FA is back so am I >:P
This is will last journal about me in near time, I'm just back to work as an artist and try to show you more of my arts . ✦ ˚

In short, they didn't help me much and I'll have to find a psychotherapist myself with whom I'll work on myself and my mental health. I'll have routine checkups to better select antidepressants and tranquilizers, but overall I'm left alone with the problem and in addition to drawing I'll have to do this too. Otherwise, I may be hospitalized by force because I am a danger to myself. Most likely I will look for a part-time job and do more creative work to improve in this craft .So, despite all the things I suddenly have to do in my life, I will try to draw more and interact with you, my audience and friends~
I still feel really bad and I still think that it was a shame that I didn't kill myself, but hey, living in depression for 25 years and not doing anything about it just because I'm sure that I can commit suicide doesn't just go away. Khem.

So, I'm keep going, I guess <:1

For context, here are the previous journals about what happened in my life:
Update about treatment and assistance to those who care;
Failed suicide attempt;

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˚ ✦ . Curent Commission Queue . ✦ ˚
1# — dragon ref-sheet  randomperson35 [Done]
2# — dragon shield  wheatley76 [Done]
3# — 3 Disco Elysium Portrait  randomperson35
4# — bird dancer  springtrapped.
5# — dragon lingerie  Zups
6# — dragon dead without head  bahamut_256

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Thank you all for attention in me and my art <3

Everything was fine, but now some crap is happening again and I'm only person what need to blame for all this. I'm sorry.

I hurt myself badly. It was right arm, not enought for cut ability to write, but enought for bleed out completely. If I hadn't changed my mind at the last moment, then most likely I would no longer exist. I was scared. I chickened out. I know I should have just jumped from the third floor and that would have been enough to break my neck, but I did the first thing that came to mind and here is the result - I'm still alive. Broken. Hurt. And without money.

Ussually I take money only for nessesarry things: food, rent, tooth care. Just because I don't care about myself, I hate myself and want to die so I always have barely enough to live. But... if I can't kill myself I need to think what to do now. Because this attempt did not go unnoticed by my landlord and I don't know what she'll deside. Keep me or look for another person. And I'm scared as hell right now.
Maybe this is because I almost died and now hurt, weak, my arm on fire and etc. what's going on my mind or maybe I just trying to make a plan for keep thing going. Not loose my mind completely and, at least, draw commissions what I have for now( I'm sorry again, I'm so sorry...)

But for drawing I need to my arm healed (at least) and I need to be healthy enoght to sit on the PC. And this not to mention that I'm going to see a psychiatrist on Monday for further instructions and maybe he will give me prescription on some meds, what will costs too. And another problem with landlord who can toss me on the street because I'm crazy depressive shit...

So I asking for help. Asking for help my audience, because I don't have family or close friends on real live. I only have you, people who accept my art and give me reason to live. In future I want to be a good artist and draw a good nsfw comics, but for now I'm smoll stupid bird who realized in fucking 25 yeas that "I can't escape with suicide. So I need to be better."

I'm asking for help not just for pretty eyes. I myself am to blame for what happened and I will try to work it out as best I can.

I'll take any commission with any idea, I have second acc with more light and "friendly" art -  BlackCacaduArt . Due to the queue of comms, I will be able to draw yours within the deadline of about 3 months. If it's sketch or something smoll - I can do it in 2 days.

Here's the info about commissions: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10952879/

Please, help me and I'll try my best to fix all this shit with myself and bring to live rpojects, what I can show you. If you can, please, share this journal with your friends or just pin on acc. I'll be very, very gratefull for that.

Thank you all for attention. It means, really, a lot to me.

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Goal: 440!!!/300$

It's in Russian(because it's only language what I know almost good), but there I'll post my thoughts, some sketches and stages of work for the commission (and also non furry content). Welcome in, if you're interested, of course <:3
Here the link:
https://t.me/+OIJszQbh_ho5YjIy
https://t.me/+OIJszQbh_ho5YjIy
https://t.me/+OIJszQbh_ho5YjIy