (they were on a strict show schedule and Keller overplayed by 5 minutes). People were cursing and booing the roadies and began chanting about Keller. The intensity of their chants made me nervous and I left thinking people might crash the gate. Luckily, nothing happened. As I made my way back to the tent, I realized that there were a LOT of people there (someone said upwards of 9000) and the dust kicked up in the air in front of the setting sun was a picturesque moment. We met at the campsite, where my one friend was super drunk and the other was tripping. The tripping friend put a 10 strip (10 hits of acid) in a spray bottle, diluted it somewhat, and was walking around spraying people. We played with bubbles while Umphreys Macgee played a killer show in front of us. Our neighbor passed out and we thought he'd OD'd because he wouldn't get up. We wandered through the woods trying to find a trampoline but found it was already in use. We carried our supplies to the Starshine stage where Pretty Lights was playing, and there was a good 4000 people there. They put on a great show in the setting sun and you could see planes and smoke rising over the field. After Pretty Lights I met back with my friends. My good friend and I carried our supplies to the Moe show, who were headlining the event. We set up our cooler, blanket and chair and sat around talking and getting drunk. They put on an AWESOME show. After that we walked around telling people that we were selling STDS, organs and slave children. We met a lot of cool people. That night was the best. We then headed to the campfire and listened to the group try to start the show. We went back and passed out in the tent around 3am.
I woke up early that next morning. We decided we would leave that night instead of stay until Monday, mostly because it was too hot and we were low on supplies. My one friend was cool with it, but our other friend wanted to stay so he could trip and watch "The Wall". He kept spraying us with the LSD-laced water and tried to get us drunk. I went to see "that 1 guy" and was at the gate. He put on an AWESOME show. After that we walked around and then went to see The Avett Brothers, who put on an epic show despite playing in direct sunlight at 95 degree weather. After that we went to see Dweezil Zappa and G Love play at the Sunshine tent. We sat in the shade while little hippie kids shot marshmallows in our mouths. We went to see Slightly Stoopid then headed to see our last Moe show. After that we gathered our stuff and saw the last MOE show. It was amazing. There were so many people there, and my one friend took 10 hits of acid. He was tripping so hard he made me record the entire show on his Ipod Touch. We smoked 3 blunts (one unknowingly laced with Acid by our tripping friend) then carried the stuff to the car. Some guy had passed out behind our car and we were stuck. We tried to wake him up and he started convulsing. We got the medics but he got up and walked away in time. We never hit a road block like people said there would be. We stopped in Peoria and got some drinks and gas, then drove home taking the backroads. We dropped off our tripping friend, then made it to our house for a shower and food. After that we crashed.
So overall, a good weekend.
As some of you may have read it my recent journal, I was attending a hippie music festival known as "Summer Camp" in Chillicothe, IL.
The festival was, in one word, hot. You could also say crowded, dirty, unbearable, exposed...and fun as hell.
On Thursday night I packed up and went to visit my bank. Unfortunately I only had $100 (not enough for a 3 day weekend, especially when ice costs 3 bucks a bag). My banks ATM was being resupplied and every other ATM I visited would not let me get money. In the end I gave up and drove to Peoria. I made it there and met up with my other friend, who already had a VIP wristband. We got our Late Night tickets and left to return to Peoria, a good 10 minutes away. My friend was working until 9pm so we met him at Krogers. He was finishing work so we decided to shop for supplies, including toys that us hippies tend to enjoy playing with (bubbles, streamers, glowsticks, balls, hoops). I managed to break a baton so I brought that along. We stopped at his house for more supplies then to Taco Bell for food. We made it back to camp at around 11pm. We had a long walk, including a 60lb cooler, three chairs and several hundred bags, all of which was checked as security. We walked half a mile to our campsite, which was located directly in front of the "Sunshine Stage", located in front of an open field with stalls. Also, right next to the bathroom stalls. We built the tents and smoked a little herb, then went to bed after chatting with our neighbors. We stayed up in our tents for an hour talking anonymously people, some were girls who wanted to go to sleep and the others were three guys pretending to be animals.
We were woken up by a girl shouting "Wake Up! You got a full day at Summer Camp!" So we got up. By 8am it was already 75 degrees. We walked to the Sunshine stage and played Hackey Sack and Frisbee. At about noon I drove back home to pick up my check and more supplies from Walmart. It was a fun time to sit in the AC during the hour long drive. I managed to make it back and carried 60lbs of groceries to the tent. My friends were sitting in direct sunlight complaining how hot it was, and were already starting to burn up. I started flying a kite, then we went and saw a few shows. Nothing special. I took some LSD and they took some mushrooms, and we went to the "moonshine" stage to see another band play. It was packed. Rothbury (another major midwestern festival) had been canceled that year so everyone was coming to SummerCamp. Some hippie bought the rest of my LSD, and I was sure he was a cop because I was tripping. We came back to the tent and spent a long time trying to gather things together. We had water coolers on our backs and spray fans. When I first started tripping I went to see Umphrey's MacGee who put on a STELLAR show, besides the fact that I was standing next to a skinny old redneck who stood there looking bored as hell. After that I went to see Government Mule with my friend while the other went to see Bassnectar. While they we heard that GARY COLEMAN had died. Afterwards we went to campfire "late night" show. Our Bassnectar friend stayed behind to drink, but we got there in time to see the fire had gone out. Some people put on an impromptu bluegrass band (about 5 guys) and that attracted a huge crowd. Eventually people began to show up, all of us wondering WHEN they were going to start the fire. Eventually some people threw on logs and a hippie with a head full of glow sticks sprayed beer on it and it came to life. Finally the band started and people were dancing next to the fire, which was so large we had to shield our faces from the heat. My friend left because he was tripping too hard, but I stayed behind. I watched people pass a "snake" made of glowsticks around the camp fire, then I returned back. I grabbed my laptop and we started watching "Ren and Stimpy" while tripping hardcore. I fell asleep but my friend couldn't get any rest.
The next day we woke up at 8am again, only now it was 80 degrees in the tent. We drove into Peoria and ate at Denny's. We cleaned up in the bathrooms and talked to a waitress about the camp (she wanted to go but was too busy working). We had huge appetites but were unable to eat much. We went to Schnucks to buy blunts and glowsticks. We then drove back just in time to see Rebelution and Steel Pulse (two reggae bands) up front in 90 degree, direct sunlight. After walking around for a bit and trying to cool down with 6 dollar Lemon Shakeups, I took 3 hits of acid and stood up front to see KELLER WILLIAMS!!! Quite an amazing show, and it wasn't so bad to be in the sun because people would spray us with water. Right before the show started a girl passed out at the gate and started throwing up from the heat. I used a whole camera on Keller. Once it was over and people were chanting for an encore, the crowd started getting a little restless because Keller wasn't allowed back on (they were on a strict show schedule and Keller overplayed by 5 minutes). People were cursing and booing the roadies and began chanting about Keller. The intensity of their chants made me nervous and I left thinking people might crash the gate. Luckily, nothing happened. As I made my way back to the tent, I realized that there were a LOT of people there (someone said upwards of 9000) and the dust kicked up in the air in front of the setting sun was a picturesque moment. We met at the campsite, where my one friend was super drunk and the other was tripping. The tripping friend put a 10 strip (10 hits of acid) in a spray bottle, diluted it somewhat, and was walking around spraying people. We played with bubbles while Umphreys Macgee played a killer show in front of us. Our neighbor passed out and we thought he'd OD'd because he wouldn't get up. We wandered through the woods trying to find a trampoline but found it was already in use. We carried our supplies to the Starshine stage where Pretty Lights was playing, and there was a good 4000 people there. They put on a great show in the setting sun and you could see planes and smoke rising over the field. After Pretty Lights I met back with my friends. My good friend and I carried our supplies to the Moe show, who were headlining the event. We set up our cooler, blanket and chair and sat around talking and getting drunk. They put on an AWESOME show. After that we walked around telling people that we were selling STDS, organs and slave children. We met a lot of cool people. That night was the best. We then headed to the campfire and listened to the group try to start the show. We went back and passed out in the tent around 3am.
I woke up early that next morning. We decided we would leave that night instead of stay until Monday, mostly because it was too hot and we were low on supplies. My one friend was cool with it, but our other friend wanted to stay so he could trip and watch "The Wall". He kept spraying us with the LSD-laced water and tried to get us drunk. I went to see "that 1 guy" and was at the gate. He put on an AWESOME show. After that we walked around and then went to see The Avett Brothers, who put on an epic show despite playing in direct sunlight at 95 degree weather. After that we went to see Dweezil Zappa and G Love play at the Sunshine tent. We sat in the shade while little hippie kids shot marshmallows in our mouths. We went to see Slightly Stoopid then headed to see our last Moe show. After that we gathered our stuff and saw the last MOE show. It was amazing. There were so many people there, and my one friend took 10 hits of acid. He was tripping so hard he made me record the entire show on his Ipod Touch. We smoked 3 blunts (one unknowingly laced with Acid by our tripping friend) then carried the stuff to the car. Some guy had passed out behind our car and we were stuck. We tried to wake him up and he started convulsing. We got the medics but he got up and walked away in time. We never hit a road block like people said there would be. We stopped in Peoria and got some drinks and gas, then drove home taking the backroads. We dropped off our tripping friend, then made it to our house for a shower and food. After that we crashed.
So overall, a good weekend.
To you furries and your conventions....
Posted 15 years agoWe HIPPIES also have a vast meeting place where we can be ourselves, be free, and leave the judgmental casting hand of society's "normies" at the door.
We call them Music festivals =)
In an hour I'm leaving to Peoria to attend a music festival known as "Summer Camp". There will be music, partying, awesome vendors and performers, and ALL the things you could think to ingest.
I'll see you Sunday!
We call them Music festivals =)
In an hour I'm leaving to Peoria to attend a music festival known as "Summer Camp". There will be music, partying, awesome vendors and performers, and ALL the things you could think to ingest.
I'll see you Sunday!
Things I hate (meme)
Posted 15 years agoFound that because there's nothing interesting going on in my life right now, I'll use a meme.
That actually isn't true. There's too many interesting things going on right now that I can't even comment on all of them. High School Graduation (good riddance) and my divorced parents becoming neighbors is as detailed as I'll get.
Anyways, allowing myself to be pessimistic in the face of sleep deprivation, here goes.
*the "Twilight" series. I realize all ideas have been done, but this idea has been overplayed WAY too much. They're selling softcore porn to pubescent girls, gay guys and menopausal mothers.
*the "Twilight" fans. It's hard to account for 1700+ giggling, screeching girls and it's almost midnight. I have school in the morning. Get your popcorn, get your seat, and stop asking me what "team" I'm on. I'm "team Helsing".
* Rude, unruly customers. I gave you an apology for the picture not working- something I have absolutely no control over- you don't need to chew me out and blame me for the outrageous price of popcorn.
*Cheap people (aka rude customers). I understand that $5.50 for a small popcorn is expensive, but you work full-time. I make slightly more than minimum wage and I can't afford gas AND an apartment. I didn't MAKE you come here and spend $40 at corporate-set prices.
*Online drama. Enough said.
*Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, IM....anything of the sort. Let's just HANG OUT in the same room, alright? Which leads me to the next thing....
*Cellphone addiction. Quit texting while I'm trying to have a conversation.
*Comedies. The majority are anything BUT funny.
*Horror movies. The majority are anything BUT scary.
*Remakes and sequels of movies. You got it right the first time- leave it alone!
*People who are always moody. I'm manic-depressive and it's no problem to fake a good mood.
*Math...enough said.
*Jocks, sports freaks, athlet-aholics, weightlifters. Be healthy but quit bragging. And seriously, how practical is being able to bench 700lbs? Try curling it and see how strong you are.
*Country music
*Severe patriotism
*My country
*People who laugh obnoxiously at everything, regardless of if it's funny or not.
*Younger people who try to boss you around
*Bullies
*People who don't stick up for themselves
*Guys who find every excuse to take their shirt off.
*Itchy scalp
*People who want to talk to me right after I wake up.
*Waking up in the morning
*Sleeping all day
*Belligerent people
*Stupid people doing stupid things
*Streaming videos that refuse to load.
*Prohibitonists
*Those who still believe marijuana is a narcotic that kills brain cells and is more dangerous than cigarettes
*People who want to get drunk ALL THE TIME
*Vore, scat, inflation, EXTREME porn
*Hair on the sink after shaving that can't get cleaned up.
*People who shout or spit whenever they talk
*Skaters
*Juggalos
*Metal-heads
*Rednecks (because Hillbillies are MUCH cooler)
*Bigotry
*When my favorite musicians sell out
*People who want to discuss the movie while we're STILL WATCHING IT
*Tailgaters and all-around bad drivers
*People who reply to "Thank You" with "Yep"....I don't know why, that seems really rude,
*People who get violent when you say something slightly insulting about them.
*People who litter
*People.
*Ryan Reynolds
*Lady Gaga and her "costumes"
*Bad Hosts
*Bad Guests
*Bad spelling and grammar
Well....that's about all I can think of right now.
That actually isn't true. There's too many interesting things going on right now that I can't even comment on all of them. High School Graduation (good riddance) and my divorced parents becoming neighbors is as detailed as I'll get.
Anyways, allowing myself to be pessimistic in the face of sleep deprivation, here goes.
*the "Twilight" series. I realize all ideas have been done, but this idea has been overplayed WAY too much. They're selling softcore porn to pubescent girls, gay guys and menopausal mothers.
*the "Twilight" fans. It's hard to account for 1700+ giggling, screeching girls and it's almost midnight. I have school in the morning. Get your popcorn, get your seat, and stop asking me what "team" I'm on. I'm "team Helsing".
* Rude, unruly customers. I gave you an apology for the picture not working- something I have absolutely no control over- you don't need to chew me out and blame me for the outrageous price of popcorn.
*Cheap people (aka rude customers). I understand that $5.50 for a small popcorn is expensive, but you work full-time. I make slightly more than minimum wage and I can't afford gas AND an apartment. I didn't MAKE you come here and spend $40 at corporate-set prices.
*Online drama. Enough said.
*Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, IM....anything of the sort. Let's just HANG OUT in the same room, alright? Which leads me to the next thing....
*Cellphone addiction. Quit texting while I'm trying to have a conversation.
*Comedies. The majority are anything BUT funny.
*Horror movies. The majority are anything BUT scary.
*Remakes and sequels of movies. You got it right the first time- leave it alone!
*People who are always moody. I'm manic-depressive and it's no problem to fake a good mood.
*Math...enough said.
*Jocks, sports freaks, athlet-aholics, weightlifters. Be healthy but quit bragging. And seriously, how practical is being able to bench 700lbs? Try curling it and see how strong you are.
*Country music
*Severe patriotism
*My country
*People who laugh obnoxiously at everything, regardless of if it's funny or not.
*Younger people who try to boss you around
*Bullies
*People who don't stick up for themselves
*Guys who find every excuse to take their shirt off.
*Itchy scalp
*People who want to talk to me right after I wake up.
*Waking up in the morning
*Sleeping all day
*Belligerent people
*Stupid people doing stupid things
*Streaming videos that refuse to load.
*Prohibitonists
*Those who still believe marijuana is a narcotic that kills brain cells and is more dangerous than cigarettes
*People who want to get drunk ALL THE TIME
*Vore, scat, inflation, EXTREME porn
*Hair on the sink after shaving that can't get cleaned up.
*People who shout or spit whenever they talk
*Skaters
*Juggalos
*Metal-heads
*Rednecks (because Hillbillies are MUCH cooler)
*Bigotry
*When my favorite musicians sell out
*People who want to discuss the movie while we're STILL WATCHING IT
*Tailgaters and all-around bad drivers
*People who reply to "Thank You" with "Yep"....I don't know why, that seems really rude,
*People who get violent when you say something slightly insulting about them.
*People who litter
*People.
*Ryan Reynolds
*Lady Gaga and her "costumes"
*Bad Hosts
*Bad Guests
*Bad spelling and grammar
Well....that's about all I can think of right now.
So I guess I'm back
Posted 15 years agoHey all.
I'll clear these up first.
1) I'm not rejoining the fandom
2) I'm not doing any more sexual dolphin stories
3) I'm not doing any art....but I guess ya'll knew that =)
After a long break from FurAffinity, I decided I missed friends above all else. That, and there's really no reason to blog without some incentive to come to the site (I love gay furry/scaly pron =3).
Right now I'm working on a book.
Yes, a real one. Not a novella.
For those of you who remember, "Hearts and Souls" will be the working title of a 300+ psychological thriller I plan to write/self publish. The book is rated (?) PG-13 for violence and language. But while there will be dolphins, there won't be sex.
I'm free to talk to people again =) But please, don't IM me. I don't enjoy talking to people in a rapid pace unless we're in the same room. I'm very serious about that- I absolutely HATE instant messaging and WILL NOT respond to requests.
Glad to see all your happy faces again =)
-Del
I'll clear these up first.
1) I'm not rejoining the fandom
2) I'm not doing any more sexual dolphin stories
3) I'm not doing any art....but I guess ya'll knew that =)
After a long break from FurAffinity, I decided I missed friends above all else. That, and there's really no reason to blog without some incentive to come to the site (I love gay furry/scaly pron =3).
Right now I'm working on a book.
Yes, a real one. Not a novella.
For those of you who remember, "Hearts and Souls" will be the working title of a 300+ psychological thriller I plan to write/self publish. The book is rated (?) PG-13 for violence and language. But while there will be dolphins, there won't be sex.
I'm free to talk to people again =) But please, don't IM me. I don't enjoy talking to people in a rapid pace unless we're in the same room. I'm very serious about that- I absolutely HATE instant messaging and WILL NOT respond to requests.
Glad to see all your happy faces again =)
-Del
