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I wonder.
General | Posted 2 years agoHI all,
Flurry I think is going to write to you this time. My personal self has kind of checked out tonight and well, he needs a break. I haven't been journalling in while and I wonder that myself. Did life move past the point where I write about my problems to people on a personal level. Did I move past the struggles of an outside place to find myself grasping at friendships. R wrote a letter before he left to go to Washington. He was my closest friend these past two years. I journalled about him in previous journals, but he wrote me. I don't want to read it as it is more personal than things I want to get into, but it was a fun time we had.
I've been with my girlfriend for the past 6 months I am writing you. 3 of those months are now searching for a new apartment to move in together. I've grown really close to her, and she has been really busy with college. She is going to PA school this next year and will be apart for her few years that she is in college still. I will see her just not as often, but I've been, and she has been in long distance relationships before that will see each other enough to not make the distance unbearable.
I am doing well in my master's for clinical psychology. I've been burnt out from the semester and need to work on my communication skills though i have said that a lot in my journals. It is the truth and I know it can be improved the more I talk with people the better I'll be at it.
I wonder where I'll go in the next 6 months or what the world will be like. Elections are coming up and well I'm always the nervous one. I wonder about the future but i live in the present. I guess it is part of the idea that I want to be prepared for the future but in doing so i miss the point of the now. The tangible is also important. Being a good boyfriend, being a good friend, and being good to myself. Being the best you, will make the world better. Rome wasn't built in a day is a saying that kind of sums that idea up. It takes steps and choices and a commitment to look deep inside yourself to change. Rome (You) wasn't made the way it was by one decision it was made by millions of choices that formed you. I think we or I forget that everyone has a choice, some harder than others to look at themselves and try to find the best Rome in you. A friendship may faulter an argument maybe had. However, if you're afraid to face the next day because of it there is no joy to life. If you quit on you and a bad decision, then you don't have the beauty of changing that decision. I am not going through this now but looking back on it I wonder if it would have been better just to keep realizing that people have bad days too. Sometimes we are just in the wrong place. The wrong time. Well, I think you know what I mean.
Maybe it doesn't have to be the end of my tale, my story has many years left and the choices are just starting. I like it here in this space. the paradox of being yourself and changing for the better is simple. You were never born perfect. nobody is but you're given the tools to do perfectly what you are capable of doing.
Wishing you the best,
Flurry^^
Flurry I think is going to write to you this time. My personal self has kind of checked out tonight and well, he needs a break. I haven't been journalling in while and I wonder that myself. Did life move past the point where I write about my problems to people on a personal level. Did I move past the struggles of an outside place to find myself grasping at friendships. R wrote a letter before he left to go to Washington. He was my closest friend these past two years. I journalled about him in previous journals, but he wrote me. I don't want to read it as it is more personal than things I want to get into, but it was a fun time we had.
I've been with my girlfriend for the past 6 months I am writing you. 3 of those months are now searching for a new apartment to move in together. I've grown really close to her, and she has been really busy with college. She is going to PA school this next year and will be apart for her few years that she is in college still. I will see her just not as often, but I've been, and she has been in long distance relationships before that will see each other enough to not make the distance unbearable.
I am doing well in my master's for clinical psychology. I've been burnt out from the semester and need to work on my communication skills though i have said that a lot in my journals. It is the truth and I know it can be improved the more I talk with people the better I'll be at it.
I wonder where I'll go in the next 6 months or what the world will be like. Elections are coming up and well I'm always the nervous one. I wonder about the future but i live in the present. I guess it is part of the idea that I want to be prepared for the future but in doing so i miss the point of the now. The tangible is also important. Being a good boyfriend, being a good friend, and being good to myself. Being the best you, will make the world better. Rome wasn't built in a day is a saying that kind of sums that idea up. It takes steps and choices and a commitment to look deep inside yourself to change. Rome (You) wasn't made the way it was by one decision it was made by millions of choices that formed you. I think we or I forget that everyone has a choice, some harder than others to look at themselves and try to find the best Rome in you. A friendship may faulter an argument maybe had. However, if you're afraid to face the next day because of it there is no joy to life. If you quit on you and a bad decision, then you don't have the beauty of changing that decision. I am not going through this now but looking back on it I wonder if it would have been better just to keep realizing that people have bad days too. Sometimes we are just in the wrong place. The wrong time. Well, I think you know what I mean.
Maybe it doesn't have to be the end of my tale, my story has many years left and the choices are just starting. I like it here in this space. the paradox of being yourself and changing for the better is simple. You were never born perfect. nobody is but you're given the tools to do perfectly what you are capable of doing.
Wishing you the best,
Flurry^^
Journal entry (not sure anymore on number)
General | Posted 2 years agoHey, I'm doing alright. I've been in a motivational slump the past few days. I went to Cancun this month with my friend who has family down there and we spent the week of my birthday in some of the parks down there. I left Therapy but I'm still working on the things that I have learned. I'm in sort of a debate with another semester coming up. I started working on a master's in psychology counseling and getting A's in my course work. Grant it I just started and it's bound to change but hopefully not. Keeping my head level, I'm learning a new system at work and trying to master it for my future there or short-term future there. I have a girlfriend and she has been really wonderful.
I'm more or less being better at getting a system that allows me to be myself instead of just trying to be some ideal version of myself. I don't want to force success just try and take it one step at a time. I guess what I mean by that is that I'm still working on myself and kind of in a relationship now. Its nice because I have someone to talk to. Pacing is kind of where I'm at. I'm tired again and kind of burned out. I forced myself to talk more and open up. I need to really work on my vocabulary and trying to communicate better than what I have been doing. Like therapy, I need to practice what I learned more. Journeying is never a straight line its a lot bumps and trees and hills and mountains. I don't really know, so cliché its kind of funny. I've been thinking, its good to change and work on myself and yeah it is. maybe, I just leave it at that. I don't know how word what I want to say.
I haven't been feeling like myself and I'm not sure that is a good thing. I think, people that I know miss the point. Working on myself isn't always a invitation to share a opinion IRL. I appreciate them, but I don't like that the focus is on what is wrong with me all the time. I need better topics.
Anyway that is what is going on with me. I'm pretty happy with my life.
Best,
Flurry
I'm more or less being better at getting a system that allows me to be myself instead of just trying to be some ideal version of myself. I don't want to force success just try and take it one step at a time. I guess what I mean by that is that I'm still working on myself and kind of in a relationship now. Its nice because I have someone to talk to. Pacing is kind of where I'm at. I'm tired again and kind of burned out. I forced myself to talk more and open up. I need to really work on my vocabulary and trying to communicate better than what I have been doing. Like therapy, I need to practice what I learned more. Journeying is never a straight line its a lot bumps and trees and hills and mountains. I don't really know, so cliché its kind of funny. I've been thinking, its good to change and work on myself and yeah it is. maybe, I just leave it at that. I don't know how word what I want to say.
I haven't been feeling like myself and I'm not sure that is a good thing. I think, people that I know miss the point. Working on myself isn't always a invitation to share a opinion IRL. I appreciate them, but I don't like that the focus is on what is wrong with me all the time. I need better topics.
Anyway that is what is going on with me. I'm pretty happy with my life.
Best,
Flurry
What I have learned in the past few months.
General | Posted 2 years agoYou can't change what you don't perceive as broken. It's interesting that nothing changed just that. Well that my life sometimes doesn't happen on how I control it but how life hits me. Not that I can't control some aspects of it in the way of what I financially and disciplinarily do. However, the "why" is still not answered and probably will not be. I have had more women come up to me and give me numbers in the last few weeks being with my new GF then the last 10 years. it's funny, 1 woman gave me their number at a Fallout boy concert, and another asked me if I wanted to dance at a club I was with my GF at. Another woman talked to me at the NF concert as well. I didn't act on it and did tell them I have a GF but it was interesting, and I took note. Nothing changed just that I have a GF. I don't count that I went through therapy, I learned to cook and learned to long board because it didn't lead to what has happened with a lot of the events. it's hard to measure what is successful just that my confidence went way up with someone than without someone. I need still to work on my self-worth. Still to keep pushing myself to not beat myself up so much. I'm lucky to have someone who really likes me and respects a lot of the flaws about me. I'm glad she gave me a chance so I'm going to be as best as I can with her. I don't think I deserve love but I'm glad I have it. She still doesn't know I'm a furry TwT
Best,
Flurry^^
Best,
Flurry^^
I am dating now
General | Posted 2 years agoI have a girlfriend now and we have been seeing each other for the past 2 months. I don't want to talk about details to much, but I am very happy with her and being around her. She is a very humble and kind person.
Wishing you the best,
Flurry^^
Wishing you the best,
Flurry^^
what is next for me.
General | Posted 2 years agoI ended therapy this last month. The therapist said that I was good not me this time and I let things kind of go. I as well practiced what I was told. I feel like I can talk to anyone though the idea of a relationship is still a part of me. I am over my ex just not the idea of the relationship. It makes me look desperate I am told. I wish I was more attractive though I don't think that is why I am still single. My friends I have been feeling being used by them right now and idk how to like cope with the idea of it. I don't know what to think but I do know I should try and make as many friends as possible.
I am thinking of moving away from Minnesota. Being single here and with the death of my grandpa last year I think "R" was right I need to take a huge risk move away from family and live on my own. I also need to get away from Minnesota. I have both good and bad memories here and well with what I have been hearing from people around me. I don't think I am going to find anyone here anyway. Portland Oregon is on my list, but Seatle Washington and Pennsylvania are on the list as well. This probably will not happen for a bit but hopefully I get a job out there and move away from this place.
I am thinking of moving away from Minnesota. Being single here and with the death of my grandpa last year I think "R" was right I need to take a huge risk move away from family and live on my own. I also need to get away from Minnesota. I have both good and bad memories here and well with what I have been hearing from people around me. I don't think I am going to find anyone here anyway. Portland Oregon is on my list, but Seatle Washington and Pennsylvania are on the list as well. This probably will not happen for a bit but hopefully I get a job out there and move away from this place.
My word definition for Love has changed.
General | Posted 2 years agoLove can be defined with many things, it is based on the choices of the individuals interests through many experiences which perspective leads you too (Whether lead by others or the level of extroversion of the individual in question). We don't find love everywhere because we don't love all things, not in the sense of the loss of love or hate as a definition of the lack of love. I think that some close themselves off from experience as a sense of "turn away/offs" or they feel they will not like something. We don't innately hate things without a previous experience or hate is a replacement to the fear of the unknown (Racism or discrimination to denominations of opposing sects). However Hate and Love can come into moral arguments of feeling to a subject. Examples are LGBTQ+ rights, abortions( pro-life/pro-choice), livable wage, American dream (Contextually is a expectation to the average American and also a goal of what success looks like that can lead to many who don't achieve it to become depressed because the goal isn't achievable to a lot of people now with high inflation etc.). So I guess I define love as a correlation to passion because they intertwine with each other in other contextual experiences of I guess "birds and bees" or music or arguments close to the individual experience etc. So, Love is intertwined through experience with the generation of passion or is passion the real word of love that we experience? hmmm how to define that... well passion is used as a action while the word love is a generalized word that we use to define what passion is so love has to be the dominating word. I passion you is just weird to say as well lol ^^. So take-away or why I did this? I question whether the word is really defined right... Also I think that it goes back to the scout law. Love is not in the law but other words that are listed of good moral character. I think that love can be misconstrued and not added to the law because of the other contexts. The law is "a scout is Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, Reverent." They are supposed to be the definition of a good moral character guy. however when I was earning my Eagle my Scoutmaster asked me in our last meeting before my Board of Review "Would I change any in the Law?" After a few minutes I said I would change Brave to Courage because brave is to innate while courage is earned through trial. If we were all brave than fear would be Undefined Courage is the word to combat inspite of fear. Love was my second choice because a person can't live without some commitment to themselves to chase love. I think ill try to define the Law and what it means to me. Probably through this a definition of myself may rise from this.
The definition of Love for me personally not the ideal me in IRL context not theoretical perspective:
Love is conditional, you can't force someone to love you. If the pool of love is not in your favor, you end up spending months without a match on online sites and spending money on dates that never happen. You talk with a bunch of people who invite you to parties because of your vibe but you know deep down you want to ask them out just to see that they don't go for people like you. You realized that love isn't always person to person but the love of what you do. You love psychology. you study your masters for 12 hours a week and still have time to party and write papers. Your 26 and turning 27 in less than 3 months. next month will mark a year of being without your hero. I know he would be proud of what you do. You're learning to cook next week and trying to make yourself something you created in your sketch books as a kid. Who you wanted to be. Your missing golf and camping. really you want a chance for a camping trip because you have gone 2 years since your last one. You are the only one that is going to truly love you. If someone loves, you at your worst. They will love you at your best but that doesn't apply under my circumstances.
The definition of Love for me personally not the ideal me in IRL context not theoretical perspective:
Love is conditional, you can't force someone to love you. If the pool of love is not in your favor, you end up spending months without a match on online sites and spending money on dates that never happen. You talk with a bunch of people who invite you to parties because of your vibe but you know deep down you want to ask them out just to see that they don't go for people like you. You realized that love isn't always person to person but the love of what you do. You love psychology. you study your masters for 12 hours a week and still have time to party and write papers. Your 26 and turning 27 in less than 3 months. next month will mark a year of being without your hero. I know he would be proud of what you do. You're learning to cook next week and trying to make yourself something you created in your sketch books as a kid. Who you wanted to be. Your missing golf and camping. really you want a chance for a camping trip because you have gone 2 years since your last one. You are the only one that is going to truly love you. If someone loves, you at your worst. They will love you at your best but that doesn't apply under my circumstances.
My worries
General | Posted 2 years agoHey, ^^
So, I got home tonight and went to the gym ran for about an hour and kind of just listened to music and reflected on the day. I have been going to therapy for a few months now and I'm kind of running out of things to talk about. I don't know if it is a good thing but it seems like things are going both good and bad right now. good as in I don't have a lot holding me back right now. bad as in my boss and basically everyone kind of knows I'm going for a psychology degree. For me i just want to help people but I think since you know people care about talking about the money part of it I kind of get caught up in the lead into that conversation and it feels like I'm only doing it for that reason. I want to say that is not the case and like them to believe me. I just know like I can't, so it is like do I just ignore it? I guess I mean it is my life and maybe i should just be myself always like my therapist says to just be what your values are. I don't know if i did the right thing by going for my degree because its turning my life at work into kind of this being ignored stage. Like i don't exist which i don't know if i can blame them i mean i did go for a psychology degree which isn't like having anything to do with chemistry. I just wanted it for myself. I wanted to do it for myself even before i got her and now because of me being open i can't help but feel kind of burnt again. I guess that is my worry though is that because i improved my life got both worse and better in separate ways. I just want to do a psychology degree for no regrets in my life. I want to at least try for it and if i get there great if i don't at least i tried. I just wish people would understand but i get why they don't perception wise. Hopefully it gets better with time and i get better with time.
Wishing you the best^^
flurry
So, I got home tonight and went to the gym ran for about an hour and kind of just listened to music and reflected on the day. I have been going to therapy for a few months now and I'm kind of running out of things to talk about. I don't know if it is a good thing but it seems like things are going both good and bad right now. good as in I don't have a lot holding me back right now. bad as in my boss and basically everyone kind of knows I'm going for a psychology degree. For me i just want to help people but I think since you know people care about talking about the money part of it I kind of get caught up in the lead into that conversation and it feels like I'm only doing it for that reason. I want to say that is not the case and like them to believe me. I just know like I can't, so it is like do I just ignore it? I guess I mean it is my life and maybe i should just be myself always like my therapist says to just be what your values are. I don't know if i did the right thing by going for my degree because its turning my life at work into kind of this being ignored stage. Like i don't exist which i don't know if i can blame them i mean i did go for a psychology degree which isn't like having anything to do with chemistry. I just wanted it for myself. I wanted to do it for myself even before i got her and now because of me being open i can't help but feel kind of burnt again. I guess that is my worry though is that because i improved my life got both worse and better in separate ways. I just want to do a psychology degree for no regrets in my life. I want to at least try for it and if i get there great if i don't at least i tried. I just wish people would understand but i get why they don't perception wise. Hopefully it gets better with time and i get better with time.
Wishing you the best^^
flurry
Made a impression on some people
General | Posted 2 years agoIt was two of my friends birthdays tonight they both are not related but have the same birthday so we celebrated both. met some of "J" friend which I haven't introduced And E which I have. "J" is a good friend. he is a nice guy and has many friends. One of them is from Moldova and I think studies here but I don't know he has a girlfriend and seems to have his stuff together. Fun guy and super nice. Most of his other friends are from Columbia Guatemala and other Central American regions which makes me want to learn Spanish more (Hehe) to keep up with them. They are fun and super like understanding! Having a great time getting to know them hopefully I learn Spanish quickly though "R" says to get a Latino girlfriend and that's the best way to learn (lol). I don't think I can make that joke but him being Mexican I think he can xp! Can't wait for Cancun but only going with "R" and "E" to that however it will be a blast I'm sure ^^
Signing off and hopefully in spanish
Buenos Noches hasta mañana
P.S. I have a few drinks in me sorry TwT
Flurry ^^
Signing off and hopefully in spanish
Buenos Noches hasta mañana
P.S. I have a few drinks in me sorry TwT
Flurry ^^
Favorite song of this week
General | Posted 2 years agoSong: HAPPY by NF
Dear God, please
Hear me out, I know it's been a couple years
Since I've reached
Out and said hello, I bet you're wondering
Why I keep
Obsessing on and stressing all the little things
When I should be
Living life and soaking up the memories
I know I've been
Selfish, I have
No excuse to give you it's true
Hanging by a
Thread's how I live
I don't know why but
I feel more comfortable
Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
Yeah, been this way so long, it feels like something's off
When I'm not depressed
I got some issues that I won't address
I got some baggage I ain't opened yet
I got some demons I should put to rest
I got some traumas that I can't forget
I got some phone calls I been avoidin'
Some family members I don't really connect with
Some things I said I wish I would of not let slip
Some hurtful words that never should of left my lips
Some bridges burned, I'm not ready to rebuild yet
Some insecurities I haven't dealt with, yes
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a lonely soul
And the last to admit I need a hand to hold
Losing hope
Headed down a dangerous road
Strange, I know
But I feel most at home when I'm
Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
Don't know what's around the bend
Don't know what my future is
But I can't keep on livin' in
Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
If I was happy
If I was happy
Dear God, please
Hear me out, I know it's been a couple years
Since I've reached
Out and said hello, I bet you're wondering
Why I keep
Obsessing on and stressing all the little things
When I should be
Living life and soaking up the memories
I know I've been
Selfish, I have
No excuse to give you it's true
Hanging by a
Thread's how I live
I don't know why but
I feel more comfortable
Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
Yeah, been this way so long, it feels like something's off
When I'm not depressed
I got some issues that I won't address
I got some baggage I ain't opened yet
I got some demons I should put to rest
I got some traumas that I can't forget
I got some phone calls I been avoidin'
Some family members I don't really connect with
Some things I said I wish I would of not let slip
Some hurtful words that never should of left my lips
Some bridges burned, I'm not ready to rebuild yet
Some insecurities I haven't dealt with, yes
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a lonely soul
And the last to admit I need a hand to hold
Losing hope
Headed down a dangerous road
Strange, I know
But I feel most at home when I'm
Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
Don't know what's around the bend
Don't know what my future is
But I can't keep on livin' in
Livin' in my agony
Watching my self-esteem
Go up in flames acting
Like I don't
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that's the furthest thing
From how I
Feel but I'm too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I'm trapped in
The truth is, I need help, but I just can't imagine
Who I'd be if I was happy
If I was happy
If I was happy
My Headspace
General | Posted 2 years agoso I went over to a friend's house yesterday and like went out to a bar on a Thursday I think they wanted to see if I wanted to actually branch out. I guess it is just validation but I didn't really talk to people kind of just froze again. Hearing in the background of the noise of myself I just don't really know. It is hard to choose who I wanted to talk to that night. If that makes sense. hearing in the background when I went over the voices of what was said kind of about me sort of played back in my head. You're short (5'6", 1.6764M is my height) and like a mid-person came sort of not to me but was behind a wall I hear them talking about me. I think "E" wanted to see what a woman in this case would say about me behind my back but I don't think he wanted me to hear that. I shrugged it off though and just tried to be as much as me as possible. I ended up kind of feeling used up by the end of the night and not able to talk. I talked with my therapist about what I wanted out of that night. I wanted to understand why I don't feel like I can just go and talk and know people like my brother seems to be able to do so well. I don't think it is jealousy just that I don't think I am at that point yet. I feel like I can be me to friends. and I have made friends.
I started applying my therapy from last week into practice on what I would want if someone was talking to me about how I can be comfortable with it. Do my values meet what I say. I would love to run from my head because it almost feels like fainting when I talk with people and it's frustrating. I have to have myself down which I am getting there but it takes time. Celebrate your successes but don't stagnate in them. Running isn't always an option you have to crawl to walk and walk to run. I am crawling, it is ok that I am not at "R"'s level of communication that comes with time. See NF released HOPE in the last two weeks and that has been my motto going into what I want to do with myself. I hate the voice telling me all those things but I need that to be able to grow. That monster that keeps me down is the best motivator I have. However, moving forward I don't need it. I don't need to get angry at how little progress I have made. If I keep doing that I will regress now that I am here. I want to run away but it isn't going to change me.
so I'll leave you to this. It is ok to mentally break down. It is natural and we all need it at some point. I did it in order to actually start improving. Literally, like HOPE that is actually a lot of how my mind plays my life out. being stagnant for so long you still do so much but are you happy? I did all this degree stuff and like feel so lost still but somehow I feel like my picture is making sense now. Narrowing what I want out of this life was so important in how to improve. why are you sad is something I think we all have to get out. Not the thing that happened but the underlining issues such as communication and life work balance and being able to go out and talk to people and having an outlet. So on and so forth. I want people to look at what I do and know that it is for my own benefit I do this. I know it can help people too.
Hope by NF
Hope
Yeah, I'm on my way, I'm coming
Don't, don't lose faith in me
I know you've been waitin'
I know you've been prayin' for my soul
Hope, hope
Thirty years you been draggin' your feet
Tellin' me I'm the reason we're stagnant
Thirty years you've been claiming you're honest
And promising progress, well, where's it at?
I don't want you to feel like a failure (failure)
I know this hurts
But I gave you your chance to deliver (deliver)
Now it's my turn
Don't get me wrong, Nate, you've had a great run
But it's time to give the people somethin' different
So without further ado, I'd
Like to introduce my
(My album, my album, my album, my album, my album, my album, my album)
Hope
What's my definition of success? (Of success)
Listening to what your heart says (your heart says)
Standing up for what you know is (is)
Right, while everybody else is (is)
Tucking their tail between their legs (okay)
What's my definition of success? (Of success)
Creating something no one else can (else can)
Being brave enough to dream big (big)
Grindin' when you're told to just quit (quit)
Giving more when you got nothin' left (left)
It's a person that'll take a chance on
Something they were told could never happen
It's a person that can see the bright side through the dark times when there ain't one
It's when someone who ain't never had nothin'
Ain't afraid to walk away from more profit
'Cause they'd rather do somethin' that they really love and take the pay cut
It's a person that would never waver
Or change who they are
Just to try and gain some credibility
So they could feel accepted by a stranger
It's a person that can take the failures in their life and turn them into motivation
It's believing in yourself when no one else does, it's amazing
What a little bit of faith can do if you don't even believe in you
Why would you think or expect anybody else that's around you to?
I done did things that I regret
I done said things I can't take back
Was a lost soul at a crossroad who had no hope but I changed that
I spent years of my life holdin' on to things I never should've kept, full of hatred
Years of my life carryin' a lot of baggage that I should've walked away from
Years of my life wishin' I was someone different, lookin' for some validation
Years of my life tryna fill the void, pretending I was in
They get it
Growing pain's a necessary evil
Difficult to go through, yes, but beneficial
Some would say having a mental breakdown is a negative thing
Which on one hand, I agree with
On the other hand, it was the push I needed
To get help and start the healing process, see
If I'd have never hit rock bottom
Would I be the person that I am today?
I don't believe so
I'm a prime example of what happens when you choose to not accept defeat and face your demons
Took me thirty years to realize that if you want to get the opportunity
To be the greatest version of yourself
Sometimes you got to be someone you're not to hear the voice of reason
Having kids will make you really take a step back and look in the mirror
At least for me that's what it did, I
Wake up every day and pick my son up, hold him in my arms
And let him know he's loved (loved)
Standing by the window questioning if dad is ever going to show up (up)
Isn't something he's gon' have to worry about
Don't get it twisted, that wasn't a shot
Mama, I forgive you
I just don't want him to grow up thinkin' that he'll never be enough
Thirty years of running, thirty years of searching
Thirty years of hurting, thirty years of pain
Thirty years of fearful, thirty years of anger
Thirty years of empty, thirty years of shame
Thirty years of broken, thirty years of anguish
Thirty years of hopeless, thirty years of (hey)
Thirty years of never, thirty years of maybe
Thirty years of later, thirty years of fake
Thirty years of hollow, thirty years of sorrow
Thirty years of darkness, thirty years of (Nate)
Thirty years of baggage, thirty years of sadness
Thirty years of stagnant, thirty years of chains
Thirty years of anxious, thirty years of suffering
Thirty years of torment, thirty years of (wait)
Thirty years of bitter, thirty years of lonely
Thirty years of pushing everyone away
(You'll never evolve) I know I can change
(We are not enough) we are not the same
(You don't have the heart) you don't have the strength
(You don't have the will) you don't have the faith
(You'll never be loved) you'll never be safe
(Might as well give up) not running away
(You don't have the guts) you're the one afraid
I'm the one in charge
I'm taking the (no)
I'm taking the
Reigns
Hope you are safe and well^^
Flurry
I started applying my therapy from last week into practice on what I would want if someone was talking to me about how I can be comfortable with it. Do my values meet what I say. I would love to run from my head because it almost feels like fainting when I talk with people and it's frustrating. I have to have myself down which I am getting there but it takes time. Celebrate your successes but don't stagnate in them. Running isn't always an option you have to crawl to walk and walk to run. I am crawling, it is ok that I am not at "R"'s level of communication that comes with time. See NF released HOPE in the last two weeks and that has been my motto going into what I want to do with myself. I hate the voice telling me all those things but I need that to be able to grow. That monster that keeps me down is the best motivator I have. However, moving forward I don't need it. I don't need to get angry at how little progress I have made. If I keep doing that I will regress now that I am here. I want to run away but it isn't going to change me.
so I'll leave you to this. It is ok to mentally break down. It is natural and we all need it at some point. I did it in order to actually start improving. Literally, like HOPE that is actually a lot of how my mind plays my life out. being stagnant for so long you still do so much but are you happy? I did all this degree stuff and like feel so lost still but somehow I feel like my picture is making sense now. Narrowing what I want out of this life was so important in how to improve. why are you sad is something I think we all have to get out. Not the thing that happened but the underlining issues such as communication and life work balance and being able to go out and talk to people and having an outlet. So on and so forth. I want people to look at what I do and know that it is for my own benefit I do this. I know it can help people too.
Hope by NF
Hope
Yeah, I'm on my way, I'm coming
Don't, don't lose faith in me
I know you've been waitin'
I know you've been prayin' for my soul
Hope, hope
Thirty years you been draggin' your feet
Tellin' me I'm the reason we're stagnant
Thirty years you've been claiming you're honest
And promising progress, well, where's it at?
I don't want you to feel like a failure (failure)
I know this hurts
But I gave you your chance to deliver (deliver)
Now it's my turn
Don't get me wrong, Nate, you've had a great run
But it's time to give the people somethin' different
So without further ado, I'd
Like to introduce my
(My album, my album, my album, my album, my album, my album, my album)
Hope
What's my definition of success? (Of success)
Listening to what your heart says (your heart says)
Standing up for what you know is (is)
Right, while everybody else is (is)
Tucking their tail between their legs (okay)
What's my definition of success? (Of success)
Creating something no one else can (else can)
Being brave enough to dream big (big)
Grindin' when you're told to just quit (quit)
Giving more when you got nothin' left (left)
It's a person that'll take a chance on
Something they were told could never happen
It's a person that can see the bright side through the dark times when there ain't one
It's when someone who ain't never had nothin'
Ain't afraid to walk away from more profit
'Cause they'd rather do somethin' that they really love and take the pay cut
It's a person that would never waver
Or change who they are
Just to try and gain some credibility
So they could feel accepted by a stranger
It's a person that can take the failures in their life and turn them into motivation
It's believing in yourself when no one else does, it's amazing
What a little bit of faith can do if you don't even believe in you
Why would you think or expect anybody else that's around you to?
I done did things that I regret
I done said things I can't take back
Was a lost soul at a crossroad who had no hope but I changed that
I spent years of my life holdin' on to things I never should've kept, full of hatred
Years of my life carryin' a lot of baggage that I should've walked away from
Years of my life wishin' I was someone different, lookin' for some validation
Years of my life tryna fill the void, pretending I was in
They get it
Growing pain's a necessary evil
Difficult to go through, yes, but beneficial
Some would say having a mental breakdown is a negative thing
Which on one hand, I agree with
On the other hand, it was the push I needed
To get help and start the healing process, see
If I'd have never hit rock bottom
Would I be the person that I am today?
I don't believe so
I'm a prime example of what happens when you choose to not accept defeat and face your demons
Took me thirty years to realize that if you want to get the opportunity
To be the greatest version of yourself
Sometimes you got to be someone you're not to hear the voice of reason
Having kids will make you really take a step back and look in the mirror
At least for me that's what it did, I
Wake up every day and pick my son up, hold him in my arms
And let him know he's loved (loved)
Standing by the window questioning if dad is ever going to show up (up)
Isn't something he's gon' have to worry about
Don't get it twisted, that wasn't a shot
Mama, I forgive you
I just don't want him to grow up thinkin' that he'll never be enough
Thirty years of running, thirty years of searching
Thirty years of hurting, thirty years of pain
Thirty years of fearful, thirty years of anger
Thirty years of empty, thirty years of shame
Thirty years of broken, thirty years of anguish
Thirty years of hopeless, thirty years of (hey)
Thirty years of never, thirty years of maybe
Thirty years of later, thirty years of fake
Thirty years of hollow, thirty years of sorrow
Thirty years of darkness, thirty years of (Nate)
Thirty years of baggage, thirty years of sadness
Thirty years of stagnant, thirty years of chains
Thirty years of anxious, thirty years of suffering
Thirty years of torment, thirty years of (wait)
Thirty years of bitter, thirty years of lonely
Thirty years of pushing everyone away
(You'll never evolve) I know I can change
(We are not enough) we are not the same
(You don't have the heart) you don't have the strength
(You don't have the will) you don't have the faith
(You'll never be loved) you'll never be safe
(Might as well give up) not running away
(You don't have the guts) you're the one afraid
I'm the one in charge
I'm taking the (no)
I'm taking the
Reigns
Hope you are safe and well^^
Flurry
What is going on with me?
General | Posted 3 years agoHaven't written a lot of these journals in a while but here I am 😂. So I have been in therapy for a while now and I noticed alot of improvement in my ability to speak to people. I still have a long way to go but from where I was a year ago to now is a night and day difference. I find myself signing up for board game nights at breweries now though I'm still new to it and nervous. I figure just committing and going is half the battle. I am long boarding again and not going down any steep hills for a while. I learned my lesson about having no brakes. My arm is healing up good and will fully recover by June. Hopefully I can be good this summer and get to golf that would make me so happy right now lol though it's snowing outside which is crazy even for this time of year. Though Minnesota is known for cold and snow.
My friend at work has family in Cancun so we're planning a trip with a group of coworkers and getting a pretty cool experience. I'm scared because I've never really been out of the states. however, I know it's going to be a blast while I'm down there. I am working on my Spanish on the side while I do my school work. We are thinking August which happens to be around my birthday but It was by coincidence not intentional.
I do have other trips in mind I want to try though I need to learn some languages and get pretty good at them I think? Unsure so inexperienced with this kind travelling.
I guess that is it? Yes I think so. Anyway have a good day and talk soon!
Flurry^^
My friend at work has family in Cancun so we're planning a trip with a group of coworkers and getting a pretty cool experience. I'm scared because I've never really been out of the states. however, I know it's going to be a blast while I'm down there. I am working on my Spanish on the side while I do my school work. We are thinking August which happens to be around my birthday but It was by coincidence not intentional.
I do have other trips in mind I want to try though I need to learn some languages and get pretty good at them I think? Unsure so inexperienced with this kind travelling.
I guess that is it? Yes I think so. Anyway have a good day and talk soon!
Flurry^^
fracture
General | Posted 3 years agoi broke a piece of my arm bone under the shoulder so... i am not sure on the time frame of that but hopfully fast
Long board accident
General | Posted 3 years agoSo I bruised my left arm good and have some road rash right now3rd time taking out the board and had a speed balancing issue. Resting now but hopefully will recover soon
Validation
General | Posted 3 years agohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocnl1EPUnq8
I like this video its a good one to look at if you get stuck in the constant validation of others approval. made me think a lot today.
I like this video its a good one to look at if you get stuck in the constant validation of others approval. made me think a lot today.
Vision
General | Posted 3 years agoSo, I was thinking on this word a lot as I go into my final paper for my introduction course for my masters in psychology. Vision is what you see for your future. But its the real world not perspective (see perspective for context). So people who want tangible things have a easier time with this concept then. People who live through the lens of there thoughts would have a good time on perspective. So applying that to me is something that I am struggling in that I am not used to the concept in looking ahead to a tangible goal. Not entirely true but a half truth, half as in I have had experience but this scenario is new to me. My first paper was on what do I want to do if I were to graduate tomorrow. Where would I work? what would I want as my focus? who would be my ideal clients? these questions sort of build what vision is and then there is a focus to a goal. Goals are steps to a vision but should not be the vision themselves. Also for context a vision can change don't think that people don't change and have different vision for what they want out of life. Set goals that are little steps to motivate you to a vision as my grandpa used to say to me "Rome wasn't built in a day" That concept applies here of it takes one building (Step) to get to the place you look back on and feel good about what your vision turned out to be.
I was thinking of just writing some concepts to work out my mind on what words mean to me and define myself a little better. This is more or less, just a journal about how I think in some regard but it helps set in stone concepts to me.
Stay safe ^^,
Flurry
I was thinking of just writing some concepts to work out my mind on what words mean to me and define myself a little better. This is more or less, just a journal about how I think in some regard but it helps set in stone concepts to me.
Stay safe ^^,
Flurry
Being real about stuff.
General | Posted 3 years agoHey,
I wanted to write this as more of a personal journal to me than anything. You're not interesting to people in your immediate surrounding but you can always find someone out there, you never had your own place before, you are not in debt ,and its ok to flop. You've said this a million times to yourself, don't let people get to you. Don't let them take over as the sole will of what makes you happy because face it. People don't like someone who isn't real to themselves. Like if they got a problem with your RFT (statistic of if you can get a project 100% correct the first time with no spelling mistakes or problems (context is I'm on the low end at 84%)) in management I don't think that is a factorable offense to deplore yourself outside of work. You don't suck because you're struggling in one thing. As well I have to say this because I know its bugging me/ you , its ok to not have something to funnel your energy into. You draw, yes, you work on psychology, yes. A chemist is not going to be interested in those things if they are talking about sports or the state parks they went to. Its ok to not have anything to say, if that is truly what is bugging you. To be honest, I don't know what is my problem. My psychologist like talks to me and he says I'm pretty normal but when I translate that to my life I find people find me uncomfortable to be around. Like its messed up I'm good at making friend but keeping them is the hard part. My date I had a week and a half ago. I invited her over for a movie just to watch a movie, if she said no id offer a movie at a theater. I offered her a choice of movie and she picked La La land from my list I gave her. The next day she cancels saying she was uncomfortable about it and said I hope you understand. replied back "yeah, thanks for letting me know." about 6 hours pass and she says this is not worth pursuing and wished me luck. So I replied basically back sure, I wish you luck as well in text. I was wondering what I did wrong? to be honest I don't know so I'm just going to keep moving on.
I watched Dave Chapelle what's in a name?, and Chris rocks selective outrage on Netflix, I liked them because it challenged my way of thinking of the world. See, comedy isn't my strength but I just find it so fascinating how much of the issues that effect people today are brought to light in that sense of media. I cried after work today something that I don't really want to say but I had one of those days were 6 seconds of people getting to me just kind of broke myself. I'm not over any of it the history the previous journals. I think this was a blessing (laughing kind of at my self) because I don't find that my life is worse than others just in my field I'm not the best. I know that, I know that in school I was propped up by rich people who went to my school. Who had way, WAY more money than my family. I was told you could be anything and fed this idea of if you work hard enough that it will work out. To be honest I sat there listened to those words and said well its a guarantee that will happen. As my aunt likes to remind me, never work in absolutes. a 100% chance isn't realistic to the world as a whole. I find myself fighting this depression of that I suck, that in some way this job is everything. My life, my sense of worth, my purpose but I go home feeling like I did nothing. I made no difference in the grand scheme of this idea of testing. However I am leaving a lot unanswered like why do I feel like I suck. Its not the job is what has happened in the sense of everything along this path that I took with R. I see myself for what I am. Comparable to others makes it hard. In fact going out and seeing like clubs and other parts of life actually made me love myself less. R is going to try and take me out drinking Friday because he hates seeing me down on stuff. I'm probably going to say no. The reason is not because I'm avoiding him I just know that he is going to get me messed up and try and ask a woman out. Escapism is my greatest strength and probably the best game I have lol.
R always tells me if you had the confidence man you could get someone. I really don't know if I even want to date. In all honesty I have a lot that is just messing me up and people find that unattractive. My psychologist describes me as super gentle with how I handle things and that I need more of the confidence and the ability to close out conversations in a positive ending. He wants me to work on Validation, Easy manner, Interested. in other terms Make the person feel validated and smile more. Interested is because I wear my emotions on my face its hard to hide stuff. However the report he gave me says to Act like I care by listening and appear interested. So... I don't know if I should make faces in the mirror lol or just try and fake my interest in football. I'm doing one thing right out of 4 things. That's pretty bad lol and no one has ever brought this up to me. I want friends, plain and simple. I want this ideal that I put out there for myself and force under tooth and nail to try and achieve. For what? to make myself better but in the same breath I hurt myself. I hurt myself not physically but emotionally when I realize that I have not even come close to my goals. So, do I stop. Maybe, in the sense of its only going to hurt you more if you keep failing. Do I continue and keep trying in the sense of adversity makes you stronger. What is my story? Like that is the question I have been trying to answer since I was 10 sitting in a chair getting diagnosed with stuff that sounded like my life was over to my ears. Obviously that is not the case but in my head that is what I heard. I'm different. Being different isn't going to be true in my life because I have a lot of similarities to people I hung out with in college and other places. I've had friends come and go but I always have a few. If I put myself in perspective I've came a lot farther than the doctors thought I could, I guess it is why I'm so hard on myself to keep going. When its hard, It sucks but what I'm going to tell me and others, is that I want it to happen and even if it doesn't I'm ok. I want a office, Like I want to work in a clinical psychology office. I want to talk to people about there problems in depression and anxiety because those things I know so well I could change people who have those problems. I've sat on a discord call with a friend who was going to kill himself one night and just let him talk. See, depression is so deadly because it is not about the sadness but its about the silence you feel inside. I looked him (M) straight in the eyes about 2 months ago and gave him dating advice on how to be real with someone. lol I'm single but he knew about my relationship prior and knew I do have some very good tricks on how to keep people happy. However, that is something I've never seen in me. If I knew better I would say I was pretty confident then. Why? like its not like he is any different than other people I have hung out with. My mother says don't hang out with M because he is a prick. However, he is not because my mother doesn't see what I see. M has been judged ridiculed and bullied throughout his high school and middle school career. I was his friend then and me and him are very much alike. Bullying can effect emotional behaviors outside of school. Michael took it as a way to practice his biker gang attire and rides a motorcycle and acts tough. Me... well I became a softy.
One day in middle school me and M and 2 other friend I don't want to mention yet but were important to me were playing a card game. A group of 8 people came over and knocked the cards on the ground and laughed. We looked at them and I got up picked up the deck of cards looked them in the eyes and set the cards down on the table. No words nothing, we all knew what we were and didn't phase us as we started playing the card game again. It was a lord of the rings game that was super confusing but one of the two friends brought it in and it was fun. You have to know them to know me but we all. I mean this when I say it, We knew everything about each other. Even though we were dorks, we were happy to talk. I didn't feel that in college as we all moved across the country. I found myself with M at UW stout. M is a 3D graphics designer looking for work right now. He works at a warehouse and spends his 3 days off after his 10 hour shifts practicing his craft. Him and I are different but he is one of the guys I would do anything for. He let me talk, didn't assume he knew what was best for me, just let me talk.
I wish I was different. But I'm not. So accept it. Then keep moving towards your goal.
Keep improving,
Aaron ^^
I wanted to write this as more of a personal journal to me than anything. You're not interesting to people in your immediate surrounding but you can always find someone out there, you never had your own place before, you are not in debt ,and its ok to flop. You've said this a million times to yourself, don't let people get to you. Don't let them take over as the sole will of what makes you happy because face it. People don't like someone who isn't real to themselves. Like if they got a problem with your RFT (statistic of if you can get a project 100% correct the first time with no spelling mistakes or problems (context is I'm on the low end at 84%)) in management I don't think that is a factorable offense to deplore yourself outside of work. You don't suck because you're struggling in one thing. As well I have to say this because I know its bugging me/ you , its ok to not have something to funnel your energy into. You draw, yes, you work on psychology, yes. A chemist is not going to be interested in those things if they are talking about sports or the state parks they went to. Its ok to not have anything to say, if that is truly what is bugging you. To be honest, I don't know what is my problem. My psychologist like talks to me and he says I'm pretty normal but when I translate that to my life I find people find me uncomfortable to be around. Like its messed up I'm good at making friend but keeping them is the hard part. My date I had a week and a half ago. I invited her over for a movie just to watch a movie, if she said no id offer a movie at a theater. I offered her a choice of movie and she picked La La land from my list I gave her. The next day she cancels saying she was uncomfortable about it and said I hope you understand. replied back "yeah, thanks for letting me know." about 6 hours pass and she says this is not worth pursuing and wished me luck. So I replied basically back sure, I wish you luck as well in text. I was wondering what I did wrong? to be honest I don't know so I'm just going to keep moving on.
I watched Dave Chapelle what's in a name?, and Chris rocks selective outrage on Netflix, I liked them because it challenged my way of thinking of the world. See, comedy isn't my strength but I just find it so fascinating how much of the issues that effect people today are brought to light in that sense of media. I cried after work today something that I don't really want to say but I had one of those days were 6 seconds of people getting to me just kind of broke myself. I'm not over any of it the history the previous journals. I think this was a blessing (laughing kind of at my self) because I don't find that my life is worse than others just in my field I'm not the best. I know that, I know that in school I was propped up by rich people who went to my school. Who had way, WAY more money than my family. I was told you could be anything and fed this idea of if you work hard enough that it will work out. To be honest I sat there listened to those words and said well its a guarantee that will happen. As my aunt likes to remind me, never work in absolutes. a 100% chance isn't realistic to the world as a whole. I find myself fighting this depression of that I suck, that in some way this job is everything. My life, my sense of worth, my purpose but I go home feeling like I did nothing. I made no difference in the grand scheme of this idea of testing. However I am leaving a lot unanswered like why do I feel like I suck. Its not the job is what has happened in the sense of everything along this path that I took with R. I see myself for what I am. Comparable to others makes it hard. In fact going out and seeing like clubs and other parts of life actually made me love myself less. R is going to try and take me out drinking Friday because he hates seeing me down on stuff. I'm probably going to say no. The reason is not because I'm avoiding him I just know that he is going to get me messed up and try and ask a woman out. Escapism is my greatest strength and probably the best game I have lol.
R always tells me if you had the confidence man you could get someone. I really don't know if I even want to date. In all honesty I have a lot that is just messing me up and people find that unattractive. My psychologist describes me as super gentle with how I handle things and that I need more of the confidence and the ability to close out conversations in a positive ending. He wants me to work on Validation, Easy manner, Interested. in other terms Make the person feel validated and smile more. Interested is because I wear my emotions on my face its hard to hide stuff. However the report he gave me says to Act like I care by listening and appear interested. So... I don't know if I should make faces in the mirror lol or just try and fake my interest in football. I'm doing one thing right out of 4 things. That's pretty bad lol and no one has ever brought this up to me. I want friends, plain and simple. I want this ideal that I put out there for myself and force under tooth and nail to try and achieve. For what? to make myself better but in the same breath I hurt myself. I hurt myself not physically but emotionally when I realize that I have not even come close to my goals. So, do I stop. Maybe, in the sense of its only going to hurt you more if you keep failing. Do I continue and keep trying in the sense of adversity makes you stronger. What is my story? Like that is the question I have been trying to answer since I was 10 sitting in a chair getting diagnosed with stuff that sounded like my life was over to my ears. Obviously that is not the case but in my head that is what I heard. I'm different. Being different isn't going to be true in my life because I have a lot of similarities to people I hung out with in college and other places. I've had friends come and go but I always have a few. If I put myself in perspective I've came a lot farther than the doctors thought I could, I guess it is why I'm so hard on myself to keep going. When its hard, It sucks but what I'm going to tell me and others, is that I want it to happen and even if it doesn't I'm ok. I want a office, Like I want to work in a clinical psychology office. I want to talk to people about there problems in depression and anxiety because those things I know so well I could change people who have those problems. I've sat on a discord call with a friend who was going to kill himself one night and just let him talk. See, depression is so deadly because it is not about the sadness but its about the silence you feel inside. I looked him (M) straight in the eyes about 2 months ago and gave him dating advice on how to be real with someone. lol I'm single but he knew about my relationship prior and knew I do have some very good tricks on how to keep people happy. However, that is something I've never seen in me. If I knew better I would say I was pretty confident then. Why? like its not like he is any different than other people I have hung out with. My mother says don't hang out with M because he is a prick. However, he is not because my mother doesn't see what I see. M has been judged ridiculed and bullied throughout his high school and middle school career. I was his friend then and me and him are very much alike. Bullying can effect emotional behaviors outside of school. Michael took it as a way to practice his biker gang attire and rides a motorcycle and acts tough. Me... well I became a softy.
One day in middle school me and M and 2 other friend I don't want to mention yet but were important to me were playing a card game. A group of 8 people came over and knocked the cards on the ground and laughed. We looked at them and I got up picked up the deck of cards looked them in the eyes and set the cards down on the table. No words nothing, we all knew what we were and didn't phase us as we started playing the card game again. It was a lord of the rings game that was super confusing but one of the two friends brought it in and it was fun. You have to know them to know me but we all. I mean this when I say it, We knew everything about each other. Even though we were dorks, we were happy to talk. I didn't feel that in college as we all moved across the country. I found myself with M at UW stout. M is a 3D graphics designer looking for work right now. He works at a warehouse and spends his 3 days off after his 10 hour shifts practicing his craft. Him and I are different but he is one of the guys I would do anything for. He let me talk, didn't assume he knew what was best for me, just let me talk.
I wish I was different. But I'm not. So accept it. Then keep moving towards your goal.
Keep improving,
Aaron ^^
What's going on in my life.
General | Posted 3 years agoSo, I turned in my first paper for my masters and got a 99% on it though I thought there was a lot I could have improved on I think my work showed through. We had to write a APA 7 piece on what our vision for our future was. So I talked about depression and anxiety and how I'm going to try and be culturally competent in my degree to try and be fair and just in my judgements.
I havent been great the past few weeks kind of lost a lot of motivation to be reflective and started feeling more and more lost in myself of if I'm actually going in the right direction. Some days I just lay in my bed thinking about how I missed camping and golf. This year is going to be dedicated to my grandpa one way or another I'm going to golf a lot.
On another note I had a first date, and it went well. She is going for her doctorate in pharmacology right now and is working at a hospital as a outpatient pharmacist. She liked me on bumble lol.... Soooooo understandably I was nervous being kind of the undergrad trying to go for my masters in psychology lol. I don't know why she likes me but she was nervous too and we talked alot. We were both introverts and the awkward stares and silence made me like think I was doing stuff wrong and I kind of slipped a bit in the middle of our conversation. Ran out of questions but idk she agreed to a second date and even seemed like into me. So, I'm just gonna be myself because I figure that is why she likes me. I hope I can kind of break my shell and hers lol she is quiet too.
Anyway my next date is in two weeks but we text back and forth right now on stuff. I just try and say good morning and how are you and we talk about college and other topics. I guess I should probably be more private about this but its kind of fun to say. Idk I have no advice on what I did right just that it kind of worked out after I started not trying. Like in the sense that it wasn't my main focus. Because that is school. I want to help people and nothing is going to stop me in that pursuit of preventing 3.5% of total deaths in the US which is a insane number is caused by depression. 2 in 50 die each year because of either mental trauma or no one to talk to or so many other factors. But I should stop that's too sad. I just kind of wish people were more inclined to intervene. Intervention is literally one of the main preventative ways to help with depression. Talking it out saves people's lives. Bottling it up leads to just more pain in the long run.
Lol Aaron stop it's ok. Anyway I have all the stuff I need to long board just waiting for the snow to melt to get my inner kid going again. I need to work on myself again not any big things but I have to find what is making me so easily triggered by stuff. R and others have been very like on top of me at work about things.... It's making me have a shorter fuse and idk... I have to keep myself in check. Maybe I should take a day off in the near future. I'll have to see. Oh and I need to re learn my filter lol because I'm sharing to much now.... Why life? finding that middle ground is not easy lol.
I guess I should share something about me that I really don't share. Idk lol kind of been a norm of these journals. I guess I wanted to say that if I could have said one thing to my grandpa I would have said thank you for telling me the truth about things. And something about me would be that I have a different side to me that is sheltered like Breaking Benjamin and disturbed is definitely creeping into my life again. I guess as well I wanted to say that I'm not very interesting in the sense of hobbies I do, I just like to try alot of things just to enjoy it. Like I know things because I want to change myself to be better and sometimes have trouble with the sticking with it part. Though like I know I want to board 🛹 😂
Have a good night, I needed a ramble tonight, thank you,
Delwyn
I havent been great the past few weeks kind of lost a lot of motivation to be reflective and started feeling more and more lost in myself of if I'm actually going in the right direction. Some days I just lay in my bed thinking about how I missed camping and golf. This year is going to be dedicated to my grandpa one way or another I'm going to golf a lot.
On another note I had a first date, and it went well. She is going for her doctorate in pharmacology right now and is working at a hospital as a outpatient pharmacist. She liked me on bumble lol.... Soooooo understandably I was nervous being kind of the undergrad trying to go for my masters in psychology lol. I don't know why she likes me but she was nervous too and we talked alot. We were both introverts and the awkward stares and silence made me like think I was doing stuff wrong and I kind of slipped a bit in the middle of our conversation. Ran out of questions but idk she agreed to a second date and even seemed like into me. So, I'm just gonna be myself because I figure that is why she likes me. I hope I can kind of break my shell and hers lol she is quiet too.
Anyway my next date is in two weeks but we text back and forth right now on stuff. I just try and say good morning and how are you and we talk about college and other topics. I guess I should probably be more private about this but its kind of fun to say. Idk I have no advice on what I did right just that it kind of worked out after I started not trying. Like in the sense that it wasn't my main focus. Because that is school. I want to help people and nothing is going to stop me in that pursuit of preventing 3.5% of total deaths in the US which is a insane number is caused by depression. 2 in 50 die each year because of either mental trauma or no one to talk to or so many other factors. But I should stop that's too sad. I just kind of wish people were more inclined to intervene. Intervention is literally one of the main preventative ways to help with depression. Talking it out saves people's lives. Bottling it up leads to just more pain in the long run.
Lol Aaron stop it's ok. Anyway I have all the stuff I need to long board just waiting for the snow to melt to get my inner kid going again. I need to work on myself again not any big things but I have to find what is making me so easily triggered by stuff. R and others have been very like on top of me at work about things.... It's making me have a shorter fuse and idk... I have to keep myself in check. Maybe I should take a day off in the near future. I'll have to see. Oh and I need to re learn my filter lol because I'm sharing to much now.... Why life? finding that middle ground is not easy lol.
I guess I should share something about me that I really don't share. Idk lol kind of been a norm of these journals. I guess I wanted to say that if I could have said one thing to my grandpa I would have said thank you for telling me the truth about things. And something about me would be that I have a different side to me that is sheltered like Breaking Benjamin and disturbed is definitely creeping into my life again. I guess as well I wanted to say that I'm not very interesting in the sense of hobbies I do, I just like to try alot of things just to enjoy it. Like I know things because I want to change myself to be better and sometimes have trouble with the sticking with it part. Though like I know I want to board 🛹 😂
Have a good night, I needed a ramble tonight, thank you,
Delwyn
No Subject
General | Posted 3 years agoBeen really into this song. Not a lot to write about, my masters program is going well I'm writing a paper in a new format and its hard but fun. Should say its a good learning experience probably. I don't know why I like this song right now, but I think its reflecting a lot of me. Feels personal like my emotional state.
Here is Gone by the Goo goo dolls
You and I got somethin
But it's all and then it's nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah
And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin'
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I don't need the fallout
Of the past that's in between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
And I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah
Here is Gone by the Goo goo dolls
You and I got somethin
But it's all and then it's nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah
And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin'
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I don't need the fallout
Of the past that's in between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
And I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah
Emotional Mess
General | Posted 3 years agoSo I bought tickets to see John Mayer play at the excel energy center.... Which I wanted to do but he's playing all his love songs on acoustic guitar. I'm a sucker for sappy love songs TwT. However I didn't want to go alone. It lead me to inviting R who looked at me and was like are you taking me on a date? Me I'm like no I just don't want to sit and listen to love songs by myself I would probably be really sad. Like I want to share this with someone. R is going but if I do find a date he will not be. I well I want to try and find someone to go. I'm going to anime detour in April and my now EX will be there. I'm going to try and see the English voice actor for izaya, black power ranger, and giyu from demon slayer (same person) I want something signed from them. Just keep messaging people who spark my interest and maybe one will write back. Sadness but if you know someone in Minnesota who wants to go to a John Mayer concert date let me know on April 1st and no that is not a joke. He has done this concert the past 2 years. Maybe it's time to let things go and just date someone. I definitely am feeling like love deprived or just desire to have at least something in my life. Being along is nice to a degree but introversion isn't like permanent you need to spill the thoughts eventually. I don't think I'm doing well but maybe it's just because people are not interested in my interests or something. I'm worth something I guess? Yeah, I don't know what that is though. I am available.
Have a good night and stay safe,
Flurry
Have a good night and stay safe,
Flurry
Looking back. What its like to remember.
General | Posted 3 years agoYou ever have that feeling inside about the past that seems closer than you really think? I went through old photos of my family, my ex, and me picking some out for wall pictures or a digital frame. I think I was to into my subconscious because I felt almost in those moments. I started to laugh at a few and others I was like man that was a great time. I saw myself at a lantern festival, saw my self in karate and other places and thought back about how different the times were. It is comforting in those moments of being back in a place where you felt like you knew who you were. Future is scary but I think I should start taking more photos. My dad used to take photos everywhere and I appreciate that now more than I did back then. I looked at myself and was actually kind of proud of what the ten year old me would have said to the now me. Maybe I'm not a racecar driver like my NASCAR mind would have gone to but I think going for a psychology degree masters and working 40 hours a week has a toll of value of its own. I think he would have been impressed that he wasn't as different in the bad way that he made himself out to be. Maybe yeah he could have talked to more people or done something different in the long run but.... That wouldn't help the now me thinking like that. I know that I'm doing the right thing for me and maybe he would have appreciated that a lot more his senior year of highschool. I found that living in the past is stagnating for me in that I just want to live in that denial of progress to be safe in my own world. I'm glad though that I'm really not doing that and trying to find new ways to grow. However a good memory is nice every once in a while reminiscing I think is the word? Anyway have a goodnight
Be Safe,
Flurry
Be Safe,
Flurry
songs of my week
General | Posted 3 years agoPeace of Mind
Song by Boston
Now if you're feelin' kinda low 'bout the dues you've been paying
Future's coming much too slow
And you wanna run, but somehow you just keep on stayin'
Can't decide on which way to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind
Now you're climbin' to the top of the company ladder
Hope it doesn't take too long
Can't cha see there'll come a day when it won't matter
Come a day when you'll be gone
Ohh, ohh
I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind
Take a look ahead
Take a look ahead, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Now everybody's got advice, they just keep on givin'
Doesn't mean too much to me
Lots of people out to make believe they're livin'
Can't decide who they should be
Oh, oh
I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind
Take a look ahead
Take a look ahead
Look ahead
What I Am
Song by Edie Brickell & New Bohemians
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah
Choke me in the shallow waters
Before I get too deep
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or?
Oh, I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks
Religion is a light in the fog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or?
What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
Oh what you're oh
What you are
Song by Boston
Now if you're feelin' kinda low 'bout the dues you've been paying
Future's coming much too slow
And you wanna run, but somehow you just keep on stayin'
Can't decide on which way to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind
Now you're climbin' to the top of the company ladder
Hope it doesn't take too long
Can't cha see there'll come a day when it won't matter
Come a day when you'll be gone
Ohh, ohh
I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind
Take a look ahead
Take a look ahead, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Now everybody's got advice, they just keep on givin'
Doesn't mean too much to me
Lots of people out to make believe they're livin'
Can't decide who they should be
Oh, oh
I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People livin' in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind
Take a look ahead
Take a look ahead
Look ahead
What I Am
Song by Edie Brickell & New Bohemians
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah
Choke me in the shallow waters
Before I get too deep
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or?
Oh, I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks
Religion is a light in the fog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or?
What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
You're what you are, or what?
Oh what you're oh
What you are
Confession to myself.
General | Posted 3 years agoSo.... I have read, listened to from videos, and heard from my therapist the same reality or advice to me. Thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings. In the sense of they have no hold over the reality you're in just that I let them control my outlook rather than being subjective to the idea of "maybe that is not the case." It is interesting this idea of the fear of missing out. My book on social anxiety refers to this as FOMO. The fear of people are having more fun than you. We live in our own reality however what we observe on media the TV or even magazine aren't the reality we should compare ourselves too. Inevitable leading to envy and self doubt. Those images of people on yahts and down in some tropical place or whatever that case maybe, doesn't have to hold you to living in your life. The thing is your passion and what you love doing is going to make you happy. If you base yourself on something physical or on another person you end up hurting the very chances of being that. For myself I have resentment and envy. Those are my flaws as a person but it doesn't effect relationships, it effects my self image. I want to be liked by people... Though I had to take a step back and realize that over stepping myself to force being liked is not how to be liked. I'm working on my flaws I write my thoughts down and pattern my symptoms behavior is actually very cyclic in nature and noticing trends leads to identifying flaws and fixing them. By fixing is to repair the very thing that I am to a point of loving myself. If I do that and chase my own happiness I think I can finally move on. Honestly I had to realize that Rachel I haven't let go yet. It maybe sad but I haven't moved on because I still have the memories of her. I broke up with her and yeah it maybe dumb that I can't move on. However I know that I have to deal with that at my own pace and really heal before trying again with someone new. I think that my biggest thing though now is just working on my flaws and then time will heal my relationship wounds. Maybe a little dramatic. I don't know if I really should talk about it 😂😭. I just hope Rachel is able to find someone that makes her happy. Its wierd to say that but drama pushed us apart for sure. The situation, it's a I don't want to go back sort of thing. Anyways I need sleep lol.
Have a great night and stay safe,
Flurry^^
Have a great night and stay safe,
Flurry^^
Therapy and a request to myself.
General | Posted 3 years agoSo I had my first session of therapy. I don't know what really to say on the matter but that I just built a story of myself and sort of just spoke my mind to the therapist as he listened. I thought about what I wanted to see in myself and sort of shared things I haven't really told anyone. One of my goals is to become a better speaker. Underlining me becoming better at advocating for myself. I have noticed a lot of stutters in the past as I have been inclined into situations of meeting people for the first time. I am unsure of myself and my self esteem I think is within that flaw of mine. I don't really blame me because I know that experience allows for success. I really just wish conversations could get past 5 sentences and have either a date or a new friend come out of that. What I have been having now is a lot of boring. I told him about my self improvement of starting to say yes rather than no all the time. I found now my struggle is burning the candle at both ends. He sort of smiled at that and we talked about it a few more minutes on learning to find a balance rather than having tons of friend I'm more of a guy who has like a handful of good friends. I know that about me not just from MBTI but like way way before that. I found that my personality doesn't have to be like other guys or in the sense of attracting people in general. I pondered this along time ago in highschool with my now Ex of 6 months. Though that maybe another story for another time. I have never felt so alive as I do right now. "R" told me that he thought I was never heard for 26 years.... I think excluding my Ex he was right. I listened to everyone opinion and not my own. Its not sad its just the truth. I started to form my own opinions about fashion and what a apartment could look like. Grant it I'm still looking for a really nice couch, but I do have some free ones from my parents as they are downsizing. Living in the moment is something I haven't really ever done. So my request is to not focus on the past to much for the following days till Friday. Focus on how the next five years are going to improve. The past is done I can keep telling this tale of how much I struggled to get to where I am but none of that really matters nor should have a hold on how I should see myself in the present. There are many opportunities in life that we miss just by not allowing ourselves a chance to grow. Another misconception about myself that I'm going to request is to not see being a introvert as a flaw. it doesn't mean that you can't go out and talk to people, not show for a party or be quietly in your own head. See you have some great ideas that never really get shared because you bottle them up. Don't bottle them up but keep the filter. You don't have to have a disclaimer every time you have a wrong opinion on a project or you mess up a calculation out loud in front of people on a basic addition problem. Who..... Cares. No body wakes up the next day and says Aaron messed up that problem yesterday I don't think he is a really good employee. No one says that and if they do they should find more hobbies in there life instead of examining every mistake of a coworker. See you're going to be fine as long as you are able to be yourself and experience your life as yourself.
Maybe
General | Posted 3 years agoThe idea of certain goals in my head has come to the surface of my life. Success isn't driven by how good you are at something but by forgiving yourself when you mess up. When you fail at something it is not a negative experience don't think of it that way. Know that being good enough allows for growth. If you set the bar so high you will be miserable. If you set it to low your standards will faulter. My problem is I set them to high and hold myself to accountable for my actions. Punishing me by my own doing is a path I need to avoid. So morality needs to change. Not in the sense of self here but my self worth. If I mess up so what. No one is perfect. I frustrate people because I faulter when projects don't go perfect. Maybe it's just being human. I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where my morality and sense of self will be not controlled by a room of faces but instead come from my head space that I find more attractive then living in the real world. So.... Yeah I don't need the idea that messing up one thing at work is a problem. I think I'll do better by not thinking I'm doing worse. I don't know what makes me happy really. I keep trying new things. I think my hobby has become thinking on how to make myself better and sharing that journey with others. I just don't like social media in that regard we all want something we don't have but just because I'm not this or that doesn't mean I'm worthless. That thinking makes you doubt your own abilities. In this sort of truth. I find that peace can be around the corner. I should find my own mantra something to hold onto in my own darkness. Something that is true and keeps me in check. Now I want to be alone for a while. Ugh thinking about it I know I have to form my own conclusion and test it again. People laugh but it's ok. They are missing out on me.
Wishing you the best,
Flurry
Wishing you the best,
Flurry
Introversion
General | Posted 3 years agoI got asked today whether or not I liked being a introvert. I sort of never thought about it. so I brushed the question as of that maybe something that you wish you have but can't obtain sort of reality. I don't think it's bad being a introvert, even if I have been single or aloof sometimes. I just want to be me. If being me is being happy on my own then that is what I should do. I'm not saying that it's the only thing. Obviously social situations exposure and character building is what makes us better as people but who you are isn't forged in a group of people. Its processed at least to me in the thoughts of a quiet room away from people. I have a lot of thoughts on what I observe and just take notes on those little moments of reality. Example a guy on his first date ordering 3 beers and stacking his cups before the women arrives... Not the move for that guy I meet at a tequila bar last night. He was nervous but played it off like it was no big deal.... Dude you're playing yourself it would be almost even cooler if you just admitted to the girl you were nervous to finally meet her. She may appreciate the honesty. Even under that cool guy, I wear a trucker hat and look way better than Aaron (me) personally. Dude was even nice enough to move over a spot to let my group sit down. He's got a heart but man he doesn't have the self understanding to have the confidence to let himself be himself. You know that is what I see in a 10 minute conversation with a guy who is so afraid of looking weak he ends up looking weak. I do hope his date went well though the woman he saw for the first time was definitely his league. In that moment of introversion though that is where I learn. I learn on those perceptions on what not to do. Not just my friends comment don't stack beers on a first date but that deeper part. Of if you're afraid take a deep breath before the date and remember she wouldn't be going on a date if she wasn't interested and realize that she is probably nervous too. See, introverts are not as valued in the culture of the west but in the same breath creativity is born out of the understanding of being comfortable alone. You can have group cohesion but make sure you also have independent thought a hive mind follows it's one leader with the magnetic personality but a force leads by independence and then group sharing of ideas. Just because a person is mesmerizing with a speech doesn't necessarily mean it's the right thing to do. There are plenty of historical examples I can dig up.
So in conclusion yes I love being a introvert. I love my time on my own to brainstorm and find deeper meanings in everyday things. Like a nervous guy on his first date! I maybe awkward and aloof sometimes but more than likely people find it more genuine anyway though my stuttering is something I'm working on now. It happens when I'm nervous. I'm writing to answer a question to myself in this but by no means do I think extroverts are inferior or something else but I'm also not saying your superior either. My point to myself I'm trying to make is that character makes someone eventually realize that you're a good guy. You don't have to be this magnetic personality to be natural. I've been accused alot over the years of being to shy or quiet or wierd but in those moments being alone I found myself actually in peace. I am not a true introvert by any means I mean I dated a introvert for ten years and she taught me a lot about letting go. That society sometimes can go f*** off for 5 mins I got a cosplay to make. As probably they would have put it. I probably should take a weekend off from R and B and the others and do what I want to do. I mean I've already walked MOA 3 times by myself eaten at every restaurant I wanted to by myself. It's really doesn't phase me now. Exposure makes the unnatural natural.
If you ever need a friend though message me anytime I'm always open to talk^^ though I may not be the best responder time wise I will put alot of thought into my responses. I'm thinking about moving on from pathfinder games. I've found my interest phasing out but I should keep to just one game, as more of a part time thing maybe not guaranteed. Hope you are all safe and warm ^^
Hugs,
Flurry^^
So in conclusion yes I love being a introvert. I love my time on my own to brainstorm and find deeper meanings in everyday things. Like a nervous guy on his first date! I maybe awkward and aloof sometimes but more than likely people find it more genuine anyway though my stuttering is something I'm working on now. It happens when I'm nervous. I'm writing to answer a question to myself in this but by no means do I think extroverts are inferior or something else but I'm also not saying your superior either. My point to myself I'm trying to make is that character makes someone eventually realize that you're a good guy. You don't have to be this magnetic personality to be natural. I've been accused alot over the years of being to shy or quiet or wierd but in those moments being alone I found myself actually in peace. I am not a true introvert by any means I mean I dated a introvert for ten years and she taught me a lot about letting go. That society sometimes can go f*** off for 5 mins I got a cosplay to make. As probably they would have put it. I probably should take a weekend off from R and B and the others and do what I want to do. I mean I've already walked MOA 3 times by myself eaten at every restaurant I wanted to by myself. It's really doesn't phase me now. Exposure makes the unnatural natural.
If you ever need a friend though message me anytime I'm always open to talk^^ though I may not be the best responder time wise I will put alot of thought into my responses. I'm thinking about moving on from pathfinder games. I've found my interest phasing out but I should keep to just one game, as more of a part time thing maybe not guaranteed. Hope you are all safe and warm ^^
Hugs,
Flurry^^
